When is a slave not a salve?

i feel anything but slave like.

i miss Her control. i miss kneeling before bed to have Her remove Her collar from my neck. i miss… i miss… i miss….

By the time i get home from work Lee is in bed and when She is gets up i am still sleeping. We are like two ships passing in the night.

For a week or so  at the beginning of this month Lee made a very micro-managing schedule for me but it just didn't work, for various reasons. We may try it again in the new year, maybe once things have settled down it will work better.

Once the new year comes we will be have two days a week together, our "weekend".  That might help. Recently we have only been having one day a week together, which, since i work late the night before and She works the next morning, really doesn't give us that much actual time together. Especially when you add on that we have errands, chores, etc. to do during that time.

We have also both been sick. i had two colds in one month!

i have pretty much lost my drive to serve and i feel like an imposter when Lee calls me Her slave. As much as i hate to admit it, i am needy. I need my Master standing over me actively dominating me, reminding me that They are in control, maybe because i have a fairly dominant personality. i guess it's also partly that i'm kind of like a young child in that if something is not right in front of me it doesn't exist.

i think once the Christmas season is over Lee and i are going to have to do some tweeking. i think things will improve without my class work and the holiday stuff  taking up so much time and energy. And as i said we'll have more time together which will enable us to re-connect more frequently and regularly.

i do think i need to do some critical thinking of myself to understand why i need such active control and try to come up with ways to satisfy this desire/need without placing my problem on Lee.

I don't know if this has come out in any sort of logical way. i apologise for the ramble but it is what it is.

Busy little slave

i just wanted to take a second to say hi and tell you that i haven't forgotten about blogging. i've been very busy with work and a continuing education course that i was taking (i passed!) and Christmas and everything else that life has thrown our way recently. i promise as soon as i get over this cold i'm battling i will try to get back here more regularly (probably be after Christmas is over).

One quick thing to mention is that Madam has decided (with my input) that we are going to postpone moving until the spring so that stress is gone for a while. Details later!

Hope you all have a great holiday season, how ever that looks for you!

Another curve in the Road

The other day, i got a call from my work telling me that the woman who works full time evenings has just quit. My manager asked if i would be interested in working the full time position until they can find and train someone. Seeing as how we are moving and could use all the money we can get, i reluctantly said yes. The biggest problem that i have with this arrangement is that Lee works days, which means that we will hardly get to see each other.

For those of you who have followed along for a while have probably caught on to the fact that i am a pretty hands on submissive type, meaning that i do best when i'm being actively dominated by Lee. i love/crave the physical stuff…. like serving Her dinner, sitting at Her feet, kneeling at the door when She comes home, that kind of stuff. Even the domestic stuff that i do when She is at work has an element of hands on because i like when She inspects what i have done when She gets home.

This "separation" is going to be hard on both of us. But on the other hand maybe it will help us build our relationship in a way that will be less obvious. That would come in very handy when we move.

Another implication of working full time is that i probably won't have much time to write. Nor will i have much to say, unless you want to hear about my day at work, which is not the reason you're here LOL! They are not exciting, trust me when i say that you don't want to hear about it!

Birthday Bash

This weekend was amazing!!! It was Sagacity's 11th Birthday Bash and Lee and i had a great time!!!

Friday night there was a Formal and Fetish meet and greet party that was supposed to have an amazing MindFuck presentation that had to be cancelled due to bylaw restrictions. The alternate was still good but i had been looking forward to seeing the Mindfuck as i had heard that the past ones had been a thrill.

During the day on Saturday there were workshops. The presenters were super; knowledgeable, funny (when appropriate, of course), informative, everything that you want someone who you have to listen to talk for an hour or more to be.  Lee and i attended the 101 and 201 energy workshops, command and control (it dealt a lot with building trust), vaginal fisting, resistance play (brats, interrogations, takedowns/kidnapping and rape play) and fear play workshops.  i think my favourite workshop was either resistance play or command and control.

We won a few prizes from the silent auction, a pair of red lambskin fingerless gauntlets (aka "Vixen Sleeves") from a local corset maker, a rubber paddle from a local paddle maker and a gift basket with a rubber slapper, leather slapper, 2 glass dildos, a book of BDSM erotica and some clit stimulation sprays. The value of the items that we won was about $300 and we got them all for $154!!! Lee also bought a stem ball gag like this one.

Saturday night was the play party. It was in the penthouse floor of the hotel which offered beautiful city views, if you could look past the gorgeous people having so much fun ;) The fact that it was in the penthouses made it that there were many stations but they were divided into many rooms which made it feel more private and cosy than the wide open dungeon space. Lee even mentioned that if more play parties were set up like this She could see us playing at one in the future, which surprised me.  i wore the gauntlets to the party as they matched my outfit quite nicely. What i didn't think of until after i had them on was that they prevented me from being able to bend my elbows….which meant that  i had to have Lee pour my drinks in my mouth and feed  me my snack! Sometimes She would tease me and start to pour but not actually give me even a drop, sometimes She would pour so much that i was worried that it would choke me. I think She got quite a bit of fun out of it! It kept me in a submissive mind frame very well, to the point that i started drifting off a bit when Madam kissed me passionately.

Before leaving the hotel, Lee told me that we weren't going to play (She had been drinking), which, i was kind of sad about but completely understood. But She did say that She was okay to fuck me. By the time we got home and unwound for a few minutes  Madam had "sobered up" and changed Her mind. She hauled me up off the couch to the bedroom. There i was photographed before  Madam began using one of Her new toys on me. i have nicknamed the rubber slapper the "Caramel-Coloured Fuck Stick". That damned thing stings!! i got hit from head to toe pretty much by the C-CFS and i will say that there is nowhere that it touched that it felt nice. It did, for some reason,  make me very wet though! Which Madam proceeded to make me lick off Her finger. She then filled my ass with Her cock and fucked it while slapping it with C-CFS. After an explosive orgasm, i was undressed, Madam spread my thighs straddled my pussy . We don't scissor often, i'm not sure why that is. It was so amazing to feel Her heat and wetness mixing with mine. i hope that we do it more often.

One thing that i love so much about Madam is how much care She shows me after either sex or play. She hold me and kisses me and tells me She loves me. She is gentle and sweet, She doesn't rush me or get upset if it takes me longer to come down than usual. At the party last night, we saw a "top" that wasn't like that at all . There was no aftercare and the "top" was, what i thought, rude to the "bottom" to the point of almost being disrespectful. It was quite clear to both Lee and i that the "bottom" needed some  time to recover, some reassurance, something, anything. We avoided the room that they were playing in because we don't like their style of play or dynamic to begin with (we've seen them play together before). When i saw that they were finished their scene, i thought it was safe to go in the room. When i saw the lack of aftercare i was almost appalled to the point where i wanted to go over and hold the poor "bottom". Even during one of the daytime workshops, the "top" had volunteered the "bottom" to demo something that clearly the "bottom" wasn't interested in doing and, in front of the whole group, the "top" stated to the "bottom" "Don't embarrass me". The "bottom" wasn't doing anything to warrant a comment like that. (i don't know how these people identify which is part of the reason that i used the quotation marks and i clearly avoided gendered pronouns to avoid giving details that could indicate who these people are).

And before anyone jumps in that every couple is allowed to have their own style and negotiate about aftercare, yes, i do agree but even if you're not into aftercare or you're not a touchy-feely kind of person the "top" should still be kind in the way that he/she speaks to their "bottom", especially after a scene. Okay, i could clearly rant on about this for quite some time but i need to get some stuff done around here today! LOL!!

Adrift

i still feel adrift.

