It Hurts to Breathe

The last few months have seen us heading into a tail spin within our marriage. We have fought almost continually over everything and nothing. My anxiety has taken up permanent residence it seems and likes to make its presence known day in and day out. There has been a lot of stress and unfortunately we allowed it to effect and pile up on Kahwaii's shoulders. She took on the blame and guilt of our issues when it is not hers to have.

Before we started dating her, she saw our relationship from the outside and what she saw was a great connection, lots of love and happiness (all true). We tried to keep our issues to ourselves as they don't need public airing. Unfortunately, this gave her the impression that the problems she was suddenly seeing were new and only started due to her presence rather than understanding that we let her see us in the raw and the raw isn't always pretty. Our 'perfect marriage' wasn't quite so perfect, however, our foundation is strong. We've let a lot pile up on it though, allowing our problems to weigh us down and feel unstable. We forgot how well we work as a team. We forgot to communicate when issues were just starting.

We have spent the past three weeks basically talking from the time I get home from work until it's time to sleep. We are talking about everything - good, bad and ugly. We are taking an honest look at ourselves, each other and our relationship. Some of it is hard to say, some hard to admit. Who wants to admit that they have made some fundamental mistakes. Which I have made.

I have been trying to keep elle in a good place throughout our relationship because I've wanted to avoid conflict and protect her. I've wanted to ease her internal struggles and her fear of abandonment. I've wanted to keep our life at peace whenever possible. I've done it in the wrong way. I've done it at the sacrifice of myself at times. I've done it and harmed her in the process. This created an environment that harmed Kahwaii as well.

Having BPD leads elle to have swinging emotions and to see the world in black and white. Rage can come on quickly and out of the blue. Instead of facing this head on most of the time, my actions or inactions gave her BPD an environment in which to grow. In essence, by avoiding conflict I only created more. I thought I was protecting elle when in reality I was harming her/us by not giving her the chance to learn to control and cope with the symptoms of BPD. I have claimed to be Master but I have not mastered my urge to 'save' her at all costs.

Kahwaii thinks she is responsible for our conflict; in part she is, but not in the negative way she thinks. Until she entered the picture and I started seeing the effect everything was having on her, I was mostly blind to the effect everything was having on elle and I. Suddenly someone else that I love and also want to protect at all costs, was being harmed by the way I have tried to protect elle. That was a really big mind fuck. It caused elle and I to fight more because I started to panic. I started to see where our life was headed; I started to admit to myself how I have been feeling; I wanted to change everything NOW.

It took a number of months of this, far too many, to get to the point where I was about to implode. I love them both, I want them both, they both add so much to my life, but I felt I was losing both of them and wasn't keeping my head above water anymore. So, just over three weeks back, the three of us got together for a discussion and I said that I wanted to take a short break from actively seeing Kahwaii so elle and I could take some time to focus on our issues, dig into them and get an idea of what we could do to fix things. Believe me, in no way did I actually want this break. Three weeks without seeing or talking to Kahwaii was not going to be easy.

elle and I started talking and talking and talking. We are never going to be perfect and we will continue to fight (hopefully a lot less) but much has been said and agreed upon, changes discussed and it seems we are taking more steps forward than steps back. Things around here feel more positive. After two weeks without Kahwaii we saw her at the bar, spent some time together, and I made a decision that hurt elle and put us back a step. It took a few days but we recovered, talked more and were exited for the third week to end so we could get back to seeing Kahwaii.

Sadly, Kahwaii came to the conclusion that she was doing us harm and could not stay with us only to break us apart. Her feelings are valid because that is truly how she feels, but she is mistaken in thinking she is the cause of our problems. In truth, she has helped our marriage tremendously, she has done amazing things for my confidence and self worth, and she has filled needs for elle that I was doing poorly with.

I have a connection with Kahwaii that I can't explain. elle says that we have intense energy between us and when we are together the rest of the world disappears; I would have to agree to some extent. The scary part of that is when elle has seen this, is when Kahwaii and I have pulled back from each other to try to minimize this effect. I don't want to lose that with her.

