Controlling my Short Fuse

i have a short fuse.  Lee told me to write about ways to help reduce my outburst this week. 

i think that it has a lot to do with my illness ( i think have mentioned before that i have Borderline Personality Disorder). So by taking my medications will hopefully help reduce the frequency of the outbursts and the strength of them when i do have one.

I also have a problem with my pride which translates into not backing down when Lee and i have an argument.  i want to be right and will get very stubborn about holding my position.  i'm not sure how to change that. I think that i just need Lee to not back down and in time will learn.

I really don't know what to tell Her. I don't know how to stop my outbursts or diffuse them. Hmmm…. Let me think….

Ok, here's what i have come up with so far:

Have Lee remind me that She is in charge, won't accept this behavior, etc. when She sees that i am beginning to escalate;

Lee needs to stay in control during those times, i need to learn that i can't win by acting up;

Have a time out to calm down, with the order from Lee to think about what happened/why i am acting this way/something similar;

i think punishment would help me feel like  Lee is in charge (physically dominating me??), a hard spanking or some other physical punishment;

After the time out i need to apologize to Lee, which i hate to admit, i don't always do (there's that pride thing again).

Also, i wonder if praise or other rewards when i am being a good slave would re-enforce good behavior and therefore reduce  bad behavior?

Charting the outbursts (what lead up to it, what i did during and how it was resolved) may help me/Her/us see a pattern and be able to better understand why they happen and therefore be able to tailor a behavior modification plan towards the cause(s) and what worked to diffuse it.

i think i'm out ideas for now. Anyone have any suggestions?

Listening Skills

Something i need to work much harder on is listening to Lee when She tells me to do something that i don't want to do. i could go on and on listing examples, when we're out, when we're home, when i'm tired, when i'm mad……

For what ever reason, i get it in my head that what i want/say/need is priority at that moment. i need to get my own way.

i know it hurts Her when i don't listen and i feel awful afterwards. I can almost see Her ego taking the hit when i do, especially when we're in public and She "can't order me around".

I think that part of it is that i know that, for the most part, i will get  away with it. If Lee tries to challenge me, i spout off any number of reasons why i am in the right. And She usually relents.

i really don't know how to curb this horrible habit it but i know that i need to. i think that this could be one of those issues that could be a D/s deal breaker in the long run. i know that if i was in Her place i wouldn't put up with it for a second.

Life and More Bitching

This was written on Thursday evening and i hadn't decided at the time if i would post it. Lee insisted that i do so here it is.

Oh and another thing before i do post it. i want to make something clear. i write more when i'm upset rather than when i'm happy and feeling good. i think this is common amongst journallers but because of this it appears that Lee isn't "living up to being a good Domme". i would like everyone to know right now once and for all, She most definitely is, as well as a good (future) wife and partner. She is on a very steep upward climb right now and i fail to remember that sometimes.

One final note. I haven't written much about my personal life outside of kink. This post was supposed to be about my career and it just kinda morphed into me bitching (once again :( i'm sorry) about how i feel about Madam's domination of me. i am a nurse, an LPN to be exact. i have wanted to be a nurse since i was a little girl. i was a Candystriper (youth hospital volunteer) all through high school. i dreamed of working in the busiest, most intense units, doing the most challenging gory work possible. i graduated from college in September and have been looking for a job only occasionally as i have been enjoying being a housewife/stay at home sub for Madam.

So without further ado here is the post (just a reminder it was written on Thursday late afternoon/evening):

A few hours ago i got offered a job. It’s not my dream job but it’s a nursing job so it’s a step in the right direction. So why am i sitting here with tears running down my face? Why am i not happy, relieved that i will be able to help pay our bills and otherwise lessen the burden of financially supporting us that i have been putting Madam under for the last 6 months?

But no, i sit here so unmotivated that i can’t do anything but cry. i texted Madam telling Her how i feel but Her responses didn’t help any, in fact I’d say they almost did the opposite. She told me to remember the reward of play (if i do all my chores satisfactorily three days in a row we have some sort of play) but at this moment i couldn’t care less about it. i wish i could get up off the couch and do my chores and all the other stuff i had planned for today but my body feels like lead.

Madam just phoned cause i told Her that i was crying. i could tell that She was trying to make me feel better but it didn’t really work. i apologized for saying that i didn’t care. She has relieved me of my chores for the day which makes me feel even worse cause i feel like i’ve let Her down and need to be treated like some fragile porcelain doll.

i want this job but i don’t at the same time. i want to be in a hospital, using all the skills that i learned in school. At a nursing home i will basically be giving out meds pretty much all day long. Exactly what i didn’t want to do. And now i’m going to be travelling over an hour each way on the bus to do it!! But i should be thankful that i have a job, right? i mean a nursing job. i could be working at Starbucks like so many other college/university educated folk are.

i don’t want to work in a fucking nursing home!!!! i said that about my final placement in school (acute rehab) and ended up loving it though so I’m hoping that it’ll end up that i at least like it and can tolerate it for a while for the money. i also hope that it will boost my confidence in looking for more positions.

