30 Days of Kink- Days 8&10

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

i found this picture on the internet and thought it was hot hot hot!! i love the bows on her stockings ;)

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

• Though i have never actually had an experience with insects, they are high on the list. Madam and i saw a photo of someone playing with them on Fetlife recently and i almost started to cry at the thought of that being done to me (i can’t remember what exactly the insect was doing or any details, i think my mind has blocked it out lol!!)

• Anybody/thing that cannot/has not consented, including (willing) minors, animals and play involving people who have not given their OK to be involved in the scene, kinky or vanilla. i have a little inside of me. She is about 8 yrs old. SHE IS NOT SEXUAL. When i am little i have absolutely no desire for sexual intimacies, quite the opposite actually, sex scares little ellie. Sexual age play is a very hard limit.
  i would not wear diapers for any reason.
  

• Scat and vomit. I just don’t get it!!! There is nothing hot about either of those things, they smell bad!! Urine was at one point included but honestly i think that was more Madam than me that wanted it there. She still says no to it being used sexually (She pisses on me to mark me, that’s the extent of our piss play) but if She ever changed that i think i’d be OK with it.
  

• Purposely drawing blood. Not really sure why… i think it’s another one that’s more Madam’s limit than mine… but since She’s the one to decide play Her limits are mine. It does stain though so I’d hate to have to worry about getting it on stuff.
  

• Needle play. I don’t think it’s a hard limit for me but not something that i want to try right now so i guess that means that it’s not a hard limit really now does it?!?
  

• Medical play is one role play i don’t think will ever appeal to me. Being a nurse myself it’s just too similar to work that i think i’d be criticizing the way Madam “played nurse”. That includes enemas.

Mouthy Sub=Bad Sub

Some days i wish i still had sub frenzy. For me it wasn't just that i wanted to try everything kinky all at once, i also had way more drive to completely submit. No bratty attitude, no talking back, no excuses, i did what was expected of me and then some. But it's gone and wishing won’t bring it back. i don’t really think i want it back to be honest. i just want to be a “good sub” and loose the attitude that i have, for some unknown reason, seemed to have picked up recently.

Ok so it’s not entirely unknown. i have always been very strong willed. i am the first born and a Capricorn. my last girlfriend was very emotionally walled in and often the only way to reach her was by manipulating her and/or the situation. i am used to being in control, leading. i can be very rigid once i have decided on something. All qualities that are probably not the best for someone who wants to be a submissive. Now, i realize that there are all types, oh please, i know. But there are some general qualities that most subs possess and that i want to as well. i guess that’s it, i want to be more submissive, and not just with Lee but in life in general. i have caught myself in work and personal situations being bossy and i don’t like it one bit.

Alright, on to the problem at hand. i have been quite mouthy lately and no matter what i do to try to stop it, i just seem to be getting worse. For example, i haven't been showering with Lee as much for the last few weeks a few reasons. So the other day I did finally have a shower with her. We both were hoping that Her marking me would help put me back into the headspace. It did- until i finished washing Lee and started washed myself, thereby ridding myself of Her physical mark, so all of about two minutes!! The brattiness was back before we even got out of the shower!! L

A lot of time when i am being mouthy i’m making some sort of joke about Her dominance, which i’m sure is not helpful at all at in instilling confidence in Her or re-assuring Her that i want Her to be my Domme. It starts as a joking but i usually take it too far, i just don’t know where the line is between joking around and being a brat.

I’ve seen other subs posting on FetLife asking for help with this exact issue and the responses they get are mostly along the lines of think before you speak and/or keep a marble (or some similar object) in your mouth. I don’t know how useful the think before you speak suggestion is for me cause i tend to shoot off before i think, it’s generally not that i decide to talk back, etc (at least at first then usually i continue cause i don’t get told to stop/shut up/etc the first time and continue until Madam does tell me to do so). As for the marble idea, well, i would be worried about choking.

