Struggling with slavery

i am currently reading "If This is a Woman Inside Ravensbruck: Hitler's Concentration Camp for Women" by Sarah Helm. i'm about 2/3 of the way through it and already this book has stirred up a lot of thoughts and emotions for me. It absolutely baffles me how people could carry out such horrific acts on others. It has made me question calling myself a slave.

i told Master a couple of days ago about how i am feeling. We talked for a little while about it. When She asked me what i wanted to do about it, i asked Her that that depended on whether She was wanting for me to reconcile my feelings with the idea or if we are going to look at trying to find new words. She told me that She expects reconciliation.

i have been tasked with trying to figure out how. How do i separate my slavery with true slavery? i feel like me being called/calling myself a slave makes light of the tremendous suffering and terror that true slaves went through throughout history and are, to this day, still going through. How on any level can i, sitting in comparatively absolute luxury, equate myself to someone who has know real horror? i have never known what it is like to be starved, tortured, made to live in filth and disease, used for medical experimentation and worked to death. i have never had to worry that at any moment i might be killed for any reason. i have the ability to talk with anybody i choose, read anything i want and speak up if i think my Master is doing something that will harm me.

How can i call myself a slave? Yes, i am my Master's property but does that make me a slave? Is that enough? i have the ability, as mentioned earlier that i have the right to speak up, but i don't have the right to tell Master what She will do with that information. i have given over control to Her but in reality i have done so willingly and freely and could at any moment revoke that consent. Yes that would probably end our relationship. She would have no right to "hunt" me down and force me to come back if i left. Does She doesn't have the "right " to transfer ownership of me to another master, that is something that we negotiated in the beginning. She has full control of our relationship but if that relationship ends so does Her control of me and what my future will be.

i think that the difference is a word that, up until now, i have left out of this.That word is Consent. A am a consensual slave. But isn't that an oxymoron?

i still don't have an answer yet, i imagine that it will take more time and soul searching before i can come to terms with my slavery.

Somewhere in my "researching" someone said something along the lines that just because that you can use your property any way you chose that not everything you have the right to do is right, morals still apply to Masters (and slaves)w. i willingly gave up my freedom to Master because i knew that She will use me well. She respects me and is not careless in how She deploys her Mastery over me. 

i'm sure there will be more to come on this topic in the future.

Work in Progress

I have been instructed to write this post.... I don't really have much to say on any particular topic... Lee suggested I write about what I think is bringing out my slavery more and how it feels to be in that mindset more. So I guess that's where I'll start. 

What is making it "easier" to be Lee's slave lately? To be honest, I don't really have an easy answer to that question. It definitely makes it easier when Lee is being more dominant. 

I think having other people that are in PE relationships around us has been a huge influence on why it's been easier for me to submit. Here's the deal. Up until recently Lee and I haven't had anyone who we have been close to that are also in a power exchange based relationship. We have met some amazing people thanks our local MAsT group. And because of MAsT and the people we have met through it, we have been so much more immersed in M/s. We have more frequent external.... reminders.... encouragement...reinforcement? i can't think of the right words to describe what I am thinking.  

You know how you tidy up the house a bit extra when you're having special company or when you're at a fancy restaurant you use better table manners? It's the same kind of thing. When we are with other M/s people, and to a lesser extent kinksters, I have found that we naturally use a slightly higher protocol. Plus, it's not like we can carry out some of our rules/protocols in front of just anybody. Getting down on my knees in front of Lee when it's just the two of us doesn't feel quite as exposing as when there are other people around. I don't know, am I alone on this or do other people feel like this too? Maybe it's because it's a rather new phenomenon for us?

So I think I covered the why part, so, I guess it's on to how does it make me feel. Well, I have talked about my struggle with mental health problems before but I don't think I have much recently. In the months leading up to now I have been getting more and more depressed (fairly seriously at times). I have been scared, no terrified, of the though of having a baby. I have been worried that if there are any complications with getting or staying pregnant that it will have serious negative consequences on me, which would obviously mean problems between Lee and I. Lee had even made an appointment with the doctor for me to talk about adjusting my meds. But I have been feeling so much better that She agreed to let me pause that talk. I feel more at peace right now than I have for a while. I feel like being Lee's slave has righted something in my head. Serving Her brings my mind and body a feeling of peace that I have never had before. 

