Obedience

“Obedience is a form of social influence where an individual acts in response to a direct order from another individual, who is usually an authority figure. It is assumed that without such an order the person would not have acted in this way. Obedience occurs when you are told to do something (authority), whereas conformity happens through social pressure (the norms of the majority). Obedience involves a hierarchy of power / status. Therefore, the person giving the order has a higher status than the person receiving the order.” (copied from simplypsychology.org/obedience.html)

Obedience in a M/s context means that the slave is consciously choosing to submit his/her mind and body to the will of their Master, their rules, rituals and protocols. For most slaves this is a learned behavior that must be practiced and slowly expanded upon. For me it most certainly has been learned. It’s something that i have been working on it since we started down this path over six years ago. i have been, up till now, very strong willed and can be disobedient at times if I'm not in the right headspace. Obedience has to become a state of being almost, a complete acquiescence to the slave’s chosen authority figure, in my case, to Master. It is usually a foundational ingredient in most M/s relationships, whether casual or 24/7 or anywhere in between. It’s one of those relationship make it or break it kind of tenants in my relationship with Master. Declaring my obedience to Her is part of the mantra that i say.

For a Power Exchange to work smoothly the slave must be obedient. This way the Master knows what kind of reaction to expect. It can make the difference between a successful and unsuccessful M/s relationship. In a TPE the Master should be able to expect that what He/She says will be followed with a minimum of questioning.

No slave can be 100% obedient all the time. i struggle with my obedience at times. It can be very challenging mentally to obey sometimes, especially when i strongly disagree.

At the core of obedience is respect and humility. Respect for your Master and your dynamic. Respect for the trust that you have placed in your Master. And humility in that you need to remember your place in your relationship as slave.

How do you demonstrate your obedience, beyond just following their rules?

-Pay close attention to your Master, especially when around others. Stop what you are doing and look at them while they are speaking. Making eye contact is also a good way to show you are paying attention. This makes them feel special, respected, appreciated, honoured, and proud of their slave.

-Don’t roll your eyes or back talk when they ask you to do something. This is just passive aggressive behavior and will generally not get you the desired outcome. If you have them, present your opposing viewpoint (if you’re allowed to do so) politely and in keeping with your dynamic. Being obedient doesn’t mean that you will always agree with your Master but it does mean that you may not have the final decision. Also remember to try to pick a good time and place for you to share your disagreement.

-Be polite all the time. Ask for their permission for things and use your please and thank you’s.

-Do things the first time you are asked, the way you were asked. Don’t make your Master have to ask you a second time and do exactly what they have asked of you and nothing less. Delaying something that your Master has asked of you is like saying that whatever you are doing is more important than what they asked you to do. It is frustrating and annoying to your Master and makes them feel unimportant and possibly taken for granted i once heard a saying that goes something like delayed obedience becomes immediate disobedience; partial obedience is complete disobedience.

-Do things that they haven’t asked that you know they like. i like to ask Master if She needs anything when i am up so i can get/do something for Her.

-If you disagree with your Master, consider the reasons that they have told you to do something/denied you something/etc. before getting upset.

Now for my personal experience. Part of the reason that i chose to “research” this topic was because Master and i have agreed that we need to be working on our relationship more actively and this was one of the areas that we thought i needed to work on to improve our M/s. i’d say that my biggest challenge is not so much with not responding immediately to orders, but with begrudging Master for making me do something that i’m not wanting to do at the moment. This comes out in poor attitude and slower service. Some Masters say that they don’t care about whether the slave is enjoying the ordered task as long as they do it but i think that to put your whole heart into it means that you are happily providing the requested service. i believe that part of my problem comes from my mental illness. i have very black and white thinking so i either love or hate something so if i’m asked to do something that i don’t like i have a hard time forcing myself to enjoy it to put all of myself into the ordered task. i am also forgetful and a bit absent minded at times; i forget what exactly Master told me to do or to perform a ritualized order. So what am i doing to correct my problems with obedience? Well, first of all i am writing this blog which forced me to take a look at my own obedience and decided that obedience will be the topic for discussion at the next submissives group get together. So i am gathering ideas on how to be more obedient and seeking support. i have also made a commitment to myself to be more immediately obedient and try to serve Master more happily in remembering that making Her happy makes me happy. i have also decided that i need to work on getting my borderline personality disorder under better control and need to brush up on my mindfulness skills. In choosing to obey i am setting myself free of the constraints of having to make choices for myself and us.

Through my travels on the interwebs i found this little quote that i will leave you with: “They may not always be right but they will always be Master.”

Marking

For the past week i haven’t been feeling well. Let’s just say that i have been having problems with my lady bits and on medications for it. The pills gave me some nasty side effects that i won’t get into but they were bad enough that i left work a bit early on Saturday and called in sick for Sunday and was almost glad that good friends of our had cancelled our weekend plans. Since i haven’t been feeling well, not much has been happening on the kink front in our house. i have been feeling distant from Master and my slavery because of all of this. By Sunday evening, i thought i was feeling better.

Sunday evening Master decided to mark me by peeing on me before showering as She occasionally does. She mentioned that She planned on doing so while we were having our weekly check-in and in my infinite wisdom i made a comment about how we should talk for another hour. That was when She mentioned that She planned on marking my face (which i found out last night was a spur of the moment decision). i thought She was joking. She was not.

Master has me sit in the tub, slouched forward so She can mark me on the top/back of my head usually. This time She made me lean back while She held me by my hair. She stood right in front of me, almost over me a bit. The way we always start the ritual is by Her asking me where i belong and me replying on my knees at Your feet Sir. There is typically a pause before She starts peeing on me but this time because She had been holding it there wasn’t. This meant there wasn’t enough time for me to take a breath. This had the dire consequence of having to take a breath while being marked but she was peeing on my face. The sensation was similar to when i was waterboarded this past summer. Finally when i couldn’t hold it any longer, i turned my head away as much as i could, opened my mouth a bit and took a breath. This meant though that i got some of Master’s pee in my mouth. This is not entirely new but the quantity was more than ever before.

As Master’s pee was pouring down on me i felt a sense of calm come to me, a feeling of being fully owned and loved. i love when She does it because it centers me in a way very little else does. On the surface it may seem like a degrading thing but i feel so wanted and cherished after She does it that to me it’s not at all degrading. After She was finished, She started the shower and allowed me to rinse off then kissed my face and praised me for being Her good girl.

i asked Master last night why She likes to mark me in this way. She told me it’s like claiming what is Hers, like a dog marking its territory. For Her (and i for that matter) it has nothing to do with piss play; it’s all about the power and control of being able to perform such an intimate act together. Everything that woman does goes back to having authority over me!

i asked Her last night How far She plans on pushing the peeing. She couldn’t give me an answer except to say that it probably won’t go back to the way it was before, which means that my face will now be the default location for marking. i’m going to need to grow some gills i guess!

On a semi related note two weekends ago our good friends were in the city for our monthly MAsT meeting and stayed with Master and i. Master made some popcorn for us (cause She makes it way better than i can). Lee, the Master of the couple (J) and i were in the kitchen while his slave (d) was in the bathroom. i don’t remember how exactly it happened but J was holding the bowl of popcorn, i was being bratty and trying to reach it from him and ended up spilling it all over the floor. Master made me get down on hands and knees and eat the popcorn straight off the floor. d came out of the bathroom while this was going on so i had all three of them watching me as i ate like an animal off the floor. And to top it all off Master was recording it. Both Master and J were using their feet to push the popcorn towards me (i hate feet!!!) i never really understood the whole public humiliation kink until then but now i think i do. It was kind of like a gangbang without the sex.

Speaking of sex, we are about half way through my orgasm denial/restriction. Since i wasn’t feeling well down there, this past week hasn’t been any action other than Master getting Herself off on me the other night which made me very horny. i can’t wait for this to be over, but to be honest, it’s not quite as bad as i thought it would be.

Well, i realize this is short but i have an appointment in an hour that i need to get ready for. Have a great day!

