This is a ramble of thoughts. i am just writing thoughts out as they come so hopefully it will make at least some sense.
-i miss Kahwaii so badly it hurts all over my body. i have cried what feels like an ocean of tears. But i don't think i've had a chance to fully grieve my loss because i feel like i have to watch over Master as She isn't taking the breakup very well. i've had to remind Her that She needs to eat and to keep putting one foot in front of another. The day after Kahwaii broke up with Master and i i was very hurt. We were supposed to go to the wedding of some friends but we ended up cancelling and just hanging out the two of us. We went and saw a cute movie and went out for dinner.
-i keep trying to tell myself that nothing is permanent and that some people aren't meant to be in your life story forever but i don't feel like the story that Master and i were writing with Kahwaii was over yet. There were so many things left to experience with her. But maybe she was meant to be in our lives for a short period of time to teach us how to poly better so that if/when the next opportunity comes up i/we will be better prepared for it. i don't want that, right now i just want her back.
-i feel guilty for Master loosing Kahwaii. If it weren't for my problems, the two of them could be together. i have even gone so far as to suggest that the two of them carry on without me, which they both declined. i know i have a lot of baggage with my borderline personality disorder and have been trying to work on getting my emotions under control.
-i want so badly to hate Kahwaii. It would make this easier. i could say good riddance and move on. But i can't. She means so much to me and i can't just turn those feeling off as i have discovered.
-Master and i have been talking nonstop. There are things that we have agreed that need to be worked on, longstanding problems that we have been brushing aside lately. Things that if you went back years in the blog you'd probably find being mentioned there like my obedience and Her consistency and our differing needs for sex and play.
-Last night, for the first time in a long time Master and i danced in our kitchen without music, something we used to do regularly. As we slowly turned and twirled in silence i could feel us reconnecting. It was a beautiful moment and one that i will remember for a while. We need more of these moments.
-Master told me last night how She is proud of me for staying calm and level headed (i think those were the words She used) through all of this, especially since i have been off my meds for about a week and a half now. i think this goes back to what i said earlier about having to take care of Her and trying to remember the impermanence stuff. i am proud of myself for not shutting down and resorting to cutting to manage my sadness or getting angry and raging (both of which have crossed my mind). i am trying to stay emotionally stable and keep busy so that i can let time and distance heal my wounds. As a nurse i know that a deep wound must heal from the bottom up, it can't just close over or it will abscess. Healing from an emotional wound is similar, if i try to just seal it over then i could create bigger problems for down the road. i am learning the hard way from being with Kahwaii that i need to deal with my shit as it happens so i can fully devote myself to my present relationship rather than it rearing it's ugly head at a later date.
-i want to turn to our Leather family but i know they have a lot of their own shit to deal with right now and don't want to burden them with more problems. Who does one talk to then? i told my mom and she didn't seem to care all that much. We have a bunch of acquaintances but not a lot of close friends that i would talk to about this shit. We can only afford for me to see my psychologist once a month.
-Last night one of Kahwaii's other subs came to pick up Kahwaii's vape that she left here the day she came over to break up with us. i gave her a can of diet squirt (long story) to give to her in hopes that Kahwaii will realize that we are still thinking about her and miss her terribly.
-Kahwaii was our first and because of that there will always be a special place in my heart for her.
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
Monday, September 5, 2016
It Hurts to Breathe
The last few months have seen us heading into a tail spin within our marriage. We have fought almost continually over everything and nothing. My anxiety has taken up permanent residence it seems and likes to make its presence known day in and day out. There has been a lot of stress and unfortunately we allowed it to effect and pile up on Kahwaii's shoulders. She took on the blame and guilt of our issues when it is not hers to have.
