A Storm is Brewing

It has been quite a while since I have said anything here, but not for lack of things to talk about. I have stared at the blank screen on a number of occasions and have second guessed writing about any of the topics or feelings that have come to mind, but here goes...
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Life is complicated. We have run up against a number of difficult issues over the past few months and haven't really come up with any easy fixes yet. About a month ago, the three of us went to Kahwaii's parent's cabin on the lake. It was wonderful being out there with boat access only, one neighbor in the bay, and very little for modern convenience. I could really easily just live in a place like that. I was really looking forward to three days with just my girls and getting some extended time with Kahwaii without anyone having to go home at the end of the night.

We had some fantastic moments out there - we took advantage of the lack of people and had an incredible outdoor humiliation scene followed up by really hot sex and a chance to cuck elle. Sitting on the dock, watching the sun set over the water was beautiful, though it made me a bit homesick for Victoria. We snuggled on the couch in front of the fire and simply seeing Kahwaii each day made me very happy.

Unfortunately, shit hit the fan a couple of times and a decent amount of our time was spent trying to figure out hurt feelings and upset emotions. See, Kahwaii and I have a very good connection and apparently our energy is rather overpowering. We think we are being inclusive and tell elle she is always welcome to join conversations and such, but due to our connection I guess we look involved in private moments that aren't inviting. elle felt excluded and hurt by this.

The second night in, after the humiliation and cucking, I tucked elle into bed because she was falling asleep. As I did so, she encouraged me to tell Kahwaii that I love her (I confessed this to elle quite awhile ago). I did and Kahwaii said it back. It was great being able to say it to her with elle's encouragement...until things went sideways. Turns out, elle encouraged me because she knew I wanted to tell Kahwaii and thought that was what I wanted to hear. I did want her support, but I wanted it truthfully. It hurts elle to know I am loved back and this has brought out a fair bit of jealousy that she's having a hard time overcoming. We've realized that she was probably having sub drop and the emotional hurt was bigger because of it, but it's still there.

elle and Kahwaii have some difficulty connecting and their relationship label has changed a few times making emotions run like a rollercoaster. It's hard on both of them trying to figure out feelings and how best to improve their relationship and D/s dynamic. I feel very guilty to be so happy with where Kahwaii and I are at because it hurts elle; I am scared I will lose Kahwaii if they aren't able to connect more; I miss Kahwaii as soon as we are apart and always look forward to when I can see her again. The more time I spend with Kahwaii the harder I fall for her and the bigger my heart will break if it ends. I don't want this to hurt anyone but I don't want to pull back to try to keep that from happening either.

Since coming home from the cabin there has been ongoing jealousy. elle is having a hard time with Kahwaii and I saying I love you (even privately) and for a while had asked if we would refrain. It was very difficult not saying it when we'd finally started to and it felt unfair that we were stopping because the feelings weren't the same between elle and Kahwaii. They are separate relationships that grow differently and it felt like a punishment because ours grew closer faster. Alone time with Kahwaii was also nonexistent since then.

elle wants to be ok with everything and gets mad at herself for not being so. I can understand her side and don't want to hurt her but at the same time I need to be able to throw myself into this relationship with Kahwaii as well to be fair to what we have. We tried to deny it, but we knew from the start feelings were going to happen. We are not primaries but the feelings are no less valid or important. Same with the feelings between elle and Kahwaii. No one is expendable.

This past weekend was a kinky camping event with 80+ people. It was our second time going, and the place where Kahwaii's interest in us started showing last year. It was pretty awesome being there this year and not just watching her from a distance (I think I've already mentioned that I had quite a crush on her from early on in meeting her). Last year secret crush, this year in love.

Things weren't all great though. More or less the same emotions were coming out. At one point I took elle aside because I was getting really upset over the double standard that I felt was happening between what was ok to happen between her and Kahwaii compared to myself and Kahwaii. I've been getting very frustrated by this and pull back from Kahwaii each time the three of us are together in order to not upset elle, that hasn't really been making it better for anyone though.

I don't know how to help them learn each other's language so they can communicate better. I've tried 'translating' for them but I'm worried it's not enough. What I worry is that they are too different everywhere except in their individual levels of dominance in which I think they could be on par if elle was on the top side. It leads to head butting as an unconscious struggle for power. The dynamic is Kahwaii dominant and elle submissive, but I think her brain tells her to push back because it feels there is a chance to gain control. elle can submit to J because he is more dominant and she won't get the control - he intimidates her; she can submit to me because if she doesn't it would royally fuck our shit up; she has a hard time fully submitting to Kahwaii because if she fights enough maybe she can wrest the control away. I'm not saying this is through conscious choice at all, and I know elle doesn't see where she is doing said pushing back, but it is there and I believe is a big reason they have a more difficult time connecting.

