30 Days of Kink Days 1 & 2 Take Two

We have been quite busy lately, with what I don't know but somehow it is already the end of February, and our writing has gotten a bit behind. I hope to be changing that and getting us onto a somewhat regular schedule. I'm not really going to give any kind of update today though, but will shortly. For now, we have decided to work through the 30 days of kink questions and will be posting our answers together. elle started answering these questions a few years back so it will be interesting to see what kind of changes we will see. You can find her original thirteen in the archives.

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch?  What parts of BDSM interest you?  Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

Lee - I am a Master in a power exchange marriage. I have been slow to find my place as a Master because, unlike most in this lifestyle, I don't feel this was the 'role' I was born into. I have a pretty easy going to the point of passive personality which is quite in conflict with our dynamic. However, we could not live any other way. I've had a tendency to let people wipe their shoes on my back and have felt very unappreciated and used because of it. Neither of us wanted that in our relationship. I needed to take the control and be able to say 'no', to have elle show her devotion to me through submission and service, and to grow into a stronger person. Living 24/7 M/s has made me feel more appreciated and cared for then I ever have before. elle is my most prized possession.

I am also a Daddy. It is in our Daddy/girl times that I take much more direct care of my girl, where I can dote on her and make her feel extra special...and sometimes I violate her innocence. Having a Daddy side helps balance our dynamic in that it gives us some time to interact on a very casual level. The power exchange is always there but elle serves in a more helping Daddy out kind of way rather than through orders and rules - even if she is doing the same thing.

elle - I am an owned slave, property. More accurately, I am 24/7 live-in slave married to my Master. M/s and power exchange is how Lee and I live our lives together and the guiding principle of our relationship. I have surrendered myself to Master and thrive in being of service to Her. My day-to-day life is also influenced by our M/s dynamic, for example, I ask Lee before accepting extra shifts at work. In all things I do, I am her slave first and foremost.

I also have a little side, though I don’t really consider myself to be a little per se. I don’t have an exact age as a little, I find that my “little age” seems to fluctuate depending on the situation. Although in the beginning our Daddy/girl dynamic was nonsexual, it has changed over time and now we do incorporate age play in our sex on occasion.

Day 2: List your kinks.

elle - For us kink is how we play. So my answer will be based upon that. When it comes to play, I'd say that my main kink is pain. I’m a masochist; I love rough body play (especially when I get to fight back) and heavy impact stuff. Pretty much anything that’s going to leave me with deep purple bruises when we’re finished is right up my alley.

I enjoy many other activities though - sexual use/ownership including forced sex or rape play and orgasm restrictions, choking and breath play, psychological play (either mindfucks or humiliation), bondage and/or restraint.

My all-time favourite toys are Lee’s hands, fists, boots and voice.

Lee - Defining my kinks is a bit hard. I love making elle moan, scream, cringe and whimper, however that may be accomplished. Quite often that is done through rough body play (punching, kicking, slapping) which is my favorite activity. There is a lot of power behind pulling back and kicking your slave as she lay on the floor. It's intoxicating. I have a sadistic streak and love giving elle pain and really enjoy the day or two following when bruises are fresh on her arms and I can give her a tight hug and kiss while hurting her at the same time. I love having physical struggles with her and overpowering her; the more she fights back the more I can get out of my head and into the moment. Rape play or CNC is wonderful. Bondage and breath play. Humiliation play such using the ball gag to make her drool and derogatory name calling and making her admit to being or liking such things is really fun, as is making her beg for something she starts off saying she doesn't like or want. Just to name a few.

Check back soon for more answers.

Hello Again! Maybe Baby?!?

I had a choice. Once upon a time I had a choice. Now I don’t, I don’t have any say at all in fact. And that’s the way She and I both want it.

Here’s some background info that will help clear things up. Lee and I have been in the process of jumping through all of the hoops of trying to have a baby! It all started officially last spring with a visit to our doctor for a referral to a fertility clinic since we can’t do things the old fashioned way. Since then we (well, mostly me since I will be carrying out baby) have had to have a variety of tests and I had minor surgery but we have finally have gotten to the point where we are ready to order our donor sperm and start actively trying.

Now, back to the topic at hand, my lack of choice. In the beginning of the baby process it was assumed that we would choose a donor together. After the first time we looked we decided that I wasn’t going to be involved in the initial selection. To me it didn’t matter. The way I explain it to friends and family is like this: when you are choosing a mating partner you don’t choose someone that has the qualities that you want your future children to have. So it really doesn’t matter, to me, what colour hair the person has, what they do for a living or anything else. But it does to Lee. She had read a book of short stories, one of which talked about the “other mother” choosing the donor. So we decided we would do that too, Lee would narrow it down to a few choices and we would pick one from those together. This was the plan for many months until recently when I asked Her to take away that choice.

