Are We There Already?!?

I have been looking back at some of the old blog posts and amazed at where we've come. Obviously things will change, that’s the nature of life, I know that. I am caught up by how much they have changed. Things that we were struggling with and fantasizing about 4 years ago when we first started are second nature now. Things that i said that i’d never be interested in doing/trying are forefront in our Power Exchange and/or play. Who would have thought!

It was almost 4 years ago exactly when Lee and I first started to explore kink. I confirmed this on Friday evening when we looked back into the history of this blog to reminder ourselves about dates and timelines for things in our relationship. You see, we are hosting next month's MAsT discussion. Looking back at some of things I said in those early posts made me almost laugh. Like when i said that i don’t consider myself submissive sexually because Lee and I talk about our sex and play so that we both get what we want. Where should we start with what’s wrong about that?! ? Or that I have no interest in sexual age play- writing that just now made me literally laugh out loud! Towards the beginning i used writing prompts to help drum up topics for me to write about (I know, what a concept!) I've been mulling over the idea of going over some of my old answers  and writing a new post with my new answers, see what has changed and, if i can track it, the evolution of how we got from one point to the other.

That wasn't the point of this blog post though. The point of this post is to express my nervousness at the idea of giving a presentation. I realize that it is a small group and probably most of them in the room will be people we know but i don’t know if i feel qualified to give others suggestions for their PE, M/s, D/s, etc. Sometimes i feel like we are still actors playing roles, or even more accurately, stand-in actors playing somebody else’s role. Yes, we live our M/s 24/7 but is that enough to be, in a way giving others advice for their relationship(s).

Although we have been doing this for 4 years, it has only been within the last 5 months or so that things have been going consistently well for us. For a good portion (about a third) of that 4 years there was very little M/s in our relationship. How much time and experience does one need before they are “qualified”?-I don’t know that that can be answered. Ok yes, our MAsT meetings are not big events and hosting a discussion isn't like giving a presentation at a conference (or anything even close it for that matter) but there has to be some level of accountability and responsibility to our MAsT Winnipeg membership and meeting attendees that what we are saying is legit. Do we have enough experience and knowledge to do that? I guess we do otherwise the MAsT leaders wouldn't have agreed to have us do it. (We weren't the ones to say we wanted to do this topic, it was kind of thrust upon us when our presenters had to back out.) The topic is something we have some experience with- keeping up the Power Exchange while undergoing life changes. And luckily we have about 5 weeks to organize our thoughts. We got an outline going on Friday with the key points that highlight the changes in our relationship and how they helped/hindered us. There is much work left to be done but i don’t think it will be too hard.

Actually standing up in front a room of people and talking will be challenging. Lee is not much of a talker especially in groups and i don’t want to have to do most of the talking cause as much as this might come as a shock to those who know me i don’t particularly enjoy public speaking.

We get to do this again in November when we host the discussion that we had originally agreed to do as our first presentation (Discrete D/s). Wish us luck!

Story Excerpt

Here is an excerpt from a story that I have been writing and going back to now and then over the past year. I wrote this part today after much time of not writing. I hope you enjoy it and I figure you can probably come up with your own idea as to how one could find themselves in this position without My giving the full story:)

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My body has grown stiff from the cold floor and laying unmoving for an unknown amount of time. I have no idea how long I have been locked in this room, the only sign I have of much time passed is the growing pressure I feel in my bladder for release.

A battle rages in my head as I try to decide how it would best please Madam to find me upon her return. Her heel in my back, pressing me to the floor indicated I was not to rise at the time, but was it her intention for me to stay sprawled on the hard floor or would she approve if I were to return to the position I was meant to be in, in the bedroom. I am already to be punished for such a grave disobedience of her command that I fear to make another mistake, but perhaps she would see my changing positions as an attempt to reassert the respect I have for my Madam.

Willing to take on whatever punishment that may come of my decision, I feel in my submissive  self that I must try to show my grief for displeasing her, by once again taking up the wait position for however long she leaves me in this small, lonely room. Moving my stiff body into position, I feel immediately the hardness of the cement pressing into my knees and know that my choice will turn out to be a self punishment and a test of my resolve if she is to ignore me for much longer. I am determined to show my submission.

It doesn't take long for the pain in my knees to grow exponentially. My thigh and calf muscles constrict and tremble as I fight my body on its need to move. My pain is for Madam. I clench my hands to the back of my neck and stare blindly at a spot on the wall as my vision blurs with silent tears that trickle down my cheeks.

I think briefly to distract myself from the fire in my knees by counting, but realize I would then not be fully experiencing my position. I am Madam's property; I have given control of my being to Madam; I am not playing a game, I am living life; to live this life I must be willing to give my all to Madam and do everything that she expects of me. I am nothing; I am no one; I am only what and who she says I am. I choose to feel entirely the pain in my knees, the quivering in my muscles, the ache in my back, the heaviness of my arms, because that is what Madam choses for me.

Instead of counting, I focus all my attention on feeling everything this position causes in my body. It is excruciating for a long time as I slowly scroll through my body, feeling each part, describing out loud how each area is doing, and telling myself the pain is not yet sufficient for the penance I owe Madam.

"Thank you Madam for this lesson; I will learn; I will do better; I want to be your slave and do everything you tell me. Thank you Madam for letting me feel this pain; I want to hurt for your pleasure; I need to suffer for your forgiveness; I beg you to punish me for my insolence. Thank you Madam for allowing this hurt to teach me my place; I am yours; I submit to you; I give you full control; I am yours."

I ramble on until only unintelligible sounds escape and I reach a plateau in my pain where I am kind of floating in a euphoric high based on exhaustion, intense pain, and complete acceptance of what is to come. The way something incredibly hot feels cold to the touch, the feelings coursing through my body have so over stimulated my nerves and pain receptors that I am nearly unaware of my physical discomfort. Not wanting this experience to turn pleasant for me, I slightly alter my position to reawaken my body and fresh tears spill forth as this body that Madam owns once again feels the intensity of pain on a level higher than I have experienced before. I know I am now ready for Madam's punishment.

Not long after, or maybe it is still quite some time later, it is so hard to tell, when my bladder is near bursting, I hear the key in the lock and prepare for Madam's entrance. Not daring to look to the door, with my eyes still fixed to the wall, I hear the click of Madam's heels as she takes the few steps into the room to be directly within my line of sight. I stare at her shoes and realize there is a pair of heavy, black combat boots within my peripheral vision.

Madam has not come back alone.