Orgasm Denial and Our Plans for the February long weekend

Three nights ago i had my last orgasm until the February long weekend (the 13-15^th) when Master and i will be attempting a cutting scene again. She will still be using me as Her sex toy during that time but i won’t be allowed to cum. We have set up a punishment structure for if i do go too far and not stop Lee in time. This kind of falls in line with the cuckqueaning idea that we have been fantasizing about. But since Lee doesn’t have a replacement for me and She still has “needs that need fulfilling”, She has continued to fuck me.

i’ve never fully talked about why i want to be cucked and to be honest i’m still not entirely sure why i want it. i think part of it for me is that i love to share what i love. If i am eating something delicious, i want to share it with my table mates. If i know some delightful tidbit of info i want to share it with Lee. i think cucking is kinda the same idea. i love being fucked by Lee and want to share that wonderful experience with another woman (or women, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here!!!) . i also love the humiliation and degrading aspects of being made to watch another woman get to have sex and possibly be beaten by my wife. i want to have a relationship with her too, someone that i could be close to and maybe have a bit of sexy fun together on occasion (to amuse Master, of course!). i also am torn with a love/hate feeling of fully giving up control of something so personal, control of my sexuality. One day down the line i’d love it if Master put me a chastity belt, or i had a piercing done similar to pictures i’ve seen. Don’t get me wrong, right now Master has complete control but having a device of some sort is a very real physical reminder that is hard to ignore so you are constantly reminded that your sex is owned by another person. Hot but scary all at the same time.

Lee and i have role-played me being someone else, Her cuckcake. There is a part of me that enjoys the thought of being the cuckcake too. i have had fantasy snippets of getting to be the one having sex with Lee and having another person be cucked. Co-topping in a scene (not “outside the bedroom”) with me being in a more supportive role rather than a full-fledged “Top” is what i picture, which is in line with what i just mentioned. i did enjoy parts of topping when Lee and i first started out and i topped Her but now i don’t have any desire to do those kinds of things to Her for real, despite the jokes that i might make to Master once in a while. Sometimes i do get turned on by the idea of being the top in a scene with someone other than Lee though and Lee and i have briefly talked in the past about me playing with someone else but nothing has ever been pursued.

On the topic of the cutting, those that know me or have read enough of this blog know i have a history of self-harm, primarily cutting. Lee and i want to work through this limit as it has limited our play. i really want to be able to allow my Master to do anything that She wants and right now i can’t do that. We are planning a whole weekend of events for this and chose this specific day being that we both have the time off that we can have two days after just in case i have a reaction like last time. We’ve talked about renting a nice hotel room for the night and having a staycation day on the Sunday but we haven’t planned anything quite yet. i’ll fill in the details next time i write.

Well, that’s all that’s swirling around in my head right now. Except that we just passed the sixth anniversary of our first date! That’s crazy, it feels both far too short of a time and at the same time too long ago!

On Being Pushed

On Sunday Master and I had a bit of a higher protocol day. We started off with me making a delicious breakfast of herb and garlic cheese omelets topped with a caramelized onion and bacon jam served with yummy multigrain toast and homemade pureed strawberry jam. It was so good! I don’t usually think that what i cook is that wonderful but this time i will fully admit that i hit it out of the park.

After letting our food digest for a while we headed into the bathroom for a shower. Master often pees on me as a way to mark Her property and Sunday was no different, other than when She was finished She had me “clean Her up” with my mouth.  This was hard for me, quite hard. There have been times before that when She is peeing on me that some has gotten on my face and mouth and She has ordered me to open my mouth to passively let some into my mouth if it happens but never has Master deliberately made me ingest Her pee. I was worried that Master would think i’m dirty and wouldn’t want to kiss me anymore if i obeyed. I didn’t want Her to think i was dirty (in a bad way!)I was also having a hard time with getting over the ick factor. I struggled with the order for what felt like an eternity before obeying. I still didn’t know for sure that i wanted to but Master told me to do it so i did and hoped for the best.  Afterward, we talked about it and i said to Master that I can tell by Her reaction that She will be pushing that boundary in the coming months. She didn’t come right out and agree but i think the possibility is very much on the table. I’m not 100% sure how i feel about the idea of having Her pee in my mouth or even further and have to drink it (like She mentioned reading about last week, which i personally think was Her way of testing my reaction for this most recent event as well as the future).   I’m still worried about Her thinking i am disgusting, i’m worried that i will think i’m disgusting for that matter. Though I am curious about Her peeing while i’m going down on Her. Even as I write this i am slightly concerned that friends and others that read this will now find me repulsive, i know that the BDSM community can be very split when it comes to the more fringe kinks.

After the shower I had some time to dry off and make myself presentable. The next thing that Master pushed me with was putting me in the cage and barricading me in. For those of you who don’t know, last year we bought a large dog kennel for the joint purpose of using it for me and for our cats when necessary (we occasionally have to segregate one- like when we first got our newest addition or if one of them is sick, etc.). It is a wire crate about 1.25m tall and long by about 1m wide. We keep it in the corner of our living room and use it as a side table of sorts when not being used for its intended purpose. I have spent the in it once before, although only for approx. 4 hrs, and have spent quiet time in it. I have never been locked in or had it covered while in it, both of which Master did (well, it wasn’t locked but She put an armchair, which She proceeded to sit in, in front of the door). For a long time- it felt like an eternity-i stared at the door. My mind kept rolling over the idea that i was physically caged, that my freedom had been taken from me. That is something that i struggle with in my day to day life. When things get hard my first reaction is flight. If Lee and I ever have a disagreement my first instinct is to try to run away and/or push Her away, which happened not that long ago. She knows that, which is why She made the rule that I am not allowed to leave the house during such times. Master talked with me, reassured me. I was so scared that i would be in that cage for the rest of my life. After hearing Master’s reassuring words a sense of peace overcame me. While i was in there i had no control of anything and therefore the pressure of decision making was totally removed. I felt a weight being lifted off of me. No longer did i have to choose anything. No longer did i have to think. I could just be. I started to feel like i was floating. After a while Master gave me a pre-scene checklist to fill out (it’s a new thing we are trying out) so She could plan our play time. I stayed in the cage while She was reviewing it and got to just be.

Play time is kind of blur, I don’t remember details of much. I’m sure there was kicking and/or punching, the Mother Fucker was probably in there somewhere and i’m pretty sure i had the big heavy duty clothespins on my breasts and clit. I do remember the breath play part in better detail though. Up until now most of our breath play has been Her hands over my mouth and nose, but we’ve also done some deep throating enough to block the windpipe and face sitting. But on Sunday, Master wrapped my head in plastic cling wrap leaving only a space from my nose to my eyebrows. She then would cover the open area with another strip of plastic, pressing the seams to ensure a tight seal. I could see Her through the plastic- looking into Her eyes while gasping at what little air i had was so erotic and got me very aroused. My life was in Her hands, pretty much literally. I knew that She would never intentionally hurt me but the thought “this could be my last breath” did cross my mind a few times.

Once Master was finished with the plastic wrap She used a……knife!!! to cut it off. If you have read early entries you will probably know that we had a bad experience with knife play a few years ago and have avoided it since. I’m not going to go into details about the past so read this post if you want more details. The knife. We talked about it before playing so I knew that it would make an appearance at the end of the breath play but i had forgotten about it. Until i saw it lying on the floor beside me when Master reached out for it. The panic in me started to rise, but by much less than i expected it to. The first time i felt the cold blade on my skin it took everything in me not to jump. But i survived and to be honest, it kind of aroused me as well. I think it was how my life was so very much in Master’s hands, again, that got me going.

We ended the evening with some wonderful times in the bedroom, the details of which i wish i remembered better. After that there was lots of cuddling and snuggling, chocolate and water. Master mentioned that i may have some subdrop in the coming days. We talked about what we enjoyed and how we felt about the various activities that we had just partaken in. Once we had relaxed for a while Master declared the high protocol part of our day to be over and we made dinner and watched some tv.

Overall, i had an amazing day! I do think i have had a bit of drop in the days since but not as much as i had kinda thought i might have. My sex drive had been on high since then and i feel almost insatiable, after sex i want more even though i am too physically used up/exhausted to do so.

Well, i have to go get ready for work so i’m going to wrap up here. Hope you all had a good weekend, we sure did. That one was definitely one for the history books, so to speak!!!

A Contract You Say?!?

