Bits From my Brain

This is a ramble of thoughts. i am just writing thoughts out as they come so hopefully it will make at least some sense.

-i miss Kahwaii so badly it hurts all over my body. i have cried what feels like an ocean of tears. But i don't think i've had a chance to fully grieve my loss because i feel like i have to watch over Master as She isn't taking the breakup very well. i've had to remind Her that She needs to eat and to keep putting one foot in front of another. The day after Kahwaii broke up with Master and i i was very hurt. We were supposed to go to the wedding of some friends but we ended up cancelling and just hanging out the two of us. We went and saw a cute movie and went out for dinner.

-i keep trying to tell myself that nothing is permanent and that some people aren't meant to be in your life story forever but i don't feel like the story that Master and i were writing with Kahwaii was over yet. There were so many things left to experience with her. But maybe she was meant to be in our lives for a short period of time to teach us how to poly better so that if/when the next opportunity comes up i/we will be better prepared for it. i don't want that, right now i just want her back.

-i feel guilty for Master loosing Kahwaii. If it weren't for my problems, the two of them could be together. i have even gone so far as to suggest that the two of them carry on without me, which they both declined. i know i have a lot of baggage with my borderline personality disorder and have been trying to work on getting my emotions under control.

-i want so badly to hate Kahwaii. It would make this easier. i could say good riddance and move on. But i can't. She means so much to me and i can't just turn those feeling off as i have discovered.

-Master and i have been talking nonstop. There are things that we have agreed that need to be worked on, longstanding problems that we have been brushing aside lately. Things that if you went back years in the blog you'd probably find being mentioned there like my obedience and Her consistency and our differing needs for sex and play.

-Last night, for the first time in a long time Master and i danced in our kitchen without music, something we used to do regularly. As we slowly turned and twirled in silence i could feel us reconnecting. It was a beautiful moment and one that i will remember for a while. We need more of these moments.

-Master told me last night how She is proud of me for staying calm and level headed (i think those were the words She used) through all of this, especially since i have been off my meds for about a week and a half now. i think this goes back to what i said earlier about having to take care of Her and trying to remember the impermanence stuff. i am proud of myself for not shutting down and resorting to cutting to manage my sadness or getting angry and raging (both of which have crossed my mind). i am trying to stay emotionally stable and keep busy so that i can let time and distance heal my wounds. As a nurse i know that a deep wound must heal from the bottom up, it can't just close over or it will abscess. Healing from an emotional wound is similar, if i try to just seal it over then i could create bigger problems for down the road. i am learning the hard way from being with Kahwaii that i need to deal with my shit as it happens so i can fully devote myself to my present relationship rather than it rearing it's ugly head at a later date.

-i want to turn to our Leather family but i know they have a lot of their own shit to deal with right now and don't want to burden them with more problems. Who does one talk to then? i told my mom and she didn't seem to care all that much. We have a bunch of acquaintances but not a lot of close friends that i would talk to about this shit. We can only afford for me to see my psychologist once a month.

-Last night one of Kahwaii's other subs came to pick up Kahwaii's vape that she left here the day she came over to break up with us. i gave her a can of diet squirt (long story) to give to her in hopes that Kahwaii will realize that we are still thinking about her and miss her terribly.

-Kahwaii was our first and because of that there will always be a special place in my heart for her.

Obedience

“Obedience is a form of social influence where an individual acts in response to a direct order from another individual, who is usually an authority figure. It is assumed that without such an order the person would not have acted in this way. Obedience occurs when you are told to do something (authority), whereas conformity happens through social pressure (the norms of the majority). Obedience involves a hierarchy of power / status. Therefore, the person giving the order has a higher status than the person receiving the order.” (copied from simplypsychology.org/obedience.html)

Obedience in a M/s context means that the slave is consciously choosing to submit his/her mind and body to the will of their Master, their rules, rituals and protocols. For most slaves this is a learned behavior that must be practiced and slowly expanded upon. For me it most certainly has been learned. It’s something that i have been working on it since we started down this path over six years ago. i have been, up till now, very strong willed and can be disobedient at times if I'm not in the right headspace. Obedience has to become a state of being almost, a complete acquiescence to the slave’s chosen authority figure, in my case, to Master. It is usually a foundational ingredient in most M/s relationships, whether casual or 24/7 or anywhere in between. It’s one of those relationship make it or break it kind of tenants in my relationship with Master. Declaring my obedience to Her is part of the mantra that i say.

For a Power Exchange to work smoothly the slave must be obedient. This way the Master knows what kind of reaction to expect. It can make the difference between a successful and unsuccessful M/s relationship. In a TPE the Master should be able to expect that what He/She says will be followed with a minimum of questioning.

No slave can be 100% obedient all the time. i struggle with my obedience at times. It can be very challenging mentally to obey sometimes, especially when i strongly disagree.

At the core of obedience is respect and humility. Respect for your Master and your dynamic. Respect for the trust that you have placed in your Master. And humility in that you need to remember your place in your relationship as slave.

How do you demonstrate your obedience, beyond just following their rules?

-Pay close attention to your Master, especially when around others. Stop what you are doing and look at them while they are speaking. Making eye contact is also a good way to show you are paying attention. This makes them feel special, respected, appreciated, honoured, and proud of their slave.

-Don’t roll your eyes or back talk when they ask you to do something. This is just passive aggressive behavior and will generally not get you the desired outcome. If you have them, present your opposing viewpoint (if you’re allowed to do so) politely and in keeping with your dynamic. Being obedient doesn’t mean that you will always agree with your Master but it does mean that you may not have the final decision. Also remember to try to pick a good time and place for you to share your disagreement.

-Be polite all the time. Ask for their permission for things and use your please and thank you’s.

-Do things the first time you are asked, the way you were asked. Don’t make your Master have to ask you a second time and do exactly what they have asked of you and nothing less. Delaying something that your Master has asked of you is like saying that whatever you are doing is more important than what they asked you to do. It is frustrating and annoying to your Master and makes them feel unimportant and possibly taken for granted i once heard a saying that goes something like delayed obedience becomes immediate disobedience; partial obedience is complete disobedience.

-Do things that they haven’t asked that you know they like. i like to ask Master if She needs anything when i am up so i can get/do something for Her.

-If you disagree with your Master, consider the reasons that they have told you to do something/denied you something/etc. before getting upset.

Now for my personal experience. Part of the reason that i chose to “research” this topic was because Master and i have agreed that we need to be working on our relationship more actively and this was one of the areas that we thought i needed to work on to improve our M/s. i’d say that my biggest challenge is not so much with not responding immediately to orders, but with begrudging Master for making me do something that i’m not wanting to do at the moment. This comes out in poor attitude and slower service. Some Masters say that they don’t care about whether the slave is enjoying the ordered task as long as they do it but i think that to put your whole heart into it means that you are happily providing the requested service. i believe that part of my problem comes from my mental illness. i have very black and white thinking so i either love or hate something so if i’m asked to do something that i don’t like i have a hard time forcing myself to enjoy it to put all of myself into the ordered task. i am also forgetful and a bit absent minded at times; i forget what exactly Master told me to do or to perform a ritualized order. So what am i doing to correct my problems with obedience? Well, first of all i am writing this blog which forced me to take a look at my own obedience and decided that obedience will be the topic for discussion at the next submissives group get together. So i am gathering ideas on how to be more obedient and seeking support. i have also made a commitment to myself to be more immediately obedient and try to serve Master more happily in remembering that making Her happy makes me happy. i have also decided that i need to work on getting my borderline personality disorder under better control and need to brush up on my mindfulness skills. In choosing to obey i am setting myself free of the constraints of having to make choices for myself and us.