(I wrote this a few weeks ago and was going to add more, but am leaving it at this to move on to more recent events.)

No turning back now!

It still baffles me, how we have spent so long trying to get this lifestyle in order and running smoothly with only little successes here and there and big derailments along the way, then suddenly a month ago, it all just clicks, the pieces fall into place and it's as if we have always been like this.  elle has wholeheartedly thrown herself into her submission and everyday improves upon her obedience. She is attentive, relaxed, and eager to do as she is told . She is like a flower that has finally  been planted in fertile soil and each time she serves me she grows and sprouts new buds. She is blossoming the more she sits in submission at my feet. A very big confirmation of this came for me Friday night after one hell of a scene.

We had decided earlier in the week that we were going to have a rough scene Friday evening since there is a chance that within days she could be pregnant and some of our most loved activities will have to be put on hold for quite sometime. Kicking and punching my pregnant wife is definitely not going to happen. So come Friday we talked about what we wanted from the scene and elle did some dinner prep, since after play the last thing that either of us feels like doing is cooking. I rearranged the living room to give us plenty of space, since this scene was going to be intense  and then we got to it.

This scene was built around the idea of her being taken and brought to me, needing to be broken and trained into slavehood so that I could sell her off to someone that would be her Master. She fought back, obviously, and through mental terrorism (convincing her of her utter vulnerability and isolation, playing the nice guy when she did what I ordered, forcing her to beg for more ) physical assault (kicking, hitting with various implements, ripping her clothes off, raping her mouth, caging) and positive reinforcement of slave behaviours (calling her good slave, graduating her from the slave corset into her slave outfit so she wasn’t naked anymore, and rewarding her earnest pleas for more with more) she finally broke. At the end I locked her back in the cage and told her when I came back for her she would be ready to accept her new life as a slave. End of scene.

It was only about two minutes that I left her in there, while I sat down close by to remove my boots. When she started to softly cry I opened the door for her, wanting her to come out so we could snuggle and I could give her some chocolate and love. Her head was definitely still in the scene and it took some time to get her to lay down with her head on her slave pillow, rather than kneel on it as she originally did. We cuddled and slowly she came around. This had all been over a three hour span.

Where I say that confirmation of her submission came was, following all of this it was 9:30 and the pre-play snack we had was long used up. Dinner was prepped but needed cooking and I was not at all keen to do so. When food was mentioned my head was saying "Toast? Ya I could manage to make us some toast" when she said, once she was up she could manage to cook and then off she went and cooked up a delicious meal, while I sat in the living room doing a few things on my phone. I was thrilled. Usually after play she is either very sleepy and out of it(not that I blame her, she takes a lot from me!) that I get food, hence the toast, or she turns bratty as if she is rebelling against having just submitted. Just getting up to make dinner without a word of protest, or even having  me say to do it, showed just how far she has come, how deep she has gotten into her slave mindset.

We talked later, or maybe it was before, and elle said that she feels like she has just been floating on a cloud for the past month. I would have to agree. Not just for her but for myself as well. I feel like I have finally grabbed a hold of what dominance means to me. Not what I have read of others and tried to measure myself against, but of what I can envision this life looking like for us in the long run and where my niceness can live in unison with my dominance. I don’t have to be a cold, hard ass domme to make this work but I'm not just a passive domme either. I could definitely get used to this!

I must say that was probably the best scene that we have had. Maybe at some point I will actually write out all that took place, it would make a pretty hot story for you I'm sure, but for now you will just have live with the morsel I put in this post. Gotta keep you coming back for more!

Our newest rules have now been posted.

Getting Beaten

Yesterday afternoon Madam went to a couple of workshops about topping. Last night Lee played with me using some of the techniques She learned. Instead of using toys, She used Her body to give me pain.  The feelings that it evoked were amazing. It's almost indescribable. Such a juxtaposition of feelings. i felt safe  by the woman who was kicking me, loved by the woman punching me, cherished by the woman who was pulling my hair. She had ordered me to keep my eyes closed, which She praised me for doing so well, and that had a two-fold effect on me. The first being that i was very on edge about what was going to happen. The second thing was that i really noticed Her perfume on Her wrists when She had Her hands on my throat, my sense of smell was heightened a bit i guess.