When we were making up my rules Madam was adamant about not having a rule to prevent me from speaking freely, She wanted me to be able to say what i wanted when i wanted, except when directly in service. I’m starting to wonder if that’s the best choice right now. I don’t want to dictate the rules to Her (to me that screams topping from the bottom, even though Madam and i made the majority of the original rules together) but i think i may need tighter rules on my ability to speak. Maybe rules, enforced rules with serious punishments for infractions will help train me to stop saying things that i shouldn’t. i understand that the reason that the rule wasn’t put in place was because Lee didn’t want me to become a different person all together or feel like i couldn‘t say something that i thought needed to be said. I get that and i don’t want to change who i am fundamentally, i just want to change this aspect.

Sometimes i feel like She just expects me to train myself. i want to be what She wants me to be but so far i have very little idea what that actually entails. i want to be the sub She moulds me into being. Everything about my submission right now is generic, i feel like it has come out of a one size fits all submissive kit. Maybe that’s a bit exaggerated but i don’t really feel like i’m Lee’s sub any more than a sub, except that we had/have a romantic relationship aside from the D/s. If it weren’t for our history i think that i probably would have gotten even more frustrated at the lack of control. i would start to wonder why i was even there, why does She have a sub if She isn’t wanting to make me into Her sub. i'm feeling a lack of HER ownership. Does She want me to be Her sub or a sub? Shall i continue to be a generic, out of the box, no personalizations sub indefinitely? How can one feel like their Madam/Master/etc’s sub when they haven’t received any real guidance as to what that should look like? Maybe i’m being overly dramatic, overly demanding, it was my idea to do this in the first place. i should accept that this is a process, she is learning Herself. How can She teach me what to be when She doesn’t even know what She wants?



But She is the one who is supposedly in charge. i need Her to stop allowing me to dish out the shit that i have been and start demanding that i comply. i need consequences for my actions.

Or maybe, just maybe i need to stop being so needy. i need to think more about what Madam needs and less about what i need. Maybe that’ll solve the problem.

On Kinky Friends & Community

i apologize in advance this one's a bit of a ramble, the thoughts just pouring out. And i'm not the world's greatest typer... OK, i'm probably in the bottom percentile of typers, just below your elderly granny but just sneaking past the neanderthals so please bear with me!

Over the last little while i have told two of my close friends about Madam and i. One is quite kink aware and is totally cool with it, she actually joked that if she had know that she would have been putting me to use, so to speak. The biggest problem is that she is teaching overseas so i can't just hang out and go for coffee. Before she moved we lived in the same apartment building and we used to hang out at least once a week so i got used to being able to talk to her about almost anything and it really sucks that i can't just run upstairs and shoot the shit when something comes up. The other is the guy that i dated during my hetero-curious phase. He's cool with it but i don't think he really understands most of it. He's a pretty simple kind of guy and i think that most BDSM stuff is beyond his comprehension.

Also a few weeks ago i went to a meeting for submissive women, kinda a peer mentoring thing. It was good, i'm so glad i went. i met a lot of great women and it was so nice to be able to talk to others who are in the lifestyle.

On a slightly related note, the other day Madam found one of Her co-workers' profile on Fetlife (we'll call her CW). We knew that she is in a poly relationship and we had kinda wondered about her kinky status but it was not on purpose that Madam found her.... So... i went to meet Madam for lunch on Wednesday. She told me that She had been dropping hints to CW about us being into D/s but between customers and the other co-worker being around She hadn't been able to tell her outright. i hung around the store/mall for the afternoon. When CW went on her break i went with her and told her about Lee and i. So now Madam has someone to talk to also. The other potentially good thing is that CW is involved with the kink scene so i'm kinda hoping that she will be able to introduce Madam to other kinky people.

