Hello Again! Maybe Baby?!?

I had a choice. Once upon a time I had a choice. Now I don’t, I don’t have any say at all in fact. And that’s the way She and I both want it.

Here’s some background info that will help clear things up. Lee and I have been in the process of jumping through all of the hoops of trying to have a baby! It all started officially last spring with a visit to our doctor for a referral to a fertility clinic since we can’t do things the old fashioned way. Since then we (well, mostly me since I will be carrying out baby) have had to have a variety of tests and I had minor surgery but we have finally have gotten to the point where we are ready to order our donor sperm and start actively trying.

Now, back to the topic at hand, my lack of choice. In the beginning of the baby process it was assumed that we would choose a donor together. After the first time we looked we decided that I wasn’t going to be involved in the initial selection. To me it didn’t matter. The way I explain it to friends and family is like this: when you are choosing a mating partner you don’t choose someone that has the qualities that you want your future children to have. So it really doesn’t matter, to me, what colour hair the person has, what they do for a living or anything else. But it does to Lee. She had read a book of short stories, one of which talked about the “other mother” choosing the donor. So we decided we would do that too, Lee would narrow it down to a few choices and we would pick one from those together. This was the plan for many months until recently when I asked Her to take away that choice.

More background info. Lee and I have been really focusing on getting our D/s running more smoothly lately. Since moving we have had a lot of good intentions and a few good attempts but for one reason or another we always “fell off the bandwagon". Lately we have been going well. Also, we have come to the realization that we feel more closely relating to the Daddy/girl labels than Domme/sub one. I almost exclusively call Lee Daddy in private and at kink-friendly events so I am going to use that here instead of Madam, which we have all but abandoned (we have talked about trying out Sir for more formal and /or play situations).

In our relationship, Lee owns me entirely. She is not required to, but often does, consult me about what is done with Her property, anything from my body or our home. I trust Her to make safe, sound choices for us and i have chosen to follow Her. So because of our renewed effort in our D/s I have had a substantial increase in my feelings of submission (obviously!).

And back to the main event again. I imagine that is what spurred my decision to give over the donor choice entirely to Daddy about two weeks ago. I had thought about it for days and the more I thought about it, the more I thought it showed my commitment to our dynamic and relationship.

Telling Lee that I didn’t want to be involved in choosing the donor has been a source of a huge emotional conflict for me though. When I told Her that I felt very submissive giving up this choice She told me that, for Her, it had nothing to do with ownership. For Lee, having exclusive choice of the donor was more about contributing what She could to the making of our baby. Hearing Her say that took away the feeling of being owned immediately. It was so devastating to hear Her say that. For the past few days I had been walking around in a bubble of submission and service to Lee and that bubble popped. One cannot be owned without someone owning them, right? Daddy wasn’t claiming ownership over my body and reproductive rights so that means I still have control over it? I can still say no to whomever She chooses? I struggled with feeling like I had just been abandoned.  During that time I felt very unsure of how I was going to be able to fully submit to someone who I felt like didn’t want total control of my body. We played and during that scene Lee landed a pretty hard boot kick in a not nice hurt kind of way. The next day I had a huge black/purple bruise, and I don’t bruise easily. Daddy was so excited that She had finally marked me but at the same time sad that she wouldn’t be able to reproduce it since it was a bad hurt. I didn’t think much of it and we went about our day. I can’t remember exactly how long after (the next evening maybe?) She was admiring it again. I, out of nowhere, blurted out that I would let Her do it again any time to see that look on Her face. At that exact moment I had that same owned feeling wash over me again. I am coming to the realization that I am the kind of submissive that really requires the “active” Dominant type. I have known that I need it but I am realizing that I really function best as a submissive/slave when Daddy’s presence is felt strongly in my soul. Again after the pain realization I was in my submissive bubble as I am now coming to understand it as.

On a semi-related topic, we have been to two meetings of the local MAsT group. Which is nice because we have both been feeling isolated and I think we might be able to make some good friends through this group.