Through my travels on the interwebs i found this little quote that i will leave you with: “They may not always be right but they will always be Master.”

Our Fifth Anniversary

Five years today! It has been five years that Master and i have been married. It seems like it happened both just yesterday and forever ago. The day we got married was one of the happiest days of my life! i have been looking back at where we have come in the past five years and i can't believe some of the leaps and bounds that we have made in our lives both kink/M/s-wise and personally. We have been through a lot and come out much stronger as individuals and as a couple.

In our personal lives, moving and trying to have a baby were probably our two biggest challenges. Moving was huge for us because we were leaving behind the life we knew together. The planning was stressful, we had to get our shit and ourselves as well as our four cats half way across the country. Lee was moving to a city She had never even been to. i  was doing something i told myself that i'd never do, move back to the city i grew up in. For me, moving was, in a way, like admitting defeat; i was returning to a place that i had told myself i'd never live in again. If i thought moving was hard, going through trying to have a baby was even more tough. We spent so much time and money on trying to have a baby and in the end, almost exactly a year ago now, we decided not to continue pursuing that path. That decision was hard and i still struggle with it sometimes. Just yesterday i had a few moments where i started second guessing if we had made the right decision, first when i saw a cute little girl and the second time was when i was going through baby clothes that we had in storage. (we took them to a consignment store) It hurts and i don't think many people realize that i still struggle with that decision. Sometimes it feels like we failed or like we lost our dream.

In addition to those changes i have also applied to go back to school, which was a bit stressful and will be even more so when it actually happens. Also my mental health continues to be a struggle, some times more so than others. Just recently i had a pretty huge emotional/angry outburst in front of both Master and Kahwaii that we have now decided was brought on by the down swing of some great humiliation play.

In our kink/M/s lives revamping our M/s, going to Power eXchange Summit and meeting our family were the biggest events. When we got married, our M/s was at the peak of where it was when we were living in Victoria, in my opinion. It really fell off for a while while we were getting shit together to move and for about the first oh, six to nine or so months after we moved. After we started attending MAsT, and in particular the protocol dinner that MAsT hosted, our dynamic took off and we have been only getting stronger and stronger as the months and now years pass. We have more structure and protocols now, which i thrive under because i like things to be organized and in order. We never really figured out what happened to make it all click and stay together finally but i am so glad that it did! Power eXchange Summit was THE highlight of 2015 in my opinion. We were just so lucky to be immersed in the TPE/M/s energy that was flowing at the conference. It gave us a few new perspectives/insights on our relationship and it opened Master's eyes to cuckqeaning. Meeting Sir J and d has given Master and i something that i think every TPE and/or M/s couple needs, more than just best friends, they are our Leather family. If shit were to ever really hit the fan i know without a doubt they would be there for us in an instant just as we would for them. Master and i are able to be completely honest with them about any aspect of our lives. We also have Kahwaii, who may not be part of our Leather family but i do consider her to be family none the less. She is a joy and a blessing that i never would have thought was possible. Because of her Master and i can explore some sexual activities that are impossible to do alone. But more importantly it has proven to us that love is not divided but multiplies when another partner is added. i now have the honour and privileged of loving and serving two wonderful women. i feel more loved by Master now than before we had Kahwaii in our lives.

Five years. How can it feel like both just an instant and forever? Sometimes i feel like i know so much about Master that it is impossible that it has only been five years. But as they say time flies when you're having fun and these past five years have definitely been a blast! i can't wait for the next five and how ever many more after that....

Breaking Down Walls and Getting Over Jealousy

As anyone who is close to me can attest to, i have some pretty high and thick walls that surround me.
Why do i put up walls? i guess in a sense it's a control thing. The less someone knows about me the less they have to use to hurt me. There are many reasons for the walls, there are two big ones though. The first being that i grew up with two alcoholic parents. They were not abusive in a traditional sense but let's just say that i took care of my sister a lot when we were young. The second reason is that my last girlfriend before Lee was verbally and emotionally abusive. She would call me crazy, stupid or other names, she would threaten me and used the removal of affection and emotional detachment as ways to "punish" me if i had been "bad" (not that we used those words though). my mental health struggles also make me scared to let people in. i'm scared that if someone sees the real crazy in me they will get scared off themselves. i have a huge fear of abandonment so rather than be abandoned, i have a habit of just not letting people in and/or pushing them away. i think another fear i have is doing or saying something to jeopardize the relationship Master has with Kahwaii. Another piece in the problem pie is that i have viewed needing help as a sign of weakness and that being offered help was a way of the other person telling me that they thought that i was weak.

i have a have a hard time knocking down those walls to let people in and get close to me; they end up having to climb over them instead. This is not good for anybody to do but especially in a budding D/s relationship it is really not good. But that is what i have been doing to Kahwaii. Last night, we (all three of us) had a conversation about where things between her and i are going among other things. We have decided that we are going to pursue a D/s dynamic. The details of what rules and protocols weren't discussed much other than that i will be punished if she tells me to do something and i don't (which happened last week and is part of what spurred this conversation). She also wants me to check in via text with her more often; she had said not necessarily every day but i think i will try to do it daily just to keep in the habit of it. i had already started serving her drinks and such like i do with Master and since she enjoys it i will continue to do it. She also already punishes me for biting my nails by moving stuff around in my kitchen. So there are a few things we do. i think some sort of greeting ritual could be beneficial, kind of like having the mantra i say with Master which we both find very centering. Master also mentioned that She is thinking that Kahwaii will be in charge of enforcing Master's rules for me when it's just Kahwaii and i.

So how do i go about letting Kahwaii in without making her climb over my walls? Surely now that i/we have acknowledged that they exist it should be easier to knock them down, that seems to me to be the first step in the process. So what is next? i think i need to talk to her about my past more. Maybe if i open up about the two issues that i've already mentioned plus all the other shit that has happened in my life maybe then she will understand where i come from a bit more. Plus, i need to be honest about my feelings and worries, which up till now i haven't been so great at. i believe that Kahwaii has earned my trust and i need to reciprocate by opening up. She has demonstrated to me that she doesn't plan on leaving nor will she intentionally harm me. i need to surrender myself to her.

Two weekends ago was Pride here. Kahwaii had mentioned that she didn't have anything rainbow to wear to Pride. So Master and i went to see if we could find something for her at the Pride market on the Saturday. We were unsuccessful so after the parade on Sunday we went back to look in the market again and found a bracelet that we decided to get her. After the festival we all came back to the house and long story short Master gave the bracelet to Kahwaii without me. She was under the impression that the bracelet was a gift from Her while i thought it was from us. i got upset a few days later when i saw Kahwaii wearing it. It brought out feelings of jealousy in two ways i now realize after talking to my psychologist about the situation. The first is the one that i had already considered. i was jealous of Master getting to give Kahwaii a gift and jealous of Kahwaii for getting something when i hadn't, especially because i thought that Master had gone back to get me one too when She went to get us food. i thought i had worked them out until yesterday when Master was the one to give Kahwaii the small gift we brought her back from our trip and it re-opened the flood gate of jealous feelings.

To Kahwaii: You were right last night when you said that we have to make what we have work as far as our poly dynamic goes. i think if we can make the cucking work for all of us the dynamic between you and i will grow so much stronger; our power exchange will only strengthen. i'm beyond thrilled that you have agreed to try cucking me. You will make such a beautiful cuckcake! You were also right when you said that i thrive on routine and structure. So that means i need you to enforce the rules and protocols that you decide on and to keep me in line if my "toppy" play is getting to be too much. In serving and obeying you i not only make you happy but i make myself happy too. i hate that i made you mad by disobeying what you told me to do and will take what ever punishment you decide is warranted. i am sorry. i am also sorry that i was trying to hide my feelings from you, especially jealousy about the bracelet that Master gave you.

