It Hurts to Breathe

The last few months have seen us heading into a tail spin within our marriage. We have fought almost continually over everything and nothing. My anxiety has taken up permanent residence it seems and likes to make its presence known day in and day out. There has been a lot of stress and unfortunately we allowed it to effect and pile up on Kahwaii's shoulders. She took on the blame and guilt of our issues when it is not hers to have.

Before we started dating her, she saw our relationship from the outside and what she saw was a great connection, lots of love and happiness (all true). We tried to keep our issues to ourselves as they don't need public airing. Unfortunately, this gave her the impression that the problems she was suddenly seeing were new and only started due to her presence rather than understanding that we let her see us in the raw and the raw isn't always pretty. Our 'perfect marriage' wasn't quite so perfect, however, our foundation is strong. We've let a lot pile up on it though, allowing our problems to weigh us down and feel unstable. We forgot how well we work as a team. We forgot to communicate when issues were just starting.

We have spent the past three weeks basically talking from the time I get home from work until it's time to sleep. We are talking about everything - good, bad and ugly. We are taking an honest look at ourselves, each other and our relationship. Some of it is hard to say, some hard to admit. Who wants to admit that they have made some fundamental mistakes. Which I have made.

I have been trying to keep elle in a good place throughout our relationship because I've wanted to avoid conflict and protect her. I've wanted to ease her internal struggles and her fear of abandonment. I've wanted to keep our life at peace whenever possible. I've done it in the wrong way. I've done it at the sacrifice of myself at times. I've done it and harmed her in the process. This created an environment that harmed Kahwaii as well.

Having BPD leads elle to have swinging emotions and to see the world in black and white. Rage can come on quickly and out of the blue. Instead of facing this head on most of the time, my actions or inactions gave her BPD an environment in which to grow. In essence, by avoiding conflict I only created more. I thought I was protecting elle when in reality I was harming her/us by not giving her the chance to learn to control and cope with the symptoms of BPD. I have claimed to be Master but I have not mastered my urge to 'save' her at all costs.

Kahwaii thinks she is responsible for our conflict; in part she is, but not in the negative way she thinks. Until she entered the picture and I started seeing the effect everything was having on her, I was mostly blind to the effect everything was having on elle and I. Suddenly someone else that I love and also want to protect at all costs, was being harmed by the way I have tried to protect elle. That was a really big mind fuck. It caused elle and I to fight more because I started to panic. I started to see where our life was headed; I started to admit to myself how I have been feeling; I wanted to change everything NOW.

It took a number of months of this, far too many, to get to the point where I was about to implode. I love them both, I want them both, they both add so much to my life, but I felt I was losing both of them and wasn't keeping my head above water anymore. So, just over three weeks back, the three of us got together for a discussion and I said that I wanted to take a short break from actively seeing Kahwaii so elle and I could take some time to focus on our issues, dig into them and get an idea of what we could do to fix things. Believe me, in no way did I actually want this break. Three weeks without seeing or talking to Kahwaii was not going to be easy.

elle and I started talking and talking and talking. We are never going to be perfect and we will continue to fight (hopefully a lot less) but much has been said and agreed upon, changes discussed and it seems we are taking more steps forward than steps back. Things around here feel more positive. After two weeks without Kahwaii we saw her at the bar, spent some time together, and I made a decision that hurt elle and put us back a step. It took a few days but we recovered, talked more and were exited for the third week to end so we could get back to seeing Kahwaii.

Sadly, Kahwaii came to the conclusion that she was doing us harm and could not stay with us only to break us apart. Her feelings are valid because that is truly how she feels, but she is mistaken in thinking she is the cause of our problems. In truth, she has helped our marriage tremendously, she has done amazing things for my confidence and self worth, and she has filled needs for elle that I was doing poorly with.

I have a connection with Kahwaii that I can't explain. elle says that we have intense energy between us and when we are together the rest of the world disappears; I would have to agree to some extent. The scary part of that is when elle has seen this, is when Kahwaii and I have pulled back from each other to try to minimize this effect. I don't want to lose that with her.

I want her to understand she was NEVER the problem and see that when you shake elle and I to the core, our foundation is standing strong. I want her to see that she has opened our eyes and pushed us to face our problems head on because of how they have started affecting those around us. I want her to recognize all the wonderful things she brought to both elle and I and focus on that rather than the negative. I want her to know that we have not stopped missing her, thinking about her or wanting her back. elle and I have work to do and always will, but things are changing. I intend to keep it that way.
Will I have a chance to feel that energy with Kahwaii again? I certainly hope so. I don't feel like our story is over yet. I love both of them with all my heart.

"Maybe it won't work out. But maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever."

What's in a Name?

I was reminded earlier this week as to why my mother and I have a very superficial relationship and why I don't tell her anything. She came in for her annual visit and I knew leading up to this week that I was going to tell her about Kawhaii and that I go by Lee. I wish I had done neither. 

The second day she was here, she and I went out taking pictures while elle was at work. All day I was trying to push myself to say that I wanted to talk to her. I couldn't do it. I was worried over her reaction and just couldn't get the words out. At dinner, I continued trying and elle finally leaned over and said that I needed to do it. With a deep breath, I spat it out. I had a few things to tell her that weren't really phone conversations.

I told her first that we have a girlfriend. She was rather taken aback and didn't understand why or how. I explained a little bit and I could see in her face she didn't approve but was able to say something to the effect of if that's our preference then hopefully our marriage is strong enough to handle a third. 

She asked what else I had to tell her and I said that elle and our friends call me Lee. She was immediately upset, eyes welling with tears, looking away from me, and not saying anything. I moved over to sit beside her and asked what she was thinking. She said that I will always be Kim to her, I told her I wasn't asking her to change that; she said that she felt rejected because she gave me my name (had she said we, as in her and my dad that died 32 years ago, I may have felt guilt rather than anger), I told her this is still part of my name (Kimberlee) it's just more neutral and I feel more comfortable with it; she said that she knows I'm a good person and don't mean to hurt anyone, but she still feels rejected, I just bit my tongue, let a few tears fall before I could swallow my feelings and fought very hard to stay in my seat. I was so close to telling elle that I was sorry but I had to leave. The only reason I didn't was because I wasn't going to leave elle alone with my crying mother and make her deal with it.

