Obedience

“Obedience is a form of social influence where an individual acts in response to a direct order from another individual, who is usually an authority figure. It is assumed that without such an order the person would not have acted in this way. Obedience occurs when you are told to do something (authority), whereas conformity happens through social pressure (the norms of the majority). Obedience involves a hierarchy of power / status. Therefore, the person giving the order has a higher status than the person receiving the order.” (copied from simplypsychology.org/obedience.html)

Obedience in a M/s context means that the slave is consciously choosing to submit his/her mind and body to the will of their Master, their rules, rituals and protocols. For most slaves this is a learned behavior that must be practiced and slowly expanded upon. For me it most certainly has been learned. It’s something that i have been working on it since we started down this path over six years ago. i have been, up till now, very strong willed and can be disobedient at times if I'm not in the right headspace. Obedience has to become a state of being almost, a complete acquiescence to the slave’s chosen authority figure, in my case, to Master. It is usually a foundational ingredient in most M/s relationships, whether casual or 24/7 or anywhere in between. It’s one of those relationship make it or break it kind of tenants in my relationship with Master. Declaring my obedience to Her is part of the mantra that i say.

For a Power Exchange to work smoothly the slave must be obedient. This way the Master knows what kind of reaction to expect. It can make the difference between a successful and unsuccessful M/s relationship. In a TPE the Master should be able to expect that what He/She says will be followed with a minimum of questioning.

No slave can be 100% obedient all the time. i struggle with my obedience at times. It can be very challenging mentally to obey sometimes, especially when i strongly disagree.

At the core of obedience is respect and humility. Respect for your Master and your dynamic. Respect for the trust that you have placed in your Master. And humility in that you need to remember your place in your relationship as slave.

How do you demonstrate your obedience, beyond just following their rules?

-Pay close attention to your Master, especially when around others. Stop what you are doing and look at them while they are speaking. Making eye contact is also a good way to show you are paying attention. This makes them feel special, respected, appreciated, honoured, and proud of their slave.

-Don’t roll your eyes or back talk when they ask you to do something. This is just passive aggressive behavior and will generally not get you the desired outcome. If you have them, present your opposing viewpoint (if you’re allowed to do so) politely and in keeping with your dynamic. Being obedient doesn’t mean that you will always agree with your Master but it does mean that you may not have the final decision. Also remember to try to pick a good time and place for you to share your disagreement.

-Be polite all the time. Ask for their permission for things and use your please and thank you’s.

-Do things the first time you are asked, the way you were asked. Don’t make your Master have to ask you a second time and do exactly what they have asked of you and nothing less. Delaying something that your Master has asked of you is like saying that whatever you are doing is more important than what they asked you to do. It is frustrating and annoying to your Master and makes them feel unimportant and possibly taken for granted i once heard a saying that goes something like delayed obedience becomes immediate disobedience; partial obedience is complete disobedience.

-Do things that they haven’t asked that you know they like. i like to ask Master if She needs anything when i am up so i can get/do something for Her.

-If you disagree with your Master, consider the reasons that they have told you to do something/denied you something/etc. before getting upset.

Now for my personal experience. Part of the reason that i chose to “research” this topic was because Master and i have agreed that we need to be working on our relationship more actively and this was one of the areas that we thought i needed to work on to improve our M/s. i’d say that my biggest challenge is not so much with not responding immediately to orders, but with begrudging Master for making me do something that i’m not wanting to do at the moment. This comes out in poor attitude and slower service. Some Masters say that they don’t care about whether the slave is enjoying the ordered task as long as they do it but i think that to put your whole heart into it means that you are happily providing the requested service. i believe that part of my problem comes from my mental illness. i have very black and white thinking so i either love or hate something so if i’m asked to do something that i don’t like i have a hard time forcing myself to enjoy it to put all of myself into the ordered task. i am also forgetful and a bit absent minded at times; i forget what exactly Master told me to do or to perform a ritualized order. So what am i doing to correct my problems with obedience? Well, first of all i am writing this blog which forced me to take a look at my own obedience and decided that obedience will be the topic for discussion at the next submissives group get together. So i am gathering ideas on how to be more obedient and seeking support. i have also made a commitment to myself to be more immediately obedient and try to serve Master more happily in remembering that making Her happy makes me happy. i have also decided that i need to work on getting my borderline personality disorder under better control and need to brush up on my mindfulness skills. In choosing to obey i am setting myself free of the constraints of having to make choices for myself and us.