We had a great talk last evening. We talked about the rules and I think that everything that I mentioned in yesterday's post will continue to happen (and restart for the ones that have fallen away). I will let Lee finish writing them up then post them. We didn't fully talk about the "if you don't follow the rule this is what will happen" part, that's more Her job than something we do together really.

After dinner we listened to a podcast together. We have been talking about doing this for quite a while now, Lee had even written into our rules that we would read/listen to M/s and PE stuff and talk about it last time She/we updated them. So we listened to the Approaching D/s as a Lifestyle episode from Erotic Awakening. The majority of what they were saying was more basic/beginner than where we are at but towards the end they talked about contracts. So our post podcast talk revolved around contracts. We have started talking about writing a contract recently. To be honest, in the beginning of our relationship I didn't see the need for one but the longer we are at this the more that I see how having a contract could be such a blessing to our M/s (oh and as a side note, Lee told me yesterday to use M/s instead of D/s because She thinks that it more accurately reflects our dynamic even though She doesn't call Herself a Master... More on that later...)

We aren't planning on writing up a contract any time soon. It's something that we both agree needs to have time to develop naturally without the pressure of time constraints. We made a list of some things we thought are important to include. Obviously other things may/will come up between the time the contract actually gets written and now but so far here's what we want to include. Our responsibilities to each other and our dynamic, a mission statement of sorts-something that will not only outline our M/s commitment and values but, also, if we have a child, our family values (I firmly believe that we are a family already, we don't need a child to be one. However, our M/s values are our current family values and if we don't end up having a child they will remain that way. But if we do have a child I'm sure that there are things that we will need to incorporate.) We also want to have a clearly defined renewal time. We will also include our rules and protocols that are already in place.

The biggest thing that we need to work on for the contract is to learn what are true needs and wants are. Although we didn't discuss that topic in too much detail I imagine that that will include both personal and relationship needs and wants. Lee had mentioned about including a goal but I said that I thought that the goal would be to have our needs and wants met and thinking about it now, a mission statement is a kind of a goal, isn't it?

Why do we want a contract? We didn't get much time to discuss this but the first and main reason is for the structure. I have come to view signing a contract as almost synonymous as signing a marriage license. It will be a monumentous  (sp?) occasion for us. At one point I asked Sir why if She felt it was important for us to have one for our M/s then why don't we have a marriage contract? Her reply was "Our marriage is M/s". Don't know why but hearing Her say that struck me pretty hard. Not that I had ever viewed our marriage as a separate entity from our M/s but hearing those words come from Her mouth made me realize that She believes that too I guess was part of why it hit me. I don't know why since our wedding vows have hints of our PE laced throughout them. Heck we even used our "scene names" during the wedding (which is what we use with each other and are, in truth, derived from our "real" names) except for the legal mumbo jumbo part.

While we were talking I was in tears a few times. Those who know me know that I am a bit of a waterworks case, so the fact that I was tearing up last night comes at no surprise. We both commented that we feel like we have such renewed hope for our future. I feel like Sir has changed. For a long time I could feel Her struggle with a role that She was not fully comfortable in. I don't see Her "playing" a role any more, She has really blossomed, for lack of a better word, into being a great Daddy Dom. She is now (at least from where I'm sitting) seems confident and sure in Her position as our leader in our PE. When I told Her that she seemed very happy. I also apologized for not telling Her how great She was this weekend, She kept telling me that I was being good but I never praised Her. So I told Sir that She had been a good girl too, which got a bit of a chuckle.

I feel like there is something else that I wanted to say but for the life of me I can't remember what that is now so I think I'm going to end this here. I have stuff I want to get done around the house so I'm off to do that now. 

Before I do leave though I want to ask, if you're reading this and have any tips for writing a contact please either leave us a note in the comments section or you could PM Lee or I on Fetlife (my profile)

A Turning Point

I think that Lee and I have turned a corner in re-establishing our D/s and even taking it to a whole new level. On Saturday we went tot he protocol dinner that our local MAsT group put on. We usually operate at a relatively low protocol and for fun wanted to amp it up for the dinner. To get into it even more Lee decided that we would start the higher protocol on Friday. The dinner was wonderful and getting to have a whole evening surrounded by others who are all not just kinky but into power exchange made the evening so special. On Sunday we talked about how we each thought the evening had gone. It was decided that since we both enjoyed the more formal protocol that we would keep it going. Sunday evening we had Easter dinner with the family so obviously it was much less overt but we still managed to keep it going. While getting ready for bed last night we decided that we are going to keep this level of protocol up.

We are going to talk more about it tonight once Lee gets home from work. I imagine we will institute a trial period then re-evaluate and either scrap them or make them part of our permanent set of rules. This could be/is a big moment for us. I am hopeful that this will make lasting changes in our relationship. I don't think that our rules page has been updated with our most current set of rules (I just checked and nope it sure isn't, I'll have to fix that or get Lee to since they are on Her computer) but what i foresee being added is the following: I must ask permission to leave Sir's presence, tell Her where I am going and ask if She wants anything while I'm away; Ask permission to sit when I am with Sir and; As much as possible I have to kneel in front of Her to present things (not sure if it's going to be just food like we have been doing so far or anything I give Her).

Also, Lee said last night that while I don't need specific permission to use the washroom right now I will in the future. I have been thinking (uh oh!) and have come up with a few modifications: I want to add a piece that limits my use of furniture while Lee is around and change the waiting for permission to eat rule to include that Sir should start the meal then invite me to eat with Her. I think we should also reinstate the sweets/treats and water consumption rules that we have let fall by the wayside because one of our current focuses is supposed to be on eating healthier.Neither of us have been the best with this one so those two rules would help meet that goal. But to be honest we haven't been doing so hot with any of our focuses for this month (they are speaking restrictions, eating healthier and morning text message). To be fair though we haven't had a situation come up recently that would require my to have my speech restricted, which is a good thing since that means that we haven't had any disagreements! I don't have an excuse for the eating healthier one though.

I have always thought that I would do better in a highly structured rules-based relationship. I don't think that Lee fully believed me until yesterday. She kept telling me, both yesterday and today, that I'm being such a good girl and remembering all of our new rules quite well. I can't even tell you how much I loved that. I don't think that there is much better on a slave's ears than praise for pleasing their Dom.

Daddy has called me Her slave for some time now. In the beginning of our D/s relationship I did not think of myself as a slave. I don't really have the time right now to get into my opinion of sub vs. slave except to say that my opinion is mostly based around 24/7 power exchange and is very different than what I thought when we first started this kinky ride. I've been thinking about my role a lot lately and have decided that I feel that slave represents my position in our relationship. I changed my D/s relationship status today on Fet so that makes it legit and shit, right?!?

Hello Again! Maybe Baby?!?

I had a choice. Once upon a time I had a choice. Now I don’t, I don’t have any say at all in fact. And that’s the way She and I both want it.

Here’s some background info that will help clear things up. Lee and I have been in the process of jumping through all of the hoops of trying to have a baby! It all started officially last spring with a visit to our doctor for a referral to a fertility clinic since we can’t do things the old fashioned way. Since then we (well, mostly me since I will be carrying out baby) have had to have a variety of tests and I had minor surgery but we have finally have gotten to the point where we are ready to order our donor sperm and start actively trying.

Now, back to the topic at hand, my lack of choice. In the beginning of the baby process it was assumed that we would choose a donor together. After the first time we looked we decided that I wasn’t going to be involved in the initial selection. To me it didn’t matter. The way I explain it to friends and family is like this: when you are choosing a mating partner you don’t choose someone that has the qualities that you want your future children to have. So it really doesn’t matter, to me, what colour hair the person has, what they do for a living or anything else. But it does to Lee. She had read a book of short stories, one of which talked about the “other mother” choosing the donor. So we decided we would do that too, Lee would narrow it down to a few choices and we would pick one from those together. This was the plan for many months until recently when I asked Her to take away that choice.

More background info. Lee and I have been really focusing on getting our D/s running more smoothly lately. Since moving we have had a lot of good intentions and a few good attempts but for one reason or another we always “fell off the bandwagon". Lately we have been going well. Also, we have come to the realization that we feel more closely relating to the Daddy/girl labels than Domme/sub one. I almost exclusively call Lee Daddy in private and at kink-friendly events so I am going to use that here instead of Madam, which we have all but abandoned (we have talked about trying out Sir for more formal and /or play situations).