Last night we had to go shopping after work. When we got home we were both tired. Luckily dinner was easy to make so Lee said She would do it. She told me to do the dishes. I wined that I was too tired and just wanted to go sit down. There weren't that many and they could wait till today was my thinking. Lee allowed me to get off with getting the coffee maker set for the morning for Her. While I did that She got dinner started. When She came back in from the bbq and I had started the dishes. She asked me why. I said that I had told myself that if there were few enough dishes to not worry about then it wouldn't take much to wash them and that since She had told me to do something, I should do it. I read on the Submissive Guide a bit ago something about obedience and how delayed obedience is still disobedience and partial obedience is complete disobedience. I have been thinking of that quite a bit lately and trying to work towards the goal of being more obedient cause I think there are times when I do fall into the delayed or partial obedience. I think that I'm doing better. Yes last night I delayed carrying out Lee's order, but I did end up doing it. It is a ongoing struggle, to be a better me, a better slave for my Sir. I am a work in progress.

Polyamory

Why am i interested in polyamory? What benefits do i see it having on our relationship? This is this week's assigned topic.

Before i answer Lee's question i though it would be best to mention how Lee and i envision our poly relationship. i'm sure that i've mentioned before that Lee and i have talked about one day having a third woman join our relationship but i don't know how detailed i have described our ideal situation. So here it is. We want someone who would want to be in a closed poly relationship (i think that's the term... what i mean is that it would be a three way relationship, no outside romantic partners, maybe non-sexual play partners, we haven't quite decided on that yet). Our ideal woman would be a sub with some switching tendencies or a switch that usually bottoms. We envision the sleeping arrangement as Lee having the primary bedroom and our partner and i would share a second bedroom. Our partner and i would alternate each night between the two rooms, so one of would would be with Lee while the other has the second bedroom and then trade the next night. Lee has said that She would want both of us to sleep with Her on occasion too. Working and household responsibilities are kind of up in the air and depends on what our partner did career wise and how service orientated they were.

So on to answering Lee's question...

i think that the biggest reason that i am interested in pursuing  a poly relationship is the additional emotional support. With an additional person around when one of us is having a bad day there are more people to give support. This also means that the burden of being the "supporter" is shared. Lee and i don't have a large circle of friends and having another person in an intimate relationship would be nice.

Money may not be everything but let's be honest, it is definitely nice to be financially well off. Having a third person in a household meas that we could have at least two full time incomes, maybe even two full time and one part time and still maintain our household the way that Lee wants.

And then there are the sexual benefits. A new person brings new ideas and experiences. She may have new techniques, scene ideas, etc. that Lee or i haven't thought of. She may also push boundaries further than we are currently comfortable with (in a good way). Having a third person would open up new possibilities for scene ideas that are just not possible with only two people. Also, if one of is "in the mood" and the other isn't maybe our partner will be and there will be less stress in that regard.

submissive vs. slave

What is the difference between a submissive and a slave? This is the topic that Lee has asked me to write about this week. The problem is that i don't really know. i have said before that i identify more as a slave than submissive so i should know.

Before i start, i want to preface what i am about to say: these are only my opinions.  If you don't agree with part or all of it, that is fine. 

A submissive has more choice in submitting. They have more freedom to decide when and what they will submit themselves to. The submissive has their own limits and requirements for the relationship.

A slave agrees to submit to their Master at the beginning of their relationship and after that they have no choice but to obey all demands placed upon them. They have no limits except for what their Master decides for them.

Another way of looking at it is who has the final say- the Top/Dom/Master or the bottom/submissive/slave. If the Top has the final say, then the bottom is a slave, but if the bottom has the final say then they are a submissive.

i call myself a slave because i have given over control to Lee. She make the decisions in our relationship even if those decisions are to have me make choices. For example, She has told me that one of my duties is meal planning. i have the time to be able to spend on planning our daily meals and snacks, i know Her food preferences and i am good at organizing and preparing healthy, nutritious food. Lee has given me this duty knowing that it is something that i am good at doing. She has told me that, if is She wants or feels it is necessary, that She will review my plan but in general She trusts me to make the right choices for us. 

i'm going to end here. i know this is short but i think that i have captured my feelings and given Lee what She was looking for (and really, that's the important part!)

Controlling my Short Fuse

i have a short fuse.  Lee told me to write about ways to help reduce my outburst this week. 

i think that it has a lot to do with my illness ( i think have mentioned before that i have Borderline Personality Disorder). So by taking my medications will hopefully help reduce the frequency of the outbursts and the strength of them when i do have one.

I also have a problem with my pride which translates into not backing down when Lee and i have an argument.  i want to be right and will get very stubborn about holding my position.  i'm not sure how to change that. I think that i just need Lee to not back down and in time will learn.

I really don't know what to tell Her. I don't know how to stop my outbursts or diffuse them. Hmmm…. Let me think….

