Breaking Down Walls and Getting Over Jealousy

As anyone who is close to me can attest to, i have some pretty high and thick walls that surround me.
Why do i put up walls? i guess in a sense it's a control thing. The less someone knows about me the less they have to use to hurt me. There are many reasons for the walls, there are two big ones though. The first being that i grew up with two alcoholic parents. They were not abusive in a traditional sense but let's just say that i took care of my sister a lot when we were young. The second reason is that my last girlfriend before Lee was verbally and emotionally abusive. She would call me crazy, stupid or other names, she would threaten me and used the removal of affection and emotional detachment as ways to "punish" me if i had been "bad" (not that we used those words though). my mental health struggles also make me scared to let people in. i'm scared that if someone sees the real crazy in me they will get scared off themselves. i have a huge fear of abandonment so rather than be abandoned, i have a habit of just not letting people in and/or pushing them away. i think another fear i have is doing or saying something to jeopardize the relationship Master has with Kahwaii. Another piece in the problem pie is that i have viewed needing help as a sign of weakness and that being offered help was a way of the other person telling me that they thought that i was weak.

i have a have a hard time knocking down those walls to let people in and get close to me; they end up having to climb over them instead. This is not good for anybody to do but especially in a budding D/s relationship it is really not good. But that is what i have been doing to Kahwaii. Last night, we (all three of us) had a conversation about where things between her and i are going among other things. We have decided that we are going to pursue a D/s dynamic. The details of what rules and protocols weren't discussed much other than that i will be punished if she tells me to do something and i don't (which happened last week and is part of what spurred this conversation). She also wants me to check in via text with her more often; she had said not necessarily every day but i think i will try to do it daily just to keep in the habit of it. i had already started serving her drinks and such like i do with Master and since she enjoys it i will continue to do it. She also already punishes me for biting my nails by moving stuff around in my kitchen. So there are a few things we do. i think some sort of greeting ritual could be beneficial, kind of like having the mantra i say with Master which we both find very centering. Master also mentioned that She is thinking that Kahwaii will be in charge of enforcing Master's rules for me when it's just Kahwaii and i.

So how do i go about letting Kahwaii in without making her climb over my walls? Surely now that i/we have acknowledged that they exist it should be easier to knock them down, that seems to me to be the first step in the process. So what is next? i think i need to talk to her about my past more. Maybe if i open up about the two issues that i've already mentioned plus all the other shit that has happened in my life maybe then she will understand where i come from a bit more. Plus, i need to be honest about my feelings and worries, which up till now i haven't been so great at. i believe that Kahwaii has earned my trust and i need to reciprocate by opening up. She has demonstrated to me that she doesn't plan on leaving nor will she intentionally harm me. i need to surrender myself to her.

Two weekends ago was Pride here. Kahwaii had mentioned that she didn't have anything rainbow to wear to Pride. So Master and i went to see if we could find something for her at the Pride market on the Saturday. We were unsuccessful so after the parade on Sunday we went back to look in the market again and found a bracelet that we decided to get her. After the festival we all came back to the house and long story short Master gave the bracelet to Kahwaii without me. She was under the impression that the bracelet was a gift from Her while i thought it was from us. i got upset a few days later when i saw Kahwaii wearing it. It brought out feelings of jealousy in two ways i now realize after talking to my psychologist about the situation. The first is the one that i had already considered. i was jealous of Master getting to give Kahwaii a gift and jealous of Kahwaii for getting something when i hadn't, especially because i thought that Master had gone back to get me one too when She went to get us food. i thought i had worked them out until yesterday when Master was the one to give Kahwaii the small gift we brought her back from our trip and it re-opened the flood gate of jealous feelings.