Once She was done beating me, we laid on the floor for a while and it took me a while to process what we had done. After a bit i noticed the stirring in my loins, i was very turned on. While we were actively playing i was too wrapped up in the feelings of pain to notice but now that i had "come down" they were front and center. Madam started to kiss me and we ended up having hot sex right there on the floor where we had collapsed to after playing.

We moved into our bed as it was late and had a short post-play chat about how we each felt about the new techniques and such.  When i started to get sleepy Madam turned the lights off and i snuggled up behind my protector and drifted to sleep with a big smile on my face.

 It has been a while since we have had a "good scene" (that doesn't sound right but i can't think of how to word it differently). I think it had a very positive effect on me, today i feel more submissive than in the recent past. And that's definitely a good thing.

Time for a Tweak

I've said this before but I'll say it again, being a Domme doesn't come easily to Me. There are probably plenty out there that would say I'm not a 'real' Domme because I'm not a natural, the habits and actions of a Domme aren't characteristics that are ingrained in Me. No, I'm not dominant by nature. I have to work at it, and quite often I fail at it. If fact, elle and I have taken on the roles in our dynamic that are opposite to both our natures. elle is a very independent, strong willed, organized person. All attributes that I love about My girl. All attributes that make it a bit more difficult for her to be slave to Me.

Why then, you might wonder, am I not the slave? Well for good reason, we both want and need to be in this dynamic the way it is. elle needs freedom from making decisions, she needs to not be responsible for getting us through life unscathed, she needs to be able to just breathe and follow My lead. For myself, I need to be pushed with decisions and allow Myself to say 'no', I need to feel the weight on My shoulders of navigating through life safely, and I need to feel the love and devotion of My slave.

See, leading up to our relationship, I had always been very passive, gullible and pretty well, a doormat. I did everything in My power to please other people, that I am now faced with a sizeable debt, and lots of resentment inside. There is pretty much a daily fight I have with Myself about how I could have let that happen, how did I not see what was happening, how could I be so stupid, blind, naive, yadda yadda?? Unfortunately now I am not the only one that is paying for what I allowed happen with previous people. My mother is affected (talk about huge guilt), My wife is affected (diddo on the guilt), and our quality of life is affected.

Being Domme has made Me feel more secure in the fact that the past can't repeat itself and elle can be secure in knowing that she can't get to the point of steam rollering through our relationship. I can say 'no' and she can relinquish control. Where we come along it being difficult is that neither, as I said, was really in our nature. Sometimes I still say 'yes' too often, and elle takes too much control, but we are a work in progress and I feel we always will be.

We talked this weekend about where we are lately falling off the D/s wagon and have come upon a few changes that I think will make this better. When we started, our dynamic was more of a physical service slavery formula. elle wasn't working, I was, so she was able to take care of the home and I felt better about having her do things for Me. However, over the past month and a half that I haven't been working but she is, I have been taking care of the home and feel bad about wanting to get her to do something for Me because she's been at work all day. So we have talked, and decided more of a mental D/s is what we are looking at right now. Going back to making sure she wears My collar when possible, having her sit at My feet, inviting her to eat, inviting her into bed, making sure she asks permission for things (still need to flesh this one out), and overall just making sure I make the decisions for her. I need to start doing the leading a whole lot better around here, as each time she sees a weakness coming out of Me the natural control that is in her, latches on and pushes.

I am very hopeful we can get ourselves back on track, because when we're doing well in our dynamic it is really good.    

Reconnection

So in My last post I talked about how it has been a bit of a struggle to feel like a Domme while doing the chores, but that I am coming around to seeing in from the D perspective. Well there was a small moment this weekend that had Me silently bursting with pride at a comment My slave made. It has been hard for her to have Me doing the chores as well and there have been times when she jokingly has said that maybe I should be the slave and other times when she sadly has said that I am better at this then she was:( This weekend, however, when she saw that I had made the bed while she was brushing her teeth she looked at Me and in that little girl voice she gets she said, "You're being such a good Daddy." It was wonderful to hear that from her!

Yesterday was the second anniversary of our first date and Wednesday is the six month anniversary of our wedding day. I love you so much My wife, My slave, My little girl.

Lately, we have been sorely lacking in playtime, but yesterday we finally played...twice...and both times were amazing. How have I allowed us to go so long without that connection for us?! The first scene was about pain and power, slave needed to feel it and I needed to give it with force. The second time was about depriving elle of her senses and all sense of control to make her feel and focus on just her body and her complete surrender to My will. We both agreed it was one of our favorite scenes. Though My girl is at work right now, I feel such a stronger connection to her than I have in the last little while. Scenes aren't just about what is being done and felt in the moment for us, they reconnect us, strengthen our bond and make the rest of life seem much more balanced.