That was all that was said and I'm sure all that will ever be said. Lee will never exist to her and I will have a stroke if she ever asks about Kawhaii. The rest of that night and the following days, it was as if that conversation never happened. I've been switching between anger, hurt, rejection, and resignation since then but buried all of it because I just couldn't deal with it while she was here. elle asked if I wanted to talk about it that night, but I told her no I needed to stay angry so I could keep it in better. That's the second time she has rejected me for finally telling her the truth of who I am - first she told me it was like I had died when I came out as gay and now because I 'reject' her name she rejects my identity. 

I am very good at keeping thoughts and feelings to myself (right girls?) because it is a lot harder for someone to discard me for being who I am if they don't know me. 

Right now I just what to surround myself with the people that love me for who I am...unfortunately I can't do much of that. elle has been great of course and understands my hurt. Last week though, I made the decision that elle and I needed to take a three week break from contacting Kawhaii in order to focus on trying to figure out where our issues are coming from and make a plan to fix things. I wanted to be in both their arms, feeling love from both of them, and I couldn't even tell Kawhaii what was going on let alone see her. 

We did see her at an event last night and so I filled her in. It wasn't a great place for talking though so not much was able to be said. It's really hard not talking to her or seeing her, though I stand by my decision and reason behind it. I miss her a lot, and I'm sure that will increase with mom gone and knowing that we could be seeing her. I feel like I'm missing part of me and worry that she'll realize the opposite. We bring a lot of stress into her life; maybe she will be happier to have that gone how ever much great feelings are involved.

elle and I are struggling with our relationship and I'm scared to think what will happen if we don't get things straightened out. I'm not going to get into our issues and still need to do some soul searching to really get down to what the problems are, but I am really hoping that with a few weeks of a bit more time together we can at least open up better communication and see more clearly what we can do to move forward. I have not taken the break from Kawhaii because I feel she is causing the issues, not in the least, but just as a way to make us focus more on the two of us and making us strong again without dragging Kawhaii into the stress of it. Two more weeks.   

On Shaky Ground

Things haven't been going so great lately. Our relationship between Master and i as well as with Kahwaii has taken a few major hits lately and we are all suffering because of them. Master has a few ideas on how She wants to fix them. One of the ideas i disagree with and the other i agree with but am embarrassed by it. i'm not going to share them until after we have a chance to talk to Kahwaii about them, which we are planning on doing this evening.

In my opinion, it was all starting to brew just below the surface for a while before we went to Kahwaii's cabin at the beginning of last month but things happened while we were there that i believe never got fully resolved which compounded the earlier problems and they've all been escalating ever since. The security of our relationship feels like it is resting on a very thin line.

my jealousy over the connection that Master and Kahwaii have is my biggest problem i believe. i'm not sure why i am jealous now because in the beginning i was not at all jealous. In fact, it was quite the opposite, i craved to see them develop a bond together and i was concerned that Master would have a hard time seeing me with someone else. i don't know what made the switch flip. i think it's because Kahwaii and i don't connect the same way that she does with Master. We connect sexually but because of the nature of our relationship we have sex very infrequently. i really wish that it was more often because i feel so much closer to her afterwards, even if its not sex per say even when she and i make out and definitely after she has beat on me.

i have been having some fairly wild emotional mood swings and have been changing my opinion/view on topics (because of the swinging emotions) a lot lately. My BPD (borderline personality disorder) seems to be rearing it's ugly head more as of late. This morning i even suggested that i try re-upping my one medication that we had reduced a few months ago to see if that will help. Master and i even briefly talked about going to talk to someone together but we decided that we don't feel like teaching someone about our style of relationship and even then the person may not understand enough to be effective in helping us navigate some fairly unique relationship problems. And since i already have more than maxed out my portion of my insurance coverage for psych we cant really afford it anyways. So we are going to try to work things out on our own.

What do we need to work on exactly? i need to work on being more obedient and less headstrong. i am a very strong willed person and when i believe in something i will fight for it tooth and nail. i also need to work on getting my BPD under control again and try to see the grey areas in between the black and white that i tend to see. For example, to me, you either love or hate, nothing more, nothing less, simple as that. My mental health being unstable creates and exacerbates so many problems. i believe it is at the root of my jealousy issues and if i can figure out just what would be causing it maybe i can work with my psychologist to correct it. In my opinion Master needs to work on Her consistency with enforcing the rules and slowly but steadily upping Her authority in more and more of my life.

Life is about to get busy. Next week Master's Mom will be here for 5 days plus one of my stepsisters is getting married just after Mom leaves. As well, i have just started a new casual job, i haven't even had my first shift yet but once i do i imagine i will get a bit busier with that too. i'm not sure when Master and i are going to find time to work on our relationship but we need to make it a priority, much more so than we have been in the last while.

A Storm is Brewing

It has been quite a while since I have said anything here, but not for lack of things to talk about. I have stared at the blank screen on a number of occasions and have second guessed writing about any of the topics or feelings that have come to mind, but here goes...
___________

Life is complicated. We have run up against a number of difficult issues over the past few months and haven't really come up with any easy fixes yet. About a month ago, the three of us went to Kahwaii's parent's cabin on the lake. It was wonderful being out there with boat access only, one neighbor in the bay, and very little for modern convenience. I could really easily just live in a place like that. I was really looking forward to three days with just my girls and getting some extended time with Kahwaii without anyone having to go home at the end of the night.

We had some fantastic moments out there - we took advantage of the lack of people and had an incredible outdoor humiliation scene followed up by really hot sex and a chance to cuck elle. Sitting on the dock, watching the sun set over the water was beautiful, though it made me a bit homesick for Victoria. We snuggled on the couch in front of the fire and simply seeing Kahwaii each day made me very happy.