Which i think would be a huge benefit to Madam. Like i said a minute ago, i went to the sub gals meeting, and am planning on going to the next one too, and found it to be such a wonderful experience to even just be sitting in a room full of other kinksters. i had been talking to Madam about us going to a Sagacity meeting before but after i went to the sub meeting i felt even more convinced that she needed to talk to other people too. The problem is that Madam is kinda reserved, shy even and in my opinion kept brushing off the idea. We've talked about why but i can't remember Her exact reasons at the moment. As great as it is for Her to read stuff on Fetlife and the internet in general, i think She it would serve Her a world of good to be able to sit face-to-face with other kinksters and bask in the community. Be surrounded by people who understand, mostly, what it is, this thing we do. To be able to say to someone "i own my fiance, she wears my mark and I love it".

At the meeting that i went to there was cake, to celebrate the birthdays in the group for that month. One of madam's rules is that i have to ask permission to eat sweets, so i had to text Her before i could have a piece.... and nobody looked at me weird when i did. It was great!!!

Back to CW. Madam and i suggested to her that we hang out sometime. i'm not sure if that means just the three of us or if CW's partners would be involved as well or a combo of both but either way i hope that Madam can gain some of that accepted feeling that i have.

K, so this next part is more geared towards Madam but anyone is welcome to read it...

I'm going to use another analogy, cause i like them (i'm your analogy slut, just using them when ever i can lol) and it's the best way i know how to explain things usually. As You know, i came out in high school. i didn't know any other gay people, just my girlfriend. Back in those days, the school didn't have a GSA. And the gf wasn't old enough to go to the bar (i grew up in a province where the legal age is 18 so i could go but what's the fun in going out by yourself?!?). After high school she went to university and after a while started going to the LGBT centre in the Students' Centre. They were open to the larger LBGT population for the most part. One time i decided to go with her to a meeting even though i wasn't a student. The experience of being in a room surrounded by so many other gays was incredibly uplifting. It made me realize that i wasn't alone, that there is support if and when i needed it. i found a community of people who were also struggling with the same issues that i was. It was like by just meeting that group of people, i all the sudden realized that i wasn't the only lesbian in the world and that there are many others who i could learn a thing or two from.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that, by meeting other people, you may learn things that you have been struggling with. And things you didn't know you didn't know. You don't need to re-invent the wheel but if you don't talk to the guy that did you will have to.

30 Days of Kink-Days 3, 4 & 5

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

i have had fantasies of being raped and/or used sexually since i was young. i can't pinpoint what made me discover that i was actually kinky. i guess i didn't know until Madam and i began to play. As i will talk about further down, i did have some experiences with an ex-girlfriend that were kinky but at the time i didn't realize that was kink. i just thought that i was living out a fantasy.

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

i have had partners hold me down and talk dirty to me while we are having sex. Again i didn't realize that that was kink, i just thought it was cause i liked sex to be a bit "dirty". Before Madam and i started our D/s we had sex a few times in the remains of an old military lookout near our apartment and one time when we went to the opera i was "commando" so that Madam would have access to my pussy; She played with my clit until just before i came but She was worried that i wouldn't be able to keep quite if i orgasmed so She stopped.

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

As i mentioned in Day 3's question an ex-girlfriend and i engaged in some rape play. Twice actually. It happened just after we had started dating. i had told her about my fantasies and she agreed to try it out. The first time she "raped" me turned me on so much that i knew i wanted it again. The second time we played the ex-gf got into her role quite deeply which worried me. You see the ex had anger issues that at the time i didn't know about, to be honest i didn't know nearly enough about her to be involved with her in that manner but i was young and stupid and we had been doing coke. She never did anything to hurt me but i was too scared to ever suggest we try that again.

My first kinky experience that i knew was kinky was with Madam. i actually Dommed Her. i can't remember the specifics but i do remember thinking that i wanted to be the one that was on the receiving end of the spankings.