I really must stay on top of us playing more even if that means adding it to the schedule of things to do...wash dishes, check; clean cat boxes, check; beat wife, check:) What kinky person wouldn't want that as part of their "chore" list, lol.

When is a slave not a salve?

i feel anything but slave like.

i miss Her control. i miss kneeling before bed to have Her remove Her collar from my neck. i miss… i miss… i miss….

By the time i get home from work Lee is in bed and when She is gets up i am still sleeping. We are like two ships passing in the night.

For a week or so  at the beginning of this month Lee made a very micro-managing schedule for me but it just didn't work, for various reasons. We may try it again in the new year, maybe once things have settled down it will work better.

Once the new year comes we will be have two days a week together, our "weekend".  That might help. Recently we have only been having one day a week together, which, since i work late the night before and She works the next morning, really doesn't give us that much actual time together. Especially when you add on that we have errands, chores, etc. to do during that time.

We have also both been sick. i had two colds in one month!

i have pretty much lost my drive to serve and i feel like an imposter when Lee calls me Her slave. As much as i hate to admit it, i am needy. I need my Master standing over me actively dominating me, reminding me that They are in control, maybe because i have a fairly dominant personality. i guess it's also partly that i'm kind of like a young child in that if something is not right in front of me it doesn't exist.

i think once the Christmas season is over Lee and i are going to have to do some tweeking. i think things will improve without my class work and the holiday stuff  taking up so much time and energy. And as i said we'll have more time together which will enable us to re-connect more frequently and regularly.

i do think i need to do some critical thinking of myself to understand why i need such active control and try to come up with ways to satisfy this desire/need without placing my problem on Lee.

I don't know if this has come out in any sort of logical way. i apologise for the ramble but it is what it is.

Some fact, some fiction, all fun

"How's your pussy feeling slut?" Madam purrs in her knowing voice. It's been three days and she has filled her girl's cunt five times, ramming into the wet, warm tunnel with her thick, purple silicone cock.

"It hurts Ma'am." The girl quietly replies while her eyelashes lower and her head tips forward in an attempt to hide the blush of her cheeks. She knows that her pussy is not really hers, it is there for Madam's pleasure and lately it has pleased Madam to use and abuse her hole until it burns with exquisite pain. Over and over the rough treatment has left her insides throbbing with each thrust as she gasps and groans, trying to hold back the tears. She fears she can't take much more.

"Good, spread your legs…"

Slut shutters, her eyes wide with fear as they lock on Madam's. "No! Please Ma'am…" she starts to plead.

"Please what?" A smile creeps onto Madam's face as she crosses her arms over her chest, her feet firmly planted not about to budge.

"It hurts Ma'am. I can't…" 

Silence fills the room as Madam stares at her girl. With her head slightly tilted and the corner of her mouth still quirked in a smile, Madam watches the internal struggle dance within her girls eyes.

"I…" sluts eyes slowly lower back to the floor in resignation, knowing she is nobody until Madam says she is somebody. "Please Madam, use my holes for your pleasure." Again her voice is quiet, she has once more found her place and slowly lowers herself to the bed, spreading her legs like a good girl.

Non-consent and makin' love

I am Master, she is slave.

Sometimes it takes her goading and fighting back for My full Master tendencies to appear. I feel I am at the stage in our dynamic where I am fully aware of who I am, but sometimes I need an "excuse" to release My full potential. Such as last night. I intended to use her holes as soon as I decided to start touching her, but I didn't have any plans of a non-consent scene until she started fighting back. She wouldn't stop and instead of ordering her to stop, I decided showing her, her place would be much more fun and effective  in controlling her.

This was the first such scene where I felt the struggle for power in earnest. I know she started fighting just to have a little fun and to get Me going. she wanted Me to take before she would give, though she admitted after she had no idea it would go that far. After a while though, I feel like the struggle was much more real for both of us. My brain switched from "oh, you wanna fight do ya" to "that bitch is gonna get it!" Lol, while being safe and fully aware of her reactions and such, of course.

When we first started on this kinky path, I read about Domme space and never really believed it because it didn't seem like I got anything close to what others described. Lately though, especially with some of our more intense play that really has elle begging and pleading, I've been feeling more and more giddy-like with power, and afterwards I find that it feels quite like a dream when I think back on what happened. It's kind of tunnel vision-esk. I think about last night and I can see it happening and remember that while it was, nothing else existed. I was in it %100 and I just knew that I had to conquer her, knew that I could, and had every right to.