Through my travels on the interwebs i found this little quote that i will leave you with: “They may not always be right but they will always be Master.”

What's in a Name?

I was reminded earlier this week as to why my mother and I have a very superficial relationship and why I don't tell her anything. She came in for her annual visit and I knew leading up to this week that I was going to tell her about Kawhaii and that I go by Lee. I wish I had done neither. 

The second day she was here, she and I went out taking pictures while elle was at work. All day I was trying to push myself to say that I wanted to talk to her. I couldn't do it. I was worried over her reaction and just couldn't get the words out. At dinner, I continued trying and elle finally leaned over and said that I needed to do it. With a deep breath, I spat it out. I had a few things to tell her that weren't really phone conversations.

I told her first that we have a girlfriend. She was rather taken aback and didn't understand why or how. I explained a little bit and I could see in her face she didn't approve but was able to say something to the effect of if that's our preference then hopefully our marriage is strong enough to handle a third. 

She asked what else I had to tell her and I said that elle and our friends call me Lee. She was immediately upset, eyes welling with tears, looking away from me, and not saying anything. I moved over to sit beside her and asked what she was thinking. She said that I will always be Kim to her, I told her I wasn't asking her to change that; she said that she felt rejected because she gave me my name (had she said we, as in her and my dad that died 32 years ago, I may have felt guilt rather than anger), I told her this is still part of my name (Kimberlee) it's just more neutral and I feel more comfortable with it; she said that she knows I'm a good person and don't mean to hurt anyone, but she still feels rejected, I just bit my tongue, let a few tears fall before I could swallow my feelings and fought very hard to stay in my seat. I was so close to telling elle that I was sorry but I had to leave. The only reason I didn't was because I wasn't going to leave elle alone with my crying mother and make her deal with it.

That was all that was said and I'm sure all that will ever be said. Lee will never exist to her and I will have a stroke if she ever asks about Kawhaii. The rest of that night and the following days, it was as if that conversation never happened. I've been switching between anger, hurt, rejection, and resignation since then but buried all of it because I just couldn't deal with it while she was here. elle asked if I wanted to talk about it that night, but I told her no I needed to stay angry so I could keep it in better. That's the second time she has rejected me for finally telling her the truth of who I am - first she told me it was like I had died when I came out as gay and now because I 'reject' her name she rejects my identity. 

I am very good at keeping thoughts and feelings to myself (right girls?) because it is a lot harder for someone to discard me for being who I am if they don't know me. 

Right now I just what to surround myself with the people that love me for who I am...unfortunately I can't do much of that. elle has been great of course and understands my hurt. Last week though, I made the decision that elle and I needed to take a three week break from contacting Kawhaii in order to focus on trying to figure out where our issues are coming from and make a plan to fix things. I wanted to be in both their arms, feeling love from both of them, and I couldn't even tell Kawhaii what was going on let alone see her. 

We did see her at an event last night and so I filled her in. It wasn't a great place for talking though so not much was able to be said. It's really hard not talking to her or seeing her, though I stand by my decision and reason behind it. I miss her a lot, and I'm sure that will increase with mom gone and knowing that we could be seeing her. I feel like I'm missing part of me and worry that she'll realize the opposite. We bring a lot of stress into her life; maybe she will be happier to have that gone how ever much great feelings are involved.

elle and I are struggling with our relationship and I'm scared to think what will happen if we don't get things straightened out. I'm not going to get into our issues and still need to do some soul searching to really get down to what the problems are, but I am really hoping that with a few weeks of a bit more time together we can at least open up better communication and see more clearly what we can do to move forward. I have not taken the break from Kawhaii because I feel she is causing the issues, not in the least, but just as a way to make us focus more on the two of us and making us strong again without dragging Kawhaii into the stress of it. Two more weeks.   