To Kahwaii: You were right last night when you said that we have to make what we have work as far as our poly dynamic goes. i think if we can make the cucking work for all of us the dynamic between you and i will grow so much stronger; our power exchange will only strengthen. i'm beyond thrilled that you have agreed to try cucking me. You will make such a beautiful cuckcake! You were also right when you said that i thrive on routine and structure. So that means i need you to enforce the rules and protocols that you decide on and to keep me in line if my "toppy" play is getting to be too much. In serving and obeying you i not only make you happy but i make myself happy too. i hate that i made you mad by disobeying what you told me to do and will take what ever punishment you decide is warranted. i am sorry. i am also sorry that i was trying to hide my feelings from you, especially jealousy about the bracelet that Master gave you.

My Take On Stuff and Things and a Bit More On Cucking

This may be a bit short as i have a dental appointment in a a few hours that i need to get myself ready for soon but i really wanted to get my feelings out while they were fresh on my mind.

i titled this my take on stuff and things because i don't know what stuff and things means to Kahwaii, in all honesty i don't fully know what it means to Master either. i've been struggling with what stuff and things means to myself and after talking with our Leather family and Master i think i have a bit of a better understanding on what it means to me. i imagine that it will evolve and in time i might have to re-evaluate what stuff and things means but for now here's what stuff and things means to me.

i care deeply for Kahwaii. When she's not around i miss her and wish that i were with her. i think about her from time to time and wonder what she is doing. i wonder if she's thinking about me. When she is around i want to be close to her. i want to touch her, kiss her and do sexy things with her. i immensely enjoy our sex and crave feeling her hands on every inch of my body. But i also enjoy just sitting with her and talking, finding out more about her. When she laughs, it makes me happy. When she is upset or crying i just want to hold her and make her feel better how ever it may need to be done. i want to learn more about her, what makes her tick.

i wish that i knew exactly what stuff and things means to Kawhaii. Part of my mental illness struggle is that my thinking tends to be very black and white so i have a hard time the grey areas, the unknown. Our Leather family was trying to re-assure me that stuff and things doesn't necessarily mean the big L word but it has a meaning to her, if it's not the big L word then what is it? That's where my head goes at least and it's damn near impossible to stop the thoughts.

i am most definitely not ready for saying the big L word, i don't think that will happen any time soon. i'm just not there yet. Maybe one day but at this point to be honest i'm not sure that i want that to happen. So what exactly does that mean for stuff and things for me? Who the fuck knows.

i strongly believe if Master and Kahwaii were to have a "deeper" relationship than Kahwaii and i that i would be okay with that. To me i think that that is closer to the type of poly that i had envisioned, along the lines of cucking. The version of poly that Master and i had always talked about was more of a V-style relationship with Her as the fulcrum and the other woman and i having only sexual contact for Master's pleasure/entertainment and the two of them cucking me occasionally (or more). Our relationship with Kahwaii is definitely a triangle, all of us are in a relationship fully with each other. The triangle arrangement could still work for some sexual cucking but Kahwaii is incredibly scared of coming between Master and i. i don't think she realizes how much i'm into humiliation and degradation play. i think she thinks about it from her point of view of not wanting to have that done to her rather than seeing what appeals to me about it. But i like the feeling of being made to feel insignificant, it's the emotional masochist in me i guess. i also like that it reinforces our M/s dynamic by demonstrating how much power Master has to be able to say such "awful" things to me. It clearly shows me that i am owned property.

For example, last night Master and i role played last night about me being another woman, someone from our past. Role playing being the other woman is kind of the ultimate in humiliation because i have to make fun of myself. As i played the other woman, Master and i degraded her wife as being a pathetic slut that's only good as back-up holes for when the good ones (the other woman's) weren't available. That got Master off, which lately has been rare and i had a pretty good orgasm too.

Master and i both would like to experience cuckqueaning for real. We have come up with a few ideas as to how we might be able to incorporate it into our play with Kahwaii in ways that she is hopefully comfortable with, small things such as Master telling me that She likes kissing/ fucking/etc. Kahwaii while we all are having sex but avoiding things such as outright comparing Kahwaii and i (at least for now until we can hopefully get her more comfortable with that). At some point i would love it if the two of them were to have sex without me even there but i don't foresee that happening any time soon, if ever.