Unfortunately, shit hit the fan a couple of times and a decent amount of our time was spent trying to figure out hurt feelings and upset emotions. See, Kahwaii and I have a very good connection and apparently our energy is rather overpowering. We think we are being inclusive and tell elle she is always welcome to join conversations and such, but due to our connection I guess we look involved in private moments that aren't inviting. elle felt excluded and hurt by this.

The second night in, after the humiliation and cucking, I tucked elle into bed because she was falling asleep. As I did so, she encouraged me to tell Kahwaii that I love her (I confessed this to elle quite awhile ago). I did and Kahwaii said it back. It was great being able to say it to her with elle's encouragement...until things went sideways. Turns out, elle encouraged me because she knew I wanted to tell Kahwaii and thought that was what I wanted to hear. I did want her support, but I wanted it truthfully. It hurts elle to know I am loved back and this has brought out a fair bit of jealousy that she's having a hard time overcoming. We've realized that she was probably having sub drop and the emotional hurt was bigger because of it, but it's still there.

elle and Kahwaii have some difficulty connecting and their relationship label has changed a few times making emotions run like a rollercoaster. It's hard on both of them trying to figure out feelings and how best to improve their relationship and D/s dynamic. I feel very guilty to be so happy with where Kahwaii and I are at because it hurts elle; I am scared I will lose Kahwaii if they aren't able to connect more; I miss Kahwaii as soon as we are apart and always look forward to when I can see her again. The more time I spend with Kahwaii the harder I fall for her and the bigger my heart will break if it ends. I don't want this to hurt anyone but I don't want to pull back to try to keep that from happening either.

Since coming home from the cabin there has been ongoing jealousy. elle is having a hard time with Kahwaii and I saying I love you (even privately) and for a while had asked if we would refrain. It was very difficult not saying it when we'd finally started to and it felt unfair that we were stopping because the feelings weren't the same between elle and Kahwaii. They are separate relationships that grow differently and it felt like a punishment because ours grew closer faster. Alone time with Kahwaii was also nonexistent since then.

elle wants to be ok with everything and gets mad at herself for not being so. I can understand her side and don't want to hurt her but at the same time I need to be able to throw myself into this relationship with Kahwaii as well to be fair to what we have. We tried to deny it, but we knew from the start feelings were going to happen. We are not primaries but the feelings are no less valid or important. Same with the feelings between elle and Kahwaii. No one is expendable.

This past weekend was a kinky camping event with 80+ people. It was our second time going, and the place where Kahwaii's interest in us started showing last year. It was pretty awesome being there this year and not just watching her from a distance (I think I've already mentioned that I had quite a crush on her from early on in meeting her). Last year secret crush, this year in love.

Things weren't all great though. More or less the same emotions were coming out. At one point I took elle aside because I was getting really upset over the double standard that I felt was happening between what was ok to happen between her and Kahwaii compared to myself and Kahwaii. I've been getting very frustrated by this and pull back from Kahwaii each time the three of us are together in order to not upset elle, that hasn't really been making it better for anyone though.

I don't know how to help them learn each other's language so they can communicate better. I've tried 'translating' for them but I'm worried it's not enough. What I worry is that they are too different everywhere except in their individual levels of dominance in which I think they could be on par if elle was on the top side. It leads to head butting as an unconscious struggle for power. The dynamic is Kahwaii dominant and elle submissive, but I think her brain tells her to push back because it feels there is a chance to gain control. elle can submit to J because he is more dominant and she won't get the control - he intimidates her; she can submit to me because if she doesn't it would royally fuck our shit up; she has a hard time fully submitting to Kahwaii because if she fights enough maybe she can wrest the control away. I'm not saying this is through conscious choice at all, and I know elle doesn't see where she is doing said pushing back, but it is there and I believe is a big reason they have a more difficult time connecting.

(I wrote this a few weeks ago and was going to add more, but am leaving it at this to move on to more recent events.)

I Love Her More Than Zombies

This warm weather and melting snow makes me want to get back out on the trails and head into the woods! I don't care if we would be hiking through two inches of mud and by the end of the day we were covered up to our knees with muck. I want to feel the exhausting weight of the pack on my back after six/eight hours on the move; I want to finish the night with the smoke of a campfire billowing around us and the flames lighting up only a small circle of the black, black night. I want to crawl into our little tent, shimmy into our sleeping bags and barely sleep because there is a rock jabbing me in the small of my back and 'fuck what was that noise' thoughts sending paranoid delusions through my head.

I want to wake up in the small hours of the morning just as the sun is coming up with the birds quietly chirping around us and open the tent to a chill morning and the utter peace and contentment that, that moment brings. Those mornings are amazing. We sit around in silence together, sipping our coffee and just breathe. No one else around, no traffic, no digital distractions; just nature, each other, and that feeling of my soul being revived.

Can we just live out there forever?

Hiking on the Mantario Trail is pretty good, but sadly it just doesn't compare to the trail we were on near Victoria. Looking out over the ocean and hearing the crash of the waves and the call of the seagulls as we pushed forward is just beyond describing. I'm sad we didn't get out there much at all before moving and even after nearly four years here, I am still homesick for Victoria. I want to go back to visit (the place more than the people, is that bad?!) but I'm afraid of how much more I will miss it once we have to leave again. I didn't think I could love a place and miss a place this much.

We moved here for very good reasons though and I would not change that decision now even if I could. To not move here would mean to not meet the incredible people that we have. There are people here that have changed our lives and I can't imagine not knowing them. I can't picture where we would be without having attended MAsT that first time, without putting ourselves out there to co-lead MAsT, and without meeting the people through MAsT that are now friends and family.

I am not the person I was when we moved here (and I don't mean that in the way I did in my last post). Life is different. We are different. I would absolutely love to move back to Victoria someday. We have talked about it many times and our ultimate plan was to always move back. Moving back now though would mean leaving people we love rather than just a place we love. Heartsick versus homesick.

Even if we were to move back, it is many, many years from now. elle will hopefully be starting school in the fall and then there would be a long time from there before moving would make sense. Perhaps by then the homesickness will have been replaced completely by the people that have made such a lasting mark on us...or perhaps they could all move there with us ;)

Our M/s is stronger and our love is stronger due to the challenges and experiences we have faced together since moving here. There can never be regret for this move, only a longing to have all that we have here in the place that we also love.

