On Being Pushed

On Sunday Master and I had a bit of a higher protocol day. We started off with me making a delicious breakfast of herb and garlic cheese omelets topped with a caramelized onion and bacon jam served with yummy multigrain toast and homemade pureed strawberry jam. It was so good! I don’t usually think that what i cook is that wonderful but this time i will fully admit that i hit it out of the park.

After letting our food digest for a while we headed into the bathroom for a shower. Master often pees on me as a way to mark Her property and Sunday was no different, other than when She was finished She had me “clean Her up” with my mouth.  This was hard for me, quite hard. There have been times before that when She is peeing on me that some has gotten on my face and mouth and She has ordered me to open my mouth to passively let some into my mouth if it happens but never has Master deliberately made me ingest Her pee. I was worried that Master would think i’m dirty and wouldn’t want to kiss me anymore if i obeyed. I didn’t want Her to think i was dirty (in a bad way!)I was also having a hard time with getting over the ick factor. I struggled with the order for what felt like an eternity before obeying. I still didn’t know for sure that i wanted to but Master told me to do it so i did and hoped for the best.  Afterward, we talked about it and i said to Master that I can tell by Her reaction that She will be pushing that boundary in the coming months. She didn’t come right out and agree but i think the possibility is very much on the table. I’m not 100% sure how i feel about the idea of having Her pee in my mouth or even further and have to drink it (like She mentioned reading about last week, which i personally think was Her way of testing my reaction for this most recent event as well as the future).   I’m still worried about Her thinking i am disgusting, i’m worried that i will think i’m disgusting for that matter. Though I am curious about Her peeing while i’m going down on Her. Even as I write this i am slightly concerned that friends and others that read this will now find me repulsive, i know that the BDSM community can be very split when it comes to the more fringe kinks.

After the shower I had some time to dry off and make myself presentable. The next thing that Master pushed me with was putting me in the cage and barricading me in. For those of you who don’t know, last year we bought a large dog kennel for the joint purpose of using it for me and for our cats when necessary (we occasionally have to segregate one- like when we first got our newest addition or if one of them is sick, etc.). It is a wire crate about 1.25m tall and long by about 1m wide. We keep it in the corner of our living room and use it as a side table of sorts when not being used for its intended purpose. I have spent the in it once before, although only for approx. 4 hrs, and have spent quiet time in it. I have never been locked in or had it covered while in it, both of which Master did (well, it wasn’t locked but She put an armchair, which She proceeded to sit in, in front of the door). For a long time- it felt like an eternity-i stared at the door. My mind kept rolling over the idea that i was physically caged, that my freedom had been taken from me. That is something that i struggle with in my day to day life. When things get hard my first reaction is flight. If Lee and I ever have a disagreement my first instinct is to try to run away and/or push Her away, which happened not that long ago. She knows that, which is why She made the rule that I am not allowed to leave the house during such times. Master talked with me, reassured me. I was so scared that i would be in that cage for the rest of my life. After hearing Master’s reassuring words a sense of peace overcame me. While i was in there i had no control of anything and therefore the pressure of decision making was totally removed. I felt a weight being lifted off of me. No longer did i have to choose anything. No longer did i have to think. I could just be. I started to feel like i was floating. After a while Master gave me a pre-scene checklist to fill out (it’s a new thing we are trying out) so She could plan our play time. I stayed in the cage while She was reviewing it and got to just be.

Play time is kind of blur, I don’t remember details of much. I’m sure there was kicking and/or punching, the Mother Fucker was probably in there somewhere and i’m pretty sure i had the big heavy duty clothespins on my breasts and clit. I do remember the breath play part in better detail though. Up until now most of our breath play has been Her hands over my mouth and nose, but we’ve also done some deep throating enough to block the windpipe and face sitting. But on Sunday, Master wrapped my head in plastic cling wrap leaving only a space from my nose to my eyebrows. She then would cover the open area with another strip of plastic, pressing the seams to ensure a tight seal. I could see Her through the plastic- looking into Her eyes while gasping at what little air i had was so erotic and got me very aroused. My life was in Her hands, pretty much literally. I knew that She would never intentionally hurt me but the thought “this could be my last breath” did cross my mind a few times.

Once Master was finished with the plastic wrap She used a……knife!!! to cut it off. If you have read early entries you will probably know that we had a bad experience with knife play a few years ago and have avoided it since. I’m not going to go into details about the past so read this post if you want more details. The knife. We talked about it before playing so I knew that it would make an appearance at the end of the breath play but i had forgotten about it. Until i saw it lying on the floor beside me when Master reached out for it. The panic in me started to rise, but by much less than i expected it to. The first time i felt the cold blade on my skin it took everything in me not to jump. But i survived and to be honest, it kind of aroused me as well. I think it was how my life was so very much in Master’s hands, again, that got me going.