In our relationship, Lee owns me entirely. She is not required to, but often does, consult me about what is done with Her property, anything from my body or our home. I trust Her to make safe, sound choices for us and i have chosen to follow Her. So because of our renewed effort in our D/s I have had a substantial increase in my feelings of submission (obviously!).

And back to the main event again. I imagine that is what spurred my decision to give over the donor choice entirely to Daddy about two weeks ago. I had thought about it for days and the more I thought about it, the more I thought it showed my commitment to our dynamic and relationship.

Telling Lee that I didn’t want to be involved in choosing the donor has been a source of a huge emotional conflict for me though. When I told Her that I felt very submissive giving up this choice She told me that, for Her, it had nothing to do with ownership. For Lee, having exclusive choice of the donor was more about contributing what She could to the making of our baby. Hearing Her say that took away the feeling of being owned immediately. It was so devastating to hear Her say that. For the past few days I had been walking around in a bubble of submission and service to Lee and that bubble popped. One cannot be owned without someone owning them, right? Daddy wasn’t claiming ownership over my body and reproductive rights so that means I still have control over it? I can still say no to whomever She chooses? I struggled with feeling like I had just been abandoned.  During that time I felt very unsure of how I was going to be able to fully submit to someone who I felt like didn’t want total control of my body. We played and during that scene Lee landed a pretty hard boot kick in a not nice hurt kind of way. The next day I had a huge black/purple bruise, and I don’t bruise easily. Daddy was so excited that She had finally marked me but at the same time sad that she wouldn’t be able to reproduce it since it was a bad hurt. I didn’t think much of it and we went about our day. I can’t remember exactly how long after (the next evening maybe?) She was admiring it again. I, out of nowhere, blurted out that I would let Her do it again any time to see that look on Her face. At that exact moment I had that same owned feeling wash over me again. I am coming to the realization that I am the kind of submissive that really requires the “active” Dominant type. I have known that I need it but I am realizing that I really function best as a submissive/slave when Daddy’s presence is felt strongly in my soul. Again after the pain realization I was in my submissive bubble as I am now coming to understand it as.

On a semi-related topic, we have been to two meetings of the local MAsT group. Which is nice because we have both been feeling isolated and I think we might be able to make some good friends through this group.

Yes I know I ignored the fact that it's been months since either one of us have posted anything. I hope to get back into writing here on our little blog, though I’m sure there is nobody actually reading this, it helps to write out my thoughts and organize them into something semi-coherent.

When is a slave not a salve?

i feel anything but slave like.

i miss Her control. i miss kneeling before bed to have Her remove Her collar from my neck. i miss… i miss… i miss….

By the time i get home from work Lee is in bed and when She is gets up i am still sleeping. We are like two ships passing in the night.

For a week or so  at the beginning of this month Lee made a very micro-managing schedule for me but it just didn't work, for various reasons. We may try it again in the new year, maybe once things have settled down it will work better.

Once the new year comes we will be have two days a week together, our "weekend".  That might help. Recently we have only been having one day a week together, which, since i work late the night before and She works the next morning, really doesn't give us that much actual time together. Especially when you add on that we have errands, chores, etc. to do during that time.

We have also both been sick. i had two colds in one month!

i have pretty much lost my drive to serve and i feel like an imposter when Lee calls me Her slave. As much as i hate to admit it, i am needy. I need my Master standing over me actively dominating me, reminding me that They are in control, maybe because i have a fairly dominant personality. i guess it's also partly that i'm kind of like a young child in that if something is not right in front of me it doesn't exist.

i think once the Christmas season is over Lee and i are going to have to do some tweeking. i think things will improve without my class work and the holiday stuff  taking up so much time and energy. And as i said we'll have more time together which will enable us to re-connect more frequently and regularly.

i do think i need to do some critical thinking of myself to understand why i need such active control and try to come up with ways to satisfy this desire/need without placing my problem on Lee.

I don't know if this has come out in any sort of logical way. i apologise for the ramble but it is what it is.

i'm Back!

i'm not entirely sure what to write about today but for some reason I have the urge to write. Maybe cause it's been so long since i have and/or i finally have had enough time to catch up on *most * of the household stuff that i wouldn’t feel guilty for writing.

Well, in case you care to know what i have been doing these last few weeks i've been working more than usual. Anywhere between 3-5 (and a few weeks ago 6) days a week. Now i know to many of you that's probably the norm but not for me and because of it i have been tired and sore.

The other think that i have been doing is birthday shopping for Lee. Tuesday is a big birthday, a milestone, you could say, so i have been hunting for the perfect gift. This proved to be an almost impossible task. What kind of gift adequately represents my love and devotion to my wife/Master? I can't say what i ended up with right now cause then Lee would read it so you all will have to wait until after Tuesday yourselves to find out just like She does. But i think i did good...i hope!

*~*~*~*~*

Last Tuesday (or was it Wednesday? i think it was Wednesday... i can't remember!!) Madam decided that for the day i needed to ask permission to leave Her presence. Any time i wanted to do anything, even if it was something that She told me to do i had to ask. She's never required this of me before so when She told me about this i was worried that i'd forget, which i did a few times but overall i did pretty well with remembering.

Then on Thursday, She made me text Her to ask permission to go to the bathroom. The rule was that i had to wait 10 minutes for a reply and if She was busy and couldn't in that time then after the 10 minutes i was allowed to go. i remembered to text Her both times!

After She got home from work She we talked about how i felt about having to ask permission to go to the bathroom. i told Her that it is somewhat embarrassing to have to ask but that since i was fairly certain that She'd say yes that i wasn't really concerned. So She told me that next time maybe She won't say yes so quickly….next time?!? i'm not sure if this is leading up to always having to ask permission but if it is i'm not entirely sure that i like the idea. It's not the asking in and of itself that worries me but more that She will say no when i really need to go and then i will have to beg to go. i think that would be supremely humiliating.

And i also worry that this is going to lead to no bathroom privacy. i already pee with the door open and don’t care if Madam is in the bathroom when i'm doing so but the thought of having to go number 2 openly is not something that i even want to think about. i know many slaves have no bathroom privacy but i don't know if i'm okay with that.

i'm probably reading more into the two days of asking permission than i should be but i am a worrier (as i'm sure i've mentioned before).

D/s, M/s, What's the Diff?

Lee and I have had a few discussions in the past about "advancing into" a Master and slave dynamic. We even tried for a while, then things kinda fell apart, which is what prompted the discussion that we had last week. Before Madam and i had our talk last week i had hoped that it was going to be the re-start of the M/s, so to speak. You see, I have always identified as more of a slave than submissive but i didn't outwardly identify as that because Lee had made it clear that She wasn’t ready to own a slave. i was so thrilled that Lee was finally ready to accept me as Her slave, i didn't care if it was really what was best for us, if we were ready for that kind of commitment.

She decided that we needed to work more on firming up our D/s before "advancing" to a M/s relationship. i'm not going to lie, i was disappointed for selfish reasons. Just as i agreed to be Her slave before for selfish reasons. Then like two days later, in the middle of a scene She asked me to be Her slave. i wish i could remember Her exact words because i remember that they were beautiful. i, of course, said yes. When i asked Her later what made Her change Her mind she said it just felt right at the time. Which makes me worry that She was just caught up in the moment and had disregarded what ever Her reasons were to hold back before. i mean, nothing had changed. Nothing that i was aware of at least. i'm also worried that She rushed into this for me.

All of this has got me thinking as to what would/will change in our relationship in M/s vs. D/s? i mean, we already live 24/7, though it may not be complete TPE it's pretty darned close, close enough for what we/She wants. i even took Her last name when we got married!

I really don't know what I've gotten myself into by agreeing to be Lee's slave

i know, i know, i need to just accept what She says at face value and stop trying to find ulterior motives and meanings behind things. My problem is that I'm just like a toddler, I always want to know why. Why did you do that, decide that, etc.? That's probably my biggest hurdle to becoming a better slave. It's not just with Madam that I do it, as far as I can remember I've always been like this (I think that's why I love to read so much and always want to learn new things).

