No turning back now!

It still baffles me, how we have spent so long trying to get this lifestyle in order and running smoothly with only little successes here and there and big derailments along the way, then suddenly a month ago, it all just clicks, the pieces fall into place and it's as if we have always been like this.  elle has wholeheartedly thrown herself into her submission and everyday improves upon her obedience. She is attentive, relaxed, and eager to do as she is told . She is like a flower that has finally  been planted in fertile soil and each time she serves me she grows and sprouts new buds. She is blossoming the more she sits in submission at my feet. A very big confirmation of this came for me Friday night after one hell of a scene.

We had decided earlier in the week that we were going to have a rough scene Friday evening since there is a chance that within days she could be pregnant and some of our most loved activities will have to be put on hold for quite sometime. Kicking and punching my pregnant wife is definitely not going to happen. So come Friday we talked about what we wanted from the scene and elle did some dinner prep, since after play the last thing that either of us feels like doing is cooking. I rearranged the living room to give us plenty of space, since this scene was going to be intense  and then we got to it.

This scene was built around the idea of her being taken and brought to me, needing to be broken and trained into slavehood so that I could sell her off to someone that would be her Master. She fought back, obviously, and through mental terrorism (convincing her of her utter vulnerability and isolation, playing the nice guy when she did what I ordered, forcing her to beg for more ) physical assault (kicking, hitting with various implements, ripping her clothes off, raping her mouth, caging) and positive reinforcement of slave behaviours (calling her good slave, graduating her from the slave corset into her slave outfit so she wasn’t naked anymore, and rewarding her earnest pleas for more with more) she finally broke. At the end I locked her back in the cage and told her when I came back for her she would be ready to accept her new life as a slave. End of scene.

It was only about two minutes that I left her in there, while I sat down close by to remove my boots. When she started to softly cry I opened the door for her, wanting her to come out so we could snuggle and I could give her some chocolate and love. Her head was definitely still in the scene and it took some time to get her to lay down with her head on her slave pillow, rather than kneel on it as she originally did. We cuddled and slowly she came around. This had all been over a three hour span.

Where I say that confirmation of her submission came was, following all of this it was 9:30 and the pre-play snack we had was long used up. Dinner was prepped but needed cooking and I was not at all keen to do so. When food was mentioned my head was saying "Toast? Ya I could manage to make us some toast" when she said, once she was up she could manage to cook and then off she went and cooked up a delicious meal, while I sat in the living room doing a few things on my phone. I was thrilled. Usually after play she is either very sleepy and out of it(not that I blame her, she takes a lot from me!) that I get food, hence the toast, or she turns bratty as if she is rebelling against having just submitted. Just getting up to make dinner without a word of protest, or even having  me say to do it, showed just how far she has come, how deep she has gotten into her slave mindset.

We talked later, or maybe it was before, and elle said that she feels like she has just been floating on a cloud for the past month. I would have to agree. Not just for her but for myself as well. I feel like I have finally grabbed a hold of what dominance means to me. Not what I have read of others and tried to measure myself against, but of what I can envision this life looking like for us in the long run and where my niceness can live in unison with my dominance. I don’t have to be a cold, hard ass domme to make this work but I'm not just a passive domme either. I could definitely get used to this!

I must say that was probably the best scene that we have had. Maybe at some point I will actually write out all that took place, it would make a pretty hot story for you I'm sure, but for now you will just have live with the morsel I put in this post. Gotta keep you coming back for more!

Our newest rules have now been posted.

Ready, Set, Go!

Ok. Let's get one thing straight. I don't want this blog to turn into a mommy blog. But we are trying to have a baby. Having a baby for any couple is a big deal. Now add the fact that we are a same sex couple that are also in a power exchange relationship to all of the "vanilla" worries and the situation gets much more involved. Trying to get pregnant and having a baby are big events going on, they are going to influence and be influenced by the uniqueness our situation. It is going to inevitably become the topic of some blog posts, when it is relevant to our M/s.

The "active" phase of baby making started a few days ago with me taking a medication that will help increases the chance of me ovulating more. I had been warned that I could have side effects that are kind of PMS and menopause at the same time, hello emotional roller-coaster!, plus other more physical side effects. But for me the worry was (and still is) that this medication will fuck me up and send me on a downward spiral again. So far so good, actually the opposite almost. This morning while texting with Sir, I was overwhelmed with my love and desire to serve Her, in the good kind of way. That same feeling of peace that I have talked about before. I'm thinking it's a subspace kind of thing but quite in the same way as when we play.