We ended the evening with some wonderful times in the bedroom, the details of which i wish i remembered better. After that there was lots of cuddling and snuggling, chocolate and water. Master mentioned that i may have some subdrop in the coming days. We talked about what we enjoyed and how we felt about the various activities that we had just partaken in. Once we had relaxed for a while Master declared the high protocol part of our day to be over and we made dinner and watched some tv.

Overall, i had an amazing day! I do think i have had a bit of drop in the days since but not as much as i had kinda thought i might have. My sex drive had been on high since then and i feel almost insatiable, after sex i want more even though i am too physically used up/exhausted to do so.

Well, i have to go get ready for work so i’m going to wrap up here. Hope you all had a good weekend, we sure did. That one was definitely one for the history books, so to speak!!!

i'm too tired to come up with a jazzy title

We played on Sunday night and OH MY GOODNESS it was wonderful!!!! Madam blindfolded me and i have come to discover that blindfolding me makes me very aware of every touch. Things seem so much more stingier/sharper/thuddier/etc.

i don’t remember all the details but i did see pictures of, i think Madam said it was 12, clothespegs on my inner and outer pussy lips. i do remember being so close to orgasm that i was scared that i would break Madam’s order not to cum if i even moved but not being able to stop my body from grinding against nothing, something, anything!!

The Mother-In-Law arrives tomorrow for a week so imagine that there won’t be much time for play or writing or for Lee to finish editing our wedding pictures… which i really want finished so we can make our scrapbook and/or photo album. And i’m working more this next bit too so i imagine i’ll be too tried to be of much good for anything.

i'm trying desperately to get Lee to post here more often...if you'd like to hear more of Her side of things leave a comment saying as much please ('cause i think She's getting tired of hearing me ask LOL)

Knifeplay - Holding the knife that triggered

It has become a bit of an agreement between elle and I that while in play when I feel she is slipping into subspace I keep my questions to a minimum to avoid causing subdrop, for this reason that night I wasn't saying much at all. The night we played with a knife the room was near silent aside from her moans and gasps when I was paddling her until she reached that space in which she becomes unresponsive. I test where she is at with a few harder strikes, elicit a mild moan and know that she is floating in divine pain. In that place I knew it was time to turn to the knife.

I was feeling a little nervous about using the knife on her, not because I was worried about it becoming a trigger, but because we haven't used a knife before and I didn't want to hurt her. In play we differentiate between the delicious pain I deliver to her that makes her shiver and moan and liquefy beneath my touch - this is pain - and the hurt of going too far, doing something wrong that was not good, and all around bad pain - this is hurt. Hurt is to be avoided and so it was hurt that I was nervous about accidentally giving her. I was focused on the knife, not pushing too hard because I really just wanted to scratch, and being conscious of her slight movements that could make me slip. She was bound down pretty well and so she couldn't move much at all.

Especially in this scene, I didn't want to suddenly pull her from subspace so I wasn't verbally checking in with her. From my perspective, only a view of her back and responses sounding like those from other times in subspace, all was going well. I only took a half dozen strokes or so with the knife before moving on to other activities. I didn't know anything was wrong. After play and aftercare we talked a little and fell asleep. To be honest, I went to sleep a little disappointed that I didn't manage to give her any scratches to wear the next day as I know how much she loves wearing my mark.

It wasn't until the next morning as we got closer to it being time for us to leave that I noticed she was quickly fading and something was wrong. She told me then that the knifeplay had triggered her and my heart fell. How could I not know? During, after, the next morning I had no clue this had happened. I felt like I had failed her as much as a Domme could possibly fail the one they are to protect at all costs. I've read on Fetlife of Dommes just intuitively knowing what was happening with their sub, they had that connection, they could read every move every sound and know.

I had held a knife to my wife's back, and had absolutely no clue that she was trying with all her might to say her safeword! What I feel the worst about is that I didn't know at any point the feelings that must have been racing through her head as she was trying to stop me. In our lifestyle triggers are always a possibility, and accidents happen, we both know this, but to know she was trying to tell me and couldn't scares me and makes me feel even more the responsibility and trust she has invested in me. I sure hope with time I will become more intuitive with where she is at while playing.

Follow-Up to Knife Play

i'm still feeling kinda worried about my reaction the other night. Once an addict always an addict i suppose. But that's not entirely true. i used to smoke pot pretty much daily and now i can one in a while and not want to all the time. Madam and i have talked more about how to work through the problem.
Here's what we've come up with so far:
#1 when She is cutting my back we will put a dressing mirror in front of me so She can see my face (and therefore my reactions better) and i can see that She's using a knife and not a razor blade like i used to use.
#2 She is going to just run the knife over my skin on my chest and stomach again so i can see the knife
#3 Madam is going to talk to me while we are engaged in knife play. i don't really like Her to ask me questions during play as a general rule cause i find it harder to stay in subspace when i have to think about my responses and analyze what i'm thinking, feeling, etc
#4 i have done some very preliminary research into online groups for the type of therapy that my first psychiatrist used that i found to be very helpful (Dialectical Behavior Therapy if you're interested, it's sort of a mix of cognitive behavior therapy and the mindfulness that Buddhists practice)
#5 i started a discussion on the Submissive Women group on FetLife to see if i could get any other suggestions on how to manage which i have already gotten some very supportive comments but no advice that i'd say is very useful

Well that's all for now i think. i'll keep you posted on how this situation plays out...