More background info. Lee and I have been really focusing on getting our D/s running more smoothly lately. Since moving we have had a lot of good intentions and a few good attempts but for one reason or another we always “fell off the bandwagon". Lately we have been going well. Also, we have come to the realization that we feel more closely relating to the Daddy/girl labels than Domme/sub one. I almost exclusively call Lee Daddy in private and at kink-friendly events so I am going to use that here instead of Madam, which we have all but abandoned (we have talked about trying out Sir for more formal and /or play situations).

In our relationship, Lee owns me entirely. She is not required to, but often does, consult me about what is done with Her property, anything from my body or our home. I trust Her to make safe, sound choices for us and i have chosen to follow Her. So because of our renewed effort in our D/s I have had a substantial increase in my feelings of submission (obviously!).

And back to the main event again. I imagine that is what spurred my decision to give over the donor choice entirely to Daddy about two weeks ago. I had thought about it for days and the more I thought about it, the more I thought it showed my commitment to our dynamic and relationship.

Telling Lee that I didn’t want to be involved in choosing the donor has been a source of a huge emotional conflict for me though. When I told Her that I felt very submissive giving up this choice She told me that, for Her, it had nothing to do with ownership. For Lee, having exclusive choice of the donor was more about contributing what She could to the making of our baby. Hearing Her say that took away the feeling of being owned immediately. It was so devastating to hear Her say that. For the past few days I had been walking around in a bubble of submission and service to Lee and that bubble popped. One cannot be owned without someone owning them, right? Daddy wasn’t claiming ownership over my body and reproductive rights so that means I still have control over it? I can still say no to whomever She chooses? I struggled with feeling like I had just been abandoned.  During that time I felt very unsure of how I was going to be able to fully submit to someone who I felt like didn’t want total control of my body. We played and during that scene Lee landed a pretty hard boot kick in a not nice hurt kind of way. The next day I had a huge black/purple bruise, and I don’t bruise easily. Daddy was so excited that She had finally marked me but at the same time sad that she wouldn’t be able to reproduce it since it was a bad hurt. I didn’t think much of it and we went about our day. I can’t remember exactly how long after (the next evening maybe?) She was admiring it again. I, out of nowhere, blurted out that I would let Her do it again any time to see that look on Her face. At that exact moment I had that same owned feeling wash over me again. I am coming to the realization that I am the kind of submissive that really requires the “active” Dominant type. I have known that I need it but I am realizing that I really function best as a submissive/slave when Daddy’s presence is felt strongly in my soul. Again after the pain realization I was in my submissive bubble as I am now coming to understand it as.

On a semi-related topic, we have been to two meetings of the local MAsT group. Which is nice because we have both been feeling isolated and I think we might be able to make some good friends through this group.

Yes I know I ignored the fact that it's been months since either one of us have posted anything. I hope to get back into writing here on our little blog, though I’m sure there is nobody actually reading this, it helps to write out my thoughts and organize them into something semi-coherent.

It's been how long!?

So it's been a year and a half since our last post, but I'm basically going to just pretend it was yesterday and just jump right back into the thick of it and hope some fine folks are still interested in reading:)

Since moving here our Ds has gone through many ups and downs. We were on a downwards slope leading up to moving and since getting here we haven't been able to really find our stride for more than a short stint at a time. I know we have both gone through times where we aren't really feeling it for ourselves and need the other to pick up the slack first, but it's kind of the chicken and the egg dilemma. I do better at Domming when elle is already in that slave frame of mind, and she can get there easier when I am showing My control over her. Yes as "The Domme" I guess it is up to Me, I am in charge after all, but is it totally weak Domme behaviour to ask her to help Me (us) get there? Probably. Though I have never fit the combat boots or stillettos of born-to-be Dommes so I guess I should just stick to My own comfy shoes instead.

Two weekends ago we had a great scene where I kicked her for the first time with My (combat, lol) boots on. It was great on both ends. She drifted away for a while which I haven't managed to get her to do in quite some time and she even asked if I might give her a repeat the next night because it was so good for her...I did. It was a fantastic three days and for a few days following she stayed more in her submissive mind frame. We are on a bit of an upswing at the moment where we find it easier to continue at least the smaller aspects of the dynamic and rules.

What makes it harder to continue and built upon this is a) Me being tired a good lot of the time even with sleeping pills b) a few days here and there of conflicting work schedules where we don't even see each other for a few days and c) unexpected moods that make it harder to judge how and where to assert Myself. Lately I have been more Daddy than Madam and we both feel that Madam just really doesn't suit our dynamic. I'm more of a sweet Daddy that makes her little girl feel better, a naughty Daddy that make her little girl feel better wink, wink, nudge, nudge, and a Daddy Domme or Lee that kicks, punches and slaps, ect, her slave. I have to figure out how to be a Daddy Domme in a non-physical way to bring that control into our daily lives and leave sweet and naughty to more specific occasions. I think I will shortly be changing My name on fetlife from MadamLee to something more fitting. 

elle is now on her third of four evening shifts. Two where okay because they were on the weekend so we get the morning together as I'm off, but now I wont see her again until Wednesday after I'm off work. I do like My alone time as I'm sure she likes hers too, but I always feel after that I put even more pressure on Myself to step up to make up for the missed few days which usually means of course it doesn't happen and I beat Myself up more and then I go into more of a self loathing spiral for once again failing. This dynamic would flow a lot easier if we could both manage to take the pressure off ourselves and afforded ourselves the room to fumble. Maybe we will learn that in the years to come.