Last night Lee and i had another "mini discussion" about it. i say mini cause it was just before we went to bed so we didn't talk too long about it.

i hope that what we talked about will come to fruition, and stay. i think that's our biggest problem, we talk about things and do them for a short while but they, for what reason i'm not sure, don't seem to last. They don't become a habit. i don't understand why because they are things that we have both agreed on. i guess if they don't come from the heart of the enforcer then they won't last. They have to be things that Lee really cares about. i really hope that this time they will stick. i guess that means that i hope that they are things that Lee really cares about.

i'm such a worrier, a negative thinker. i am definitely not an optimist. Not that i don't want to be, i'd love to be an optimist actually. But i don't know how to change... i sure wish i could though. I hate thinking the worst of everything. Some days i feel like i come across as a "Chicken Little" type, thinking the sky is falling when i have only been hit on the head by an acorn.

So one thing that Lee asked me to do last night is come up with a list of things that i want Her to take more control of. So i thought that i'd do that here.

Food/beverage intake

Going to the gym

Ensuring that i wear Her collar (or ankle cuffs if my neck gets too irritated)

Making sure that chores are done

Saying please when asking for things

Serving Her (sexually, foot baths, etc.)

We have talked before that physical punishments don't necessarily work but there are times when i wish She would, on top of the "thinking punishment". Beat me hard, without any sort warm-up until i beg for mercy. i don't know why... maybe so i can feel the pain that i caused Her by not pleasing Her? so i can feel Her emotions? i'm not sure. But i know i want it.

Some days i think that i'm crazy because of the things that i want/fantasize about. i mean, who in their right mind wants their wife to beat them to tears for not doing the dishes/making dinner the way Madam wants it/wearing the wrong outfit? What sane person wants to be fisted so that their pussy hurts the next time it's fucked?

Some people may take offence to me saying that i wonder if those things make me crazy, that i'm implying that that therefore makes them crazy too. i'm not, so please don't. And i know what i'm not crazy. I just kinda wonder sometimes, ya know?

Well, that was enough randomness for today i think! :)

Moving

Every day brings us closer and closer to moving. i really don't feel prepared to do it though, financially or otherwise. i'm really concerned that we have bitten off more than we can chew at the moment.

We have started going through papers to get rid of any that we don't need (Lee has a lot of papers with writing ideas, drawings and such that she's trimming down, i have recipes mostly). We also want to go through our books, CDs and movies. i have started weeding out clothes that don't fit or that i just don't wear anymore.

The other night i looked into flying with our cats and we discovered that Air Canada has a black out period for live cargo during the time we were hoping to go so now we are thinking that we will have to ship them before we leave. i really don't want to do that, our kitties will be so scared to be in a new home with other animals (we're probably staying with my Mom and Stepdad) and not have their Mommies.

my Mom has a friend who owns a long distance moving company so i have asked her is she would find out if he could give us a deal (and what kind of price we're looking at). i know that when i moved out here my ex and i were looking at about $2000 for a moving company, which Lee and i cannot afford.

i have started the process to get my licence in Manitoba. It's costing a fortune! It's been about $350 all together to get the forms filled out by the different places, notarized copies of our marriage certificate and my birth certificate, passport photos, a criminal record check. Then i have to pay for my licence which i believe is another $450. i'd better get a job quickly to make this all worth it!

i am so worried about how our M/s is going to look when we are living with my family. We won't have any private time for playing, i won't be able to overtly serve Her, lay at Her feet or many of the things that we do now. i just hope a tiny fraction will survive long enough that we can recover it once we are back out on our own.

*~*~*~*

i confessed to Lee recently that i have been feeling somewhat lost lately. i feel like my submission has been waning, again. i just don't feel very submissive. Madam says that my behaviour has been much better than when She first made the Behaviour Modification Plan but i don't know why because it doesn't get used very much. i guess that's the biggest thing that She sees so therefore uses to judge my level of submission but to me there is so much more. Like my drive and want to serve, which is low.

i think there are a few things contributing.

The first being that i have had a terrible rash on my neck and couldn't wear my collar. i have just recently started wearing it again sporadically and hope to increase the amount that i am wearing it more and more. Hopefully that'll help with that aspect.

The next part is that with working as much as i have in the past month and a half we haven't had as much time together as we used to, therefore we aren't getting time to play or other activities that connect us. And when we do play either i and/or She feels tired and so play time is shorter, less intense or both than i would like (need) it to be.

Another big part is that Lee has been very stressed about work for reasons that i'm not going to get into. For that reason, i feel like her active domination has lessened and i feel guilty asking Her for more as i don't want to put added stress on Her.

And last but not least the stress of moving. As i mentioned earlier we are starting to go through stuff and that takes up valuable time but it is very necessary.

i fear that things are going to get worse before they get better as our time will be stretched even more as moving day gets closer and closer.

Well, with that being said i should be wrapping this up and hitting the boxes, i guess!

What i am Thankful For

Last weekend was Thanksgiving. At the time i was too busy with work and cooking to write but i thought that i'd take some time now to think about all that i'm thankful for.

First and foremost i'm thankful to have Lee. my wife, my Master and my best friend. She is the sun which my little world revolves around. Without Her i'd be a lost soul. She makes happier than i ever thought was possible. She has the best lips for kissing, the best ears for listening and the best arms for squeeze-hugs.

i am also thankful for:

• Good mental health. i have been "depression free" for over 2 1/2 years now, which, knock on wood, is longer than i have ever gone before. Even though there have been a few times that i have thought that i was starting to go down that road again for some reason i seem to be able to get out of it before it becomes unmanageable by myself (and with Lee's help).

• Having the career that i have wanted since i was a child. Even though i may not be doing the exact job that i want, i am on the path to finding my dream job. Having a career that makes me feel like i'm making a difference in peoples' lives is important to me, it helps me feel important and useful. (i guess one could say that as Lee's slave i have two careers that make a difference in peoples' lives!!) Next week i am starting to take a continuing education class so hopefully that'll help me land a "better" job once we've moved. i'm very excited to start that class.

• Friends and family. From them i have received support and love that has been important to my survival, both presently and in the past.

• Living in a country that allows same sex couples to get married

• Sexy shoes!! Oh, and boots LOL i love shoes :)

• The ability to express my submission/servitude/slavery...whatever you want to call it. That part of me that repressed for many, many years and i am so grateful that i can let it out and have it acknowledged positively. The absolute joy and fulfillment that i receive from knowing that i've done something to make Madam happy or that makes Her life better is inexplicable.

i'm sure that i've missed something but i need to wrap up cause i'm going out with some of the women i went to school with tonight and i need to get some chores done before i leave so if i think of anything else i'll add it later!

Embarrassed

Have you ever been embarrassed by any of your kinks, ashamed even? i am. i can't even bring myself to say what it is at the moment, that's how embarrassed i am. Maybe one day i will tell you. Who am i kidding, i'm sure that i will once i can accept it more.

Part of my problem is that it is something that i have been very clear in the past that i am not interested in. i don't know why i am interested in it now but for the past week or so i have been thinking about it. When i catch myself i try to stop myself, but that hasn't been proving very successful and it has been on my mind for at least a few minutes every day in one form or another.

i haven't figured out why all the sudden i am interested in something that i was so vehemently against in the recent past. i haven't been able to pinpoint a cause. There is nothing that i can say "oh yes, it was that that sparked these thoughts".

i confessed to Lee about this last night. She suggested that it isn't the actual activity that i'm drawn to but more the feeling that i would get from it. That's probably true, probably very true. She is always so good at reading me. Telling Lee and having Her not get squicked out by it did help to relieve my anxiety a huge amount. But it still doesn't make me feel like less of a hypocrite.

And yes, i know there have been other things that started out as a limit that we now (regularly) engage in, piss being one of them. i guess, to me, this is different. It is something that many people get hot from so it's not "unusual", i just can't seem to wrap my head around it for myself.

i told Lee that this isn't something that i want to jump into right away. But, our dynamic dictates that i am open with my thoughts and feelings, though, so i had to tell Her.

Sorry that i'm being vague but i'm not quiet ready to out my "new kink" yet. I imagine that it has made this post hard to follow.

Help?!?

i'm Back!

i'm not entirely sure what to write about today but for some reason I have the urge to write. Maybe cause it's been so long since i have and/or i finally have had enough time to catch up on *most * of the household stuff that i wouldn’t feel guilty for writing.