*~*~*~*

i've been a busy girl the last few days. On Thursday i peeled, sliced and froze about 11 pounds of peaches and made a peach and blueberry crisp as well as my chores. Yesterday i made two pans of peach muffins before going to work. i'm off today but i hope to get a few extra chores done cause i'm working tomorrow to Thursday, all evenings so i can't really do much when i get home because Lee will already be in bed and i don't think Her or the neighbours would appreciate it if i started vacuuming at one o'clock in the morning!!

Madam and i have to talk about our move again soon as i've finally found out more info about transferring my LPN license to Manitoba. After all the fretting and worrying that i did, it sounds like it shouldn't be difficult at all! i've been thinking of going back to school to become a RN. There are two schools in Winnipeg that offer the RN program and i have a family member who went to one and now teaches at the other so i have emailed her to see if she can offer any insight into which would be my better choice. So i guess the moving discussion will probably wait until i hear from her.

Well, i've gotta get going on my chores. Lee will be home in about six hours and because i worked last night, i got to sleep in so i haven't even started them at all yet :(

If anyone can provide me with some insight about the sub/slave Domme/Master differences would be lovely!!!

My Love/Hate Relationship

i’m not sure if I’ve talked about this before so if i have i apologize but i’ve been thinking about it since it happened (again!) on Friday.

On Friday evening, Madam and i had a shower together. We shower together quite often and i love it. i get to shampoo and wash her and if i’m lucky Madam washes her toy too. We have one of the wand shower heads that has the massage setting on it. Once in a while Madam gets the brilliant idea to give me a massage “down there” which i love to hate.

Well, Friday night was one of those times. i tried to cover myself and turn away but i was told to be a good girl and move my hands and stand still against the wall. my clit is very sensitive and the pressure of the water is usually torture as was the case this time. i begged her to stop over and over but my pleas fell on deaf ears. Up till this point Madam had been “going easy” on me, my outer lips were protecting my clit somewhat. Then She told me to open myself up for Her. Again in vain, i pleaded with Her but i was met with the same command to open up. Realizing that my resistance was futile, i relented and pulled back my protective lips to expose my clit completely to the hard stream.

i screamed as the assault began again. my body bucked and thrashed against the torture. And even though i was imploring Madam to stop i could feel something stirring inside me and my pussy getting wet. “i want you to cum slut” Madam commanded and i could tell that i would soon even though i was saying no. i was deep in sub space by that point.


i could feel the wave of orgasm building stronger every second. As the wave engulfed me i started crying. my body had betrayed my mind, again, as it always ends up doing when Madam uses the water on me.

Madam returned the water to the regular shower setting and put it back in the holder on the wall, wrapped Her arms around me and held me under the stream letting me cry on Her shoulder.

Once i calmed down a bit, the water was shut off and Madam wrapped me in a towel.
Later, laying in bed i asked Madam how it makes Her feel when i say no and beg Her not to “massage” my clit. She told me that for a second She still second guess Herself but quickly realizes that if i actually meant no that i would use my safe word and that then She almost gets giddy with the feeling of power and control that She gets from being able to make me cum even though i “want” Her to stop.

She asked me how it makes me feel. It makes me feel exposed, vulnerable, open, violated (in a good way), controlled, owned. But to sum it up in one word, i feel very submissive.

i love/hate you shower head massager!!!

i love You Madam!!! and i can't wait for next Monday!!!

Used Goods

i am writing as i think today so apologize in advance :)

i am supposed to be doing chores right now but my back is sore for some reason so i thought i'd relax for a while and write before i start. Thursday afternoon on the bus to work i was trying to write out a few thoughts on my submission to Lee. i'm trying to write a few phrases that i can "meditate to" on my way home from work to help me refocus my attention to Her. i got a couple down but to be honest i was distracted by the ache in my abused pussy. Since the other day when i made the comment to Madam that i thought She possibly wasn't hitting as hard as She used to Madam seems to be giving me harder spankings and using me sexually more frequently (refer to my last post if you don't know what i'm talking about lol). Now i realize that it's only been a couple of days since but it has been a both wonderful and uncomfortable, painful and pleasurable, degrading and hot couple of days.

Part of it is that She has also not let me cum for the last two days. Last night i begged and begged Her for an orgasm to no avail. i don't know how long this denial will last for but i love and hate it! It keeps me "on" all the time, which is why i guess that some Dom/Dommes do it. i am so horny and have been since She started this. It has made me feel very insignificant knowing that my enjoyment isn't of concern.

Being used, i'm discovering, is a pretty big fetish of mine. Being fucked, not because the other person wants me so much but only because i have holes that will satisfy their primal need. That is part of what rape scenes are about to me, i could have been replaced by another woman and the rapist would have still done the same thing. Same with being a prostitute, the person fucking you calls the shots. We haven't done any sort of prostitution play to know if i am into it but i can see all the potential there!

i think it comes down to it feeling used = feeling owned to me. Lee owns me and therefore can
use me how ever She chooses. That means that i am Her prostitute, Her free prostitute i might add!, when She wants to fuck. Just like i am Her chef when She wants dinner, Her masseuse when she wants a massage. Don't read that wrong, i am in no way saying that i do not enjoy being Madam's prostitute, i am happily Her slut. :) i wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China. :)

Okay i think i should quit rambling and go and be productive now.

Evaluation of Life

First of all i want to say that i am a very lucky girl. Yesterday Madam gave me a Easter egg hunt!! A few weeks ago i had mentioned in passing that i wanted one, only half seriously and not thinking that She would but She did! Thank you Madam, you are the greatest!!!

Now on to more serious talk.
The last month or so i have been working, which has changed a few things in our relationship: we don’t have as much time together, my hip and knee hurts more often so it’s harder to serve/play and chores are being neglected and i’m asking for Lee’s help with them more than i used to.

How have these changes affected us?
Well, i think that having time apart is a good thing, it hasn't increased my alone time any (except bus rides but i don’t really count those) but it has increased Lee’s alone time which i think is great for Her. She needs time to do Her own things.

my hip and knee hurting has impacted service and play. i can’t kneel for nearly as long or as often as i’d like. And getting up is anything but graceful. i've also been suffering from very itchy skin in the last couple of weeks. The play itself doesn't tend to aggravate my sore areas or itchiness but i do find i’m distracted by the pain and/or itching and therefore not fully “with” Madam when we do play. Because of mostly these two things we haven’t really had a full “scene” in i think close to a month, maybe even a bit longer. i miss playing desperately and even though we still cuddle and are close in other ways i don’t feel like i have that connection that we get after a good scene. i know, i know, some of you may be thinking, a month, she’s complaining that she hasn't played in a month?!? Yes, yes i am. We have both said in the past that regular play is important to us to keep us connected and close.

Our home isn't in the condition that i would like it to be. That isn't only because of work though, i have been feeling a tab bit lazy and unmotivated as of late but i’m not entirely sure why. i try to pre-plan when i’m going to do my non-daily chores but it always seems to get screwed up with calls from work. Then the chore(s) that were supposed to be done that day aren't so then i have to do them the next day which back up the next group of stuff and creates a domino effect affecting the whole rest of the schedule. And on my days off i feel overwhelmed with the prospect of trying to catch up and usually avoid doing much of anything.

And i would like to be working more to try to bring in more money so we can work at paying down our debts and start saving to one day buy a house and maybe have a child. But the thought of that makes me worry about how i’d ever keep up. When i was single i never worried about how working full time kept me from getting my house work or anything else done. But i guess then i didn't have to factor in down time with my partner, play time, and the extra chores that having another person makes (you wouldn't think it’s much but it is-the bathroom gets dirty twice as fast, there’s almost double the laundry and dishes, etc.)

i think i need to get better at managing my time, i think i’m wasting too much of my time being unproductive (especially in the mornings). i need to use the time i have more efficiently.

i kind of feel like most of the D/s and kink has disappeared from our relationship and lives as of late. i’m mad that i have let it drift away. i want it back. i want to feel Lee’s influence in my actions. i want Her rules and punishment for infractions. i crave Her hand around my neck and Her eyes staring into mine demanding my obedience and submission.