I want her to understand she was NEVER the problem and see that when you shake elle and I to the core, our foundation is standing strong. I want her to see that she has opened our eyes and pushed us to face our problems head on because of how they have started affecting those around us. I want her to recognize all the wonderful things she brought to both elle and I and focus on that rather than the negative. I want her to know that we have not stopped missing her, thinking about her or wanting her back. elle and I have work to do and always will, but things are changing. I intend to keep it that way.
Will I have a chance to feel that energy with Kahwaii again? I certainly hope so. I don't feel like our story is over yet. I love both of them with all my heart.

"Maybe it won't work out. But maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever."

On Shaky Ground

Things haven't been going so great lately. Our relationship between Master and i as well as with Kahwaii has taken a few major hits lately and we are all suffering because of them. Master has a few ideas on how She wants to fix them. One of the ideas i disagree with and the other i agree with but am embarrassed by it. i'm not going to share them until after we have a chance to talk to Kahwaii about them, which we are planning on doing this evening.

In my opinion, it was all starting to brew just below the surface for a while before we went to Kahwaii's cabin at the beginning of last month but things happened while we were there that i believe never got fully resolved which compounded the earlier problems and they've all been escalating ever since. The security of our relationship feels like it is resting on a very thin line.

my jealousy over the connection that Master and Kahwaii have is my biggest problem i believe. i'm not sure why i am jealous now because in the beginning i was not at all jealous. In fact, it was quite the opposite, i craved to see them develop a bond together and i was concerned that Master would have a hard time seeing me with someone else. i don't know what made the switch flip. i think it's because Kahwaii and i don't connect the same way that she does with Master. We connect sexually but because of the nature of our relationship we have sex very infrequently. i really wish that it was more often because i feel so much closer to her afterwards, even if its not sex per say even when she and i make out and definitely after she has beat on me.

i have been having some fairly wild emotional mood swings and have been changing my opinion/view on topics (because of the swinging emotions) a lot lately. My BPD (borderline personality disorder) seems to be rearing it's ugly head more as of late. This morning i even suggested that i try re-upping my one medication that we had reduced a few months ago to see if that will help. Master and i even briefly talked about going to talk to someone together but we decided that we don't feel like teaching someone about our style of relationship and even then the person may not understand enough to be effective in helping us navigate some fairly unique relationship problems. And since i already have more than maxed out my portion of my insurance coverage for psych we cant really afford it anyways. So we are going to try to work things out on our own.

What do we need to work on exactly? i need to work on being more obedient and less headstrong. i am a very strong willed person and when i believe in something i will fight for it tooth and nail. i also need to work on getting my BPD under control again and try to see the grey areas in between the black and white that i tend to see. For example, to me, you either love or hate, nothing more, nothing less, simple as that. My mental health being unstable creates and exacerbates so many problems. i believe it is at the root of my jealousy issues and if i can figure out just what would be causing it maybe i can work with my psychologist to correct it. In my opinion Master needs to work on Her consistency with enforcing the rules and slowly but steadily upping Her authority in more and more of my life.

Life is about to get busy. Next week Master's Mom will be here for 5 days plus one of my stepsisters is getting married just after Mom leaves. As well, i have just started a new casual job, i haven't even had my first shift yet but once i do i imagine i will get a bit busier with that too. i'm not sure when Master and i are going to find time to work on our relationship but we need to make it a priority, much more so than we have been in the last while.

The Stranger Inside

I feel like I am becoming a stranger. I used to be pretty laid back, very slow to anger and quick to forgive and move on. I felt fairly stable emotionally and like I could remain strong to support elle. Of course, I had my bad days when I just wanted to hide out in a dark room, let the day pass and probably feel better tomorrow. These days, I want that dark room more and more and I know tomorrow will be more of the same.