Well, in case you care to know what i have been doing these last few weeks i've been working more than usual. Anywhere between 3-5 (and a few weeks ago 6) days a week. Now i know to many of you that's probably the norm but not for me and because of it i have been tired and sore.

The other think that i have been doing is birthday shopping for Lee. Tuesday is a big birthday, a milestone, you could say, so i have been hunting for the perfect gift. This proved to be an almost impossible task. What kind of gift adequately represents my love and devotion to my wife/Master? I can't say what i ended up with right now cause then Lee would read it so you all will have to wait until after Tuesday yourselves to find out just like She does. But i think i did good...i hope!

*~*~*~*~*

Last Tuesday (or was it Wednesday? i think it was Wednesday... i can't remember!!) Madam decided that for the day i needed to ask permission to leave Her presence. Any time i wanted to do anything, even if it was something that She told me to do i had to ask. She's never required this of me before so when She told me about this i was worried that i'd forget, which i did a few times but overall i did pretty well with remembering.

Then on Thursday, She made me text Her to ask permission to go to the bathroom. The rule was that i had to wait 10 minutes for a reply and if She was busy and couldn't in that time then after the 10 minutes i was allowed to go. i remembered to text Her both times!

After She got home from work She we talked about how i felt about having to ask permission to go to the bathroom. i told Her that it is somewhat embarrassing to have to ask but that since i was fairly certain that She'd say yes that i wasn't really concerned. So She told me that next time maybe She won't say yes so quickly….next time?!? i'm not sure if this is leading up to always having to ask permission but if it is i'm not entirely sure that i like the idea. It's not the asking in and of itself that worries me but more that She will say no when i really need to go and then i will have to beg to go. i think that would be supremely humiliating.

And i also worry that this is going to lead to no bathroom privacy. i already pee with the door open and don’t care if Madam is in the bathroom when i'm doing so but the thought of having to go number 2 openly is not something that i even want to think about. i know many slaves have no bathroom privacy but i don't know if i'm okay with that.

i'm probably reading more into the two days of asking permission than i should be but i am a worrier (as i'm sure i've mentioned before).

Some fact, some fiction, all fun

"How's your pussy feeling slut?" Madam purrs in her knowing voice. It's been three days and she has filled her girl's cunt five times, ramming into the wet, warm tunnel with her thick, purple silicone cock.

"It hurts Ma'am." The girl quietly replies while her eyelashes lower and her head tips forward in an attempt to hide the blush of her cheeks. She knows that her pussy is not really hers, it is there for Madam's pleasure and lately it has pleased Madam to use and abuse her hole until it burns with exquisite pain. Over and over the rough treatment has left her insides throbbing with each thrust as she gasps and groans, trying to hold back the tears. She fears she can't take much more.

"Good, spread your legs…"

Slut shutters, her eyes wide with fear as they lock on Madam's. "No! Please Ma'am…" she starts to plead.

"Please what?" A smile creeps onto Madam's face as she crosses her arms over her chest, her feet firmly planted not about to budge.

"It hurts Ma'am. I can't…" 

Silence fills the room as Madam stares at her girl. With her head slightly tilted and the corner of her mouth still quirked in a smile, Madam watches the internal struggle dance within her girls eyes.

"I…" sluts eyes slowly lower back to the floor in resignation, knowing she is nobody until Madam says she is somebody. "Please Madam, use my holes for your pleasure." Again her voice is quiet, she has once more found her place and slowly lowers herself to the bed, spreading her legs like a good girl.

Work kills the Domme in Me

Sometimes I find it very hard to feel Dommely when other areas of My life seem so out of My control that I am frustrated, depressed, or just plain tired. Take My work for example. I sell shoes. My wage is commission based and so there is a lot of pressure I put on Myself to sell, sell, sell, without being one of those super annoying, pushy sales people...I don't really have the personality for that anyway. When I first started, My mom didn't think I would do very well because I am quiet and not really a social person, but she was wrong and nearly every month I have ranked second for sales in the company, which is quite impressive considering the number one position has been held by a guy that has been working for this company for twelve years!
But I hate My job.  A job that has Me judging My self worth based on My daily sales is not enjoyable. I know there is a lot more to My worth than how I do during those eight hours, five days a week, but when those hours dictate My income and whether bills will be easy to pay or debt will just continue hanging over our heads it's hard to separate and not see Myself as a failure when those days go poorly. And when they go poorly so, it seems, does My control over elle. If she fights against My control when I'm in a mood, then I more often than not just drop it rather than pushing through like I do other times. I'm not sure how to separate My work irritation from My ability to control My slave.

On the bad work days, I just want to come home and curl up in My girls arms and have her take it all away. But usually our bad days over lap and I brush aside what I'm feeling to try to comfort her. It makes Me temporarily better to be able to make her feel better, but then I never fully deal with what I'm feeling. It just builds and builds until I am so frustrated at work that I just want to start beating My wishy-washy, time wasting, "you are my servant" thinking customers with the shoes I'm desperately needing to sell them! Going postal? No. Going commissioned sales clerk, more like. If only we sold stilettoes!

I would love to be a writer or photographer instead, but that's not practical. Maybe once elle is working full time as a nurse, I can just work part time somewhere and write part time, but that would have to be like five years down the road once debt was cleared and all we needed to worry about where current bills and not crap left behind by exes and My doormat days. Oh ain't life grand.

I'm not really sure what My point for this post really was. I know I bitch and complain in My posts far more than I want to be. I want to just write about how amazing our D/s is and it really is getting better and better, with a step back now and then, but I'm back to work tomorrow and I'm already dreading another week there. If I knew what to take, I would go back to school if I really felt a draw to something that I knew I would follow through with. I look into the trades ever few months thinking I should just be  a plumber or electrician, but  really would I be any happier doing anything like that. I couldn't say. I'll be thirty in three weeks, I've gone through college twice, and still I'm working a job that I could have gotten fresh out of high school.

I do have an amazing wife that willingly submits her heart, body, mind and soul to Me which I am eternally thankful and grateful for. She is My slave and even just last night, pushed My head down to perform oral on her when she felt that was what I wanted to do but knew I wouldn't do because it is more or less a limit for her. She happily suffered through such an act because it was for My pleasure and I know that was a huge move of submission for her. Obviously life isn't all bad, when I have a girl like My slave elle!

Non-consent and makin' love

I am Master, she is slave.

Sometimes it takes her goading and fighting back for My full Master tendencies to appear. I feel I am at the stage in our dynamic where I am fully aware of who I am, but sometimes I need an "excuse" to release My full potential. Such as last night. I intended to use her holes as soon as I decided to start touching her, but I didn't have any plans of a non-consent scene until she started fighting back. She wouldn't stop and instead of ordering her to stop, I decided showing her, her place would be much more fun and effective  in controlling her.

This was the first such scene where I felt the struggle for power in earnest. I know she started fighting just to have a little fun and to get Me going. she wanted Me to take before she would give, though she admitted after she had no idea it would go that far. After a while though, I feel like the struggle was much more real for both of us. My brain switched from "oh, you wanna fight do ya" to "that bitch is gonna get it!" Lol, while being safe and fully aware of her reactions and such, of course.

When we first started on this kinky path, I read about Domme space and never really believed it because it didn't seem like I got anything close to what others described. Lately though, especially with some of our more intense play that really has elle begging and pleading, I've been feeling more and more giddy-like with power, and afterwards I find that it feels quite like a dream when I think back on what happened. It's kind of tunnel vision-esk. I think about last night and I can see it happening and remember that while it was, nothing else existed. I was in it %100 and I just knew that I had to conquer her, knew that I could, and had every right to.

That's right, I said "I had every right to rape My wife." she was misbehaving, even if just playing, and didn't just spread her legs for Me, so after a struggle I forced My fingers into her holes to show they were mine. It wasn't just because I felt like fucking her anymore, it was to make her feel completely owned by Me. Owned and loved to the point that it was in both our best interest for Me to follow through to such an extent and remind her of her place.