My Take On Stuff and Things and a Bit More On Cucking

This may be a bit short as i have a dental appointment in a a few hours that i need to get myself ready for soon but i really wanted to get my feelings out while they were fresh on my mind.

i titled this my take on stuff and things because i don't know what stuff and things means to Kahwaii, in all honesty i don't fully know what it means to Master either. i've been struggling with what stuff and things means to myself and after talking with our Leather family and Master i think i have a bit of a better understanding on what it means to me. i imagine that it will evolve and in time i might have to re-evaluate what stuff and things means but for now here's what stuff and things means to me.

i care deeply for Kahwaii. When she's not around i miss her and wish that i were with her. i think about her from time to time and wonder what she is doing. i wonder if she's thinking about me. When she is around i want to be close to her. i want to touch her, kiss her and do sexy things with her. i immensely enjoy our sex and crave feeling her hands on every inch of my body. But i also enjoy just sitting with her and talking, finding out more about her. When she laughs, it makes me happy. When she is upset or crying i just want to hold her and make her feel better how ever it may need to be done. i want to learn more about her, what makes her tick.

i wish that i knew exactly what stuff and things means to Kawhaii. Part of my mental illness struggle is that my thinking tends to be very black and white so i have a hard time the grey areas, the unknown. Our Leather family was trying to re-assure me that stuff and things doesn't necessarily mean the big L word but it has a meaning to her, if it's not the big L word then what is it? That's where my head goes at least and it's damn near impossible to stop the thoughts.

i am most definitely not ready for saying the big L word, i don't think that will happen any time soon. i'm just not there yet. Maybe one day but at this point to be honest i'm not sure that i want that to happen. So what exactly does that mean for stuff and things for me? Who the fuck knows.

i strongly believe if Master and Kahwaii were to have a "deeper" relationship than Kahwaii and i that i would be okay with that. To me i think that that is closer to the type of poly that i had envisioned, along the lines of cucking. The version of poly that Master and i had always talked about was more of a V-style relationship with Her as the fulcrum and the other woman and i having only sexual contact for Master's pleasure/entertainment and the two of them cucking me occasionally (or more). Our relationship with Kahwaii is definitely a triangle, all of us are in a relationship fully with each other. The triangle arrangement could still work for some sexual cucking but Kahwaii is incredibly scared of coming between Master and i. i don't think she realizes how much i'm into humiliation and degradation play. i think she thinks about it from her point of view of not wanting to have that done to her rather than seeing what appeals to me about it. But i like the feeling of being made to feel insignificant, it's the emotional masochist in me i guess. i also like that it reinforces our M/s dynamic by demonstrating how much power Master has to be able to say such "awful" things to me. It clearly shows me that i am owned property.

For example, last night Master and i role played last night about me being another woman, someone from our past. Role playing being the other woman is kind of the ultimate in humiliation because i have to make fun of myself. As i played the other woman, Master and i degraded her wife as being a pathetic slut that's only good as back-up holes for when the good ones (the other woman's) weren't available. That got Master off, which lately has been rare and i had a pretty good orgasm too.

Master and i both would like to experience cuckqueaning for real. We have come up with a few ideas as to how we might be able to incorporate it into our play with Kahwaii in ways that she is hopefully comfortable with, small things such as Master telling me that She likes kissing/ fucking/etc. Kahwaii while we all are having sex but avoiding things such as outright comparing Kahwaii and i (at least for now until we can hopefully get her more comfortable with that). At some point i would love it if the two of them were to have sex without me even there but i don't foresee that happening any time soon, if ever.

Weekend Update with a Bit Extra

The last few weekends have been great. Let me share with you…

This weekend that just passed was a blast! There is a monthly event at a local bar that Master and i pretty much always go to with our leather family, Sir J and d. This time Kahwaii and her fiancée, as well as Sir J and d’s date joined us and we met others at the bar. We started out pre-drinking and hanging out at our place. We came back here after the bar and shortly afterwards started to play. Both Lee and Sir J topping myself, d and their date (well, Lee didn’t really play with Sir J and d’s date, just d and i). All three of us ended up with some pretty colours. My colours are mostly on my arms because i made the huge mistake of calling the 30+ punches per arm punishment/funishment i received for sitting on the couch (for less than half a minute i might add) “small” instead of “sufficient” by accident and then panicked and couldn’t think of the right word (i will also add that it was determined that even if i had said sufficient after saying small i still wouldn’t have mattered at that point i had already said small). So the two sadists decided i needed another 30 punches on each arm. i received over 60 hard punches on each arm. They (my arms, not the sadists, let’s make that very clear!!) are so weak from being sore right now that i decided that i will be skipping yoga today. They are turning all kinds of shades of red and purple. i might have to get Master to take a pic or two so we can upload them to Fetlife. Sir J has this toy that is about 15 cm long and has sharp metal rivets running along the edges of it. It hurts quite a bit and leaves beautiful marks. Sir and i had looked at it before and contemplated getting it ourselves. “The Riveter”, as i called it, left its mark on my ass and thighs that has made sitting slightly uncomfortable. Sir J also bit me on the back of each of my shoulders and those spots are quite tender as well. But my arms definitely got the worst of it. As well as play, we got to spend Sunday afternoon hanging out with Sir J and d, which is always a treat. i love being able to just hang out with other people and be us. We don’t have to be concerned about what the people around think about our M/s or S/m. Just be our authentic selves and live our M/s.

The weekend before last we took Kahwaii out on a date to a restaurant that Master and i like. i broke the awkwardness right away by knocking silverware on the floor. The food was good and it felt fairly natural to be out on a date with my wife and our girlfriend. We came back here and we had some fun sexy times, including them trying to hold hands inside of me. Which, oh my god! It felt so good and painful at the same time i wanted to cry and cum at the same time. i hope they are going to try again. i asked Master if She would help me practice prior to make it more likely to be successful. Entirely only for practice though, there will be no enjoyment in it i promise! Having them both inside of me at the same time is so hot, either double penetration or double fisting, just thinking about it right now is getting my girly bits going.

It’s been a little over two months now since we first had Kahwaii over for coffee. It feels just like yesterday and yet it also seems like she’s been a part of our lives for so much longer as well because things seem to be working out smoothly for the most part. She and Master have come to see me at work a few evenings now even, once by semi-surprise. We’ve hung out one on one her and i once and her and Master a few times. i’ve had one moment of jealousy and that was when i thought that Kahwaii was about to make Master cum. i have worked my way through that now; i know why it triggered me and have come to the conclusion that i am happy if Kahwaii can make Master cum. Master was very good at supporting me through my jealousy, She even suggested we make a rule that other partners cannot make Her cum. But i want Her to enjoy Herself when we are having sex and if Kahwaii can make that happen then i don’t want to stop it. In fact i am hoping it happens now because i know how much Sir does enjoy cumming, when She does.

Otherwise, i have been feeling good about how our relationship is going. Last night while we were getting our garden ready for the summer Master and i were talking about how we are feeling about Kahwaii. We have a check-in every week, which is very helpful when new things are happening in your lives but also when things are more settled as a reminder to keep the communication going. We strongly believe that open honest communication is the cornerstone of a solid relationship. We are mostly on the same page when it comes to the feeling we have for Kahwaii and what we hope to see happen in the future since our original idea of poly was with someone who was unattached to have a closed triad with so we’ve had to re-envision our poly future.