That's right, I said "I had every right to rape My wife." she was misbehaving, even if just playing, and didn't just spread her legs for Me, so after a struggle I forced My fingers into her holes to show they were mine. It wasn't just because I felt like fucking her anymore, it was to make her feel completely owned by Me. Owned and loved to the point that it was in both our best interest for Me to follow through to such an extent and remind her of her place.

And then...and then, when it was all said and done, and she was coming down, she asked me in a very timid voice to make love to her! How wonderful is that. I rape My wife and not ten minutes later does she ask Me to hold her in My arms and make love to her. Getting deeper and deeper into this dynamic just shows the scope of our relationship and how close it brings us. I know this is not for everyone, but for those of us that are in the lifestyle, I feel we have a profound advantage for relationship success when so many raw emotions and actions can be expressed and shared. Nothing is left inside to fester when feelings can be released in such a way.

elle, I don't remember ever thanking you for taking the brave step of broaching the subject of BDSM with Me a year ago, but thank you so much for doing so. It is taking Me some time to come into My own on this, but I feel like I am finally starting to really feel My place here and I truly think it has made our relationship ten time better than I ever though possible with anyone. I love you so much, sometimes only actions can speak so deeply.  

i am Her slave

i think last night Madam was teaching me what it means to be Her slave. I think She pretty much succeeded.

Last night was supposed to be a play night, we were going to have a high protocol scene. I met Madam at work, dressed in a short black skirt , a pink lacy camisole-style top with my pink and orange high heels. We talked and got caught up a bit since we hadn't seen each other since Thursday. Madam asked me if i wanted to or if I'd just prefer we just hang out on the couch and snuggle since it was our only night together this week due to work schedules. i told Her that i'd like to just snuggle and maybe have some "fun in the bedroom" (hint, hint!!). After dinner I served us some coffee and the last of the peach blueberry crisp that i had made on Thursday (that didn't take long to go through, next time i'll have to make a double!!).

Not long after we finished dessert Madam started grabbing at me, my ass, my boobies, what ever She could get Her hands on really. Since my skirt was so short, it made it pretty easy for Her to see and grab at my neither regions. i kept jokingly pushing Her away and telling Her "No!". We played like this for a while the intensity kept building, She started holding my hands back and i kept egging Her on. At some point i managed to sneak free and ran into the kitchen, grabbed a spatula and started swinging. She met my spatula with a whisk and we had a "sword fight" with our kitchen utensils. Eventually She wrestled the spatula away from me and managed to pin me to the ground on my hands and knees. She started spanking me, i crawled away and got up but She followed. We played cat and mouse for a few minutes then somehow i ended up back on my hands and knees pinned to the ground.

She asked me who i was, i replied with my full name. "No! you are slave elle, sometimes just slave" i believe was Her answer. She asked again, and again i replied with my full name. i was being a defiant little slave, i wasn't going to give in without a fight. We went back and forth a few times like this until She announced that She was going to teach me my place and yanked up my skirt and pulled my pink lace panties down to my ankles. She shoved Her fingers ruthlessly into my pussy while telling me who i was to Her. my no's fell on deaf ears. i managed to break free again but not for long and soon i was back on the ground on my knees and face. Her fingers violently entered first my pussy again then as Madam put it "to teach me that both my holes are for Her to use when and how She wants" my ass. She only stopped when She heard the reply She wanted "i am slave elle and you are Master Lee". My pussy was sore but my clit was throbbing…. and soaking wet!!As i lay on the floor of the living room quivering and coming down, my loving Master covered me with a blanket, fed me chocolate and laid with me until i was okay again.

Then i asked Her something that i think surprised Her…"will You make love to me?" and of course She agreed. We moved into our bedroom and She held me in Her strong arms while we made love and i climaxed over and over again. I felt so close to Her, so loved, so wanted.

We talked for a bit about what happened. Lee admitted that non-consent has become much easier for Her, that She no longer feels guilty for forcing Herself upon me, which i'm glad to hear. i apologized for trying to get Her to "rape" me when we started this thing we do, when She wasn't comfortable.