Changes are happening

Lee and i have decided that we need to make some adjustments to the way we have been operating. For the last few days we even paused the D/s part of our relationship, last night was the first time i have worn Her collar since Saturday.

We jumped into 24/7 very quickly without giving ourselves and each other time to adjust to the huge changes that power exchange has on a couple, especially one that had been vanilla to start with. Neither one of us were "naturals" in our roles, as i have mentioned time and time again, so there was/is a steep learning curve involved as well.

Last night we had a really good talk about where to go from here. Lee has been busy the last few days reading and trying to come up with a "game plan" for us. We have decided to take a big step back and really focus building a stronger more stable foundation that we can build on. We are going to concentrate our efforts on things that Lee and i feel are important to our dynamic and toss the stuff that we thought was important in the beginning but turns out means little to nothing to either one of us.

For now we are going to leave the rules that we had posted on this blog up but we are not following them for the most part. In case you care to see what rituals/protocols/rules we have i am going to post an update on that page.

One thing we didn't talk about too much was how me going back to work is going to affect things like chores. When i was at work the last two days Lee did them but i would like to get into a routine of doing them myself more once i get used to working again (holy crap am i not used to it right now lol!!!). Of course i will probably need Her help once in a while but if we’re both working then those responsibilities will fall to me more so.


Getting to kneel before Madam and say my mantra this morning was such an incredible feeling, i have missed it so much and realize now how much i took what She did do for granted. i was so focused on what she/i/we weren't doing the way i wanted that i overlooked what we were doing that i enjoyed. i need to (and am going to work much harder to) keep that in mind when i feel like things aren't 100%. Just because some things aren't perfect doesn't meant that everything is terrible. i am trying to work on that attitude for not only our dynamic but in general as i have a tendency to "throw the baby out with the bath water".

So if you’re interested the update please check it out on the page that has been re-titled Rules, Rituals and Protocols.

Oh and one other thing... We're going to our first play party-Domlander-this weekend! We don't plan on playing, we're just going to see the show, socialize and watch others play. (there's a fashion show and comedic competition before the actual play party) i promise to give a review of how it went ;)

And, as always, please feel free to leave comments, suggestions or questions on this or any other post. And if you like what you read here please follow or subscribe to our blog.

Letting Go

i am a very dominant person, submission does not come naturally for me. The reason that Lee and i chose to have a 24/7 relationship was to try to balance the power in our relationship. i am a control freak to the max. i get pushy when i want my way. When i’m asked to do something, not just by Lee, i need a reason (and because i said so doesn’t cut it for me). i am a very logical step-by-step kinda gal and if i think that what you’re telling me, asking me to do, etc is bullshit then i will call you on it. And i don’t have a very good filter so i too often say what i’m thinking before i can stop to think if it’s a good idea to do so.

i keep thinking that maybe i’m in the wrong role, that i should be the Domme. But then i start thinking about all the things that i would miss. i honestly do enjoy the service, the pleasure of seeing Lee happy to come home to a clean apartment, dinner and an eager mouth waiting to be filled with Her taste. i love making Her life easier and more enjoyable.

Most of my sexual fantasies have always been about being taken, used, forced, hard rough sex. And that’s why i first started looking into BDSM stuff. i very rarely crave soft sensual romantic sex. For me the harder, the dirtier, the more “abusive” the better. Grab me by a fist full of my hair, shove me to my knees and tell me to obey and i will wet my panties. i don’t for one second doubt that i am at the very least a sexual submissive and somewhat of a masochist.

Oh i don’t know. And worse i don’t know how find out. Lee and i have talked about trying out switching roles but i don’t know that that would give us me a good idea unless it went for a while, a month or more maybe even. We’d have to keep it up until the frenzy/newness of it wore off. I’ve contemplated the idea that i might be a masochistic/bottom Domme but then i go back to the whole service.

i think what it is that i need a strong heavy handed Domme to take my control/power/need to be right away. Someone who won’t let me get away with the things i have been doing lately, someone who’ll say you will obey or you will be sorry.

Well, i have to go finish my chores and get dinner started so i think I’m going to leave it here. If anyone has any advise they can offer to help i’d be ever so grateful

Mouthy Sub=Bad Sub

Some days i wish i still had sub frenzy. For me it wasn't just that i wanted to try everything kinky all at once, i also had way more drive to completely submit. No bratty attitude, no talking back, no excuses, i did what was expected of me and then some. But it's gone and wishing won’t bring it back. i don’t really think i want it back to be honest. i just want to be a “good sub” and loose the attitude that i have, for some unknown reason, seemed to have picked up recently.

Ok so it’s not entirely unknown. i have always been very strong willed. i am the first born and a Capricorn. my last girlfriend was very emotionally walled in and often the only way to reach her was by manipulating her and/or the situation. i am used to being in control, leading. i can be very rigid once i have decided on something. All qualities that are probably not the best for someone who wants to be a submissive. Now, i realize that there are all types, oh please, i know. But there are some general qualities that most subs possess and that i want to as well. i guess that’s it, i want to be more submissive, and not just with Lee but in life in general. i have caught myself in work and personal situations being bossy and i don’t like it one bit.

Alright, on to the problem at hand. i have been quite mouthy lately and no matter what i do to try to stop it, i just seem to be getting worse. For example, i haven't been showering with Lee as much for the last few weeks a few reasons. So the other day I did finally have a shower with her. We both were hoping that Her marking me would help put me back into the headspace. It did- until i finished washing Lee and started washed myself, thereby ridding myself of Her physical mark, so all of about two minutes!! The brattiness was back before we even got out of the shower!! L

A lot of time when i am being mouthy i’m making some sort of joke about Her dominance, which i’m sure is not helpful at all at in instilling confidence in Her or re-assuring Her that i want Her to be my Domme. It starts as a joking but i usually take it too far, i just don’t know where the line is between joking around and being a brat.

I’ve seen other subs posting on FetLife asking for help with this exact issue and the responses they get are mostly along the lines of think before you speak and/or keep a marble (or some similar object) in your mouth. I don’t know how useful the think before you speak suggestion is for me cause i tend to shoot off before i think, it’s generally not that i decide to talk back, etc (at least at first then usually i continue cause i don’t get told to stop/shut up/etc the first time and continue until Madam does tell me to do so). As for the marble idea, well, i would be worried about choking.

When we were making up my rules Madam was adamant about not having a rule to prevent me from speaking freely, She wanted me to be able to say what i wanted when i wanted, except when directly in service. I’m starting to wonder if that’s the best choice right now. I don’t want to dictate the rules to Her (to me that screams topping from the bottom, even though Madam and i made the majority of the original rules together) but i think i may need tighter rules on my ability to speak. Maybe rules, enforced rules with serious punishments for infractions will help train me to stop saying things that i shouldn’t. i understand that the reason that the rule wasn’t put in place was because Lee didn’t want me to become a different person all together or feel like i couldn‘t say something that i thought needed to be said. I get that and i don’t want to change who i am fundamentally, i just want to change this aspect.

Sometimes i feel like She just expects me to train myself. i want to be what She wants me to be but so far i have very little idea what that actually entails. i want to be the sub She moulds me into being. Everything about my submission right now is generic, i feel like it has come out of a one size fits all submissive kit. Maybe that’s a bit exaggerated but i don’t really feel like i’m Lee’s sub any more than a sub, except that we had/have a romantic relationship aside from the D/s. If it weren’t for our history i think that i probably would have gotten even more frustrated at the lack of control. i would start to wonder why i was even there, why does She have a sub if She isn’t wanting to make me into Her sub. i'm feeling a lack of HER ownership. Does She want me to be Her sub or a sub? Shall i continue to be a generic, out of the box, no personalizations sub indefinitely? How can one feel like their Madam/Master/etc’s sub when they haven’t received any real guidance as to what that should look like? Maybe i’m being overly dramatic, overly demanding, it was my idea to do this in the first place. i should accept that this is a process, she is learning Herself. How can She teach me what to be when She doesn’t even know what She wants?



But She is the one who is supposedly in charge. i need Her to stop allowing me to dish out the shit that i have been and start demanding that i comply. i need consequences for my actions.