On a semi-related note, this situation has got me thinking. Master and i have freely talked about the possibility of us moving away one day but that decision is getting harder and harder with having people who are important to us. Our leather family is so important to us i couldn’t imagine not being close to them- having them 2 hours away is too far! And in the minimum of 5 or so years it will be before we would/will move that bond will so much stronger. Plus who knows where things with Kahwaii will be, if we are still together then it will be excruciating to have to say good-bye. If it’s not her it could be someone else. i fully realize that in the future we may part ways from our leather family and/or Kahwaii. But should we stop ourselves from making these connections just because in 5 or more years we may decide that we want to move back to Victoria or somewhere else? At this point it seems like our life is here. At this point i would have an extremely hard time leaving our people.

I Love Her More Than Zombies

This warm weather and melting snow makes me want to get back out on the trails and head into the woods! I don't care if we would be hiking through two inches of mud and by the end of the day we were covered up to our knees with muck. I want to feel the exhausting weight of the pack on my back after six/eight hours on the move; I want to finish the night with the smoke of a campfire billowing around us and the flames lighting up only a small circle of the black, black night. I want to crawl into our little tent, shimmy into our sleeping bags and barely sleep because there is a rock jabbing me in the small of my back and 'fuck what was that noise' thoughts sending paranoid delusions through my head.

I want to wake up in the small hours of the morning just as the sun is coming up with the birds quietly chirping around us and open the tent to a chill morning and the utter peace and contentment that, that moment brings. Those mornings are amazing. We sit around in silence together, sipping our coffee and just breathe. No one else around, no traffic, no digital distractions; just nature, each other, and that feeling of my soul being revived.

Can we just live out there forever?

Hiking on the Mantario Trail is pretty good, but sadly it just doesn't compare to the trail we were on near Victoria. Looking out over the ocean and hearing the crash of the waves and the call of the seagulls as we pushed forward is just beyond describing. I'm sad we didn't get out there much at all before moving and even after nearly four years here, I am still homesick for Victoria. I want to go back to visit (the place more than the people, is that bad?!) but I'm afraid of how much more I will miss it once we have to leave again. I didn't think I could love a place and miss a place this much.

We moved here for very good reasons though and I would not change that decision now even if I could. To not move here would mean to not meet the incredible people that we have. There are people here that have changed our lives and I can't imagine not knowing them. I can't picture where we would be without having attended MAsT that first time, without putting ourselves out there to co-lead MAsT, and without meeting the people through MAsT that are now friends and family.

I am not the person I was when we moved here (and I don't mean that in the way I did in my last post). Life is different. We are different. I would absolutely love to move back to Victoria someday. We have talked about it many times and our ultimate plan was to always move back. Moving back now though would mean leaving people we love rather than just a place we love. Heartsick versus homesick.

Even if we were to move back, it is many, many years from now. elle will hopefully be starting school in the fall and then there would be a long time from there before moving would make sense. Perhaps by then the homesickness will have been replaced completely by the people that have made such a lasting mark on us...or perhaps they could all move there with us ;)

Our M/s is stronger and our love is stronger due to the challenges and experiences we have faced together since moving here. There can never be regret for this move, only a longing to have all that we have here in the place that we also love.

However, in the middle of the woods, in the beauty of Victoria, in the frigid colds of Winnipeg, with elle at my side I know I am always home. Looking at her asleep beside me, watching her chest rise with each breath and seeing the beat of her heart in the pulse at her throat just puts me in awe of how much I am in love with her and how lucky I am to spend my life with her.

I would miss a new episode of The Walking Dead for you elle, but with you I know I would never have to and that is true love!

The Stranger Inside

I feel like I am becoming a stranger. I used to be pretty laid back, very slow to anger and quick to forgive and move on. I felt fairly stable emotionally and like I could remain strong to support elle. Of course, I had my bad days when I just wanted to hide out in a dark room, let the day pass and probably feel better tomorrow. These days, I want that dark room more and more and I know tomorrow will be more of the same.

Ever have a rough night of sleep where you wake up feeling just as tired as when you went to bed? You drag your ass around all day trying to get through work and life so you can fall into your bed as soon as possible and let the sandman take you. Ever have two nights in a row? What about a few weeks? Couple months? Years? Sleep starts to feel pretty pointless when it does nothing to rejuvenate your mind and body for the next day.

I've been doing this for years now. Trying different medications to see what will work but in the end nothing has helped with my awake hours. Sure pills make me fall asleep, even sleep mostly through the night sometimes, but I still wake up feeling as if I had laid down for only five minutes. I feel physically exhausted all the time. My body feels so heavy. It takes so much effort to put one foot in front of the other, to eat, to coordinate my hands to work. It takes effort to breath because I feel like a weight is on my chest, to keep my head held up, to keep my eyes open.

Mentally, I am not myself. I am often on the verge of tears (and fight them off because I am generally at work); I can not concentrate or focus and I know I am making mistakes; my memory is pretty terrible and I forget words a fair bit. I am quite quick to anger and try really hard not to let it out because I know I am also overreacting. I have lost my patience and get frustrated very easily. I have murderous thoughts of jumping over my cubicle wall and smashing the guy sitting there with his keyboard if he tap, tap, taps it one more time! I think the last month is the worst that this has been so far.

I know this is hard on elle because she wants to help, but can't, and I'm sure she is seeing the stranger than I am feeling. This isn't who she married and this isn't who I want Kahwaii to know.

What if this is me now though?

Getting my Tattoo Done

In less than 48 hours i will be getting my tattoo done of the bruise on my forearm from being waterboarded at Fall From Grace last summer. i have been waiting for this day to come for many months now. i am slightly concerned about how i will explain it to the vanilla folk, especially my parents as i’m sure that at least my mother will ask prying questions and simple vague answers will not suffice. i plan on telling people that it’s my version of the semicolon, i’m bruised but not broken kind of idea. So far the few vanilla people that i told that i’m getting it done and explained why have taken my explanation without question so maybe it will work. If it looks real enough maybe people won’t even think to ask as they will just think that i have a bruise. i have been going back and forth about where exactly on my arm to get it done. If i get it up a bit from where it was actually when it was a real bruise then i will be able to cover it with a ¾ length shirt if/when needed. The whole point of getting it though is to replicate the exact bruise that i received and i don’t know if moving it will change how i feel about it. i think that i will end up getting it in the same place as it was originally and just wear full length shirts when it needs to be covered up.

Short and sweet today, just wanted to quickly touch base and say hi!

What It Feels Like to Fall - My Top Drop

elle has asked me to write about Top drop for her submissive's group, so I figured I would try to get my thoughts out here since I had some this week.

We had a great weekend and ended up having an amazing, intense, unplanned scene with Kahwaii. Our first time playing with her and it was like we'd been doing so for ages. It was kind of weird how in tune we were with our energy, rhythm, highs and lows opposite to keep the intensity up and that we could communicate without a word spoken. We pushed each other to give more and in turn pushed elle to take more. elle came out of it with bruises nearly everywhere and a lot more floaty than I've managed to get her in sometime.

I came out of it pretty high myself. Then I crashed. Sunday afternoon we didn't really have time to process because we were busy seeing family - bowling for our nephew's birthday and dinner with grandparents in the middle of which a huge ball of anxiety filled my belly. Sitting at the dinner table, half way through eating, and my stomach was suddenly in my throat, heart pounding, body shaking (luckily only noticeable to me). I've been getting this feeling a lot lately though, so it's definitely not all drop.