Why do i think She was trying to teach me what it means to be Her slave? i can't really explain it, it's just a feeling i have but i'll try. i think it helped me surrender not only my body but my heart and soul to her. The resistance to giving up total control that i feel sometimes seems to have shed another layer and i am getting that much closer to being a better slave for my Master. She held my very life in Her hands and used that power to reinforce how much She loves me by showing that She wants to control me. She wants to control me because She wants to make sure that i am making the right choices, that i am safe and that i am well taken care of. By controlling me She shows me that She loves me, in a similar way that a parent does with a young child.Does any of this make sense? i hope so cause i don't know if i can explain it any better! lol

Well, i've got to go start getting ready for work.

Thank you Ma'am for a night i will never forget! i love You!!!

Life and More Bitching

This was written on Thursday evening and i hadn't decided at the time if i would post it. Lee insisted that i do so here it is.

Oh and another thing before i do post it. i want to make something clear. i write more when i'm upset rather than when i'm happy and feeling good. i think this is common amongst journallers but because of this it appears that Lee isn't "living up to being a good Domme". i would like everyone to know right now once and for all, She most definitely is, as well as a good (future) wife and partner. She is on a very steep upward climb right now and i fail to remember that sometimes.

One final note. I haven't written much about my personal life outside of kink. This post was supposed to be about my career and it just kinda morphed into me bitching (once again :( i'm sorry) about how i feel about Madam's domination of me. i am a nurse, an LPN to be exact. i have wanted to be a nurse since i was a little girl. i was a Candystriper (youth hospital volunteer) all through high school. i dreamed of working in the busiest, most intense units, doing the most challenging gory work possible. i graduated from college in September and have been looking for a job only occasionally as i have been enjoying being a housewife/stay at home sub for Madam.

So without further ado here is the post (just a reminder it was written on Thursday late afternoon/evening):

A few hours ago i got offered a job. It’s not my dream job but it’s a nursing job so it’s a step in the right direction. So why am i sitting here with tears running down my face? Why am i not happy, relieved that i will be able to help pay our bills and otherwise lessen the burden of financially supporting us that i have been putting Madam under for the last 6 months?

But no, i sit here so unmotivated that i can’t do anything but cry. i texted Madam telling Her how i feel but Her responses didn’t help any, in fact I’d say they almost did the opposite. She told me to remember the reward of play (if i do all my chores satisfactorily three days in a row we have some sort of play) but at this moment i couldn’t care less about it. i wish i could get up off the couch and do my chores and all the other stuff i had planned for today but my body feels like lead.

Madam just phoned cause i told Her that i was crying. i could tell that She was trying to make me feel better but it didn’t really work. i apologized for saying that i didn’t care. She has relieved me of my chores for the day which makes me feel even worse cause i feel like i’ve let Her down and need to be treated like some fragile porcelain doll.

i want this job but i don’t at the same time. i want to be in a hospital, using all the skills that i learned in school. At a nursing home i will basically be giving out meds pretty much all day long. Exactly what i didn’t want to do. And now i’m going to be travelling over an hour each way on the bus to do it!! But i should be thankful that i have a job, right? i mean a nursing job. i could be working at Starbucks like so many other college/university educated folk are.

i don’t want to work in a fucking nursing home!!!! i said that about my final placement in school (acute rehab) and ended up loving it though so I’m hoping that it’ll end up that i at least like it and can tolerate it for a while for the money. i also hope that it will boost my confidence in looking for more positions.

The other day i had a thought. What about offering my nursing skills to kinksters? i don’t know how many would need real nursing services but since i am kinky as well, if someone needed home nursing i would be able to provide my services and they wouldn’t have to worry about feeling like they had to put away the toys or avoid mentioning their questions about when they can resume playing safely and such.

Madam wants me to have a bath ready for Her when She gets home from work. She wants to cuddle and be able to talk while we relax. Part of me wants that while another part of me wants Her to punish me for not doing anything today. i thirive on routine and structure, when i feel like i do today and let that all fall by the wayside it would be nice to have Her show that She cares about it too. i think that if She had told me that if i didn’t do my chores, or at least some of them that She would be disappointed, upset with me, etc. that would have made me feel guilty about flaking out enough to get my ass in gear. And if She were to punish me for not doing them when She gets home then maybe next time i’m feeling like this i’ll remember the punishment that i received and that will help motivate me then. Also, as i said i thrive on structure and routine and having Her reinforce that would help show me that She cares about what i deep down really care about. There is a part of me that had wanted Her to empathize with how I’m feeling but say something along the lines of “it’s in your and our best interest to maintain your routine. I want you to clean the litter box and sweep right now and text me in five minutes when they are done”. i know She doesn’t like to push me but sometimes i turn to Her hoping to get the push i need to get my ass moving. i don’t think i’ve ever gotten it though. Sometimes i wish She would give me some “tough love”.

