i am currently reading "If This is a Woman Inside Ravensbruck: Hitler's Concentration Camp for Women" by Sarah Helm. i'm about 2/3 of the way through it and already this book has stirred up a lot of thoughts and emotions for me. It absolutely baffles me how people could carry out such horrific acts on others. It has made me question calling myself a slave.
i told Master a couple of days ago about how i am feeling. We talked for a little while about it. When She asked me what i wanted to do about it, i asked Her that that depended on whether She was wanting for me to reconcile my feelings with the idea or if we are going to look at trying to find new words. She told me that She expects reconciliation.
i have been tasked with trying to figure out how. How do i separate my slavery with true slavery? i feel like me being called/calling myself a slave makes light of the tremendous suffering and terror that true slaves went through throughout history and are, to this day, still going through. How on any level can i, sitting in comparatively absolute luxury, equate myself to someone who has know real horror? i have never known what it is like to be starved, tortured, made to live in filth and disease, used for medical experimentation and worked to death. i have never had to worry that at any moment i might be killed for any reason. i have the ability to talk with anybody i choose, read anything i want and speak up if i think my Master is doing something that will harm me.
How can i call myself a slave? Yes, i am my Master's property but does that make me a slave? Is that enough? i have the ability, as mentioned earlier that i have the right to speak up, but i don't have the right to tell Master what She will do with that information. i have given over control to Her but in reality i have done so willingly and freely and could at any moment revoke that consent. Yes that would probably end our relationship. She would have no right to "hunt" me down and force me to come back if i left. Does She doesn't have the "right " to transfer ownership of me to another master, that is something that we negotiated in the beginning. She has full control of our relationship but if that relationship ends so does Her control of me and what my future will be.
i think that the difference is a word that, up until now, i have left out of this.That word is Consent. A am a consensual slave. But isn't that an oxymoron?
i still don't have an answer yet, i imagine that it will take more time and soul searching before i can come to terms with my slavery.
Somewhere in my "researching" someone said something along the lines that just because that you can use your property any way you chose that not everything you have the right to do is right, morals still apply to Masters (and slaves)w. i willingly gave up my freedom to Master because i knew that She will use me well. She respects me and is not careless in how She deploys her Mastery over me.
i'm sure there will be more to come on this topic in the future.