Usually my drop revolves more around feeling guilty for beating on my wife...it's my wife, not slave, that is covered in bruises while I am feeling guilty. I start to worry that I went too far, or let it go too far with someone else. Did I miss a look, a sound, a twitch that meant she was done but I kept going? Did her cries of no more, actually mean no more this time even though no doesn't mean no? Did I let my high interfere with keeping her safe? Did I harm rather than hurt her? And on and on and on. My brain can't just see the bruises, see the smile and accept that it's all good. Not for a day or two at least.

Maybe that's why I like the fight back. If I end up hurting in someway then I'm reminded that it was consensual. I can move my arm and feel the ache of bruises and be brought out of my head enough to at least briefly see the smile and remember the glazed, floaty look she had. I can poke the bruises, hear the sharp intake of breath (good they still hurt) and be asked 'what was that for?' I almost always answer 'love' and it reminds me that it really was for love.

I don't get drop every time or even most times. It really depends on what was done to her, what marks she has after, how intense it was and where my head already is in it's cycle of self doubt and insecurity. Like I said, I am having a lot of anxiety lately (or at least what I am calling anxiety because I don't have a better word), so this week drop is combined with that to become overwhelming and nauseating. Monday I could barely get through work with the sick feeling of my stomach in my throat, really bad internal shakes, heart pounding like it was going to bust through my chest and an inability to eat until dinner.

Tuesday was when all the stuff in my head started to make noise. Guilt, doubt, insecurity, 'proof' of all that I was telling myself. It got to the point where I was nearly making myself cry at my desk and I felt like I could barely breathe. It was really hard getting out of my head, even when Kahwaii was here. I just kept falling back in.

When I am dropping, I need to be reassured that everything was enjoyed, it didn't go too far, the pain is a wonderful reminder of a great time, and the marks are desired and loved. I need to be cuddled and snuggled, to be close and see that my touches aren't going to make her flinch and cower in just regular togetherness. I need to be checked in on/with and told, without asking, that she enjoyed it and is looking forward to more. Basically, I just need to be reassured that I'm not an awful person for hurting her and getting off on it.

Chocolate helps too!

After a few days, I come out of it and can see the beauty in the bruises, remember the sounds of enjoyment as it was happening, and hear the pleasure in her voice when I poke at the marks.

Not many people seem to admit they've experienced Top drop. Whether they really haven't or it's to keep up the tough Domly Dominess, I don't know. Maybe they just need to handle it on their own, in their own way. If that works for them, great. I already keep too much bottled up and away from most people that I know I need to lean on elle, for both our sakes. Working through drop together, mine and hers, keeps us connected and communicating during a time where it's really easy to get lost inside yourself and spiral down.

So this happened...

Change comes in many forms and the latest change in our life comes in a sexy package.

We have met someone, who we are going to call Kahwaii for now, and are starting to explore the possibilities. It's been just a short time, but I feel like I am on an emotional roller-coaster. elle and I have been just the two of us for our entire relationship. she has some experience in this, but not a lot, and I have none. Over the years we have talked a lot about exploring having a third in our lives in some form, but with the baby trying it just never seemed the time would be right. Now that baby trying has finished, we are working on moving beyond the pain that causes, and going forward in our lives.

There's no time like the present to see where this experience can take us. I'll be honest though, I'm scared...fucking terrified when I move aside the other thoughts in my head. I think crazy, illogical things and put all sorts of irrational what ifs to myself. What if I'm not what she pictures? What if she likes elle more? What if elle likes her more? What if I can't 'perform' (whatever the hell that thought means!) and I fuck it up? What if, what if, what if? I have no logical reason to worry about those things. That's just the lovely place my head takes me out of insecurity.

I'm worried I will turn out to be jealous and can't overcome the sabotage my head might try. I'm not just worried about me though or about elle and I. Kahwaii also has a primary partner that we don't want to harm in anyway. There is, of course, nothing secret in what we are doing. Her partner is well aware and supportive and has a voice in where boundaries may lie. There is a lot of unknowns though and with that comes potential for danger.

This could change so much for us and it's certainly not just bad changes that are scaring me. As much as this could have a bad side, it already feels to have a really good side. If anyone had asked me six years ago before meeting elle if I would be doing 75% of the things we do in our lives, I would have laughed in their face and asked if they were serious. Seriously, you think I could raise a finger let alone a fist or boot to someone I love! Seriously, you think I, introvert, nervous public speaker, hate to be center of attention, would lead a group in which I facilitate discussions sometimes! Seriously, you think I could possibly be madly in love with someone and want to bring a third person into our lives in a non-platonic way! Seriously, have you met me?!

Funny how with the right catalyst so much can change in a person. Perhaps not even change, but be brought to light. I am however still the introvert, nervous public speaker, hate to be center of attention person; I just manage to not stumble over my tongue quite as much as I used to. elle entering my life though has opened up my world beyond anything I would have thought possible.

With this change and my nervousness with it all, I have barely been able to eat and my sleep is certainly no better than usual. I force down enough food to give my body at least a bit to work with, but I just don't want to eat and everything makes me want to throw up. It's really awesome how stupid by body is being! I'm starving. I'm excited. I'm lightheaded. I'm excited. I'm exhausted. I'm excited. I'm stressed out. I'm excited. I'm emotional. I'm excited. I'm happy. Oh and did I mention, I'm a little excited. My brain really needs to shut off and shut up for a while.

Well that's my ramble for now, I'm sure I will have more irrational and possibly rational thoughts to talk about soon.

M, F, T...Me

What do you call a person that isn't quite a girl, but isn't a boy, and doesn't fall under trans?

Unfortunately, there is no punch line though that sounds like I'm kicking this off with a joke. Nope, this is just my life.

Growing up, people would mistake me for a boy. I never wanted to correct them out of embarrassment which only got worse when they realized and tried to apologize. Usually, I just tried to get away quickly enough that they wouldn't notice their mistake or at least I wouldn't have to hear when they did. This happened often enough that when I was a bit older and someone called me a girl, I was surprised and even made a comment to my mom along the lines of "she knows I'm a girl!"

Now that I am older, it happens on the rare occasion depending on how I'm dressed and I suppose what direction they are coming at me from and that embarrassment is still there. Yet, call me a lady or ma'am and I cringe and feel like telling them I ain't no lady! But...

...what the fuck does that make me? I don't feel like I am in the wrong body, hence not trans. However, there are certain parts of being a dude that would be pretty great. I could be bigger and stronger that I could pick elle up and carry her to bed when she falls asleep on the couch. I could have a built in cock so that in the middle of spontaneous fun times, I don't have to be like pause, hold that thought while I get strapped in, not to mention being able to feel what we are doing would be awesome. I don't actually want to be a guy though.

Being seen as a woman, or even just saying that, is just awkward and uncomfortable. I have the bits and tits which I guess makes me female and I don't exactly want to get rid of them either, but my head doesn't quite match up. It doesn't match up with anything and I don't like the feeling of not knowing 'what' I am. I don't feel like I fit in with most guys; I don't feel like I fit in with most women. If someone is attracted to me, what do they see, what am I, what do they expect me to be?

elle says that I am me and I fit with her and that's all that matters, which yes that is very true. She has accepted me as this and we work amazingly together. With her all I need to be is me, same with a few friends. Beyond that I don't know and I just feel lost, alone, alien.

This is a big part of why I am an introvert I think. If I bury my nose in a book my mind is busy with the story and not having to process the image in the mirror or worry about what others are seeing. Being social means needing to fit inside one of two holes and figuring out what side people are consciously or subconsciously expecting me to be on.

I'm sure I confuse some people, especially when I am called Sir. Which I must say, I love to hear.