Or maybe, just maybe i need to stop being so needy. i need to think more about what Madam needs and less about what i need. Maybe that’ll solve the problem.

Thoughts on Sex and Being a Slut

Last night Lee and i were playing around... actually i was tickling Her and joking that She wasn't a very tough Domme if Her meek little sub (not!!! lol) was able to overpower and tickle Her until She was red in the face and could hardly breath...well, She decided to show me how powerful She was and hauled me to the floor by my hair. i ended up on my knees and face, with my ass sticking out so that it was easily accessible for what ever She fancied, which last night happened to be seeing how much of Her hand would fit inside me while telling me all about how She was going to have me fucked in every hole by as many people as She could get.

Having my pussy filled and stretched was HOT HOT HOT!!! And hearing Madam tell me about all the fat cocks that She was going to get to fill me, the pussies She'd shove my face into, OH MY GOD!!! The thought of being used with no thought of my pleasure turns me on immensely. Thnking of being "the holes" in a gangbang gets me so wet!

Let me explain. i tried to explain this to Madam last night but i don't know if i said exactly what i wanted to convey, so if not i hope this clears things up for you to Ma'am.

Sex is usually just sex. (except, of course, with you Ma'am) i could have sex with guys all the time and i still wouldn't consider myself to bisexual. i am a lesbian. i even maintained that "status" while i briefly dated a guy a year and a half ago (i was heterocurious, what can i say?). i am attratced to women waaay waaay more and i would never date a guy again if, God forbid Madam died (we're in it for life so there is no breaking up)-that's why i consider myself a lesbian. But a big part of the reason that i'll have sex with men though is that they, for the most part, think only of themselves and their own pleasure much more than women do (this is only my experience, if your man isn't like this that's great for you!) Sex with women is much more fair, more even. i like the idea of sometimes being fucked until my partner has came then tossed aside with no regard for the fact that i hadn't "finished". i like being used, what can i say?

Even though we are in a mono relationship, if Madam told me to go fuck so-and-so, i would, as long as it was safe. i don't care what Her reason would be, whether it were to test my obedience, to entertain Her and possibly others or just because. i would do it. i would rather have another sub/slave (and i hopefully) entertain Her but if She ever decided to lend my hole(s) to another Master/Mistress to use i would go without question. i trust Her to make sound decisions. i would look at the other person as an extension of Madam, they would be another instrument at Her disposal just like the cane, Her cock, or any of the other implements that She uses to own me. i did tell Her that i would only do it if She were either involved or watching if bondage were involved (going back to the safety clause).

On a somewat related note, i have always been intrigued by poly relationships, swinging, and open relationships (true open relationships, not the ones that are open cause the primary one is in trouble). i was once approached by a couple to become part of their family. At the time i told myself that i couldn't have imagined having to tell my family and that i didn't want to have to keep it secret but i think the bigger reason was that they had kids that were like 4 and 9 at the time and i didn't feel that they had thought that aspect through enough. If the kids hadn't been around? i don't know what i would have done.

i LOVE sex. In the past i have had sex with people i don't care about or that i'm not 100% attracted to. i have had sex to spite exes. i have had sex only because i know that the other person want to. Does that make me a slut? Maybe... i most definitely LOVE being Madam's filthy fucktoy slut! Having Her talk dirty to me turns my nether regions slick with copious amounts of "natural lubricant", if you catch my drift. Just thinking about it now....i think i need to take a break ;D


i do kind of wish She was into having a threesome with another woman. i've been involved in a few (not just with women mind you) in the past and can say that good times were had by all involved. i say this because sex is fun and variety is the spice of life, or so the saying goes. i don't say this because i am in the least bit dissatified with the sex that Lee and i have now. On the contrary, it is the best sex i have had in my life. And i don't just say that cause Madam reads what i write, it's the honest to goodness truth. Then why would i want a threesome, one might ask? Well for the spice factor and you can learn new techniques and just cause it's plain fun. and cause i'm a bit of a slut. OK i said it. Or maybe with another couple each of us having sex in our pairs, at least to start off with. Pretty sure it won't happen though.

If Lee and i had an open relationship would i sleep with other people? Probably only with Her present and/or involved. i'd rather us be together than have each of us have sex with others separately. i'm not sure why, maybe then there would be less of a chance of jealousy issues? One thing i know is that i would never cheat on Lee. i love and respect Her far too much to ever hurt Her.

OK i'm done for today, i have a headache and this computer screen is hurting my brain... of to divert the blood to other parts of my body!!!....

Naughty sub and Our Anniversary

Last night Madam had to punish me. i broke the rule about asking for a treat, twice. i ate a Rice Krispy Square and drank a Coke, both without asking. i knew what i was doing was breaking the rule when i did it but basically chose to ignore it. After my corner time, i begged Madam to give me a spanking but She decided that She wasn't going to. Not as a punishment as least. Instead She upped the intensity of my maintenance spanking quite a bit.

Usually i lay over Her lap and She bare hand spanks me but last night She had me stand and bend over onto the bed. She warmed my ass up with Her hand then used the cane. After She finished we talked for a few minutes and decided that from now on the maintenance spanking were going to be more along that line, that neither one of us were finding that the current intensity to be sufficient. i asked Her to hit me harder. She bent me back over the bed and went and got her belt. Now, last time She used Her belt it hurt like hell but last night it didn't feel that bad at all, in fact She was spanking me harder with Her hand so She got the cane back out. She beat my ass until it was red and covered in welts and i was crying. Finally, the release that i had been longing for. Even though there were no tears my body heaved with my heavy sobs. It was so cathartic.

i don't understand why i need that physical punishment to forgive myself but i just don't feel like i have atoned for my sin(s) until i have. i think that sometimes i act out to get the punishments because i don't know how to ask for them. Madam told me last night that if i feel i need a spanking, that i can ask for one but to me that feels like i'm telling Her what to do. i realize that if She were to punish me when i act out for attention that She is only reinforcing the bad behavior so for that reason i need to learn to ask. But still....

Afterwards, Madam fucked my pussy with her cock until i came four times. She put Her hand around my throat, making it slightly hard to breath which i found incredibly arousing. The thought that my very life was in Her hand was soooo erotic! The struggle to breath, to swallow...i think i want to experiment more with breath play!! Safely though, i don't want to go the extreme where i would be in danger of passing out.

Switching gears....

Today is our anniversary! It was one year ago today that we went on our first date. One year ago my whole life changed and i have never been happier. i met my best friend. Though it has only been one year that we have been together, She knows me better than anyone else has. She knows my deepest secrets, my loftiest dreams and everything in between. She is my eternity mate, the woman i will spend the rest of this lifetime and each lifetime to come with and that still wouldn't be enough time with Her. We are having dinner at home (steak and crab legs if you care to know) and then going to the gay bar to dance. We haven't been dancing since Halloween, except if you count when i make Lee dance with me in the kitchen lol.

Well Madam is leaving work early so i had better go and get back at the housework so it's all done when She gets home.

i love You so much Lee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Happy anniversary!!!!!!!

Ranting and Updating and Goals! Oh, my!

What to say... what to say...?

One of my rules is that i have to blog twice a week and it's Thursday and i haven't blogged once yet this week. i have been a busy little sub- baking, meal planning, cleaning, getting my resume updated and so on and so on.

i think i'm going to start off with a bit of a rant today. i am a member of a few submissive groups on Fetlife and i have been noticing lately that so many women (and men i guess but it seems to be more so the women) think that there is one "way" to be a sub/slave (herein known as s-type), have a D/s relationship, please their Mater/Mistress (herein known as M-type), etc. i get so frustrated and shout at my computer screen which i realize doesn't help anything but i cannot for the life of me understand why so many probably very intelligent women think there is one way?!?! Yes there are how-to books, but they are mostly suggestions and if something isn't right for you or your relationship then modify it or don't do it. It won't make you less of a s-type if you don't enjoy cooking for your Master/Mistress or if you aren't a masochist or what ever it is you think you are "supposed to do" if you and your M-type have agreed that is isn't right for the two (or more, if you're poly) of you, there are no kinky police who will come and throw you in jail if you don't do certain things. Ok, for things like flogging, caning or other actual play activities, yes there are right and wrong ways for safety reasons but last time i checked the s-type doesn;t usually do those things anyways. Chill out, you're not "doing it" wrong!!! AARRGGAAH!!! i have never really thought that Lee and i had to do anything we didn't want to. i have a bad knee- when it's bad i don't kneel, i sit cross-legged. i also get pretty bad headaches-when i do i'm relieved from doing my more intensive tasks, or putting them off for another day. And guess what? Lee doesn't punish me for sitting cross-legged, having a headache, not being able to do laundry cause the machines were all full...sometimes things are out of a person's control. i mentioned that maybe the reason that we never felt like we had to conform is because of the fact that we are lesbians and are used to not doing things the way society says is correct/normal but like i said i have never felt like i/we must do anything we didn't want to (except my tasks-some days i really don't feel like doing them but alas i must lol!)