Anyway, before I started writing this, I read back through a number of the more recent posts that we had and I feel a bit more of a renewed belief that we did this fairy well before and we can again and I realized I really need to get back to writing as well because I really enjoyed working on the story I put a brief excerpt from in here. 

Well, not really anything juicy to this post, but I plan to update frequently and to have elle doing so as well. Come on back soon and I'll try to make it more worth your while;) Perhaps I will give elle some new writing assignments too.  

Reconnection

So in My last post I talked about how it has been a bit of a struggle to feel like a Domme while doing the chores, but that I am coming around to seeing in from the D perspective. Well there was a small moment this weekend that had Me silently bursting with pride at a comment My slave made. It has been hard for her to have Me doing the chores as well and there have been times when she jokingly has said that maybe I should be the slave and other times when she sadly has said that I am better at this then she was:( This weekend, however, when she saw that I had made the bed while she was brushing her teeth she looked at Me and in that little girl voice she gets she said, "You're being such a good Daddy." It was wonderful to hear that from her!

Yesterday was the second anniversary of our first date and Wednesday is the six month anniversary of our wedding day. I love you so much My wife, My slave, My little girl.

Lately, we have been sorely lacking in playtime, but yesterday we finally played...twice...and both times were amazing. How have I allowed us to go so long without that connection for us?! The first scene was about pain and power, slave needed to feel it and I needed to give it with force. The second time was about depriving elle of her senses and all sense of control to make her feel and focus on just her body and her complete surrender to My will. We both agreed it was one of our favorite scenes. Though My girl is at work right now, I feel such a stronger connection to her than I have in the last little while. Scenes aren't just about what is being done and felt in the moment for us, they reconnect us, strengthen our bond and make the rest of life seem much more balanced.

I really must stay on top of us playing more even if that means adding it to the schedule of things to do...wash dishes, check; clean cat boxes, check; beat wife, check:) What kinky person wouldn't want that as part of their "chore" list, lol.

The cat is staring at Me and I can't think of a title

Well this is a little late in coming but Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! This post shall be the first in a much more frequently updated blog...I have My fingers crossed this time so it must be true.

The beginning of this year saw a relatively big change to My and slave elle's life. I have not worked a single day this year yet, nor will I until April. Long story short, My boss is a two faced bitch and due to her out-of-the-blue job threatening actions towards Me, I have gone on a three month stress leave. Thank goodness I will have employment insurance money coming in, but My job now until April 1 is as home. elle works four afternoons a week and extra shifts now and then so it has become My responsibility to take care of all the chores including making her lunch. It's rather a shift for us and I do definitely at times feel like our D/s roles have changed.

I am not the kind of Domme that can sit at home and do My own thing all day while My slave is off at work, and then expect her to pick up the house when she gets home at midnight. It is, however, hard to stay in any kind of Domme mind frame when checking off completed chores on the chore sheet and trying to plan dinner so My slave has a good meal to take for work the next day.

I am slowly working this into a D/s feel again in My head. As I see it, My slave is going out to do the hard work so I don't have to. I am learning how all these chores are done and how I want them done so I can better train her to do them when I am working again. I know how long chores take now so I can much better plan her days later on. I am controlling her food intake. I have been carrying her bank card for the last week or two and this morning I gave her, her allowance that she may spend on coffees or a snack, but otherwise doesn't have access to money outside of her cab fair and emergencies. I am reading up on BDSM which thus far had not taken much time to do and getting ideas...watch out girl! I am this week working on a set of simple rules/routines that we can easily follow these few months to try to up the D/s feel. Our dynamic has been a work in progress since we started and I sometimes feel there is no progress, but I think with this time off I can figure a few things out that will hopefully make it a bit easier even once I am back to work.

A while back in a post, elle alluded to there being a certain interest of hers that she wasn't yet ready to mention on here. Well we have been happily playing around with this interest since then and I am very much enjoying this added aspect to our dynamic. We are now Domme and slave, with a side of Daddy and little girl. It's fun! I think it has taken some pressure off as well. There is just a different feel to our connection when we are Daddy/lg that makes Me feel more complete in our dynamic and when she quietly say "Daddy, I love you" and cuddles in closer, I just feel all warm and gooey inside...and rather damp in certain areas as well!