However, in the middle of the woods, in the beauty of Victoria, in the frigid colds of Winnipeg, with elle at my side I know I am always home. Looking at her asleep beside me, watching her chest rise with each breath and seeing the beat of her heart in the pulse at her throat just puts me in awe of how much I am in love with her and how lucky I am to spend my life with her.

I would miss a new episode of The Walking Dead for you elle, but with you I know I would never have to and that is true love!

The Stranger Inside

I feel like I am becoming a stranger. I used to be pretty laid back, very slow to anger and quick to forgive and move on. I felt fairly stable emotionally and like I could remain strong to support elle. Of course, I had my bad days when I just wanted to hide out in a dark room, let the day pass and probably feel better tomorrow. These days, I want that dark room more and more and I know tomorrow will be more of the same.

Ever have a rough night of sleep where you wake up feeling just as tired as when you went to bed? You drag your ass around all day trying to get through work and life so you can fall into your bed as soon as possible and let the sandman take you. Ever have two nights in a row? What about a few weeks? Couple months? Years? Sleep starts to feel pretty pointless when it does nothing to rejuvenate your mind and body for the next day.

I've been doing this for years now. Trying different medications to see what will work but in the end nothing has helped with my awake hours. Sure pills make me fall asleep, even sleep mostly through the night sometimes, but I still wake up feeling as if I had laid down for only five minutes. I feel physically exhausted all the time. My body feels so heavy. It takes so much effort to put one foot in front of the other, to eat, to coordinate my hands to work. It takes effort to breath because I feel like a weight is on my chest, to keep my head held up, to keep my eyes open.

Mentally, I am not myself. I am often on the verge of tears (and fight them off because I am generally at work); I can not concentrate or focus and I know I am making mistakes; my memory is pretty terrible and I forget words a fair bit. I am quite quick to anger and try really hard not to let it out because I know I am also overreacting. I have lost my patience and get frustrated very easily. I have murderous thoughts of jumping over my cubicle wall and smashing the guy sitting there with his keyboard if he tap, tap, taps it one more time! I think the last month is the worst that this has been so far.

I know this is hard on elle because she wants to help, but can't, and I'm sure she is seeing the stranger than I am feeling. This isn't who she married and this isn't who I want Kahwaii to know.

What if this is me now though?

M, F, T...Me

What do you call a person that isn't quite a girl, but isn't a boy, and doesn't fall under trans?

Unfortunately, there is no punch line though that sounds like I'm kicking this off with a joke. Nope, this is just my life.

Growing up, people would mistake me for a boy. I never wanted to correct them out of embarrassment which only got worse when they realized and tried to apologize. Usually, I just tried to get away quickly enough that they wouldn't notice their mistake or at least I wouldn't have to hear when they did. This happened often enough that when I was a bit older and someone called me a girl, I was surprised and even made a comment to my mom along the lines of "she knows I'm a girl!"

Now that I am older, it happens on the rare occasion depending on how I'm dressed and I suppose what direction they are coming at me from and that embarrassment is still there. Yet, call me a lady or ma'am and I cringe and feel like telling them I ain't no lady! But...

...what the fuck does that make me? I don't feel like I am in the wrong body, hence not trans. However, there are certain parts of being a dude that would be pretty great. I could be bigger and stronger that I could pick elle up and carry her to bed when she falls asleep on the couch. I could have a built in cock so that in the middle of spontaneous fun times, I don't have to be like pause, hold that thought while I get strapped in, not to mention being able to feel what we are doing would be awesome. I don't actually want to be a guy though.

Being seen as a woman, or even just saying that, is just awkward and uncomfortable. I have the bits and tits which I guess makes me female and I don't exactly want to get rid of them either, but my head doesn't quite match up. It doesn't match up with anything and I don't like the feeling of not knowing 'what' I am. I don't feel like I fit in with most guys; I don't feel like I fit in with most women. If someone is attracted to me, what do they see, what am I, what do they expect me to be?

elle says that I am me and I fit with her and that's all that matters, which yes that is very true. She has accepted me as this and we work amazingly together. With her all I need to be is me, same with a few friends. Beyond that I don't know and I just feel lost, alone, alien.

This is a big part of why I am an introvert I think. If I bury my nose in a book my mind is busy with the story and not having to process the image in the mirror or worry about what others are seeing. Being social means needing to fit inside one of two holes and figuring out what side people are consciously or subconsciously expecting me to be on.

I'm sure I confuse some people, especially when I am called Sir. Which I must say, I love to hear.

I seem to be thinking about this a lot lately, maybe because we talk more and more about cucking and/or poly and it makes me so unsure of how to let others know me when I don't know me. It would be a lot easier if life had a back or undo button. I could say something, I could approach someone and if it doesn't go the way I want then I could just hit undo and not feel like a dumbass!

Are We There Already?!?

I have been looking back at some of the old blog posts and amazed at where we've come. Obviously things will change, that’s the nature of life, I know that. I am caught up by how much they have changed. Things that we were struggling with and fantasizing about 4 years ago when we first started are second nature now. Things that i said that i’d never be interested in doing/trying are forefront in our Power Exchange and/or play. Who would have thought!

It was almost 4 years ago exactly when Lee and I first started to explore kink. I confirmed this on Friday evening when we looked back into the history of this blog to reminder ourselves about dates and timelines for things in our relationship. You see, we are hosting next month's MAsT discussion. Looking back at some of things I said in those early posts made me almost laugh. Like when i said that i don’t consider myself submissive sexually because Lee and I talk about our sex and play so that we both get what we want. Where should we start with what’s wrong about that?! ? Or that I have no interest in sexual age play- writing that just now made me literally laugh out loud! Towards the beginning i used writing prompts to help drum up topics for me to write about (I know, what a concept!) I've been mulling over the idea of going over some of my old answers  and writing a new post with my new answers, see what has changed and, if i can track it, the evolution of how we got from one point to the other.