I'm going on record right now, fertility treatment is not romantic! All of the tests that I've done, the surgery that I had and problems related to that, the clinic and counselling appointments, the pills, the paperwork, all of it is not hot! I wish that we could have gotten pregnant "the old fashioned" way even though I know that was never an option. A night of passion... and poof! A baby! 

Last night was, in my opinion, one of the hottest moments that Lee and I have had in our whole baby making journey. Lee was getting my pills out for me last night. I took my regular ones but when She got to my fertility ones I knelt down in front of Her. She had me say my mantra before putting the pills in my mouth. It may not seem like much to some but that is one of the first things that we have been able to do as a couple other than signing consent forms and going to counselling. The first private thing. To be able to have a moment, just a moment, where this very medicalized process could be private and romantic was so wonderful. Reflecting on that moment right now is bringing tears to my eyes. Lee told me that She also enjoyed it. I have to work this evening so Lee will be in bed asleep when I get home so we won't get the chance to do that again tonight but I hope that we will be able to resume it Thursday night.

Well, that's all I have time for. Even though I didn't really end up writing much about the topic I had planned on focusing on I've got stuff to do before I go to work so I've got to do that. 

Work in Progress

I have been instructed to write this post.... I don't really have much to say on any particular topic... Lee suggested I write about what I think is bringing out my slavery more and how it feels to be in that mindset more. So I guess that's where I'll start. 

What is making it "easier" to be Lee's slave lately? To be honest, I don't really have an easy answer to that question. It definitely makes it easier when Lee is being more dominant. 

I think having other people that are in PE relationships around us has been a huge influence on why it's been easier for me to submit. Here's the deal. Up until recently Lee and I haven't had anyone who we have been close to that are also in a power exchange based relationship. We have met some amazing people thanks our local MAsT group. And because of MAsT and the people we have met through it, we have been so much more immersed in M/s. We have more frequent external.... reminders.... encouragement...reinforcement? i can't think of the right words to describe what I am thinking.  

You know how you tidy up the house a bit extra when you're having special company or when you're at a fancy restaurant you use better table manners? It's the same kind of thing. When we are with other M/s people, and to a lesser extent kinksters, I have found that we naturally use a slightly higher protocol. Plus, it's not like we can carry out some of our rules/protocols in front of just anybody. Getting down on my knees in front of Lee when it's just the two of us doesn't feel quite as exposing as when there are other people around. I don't know, am I alone on this or do other people feel like this too? Maybe it's because it's a rather new phenomenon for us?

So I think I covered the why part, so, I guess it's on to how does it make me feel. Well, I have talked about my struggle with mental health problems before but I don't think I have much recently. In the months leading up to now I have been getting more and more depressed (fairly seriously at times). I have been scared, no terrified, of the though of having a baby. I have been worried that if there are any complications with getting or staying pregnant that it will have serious negative consequences on me, which would obviously mean problems between Lee and I. Lee had even made an appointment with the doctor for me to talk about adjusting my meds. But I have been feeling so much better that She agreed to let me pause that talk. I feel more at peace right now than I have for a while. I feel like being Lee's slave has righted something in my head. Serving Her brings my mind and body a feeling of peace that I have never had before. 

Last night we had to go shopping after work. When we got home we were both tired. Luckily dinner was easy to make so Lee said She would do it. She told me to do the dishes. I wined that I was too tired and just wanted to go sit down. There weren't that many and they could wait till today was my thinking. Lee allowed me to get off with getting the coffee maker set for the morning for Her. While I did that She got dinner started. When She came back in from the bbq and I had started the dishes. She asked me why. I said that I had told myself that if there were few enough dishes to not worry about then it wouldn't take much to wash them and that since She had told me to do something, I should do it. I read on the Submissive Guide a bit ago something about obedience and how delayed obedience is still disobedience and partial obedience is complete disobedience. I have been thinking of that quite a bit lately and trying to work towards the goal of being more obedient cause I think there are times when I do fall into the delayed or partial obedience. I think that I'm doing better. Yes last night I delayed carrying out Lee's order, but I did end up doing it. It is a ongoing struggle, to be a better me, a better slave for my Sir. I am a work in progress.