And then...and then, when it was all said and done, and she was coming down, she asked me in a very timid voice to make love to her! How wonderful is that. I rape My wife and not ten minutes later does she ask Me to hold her in My arms and make love to her. Getting deeper and deeper into this dynamic just shows the scope of our relationship and how close it brings us. I know this is not for everyone, but for those of us that are in the lifestyle, I feel we have a profound advantage for relationship success when so many raw emotions and actions can be expressed and shared. Nothing is left inside to fester when feelings can be released in such a way.

elle, I don't remember ever thanking you for taking the brave step of broaching the subject of BDSM with Me a year ago, but thank you so much for doing so. It is taking Me some time to come into My own on this, but I feel like I am finally starting to really feel My place here and I truly think it has made our relationship ten time better than I ever though possible with anyone. I love you so much, sometimes only actions can speak so deeply.  

i am Her slave

i think last night Madam was teaching me what it means to be Her slave. I think She pretty much succeeded.

Last night was supposed to be a play night, we were going to have a high protocol scene. I met Madam at work, dressed in a short black skirt , a pink lacy camisole-style top with my pink and orange high heels. We talked and got caught up a bit since we hadn't seen each other since Thursday. Madam asked me if i wanted to or if I'd just prefer we just hang out on the couch and snuggle since it was our only night together this week due to work schedules. i told Her that i'd like to just snuggle and maybe have some "fun in the bedroom" (hint, hint!!). After dinner I served us some coffee and the last of the peach blueberry crisp that i had made on Thursday (that didn't take long to go through, next time i'll have to make a double!!).

Not long after we finished dessert Madam started grabbing at me, my ass, my boobies, what ever She could get Her hands on really. Since my skirt was so short, it made it pretty easy for Her to see and grab at my neither regions. i kept jokingly pushing Her away and telling Her "No!". We played like this for a while the intensity kept building, She started holding my hands back and i kept egging Her on. At some point i managed to sneak free and ran into the kitchen, grabbed a spatula and started swinging. She met my spatula with a whisk and we had a "sword fight" with our kitchen utensils. Eventually She wrestled the spatula away from me and managed to pin me to the ground on my hands and knees. She started spanking me, i crawled away and got up but She followed. We played cat and mouse for a few minutes then somehow i ended up back on my hands and knees pinned to the ground.

She asked me who i was, i replied with my full name. "No! you are slave elle, sometimes just slave" i believe was Her answer. She asked again, and again i replied with my full name. i was being a defiant little slave, i wasn't going to give in without a fight. We went back and forth a few times like this until She announced that She was going to teach me my place and yanked up my skirt and pulled my pink lace panties down to my ankles. She shoved Her fingers ruthlessly into my pussy while telling me who i was to Her. my no's fell on deaf ears. i managed to break free again but not for long and soon i was back on the ground on my knees and face. Her fingers violently entered first my pussy again then as Madam put it "to teach me that both my holes are for Her to use when and how She wants" my ass. She only stopped when She heard the reply She wanted "i am slave elle and you are Master Lee". My pussy was sore but my clit was throbbing…. and soaking wet!!As i lay on the floor of the living room quivering and coming down, my loving Master covered me with a blanket, fed me chocolate and laid with me until i was okay again.

Then i asked Her something that i think surprised Her…"will You make love to me?" and of course She agreed. We moved into our bedroom and She held me in Her strong arms while we made love and i climaxed over and over again. I felt so close to Her, so loved, so wanted.

We talked for a bit about what happened. Lee admitted that non-consent has become much easier for Her, that She no longer feels guilty for forcing Herself upon me, which i'm glad to hear. i apologized for trying to get Her to "rape" me when we started this thing we do, when She wasn't comfortable.

Why do i think She was trying to teach me what it means to be Her slave? i can't really explain it, it's just a feeling i have but i'll try. i think it helped me surrender not only my body but my heart and soul to her. The resistance to giving up total control that i feel sometimes seems to have shed another layer and i am getting that much closer to being a better slave for my Master. She held my very life in Her hands and used that power to reinforce how much She loves me by showing that She wants to control me. She wants to control me because She wants to make sure that i am making the right choices, that i am safe and that i am well taken care of. By controlling me She shows me that She loves me, in a similar way that a parent does with a young child.Does any of this make sense? i hope so cause i don't know if i can explain it any better! lol

Well, i've got to go start getting ready for work.

Thank you Ma'am for a night i will never forget! i love You!!!

D/s, M/s, What's the Diff?

Lee and I have had a few discussions in the past about "advancing into" a Master and slave dynamic. We even tried for a while, then things kinda fell apart, which is what prompted the discussion that we had last week. Before Madam and i had our talk last week i had hoped that it was going to be the re-start of the M/s, so to speak. You see, I have always identified as more of a slave than submissive but i didn't outwardly identify as that because Lee had made it clear that She wasn’t ready to own a slave. i was so thrilled that Lee was finally ready to accept me as Her slave, i didn't care if it was really what was best for us, if we were ready for that kind of commitment.

She decided that we needed to work more on firming up our D/s before "advancing" to a M/s relationship. i'm not going to lie, i was disappointed for selfish reasons. Just as i agreed to be Her slave before for selfish reasons. Then like two days later, in the middle of a scene She asked me to be Her slave. i wish i could remember Her exact words because i remember that they were beautiful. i, of course, said yes. When i asked Her later what made Her change Her mind she said it just felt right at the time. Which makes me worry that She was just caught up in the moment and had disregarded what ever Her reasons were to hold back before. i mean, nothing had changed. Nothing that i was aware of at least. i'm also worried that She rushed into this for me.

All of this has got me thinking as to what would/will change in our relationship in M/s vs. D/s? i mean, we already live 24/7, though it may not be complete TPE it's pretty darned close, close enough for what we/She wants. i even took Her last name when we got married!

I really don't know what I've gotten myself into by agreeing to be Lee's slave

i know, i know, i need to just accept what She says at face value and stop trying to find ulterior motives and meanings behind things. My problem is that I'm just like a toddler, I always want to know why. Why did you do that, decide that, etc.? That's probably my biggest hurdle to becoming a better slave. It's not just with Madam that I do it, as far as I can remember I've always been like this (I think that's why I love to read so much and always want to learn new things).

*~*~*~*

i've been a busy girl the last few days. On Thursday i peeled, sliced and froze about 11 pounds of peaches and made a peach and blueberry crisp as well as my chores. Yesterday i made two pans of peach muffins before going to work. i'm off today but i hope to get a few extra chores done cause i'm working tomorrow to Thursday, all evenings so i can't really do much when i get home because Lee will already be in bed and i don't think Her or the neighbours would appreciate it if i started vacuuming at one o'clock in the morning!!

Madam and i have to talk about our move again soon as i've finally found out more info about transferring my LPN license to Manitoba. After all the fretting and worrying that i did, it sounds like it shouldn't be difficult at all! i've been thinking of going back to school to become a RN. There are two schools in Winnipeg that offer the RN program and i have a family member who went to one and now teaches at the other so i have emailed her to see if she can offer any insight into which would be my better choice. So i guess the moving discussion will probably wait until i hear from her.

Well, i've gotta get going on my chores. Lee will be home in about six hours and because i worked last night, i got to sleep in so i haven't even started them at all yet :(

If anyone can provide me with some insight about the sub/slave Domme/Master differences would be lovely!!!

Lee and elle Version 2.0

So Lee has told me to write a post about the conversation that we had a few of days ago. We shared our list that I mentioned here as well as re-evaluated our rules, protocols and rituals.

The protocols and rituals didn't really change per se, more just taking out parts that we don't do anyways and making the wording more concise.