Yes I know I ignored the fact that it's been months since either one of us have posted anything. I hope to get back into writing here on our little blog, though I’m sure there is nobody actually reading this, it helps to write out my thoughts and organize them into something semi-coherent.

submissive vs. slave

What is the difference between a submissive and a slave? This is the topic that Lee has asked me to write about this week. The problem is that i don't really know. i have said before that i identify more as a slave than submissive so i should know.

Before i start, i want to preface what i am about to say: these are only my opinions.  If you don't agree with part or all of it, that is fine. 

A submissive has more choice in submitting. They have more freedom to decide when and what they will submit themselves to. The submissive has their own limits and requirements for the relationship.

A slave agrees to submit to their Master at the beginning of their relationship and after that they have no choice but to obey all demands placed upon them. They have no limits except for what their Master decides for them.

Another way of looking at it is who has the final say- the Top/Dom/Master or the bottom/submissive/slave. If the Top has the final say, then the bottom is a slave, but if the bottom has the final say then they are a submissive.

i call myself a slave because i have given over control to Lee. She make the decisions in our relationship even if those decisions are to have me make choices. For example, She has told me that one of my duties is meal planning. i have the time to be able to spend on planning our daily meals and snacks, i know Her food preferences and i am good at organizing and preparing healthy, nutritious food. Lee has given me this duty knowing that it is something that i am good at doing. She has told me that, if is She wants or feels it is necessary, that She will review my plan but in general She trusts me to make the right choices for us. 

i'm going to end here. i know this is short but i think that i have captured my feelings and given Lee what She was looking for (and really, that's the important part!)

Reconnection

So in My last post I talked about how it has been a bit of a struggle to feel like a Domme while doing the chores, but that I am coming around to seeing in from the D perspective. Well there was a small moment this weekend that had Me silently bursting with pride at a comment My slave made. It has been hard for her to have Me doing the chores as well and there have been times when she jokingly has said that maybe I should be the slave and other times when she sadly has said that I am better at this then she was:( This weekend, however, when she saw that I had made the bed while she was brushing her teeth she looked at Me and in that little girl voice she gets she said, "You're being such a good Daddy." It was wonderful to hear that from her!

Yesterday was the second anniversary of our first date and Wednesday is the six month anniversary of our wedding day. I love you so much My wife, My slave, My little girl.

Lately, we have been sorely lacking in playtime, but yesterday we finally played...twice...and both times were amazing. How have I allowed us to go so long without that connection for us?! The first scene was about pain and power, slave needed to feel it and I needed to give it with force. The second time was about depriving elle of her senses and all sense of control to make her feel and focus on just her body and her complete surrender to My will. We both agreed it was one of our favorite scenes. Though My girl is at work right now, I feel such a stronger connection to her than I have in the last little while. Scenes aren't just about what is being done and felt in the moment for us, they reconnect us, strengthen our bond and make the rest of life seem much more balanced.

I really must stay on top of us playing more even if that means adding it to the schedule of things to do...wash dishes, check; clean cat boxes, check; beat wife, check:) What kinky person wouldn't want that as part of their "chore" list, lol.

Adrift

i still feel adrift.

Last night Lee and i had another "mini discussion" about it. i say mini cause it was just before we went to bed so we didn't talk too long about it.

i hope that what we talked about will come to fruition, and stay. i think that's our biggest problem, we talk about things and do them for a short while but they, for what reason i'm not sure, don't seem to last. They don't become a habit. i don't understand why because they are things that we have both agreed on. i guess if they don't come from the heart of the enforcer then they won't last. They have to be things that Lee really cares about. i really hope that this time they will stick. i guess that means that i hope that they are things that Lee really cares about.

i'm such a worrier, a negative thinker. i am definitely not an optimist. Not that i don't want to be, i'd love to be an optimist actually. But i don't know how to change... i sure wish i could though. I hate thinking the worst of everything. Some days i feel like i come across as a "Chicken Little" type, thinking the sky is falling when i have only been hit on the head by an acorn.

So one thing that Lee asked me to do last night is come up with a list of things that i want Her to take more control of. So i thought that i'd do that here.

Food/beverage intake

Going to the gym

Ensuring that i wear Her collar (or ankle cuffs if my neck gets too irritated)

Making sure that chores are done

Saying please when asking for things

Serving Her (sexually, foot baths, etc.)