On Shaky Ground

Things haven't been going so great lately. Our relationship between Master and i as well as with Kahwaii has taken a few major hits lately and we are all suffering because of them. Master has a few ideas on how She wants to fix them. One of the ideas i disagree with and the other i agree with but am embarrassed by it. i'm not going to share them until after we have a chance to talk to Kahwaii about them, which we are planning on doing this evening.

In my opinion, it was all starting to brew just below the surface for a while before we went to Kahwaii's cabin at the beginning of last month but things happened while we were there that i believe never got fully resolved which compounded the earlier problems and they've all been escalating ever since. The security of our relationship feels like it is resting on a very thin line.

my jealousy over the connection that Master and Kahwaii have is my biggest problem i believe. i'm not sure why i am jealous now because in the beginning i was not at all jealous. In fact, it was quite the opposite, i craved to see them develop a bond together and i was concerned that Master would have a hard time seeing me with someone else. i don't know what made the switch flip. i think it's because Kahwaii and i don't connect the same way that she does with Master. We connect sexually but because of the nature of our relationship we have sex very infrequently. i really wish that it was more often because i feel so much closer to her afterwards, even if its not sex per say even when she and i make out and definitely after she has beat on me.

i have been having some fairly wild emotional mood swings and have been changing my opinion/view on topics (because of the swinging emotions) a lot lately. My BPD (borderline personality disorder) seems to be rearing it's ugly head more as of late. This morning i even suggested that i try re-upping my one medication that we had reduced a few months ago to see if that will help. Master and i even briefly talked about going to talk to someone together but we decided that we don't feel like teaching someone about our style of relationship and even then the person may not understand enough to be effective in helping us navigate some fairly unique relationship problems. And since i already have more than maxed out my portion of my insurance coverage for psych we cant really afford it anyways. So we are going to try to work things out on our own.

What do we need to work on exactly? i need to work on being more obedient and less headstrong. i am a very strong willed person and when i believe in something i will fight for it tooth and nail. i also need to work on getting my BPD under control again and try to see the grey areas in between the black and white that i tend to see. For example, to me, you either love or hate, nothing more, nothing less, simple as that. My mental health being unstable creates and exacerbates so many problems. i believe it is at the root of my jealousy issues and if i can figure out just what would be causing it maybe i can work with my psychologist to correct it. In my opinion Master needs to work on Her consistency with enforcing the rules and slowly but steadily upping Her authority in more and more of my life.

Life is about to get busy. Next week Master's Mom will be here for 5 days plus one of my stepsisters is getting married just after Mom leaves. As well, i have just started a new casual job, i haven't even had my first shift yet but once i do i imagine i will get a bit busier with that too. i'm not sure when Master and i are going to find time to work on our relationship but we need to make it a priority, much more so than we have been in the last while.

A Storm is Brewing

It has been quite a while since I have said anything here, but not for lack of things to talk about. I have stared at the blank screen on a number of occasions and have second guessed writing about any of the topics or feelings that have come to mind, but here goes...
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Life is complicated. We have run up against a number of difficult issues over the past few months and haven't really come up with any easy fixes yet. About a month ago, the three of us went to Kahwaii's parent's cabin on the lake. It was wonderful being out there with boat access only, one neighbor in the bay, and very little for modern convenience. I could really easily just live in a place like that. I was really looking forward to three days with just my girls and getting some extended time with Kahwaii without anyone having to go home at the end of the night.

We had some fantastic moments out there - we took advantage of the lack of people and had an incredible outdoor humiliation scene followed up by really hot sex and a chance to cuck elle. Sitting on the dock, watching the sun set over the water was beautiful, though it made me a bit homesick for Victoria. We snuggled on the couch in front of the fire and simply seeing Kahwaii each day made me very happy.