Ok, here's what i have come up with so far:

Have Lee remind me that She is in charge, won't accept this behavior, etc. when She sees that i am beginning to escalate;

Lee needs to stay in control during those times, i need to learn that i can't win by acting up;

Have a time out to calm down, with the order from Lee to think about what happened/why i am acting this way/something similar;

i think punishment would help me feel like  Lee is in charge (physically dominating me??), a hard spanking or some other physical punishment;

After the time out i need to apologize to Lee, which i hate to admit, i don't always do (there's that pride thing again).

Also, i wonder if praise or other rewards when i am being a good slave would re-enforce good behavior and therefore reduce  bad behavior?

Charting the outbursts (what lead up to it, what i did during and how it was resolved) may help me/Her/us see a pattern and be able to better understand why they happen and therefore be able to tailor a behavior modification plan towards the cause(s) and what worked to diffuse it.

i think i'm out ideas for now. Anyone have any suggestions?

my Ideal Madam

Lee gave me this writing assignment. i am to think about what would make an ideal domme for me and why and to think of how it is for Her to switch into a 24/7 mind frame. if this is confusing or seems random i apologize but it's because i'm just typing as i think and trying not to edit my thoughts too much.

Qualities:

• Love is number one- i could not fully submit to someone not in the context of a loving relationship as my service comes from my heart...also You have to love Yourself to show me that you are deserving of and able to accept my love of you
• Open and honest communication-this is the basis of trust, without this there is no relationship. We need to be able to tell each other anything without fear of reprisal. We need to be open about our needs, feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, fantasies, worries, insecurities not only about D/s but our relationship in general and as individuals
• Respect in and Pride for Yourself and me- we are humans we are not infallible. Realize that we will both make mistakes along the way but that doesn't mean that we are not a good person or a good Domme or sub/Owner or pet/Poppi or little one
• Self-Awareness-knowledge of what You want/need from me and our relationship so You can see the benefit/point of our power exchange
• Leadership/Guidance in day-to-day activities-to best be able to serve my Madam i need to know Her preferences, priorities, etc
• Self-Control-not reacting in anger to something i may do or say that my Madam dislikes
• Encouragement-to further explore my limits of pain, service, career advancement, etc
• Protection-in a scene by realizing when i have past my limit and can't/haven't used a safeword and in real life by making sure i have adequate shelter, food, clothing as well as Your physical protection when we are together
• Desire for Self-Improvement-i need my Madam to realize when She doesn't know something (or doesn't know enough) and takes the time to learn by reading, asking questions (of me or other Dom/mes), attends to munches/workshops/etc
• Patience with Yourself and me- we are still (and in my opinion will always be to an extent) learning. That doesn't mean being lax with our rules but does mean that You know when to push and when to give some slack
• Consistency-a big part of the reason that D/s appeals to me is the structure that it places in my life. i am a organized person in my heart but i need someone who can bring that into fruition
• Initiates sex, love making and scenes-i need to know that i am sexually desired not just loved. i want to be ravished, used for my Madam's gratification
• Maturity-to be able to honestly manifest most of the traits i have listed my Madam needs to be mature. She accepts responsibility when things go wrong as She is ultimately in charge

i can only imagine how difficult it is for Lee to move into 24/7 D/s. She leave our home in the morning and spend all day at work in the "vanilla world" then comes home and has to switch gears which i think could be hard for even a seasoned Dom/me. Even when She is at home we still have "vanilla world" stressors in our lives that can distract Her. i'm sure it is hard to feel Dommely when there are things going on in your life that make you feel powerless. We have been moving quite quickly into the 24/7 lifestyle and all the changes i'm sure are overwhelming. i have trouble remembering our rules sometimes and i don't expect Her to remember them all of the time either. When i catch myself breaking a rule i tell Her that i have so we are both reminded to help us learn them, not to "rub it in Her face" that She has forgotten/been lax about them. Being in a 24/7 D/s is not something that Lee had wanted initially and i still wonder sometimes if She really does want it or if She's just doing it for me and if that's true it would make it all that much harder for Her. But since i'm not her i don't really know how this is all affecting her, all i know is that it is challenging.

i'm going to end with a excerpt from a poem that i found the other day called Submissive Woman. It's really quite beautiful and if you want to read the whole thing its here.

Her part is much harder than mine and I know this and am grateful that she cares enough about me to spend her time and energy so freely on me.

I have the easier job: to feel, to experience, to let myself go and abandon everything to her.

I am both her pleasure and her responsibility and she takes both seriously.

I am a submissive woman. I am proud to call myself that.

My submission is a gift that I do not give lightly and only be given to one who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold.

Only to she who has the strength will i give myself fully, because I am strong and proud. I am a submissive woman.