Knife Play-a hard limit maybe?

i was supposed to "job hunting" today but instead in am sitting in a coffee shop. Let me give you a bit of a "history of elle" lesson and you will see why.

i have a history of mental health issues; depression, suicide attempts, cutting, just to name a few. i've bee in and out of psych units, seeing psychiatrists/therapists and on various medications since i was 15 years old. The last time i was in the hospital was almost three years ago. i was cutting my thighs and cut too deep. i called a friend and he rushed me to emergency where they stitched me up and sent me along to the psych ward for observation. but in the last three years i have made leaps and bounds in my recovery. It's been over a year since i've had to take antidepressants, let alone the heavier meds i've taken in the past, and even longer since my latest therapist "released" me. i have never gone a year without having some sort of depressive episode before now.

What's changed? Well, i think a big part is that i finally went back to school to do what i've always wanted. And the other part is Lee. She is amazing!! i ♥ Her more than life itself. Our relationship is stable, mature and i feel more secure and loved than i ever have before.

OK, so on to last night...Madam and i had a bit of a play session last night, nothing too hard cause i'm still recovering from an intense physical scene we had on Saturday. It was mostly just Her writing on me, a bit of light paddling and caning and scratching. At one point She mentioned about going to get a knife and actually cutting me rather than just the scratches She had been doing (we've talked about it before and i told Her that i was interested in trying). After She came back with a knife, She told me that She had only planned to mindfuck me and use a butter knife but if i thought i was ready that She would do it for real. i assured Her that i was ready and wanted Her to. The feeling of the knife on my skin was all at once terrifying and exhilarating. I quickly realized though that i was feeling many of the same feeling that i had when i was cutting before. i decided that i wasn't as ready as i'd thought i was and tried to call red (our safeword). But it only came out in squeaks, i couldn't form the word as much as i tried. Madam moved on from the knife play soon after, moving on to other things. i didn't say anything about it to Madam once the scene ended, i drifted off to sleep soon after.

This morning i woke up feeling not quite right, kinda down and anxious. At first i thought it was just the jitters about going on the "job hunt" but while we were getting ready i started to feel more and more depressed. Finally i told Lee that i felt like i was about to cry which of course opened the flood gates and the tears spilled down my cheeks. i told Her that last night had brought up memories of my past. i also told Her about trying to use my safeword and not being able to. (which thinking about it now kind of scares me, what if it had been some sort of medical emergency? would i have been able to then or was it just because of the type of play we were engaging in?)

Lee called work to tell them that She was going to be a bit late and we talked for a while. She feels bad that She didn't realize that i was trying to safeword but as i told Her, i was facing away from Her, my hands were out of sight and She was focused on what She was doing (which i'm glad for-i wouldn't want Her focus to be wandering while She had a knife to my back). i admitted that i wished that She didn't have to go to work, that i wanted to be with Her. She suggested that i leave the job hunt until tomorrow and come with Her to work so that i wouldn't be home alone. So now i sit here waiting for Lee to have Her dinner break to visit for a bit then wait again until She's done work and we can go home together.



i'm glad i'm not home alone. As much as Madam says She trusts me, i don't know how much i trust myself. When i told Her that She told me that i'm a good girl and wouldn't do anything that doesn't please Her and doing that wouldn't please Her so i wouldn't. i'd like to believe that but i don't, not right now.



i'm not depressed but with only one income life is stressful. i have an urge to cut now to release some of that stress. The feel of the blade opening up my skin and spilling my blood is cleansing, a release. The release is addictive. The pain (that's not the right word but i cannot think of the word i want right now) gives me something else to focus on, a distraction. i had forgotten how cathartic cutting can be. If you've never been a cutter, you probably don't understand. All i can say to explain it is that it's like an anorexic, the more stressed life gets the less they eat cause it's the one thing that they can control.

I do want to try knife play again but only when Lee will be home the next day in case i have a similar reaction. i want to work through this issue, i don't want it to control me or what Madam and i do in play. i guess it's like a person who has been in an abusive relationship having problems with certain aspects of play and wanting to work through them. Or is it more like an addiction and i should just leave well enough alone? i'm not sure, only time will tell i think. If we do knife play again and i have the same reaction over and over then we may have to add it to the hard limits, or soft limits with extreme amounts of aftercare. Who knows?



Have you ever had a similar experience? i'd love to hear about it and how you manage it.