We have talked before that physical punishments don't necessarily work but there are times when i wish She would, on top of the "thinking punishment". Beat me hard, without any sort warm-up until i beg for mercy. i don't know why... maybe so i can feel the pain that i caused Her by not pleasing Her? so i can feel Her emotions? i'm not sure. But i know i want it.

Some days i think that i'm crazy because of the things that i want/fantasize about. i mean, who in their right mind wants their wife to beat them to tears for not doing the dishes/making dinner the way Madam wants it/wearing the wrong outfit? What sane person wants to be fisted so that their pussy hurts the next time it's fucked?

Some people may take offence to me saying that i wonder if those things make me crazy, that i'm implying that that therefore makes them crazy too. i'm not, so please don't. And i know what i'm not crazy. I just kinda wonder sometimes, ya know?

Well, that was enough randomness for today i think! :)

Moving

Every day brings us closer and closer to moving. i really don't feel prepared to do it though, financially or otherwise. i'm really concerned that we have bitten off more than we can chew at the moment.

We have started going through papers to get rid of any that we don't need (Lee has a lot of papers with writing ideas, drawings and such that she's trimming down, i have recipes mostly). We also want to go through our books, CDs and movies. i have started weeding out clothes that don't fit or that i just don't wear anymore.

The other night i looked into flying with our cats and we discovered that Air Canada has a black out period for live cargo during the time we were hoping to go so now we are thinking that we will have to ship them before we leave. i really don't want to do that, our kitties will be so scared to be in a new home with other animals (we're probably staying with my Mom and Stepdad) and not have their Mommies.

my Mom has a friend who owns a long distance moving company so i have asked her is she would find out if he could give us a deal (and what kind of price we're looking at). i know that when i moved out here my ex and i were looking at about $2000 for a moving company, which Lee and i cannot afford.

i have started the process to get my licence in Manitoba. It's costing a fortune! It's been about $350 all together to get the forms filled out by the different places, notarized copies of our marriage certificate and my birth certificate, passport photos, a criminal record check. Then i have to pay for my licence which i believe is another $450. i'd better get a job quickly to make this all worth it!

i am so worried about how our M/s is going to look when we are living with my family. We won't have any private time for playing, i won't be able to overtly serve Her, lay at Her feet or many of the things that we do now. i just hope a tiny fraction will survive long enough that we can recover it once we are back out on our own.

*~*~*~*

i confessed to Lee recently that i have been feeling somewhat lost lately. i feel like my submission has been waning, again. i just don't feel very submissive. Madam says that my behaviour has been much better than when She first made the Behaviour Modification Plan but i don't know why because it doesn't get used very much. i guess that's the biggest thing that She sees so therefore uses to judge my level of submission but to me there is so much more. Like my drive and want to serve, which is low.

i think there are a few things contributing.

The first being that i have had a terrible rash on my neck and couldn't wear my collar. i have just recently started wearing it again sporadically and hope to increase the amount that i am wearing it more and more. Hopefully that'll help with that aspect.

The next part is that with working as much as i have in the past month and a half we haven't had as much time together as we used to, therefore we aren't getting time to play or other activities that connect us. And when we do play either i and/or She feels tired and so play time is shorter, less intense or both than i would like (need) it to be.

Another big part is that Lee has been very stressed about work for reasons that i'm not going to get into. For that reason, i feel like her active domination has lessened and i feel guilty asking Her for more as i don't want to put added stress on Her.

And last but not least the stress of moving. As i mentioned earlier we are starting to go through stuff and that takes up valuable time but it is very necessary.

i fear that things are going to get worse before they get better as our time will be stretched even more as moving day gets closer and closer.

Well, with that being said i should be wrapping this up and hitting the boxes, i guess!

i'm Back!

i'm not entirely sure what to write about today but for some reason I have the urge to write. Maybe cause it's been so long since i have and/or i finally have had enough time to catch up on *most * of the household stuff that i wouldn’t feel guilty for writing.