That wasn't the point of this blog post though. The point of this post is to express my nervousness at the idea of giving a presentation. I realize that it is a small group and probably most of them in the room will be people we know but i don’t know if i feel qualified to give others suggestions for their PE, M/s, D/s, etc. Sometimes i feel like we are still actors playing roles, or even more accurately, stand-in actors playing somebody else’s role. Yes, we live our M/s 24/7 but is that enough to be, in a way giving others advice for their relationship(s).

Although we have been doing this for 4 years, it has only been within the last 5 months or so that things have been going consistently well for us. For a good portion (about a third) of that 4 years there was very little M/s in our relationship. How much time and experience does one need before they are “qualified”?-I don’t know that that can be answered. Ok yes, our MAsT meetings are not big events and hosting a discussion isn't like giving a presentation at a conference (or anything even close it for that matter) but there has to be some level of accountability and responsibility to our MAsT Winnipeg membership and meeting attendees that what we are saying is legit. Do we have enough experience and knowledge to do that? I guess we do otherwise the MAsT leaders wouldn't have agreed to have us do it. (We weren't the ones to say we wanted to do this topic, it was kind of thrust upon us when our presenters had to back out.) The topic is something we have some experience with- keeping up the Power Exchange while undergoing life changes. And luckily we have about 5 weeks to organize our thoughts. We got an outline going on Friday with the key points that highlight the changes in our relationship and how they helped/hindered us. There is much work left to be done but i don’t think it will be too hard.

Actually standing up in front a room of people and talking will be challenging. Lee is not much of a talker especially in groups and i don’t want to have to do most of the talking cause as much as this might come as a shock to those who know me i don’t particularly enjoy public speaking.

We get to do this again in November when we host the discussion that we had originally agreed to do as our first presentation (Discrete D/s). Wish us luck!

Nothing to See Here

So I'm not too sure what I am here writing about today but since it has been over a month since either myself or Lee has published anything I though that I should attempt something.

A quick recap on the baby-makin' front- we had our first insemination last month which was unsuccessful but earlier this week we had our second, which we think will have better chances of being successful (I had 3 eggs developing this time as opposed to only 1 last time, but that also means that there's a chance of having multiples).

Other than baby stuff and work we haven't been doing too much. It was pride a few weeks ago so we went to a couple of the events and the parade but that's about it though really. Lee has been trying to get our garden growing, which after so many years of neglect from previous tenants, is taking a monumental effort! About 10 days ago I took three days and cooked and baked a whole bunch of stuff for the freezer so that I/we can have quick/easy meals that are still mostly healthy on days that I work and don't feel like cooking. That was a feat! I ran out of room in my freezers so I had to quit before I had made everything! Next time I will try to plan better, both my time and the amount of food I will make. This was the first time that I have tried to do anything on this scale before, in the past i have made a couple of casseroles or the like and froze them individually portioned but that was for work lunches mostly. I like knowing that I can still serve Sir a decent dinner after work when I'm tired or that She has things that She can pull out on the evenings that I work.

On to the kinky stuff then...

The other day Lee told me that this weekend we're going to go over the rules and if we think I am ready for Her to increase the corrective action if/when I break a rule. Most of them I would say that I am ready for the increase. There have been a few that I have struggled with though. I think the hardest ones for me are remembering to ask permission before leaving the room and asking permission before eating a sweet/treat item (especially when Lee's not around). When we had that rule a few years ago I did fairly well with it so I'm not sure why I am struggling with it now. I kind of think that having a "bigger" punishment for infractions will help me remember better.

We haven't had much for play time lately and with possibly being pregnant that puts more restrictions on what we can do. Although, when we were at The Ball last weekend we watched a few rope/suspension scenes that we both enjoyed. Neither of us have had any real desire to "learn rope" and until recently. Since we have been actively trying for a baby and trying to figure out ways that we will be able to play still while I am being an incubator the topic of rope has come up. For me, the draw is the restriction/bondage aspects of it. (I imagine it's probably the same for most bottoms?) I haven't asked Lee what it is exactly that draws Her to rope but I'm guessing that it is probably similar to me (but from the other side, obviously). Since neither of us have any experience with rope I'm not sure how to get started, a book or two and/or the internet I guess? And find some decent rope to start playing with I imagine.

The one new thing that has been coming up lately is a desire in me to "top" someone. Just in play mind you. I have had similar desires before but not to the extent or explicitness that I have been feeling lately. There have been a few occasions lately where I just want to beat on someone. The feeling goes beyond just being playful. I don't really understand where the feelings are coming from and don't know what to do about it since I don't have anybody to beat on. I really wish I had a group of subs/slaves that I could talk to about this like I did in Victoria.

I have been contemplating trying to start a submissive women's group here for that and many other reasons. I keep going back and forth about whether I have time for it, and since i am relatively unknown here I don't know if people would question if I have what it takes to be in charge of a group like that. I know how I would like the group to operate and I have come up with a list of a few topic ideas for meetings already. I have been thinking of messaging the woman who is the leader of the subby women's group that I was a part of in Victoria to see if she has any advice to offer.

Well, I think that's all for today. I'll try to write again soon.

It's been how long!?

So it's been a year and a half since our last post, but I'm basically going to just pretend it was yesterday and just jump right back into the thick of it and hope some fine folks are still interested in reading:)

Since moving here our Ds has gone through many ups and downs. We were on a downwards slope leading up to moving and since getting here we haven't been able to really find our stride for more than a short stint at a time. I know we have both gone through times where we aren't really feeling it for ourselves and need the other to pick up the slack first, but it's kind of the chicken and the egg dilemma. I do better at Domming when elle is already in that slave frame of mind, and she can get there easier when I am showing My control over her. Yes as "The Domme" I guess it is up to Me, I am in charge after all, but is it totally weak Domme behaviour to ask her to help Me (us) get there? Probably. Though I have never fit the combat boots or stillettos of born-to-be Dommes so I guess I should just stick to My own comfy shoes instead.