Ever have a rough night of sleep where you wake up feeling just as tired as when you went to bed? You drag your ass around all day trying to get through work and life so you can fall into your bed as soon as possible and let the sandman take you. Ever have two nights in a row? What about a few weeks? Couple months? Years? Sleep starts to feel pretty pointless when it does nothing to rejuvenate your mind and body for the next day.

I've been doing this for years now. Trying different medications to see what will work but in the end nothing has helped with my awake hours. Sure pills make me fall asleep, even sleep mostly through the night sometimes, but I still wake up feeling as if I had laid down for only five minutes. I feel physically exhausted all the time. My body feels so heavy. It takes so much effort to put one foot in front of the other, to eat, to coordinate my hands to work. It takes effort to breath because I feel like a weight is on my chest, to keep my head held up, to keep my eyes open.

Mentally, I am not myself. I am often on the verge of tears (and fight them off because I am generally at work); I can not concentrate or focus and I know I am making mistakes; my memory is pretty terrible and I forget words a fair bit. I am quite quick to anger and try really hard not to let it out because I know I am also overreacting. I have lost my patience and get frustrated very easily. I have murderous thoughts of jumping over my cubicle wall and smashing the guy sitting there with his keyboard if he tap, tap, taps it one more time! I think the last month is the worst that this has been so far.

I know this is hard on elle because she wants to help, but can't, and I'm sure she is seeing the stranger than I am feeling. This isn't who she married and this isn't who I want Kahwaii to know.

What if this is me now though?

Getting my Tattoo Done

In less than 48 hours i will be getting my tattoo done of the bruise on my forearm from being waterboarded at Fall From Grace last summer. i have been waiting for this day to come for many months now. i am slightly concerned about how i will explain it to the vanilla folk, especially my parents as i’m sure that at least my mother will ask prying questions and simple vague answers will not suffice. i plan on telling people that it’s my version of the semicolon, i’m bruised but not broken kind of idea. So far the few vanilla people that i told that i’m getting it done and explained why have taken my explanation without question so maybe it will work. If it looks real enough maybe people won’t even think to ask as they will just think that i have a bruise. i have been going back and forth about where exactly on my arm to get it done. If i get it up a bit from where it was actually when it was a real bruise then i will be able to cover it with a ¾ length shirt if/when needed. The whole point of getting it though is to replicate the exact bruise that i received and i don’t know if moving it will change how i feel about it. i think that i will end up getting it in the same place as it was originally and just wear full length shirts when it needs to be covered up.

Short and sweet today, just wanted to quickly touch base and say hi!

What It Feels Like to Fall - My Top Drop

elle has asked me to write about Top drop for her submissive's group, so I figured I would try to get my thoughts out here since I had some this week.

We had a great weekend and ended up having an amazing, intense, unplanned scene with Kahwaii. Our first time playing with her and it was like we'd been doing so for ages. It was kind of weird how in tune we were with our energy, rhythm, highs and lows opposite to keep the intensity up and that we could communicate without a word spoken. We pushed each other to give more and in turn pushed elle to take more. elle came out of it with bruises nearly everywhere and a lot more floaty than I've managed to get her in sometime.

I came out of it pretty high myself. Then I crashed. Sunday afternoon we didn't really have time to process because we were busy seeing family - bowling for our nephew's birthday and dinner with grandparents in the middle of which a huge ball of anxiety filled my belly. Sitting at the dinner table, half way through eating, and my stomach was suddenly in my throat, heart pounding, body shaking (luckily only noticeable to me). I've been getting this feeling a lot lately though, so it's definitely not all drop.

Usually my drop revolves more around feeling guilty for beating on my wife...it's my wife, not slave, that is covered in bruises while I am feeling guilty. I start to worry that I went too far, or let it go too far with someone else. Did I miss a look, a sound, a twitch that meant she was done but I kept going? Did her cries of no more, actually mean no more this time even though no doesn't mean no? Did I let my high interfere with keeping her safe? Did I harm rather than hurt her? And on and on and on. My brain can't just see the bruises, see the smile and accept that it's all good. Not for a day or two at least.