Well, in case you care to know what i have been doing these last few weeks i've been working more than usual. Anywhere between 3-5 (and a few weeks ago 6) days a week. Now i know to many of you that's probably the norm but not for me and because of it i have been tired and sore.

The other think that i have been doing is birthday shopping for Lee. Tuesday is a big birthday, a milestone, you could say, so i have been hunting for the perfect gift. This proved to be an almost impossible task. What kind of gift adequately represents my love and devotion to my wife/Master? I can't say what i ended up with right now cause then Lee would read it so you all will have to wait until after Tuesday yourselves to find out just like She does. But i think i did good...i hope!

*~*~*~*~*

Last Tuesday (or was it Wednesday? i think it was Wednesday... i can't remember!!) Madam decided that for the day i needed to ask permission to leave Her presence. Any time i wanted to do anything, even if it was something that She told me to do i had to ask. She's never required this of me before so when She told me about this i was worried that i'd forget, which i did a few times but overall i did pretty well with remembering.

Then on Thursday, She made me text Her to ask permission to go to the bathroom. The rule was that i had to wait 10 minutes for a reply and if She was busy and couldn't in that time then after the 10 minutes i was allowed to go. i remembered to text Her both times!

After She got home from work She we talked about how i felt about having to ask permission to go to the bathroom. i told Her that it is somewhat embarrassing to have to ask but that since i was fairly certain that She'd say yes that i wasn't really concerned. So She told me that next time maybe She won't say yes so quickly….next time?!? i'm not sure if this is leading up to always having to ask permission but if it is i'm not entirely sure that i like the idea. It's not the asking in and of itself that worries me but more that She will say no when i really need to go and then i will have to beg to go. i think that would be supremely humiliating.

And i also worry that this is going to lead to no bathroom privacy. i already pee with the door open and don’t care if Madam is in the bathroom when i'm doing so but the thought of having to go number 2 openly is not something that i even want to think about. i know many slaves have no bathroom privacy but i don't know if i'm okay with that.

i'm probably reading more into the two days of asking permission than i should be but i am a worrier (as i'm sure i've mentioned before).

A Word of Caution.... :)

i am so excited!! Madam and i have been talking about wanting to try another rape scene! Am i a happy little sub?? Yes Ma'am, i am!! Oh!, the thought of being used against my will.... Back to the post ;)

She said that She is feeling more confident about being able to use the force necessary to control me and physically top me even if/when i'm fighting back. Why? Well a couple of reasons really... for instance, our sex in general has become rougher which means She knows how far She can push me. When we first tried to have a rape scene we had not even broached some of the edgier play that i would now consider to be part of our regular play. Also, She now believes me that i want and enjoy when it hurts, physically and emotionally... apparently smiling like an idiot when talking about it later is a good indicator that one enjoyed the activity being mentioned and i've been doing a lot of smiling after some fun stuff that's been going on in the bedroom lol!

But can i just put out a quick suggestion to fellow subs and say that it's never in your best interest to say anything along the lines of the following... "Either i have gotten used to Your spankings, Madam or You aren't hitting as hard as You used to." Not in your best interest, i do not suggest that one ever say that their Domme is not hitting "hard enough"... Especially when the answer you get is " No slut, i'm hitting you harder than before" accented with a look that tells me that was not the best i could have said. But those who know me will know that i do not have a filter at times. That, i believe is why got a spanking that had tears welling up in my eyes a bit last night. :) As well as other delicious things!


The only thing worse a sub could do would be to say they want to be used without being allowed to orgasm themselves for days possibly.... but we won't say that!

Struggling

Lately i have been struggling on how to balance work and my submission. i realize that submitting isn't really what you do but about a frame of mind. Madam has finished revamping Her rules and such so i'm hoping that having Her control me more will help me settle down. But most days i just feel like i only have the energy for one or the other and i don't know how to split my mental and physical energies between work and Madam.

i have a hard time coming home from work and just shutting off that aspect of life. i am a nurse in a dementia unit in a care home. i am constantly telling people (mostly the residents) what to do, how to do it and why i want them to do it....repeatedly. It can be emotionally draining. Add to that the fact that i get to thinking about how this is going to be Madam and/or i when we get old. And things happen that i need to vent about and i forget to ask Lee about Her day before doing so.