Two weekends ago we had a great scene where I kicked her for the first time with My (combat, lol) boots on. It was great on both ends. She drifted away for a while which I haven't managed to get her to do in quite some time and she even asked if I might give her a repeat the next night because it was so good for her...I did. It was a fantastic three days and for a few days following she stayed more in her submissive mind frame. We are on a bit of an upswing at the moment where we find it easier to continue at least the smaller aspects of the dynamic and rules.

What makes it harder to continue and built upon this is a) Me being tired a good lot of the time even with sleeping pills b) a few days here and there of conflicting work schedules where we don't even see each other for a few days and c) unexpected moods that make it harder to judge how and where to assert Myself. Lately I have been more Daddy than Madam and we both feel that Madam just really doesn't suit our dynamic. I'm more of a sweet Daddy that makes her little girl feel better, a naughty Daddy that make her little girl feel better wink, wink, nudge, nudge, and a Daddy Domme or Lee that kicks, punches and slaps, ect, her slave. I have to figure out how to be a Daddy Domme in a non-physical way to bring that control into our daily lives and leave sweet and naughty to more specific occasions. I think I will shortly be changing My name on fetlife from MadamLee to something more fitting. 

elle is now on her third of four evening shifts. Two where okay because they were on the weekend so we get the morning together as I'm off, but now I wont see her again until Wednesday after I'm off work. I do like My alone time as I'm sure she likes hers too, but I always feel after that I put even more pressure on Myself to step up to make up for the missed few days which usually means of course it doesn't happen and I beat Myself up more and then I go into more of a self loathing spiral for once again failing. This dynamic would flow a lot easier if we could both manage to take the pressure off ourselves and afforded ourselves the room to fumble. Maybe we will learn that in the years to come.

Anyway, before I started writing this, I read back through a number of the more recent posts that we had and I feel a bit more of a renewed belief that we did this fairy well before and we can again and I realized I really need to get back to writing as well because I really enjoyed working on the story I put a brief excerpt from in here. 

Well, not really anything juicy to this post, but I plan to update frequently and to have elle doing so as well. Come on back soon and I'll try to make it more worth your while;) Perhaps I will give elle some new writing assignments too.  

Update

Lately things around here have been pretty busy. i've been packing and getting us organized for moving. Last week Lee's mom was here visiting us. While she was here she helped us take our four cats to the vet. Lee and i have been going to places and doing things that we want to get done before leaving Victoria. She only has 2 more weeks of work left then we have a few days to go hiking one last time on my favorite trail (we're still deciding if we have time to make it an overnight) and do a few other things. i've also been busy with my course.

On the kink side of life, there hasn't been much time for that unfortunately. The other day i surprised Lee when she came home from work dressed sexy. We had a great evening of sex. i begged Lee to fist me which She happily obliged. Hopefully we will have time before we move to do the interrogation scene that we have been talking about.

Well, that's about all for now. i'll try to write again soon.

Moving Plans

There is only six weeks until we move.

We are doing well for savings. The more the better though, right?
Our flights are booked.
We only need to get one more kennel for the cats.
We are going to keep our sleeping bags unpacked and just sleep here on the floor the last night rather than going to a hotel as we had first planned so that will save us a bit of money.
It looks like i  should be getting my new licence any day now so then i can start applying for jobs. i guess i need to work on my resume.
We are going to take all of the cats to the vet when Lee's mom is here for a visit in a few weeks so we don't have to take them on the bus.
We have started to look at places online and my mom has agreed to go look at a place if we find one we really think we might like. Lee really wants to find a house or a duplex with a basement.
i have packed a few boxes, just books, but i have started.

There are a few things we want to do/see here before we move so we need to make a plan of action for that.

The time is going to fly and i need to get more organized or soon things are really going  to pile upon me. i am also taking an online class right now so that needs my attention too.

Oh yeah, and there's that interrogation scene that we are planning. It's happening next week.

Ramblings

I feel lost. I'm half way through My leave of absence and I feel I have done nothing with My time. Sure I've been keeping up with the cleaning and transferring old writing onto the computer, but really I have done nothing. I had plans to write during this time, I haven't written a word. I was going to take photos during these months, I have taken a handful of our cats. I was going to rev up My cooking skills, I put in minimal effort in the beginning. I was going to learn all about D/s and fine tune our dynamic, it's a slow work in progress. I just feel trapped in this perpetual cycle of housework and I'm doing it to Myself.

I barely leave the house other than for a trip to the library or grocery store because I know if I go to a coffee shop, or for a walk, or whatever then when I get home I'll be even less inclined to do what I should be doing around here. If I clean first with plans to go out after, by the time I'm done I don't have the energy or inclination to go anywhere, and it's getting dark.

I fool Myself into thinking, today is the day I will write a story, when I don't even have any ideas swirling around in My head. I type up old writing and I'm impressed with the ideas I had growing up, some are quite good and make Me want to pick up writing them but then I tell Myself I can't. I need to just get this stuff on the computer and I can write later. I have a feeling 'later' is really never. In a month and a half I go back to work full time, then two and a half months later we move. The stressful struggle to find a job, any job, will then start up, followed by more full time work, followed by a lifetime of being someone's lackey at some job I end up hating after a time because it's not what I want to be doing, but I don't know what I want to be doing, because when I have the time to do what I think I want to do I don't do it because I feel like I don't have the time and if I feel like I don't have the time now, then I most certainly will never have the time because I am obviously not ambitious enough to just take whatever time I do have and do something with it!

I have never had the motivation to actually put in hard work for the career I've wanted and I'm scared to do any kind of more schooling because I know from the past that it just puts Me (and now My wife) in debt and isn't actually put to use. I'm worried I will be a lifetime retail worker and I hate that thought, but I don't know how to motivate Myself to make something of Myself.

A few steps I am going to try to turn the next half of this time off, around:

1. Change cleaning schedule to open up some time.
2. Schedule in writing/coffee shop, walks/photography (I work better following a schedule, hence blogging regularly now, it's on the schedule).
3. Plan rewards for elle and I to show My appreciation for her working so hard for us, and Me for adding some motivation to the career side of life.
4. Schedule in play times.
5. Schedule in moving prep.