Maybe that's why I like the fight back. If I end up hurting in someway then I'm reminded that it was consensual. I can move my arm and feel the ache of bruises and be brought out of my head enough to at least briefly see the smile and remember the glazed, floaty look she had. I can poke the bruises, hear the sharp intake of breath (good they still hurt) and be asked 'what was that for?' I almost always answer 'love' and it reminds me that it really was for love.

I don't get drop every time or even most times. It really depends on what was done to her, what marks she has after, how intense it was and where my head already is in it's cycle of self doubt and insecurity. Like I said, I am having a lot of anxiety lately (or at least what I am calling anxiety because I don't have a better word), so this week drop is combined with that to become overwhelming and nauseating. Monday I could barely get through work with the sick feeling of my stomach in my throat, really bad internal shakes, heart pounding like it was going to bust through my chest and an inability to eat until dinner.

Tuesday was when all the stuff in my head started to make noise. Guilt, doubt, insecurity, 'proof' of all that I was telling myself. It got to the point where I was nearly making myself cry at my desk and I felt like I could barely breathe. It was really hard getting out of my head, even when Kahwaii was here. I just kept falling back in.

When I am dropping, I need to be reassured that everything was enjoyed, it didn't go too far, the pain is a wonderful reminder of a great time, and the marks are desired and loved. I need to be cuddled and snuggled, to be close and see that my touches aren't going to make her flinch and cower in just regular togetherness. I need to be checked in on/with and told, without asking, that she enjoyed it and is looking forward to more. Basically, I just need to be reassured that I'm not an awful person for hurting her and getting off on it.

Chocolate helps too!

After a few days, I come out of it and can see the beauty in the bruises, remember the sounds of enjoyment as it was happening, and hear the pleasure in her voice when I poke at the marks.

Not many people seem to admit they've experienced Top drop. Whether they really haven't or it's to keep up the tough Domly Dominess, I don't know. Maybe they just need to handle it on their own, in their own way. If that works for them, great. I already keep too much bottled up and away from most people that I know I need to lean on elle, for both our sakes. Working through drop together, mine and hers, keeps us connected and communicating during a time where it's really easy to get lost inside yourself and spiral down.

Update from last post

Thank you to those who given me their kind words of support and encouragement. This week has been better. i imagine having started therapy, the medication onboard and less work stress all contributing. i fully disclosed my relationship with Lee and my psychologist, whom i will refer to as Dr. M, is totally cool with it and is even doing some of his own research to further understand kink as i’m his first client that is into it. i kind of get the feeling that he is maybe personally interested from a few of his reactions/responses. Dr. M has gotten Lee’s approval already for recommending an addition to one of our rules to make it clearer.

For some strange reason my calendar is very busy right now even though i should have more time with working less, i've been busy every evening since Monday; tonight (Thursday) i am hosting the Winnipeg Submissives Network, a group i started back in the spring, and then i have stuff going every evening until next Friday! (work and social)

i just wanted to take a minute to give you a quick update and give my thanks, i’ll try to write more soon.

A few quick thoughts on my mental health

I haven’t been doing well lately. my mental health has taken a drastic nose dive. Back in the spring when Master and i decided that we were going to stop trying to have a baby i was doing well. The shit scared-ness of the idea of becoming a parent and the very real threat of postpartum depression was removed, i was relieved. After a short while my mental health fluctuated as i was feeling so many conflicting feelings, guilt primarily. We ended up changing our minds and decided to try once more after a few months of discussion. Enter Fall From Grace and my life affirming experience. i even managed to make it through the news that our sperm had to be returned to the sperm bank and the decision that Lee and i made to call it quits on the baby-making front. But that life affirmed feeling FFG gave me quickly fell off and i began to circle the drain. It began to affect my job and i have gained a significant amount of weight over the summer and fall but primarily since FFG which was August long weekend. Lee and i have hardly played and when we do i can’t take nearly as much pain if it’s not cathartic.

i have taken a temporary reduction in my hours at work and my MD has started me on an another medication on top of the one i’m currently on. i have also started seeing a psychologist with whom i will be doing an intensive group therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy which is basically CBT (cognitive based therapy not cock and balls torture!) with a mindfulness component. It starts next month but the problem is that they hold the group class in a room that is used for a lot of prenatal classes and such so i’m slightly concerned that it will be triggering for me to be in there.