As much as i know that Lee doesn't mind hearing about my day i feel it is disrespectful to come home and unload my baggage on Her.

If anyone has any tips on balancing submission and work please please please send them my way, i would be forever grateful.

On a happier note, i re-arranged our living room the other day and it turned out fabulous! We now have more distinct office and lounging areas. Also, i think our hunt for a kitchen table and chairs may be drawing to a close. We have found a second hand one online that sounds promising, the only drawback is that it only has two chairs and we wanted 4 for when we have company over for a meal. But we shouldn't have too much of a problem getting 2 more we don't think. So, hopefully one day this week our kitchen will finally look and feel complete.

i'm a bad sub...again :(

The other night i went to my first kink event. It was at a local gay bar that i have been to many times before so i was in familiar ground at least. i went with some of the women in the submissive womens’ group that i attend.

i was kind of disappointed though. i thought there would have been more kink/fetish stuff going on but it was pretty tame. There was a guy doing suspension bondage and another doing temporary piercings off in the back corner and there was a St. Andrew’s cross for a while on the middle of the dance floor. Two women did a 20ish minute fire play show which i personally thought was not very exciting, it just seemed so acted out, too showey or scripted or something. i didn't stay till the end of the night and i think there was another show but i'm not exactly sure what it was about.

The reason that i’m telling you this is because i got some temporary piercings done. i had three 22-gauge needles on each side of my collar bone. i was curious as to what it would feel like and someone that i was with was interested in doing it but was kind of nervous so i said that i’d do it first so they could watch. (when i was in nursing school i had practiced giving injections with needles about that size on myself so i knew that it wouldn’t be too bad) It felt good in a way, a bit of an endorphin rush but not at all kinky. In fact it felt very clinical, akin to getting real piercings done but with loud music and a whole bunch of people around. Apparently i was supposed to have them removed before i left but buddy wasn’t at the station and i didn’t want to make the woman who was giving me a ride home wait so i wore them home.

Well, Madam was not happy with me at all to say the least. At first She thought i had been part of a scene. Once i had explained that it was definitely not a scene she was still upset that i had done something like that without asking. Which, looking back at it now, if the roles were reversed i’d be pretty pissed too. She owns my body and i violated that ownership. AARRRGGH… how do i think that i’m ever going to be “good enough” to be a slave, i can’t even be a good obedient sub.

In my own defence, i know that needle/piercing play is something that Madam is not interested in doing, heck it’s a hard limit for Her. i didn’t think she would care very much since i’m not doing something that’s between us. But like She pointed out, there have been other things on the hard limits list that have been removed and that we do now so that could also happen to needle/piercing play. And the biggest thing was that i took away Her control and ownership of me.

Maybe one day She and i will try it. i think it’s something that i could really enjoy in a scene. i enjoyed the sharp bit of pain of the needle entering my flesh and i always love the “reminders” from play with Madam and i do have a couple small bruises so it would be fun to know that She was the one who had left them rather than some random dude at the bar. i think She might too, if She looks at it as a new way of penetrating me ;) and giving me pleasurable pain. And if Her back keeps bugging Her it's something that doesn't require Her to put too much oomph into it like flogging.

i promised Her that i would try very hard to be more respectful toward Her. i will ask before doing anything that would be considered kinky or play-like. Cause like She told me, She would have said yes but i took away Her opportunity to make decisions for me.

While at the bar i ran into the ex-bf whom i have told about Madam and i. i am so thankful that i had told him before cause i don’t know what i would have said if he’d seen me wearing my collar and corset with a bunch of needles in my skin. And no Lee? so whom are you here with elle? i am a terrible liar and even worse so when i have to come up with something on the spot. But i didn’t have to lie, i could be honest. And it was wonderful.