The rules have been trimmed once again. i think that the more we get used to our roles the less we need rules. As well, we realized that some of the rules that we had just don't work in real life. For example, in the beginning we had a rule that stated that i was to give Lee oral pleasure every night. After doing that for a while She confessed that She thought that it was making Her less sensitive and therefore less orgasmic (which is not good because She already has problems with not being able to cum very easily). There were other rules that we decided weren't really rules but more just reiterations of our protocols/rituals. There were rules for things that we thought were just plain obvious, like that I had to respect Madam (like i wouldn't do that if there wasn't a rule! Even if we weren't in a D/s relationship i'd still respect Her) and that i have to be open with my thoughts and feelings, those who know me can attest that I have a harder time shutting up than opening up so no need for that rule :). And there were redundant rules like I had to follow all rules. So we went from fifty something in the beginning down to about two dozen and now down to eleven. For a girl who says that they love rules you'd think that I'd be upset by this but i'm not. In fact i'm glad that they have been cleaned up. i'm all for efficiency and really, we haven't changed how we operate and that's the important part.

As for Lee's list, i'll leave it up to her to decide if She wants to post it. i don't feel like i really learned anything new about Her through this assignment (did you hear that? i gave Her an assignment, how many subs can say that about their Dom/me?!?!) but i imagine She'd say the same thing about my list. She wrote two lists actually. The first was things we currently do/toys we currently use that She likes and the second was things She wants to try/new scene ideas. She did come up with some fun sounding scenes that I am very excited to try!!! At the end of our discussion I gave Her a secondary assignment to list Her top three favourite toys that we currently have and top three things to do to me or have me do so that i can get a better idea of what She really likes. We agreed that we'd talk about our top threes next week.

One thing that we both agreed on is for Lee to try to do things that will show Her dominance/control of me while we're apart (more specifically, while She's at work and i'm at home). We talked about Her either texting me through the day or leaving instructions before She leaves for how She wants me to be dressed when She comes home, having me masturbate, some sort of self-inflicted kink (i.e. clothespegs on nipples), etc.

So we'll see how things go in the next little bit.

Wedding Photos

So i can't figure out how to format these darned pictures to be able to write captions...







Plus they're all out of order and i can't figure out how to fix that either...

But you get the jist of things, right?!?

Rules, Protocols and Rituals

i have finally updated the Rules and Protocols and Rituals pages. Enjoy!!

Random Thoughts of a Sickey

i hate being sick! It started a week ago with a cold then on Wednesday, just as i was recovering from that, i got a what i think is a lower GI bug. The worst part is that I’ve missed three days of work and the local submissive women’s group meeting because of it. Last night i was feeling better, i thought my sickness was on its way out so i asked Lee if we could play tonight but that won’t be happening now cause this morning i woke up and felt awful. i miss playing L. i wish this stupid bug would go away so Lee and i can have some quality time in the bedroom again.

*~*~*~*~*

i don’t write about ellie very often here. ellie is my little. She came out yesterday, as she often does when i’m not feeling well, either emotionally or physically. ellie is an older little, about the age of a first or second grade little girl. i think part of the reason that i haven’t really talked about her before is that i don’t really know a lot about her. i do know that she like to colour the princess colouring books, in the lines, of course. She is also very shy in public, which is probably a protective mechanism so that i don’t draw too much attention to myself when little. ellie has no friends, except for a Cabbage Patch doll named Franceine and a stuffed cow named Moo. And of course, her Poppi, which is her name for Lee. i would love to have real friends that ellie could play with but i think part of the problem with that is that i’m not little all the time and never really know when i will be.

Exploring that side of me is something that interest me but i don’t know where to even start. There doesn’t seem to be much information about littles, especially older than toddlers, on Fetlife or the internet in general that isn’t sexual in nature. As far as i know the local scene doesn’t have anything for littles but to be honest i haven’t really looked into it.


*~*~*~*~*


Lee and i are going to have another sit down this coming week to discuss our D/s. We do this on a semi-regular basis since we are still fairly new to it. (unbelievably, it’s still been less than a year!) We have both agreed that the current punishment dynamic is not working and the revised rules (that i never did post, sorry!) will need a bit more tweeking if She/we are going to re-examine the punishment aspect. We aren’t going to loose the rules entirely but i think they will become more of a “statement of principles and practices” kind of idea.

That’s it for now, i think i’m going to lay down for a bit.

i'm too tired to come up with a jazzy title

We played on Sunday night and OH MY GOODNESS it was wonderful!!!! Madam blindfolded me and i have come to discover that blindfolding me makes me very aware of every touch. Things seem so much more stingier/sharper/thuddier/etc.

i don’t remember all the details but i did see pictures of, i think Madam said it was 12, clothespegs on my inner and outer pussy lips. i do remember being so close to orgasm that i was scared that i would break Madam’s order not to cum if i even moved but not being able to stop my body from grinding against nothing, something, anything!!

The Mother-In-Law arrives tomorrow for a week so imagine that there won’t be much time for play or writing or for Lee to finish editing our wedding pictures… which i really want finished so we can make our scrapbook and/or photo album. And i’m working more this next bit too so i imagine i’ll be too tried to be of much good for anything.

i'm trying desperately to get Lee to post here more often...if you'd like to hear more of Her side of things leave a comment saying as much please ('cause i think She's getting tired of hearing me ask LOL)

The List

A few weeks ago i asked Lee to come up with a list of things that She wants us to either try/try again or do more frequently. A big part of the reason is that i still don’t feel like i know what Her kinks really are, that most of the stuff we do (sexy and/or kinky) is because it has been me going to Her and saying “i would like to try….”. She is working on it, slowly, admittedly it has been very busy for us in the past few weeks so i don’t at all blame Her for not having found the time to finish it yet. i wish She would finish it! i’m dying to know what’s on it! And to start putting that info to good use!

It’s made me think about my “list” too. There have been a few things that i have thought of lately that I’ve never really thought about before. i’m not sure what has caused my brain to think about them more as of late but it has made me curious!! i’ve told Lee that i’m not going to say anything that will influence Her list so i’m not going to say what the activities are at the moment….maybe once She’s got Her list completed.

i was actually thinking that it might be kinda fun to create a kinky/sexy “bucket list” page here. If i’m good at anything, it’s making lists! List making is one of my kinks!! LOL! No, seriously though, i think i love making lists almost as much as i love my cats! And a bucket list is something that will constantly change and evolve, it's a forever list... come to think about it, why haven't i got at least one already?

Have you got a bucket list, kinky or vanilla? or mixed? What's on it?

Our Wedding Vows

These are the vows that Lee and i said yesterday at our wedding

Lee's vows:
You have entrusted me with the care of your heart, a gift that nothing else could possible equate to.

I am humbled that you have chosen to submit yourself to an ever changing, and ever challenging life with me.

In the good times and bad that send you to your knees, I promise I will be there to lift you back up.

In moments of uncertainty, I will be there to lead you through and give you the strength to carry on.

I will help you grow and will evolve with you at the same time. I will shelter you with my love, and give you a home within my arms.

With all of my heart, body, mind and soul, I vow to keep, love and protect you

elle's vows:
Today i give you my heart and soul.

i promise to love, honour and obey you.

You are my guide when life prevents me from seeing my path.

The rings which we exchange today are an outward expression of the commitment which i carry with me through all of my thoughts and actions each and every day.

i am excited and proud to be your wife today and forever and ever, plus two days.

As the 13th century poet and theologian Rumi once said:
"A lover asked his beloved: Do you love yourself more than you love me?
Beloved replied: I have died to myself and I live for you.
I've disappeared from myself and my attributes, I am present only for you.
I've forgotten all my learnings, but from knowing you I've become a scholar.
I've lost all my strength, but from your power I am able.
I love myself...I love you. I love you...I love myself."

i'll post a picture or two in the next couple of days, once my wife has finished editing them and tell you all how it went down.

I lost the step-by-step guide to being a Domme

Hello friendly readers, remember Me? I’m the D in the D/s with elle...at least I’m supposed to be. I haven’t been doing a very bang up job of it for the last while. Seems ever since we took a few days break, months back, I haven’t been able to get into the groove of it on a regular basis and in so failing have not given elle any reason to put her best foot forward either. We used to play quite often and now there are more frustrated tears from not playing and discussions about not having played than there are scenes in recent memory.