Master and i have been looking at tightening up some of our rules a bit more to help with structure in my life too. i mentioned to Her the other day that i’d like it if we could work on position training again. i think having the positions to work on would help ground/reconnect me on when She’s not home by incorporating it into my day.

Struggling with depression takes all of the drive out of you. You have no desire to do anything; you don’t care what happens around you. Struggling with borderline personality disorder means my emotions are unstable, i’m impulsive and my reactions can be wildly out of proportion.

Lee bears the brunt of my outbursts. She knows that when it happens there is very little that can be done and nothing She will say or do will ever be right but She stays with me and loves me and owns me in spite of all that. She is an amazing and strong woman. Sometimes i wonder if She’s not the crazy one for staying aboard the crazy ride that is elle.

Waterboarding may have just save my life....

NOTE:  i wrote this right after the last post but never published it. i'm not going to reread it or i will start editing it and i want it to remain my original feelings so i apologize if it's not the easiest to read.

So on with the show: Waterboarding may have just save my life....

....And, well, our car breaking down probably contributed too.

That is about the craziest thing that i have ever said and may ever say. Hear me out though.

Backstory...
If you've read much of the blog you know i have chronic depression as well as other stuff. i've talked about it before but short story is i've had depression and borderline personality disorder for over half my life now. i've attempted suicide more than once and been hospitalized about half a dozen times (mostly just short stays). i haven't been actively suicidal for many years now but i still often have days where i wish i would just disappear. i've have told Master before that i were to become ill in a way that could kill me (for example, cancer) i would just let it run it's course and take me though.

Onwards...
Our fourth wedding anniversary was two weekends ago now. We went camping at a provincial park in Ontario about 3 hours from home and had a great time. About an hour and a bit outside the city on our way home the fuel pump in our car suddenly died while i was driving. We were very lucky that it happened where it did because i lost power, which meant no steering or brakes once the engine stopped getting fuel. Had it died about 15-20 minutes earlier the highway that we were on would have been much more dangerous (cliffs and lakes= dangerous place not to be able to stop or direct your car) and rather than a tow truck it could have been an ambulance or hearse picking us up.

Car fixed and off we go to Fall from Grace Friday evening. Saturday afternoon we watched a water torture demo. Afterwards we were talking to the guy who did the demo and i mentioned that i was really interested in trying waterboarding so he offered to do it with Lee. He already had two other people that he was going to do so i had a bit of time to stew in my thoughts. i missed the first one as i went for a walk but watched the person before me, i was nervous but not too scared.

When it was my turn my hands were handcuffed i was tied to a coffee table with my arms overhead one end and my bound feet at the other end. A third person straddled across my midsection to hold me down. The the demo guy held one of Lee's shirts over my face and Master poured a bucket of ice cold water, quarter of a bucket at a time, over my face. She'd pour some, the shirt would be removed, they'd give me a few breaths then do it again. It was one of the scariest feeling that i think i've ever had. immediately after i was probably "suffering from" some sub space energy but i felt happy and grateful to be alive and i felt so full of love for both Her and life in general.  After the subspace wore off and i thought a bit about it i wasn't too sure if i liked it. It's dangerous and kinda scared me. Sunday i watched someone else have it done and at that moment i realized that i loved it cause i was envious of the guy that was being waterboarded.

i have told Mater before that there have been times in our play that She stops just before it gets really intense, that i wish She would push a bit further and make me go to that uncomfortable and sometimes scary place and that's exactly what it felt like and more being waterboarded. The last time they put the cloth back over my head, the guy who was holding it down stood in a way in which i couldn't easily clap (which was my "safeword") and that terrified me almost more than the fear of drowning itself.