Letting Go

i am a very dominant person, submission does not come naturally for me. The reason that Lee and i chose to have a 24/7 relationship was to try to balance the power in our relationship. i am a control freak to the max. i get pushy when i want my way. When i’m asked to do something, not just by Lee, i need a reason (and because i said so doesn’t cut it for me). i am a very logical step-by-step kinda gal and if i think that what you’re telling me, asking me to do, etc is bullshit then i will call you on it. And i don’t have a very good filter so i too often say what i’m thinking before i can stop to think if it’s a good idea to do so.

i keep thinking that maybe i’m in the wrong role, that i should be the Domme. But then i start thinking about all the things that i would miss. i honestly do enjoy the service, the pleasure of seeing Lee happy to come home to a clean apartment, dinner and an eager mouth waiting to be filled with Her taste. i love making Her life easier and more enjoyable.

Most of my sexual fantasies have always been about being taken, used, forced, hard rough sex. And that’s why i first started looking into BDSM stuff. i very rarely crave soft sensual romantic sex. For me the harder, the dirtier, the more “abusive” the better. Grab me by a fist full of my hair, shove me to my knees and tell me to obey and i will wet my panties. i don’t for one second doubt that i am at the very least a sexual submissive and somewhat of a masochist.

Oh i don’t know. And worse i don’t know how find out. Lee and i have talked about trying out switching roles but i don’t know that that would give us me a good idea unless it went for a while, a month or more maybe even. We’d have to keep it up until the frenzy/newness of it wore off. I’ve contemplated the idea that i might be a masochistic/bottom Domme but then i go back to the whole service.

i think what it is that i need a strong heavy handed Domme to take my control/power/need to be right away. Someone who won’t let me get away with the things i have been doing lately, someone who’ll say you will obey or you will be sorry.

Well, i have to go finish my chores and get dinner started so i think I’m going to leave it here. If anyone has any advise they can offer to help i’d be ever so grateful

Mouthy Sub=Bad Sub

Some days i wish i still had sub frenzy. For me it wasn't just that i wanted to try everything kinky all at once, i also had way more drive to completely submit. No bratty attitude, no talking back, no excuses, i did what was expected of me and then some. But it's gone and wishing won’t bring it back. i don’t really think i want it back to be honest. i just want to be a “good sub” and loose the attitude that i have, for some unknown reason, seemed to have picked up recently.

Ok so it’s not entirely unknown. i have always been very strong willed. i am the first born and a Capricorn. my last girlfriend was very emotionally walled in and often the only way to reach her was by manipulating her and/or the situation. i am used to being in control, leading. i can be very rigid once i have decided on something. All qualities that are probably not the best for someone who wants to be a submissive. Now, i realize that there are all types, oh please, i know. But there are some general qualities that most subs possess and that i want to as well. i guess that’s it, i want to be more submissive, and not just with Lee but in life in general. i have caught myself in work and personal situations being bossy and i don’t like it one bit.

Alright, on to the problem at hand. i have been quite mouthy lately and no matter what i do to try to stop it, i just seem to be getting worse. For example, i haven't been showering with Lee as much for the last few weeks a few reasons. So the other day I did finally have a shower with her. We both were hoping that Her marking me would help put me back into the headspace. It did- until i finished washing Lee and started washed myself, thereby ridding myself of Her physical mark, so all of about two minutes!! The brattiness was back before we even got out of the shower!! L

A lot of time when i am being mouthy i’m making some sort of joke about Her dominance, which i’m sure is not helpful at all at in instilling confidence in Her or re-assuring Her that i want Her to be my Domme. It starts as a joking but i usually take it too far, i just don’t know where the line is between joking around and being a brat.

I’ve seen other subs posting on FetLife asking for help with this exact issue and the responses they get are mostly along the lines of think before you speak and/or keep a marble (or some similar object) in your mouth. I don’t know how useful the think before you speak suggestion is for me cause i tend to shoot off before i think, it’s generally not that i decide to talk back, etc (at least at first then usually i continue cause i don’t get told to stop/shut up/etc the first time and continue until Madam does tell me to do so). As for the marble idea, well, i would be worried about choking.