Is it ALL My fault? Being the D, I’m supposed to be the one deciding everything and ensuring everything is done the way I plan, so I guess it is. Bad behaviour in a sub is a reflection of bad leadership from the Domme. Why should she sub if I flop in My role more times than I succeed? It’s tiring. Taking the lead, making her do things she doesn’t want to do and fights Me on, remembering to tell her something instead of asking and if I get another argument from it standing My ground. Because I said so, because I want you to, because of blah de blah de blah, isn’t reason enough if she has it in her head to fight.

Am I the D? Yes.

Is she stubborn, strong willed, knowing of what she wants and if she doesn’t get it ready to fight to create an excuse for not getting it? Yes.

elle is a sub that needs clear cut reasons. I know this. Am I good at supplying this? Not so much.

elle is a sub that needs to see that she is getting something out of what she puts in. Am I good at positive reinforcement and rewards? Um, well I guess not so much when play is a main point she needs. I think I’m good at positive reinforcement.

I know this is all about working together and Me deciding what is best for us and doing it whether she agrees in the moment or not, but it is hard to keep pushing through when I get such resistance that I just start to feel like a big asshole. I need the positive reinforcement too.

I feel like switching lines of thoughts now. The beginning of this post was written yesterday, and I don't remember exactly where I was going with it so...

It is four sleeps now until we say “I do!” I’m excited, nervous, scared and a little pukey if I think too long on it, lol. More than anything though, I can’t wait to be standing there in front of our witnesses to put a ring on the finger of the woman I am going to spend the rest of My life with. It seems like I have already spent a lifetime with elle and I want a million more. There are certainly things that aren’t going the best with us at the moment (see above) but there is so much more that is just incredible that I know there has not been another decision I‘ve made that has been better for Me, than being with and marrying elle. I love you My girl!!

My Love/Hate Relationship

i’m not sure if I’ve talked about this before so if i have i apologize but i’ve been thinking about it since it happened (again!) on Friday.

On Friday evening, Madam and i had a shower together. We shower together quite often and i love it. i get to shampoo and wash her and if i’m lucky Madam washes her toy too. We have one of the wand shower heads that has the massage setting on it. Once in a while Madam gets the brilliant idea to give me a massage “down there” which i love to hate.

Well, Friday night was one of those times. i tried to cover myself and turn away but i was told to be a good girl and move my hands and stand still against the wall. my clit is very sensitive and the pressure of the water is usually torture as was the case this time. i begged her to stop over and over but my pleas fell on deaf ears. Up till this point Madam had been “going easy” on me, my outer lips were protecting my clit somewhat. Then She told me to open myself up for Her. Again in vain, i pleaded with Her but i was met with the same command to open up. Realizing that my resistance was futile, i relented and pulled back my protective lips to expose my clit completely to the hard stream.

i screamed as the assault began again. my body bucked and thrashed against the torture. And even though i was imploring Madam to stop i could feel something stirring inside me and my pussy getting wet. “i want you to cum slut” Madam commanded and i could tell that i would soon even though i was saying no. i was deep in sub space by that point.


i could feel the wave of orgasm building stronger every second. As the wave engulfed me i started crying. my body had betrayed my mind, again, as it always ends up doing when Madam uses the water on me.

Madam returned the water to the regular shower setting and put it back in the holder on the wall, wrapped Her arms around me and held me under the stream letting me cry on Her shoulder.

Once i calmed down a bit, the water was shut off and Madam wrapped me in a towel.
Later, laying in bed i asked Madam how it makes Her feel when i say no and beg Her not to “massage” my clit. She told me that for a second She still second guess Herself but quickly realizes that if i actually meant no that i would use my safe word and that then She almost gets giddy with the feeling of power and control that She gets from being able to make me cum even though i “want” Her to stop.

She asked me how it makes me feel. It makes me feel exposed, vulnerable, open, violated (in a good way), controlled, owned. But to sum it up in one word, i feel very submissive.

i love/hate you shower head massager!!!

i love You Madam!!! and i can't wait for next Monday!!!

Happy Pride... We're Getting Married!!

i wrote this on Monday July 11 intending for it to be longer but i didn’t finish it... i thought i’d post it as is now rather than trying to rewrite it or add on.

Yesterday (well really it was from July 1 to yesterday) was Gay Pride here. Lee and i watched the parade and went to the festival. i got a new anklet that jingles when i walk which i love cause i can wear it in public unlike the cuffs that i have already. After the festival we walked along the Sea Walk which is where we first said i love you and where we hope to get married in two weeks to try to decide exactly where we want that to happen.

Yes that’s right, we’re getting married! It’s going to be a casual little ceremony, just us our witnesses and the Marriage Commissioner. Last week we got our marriage licence and rings. It was so easy, we both were a bit shocked at how easy it really was but like we said, our relationship has been so easy that why should this be difficult. We will probably have some sort of celebration next year, on/around our anniversary.

This post isn’t going to be about kink so much. It’s going to be more about me and my state of mind as of late.

As i have mentioned before, i have a history of mental health issues. i was first diagnosed with depression almost half a life time ago and have been very suicidal at times during the last 14 years. i have taken more than half a dozen different medications over the years and have seen a few different psychiatrists and therapists.

The past two and a half years are probably the best i have been since i was 15 years old. That is, until recently. In the last month or so i have felt myself starting to slide back into that dark place. Lee and i have talked a bit about it but to be honest i hold back the true depth of my feelings most of the time cause i’m scared that She will worry about me. She knows enough that She suggested that i talk to my doctor about going back on meds for a while, which i really don’t want to do for a few reasons.

Antidepressants do two things to me that i hate. Neither of which will help with the depression. The first being that they kill one’s sex drive. If that were to happen i don’t want to even think about how long Lee and i may go without having sex then since Her drive is naturally lower than mine and i’m the one who (nine times out of ten) initiates sex. The second reason is that they make me gain weight. i’m already heavier than i want to be so i think if i gained any more weight i’d just be even more upset and disgusted with how my body looks (bye-bye to any self esteem that i have left!). Those may sound like superficial reasons but as i said i think that both of those side effects would only make me feel worse about myself

The problem is that my depression is affecting our dynamic. When i have a “bad day” i don’t want to do anything. i don’t want to cook, do chores or dress in the manner that i’m supposed to. Lee has tried to push me but it only made things even worse and now She‘s gun shy about trying to push me anymore.

So i don’t know what to do about the situation. i want to be the best slave that i can be for Lee, She deserves nothing less but it’s impossible when i can’t even get up off the couch or out of bed.

Another thing is that as much as Lee and i go to local munches and such i still don’t feel like i/we have made any solid connections so i don’t feel like i have anyone that i can talk to about this. i wish i had a friend or the like that would understand.

Used Goods

i am writing as i think today so apologize in advance :)

i am supposed to be doing chores right now but my back is sore for some reason so i thought i'd relax for a while and write before i start. Thursday afternoon on the bus to work i was trying to write out a few thoughts on my submission to Lee. i'm trying to write a few phrases that i can "meditate to" on my way home from work to help me refocus my attention to Her. i got a couple down but to be honest i was distracted by the ache in my abused pussy. Since the other day when i made the comment to Madam that i thought She possibly wasn't hitting as hard as She used to Madam seems to be giving me harder spankings and using me sexually more frequently (refer to my last post if you don't know what i'm talking about lol). Now i realize that it's only been a couple of days since but it has been a both wonderful and uncomfortable, painful and pleasurable, degrading and hot couple of days.

Part of it is that She has also not let me cum for the last two days. Last night i begged and begged Her for an orgasm to no avail. i don't know how long this denial will last for but i love and hate it! It keeps me "on" all the time, which is why i guess that some Dom/Dommes do it. i am so horny and have been since She started this. It has made me feel very insignificant knowing that my enjoyment isn't of concern.