OK i've said it. i'm done ranting...for today lol!! if anyone has anything to add or would like to counter what i have said please leave a comment.

The bumps that Madam and i were experiencing are smoothing out quite nicely. She has done an amazing job of stepping up to the plate and giving me a Madam to submit to. We have work to do yet but we are headed in the right direction

Madam has found two new ways of reminding me that i am Hers.

The first is one that neither of us thought that we would do let alone like enough to add to our regular routine. What is it you ask? Madam has begun marking me with Her urine on days that i shower with Her. i kneel in the bottom of the tub and while Her warm stream runs over my back i feel myself falling deeper and deeper into my place as Her property. It started after i was acting very feisty the other day and She decided to show me that as Her property She can do anything She wanted to. Now i know that we have it in our hard limits, but we had talked a bit about it and i had mentioned that i would be up for trying it as i thought it would make me feel very owned but i really didn't think Lee was into the idea at all. i love it and think it is helping me feel more owned through the day, kind of like the maintenance spankings (but since we do those just before bed i don't find their affect carries through to the next day).


The other way is through wearing bells on my ankle cuffs so i can hear each step i take. i know there are many subs who only have a necklace, bracelett or other "vanilla looking" "collar" but i love the reminders. Maybe that's cause we're still new at this and i need the more physical stuff right now. i love having all my senses reminded of Madam's ownership of me. So now i am reminded through sight, touch, smell (i can smell the leather of my collar sometimes, especially when i've been working hard-incentive to work hard? maybe!!) and sound. i am also reminded throughout the day mentally when i repeat my mantra.



We have been talking about me topping Lee for a scene. i have topped her before, in play and in a vanilla sense but not since i became Her sub. So... if anyone has any suggestions on how to maintain my submissive-ness while topping Madam, please throw them this way.

One other quick note, Madam and i have talked a bit about us working one day towards me becoming Her slave! i don't really know how that will happen but She has/is getting over the negative connitations She had about me being Her slave and i guess that's the first step. We both have a lot of growing to do before it happens but i'm glad to know that we have a long term goal to work towards as well as the shorter term ones.

Well, i think i've stalled the chores long enough and since i have another busy day i should probably end this here and get going on the tasks at hand. Oh the life of a sub!! But i wouldn't change if for anything.

Trying Times

Yesterday was probably the hardest day of my submissive life as of yet. But it was also one of my happiest, most owned feeling days too.

A bit of back story...
After cumming hard for Madam on Monday She informed me that i will not be orgasming again until my birthday which is Friday. For some that may not seem like a long time, and if She hadn't place the restriction on me it most likely wouldn't be for me either, but i am a highly sexual creature and just knowing that i can't orgasm makes me want it so much more (oh, the forbidden fruit!!!).

Ok on with the main story...
Madam decided that i should wear Her cock throughout the day while doing my tasks yesterday. Not constantly since it was my first time but on and off as i thought i could manage. i didn't think it would be too difficult, Her cock isn't overly long or thick, i'd say it's average sized. And besides that, it's not like it would be thrusting in and out of me right? So i gladly accepted the task, thinking it would make my day go by more quickly and enjoyably.

i had a late start on my morning as i had had a headache so it wasn't until about noon that i started my tasks. About 10 minutes in i remembered that i was supposed to have Her cock in me so i stopped what i was doing and went to "fill" myself. i went back to my tasks but much to my surprise the even simple act of walking caused Madam's cock to move around enough that i would feel it. i set a timer for 90 minutes and told myself that i only had to make it though that then it would be over.

But that isn't help. After about 30 minutes i was so aroused that i texted Madam begging Her to let me cum. i was told no. i sent another telling Her how bad my cunt was throbbing and how i needed a release but was told again no, i was not allowed to cum.

Ok... suck it up, i told myself and went about my tasks again. When the timer went off i decided to shower, shaving was one of my tasks for the day. The water running over my body never felt so good. The water trickled over my sensitive clit but rather than making me want to cum it almost felt like it was washing the need away. i started shaving and the need started to grow again. Shaving has always turned me somewhat but yesterday it was a hundred times more so than ever before. i managed to escape without disobeying Madam.

i knew though that if i were to try to refill myself then there was a good chance that i would explode from the feeling of Madam's cock pushing into my cunt. i didn't want to risk it so i took a break. It was so strange though, i felt so empty, alone and disused. The feeling of Madam's cock inside my cunt made me feel like she was using me even though she was at work. (yes i know she is using me when i am doing my tasks but i i mean more sexually, i guess)

Going about the rest of my tasks i felt achy and not in a good way. My labia and hole were being stretched longer than they were used to. The place between my thighs where the flared base rubbed was starting feel bruised but i felt used and completely owned. *sigh*

i met Madam at the grocery store after she got off work, with Her cock firmly inside me. When i told her that it was there she looked so pleased all of the day's discomfort was worth that moment!!

She took it out after She inspected my work on my tasks, including my shave job. Having Her hands run over my cunt while Her cock filled it was almost enough to send me over the edge but i managed to hold back to avoid disappointing her and Her denying me the right to orgasm until our anniversary towards the end of the month.

We had a quiet evening, just watched some TV, i did my weekly reading (an article about humiliation play and a poem, both found on the internet) and then She filled me again before i provided Her with Her nightly service (oral sex).We watched some more TV then off to bed where i received my maintenance spanking. Madam paused at 200 (half way) because was getting so aroused and let me calm down before finishing. Again i had a moment to calm myself before being ordered into display position where She pulled Her cock from my cunt. i almost orgasmed, it was so close!!

She ordered me into collar position but when i turned and knelt She was sitting on the edge of the bed naked with her legs open. Her pussy was right in my face. I shoved my face into it and began sucking Her clit and licking at Her hole ravenously. Like a starving animal, i went at her, not stopping until She pulled me off and ORDERED me into collar position. While i said my mantra in what was almost an indiscernible whisper i started to choke up. Madam asked me what was wrong and that started the flood of tears. i felt weak for begging to cum (it must be like an animal in heat) and for not being able to control my desires, for ignoring Her ordering me into position and rather satisfying my own needs.

At first i didn't want to tell Her why i was crying but after a minute i decided to open up. i admitted how i felt and told Her that i was just so badly in need of a release and that crying was the only way i could.

That was part of it, the other part that i see now looking back at it was that all day i had felt so owned and at that point my spanking was over, my cunt was empty and my collar was off. i had nothing.

Madam was so good to me. She encouraged me to let the tears fall as i needed, stroked my hair talked softly to me while my head lay in Her lap. After i had composed myself She asked me if i wanted wear my collar to bed and i don't think i have i ever beamed so widely in my life. It was exactly what i needed and this time i said my mantra proudly, looking in Her eyes like i'm supposed to. i asked permission then climbed onto my place in bed (i have a towel on my side of the bed to remind me of my place when i sleep).

This morning i feel somewhat empty, but not quite like i did yesterday when Madam's cock wasn't in me. Madam decided that today i would only be filled when she gets home from work unless i decided that i really want Her in me before that. So far i haven't and i don't think i will.
I absolutely love the feeling but i also know that my body needs time to rest and recover.

I cannot imagine how difficult it was for Madam to watch me cry on her lap knowing it was because of something She wanted me to do. i do know how much She loves and cares about me. i told her that i want to be made to wait and i do but i had no idea it would be this hard.

Thank you for owning my body Ma'am. your slut loves you