When we were making up my rules Madam was adamant about not having a rule to prevent me from speaking freely, She wanted me to be able to say what i wanted when i wanted, except when directly in service. I’m starting to wonder if that’s the best choice right now. I don’t want to dictate the rules to Her (to me that screams topping from the bottom, even though Madam and i made the majority of the original rules together) but i think i may need tighter rules on my ability to speak. Maybe rules, enforced rules with serious punishments for infractions will help train me to stop saying things that i shouldn’t. i understand that the reason that the rule wasn’t put in place was because Lee didn’t want me to become a different person all together or feel like i couldn‘t say something that i thought needed to be said. I get that and i don’t want to change who i am fundamentally, i just want to change this aspect.

Sometimes i feel like She just expects me to train myself. i want to be what She wants me to be but so far i have very little idea what that actually entails. i want to be the sub She moulds me into being. Everything about my submission right now is generic, i feel like it has come out of a one size fits all submissive kit. Maybe that’s a bit exaggerated but i don’t really feel like i’m Lee’s sub any more than a sub, except that we had/have a romantic relationship aside from the D/s. If it weren’t for our history i think that i probably would have gotten even more frustrated at the lack of control. i would start to wonder why i was even there, why does She have a sub if She isn’t wanting to make me into Her sub. i'm feeling a lack of HER ownership. Does She want me to be Her sub or a sub? Shall i continue to be a generic, out of the box, no personalizations sub indefinitely? How can one feel like their Madam/Master/etc’s sub when they haven’t received any real guidance as to what that should look like? Maybe i’m being overly dramatic, overly demanding, it was my idea to do this in the first place. i should accept that this is a process, she is learning Herself. How can She teach me what to be when She doesn’t even know what She wants?



But She is the one who is supposedly in charge. i need Her to stop allowing me to dish out the shit that i have been and start demanding that i comply. i need consequences for my actions.

Or maybe, just maybe i need to stop being so needy. i need to think more about what Madam needs and less about what i need. Maybe that’ll solve the problem.

Ranting and Updating and Goals! Oh, my!

What to say... what to say...?

One of my rules is that i have to blog twice a week and it's Thursday and i haven't blogged once yet this week. i have been a busy little sub- baking, meal planning, cleaning, getting my resume updated and so on and so on.

i think i'm going to start off with a bit of a rant today. i am a member of a few submissive groups on Fetlife and i have been noticing lately that so many women (and men i guess but it seems to be more so the women) think that there is one "way" to be a sub/slave (herein known as s-type), have a D/s relationship, please their Mater/Mistress (herein known as M-type), etc. i get so frustrated and shout at my computer screen which i realize doesn't help anything but i cannot for the life of me understand why so many probably very intelligent women think there is one way?!?! Yes there are how-to books, but they are mostly suggestions and if something isn't right for you or your relationship then modify it or don't do it. It won't make you less of a s-type if you don't enjoy cooking for your Master/Mistress or if you aren't a masochist or what ever it is you think you are "supposed to do" if you and your M-type have agreed that is isn't right for the two (or more, if you're poly) of you, there are no kinky police who will come and throw you in jail if you don't do certain things. Ok, for things like flogging, caning or other actual play activities, yes there are right and wrong ways for safety reasons but last time i checked the s-type doesn;t usually do those things anyways. Chill out, you're not "doing it" wrong!!! AARRGGAAH!!! i have never really thought that Lee and i had to do anything we didn't want to. i have a bad knee- when it's bad i don't kneel, i sit cross-legged. i also get pretty bad headaches-when i do i'm relieved from doing my more intensive tasks, or putting them off for another day. And guess what? Lee doesn't punish me for sitting cross-legged, having a headache, not being able to do laundry cause the machines were all full...sometimes things are out of a person's control. i mentioned that maybe the reason that we never felt like we had to conform is because of the fact that we are lesbians and are used to not doing things the way society says is correct/normal but like i said i have never felt like i/we must do anything we didn't want to (except my tasks-some days i really don't feel like doing them but alas i must lol!)



OK i've said it. i'm done ranting...for today lol!! if anyone has anything to add or would like to counter what i have said please leave a comment.

The bumps that Madam and i were experiencing are smoothing out quite nicely. She has done an amazing job of stepping up to the plate and giving me a Madam to submit to. We have work to do yet but we are headed in the right direction

Madam has found two new ways of reminding me that i am Hers.