Being used, i'm discovering, is a pretty big fetish of mine. Being fucked, not because the other person wants me so much but only because i have holes that will satisfy their primal need. That is part of what rape scenes are about to me, i could have been replaced by another woman and the rapist would have still done the same thing. Same with being a prostitute, the person fucking you calls the shots. We haven't done any sort of prostitution play to know if i am into it but i can see all the potential there!

i think it comes down to it feeling used = feeling owned to me. Lee owns me and therefore can
use me how ever She chooses. That means that i am Her prostitute, Her free prostitute i might add!, when She wants to fuck. Just like i am Her chef when She wants dinner, Her masseuse when she wants a massage. Don't read that wrong, i am in no way saying that i do not enjoy being Madam's prostitute, i am happily Her slut. :) i wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China. :)

Okay i think i should quit rambling and go and be productive now.

A Word of Caution.... :)

i am so excited!! Madam and i have been talking about wanting to try another rape scene! Am i a happy little sub?? Yes Ma'am, i am!! Oh!, the thought of being used against my will.... Back to the post ;)

She said that She is feeling more confident about being able to use the force necessary to control me and physically top me even if/when i'm fighting back. Why? Well a couple of reasons really... for instance, our sex in general has become rougher which means She knows how far She can push me. When we first tried to have a rape scene we had not even broached some of the edgier play that i would now consider to be part of our regular play. Also, She now believes me that i want and enjoy when it hurts, physically and emotionally... apparently smiling like an idiot when talking about it later is a good indicator that one enjoyed the activity being mentioned and i've been doing a lot of smiling after some fun stuff that's been going on in the bedroom lol!

But can i just put out a quick suggestion to fellow subs and say that it's never in your best interest to say anything along the lines of the following... "Either i have gotten used to Your spankings, Madam or You aren't hitting as hard as You used to." Not in your best interest, i do not suggest that one ever say that their Domme is not hitting "hard enough"... Especially when the answer you get is " No slut, i'm hitting you harder than before" accented with a look that tells me that was not the best i could have said. But those who know me will know that i do not have a filter at times. That, i believe is why got a spanking that had tears welling up in my eyes a bit last night. :) As well as other delicious things!


The only thing worse a sub could do would be to say they want to be used without being allowed to orgasm themselves for days possibly.... but we won't say that!

Struggling

Lately i have been struggling on how to balance work and my submission. i realize that submitting isn't really what you do but about a frame of mind. Madam has finished revamping Her rules and such so i'm hoping that having Her control me more will help me settle down. But most days i just feel like i only have the energy for one or the other and i don't know how to split my mental and physical energies between work and Madam.

i have a hard time coming home from work and just shutting off that aspect of life. i am a nurse in a dementia unit in a care home. i am constantly telling people (mostly the residents) what to do, how to do it and why i want them to do it....repeatedly. It can be emotionally draining. Add to that the fact that i get to thinking about how this is going to be Madam and/or i when we get old. And things happen that i need to vent about and i forget to ask Lee about Her day before doing so.

As much as i know that Lee doesn't mind hearing about my day i feel it is disrespectful to come home and unload my baggage on Her.

If anyone has any tips on balancing submission and work please please please send them my way, i would be forever grateful.

On a happier note, i re-arranged our living room the other day and it turned out fabulous! We now have more distinct office and lounging areas. Also, i think our hunt for a kitchen table and chairs may be drawing to a close. We have found a second hand one online that sounds promising, the only drawback is that it only has two chairs and we wanted 4 for when we have company over for a meal. But we shouldn't have too much of a problem getting 2 more we don't think. So, hopefully one day this week our kitchen will finally look and feel complete.

i didn't realize how much i have miss our "sexy" time

The last two nights have been wonderful. Madam and i haven’t had much time together lately because i worked a lot, 6 out of 7 days and all but one were evenings, which means that by the time i get home at 12:15 or so Lee is in bed. Soooo, Tuesday and Wednesday we had to play catch up, if you know what i mean!!!

Tuesday was a busy day getting caught up on errands and starting on tidying up the apartment for Wednesday. In the evening, we went to the Sagacity gathering, which we were later getting to than we wanted because Lee decided to play with the massage setting on the shower head!! It had been a long day so “play” was supposed to be just a bit of a bare hand spanking but i was feeling feisty and we ended up wrestling and turned it into a light take down scene that was yum-yum-yummy!

Wednesday was supposed to start out with us going to the community center to go to the gym and yoga but we decided to stay in bed and have a private work-out, if you catch my drift!! At about quarter to one we finally got out of bed and i made us some bacon and eggs for what i guess was technically lunch at that point then the dinner and apartment preparations began in earnest. i had a friend coming for dinner that i hadn’t seen in over a year. She called about 15 minutes before she was supposed to arrive and said that she was going to be about 2 hours late. This gave Lee and i time for another romp since she was conveniently already in the bedroom. Wednesday night after my friend left i got a delightful beating and fucking. i won’t go into all the details but it ended with me on my back with my knees up to my chest while Madam pulled me by the collar head towards her, think ab crunches and you kinda get the picture. This had a wonderful twofold sensation of adding the internal push on my g-spot moving it into a more accessible spot for the dildo to get as well as the feeling of being held/forced to hold the position. It was both sexually and emotionally so intense that after cumming when ordered to i began to cry.

i would just like to say that i’m sure that i have the best Domme when it comes to aftercare (as well as many other things)! She holds me, pets the bridge of my nose and tells me what a good girl i was, how much she loves me and all sorts of other wonderful things. She tells me to let it out when cry and holds me the whole time. If She has a shirt on, She pulls it off so i can have the skin-on-skin contact that makes me feel so close and warms me up. i don’t know how She does it but She seems to know just what i need at that moment.

Lee has finished making our new rules, rituals and protocols so as soon as we have time to go over them i will get them posted, hopefully this weekend.

Well, i know this is a bit shorter than usual but i have stuff that i need to get going on so it’ll have to do. We are going to the opera tonight, the last show in our season tickets :( and i need go get a pair of scrub pants to go with the top Lee bought me on Tuesday. And i have an apartment that has been sorely neglected so i best catch up on a few chores. Plus i wanted to organize and make a list of what’s in the emergency kit so we can top up what ever is low/missing. Oh and i wanted to pull out my spring/summer clothes, i’m hoping that’ll induce spring to come and actually stay. And i was hoping to get my hiking boots cleaned and waxed…. Somehow i don’t think all of that is happening today.

Evaluation of Life

First of all i want to say that i am a very lucky girl. Yesterday Madam gave me a Easter egg hunt!! A few weeks ago i had mentioned in passing that i wanted one, only half seriously and not thinking that She would but She did! Thank you Madam, you are the greatest!!!

Now on to more serious talk.
The last month or so i have been working, which has changed a few things in our relationship: we don’t have as much time together, my hip and knee hurts more often so it’s harder to serve/play and chores are being neglected and i’m asking for Lee’s help with them more than i used to.

How have these changes affected us?
Well, i think that having time apart is a good thing, it hasn't increased my alone time any (except bus rides but i don’t really count those) but it has increased Lee’s alone time which i think is great for Her. She needs time to do Her own things.

my hip and knee hurting has impacted service and play. i can’t kneel for nearly as long or as often as i’d like. And getting up is anything but graceful. i've also been suffering from very itchy skin in the last couple of weeks. The play itself doesn't tend to aggravate my sore areas or itchiness but i do find i’m distracted by the pain and/or itching and therefore not fully “with” Madam when we do play. Because of mostly these two things we haven’t really had a full “scene” in i think close to a month, maybe even a bit longer. i miss playing desperately and even though we still cuddle and are close in other ways i don’t feel like i have that connection that we get after a good scene. i know, i know, some of you may be thinking, a month, she’s complaining that she hasn't played in a month?!? Yes, yes i am. We have both said in the past that regular play is important to us to keep us connected and close.