Before we started dating her, she saw our relationship from the outside and what she saw was a great connection, lots of love and happiness (all true). We tried to keep our issues to ourselves as they don't need public airing. Unfortunately, this gave her the impression that the problems she was suddenly seeing were new and only started due to her presence rather than understanding that we let her see us in the raw and the raw isn't always pretty. Our 'perfect marriage' wasn't quite so perfect, however, our foundation is strong. We've let a lot pile up on it though, allowing our problems to weigh us down and feel unstable. We forgot how well we work as a team. We forgot to communicate when issues were just starting.
We have spent the past three weeks basically talking from the time I get home from work until it's time to sleep. We are talking about everything - good, bad and ugly. We are taking an honest look at ourselves, each other and our relationship. Some of it is hard to say, some hard to admit. Who wants to admit that they have made some fundamental mistakes. Which I have made.
I have been trying to keep elle in a good place throughout our relationship because I've wanted to avoid conflict and protect her. I've wanted to ease her internal struggles and her fear of abandonment. I've wanted to keep our life at peace whenever possible. I've done it in the wrong way. I've done it at the sacrifice of myself at times. I've done it and harmed her in the process. This created an environment that harmed Kahwaii as well.
Having BPD leads elle to have swinging emotions and to see the world in black and white. Rage can come on quickly and out of the blue. Instead of facing this head on most of the time, my actions or inactions gave her BPD an environment in which to grow. In essence, by avoiding conflict I only created more. I thought I was protecting elle when in reality I was harming her/us by not giving her the chance to learn to control and cope with the symptoms of BPD. I have claimed to be Master but I have not mastered my urge to 'save' her at all costs.
Kahwaii thinks she is responsible for our conflict; in part she is, but not in the negative way she thinks. Until she entered the picture and I started seeing the effect everything was having on her, I was mostly blind to the effect everything was having on elle and I. Suddenly someone else that I love and also want to protect at all costs, was being harmed by the way I have tried to protect elle. That was a really big mind fuck. It caused elle and I to fight more because I started to panic. I started to see where our life was headed; I started to admit to myself how I have been feeling; I wanted to change everything NOW.
It took a number of months of this, far too many, to get to the point where I was about to implode. I love them both, I want them both, they both add so much to my life, but I felt I was losing both of them and wasn't keeping my head above water anymore. So, just over three weeks back, the three of us got together for a discussion and I said that I wanted to take a short break from actively seeing Kahwaii so elle and I could take some time to focus on our issues, dig into them and get an idea of what we could do to fix things. Believe me, in no way did I actually want this break. Three weeks without seeing or talking to Kahwaii was not going to be easy.
elle and I started talking and talking and talking. We are never going to be perfect and we will continue to fight (hopefully a lot less) but much has been said and agreed upon, changes discussed and it seems we are taking more steps forward than steps back. Things around here feel more positive. After two weeks without Kahwaii we saw her at the bar, spent some time together, and I made a decision that hurt elle and put us back a step. It took a few days but we recovered, talked more and were exited for the third week to end so we could get back to seeing Kahwaii.
Sadly, Kahwaii came to the conclusion that she was doing us harm and could not stay with us only to break us apart. Her feelings are valid because that is truly how she feels, but she is mistaken in thinking she is the cause of our problems. In truth, she has helped our marriage tremendously, she has done amazing things for my confidence and self worth, and she has filled needs for elle that I was doing poorly with.
I have a connection with Kahwaii that I can't explain. elle says that we have intense energy between us and when we are together the rest of the world disappears; I would have to agree to some extent. The scary part of that is when elle has seen this, is when Kahwaii and I have pulled back from each other to try to minimize this effect. I don't want to lose that with her.
I want her to understand she was NEVER the problem and see that when you shake elle and I to the core, our foundation is standing strong. I want her to see that she has opened our eyes and pushed us to face our problems head on because of how they have started affecting those around us. I want her to recognize all the wonderful things she brought to both elle and I and focus on that rather than the negative. I want her to know that we have not stopped missing her, thinking about her or wanting her back. elle and I have work to do and always will, but things are changing. I intend to keep it that way.