I seem to be thinking about this a lot lately, maybe because we talk more and more about cucking and/or poly and it makes me so unsure of how to let others know me when I don't know me. It would be a lot easier if life had a back or undo button. I could say something, I could approach someone and if it doesn't go the way I want then I could just hit undo and not feel like a dumbass!

Am i Leather?

This is a question that has been swirling around in my head for some time now. But how does one “figure out” if they are Leather? Read books, listen to other people talk about why they identify as Leather and look inwards are the main suggestions i’ve always heard.

To be honest, i have not read any books specifically about the Leather lifestyle/culture but i have read quite a bit online on Fetlife and other websites such as Leatherati.com as well as personal blogs. i did read a book that was the journal of a Leather Woman early in my kink exploration days. At the time though, Leather wasn’t even on the radar so maybe i should re-read it.

i don’t know a lot of people who identify as Leather that i can talk to about why they have chosen to identify as Leather. i have listened to a number of podcasts about Leather identity, culture, etc. which has been only marginally helpful at best. The reading that i’ve done i think is a bit of a substitute for the face to face that i’m missing but i would love to have more of it. Talking about Leather, the small amount that i have done, has been enjoyable and enlightening.

A lot of the big ideas in Leather, honor, respect, service, obedience, community, living truthfully/authentically and striving for growth are all things that Lee and i have been including in the contract that we have been writing. Looking inwards, i truly enjoy the structure and protocol associated with Leather. This is how i live my life and the basis of my relationship with Lee rather than just some simple kinky sexy fun times. We practice what we preach and live our M/s authentically. When we give a talk for MAsT, it is our true selves we are sharing with our community. That is another quality that i love about Leather lifestyle- the community idea- having a family of Leather kin that you could turn to for help with nearly anything, kinky or vanilla. Service is a big part of Leather, which i also agree with. Both Lee and i agree that giving back to the community is important both for the greater good and for our relationship.

This past weekend we were fortunate enough to host friends of ours who are also an M/s couple and identify as Leather. They are so similar to Lee and i it is almost scary. Having them here gave me a small glimpse of what i imagine having a family could be like. It felt good to be able to express our M/s openly and freely and know that they not only accepted it but embrace it and in a way encourage it. Kind of like when company’s around, you’re on your best behavior. Not that we were faking, just operating at a slightly higher level of protocol for some things than we typically do when we are at home i guess is what i mean.

i think what i waiting for is a lightbulb moment. i’m waiting for something to happen that will definitively tell me that yes i am Leather or no i’m not. Not sure what that would be.  

i’m sure there will be more thoughts on the subject but that is all for now!

Update from last post

Thank you to those who given me their kind words of support and encouragement. This week has been better. i imagine having started therapy, the medication onboard and less work stress all contributing. i fully disclosed my relationship with Lee and my psychologist, whom i will refer to as Dr. M, is totally cool with it and is even doing some of his own research to further understand kink as i’m his first client that is into it. i kind of get the feeling that he is maybe personally interested from a few of his reactions/responses. Dr. M has gotten Lee’s approval already for recommending an addition to one of our rules to make it clearer.

For some strange reason my calendar is very busy right now even though i should have more time with working less, i've been busy every evening since Monday; tonight (Thursday) i am hosting the Winnipeg Submissives Network, a group i started back in the spring, and then i have stuff going every evening until next Friday! (work and social)

i just wanted to take a minute to give you a quick update and give my thanks, i’ll try to write more soon.

A few quick thoughts on my mental health

I haven’t been doing well lately. my mental health has taken a drastic nose dive. Back in the spring when Master and i decided that we were going to stop trying to have a baby i was doing well. The shit scared-ness of the idea of becoming a parent and the very real threat of postpartum depression was removed, i was relieved. After a short while my mental health fluctuated as i was feeling so many conflicting feelings, guilt primarily. We ended up changing our minds and decided to try once more after a few months of discussion. Enter Fall From Grace and my life affirming experience. i even managed to make it through the news that our sperm had to be returned to the sperm bank and the decision that Lee and i made to call it quits on the baby-making front. But that life affirmed feeling FFG gave me quickly fell off and i began to circle the drain. It began to affect my job and i have gained a significant amount of weight over the summer and fall but primarily since FFG which was August long weekend. Lee and i have hardly played and when we do i can’t take nearly as much pain if it’s not cathartic.

i have taken a temporary reduction in my hours at work and my MD has started me on an another medication on top of the one i’m currently on. i have also started seeing a psychologist with whom i will be doing an intensive group therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy which is basically CBT (cognitive based therapy not cock and balls torture!) with a mindfulness component. It starts next month but the problem is that they hold the group class in a room that is used for a lot of prenatal classes and such so i’m slightly concerned that it will be triggering for me to be in there.

Master and i have been looking at tightening up some of our rules a bit more to help with structure in my life too. i mentioned to Her the other day that i’d like it if we could work on position training again. i think having the positions to work on would help ground/reconnect me on when She’s not home by incorporating it into my day.

Struggling with depression takes all of the drive out of you. You have no desire to do anything; you don’t care what happens around you. Struggling with borderline personality disorder means my emotions are unstable, i’m impulsive and my reactions can be wildly out of proportion.

Lee bears the brunt of my outbursts. She knows that when it happens there is very little that can be done and nothing She will say or do will ever be right but She stays with me and loves me and owns me in spite of all that. She is an amazing and strong woman. Sometimes i wonder if She’s not the crazy one for staying aboard the crazy ride that is elle.

A Big Decision

Changes are coming in spades at the moment it seems. Earlier this week a rather monumental decision was made. As you all know, we have been trying for the past two years to have a baby. There has been a lot of hope attached to the process and a lot of stress, frustration and fear. Stress of will this be the month to try? If we try will it work? Frustration with the clinic wasting so much of our time as we wait for appointments that they are an hour late for and again the planets not aligning to allow us to try. And fear of what happens if it works. What will change? What will we lose? How much will we struggle financially? How will mental health be affected?

PXS was an amazing experience for us. (Don't worry I'm not actually changing the topic.) We had never been on a real holiday together and having nearly a week where the full focus was pretty much on our Power Exchange was quite an eye opener. The workshops were great, the people wonderful, the realization that we have come so far in the last year and half a high note and then the drop came with the realization it could be many, many years before we are able to go to such a thing again if in the next year we have a baby.

If we have a baby the spontaneous evening of play, pain, fuck, dinner, play, pain, fuck, cake would not be able to happen like that again. We can't ignore our child for hours on end as I make my slave scream in delicious pain and not expect Child and Family Servies to come knocking. Hell it was enough to realize right before the end of a great, kind of loud scene and about ten seconds away from elle orgasming that a police car was sitting in front of our house, lights flashing. Luckily they hadn't come to take me away for beating my slave, but it was still a mood killer. Change that to a baby screaming while elle is screaming and CFS pounding on the door. Play would be out and since a lot of our sex is pretty rough that would be limited too.

Our dynamic has become the foundation for our marriage and we both fear how the addition of a child would affect and change that. Neither of us want the strain on our relationship that would come with very limited ability to continue the rules and protocols that we have while little eyes and ears were around, very limited play, inability to attend conferences out of town, and even just a strain to continue our commitment and dedication to MAsT: Winnipeg.

Not only is the affect to our dynamic of concern because of the fun times but it really helps balance elle's mental health. I'm not just saying we don't want to sacrifice some playtime or change how elle serves me coffee, but it is the structure and release that our dynamic gives to elle that really helps her. After coming back from PXS we both had drop, elle's was quite difficult and took some time to fully come out of. It seemed to be so hard for her in part because she was scared that with daily life and responsibilities back in the picture we would lose some of what we had gained while away. Even just the thought sent her spinning.