30 Days of Kink-Days 1&2

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting, in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.



i am a sub, though i can be a bit bratty and defiant at times. Because Lee and i live together and have many rituals that we perform throughout each day we consider ourselves to be a 24/7 couple. For the most part i enjoy the service aspects of my submission most. i don't really consider myself to be a sexual sub because i tell Lee what i want in play and general "vanilla" sex. Though some may see this as topping from the bottom, to me it is just us maintaining open communication and making sure both our needs are being met sexually.



i am also somewhat of a masochist, a pain slut if you will. i enjoy a good pain play session and have noticed that i crave them sometimes too. i have been known to egg Madam on to get Her to go harder. On occasion i can get off on Lee stimulating me painfully.



To me, service submission is akin to a 1950's style housewife, which i kinda wish i could be. Right now i do all of the cooking, cleaning, mending of clothing, child care (in our case right now that means kitty care lol!!) and overall home upkeep.



Being a Domme has very little appeal to me. i have considered the fact that i should have embraced my control-freak personality and be a Domme rather than fighting it but it's not what i want to be or what i think is best for Lee and i in particular. i don't think it's really feasible in a 24/7 relationship and be a true switch. In my opinion i think the only way you can have be a true switch is in a kink-only-in-the-bedroom-type relationship. i think it would just be far too confusing otherwise, like who's ultimately in charge? and such. Another reason i don't think being a Switch would work for me is the fact that i love the discipline aspect of our relationship. Lee and i have a fairly regimented set of rules, tasks and such that if i don't follow i get punished. If we were to Switch that wouldn't be possible.



Day 2: List your kinks.


The things that get me hot are:

• pain play-i'm a pain slut!! i love impact play types of things like barehand spankings, paddles, canes, leather belts....
  
• light asphyxiation-knowing that Madam has my life in Her hands and that i am completely at Her mercy is so hot


• having Lee mark me, scratching, writing on me with markers-i absolutely love seeing the reminders of Her ownership and being reminded of a delicious play session


• being bound, especially spread eagle so that not only am i defenceless i am also fully exposed to Madam


• sensory deprivation- a few times i have been blindfolded, gagged and made to wear ear plugs. The sense of touch is heightened about 1000 times, every little thing it felt so much more!


• rape play-having someone want to fuck me so much that they don't care if i do or not is a huge turn on. As well i like the feeling of helplessness and total loss of control.


• Lee and i did a interrogation scene once and really had a lot of fun with that. i'd love to do it again


• not sure if it counts as a kink but i quite enjoy being on the receiving end of anal sex


• pleasuring Madam orally ;)


• i have a love/hate relationship with orgasm control/forced chastity-i love the results but "hate" the waiting. Last time we did this, Madam made me keep Her cock inside me for hours on end for about 4 days leading up to when i was allowed to orgasm!!
• again not sure if this counts as a kink but the 1950's style of household management and domestic discipline
• i'm sure there's more and i'm just not thinking of them at the moment but if i think of anything else i'll be sure to update the list

Ok well that's it for this installment we'll continue this learning experience another day!

Knifeplay - Holding the knife that triggered

It has become a bit of an agreement between elle and I that while in play when I feel she is slipping into subspace I keep my questions to a minimum to avoid causing subdrop, for this reason that night I wasn't saying much at all. The night we played with a knife the room was near silent aside from her moans and gasps when I was paddling her until she reached that space in which she becomes unresponsive. I test where she is at with a few harder strikes, elicit a mild moan and know that she is floating in divine pain. In that place I knew it was time to turn to the knife.

I was feeling a little nervous about using the knife on her, not because I was worried about it becoming a trigger, but because we haven't used a knife before and I didn't want to hurt her. In play we differentiate between the delicious pain I deliver to her that makes her shiver and moan and liquefy beneath my touch - this is pain - and the hurt of going too far, doing something wrong that was not good, and all around bad pain - this is hurt. Hurt is to be avoided and so it was hurt that I was nervous about accidentally giving her. I was focused on the knife, not pushing too hard because I really just wanted to scratch, and being conscious of her slight movements that could make me slip. She was bound down pretty well and so she couldn't move much at all.