Will I have a chance to feel that energy with Kahwaii again? I certainly hope so. I don't feel like our story is over yet. I love both of them with all my heart.
"Maybe it won't work out. But maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever."
We have spent the past three weeks basically talking from the time I get home from work until it's time to sleep. We are talking about everything - good, bad and ugly. We are taking an honest look at ourselves, each other and our relationship. Some of it is hard to say, some hard to admit. Who wants to admit that they have made some fundamental mistakes. Which I have made.
I have been trying to keep elle in a good place throughout our relationship because I've wanted to avoid conflict and protect her. I've wanted to ease her internal struggles and her fear of abandonment. I've wanted to keep our life at peace whenever possible. I've done it in the wrong way. I've done it at the sacrifice of myself at times. I've done it and harmed her in the process. This created an environment that harmed Kahwaii as well.
Having BPD leads elle to have swinging emotions and to see the world in black and white. Rage can come on quickly and out of the blue. Instead of facing this head on most of the time, my actions or inactions gave her BPD an environment in which to grow. In essence, by avoiding conflict I only created more. I thought I was protecting elle when in reality I was harming her/us by not giving her the chance to learn to control and cope with the symptoms of BPD. I have claimed to be Master but I have not mastered my urge to 'save' her at all costs.
Kahwaii thinks she is responsible for our conflict; in part she is, but not in the negative way she thinks. Until she entered the picture and I started seeing the effect everything was having on her, I was mostly blind to the effect everything was having on elle and I. Suddenly someone else that I love and also want to protect at all costs, was being harmed by the way I have tried to protect elle. That was a really big mind fuck. It caused elle and I to fight more because I started to panic. I started to see where our life was headed; I started to admit to myself how I have been feeling; I wanted to change everything NOW.
It took a number of months of this, far too many, to get to the point where I was about to implode. I love them both, I want them both, they both add so much to my life, but I felt I was losing both of them and wasn't keeping my head above water anymore. So, just over three weeks back, the three of us got together for a discussion and I said that I wanted to take a short break from actively seeing Kahwaii so elle and I could take some time to focus on our issues, dig into them and get an idea of what we could do to fix things. Believe me, in no way did I actually want this break. Three weeks without seeing or talking to Kahwaii was not going to be easy.
elle and I started talking and talking and talking. We are never going to be perfect and we will continue to fight (hopefully a lot less) but much has been said and agreed upon, changes discussed and it seems we are taking more steps forward than steps back. Things around here feel more positive. After two weeks without Kahwaii we saw her at the bar, spent some time together, and I made a decision that hurt elle and put us back a step. It took a few days but we recovered, talked more and were exited for the third week to end so we could get back to seeing Kahwaii.
Sadly, Kahwaii came to the conclusion that she was doing us harm and could not stay with us only to break us apart. Her feelings are valid because that is truly how she feels, but she is mistaken in thinking she is the cause of our problems. In truth, she has helped our marriage tremendously, she has done amazing things for my confidence and self worth, and she has filled needs for elle that I was doing poorly with.
I have a connection with Kahwaii that I can't explain. elle says that we have intense energy between us and when we are together the rest of the world disappears; I would have to agree to some extent. The scary part of that is when elle has seen this, is when Kahwaii and I have pulled back from each other to try to minimize this effect. I don't want to lose that with her.
I want her to understand she was NEVER the problem and see that when you shake elle and I to the core, our foundation is standing strong. I want her to see that she has opened our eyes and pushed us to face our problems head on because of how they have started affecting those around us. I want her to recognize all the wonderful things she brought to both elle and I and focus on that rather than the negative. I want her to know that we have not stopped missing her, thinking about her or wanting her back. elle and I have work to do and always will, but things are changing. I intend to keep it that way.
Will I have a chance to feel that energy with Kahwaii again? I certainly hope so. I don't feel like our story is over yet. I love both of them with all my heart.
"Maybe it won't work out. But maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever."
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