Our home isn't in the condition that i would like it to be. That isn't only because of work though, i have been feeling a tab bit lazy and unmotivated as of late but i’m not entirely sure why. i try to pre-plan when i’m going to do my non-daily chores but it always seems to get screwed up with calls from work. Then the chore(s) that were supposed to be done that day aren't so then i have to do them the next day which back up the next group of stuff and creates a domino effect affecting the whole rest of the schedule. And on my days off i feel overwhelmed with the prospect of trying to catch up and usually avoid doing much of anything.

And i would like to be working more to try to bring in more money so we can work at paying down our debts and start saving to one day buy a house and maybe have a child. But the thought of that makes me worry about how i’d ever keep up. When i was single i never worried about how working full time kept me from getting my house work or anything else done. But i guess then i didn't have to factor in down time with my partner, play time, and the extra chores that having another person makes (you wouldn't think it’s much but it is-the bathroom gets dirty twice as fast, there’s almost double the laundry and dishes, etc.)

i think i need to get better at managing my time, i think i’m wasting too much of my time being unproductive (especially in the mornings). i need to use the time i have more efficiently.

i kind of feel like most of the D/s and kink has disappeared from our relationship and lives as of late. i’m mad that i have let it drift away. i want it back. i want to feel Lee’s influence in my actions. i want Her rules and punishment for infractions. i crave Her hand around my neck and Her eyes staring into mine demanding my obedience and submission.

30 Days of Kink-Day 12

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you've had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny. i’m not sure if i have talked about this scene before, i think i have but it was funny and it fits here so i’m going to tell it again. It was near the beginning of our D/s relationship. i was topping Madam in an interrogation scene. i went to sit on the desk but it wasn't meant for my weight i guess and it literally broke in two sending me as well as the glass of water, desk lamp and a few other various props crashing to the floor. i picked myself up off the floor, unplugged the lamp and untied Madam. We cleaned up the broken glass, water and props while laughing our asses off. After clean up was finished we both agreed that the mood had changed too much and trying to pick up the scene just wouldn't work so we left the rest of the mess and went to cuddle, talk and laugh about what happened. Madam was able to repair her desk and it sits in our living room, reminding us about that night. To this day, we still laugh about what happened.

Finally, time to write!!!

So i finally have a few minutes to write so i thought i'd better take advantage of them seeing as how my supervisor already called me and asked if i could potentially work tomorrow and Saturday evenings. The job is going ok, i still don't really enjoy what i'm doing but the staff and residents are pretty cool so that kinda makes up for it i guess. i went out with some of the women i went to school with last week, most of them are working in the two main hospitals and it sounds like they are doing much more interesting stuff than i am but the money is nice to have no matter where it's coming from. Chores have definitely been suffering though, which i feel bad about but i worked 4 shifts in eight days and with a commute time of almost an hour and a half each way i have much less time to get stuff done. For example, if i work the 0700-1500 (3pm) shift, i leave the house at 0545 and get home at the earliest at 1630 (4:30pm), usually closer to 1700 (5pm). And when i do get home i’m tired. Yes, for the most part all i do is hand out medications but that isn't quite all. i am on the move pretty much all day. Of an eight hour shift i maybe spend only 1-1.5 hours either standing still or sitting, including my break. i’m still not used to that, it’s been six months since i have had to do that. For the last couple of days i have been trying to learn some Spanish since one of the residents only speaks Spanish, and she’s blind so i can’t even gesture and point, and i feel really bad that i cannot communicate with her. Okay, enough about work, on to more interesting stuff! Lee presented me with Her behaviour modification plan for me last night. She says it still needs a bit of fine tuning before it’s instituted it but i’m glad that She has gotten this far on it and it sounds very promising. Lee is planning on making a page here about the plan She has written so watch for that coming soon and when She does please send Her a comment telling Her what a great job She did! (help me out with some positive reinforcement guys LOL) We also took a look at the list of rules that were made in the beginning of our D/s journey and did some serious revisions to them. More than half of them have been cut out. Things that we felt we didn't need rules for, for example that i could tell Madam that i love Her when ever i want to got cut. We also realized that the first rule (that i submit to Madam’s will) addressed a lot of the other rules, making the vast majority of them redundant so we only left the ones that addressed specific things that She/we felt were important enough to reiterate. There were also a couple of rules that got the axe because She had originally thought they were something that we wanted but now realize that they don’t work for us, for example the rule about me saying i love You when ever i leave Madam’s presence was starting to make the phrase loose some weight (both of us felt this way and obviously neither of us obviously want) and the rule about me encouraging Madam to write, well that never happened even once. Once the rules are fine tuned i will post them and you can let us know what you think of the update! i am happy to see that Madam has been putting so much effort into becoming more of the leader around here. i know that i have work to do on being more submissive. i’m hoping that with the new behaviour plan and revamping the rules so that they are more “Her/us” that i will be directed down that path. The biggest thing i need to work on is my control issues. i am such a control freak and when things don’t go the way i want or expect i can get very upset. i don’t want to turn my issue into Her problem but i do suspect that part of the reason that i have a hard time giving up control is that i didn't think She could manage it very well which is why i’m so excited to see that She has taken this step, it shows me that She can take charge of a situation. Now i just need Her to stop asking for my opinion so often. Give it time elle, lol! It takes time to develop new habits and that is exactly what this is for both of us. Oh the journey, gotta love it!!

Hello!

Sorry that i haven't been posting much lately. i have been working and plagued by headaches that keep me from doing much of anything. Because of that when i have time and am feeling well i have to get caught up on chores and such cause our place is definitely looking a bit neglected! i promise to try to get something up here in the next few days... and i'm trying to convince Madam to post more often too.

Lost and confused

For the past two weeks we have been living in a minimized 24/7 D/s dynamic to give us a chance to focus on a few rituals and rules. The idea was to take a step back so we could work slowly into this way of living over jumping in with both feet first as we did initially.

The relaxed dynamic has both been good, and not so good. When we decided on this route, I knew I had a lot of learning and personal growth do to before I could realistically take on the full responsibility of being elle's Domme. I need to work on My assertiveness, My leadership skills, and My ability to influence elle to name a few. I have been reading books to help Me on My journey and they are quite interesting, but I wouldn't say I have truly learned anything of use in the short term. I know it all takes time, but the longer it takes the less I feel I have any control over elle. At least while we were going full board she did try to be on the journey with Me, now I feel more like I am running a three-legged race alone.

I know a big issue with our dynamic comes from My lack of assertiveness and really showing her I'm in control, hence the books, etc., but elle also has a hard time giving up power, giving up control, and being a perfectionist. I don't feel she is trying to improve upon herself. Instead I feel she is just leaving it up to Me to figure out how to take the power and control and make...MAKE...her submit. she tells Me over and over that she really wants to submit to Me and I do believe her, yet in general lately I don't see signs of this. There is one place where elle is really a great submissive and that is at the weekly munch. Sadly though she isn't submissive at these meetings because of My dominance. No, she is submissive at these meeting so she won't embarrass Me or have anyone think that I can't control her. To me that pretty much shows how little I do control her. People there see this and see her proudly wearing her collar but I feel it isn't really us and anyone who was a fly on the wall for a day would see just how Domme-less I really am.

At home she is sarcastically mouthy, bratty with playfulness, and listening less and less to any attempt I make at dominance. It is so frustrating because as her partner I love her "attitude" but as her Domme it's like a big neon sign that flashes in front of My face that says "You can't control me!" I'm at a loss for what to do. She won't submit without My making her with My dominance and I can't dominate without her giving Me submission. We were supposed to talk about all this on My work weekend, but we haven't had a chance to yet and now that I'm here thinking this over I'm just not sure what the next step is. I do know, we won't be adding any new rules or rituals yet as we had hoped to be able to do this week. We can't even manage the few that we have.

elle I love you so much and I really do want this dynamic to work and just flow freely from each of us, but it is not quite headed in the right direction yet. I know we will get there. Each day though that I feel my control become less I grow more paranoid that the next upset is right around the corner and you won't want me ever again as your Domme. What do I need to do?