Especially in this scene, I didn't want to suddenly pull her from subspace so I wasn't verbally checking in with her. From my perspective, only a view of her back and responses sounding like those from other times in subspace, all was going well. I only took a half dozen strokes or so with the knife before moving on to other activities. I didn't know anything was wrong. After play and aftercare we talked a little and fell asleep. To be honest, I went to sleep a little disappointed that I didn't manage to give her any scratches to wear the next day as I know how much she loves wearing my mark.

It wasn't until the next morning as we got closer to it being time for us to leave that I noticed she was quickly fading and something was wrong. She told me then that the knifeplay had triggered her and my heart fell. How could I not know? During, after, the next morning I had no clue this had happened. I felt like I had failed her as much as a Domme could possibly fail the one they are to protect at all costs. I've read on Fetlife of Dommes just intuitively knowing what was happening with their sub, they had that connection, they could read every move every sound and know.

I had held a knife to my wife's back, and had absolutely no clue that she was trying with all her might to say her safeword! What I feel the worst about is that I didn't know at any point the feelings that must have been racing through her head as she was trying to stop me. In our lifestyle triggers are always a possibility, and accidents happen, we both know this, but to know she was trying to tell me and couldn't scares me and makes me feel even more the responsibility and trust she has invested in me. I sure hope with time I will become more intuitive with where she is at while playing.

30 Days of Kink

i thought that one way for me to explore my thoughts and feelings about my kink on a deeper level i'd start doing the 30 Days of Kink meme that i've seen floating. i'm don't plan on doing it every day nor do i think i will answer the questions in order or just one at a time. i also definitely don't plan to stop writing about other things that come up in life. The way i kind of think i'm going to use it is when i need to get my posts quota in and i don't feel like having my ass caned-which sometimes is fun too.. winkwink!! So here's the list of questions: Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us. Day 2: List your kinks. Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky? Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks? Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen. Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy. Day 7: What’s your favorite toy? Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic. Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy. Day 10: What are your hard limits? Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink? Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny. Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to? Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ? Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try. Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally? Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up? Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they? Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they? Day 20: Talk about something within kink/BDSM that you’re curious about/don’t understand. Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction) Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship? Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so? Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner? Day 25: How open are you about your kinks? Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play? Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how? Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you? Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general? Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about. i hope to get started on the list soon. Stay tuned and we'll learn more about elle and her kink together!!

Follow-Up to Knife Play

i'm still feeling kinda worried about my reaction the other night. Once an addict always an addict i suppose. But that's not entirely true. i used to smoke pot pretty much daily and now i can one in a while and not want to all the time. Madam and i have talked more about how to work through the problem.
Here's what we've come up with so far:
#1 when She is cutting my back we will put a dressing mirror in front of me so She can see my face (and therefore my reactions better) and i can see that She's using a knife and not a razor blade like i used to use.
#2 She is going to just run the knife over my skin on my chest and stomach again so i can see the knife
#3 Madam is going to talk to me while we are engaged in knife play. i don't really like Her to ask me questions during play as a general rule cause i find it harder to stay in subspace when i have to think about my responses and analyze what i'm thinking, feeling, etc
#4 i have done some very preliminary research into online groups for the type of therapy that my first psychiatrist used that i found to be very helpful (Dialectical Behavior Therapy if you're interested, it's sort of a mix of cognitive behavior therapy and the mindfulness that Buddhists practice)
#5 i started a discussion on the Submissive Women group on FetLife to see if i could get any other suggestions on how to manage which i have already gotten some very supportive comments but no advice that i'd say is very useful

Well that's all for now i think. i'll keep you posted on how this situation plays out...

Knife Play-a hard limit maybe?

i was supposed to "job hunting" today but instead in am sitting in a coffee shop. Let me give you a bit of a "history of elle" lesson and you will see why.

i have a history of mental health issues; depression, suicide attempts, cutting, just to name a few. i've bee in and out of psych units, seeing psychiatrists/therapists and on various medications since i was 15 years old. The last time i was in the hospital was almost three years ago. i was cutting my thighs and cut too deep. i called a friend and he rushed me to emergency where they stitched me up and sent me along to the psych ward for observation. but in the last three years i have made leaps and bounds in my recovery. It's been over a year since i've had to take antidepressants, let alone the heavier meds i've taken in the past, and even longer since my latest therapist "released" me. i have never gone a year without having some sort of depressive episode before now.

