The Stranger Inside

I feel like I am becoming a stranger. I used to be pretty laid back, very slow to anger and quick to forgive and move on. I felt fairly stable emotionally and like I could remain strong to support elle. Of course, I had my bad days when I just wanted to hide out in a dark room, let the day pass and probably feel better tomorrow. These days, I want that dark room more and more and I know tomorrow will be more of the same.

Ever have a rough night of sleep where you wake up feeling just as tired as when you went to bed? You drag your ass around all day trying to get through work and life so you can fall into your bed as soon as possible and let the sandman take you. Ever have two nights in a row? What about a few weeks? Couple months? Years? Sleep starts to feel pretty pointless when it does nothing to rejuvenate your mind and body for the next day.

I've been doing this for years now. Trying different medications to see what will work but in the end nothing has helped with my awake hours. Sure pills make me fall asleep, even sleep mostly through the night sometimes, but I still wake up feeling as if I had laid down for only five minutes. I feel physically exhausted all the time. My body feels so heavy. It takes so much effort to put one foot in front of the other, to eat, to coordinate my hands to work. It takes effort to breath because I feel like a weight is on my chest, to keep my head held up, to keep my eyes open.

Mentally, I am not myself. I am often on the verge of tears (and fight them off because I am generally at work); I can not concentrate or focus and I know I am making mistakes; my memory is pretty terrible and I forget words a fair bit. I am quite quick to anger and try really hard not to let it out because I know I am also overreacting. I have lost my patience and get frustrated very easily. I have murderous thoughts of jumping over my cubicle wall and smashing the guy sitting there with his keyboard if he tap, tap, taps it one more time! I think the last month is the worst that this has been so far.

I know this is hard on elle because she wants to help, but can't, and I'm sure she is seeing the stranger than I am feeling. This isn't who she married and this isn't who I want Kahwaii to know.

What if this is me now though?

Let's Cuck

Just a few quick thoughts since I have been very silent here for months!

My sleep deprivation/daytime exhaustion is pretty horrendous again. I am tired all the time and have absolutely no energy and very little interest in doing anything, unfortunately that rather gets in the way of play and sex and life. We have been making a bigger effort to stay focused on day-to-day activities and both of us being more accountable, but I know there are needs of elle's that I am not filling right now. It has gotten to the point where I am feeling a bit more willing to allow her to play with others in order to get what I'm not giving, at the same time though I'm not thrilled with the idea of her having to get her needs filled elsewhere. If it was just about having some fun, it might be a little easier. We haven't actually gone down that road yet, but if this continue as is it will have to become more seriously considered.

We are both leaning more and more towards the idea of cucking. Since coming back from PXS in May and the cucking class they had, we have become much more interested in the idea and more of our sex has involved such fantasy scenarios. How we move from fantasy to reality though, I have no clue. I see the conversation going something like this...

Me: I've been creeping you from that dark corner all night. How about you come back to my place, I tie you up and we have some fun...
Her: Sure that sounds like a great time! (obviously she's had a drink or two, I just told her I've been creeping on her from a dark fucking corner)
Me: Really!? I mean, that's right, it will be a great time. Once I have you helpless, I'll throw you across the bed, wrap my hand around your throat and fuck you to next Monday.
Her: Wow, you're so hot just take me right here. (hmm pliable, drunk girl that wants to do it in the middle of Walmart during a power outage, awesome)
Me: Oh, one thing though, my slave will be locked in her cage in the corner watching everything we do, we will be humiliating and degrading her throughout and if she's been really good, I might let her out to clean up the 'mess.' Sound cool?

So, yeah, I figure I can't fail with how smooth and suave I am with the ladies!

Ok, back to reality.

There's a lot more in my head to write about, but I have come to the end of my available concentration. I'll hopefully be back a lot sooner next time to say more.

Fisting and Rape Play

Play this weekend was fantastic, though it unfortunately didn't start off that way. About ten minutes into our first scene, the leather slapper that I was using wrapped too far around My girl's inner thigh and triggered her. As on a previous occasion she was unable to get out her safe word. She just can't manage to make the word audible when needed, so it took Me about thirty seconds to a minute (I think) to clue in that her crying was not due to the physical pain I was delivering. I stopped immediately to check in and could tell things were not right. She did not move and was just frozen, though crying hard.

I cuddled her and talked to her and eventually she calmed back down. I feel so bad when something like that happens, though accidents obviously do occur. It scares Me that it is now very obvious that when she needs to safe word out she is unable to. After an hour or so of talking and cuddling she seemed free of the trigger. Thankfully no lasting effects this time around. I'm sure it helped that we both knew the next day we had all day together. Once we were calm, in that small little whisper she uses when she is confessing a desire she asked Me to fist her!

We have attempted fisting before and almost gotten there, but this time I made it all the way in and Oh My Goodness! Wow! She was so tight around My fist My fingers were going to sleep. It is quite an amazing feeling and sight to be wrist deep in a tight, wet cunt. That is definitely in the plans to be repeated again and again. Obviously it made her a little tender and say "hell no!" to giving birth, lol. There's some effective birth control for you!

The next day, again in that little whisper elle requested to be raped while she was sore and to be pushed in ways until she begged Me to stop. So later that night we played. After a pretty good struggle that landed Me with some good marks from her :) I managed to get her tied down to the bed. I used her sore hole pretty well, but didn't want to cause too much trauma. She very much does not like when I go down on her, but at the same time wants to learn to tolerate it for My enjoyment so I took this as the perfect opportunity to rape her in a more psychological way and push her limits, while still using My cock in her. It didn't take long for her body to betray her and after forcing an extended clitoral orgasm she was able to use her signal to tell Me she had enough (she was gagged so begging wasn't exactly possible.) During aftercare one of our cats laid down on her stomach and almost instantly she seemed much calmer. Kitty cuddles are very relaxing.

All in all it was a great weekend of playing and reconnecting, even with the stumble of triggering her.

On another note, I seem to be sleeping better. The last few nights, I've had a sleep CD playing during the night. It apparently activates the brainwaves that are supposed to help you fall asleep and stay asleep. So far I think it is going all right and yesterday the wall of exhaustion did not make an appearance, even after hours of housework, today it's still to be seen. I'm feeling very good after the weekend.

Sleep Deprived

I am a terrible sleeper. I have a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep. I rarely wake up feeling rested and usually at some point during the day I hit a wall of utter exhaustion where I just want to close My eyes, and if I do it is very difficult to find the strength to open them again or get up off the couch. If I give in and take a planned half hour nap it turns into two hours where I am still sluggish and groggy; it takes much force to make Myself get up during any of this. I feel I am close to that wall right now. I take pills every night to help, which is not good. The only good thing, they aren't addictive sleep aids. I choose between melatonin pills and a prescribed anti depressant (for sleep). Both seem to help minimally, at best, and long term use of anything just ends up making the issue worse. I don't know what I can do to finally get a good nights sleep every night, but it is affecting our playtime.

Last Friday we were supposed to play, to get into a routine of playing again, but I was so tired that we didn't and still haven't. I was really wanting to just push through and play anyway, but for the safety of My girl obviously I can't do that. It wasn't the first time my tiredness has gotten in the way, but it really upset Me. elle was very good of course, told Me it was all right and held Me in her arms as I cried in frustration. I don't want to get her hopes up by scheduling playtimes only to cancel them, but I don't want a month to go by before we play again either. Maybe tomorrow will be our chance...except elle is possibly having a root canal and I don't imagine that pain will get her going. Hopefully she won't actually need to have it done.

I have been sleep deprived for years. Anyone have any good tricks for falling asleep?