i realize that if the dishes don’t get done, the litter boxes don’t get scooped out or the floors don’t get swept that the world isn’t going to crumble but now tomorrow I’m going to have extra chores (on top of daily ones i have semi weekly, weekly, biweekly and monthly ones scheduled for various days). For example, on top of the daily chores i was supposed to vacuum, blog and clean the bathroom, except the tub. Tomorrow’s extra chores are to empty the recycling, wash the hall and bathroom floors, find and recite a reading and tidy the coat/storage closet. i also need to make some lunches for the freezer and bake some muffins. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. Let’s just hope i don’t feel this way again, in fact i need to feel about the exact opposite.

Ranting and Updating and Goals! Oh, my!

What to say... what to say...?

One of my rules is that i have to blog twice a week and it's Thursday and i haven't blogged once yet this week. i have been a busy little sub- baking, meal planning, cleaning, getting my resume updated and so on and so on.

i think i'm going to start off with a bit of a rant today. i am a member of a few submissive groups on Fetlife and i have been noticing lately that so many women (and men i guess but it seems to be more so the women) think that there is one "way" to be a sub/slave (herein known as s-type), have a D/s relationship, please their Mater/Mistress (herein known as M-type), etc. i get so frustrated and shout at my computer screen which i realize doesn't help anything but i cannot for the life of me understand why so many probably very intelligent women think there is one way?!?! Yes there are how-to books, but they are mostly suggestions and if something isn't right for you or your relationship then modify it or don't do it. It won't make you less of a s-type if you don't enjoy cooking for your Master/Mistress or if you aren't a masochist or what ever it is you think you are "supposed to do" if you and your M-type have agreed that is isn't right for the two (or more, if you're poly) of you, there are no kinky police who will come and throw you in jail if you don't do certain things. Ok, for things like flogging, caning or other actual play activities, yes there are right and wrong ways for safety reasons but last time i checked the s-type doesn;t usually do those things anyways. Chill out, you're not "doing it" wrong!!! AARRGGAAH!!! i have never really thought that Lee and i had to do anything we didn't want to. i have a bad knee- when it's bad i don't kneel, i sit cross-legged. i also get pretty bad headaches-when i do i'm relieved from doing my more intensive tasks, or putting them off for another day. And guess what? Lee doesn't punish me for sitting cross-legged, having a headache, not being able to do laundry cause the machines were all full...sometimes things are out of a person's control. i mentioned that maybe the reason that we never felt like we had to conform is because of the fact that we are lesbians and are used to not doing things the way society says is correct/normal but like i said i have never felt like i/we must do anything we didn't want to (except my tasks-some days i really don't feel like doing them but alas i must lol!)



OK i've said it. i'm done ranting...for today lol!! if anyone has anything to add or would like to counter what i have said please leave a comment.

The bumps that Madam and i were experiencing are smoothing out quite nicely. She has done an amazing job of stepping up to the plate and giving me a Madam to submit to. We have work to do yet but we are headed in the right direction

Madam has found two new ways of reminding me that i am Hers.

The first is one that neither of us thought that we would do let alone like enough to add to our regular routine. What is it you ask? Madam has begun marking me with Her urine on days that i shower with Her. i kneel in the bottom of the tub and while Her warm stream runs over my back i feel myself falling deeper and deeper into my place as Her property. It started after i was acting very feisty the other day and She decided to show me that as Her property She can do anything She wanted to. Now i know that we have it in our hard limits, but we had talked a bit about it and i had mentioned that i would be up for trying it as i thought it would make me feel very owned but i really didn't think Lee was into the idea at all. i love it and think it is helping me feel more owned through the day, kind of like the maintenance spankings (but since we do those just before bed i don't find their affect carries through to the next day).


The other way is through wearing bells on my ankle cuffs so i can hear each step i take. i know there are many subs who only have a necklace, bracelett or other "vanilla looking" "collar" but i love the reminders. Maybe that's cause we're still new at this and i need the more physical stuff right now. i love having all my senses reminded of Madam's ownership of me. So now i am reminded through sight, touch, smell (i can smell the leather of my collar sometimes, especially when i've been working hard-incentive to work hard? maybe!!) and sound. i am also reminded throughout the day mentally when i repeat my mantra.