What's changed? Well, i think a big part is that i finally went back to school to do what i've always wanted. And the other part is Lee. She is amazing!! i ♥ Her more than life itself. Our relationship is stable, mature and i feel more secure and loved than i ever have before.

OK, so on to last night...Madam and i had a bit of a play session last night, nothing too hard cause i'm still recovering from an intense physical scene we had on Saturday. It was mostly just Her writing on me, a bit of light paddling and caning and scratching. At one point She mentioned about going to get a knife and actually cutting me rather than just the scratches She had been doing (we've talked about it before and i told Her that i was interested in trying). After She came back with a knife, She told me that She had only planned to mindfuck me and use a butter knife but if i thought i was ready that She would do it for real. i assured Her that i was ready and wanted Her to. The feeling of the knife on my skin was all at once terrifying and exhilarating. I quickly realized though that i was feeling many of the same feeling that i had when i was cutting before. i decided that i wasn't as ready as i'd thought i was and tried to call red (our safeword). But it only came out in squeaks, i couldn't form the word as much as i tried. Madam moved on from the knife play soon after, moving on to other things. i didn't say anything about it to Madam once the scene ended, i drifted off to sleep soon after.

This morning i woke up feeling not quite right, kinda down and anxious. At first i thought it was just the jitters about going on the "job hunt" but while we were getting ready i started to feel more and more depressed. Finally i told Lee that i felt like i was about to cry which of course opened the flood gates and the tears spilled down my cheeks. i told Her that last night had brought up memories of my past. i also told Her about trying to use my safeword and not being able to. (which thinking about it now kind of scares me, what if it had been some sort of medical emergency? would i have been able to then or was it just because of the type of play we were engaging in?)

Lee called work to tell them that She was going to be a bit late and we talked for a while. She feels bad that She didn't realize that i was trying to safeword but as i told Her, i was facing away from Her, my hands were out of sight and She was focused on what She was doing (which i'm glad for-i wouldn't want Her focus to be wandering while She had a knife to my back). i admitted that i wished that She didn't have to go to work, that i wanted to be with Her. She suggested that i leave the job hunt until tomorrow and come with Her to work so that i wouldn't be home alone. So now i sit here waiting for Lee to have Her dinner break to visit for a bit then wait again until She's done work and we can go home together.



i'm glad i'm not home alone. As much as Madam says She trusts me, i don't know how much i trust myself. When i told Her that She told me that i'm a good girl and wouldn't do anything that doesn't please Her and doing that wouldn't please Her so i wouldn't. i'd like to believe that but i don't, not right now.



i'm not depressed but with only one income life is stressful. i have an urge to cut now to release some of that stress. The feel of the blade opening up my skin and spilling my blood is cleansing, a release. The release is addictive. The pain (that's not the right word but i cannot think of the word i want right now) gives me something else to focus on, a distraction. i had forgotten how cathartic cutting can be. If you've never been a cutter, you probably don't understand. All i can say to explain it is that it's like an anorexic, the more stressed life gets the less they eat cause it's the one thing that they can control.

I do want to try knife play again but only when Lee will be home the next day in case i have a similar reaction. i want to work through this issue, i don't want it to control me or what Madam and i do in play. i guess it's like a person who has been in an abusive relationship having problems with certain aspects of play and wanting to work through them. Or is it more like an addiction and i should just leave well enough alone? i'm not sure, only time will tell i think. If we do knife play again and i have the same reaction over and over then we may have to add it to the hard limits, or soft limits with extreme amounts of aftercare. Who knows?



Have you ever had a similar experience? i'd love to hear about it and how you manage it.