The first is one that neither of us thought that we would do let alone like enough to add to our regular routine. What is it you ask? Madam has begun marking me with Her urine on days that i shower with Her. i kneel in the bottom of the tub and while Her warm stream runs over my back i feel myself falling deeper and deeper into my place as Her property. It started after i was acting very feisty the other day and She decided to show me that as Her property She can do anything She wanted to. Now i know that we have it in our hard limits, but we had talked a bit about it and i had mentioned that i would be up for trying it as i thought it would make me feel very owned but i really didn't think Lee was into the idea at all. i love it and think it is helping me feel more owned through the day, kind of like the maintenance spankings (but since we do those just before bed i don't find their affect carries through to the next day).


The other way is through wearing bells on my ankle cuffs so i can hear each step i take. i know there are many subs who only have a necklace, bracelett or other "vanilla looking" "collar" but i love the reminders. Maybe that's cause we're still new at this and i need the more physical stuff right now. i love having all my senses reminded of Madam's ownership of me. So now i am reminded through sight, touch, smell (i can smell the leather of my collar sometimes, especially when i've been working hard-incentive to work hard? maybe!!) and sound. i am also reminded throughout the day mentally when i repeat my mantra.



We have been talking about me topping Lee for a scene. i have topped her before, in play and in a vanilla sense but not since i became Her sub. So... if anyone has any suggestions on how to maintain my submissive-ness while topping Madam, please throw them this way.

One other quick note, Madam and i have talked a bit about us working one day towards me becoming Her slave! i don't really know how that will happen but She has/is getting over the negative connitations She had about me being Her slave and i guess that's the first step. We both have a lot of growing to do before it happens but i'm glad to know that we have a long term goal to work towards as well as the shorter term ones.

Well, i think i've stalled the chores long enough and since i have another busy day i should probably end this here and get going on the tasks at hand. Oh the life of a sub!! But i wouldn't change if for anything.

Feeling Owned

Wednesday was Lee's day off. We were laying in bed relaxing before getting up for the day when She started to play with my nipples. After getting them hard She moved to my clit. After a minute or two i asked Her to put mark me (put Her collar on me). She told me to get into collar position- kneeling up, head bowed and arms behind my back. After She had it in place, She lifted my chin, kissed my lips hard and started to play with my clit again. In that moment i felt little. Then she told me not to close my eyes, to look into her eyes when i came. She held my head in her free hand and if i closed my eyes She kinda shook it and told me to open my eyes.

That made the owned feeling grow tenfold. i always thought to feel under Her control sexually i have to be bound in some way, helpless, unable to escape. In a way i guess i was.

i took longer to climax than usual, which isn't a bad thing cause i can be a hairpin trigger, if you know what i mean but when the waves of my orgasm took over my body my eyes were looking straight into Madam's.

It was emotionally intense. i have nothing of my own, i turn all of my being over to my Madam. Even my orgasms belong to her. i am totally owned.

i collapsed onto her chest and sobbed while she stroked my head.

Yesterday just before bed Lee and i started fooling around. i thought that we were just going to have vanilla sex until she pushed me onto our bed and climbed on top of me. We made out for a bit before she ordered me to undress for her. While i was stripping she told me that she wanted to bury Her face in my pussy... which i'm not terribly fond of (i love doing it to her but i feel awkward/embarrassed when it's done to me). i guess you could call it a soft limit but one that we are working on trying to overcome.

i kept telling myself that my body is for Her enjoyment. After a while i started to get into it more until she decided to try going further down and bean to lick my ass. That was the first time she has done that and i almost started crying i felt so embarrassed but at the same time it felt good.

Again i felt owned, that Madam was going to take pleasure in my body any She wanted.

In the end She penetrated my pussy with Her strong fingers and filled me while she sucked my clit until i gave Her the pleasure of my orgasm. After i came she continued to suck my clit, which made me feel owned on another level (i get very sensitive after orgasm and it is very uncomfortable for me to have my clit stimulated). But i stopped myself from pushing Her off like i would have done a few months ago and let Her continue until She was finished with me.

Thank you Madam for pushing me to explore my limits and for taking pleasure in your little slut.

i love you Poppi!!!!!!!