We have learned pretty well over the years what makes her mental health worse and what helps. Lack of sleep is not good. One day is manageable but if they start stacking up we both know where that road leads, so we do our best to not let that happen. She has a doctor's note at work so they can't mandate her and really fuck up her sleep; she has a bedtime that we are fairly good at sticking with; I don't have her get up with me in the morning when I think sleep would be more important. It helps. A good sleep for her is probably one of the most effective ways to keep her in a good place. How then would a baby that doesn't sleep through the night for what could be years affect her night after night.

I know sometimes that elle just needs me to back off and give her space; I know that when she is in that place there are sometimes hurtful words and actions that she is not in control of; I know that at that time she needs to see that I'm not going to abandon her; and, I know when she comes back down she needs me more than ever to tell her how much I love her and her home is always with me. Yep, I know all of this. A baby, knows none. A toddler, knows none. A teenager, well that's when we would send them off to boarding school or sell them for medical experiments because they think they know everything.

elle needs peace, structure and to give up control to stay balanced. I need peace, structure and to have control to keep our life balanced. Having a baby would be like adding a ten pound weight to a scale that has feathers on the other side.

If you haven't figured it out yet, we have decided to stop trying to have a baby. Since this decision was made we have both said how much lighter we feel.

Don't get me wrong, before and throughout the process we have both very much wanted a child. I'm sure there will always be a bit of that want left in us. We were trying because we had the best of intentions and had it happened a year ago when we were just starting to really get our M/s feet under us then we would have been thrilled. Now that our M/s is so strong we feel we can't have both. We had to choose and M/s with all of the things that that encompasses for us, is the choice we've made. If we felt we could have both we would. I know this is the right decision for us though.

Struggling with slavery

i am currently reading "If This is a Woman Inside Ravensbruck: Hitler's Concentration Camp for Women" by Sarah Helm. i'm about 2/3 of the way through it and already this book has stirred up a lot of thoughts and emotions for me. It absolutely baffles me how people could carry out such horrific acts on others. It has made me question calling myself a slave.

i told Master a couple of days ago about how i am feeling. We talked for a little while about it. When She asked me what i wanted to do about it, i asked Her that that depended on whether She was wanting for me to reconcile my feelings with the idea or if we are going to look at trying to find new words. She told me that She expects reconciliation.

i have been tasked with trying to figure out how. How do i separate my slavery with true slavery? i feel like me being called/calling myself a slave makes light of the tremendous suffering and terror that true slaves went through throughout history and are, to this day, still going through. How on any level can i, sitting in comparatively absolute luxury, equate myself to someone who has know real horror? i have never known what it is like to be starved, tortured, made to live in filth and disease, used for medical experimentation and worked to death. i have never had to worry that at any moment i might be killed for any reason. i have the ability to talk with anybody i choose, read anything i want and speak up if i think my Master is doing something that will harm me.

How can i call myself a slave? Yes, i am my Master's property but does that make me a slave? Is that enough? i have the ability, as mentioned earlier that i have the right to speak up, but i don't have the right to tell Master what She will do with that information. i have given over control to Her but in reality i have done so willingly and freely and could at any moment revoke that consent. Yes that would probably end our relationship. She would have no right to "hunt" me down and force me to come back if i left. Does She doesn't have the "right " to transfer ownership of me to another master, that is something that we negotiated in the beginning. She has full control of our relationship but if that relationship ends so does Her control of me and what my future will be.

i think that the difference is a word that, up until now, i have left out of this.That word is Consent. A am a consensual slave. But isn't that an oxymoron?

i still don't have an answer yet, i imagine that it will take more time and soul searching before i can come to terms with my slavery.

Somewhere in my "researching" someone said something along the lines that just because that you can use your property any way you chose that not everything you have the right to do is right, morals still apply to Masters (and slaves)w. i willingly gave up my freedom to Master because i knew that She will use me well. She respects me and is not careless in how She deploys her Mastery over me. 

i'm sure there will be more to come on this topic in the future.

Mental Health, MAsT, Service and PXS All In One

This is elle writing, i couldn't get the internet on my account to work so i'm using Sir's- hence this post being authored under Her name.

I'm home from work today with some sort of stomach bug so i thought i'd try to write a post even though it's only been a couple of days since the last one.

i seem to get sick a lot, like almost monthly there seems to be something going on. i've read before that people with mental health problems, especially during 'flare-ups', get physically sick more often as well. I would definitely say that i'm having a flare-up now. About two months ago Master and i went to our doctor and asked him to reduce my anti-depressant medication as it seemed like i was feeling very anxious and agitated/on edge all the time. He agreed and also gave me a script for an adjuvant med to try if i found i was getting more depressed. But, i can't take it. It's not recommended if you're pregnant or trying to become pregnant.
For the first couple of weeks after the reduction i was doing okay, more than that i felt emotionally and mentally stable for the first time in a long time. Then i hit the edge of the cliff and for the past six weeks or so i have been more and more depressed. i have begged Sir to let me die more days than not i think and have gone for weeks without having a day that i didn't cry. We have added zinc and magnesium to the concoction of 'happy' pills that i take on a daily basis; omegas, vitamin D, iron and Wellbutrin.
Are they helping? i haven't seen a big change but maybe the frequency of crying has decreased slightly in the last 10 days or so. i don't know how long it would take before either of them are helping. And, yes, i know i should have probably only started one at a time to see which one (if it is only one) that is working but with the way i have been feeling i didn't have the time to do med trials properly, i just need results. Maybe once i have things stabilized again i will remove one and see if there are any changes.

Last night i asked Sir about seeing if some of the T.V. shows that we can't get might be available on iTunes, for example Orange is the New Black. i've heard a lot of talk about this show but i've never seen it. And we can't change our cable because it is provided through our landlord. At one point in the discussion Sir got all excited about seeing all the ladies in their inmate uniforms, and i responded that yes that would be nice but i was interested in seeing the guards. i pointed out how stereotypical of us it is to pick the side we did and we had a good laugh over it.

Last weekend was our monthly MAsT discussion on service. It was supposed to be presented by Master and myself as well as two of the other organizers but one was sick so a friend stepped in at the last moment to help us out. The discussion went well, there was some great conversations. The research and private discussions that Master and i had prior to the group discussion really have made me think about the service i provide Master in our dynamic. We have been reading Real Service by Raven and Joshua which has made me think a lot about the whys and hows of my service. One thing that i've been contemplating is why i enjoy service. In Real Service, it is mentioned that people are drawn to service either for the service itself but more often for the control.  i believe that i enjoy being of service because of both but being under Master's control is usually what attracts me. I do also very much enjoy serving just to see Her happy; i think for most people it's not one or the other which is what i felt they were saying in the book.

We've talked briefly about the level of protocol, rules, etc that Master is expecting for Power eXchange Summit. There will be many more conversations about PXS, especially if we drive. i'm getting so excited and nervous about the whole idea!

30 Days of Kink Days 3-5 Take Two

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

Lee - I didn’t actually become aware that I was kinky until elle and I started playing around in the bedroom and I don’t even remember how that began. I know she was the one to broach the subject though and for a while we switched. It didn't take long to decide what side we needed to be on and we realized that the kinky stuff was awesome but we wanted more of a lifestyle and not just a bedroom activity.  If not for elle, I think this may have remained buried inside me for a long time and I would still be having the minimally satisfying, one sided, let more and more time pass between, kind of sex that I had before. My other relationships just had not be nurturing and supportive enough to put myself out there in any way. This lifestyle would have been out of the question.  

elle - How did I discover that I am kinky? Well, I don’t really think that one 'discovers' that they are kinky any more than one would 'discover' that they are gay or any other variant of mainstream, sexually or otherwise. Realizing my sexuality, both as a lesbian and a slave were learning processes. It didn't happen in an aha moment, it was more like a trickle out of a leaky faucet. As I mentioned the first time I answered these questions I imagine porn probably made me realize that I was turned on by kinky sex, which lead me down the path to where I am now.