Unfortunately, shit hit the fan a couple of times and a decent amount of our time was spent trying to figure out hurt feelings and upset emotions. See, Kahwaii and I have a very good connection and apparently our energy is rather overpowering. We think we are being inclusive and tell elle she is always welcome to join conversations and such, but due to our connection I guess we look involved in private moments that aren't inviting. elle felt excluded and hurt by this.

The second night in, after the humiliation and cucking, I tucked elle into bed because she was falling asleep. As I did so, she encouraged me to tell Kahwaii that I love her (I confessed this to elle quite awhile ago). I did and Kahwaii said it back. It was great being able to say it to her with elle's encouragement...until things went sideways. Turns out, elle encouraged me because she knew I wanted to tell Kahwaii and thought that was what I wanted to hear. I did want her support, but I wanted it truthfully. It hurts elle to know I am loved back and this has brought out a fair bit of jealousy that she's having a hard time overcoming. We've realized that she was probably having sub drop and the emotional hurt was bigger because of it, but it's still there.

elle and Kahwaii have some difficulty connecting and their relationship label has changed a few times making emotions run like a rollercoaster. It's hard on both of them trying to figure out feelings and how best to improve their relationship and D/s dynamic. I feel very guilty to be so happy with where Kahwaii and I are at because it hurts elle; I am scared I will lose Kahwaii if they aren't able to connect more; I miss Kahwaii as soon as we are apart and always look forward to when I can see her again. The more time I spend with Kahwaii the harder I fall for her and the bigger my heart will break if it ends. I don't want this to hurt anyone but I don't want to pull back to try to keep that from happening either.

Since coming home from the cabin there has been ongoing jealousy. elle is having a hard time with Kahwaii and I saying I love you (even privately) and for a while had asked if we would refrain. It was very difficult not saying it when we'd finally started to and it felt unfair that we were stopping because the feelings weren't the same between elle and Kahwaii. They are separate relationships that grow differently and it felt like a punishment because ours grew closer faster. Alone time with Kahwaii was also nonexistent since then.

elle wants to be ok with everything and gets mad at herself for not being so. I can understand her side and don't want to hurt her but at the same time I need to be able to throw myself into this relationship with Kahwaii as well to be fair to what we have. We tried to deny it, but we knew from the start feelings were going to happen. We are not primaries but the feelings are no less valid or important. Same with the feelings between elle and Kahwaii. No one is expendable.

This past weekend was a kinky camping event with 80+ people. It was our second time going, and the place where Kahwaii's interest in us started showing last year. It was pretty awesome being there this year and not just watching her from a distance (I think I've already mentioned that I had quite a crush on her from early on in meeting her). Last year secret crush, this year in love.

Things weren't all great though. More or less the same emotions were coming out. At one point I took elle aside because I was getting really upset over the double standard that I felt was happening between what was ok to happen between her and Kahwaii compared to myself and Kahwaii. I've been getting very frustrated by this and pull back from Kahwaii each time the three of us are together in order to not upset elle, that hasn't really been making it better for anyone though.

I don't know how to help them learn each other's language so they can communicate better. I've tried 'translating' for them but I'm worried it's not enough. What I worry is that they are too different everywhere except in their individual levels of dominance in which I think they could be on par if elle was on the top side. It leads to head butting as an unconscious struggle for power. The dynamic is Kahwaii dominant and elle submissive, but I think her brain tells her to push back because it feels there is a chance to gain control. elle can submit to J because he is more dominant and she won't get the control - he intimidates her; she can submit to me because if she doesn't it would royally fuck our shit up; she has a hard time fully submitting to Kahwaii because if she fights enough maybe she can wrest the control away. I'm not saying this is through conscious choice at all, and I know elle doesn't see where she is doing said pushing back, but it is there and I believe is a big reason they have a more difficult time connecting.

(I wrote this a few weeks ago and was going to add more, but am leaving it at this to move on to more recent events.)