In the days following i have had more time to process my thoughts and feelings. Add the close call with the car to the waterboarding and you get one very introspective elle. As i explained to Master, doing the waterboarding made me realize something very valuable. i fought to live, i struggled with every ounce of energy i had to LIVE.With my depression there have been many times where i hoped i would die, begged to die and have actively tried to end my own life so for me struggling and fighting to live has made me really think. i half jokingly told Master that if my depression starts to get bad again to waterboard me and i will feel better instantly.

i'm still processing all of my feeling and we have other big things going on in our lives right now that i don't think i will talk about today

i ended up with a fairly large bruise on my forearm from banging my arms on the table trying to get free and the handcuffs bruised my wrists a bit too. We have documented the bruise as i am considering seeing about getting a tattoo done of it as a lasting reminder that there was a moment where i fought to live, once i can figure out how i would explain that to the vanilla folks in my life.

A Big Decision

Changes are coming in spades at the moment it seems. Earlier this week a rather monumental decision was made. As you all know, we have been trying for the past two years to have a baby. There has been a lot of hope attached to the process and a lot of stress, frustration and fear. Stress of will this be the month to try? If we try will it work? Frustration with the clinic wasting so much of our time as we wait for appointments that they are an hour late for and again the planets not aligning to allow us to try. And fear of what happens if it works. What will change? What will we lose? How much will we struggle financially? How will mental health be affected?

PXS was an amazing experience for us. (Don't worry I'm not actually changing the topic.) We had never been on a real holiday together and having nearly a week where the full focus was pretty much on our Power Exchange was quite an eye opener. The workshops were great, the people wonderful, the realization that we have come so far in the last year and half a high note and then the drop came with the realization it could be many, many years before we are able to go to such a thing again if in the next year we have a baby.

If we have a baby the spontaneous evening of play, pain, fuck, dinner, play, pain, fuck, cake would not be able to happen like that again. We can't ignore our child for hours on end as I make my slave scream in delicious pain and not expect Child and Family Servies to come knocking. Hell it was enough to realize right before the end of a great, kind of loud scene and about ten seconds away from elle orgasming that a police car was sitting in front of our house, lights flashing. Luckily they hadn't come to take me away for beating my slave, but it was still a mood killer. Change that to a baby screaming while elle is screaming and CFS pounding on the door. Play would be out and since a lot of our sex is pretty rough that would be limited too.

Our dynamic has become the foundation for our marriage and we both fear how the addition of a child would affect and change that. Neither of us want the strain on our relationship that would come with very limited ability to continue the rules and protocols that we have while little eyes and ears were around, very limited play, inability to attend conferences out of town, and even just a strain to continue our commitment and dedication to MAsT: Winnipeg.

Not only is the affect to our dynamic of concern because of the fun times but it really helps balance elle's mental health. I'm not just saying we don't want to sacrifice some playtime or change how elle serves me coffee, but it is the structure and release that our dynamic gives to elle that really helps her. After coming back from PXS we both had drop, elle's was quite difficult and took some time to fully come out of. It seemed to be so hard for her in part because she was scared that with daily life and responsibilities back in the picture we would lose some of what we had gained while away. Even just the thought sent her spinning.

We have learned pretty well over the years what makes her mental health worse and what helps. Lack of sleep is not good. One day is manageable but if they start stacking up we both know where that road leads, so we do our best to not let that happen. She has a doctor's note at work so they can't mandate her and really fuck up her sleep; she has a bedtime that we are fairly good at sticking with; I don't have her get up with me in the morning when I think sleep would be more important. It helps. A good sleep for her is probably one of the most effective ways to keep her in a good place. How then would a baby that doesn't sleep through the night for what could be years affect her night after night.