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

Lee - Before being aware of any kinks, I read some of the Gor series and really got off on the ones that were focused on the slaves. Some of my own writing involved aspects that could have been considered on the kinkier side as well. Also, an ex and I played around with roleplay once or twice in which I took the top role.  None of these made it even cross my mind that maybe there was more out there to discover.

elle - From a young age, I have had kidnapping/abduction and rape fantasies. Usually the assault was by a group of people who would make me do humiliating things or do them to me. When I was in my early 20’s, my then girlfriend and I had, I guess what you would call a rape scene, twice. We were, admittedly high both times. But even though I was not sober I could tell that really enjoyed the way it made me feel. I was fairly sexually promiscuous, with both men and women, from the time I started having sex until I met Lee. To be honest, I quite enjoyed the one night stands (for the most part), even though the sex was usually not the best. I liked feeling slutty and a bit used. I liked the humiliation of having to take the bus/walk home in my bar-star clothes on Easter Sunday morning as church was letting out (true story). With some of my partners some light kink stuff happen during sex, you know, the usual 'beginner' kind of stuff- holding your partner down, dirty talk, some light spanking, a blindfold. None of those experiences were enough to alert me about what my future life would be though. 

To be honest I am not, what some would call, a natural submissive. I was a bossy big sister growing up, my own mother told me I was a little drill sergeant. I think that many people who know me would probably think I would be the one in charge since I am a pretty big control freak. I would probably do okay in the dominant role if I were in that position but Master and I have chosen a different path.

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience?  If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

Lee - The roleplay mentioned above. I'm pretty sure it was their idea. I was a psychologist that basically talked my client into having sex with me as 'therapy'. From what I remember it was quite hard getting into character because I was nervous about doing it right, but after a little while I got more into it and had some fun. It was many years before my next step into the kinky world.

elle - As for my first kinky experience, I'm going to presume that the question is referring to the first experience that was had with the knowledge that what was happening was BDSM. So, for me, that means the first time Lee and I played. I don’t remember that any more, which I think is kind of sad in a way. But from reading my 2011 answer I discovered that I topped Her the first time we played. As an aside though, I texted that tidbit of info to Master a bit ago and we both agreed that it didn't come as a surprise that I topped Her the first time given our personalities and the fact that She didn't initiate sexy times very often when we first started dating.

Thoughts and Realizations

I'm writing as I think so things are a bit jumbled up and erratic. I'm just writing what comes to mind as it comes to mind. Sorry if it’s a bit confusing or hard to follow.

Life has been so busy lately. Our day-to-day M/s is still going well. I’d love to be playing more but any time we have time to play it seems to be that one or both of us are tired or not feeling well. Or, I have the desire to be beaten at a bad time, like when Master’s not home or we’re out or we have other things going on that can’t be postponed. I wish I had the ability to extend the day or pause time or some such shit, that would be lovely.

Lee and I recently hosted our second presentation at our MAsT group. Hosting discussions has been really good for us, both the discussions themselves and the conversations that we have before and after. Our first presentation was on how life changes can influence your power dynamic and the most recent was on discreet D/s, how to maintain your power exchange while in (vanilla) public situations.  

Thought #1:

When I'm in full slave mode I don’t feel very sexual or romantic. This is something that I have just come to understand. Majority of the time I still enjoy providing sexual service (deep throating, being a fuckhole, providing oral sex, etc.) but things like kissing and caressing feel almost confusing. Like kissing someone you work for (I imagine, I never actually done it). When I'm in full slave mode Lee is my Master, my Owner, my Boss. The wife and lover part seems to fade into the background. I don’t feel like I'm adequately explaining how I feel but I can't seem to find the right words to describe it so on to the next thought….

Thought #2:

I really need to learn how to tell Master when there is something that I need and stop trying to ignore my needs (I’m talking mainly play/sex needs right now). I have such a hard time getting over the topping from the bottom thing that I just don’t say anything and try to either ignore my needs or try to hint at them to Lee. Neither of which work well at all. Usually I end up getting frustrated and upset and lash out somehow. There are a few reasons that I don’t say anything. The first one is I keep telling myself that I don’t know what Master has planned, just wait, be patient, maybe what I want is still to come. Along with that is the fact that I’m not in charge so I “don’t get to decide what happens” (no topping from the bottom!), which Lee and I have gone over many times and I know She doesn’t see it that way but in my head, I can’t get over it. Along the same-ish line is that I want to do things that Master wants to do. That doesn’t really make sense. What I mean is that I want to do the things that She has been thinking about doing just as much as I want to do the things that I have been hoping for since a lot of my fantasies are based on being used. Which lead to the next thought…

Thought #3

I don’t know if Master gets the urge to beat me or use me or fantasises about it. If She does, I don’t think it’s very often. And not like the urges I get to be beaten and used I'm sure. Some days I wonder if the thoughts in my head are that of a sane person though. I mean why would anybody dream of getting beaten and used until they puke and/or pass out?!? I'm sure that Master doesn’t ever think about beating me to that point, not even close. But I don’t know for sure because She doesn’t really tell me what She wants either. Very rarely does She ever say that She wants to do or have me do something (other than that She wants to gag me on Her cock, She tells me that fairly regularly!). I don’t think I could confidently say what most of Lee’s kinks even are specifically. Is that bad?!? We’ve been doing this for over 4 years now and I still don’t really know what my Master’s kinks are or what She wants to explore! Sure our relationship is Master/slave and has a huge power exchange dynamic, but I don’t consider that to be a kink, more of a lifestyle choice really. M/s is how we live our lives. Some people would say that, for them, M/s is a kink but I think that the majority of those people probably don’t live it 24/7 and they only “do” M/s during playtime. Yes, M/s is involved in our play, but it’s involved in every other aspect of our lives as well. Our kinks are what we play with. The beatings (both with Her body and implements), breath play, bondage, psychological play/mindfucks, and being used sexually. Those are my main kinks.

Thought #4:

My thoughts on each of my kinks

Being beaten:

Lying on the floor with Master’s boots landing hard on my body grounds me

Being punched on the arms and shoulders so hard/much they can't move they are so sore

Being hit on the face

Rhythmic beat of flogger, hand, mother fucker or other implement is like a drum, sets the beat for the rest of the “music”

Hard and heavy mixed with a bit of light and stingy i.e. alternating between being kicked and caned on the ass and thighs

Breath play:

The fear and panic of not being able to breathe

Loss of control over an extremely vital bodily function

The burn in my lungs as the oxygen beings to run out

Bondage:

Being unable to resist an attack or struggle/fight back-defenseless

Burn in the muscles and joints from being held tightly for a long period of time

Psychological play:

Keeps my mind engaged, bombards another sense (hearing)

Reinforces the physical domination

Being broken down to be rebuild back up in Master’s vision

Sexual use:

Being used for entertainment- made to perform activities for Master to watch (masturbation, hurting myself, etc.)

Humiliation from being exposed or forced to cum

Being owned (penetrated) and loss of rights over what happens to and in my body

Have Lee somehow kind of state the plan for the scene i.e. “I'm going to beat you until my arms can't move, then I’ll use that pretty mouth of yours to clean me up after I make myself cum.

Look at scheduling play and negotiate in advance