I can't wait for elle to get home in an hour+, I need a hug.

Another curve in the Road

The other day, i got a call from my work telling me that the woman who works full time evenings has just quit. My manager asked if i would be interested in working the full time position until they can find and train someone. Seeing as how we are moving and could use all the money we can get, i reluctantly said yes. The biggest problem that i have with this arrangement is that Lee works days, which means that we will hardly get to see each other.

For those of you who have followed along for a while have probably caught on to the fact that i am a pretty hands on submissive type, meaning that i do best when i'm being actively dominated by Lee. i love/crave the physical stuff…. like serving Her dinner, sitting at Her feet, kneeling at the door when She comes home, that kind of stuff. Even the domestic stuff that i do when She is at work has an element of hands on because i like when She inspects what i have done when She gets home.

This "separation" is going to be hard on both of us. But on the other hand maybe it will help us build our relationship in a way that will be less obvious. That would come in very handy when we move.

Another implication of working full time is that i probably won't have much time to write. Nor will i have much to say, unless you want to hear about my day at work, which is not the reason you're here LOL! They are not exciting, trust me when i say that you don't want to hear about it!

Moving

Every day brings us closer and closer to moving. i really don't feel prepared to do it though, financially or otherwise. i'm really concerned that we have bitten off more than we can chew at the moment.

We have started going through papers to get rid of any that we don't need (Lee has a lot of papers with writing ideas, drawings and such that she's trimming down, i have recipes mostly). We also want to go through our books, CDs and movies. i have started weeding out clothes that don't fit or that i just don't wear anymore.

The other night i looked into flying with our cats and we discovered that Air Canada has a black out period for live cargo during the time we were hoping to go so now we are thinking that we will have to ship them before we leave. i really don't want to do that, our kitties will be so scared to be in a new home with other animals (we're probably staying with my Mom and Stepdad) and not have their Mommies.

my Mom has a friend who owns a long distance moving company so i have asked her is she would find out if he could give us a deal (and what kind of price we're looking at). i know that when i moved out here my ex and i were looking at about $2000 for a moving company, which Lee and i cannot afford.

i have started the process to get my licence in Manitoba. It's costing a fortune! It's been about $350 all together to get the forms filled out by the different places, notarized copies of our marriage certificate and my birth certificate, passport photos, a criminal record check. Then i have to pay for my licence which i believe is another $450. i'd better get a job quickly to make this all worth it!

i am so worried about how our M/s is going to look when we are living with my family. We won't have any private time for playing, i won't be able to overtly serve Her, lay at Her feet or many of the things that we do now. i just hope a tiny fraction will survive long enough that we can recover it once we are back out on our own.

*~*~*~*

i confessed to Lee recently that i have been feeling somewhat lost lately. i feel like my submission has been waning, again. i just don't feel very submissive. Madam says that my behaviour has been much better than when She first made the Behaviour Modification Plan but i don't know why because it doesn't get used very much. i guess that's the biggest thing that She sees so therefore uses to judge my level of submission but to me there is so much more. Like my drive and want to serve, which is low.

i think there are a few things contributing.

The first being that i have had a terrible rash on my neck and couldn't wear my collar. i have just recently started wearing it again sporadically and hope to increase the amount that i am wearing it more and more. Hopefully that'll help with that aspect.

The next part is that with working as much as i have in the past month and a half we haven't had as much time together as we used to, therefore we aren't getting time to play or other activities that connect us. And when we do play either i and/or She feels tired and so play time is shorter, less intense or both than i would like (need) it to be.

Another big part is that Lee has been very stressed about work for reasons that i'm not going to get into. For that reason, i feel like her active domination has lessened and i feel guilty asking Her for more as i don't want to put added stress on Her.

And last but not least the stress of moving. As i mentioned earlier we are starting to go through stuff and that takes up valuable time but it is very necessary.

i fear that things are going to get worse before they get better as our time will be stretched even more as moving day gets closer and closer.

Well, with that being said i should be wrapping this up and hitting the boxes, i guess!

What i am Thankful For

Last weekend was Thanksgiving. At the time i was too busy with work and cooking to write but i thought that i'd take some time now to think about all that i'm thankful for.

First and foremost i'm thankful to have Lee. my wife, my Master and my best friend. She is the sun which my little world revolves around. Without Her i'd be a lost soul. She makes happier than i ever thought was possible. She has the best lips for kissing, the best ears for listening and the best arms for squeeze-hugs.

i am also thankful for:

• Good mental health. i have been "depression free" for over 2 1/2 years now, which, knock on wood, is longer than i have ever gone before. Even though there have been a few times that i have thought that i was starting to go down that road again for some reason i seem to be able to get out of it before it becomes unmanageable by myself (and with Lee's help).

• Having the career that i have wanted since i was a child. Even though i may not be doing the exact job that i want, i am on the path to finding my dream job. Having a career that makes me feel like i'm making a difference in peoples' lives is important to me, it helps me feel important and useful. (i guess one could say that as Lee's slave i have two careers that make a difference in peoples' lives!!) Next week i am starting to take a continuing education class so hopefully that'll help me land a "better" job once we've moved. i'm very excited to start that class.

• Friends and family. From them i have received support and love that has been important to my survival, both presently and in the past.

• Living in a country that allows same sex couples to get married

• Sexy shoes!! Oh, and boots LOL i love shoes :)

• The ability to express my submission/servitude/slavery...whatever you want to call it. That part of me that repressed for many, many years and i am so grateful that i can let it out and have it acknowledged positively. The absolute joy and fulfillment that i receive from knowing that i've done something to make Madam happy or that makes Her life better is inexplicable.

i'm sure that i've missed something but i need to wrap up cause i'm going out with some of the women i went to school with tonight and i need to get some chores done before i leave so if i think of anything else i'll add it later!

i'm Back!

i'm not entirely sure what to write about today but for some reason I have the urge to write. Maybe cause it's been so long since i have and/or i finally have had enough time to catch up on *most * of the household stuff that i wouldn’t feel guilty for writing.