We have been talking about me topping Lee for a scene. i have topped her before, in play and in a vanilla sense but not since i became Her sub. So... if anyone has any suggestions on how to maintain my submissive-ness while topping Madam, please throw them this way.

One other quick note, Madam and i have talked a bit about us working one day towards me becoming Her slave! i don't really know how that will happen but She has/is getting over the negative connitations She had about me being Her slave and i guess that's the first step. We both have a lot of growing to do before it happens but i'm glad to know that we have a long term goal to work towards as well as the shorter term ones.

Well, i think i've stalled the chores long enough and since i have another busy day i should probably end this here and get going on the tasks at hand. Oh the life of a sub!! But i wouldn't change if for anything.

Conflicting Views

I have been quite silent on this blog so far; not knowing what to say...or more accurately not knowing how to express my feelings openly on here without feeling completely lacking in the domme department, so I have tried to just tuck them neatly away in the dark corners of my mind and spill them now and then to my elle. I find it getting harder though as time passes to continue this way and so finally I break my silence. Yesterday was a rough day.

I came home from a long, rather hectic day at work and all I wanted was to take elle into my arms and hold her against me, kiss her and just relax in her presence. However, when I arrived home she was not waiting at the door for me, nor were the dishes done or any of her chores for that matter, and she was fast asleep on the couch. My heart melted when I saw her curled up with the cat and my first thought wasn't about her undone chores, but was whether she was feeling alright - migraine, sick, etc.

I know as a domme many would probably say I should have shaken her awake, told her how she disappointed me for not doing her chores and dolled out her punishment right then. No excuses. But I am a soft, new domme that some of those more hardcore dommes and masters might call just a top or weak because instead I kissed her gently awake and contiued kissing her face for a few moments. I asked her a few questions on whether she was fine and determined that she was, she had just fallen asleep while reading. She questioned if I was mad that nothing had been done and quite honestly I wasn't.

I'm not very quick to get mad and I knew she would be beating herself up for not having done her chores so I didn't want to add to her distress. We have rules and punishments for breaking those rules but I am not good, yet, when it comes to punishing elle. When I told her she wouldn't be punished she was not happy and talked back, so for that I did mildly punish her by having her hold a penny to the wall for ten minutes with her nose.

She cried throughout those ten minutes and I found it increasingly harder not to go to her and find out why. After the ten minutes I did go to her and tried to talk to her but this only resulted in her taking her collar off and dropping it in my lap. She felt by not being punished for the chores, I didn't care enough about her. This and removing my mark really hurt. We have an amazing relationship that I am so thankful to have and in the last month or so we have brought 24/7 D/s into the picture. I am still learning my side of this lifestyle and we both know that I am not a born domme, so when she did this I was then the one to get really upset. For a moment there she may as well have removed her engagement ring and given it back to me.

I am taking slowly to the action side on my role but I am emotionally involved completely. It is such an incredible feeling to know she is that committed to me to wear my mark and want to service me in everyway, hearing her call me Madam Lee or say that I own her, is very intense and sometimes overwhelming. So to have her show how hurt she was by my lack of disipline by removing that symbol that I am so emotionally attached to was really hurtful too. I felt like I had failed her, but I don't know exactly how to become the ideal domme.

In previous relationships, I have always been a pushover and was so dedicated and loyal to a fault that I was just walked all over. Being with my exes it was never about me or what I wanted, I was the one running around doing everything I was told to keep the peace and now here I am with a most amazing woman that chooses herself to do everything for me out of love and dedication. I think I have out-of-whack views on the roles we both have because of my past and they are hard views to break from.

As the one with the power, I know it previously as the role that is demanding because of ones own laziness and sense of self entitlement. This person wants everyone to bow down to them, do everything from get them a drink to pay for huge expenses and give nothing in return.

As the one doing the serving, I know it previously as the role that is taken advantage of, that becomes like a puppy that keeps getting kicked and going back for more, that is not happy but won't speak up because they are being manipulated into thinking there is something in it for them and life is easier if not happier if they just go along.

I am stuck on these ideas. I don't want to come across as a big asshole that is just making demands of the woman that I love and expecting it to be done. I don't want her to beat herself up for disappointing me. And I find it hard to wrap my mind around the fact that she actually enjoys her role and it is nothing like being the doormat/kicked puppy from my past. she acually wants to do this for me...out of love...she enjoys it??? Come on brain, catch up here!

I need to figure out how to bring my thinking around to our dynamic in these roles and forget about the past. I care so much about elle I hate her thinking the areas in which I lack are any indication of how I feel towards her or TTWD. I love you so much elle!