I know sometimes that elle just needs me to back off and give her space; I know that when she is in that place there are sometimes hurtful words and actions that she is not in control of; I know that at that time she needs to see that I'm not going to abandon her; and, I know when she comes back down she needs me more than ever to tell her how much I love her and her home is always with me. Yep, I know all of this. A baby, knows none. A toddler, knows none. A teenager, well that's when we would send them off to boarding school or sell them for medical experiments because they think they know everything.

elle needs peace, structure and to give up control to stay balanced. I need peace, structure and to have control to keep our life balanced. Having a baby would be like adding a ten pound weight to a scale that has feathers on the other side.

If you haven't figured it out yet, we have decided to stop trying to have a baby. Since this decision was made we have both said how much lighter we feel.

Don't get me wrong, before and throughout the process we have both very much wanted a child. I'm sure there will always be a bit of that want left in us. We were trying because we had the best of intentions and had it happened a year ago when we were just starting to really get our M/s feet under us then we would have been thrilled. Now that our M/s is so strong we feel we can't have both. We had to choose and M/s with all of the things that that encompasses for us, is the choice we've made. If we felt we could have both we would. I know this is the right decision for us though.

Mental Health, MAsT, Service and PXS All In One

This is elle writing, i couldn't get the internet on my account to work so i'm using Sir's- hence this post being authored under Her name.

I'm home from work today with some sort of stomach bug so i thought i'd try to write a post even though it's only been a couple of days since the last one.

i seem to get sick a lot, like almost monthly there seems to be something going on. i've read before that people with mental health problems, especially during 'flare-ups', get physically sick more often as well. I would definitely say that i'm having a flare-up now. About two months ago Master and i went to our doctor and asked him to reduce my anti-depressant medication as it seemed like i was feeling very anxious and agitated/on edge all the time. He agreed and also gave me a script for an adjuvant med to try if i found i was getting more depressed. But, i can't take it. It's not recommended if you're pregnant or trying to become pregnant.
For the first couple of weeks after the reduction i was doing okay, more than that i felt emotionally and mentally stable for the first time in a long time. Then i hit the edge of the cliff and for the past six weeks or so i have been more and more depressed. i have begged Sir to let me die more days than not i think and have gone for weeks without having a day that i didn't cry. We have added zinc and magnesium to the concoction of 'happy' pills that i take on a daily basis; omegas, vitamin D, iron and Wellbutrin.
Are they helping? i haven't seen a big change but maybe the frequency of crying has decreased slightly in the last 10 days or so. i don't know how long it would take before either of them are helping. And, yes, i know i should have probably only started one at a time to see which one (if it is only one) that is working but with the way i have been feeling i didn't have the time to do med trials properly, i just need results. Maybe once i have things stabilized again i will remove one and see if there are any changes.

Last night i asked Sir about seeing if some of the T.V. shows that we can't get might be available on iTunes, for example Orange is the New Black. i've heard a lot of talk about this show but i've never seen it. And we can't change our cable because it is provided through our landlord. At one point in the discussion Sir got all excited about seeing all the ladies in their inmate uniforms, and i responded that yes that would be nice but i was interested in seeing the guards. i pointed out how stereotypical of us it is to pick the side we did and we had a good laugh over it.

Last weekend was our monthly MAsT discussion on service. It was supposed to be presented by Master and myself as well as two of the other organizers but one was sick so a friend stepped in at the last moment to help us out. The discussion went well, there was some great conversations. The research and private discussions that Master and i had prior to the group discussion really have made me think about the service i provide Master in our dynamic. We have been reading Real Service by Raven and Joshua which has made me think a lot about the whys and hows of my service. One thing that i've been contemplating is why i enjoy service. In Real Service, it is mentioned that people are drawn to service either for the service itself but more often for the control.  i believe that i enjoy being of service because of both but being under Master's control is usually what attracts me. I do also very much enjoy serving just to see Her happy; i think for most people it's not one or the other which is what i felt they were saying in the book.

We've talked briefly about the level of protocol, rules, etc that Master is expecting for Power eXchange Summit. There will be many more conversations about PXS, especially if we drive. i'm getting so excited and nervous about the whole idea!