Well, in case you care to know what i have been doing these last few weeks i've been working more than usual. Anywhere between 3-5 (and a few weeks ago 6) days a week. Now i know to many of you that's probably the norm but not for me and because of it i have been tired and sore.

The other think that i have been doing is birthday shopping for Lee. Tuesday is a big birthday, a milestone, you could say, so i have been hunting for the perfect gift. This proved to be an almost impossible task. What kind of gift adequately represents my love and devotion to my wife/Master? I can't say what i ended up with right now cause then Lee would read it so you all will have to wait until after Tuesday yourselves to find out just like She does. But i think i did good...i hope!

*~*~*~*~*

Last Tuesday (or was it Wednesday? i think it was Wednesday... i can't remember!!) Madam decided that for the day i needed to ask permission to leave Her presence. Any time i wanted to do anything, even if it was something that She told me to do i had to ask. She's never required this of me before so when She told me about this i was worried that i'd forget, which i did a few times but overall i did pretty well with remembering.

Then on Thursday, She made me text Her to ask permission to go to the bathroom. The rule was that i had to wait 10 minutes for a reply and if She was busy and couldn't in that time then after the 10 minutes i was allowed to go. i remembered to text Her both times!

After She got home from work She we talked about how i felt about having to ask permission to go to the bathroom. i told Her that it is somewhat embarrassing to have to ask but that since i was fairly certain that She'd say yes that i wasn't really concerned. So She told me that next time maybe She won't say yes so quickly….next time?!? i'm not sure if this is leading up to always having to ask permission but if it is i'm not entirely sure that i like the idea. It's not the asking in and of itself that worries me but more that She will say no when i really need to go and then i will have to beg to go. i think that would be supremely humiliating.

And i also worry that this is going to lead to no bathroom privacy. i already pee with the door open and don’t care if Madam is in the bathroom when i'm doing so but the thought of having to go number 2 openly is not something that i even want to think about. i know many slaves have no bathroom privacy but i don't know if i'm okay with that.

i'm probably reading more into the two days of asking permission than i should be but i am a worrier (as i'm sure i've mentioned before).

i'm too tired to come up with a jazzy title

We played on Sunday night and OH MY GOODNESS it was wonderful!!!! Madam blindfolded me and i have come to discover that blindfolding me makes me very aware of every touch. Things seem so much more stingier/sharper/thuddier/etc.

i don’t remember all the details but i did see pictures of, i think Madam said it was 12, clothespegs on my inner and outer pussy lips. i do remember being so close to orgasm that i was scared that i would break Madam’s order not to cum if i even moved but not being able to stop my body from grinding against nothing, something, anything!!

The Mother-In-Law arrives tomorrow for a week so imagine that there won’t be much time for play or writing or for Lee to finish editing our wedding pictures… which i really want finished so we can make our scrapbook and/or photo album. And i’m working more this next bit too so i imagine i’ll be too tried to be of much good for anything.

i'm trying desperately to get Lee to post here more often...if you'd like to hear more of Her side of things leave a comment saying as much please ('cause i think She's getting tired of hearing me ask LOL)

The List

A few weeks ago i asked Lee to come up with a list of things that She wants us to either try/try again or do more frequently. A big part of the reason is that i still don’t feel like i know what Her kinks really are, that most of the stuff we do (sexy and/or kinky) is because it has been me going to Her and saying “i would like to try….”. She is working on it, slowly, admittedly it has been very busy for us in the past few weeks so i don’t at all blame Her for not having found the time to finish it yet. i wish She would finish it! i’m dying to know what’s on it! And to start putting that info to good use!

It’s made me think about my “list” too. There have been a few things that i have thought of lately that I’ve never really thought about before. i’m not sure what has caused my brain to think about them more as of late but it has made me curious!! i’ve told Lee that i’m not going to say anything that will influence Her list so i’m not going to say what the activities are at the moment….maybe once She’s got Her list completed.

i was actually thinking that it might be kinda fun to create a kinky/sexy “bucket list” page here. If i’m good at anything, it’s making lists! List making is one of my kinks!! LOL! No, seriously though, i think i love making lists almost as much as i love my cats! And a bucket list is something that will constantly change and evolve, it's a forever list... come to think about it, why haven't i got at least one already?

Have you got a bucket list, kinky or vanilla? or mixed? What's on it?

This post isn’t going to be about kink so much. It’s going to be more about me and my state of mind as of late.

As i have mentioned before, i have a history of mental health issues. i was first diagnosed with depression almost half a life time ago and have been very suicidal at times during the last 14 years. i have taken more than half a dozen different medications over the years and have seen a few different psychiatrists and therapists.

The past two and a half years are probably the best i have been since i was 15 years old. That is, until recently. In the last month or so i have felt myself starting to slide back into that dark place. Lee and i have talked a bit about it but to be honest i hold back the true depth of my feelings most of the time cause i’m scared that She will worry about me. She knows enough that She suggested that i talk to my doctor about going back on meds for a while, which i really don’t want to do for a few reasons.

Antidepressants do two things to me that i hate. Neither of which will help with the depression. The first being that they kill one’s sex drive. If that were to happen i don’t want to even think about how long Lee and i may go without having sex then since Her drive is naturally lower than mine and i’m the one who (nine times out of ten) initiates sex. The second reason is that they make me gain weight. i’m already heavier than i want to be so i think if i gained any more weight i’d just be even more upset and disgusted with how my body looks (bye-bye to any self esteem that i have left!). Those may sound like superficial reasons but as i said i think that both of those side effects would only make me feel worse about myself

The problem is that my depression is affecting our dynamic. When i have a “bad day” i don’t want to do anything. i don’t want to cook, do chores or dress in the manner that i’m supposed to. Lee has tried to push me but it only made things even worse and now She‘s gun shy about trying to push me anymore.

So i don’t know what to do about the situation. i want to be the best slave that i can be for Lee, She deserves nothing less but it’s impossible when i can’t even get up off the couch or out of bed.

Another thing is that as much as Lee and i go to local munches and such i still don’t feel like i/we have made any solid connections so i don’t feel like i have anyone that i can talk to about this. i wish i had a friend or the like that would understand.