The other day i had a thought. What about offering my nursing skills to kinksters? i don’t know how many would need real nursing services but since i am kinky as well, if someone needed home nursing i would be able to provide my services and they wouldn’t have to worry about feeling like they had to put away the toys or avoid mentioning their questions about when they can resume playing safely and such.

Madam wants me to have a bath ready for Her when She gets home from work. She wants to cuddle and be able to talk while we relax. Part of me wants that while another part of me wants Her to punish me for not doing anything today. i thirive on routine and structure, when i feel like i do today and let that all fall by the wayside it would be nice to have Her show that She cares about it too. i think that if She had told me that if i didn’t do my chores, or at least some of them that She would be disappointed, upset with me, etc. that would have made me feel guilty about flaking out enough to get my ass in gear. And if She were to punish me for not doing them when She gets home then maybe next time i’m feeling like this i’ll remember the punishment that i received and that will help motivate me then. Also, as i said i thrive on structure and routine and having Her reinforce that would help show me that She cares about what i deep down really care about. There is a part of me that had wanted Her to empathize with how I’m feeling but say something along the lines of “it’s in your and our best interest to maintain your routine. I want you to clean the litter box and sweep right now and text me in five minutes when they are done”. i know She doesn’t like to push me but sometimes i turn to Her hoping to get the push i need to get my ass moving. i don’t think i’ve ever gotten it though. Sometimes i wish She would give me some “tough love”.

i realize that if the dishes don’t get done, the litter boxes don’t get scooped out or the floors don’t get swept that the world isn’t going to crumble but now tomorrow I’m going to have extra chores (on top of daily ones i have semi weekly, weekly, biweekly and monthly ones scheduled for various days). For example, on top of the daily chores i was supposed to vacuum, blog and clean the bathroom, except the tub. Tomorrow’s extra chores are to empty the recycling, wash the hall and bathroom floors, find and recite a reading and tidy the coat/storage closet. i also need to make some lunches for the freezer and bake some muffins. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. Let’s just hope i don’t feel this way again, in fact i need to feel about the exact opposite.

i'm a bad sub...again :(

The other night i went to my first kink event. It was at a local gay bar that i have been to many times before so i was in familiar ground at least. i went with some of the women in the submissive womens’ group that i attend.

i was kind of disappointed though. i thought there would have been more kink/fetish stuff going on but it was pretty tame. There was a guy doing suspension bondage and another doing temporary piercings off in the back corner and there was a St. Andrew’s cross for a while on the middle of the dance floor. Two women did a 20ish minute fire play show which i personally thought was not very exciting, it just seemed so acted out, too showey or scripted or something. i didn't stay till the end of the night and i think there was another show but i'm not exactly sure what it was about.

The reason that i’m telling you this is because i got some temporary piercings done. i had three 22-gauge needles on each side of my collar bone. i was curious as to what it would feel like and someone that i was with was interested in doing it but was kind of nervous so i said that i’d do it first so they could watch. (when i was in nursing school i had practiced giving injections with needles about that size on myself so i knew that it wouldn’t be too bad) It felt good in a way, a bit of an endorphin rush but not at all kinky. In fact it felt very clinical, akin to getting real piercings done but with loud music and a whole bunch of people around. Apparently i was supposed to have them removed before i left but buddy wasn’t at the station and i didn’t want to make the woman who was giving me a ride home wait so i wore them home.

Well, Madam was not happy with me at all to say the least. At first She thought i had been part of a scene. Once i had explained that it was definitely not a scene she was still upset that i had done something like that without asking. Which, looking back at it now, if the roles were reversed i’d be pretty pissed too. She owns my body and i violated that ownership. AARRRGGH… how do i think that i’m ever going to be “good enough” to be a slave, i can’t even be a good obedient sub.

In my own defence, i know that needle/piercing play is something that Madam is not interested in doing, heck it’s a hard limit for Her. i didn’t think she would care very much since i’m not doing something that’s between us. But like She pointed out, there have been other things on the hard limits list that have been removed and that we do now so that could also happen to needle/piercing play. And the biggest thing was that i took away Her control and ownership of me.

Maybe one day She and i will try it. i think it’s something that i could really enjoy in a scene. i enjoyed the sharp bit of pain of the needle entering my flesh and i always love the “reminders” from play with Madam and i do have a couple small bruises so it would be fun to know that She was the one who had left them rather than some random dude at the bar. i think She might too, if She looks at it as a new way of penetrating me ;) and giving me pleasurable pain. And if Her back keeps bugging Her it's something that doesn't require Her to put too much oomph into it like flogging.

i promised Her that i would try very hard to be more respectful toward Her. i will ask before doing anything that would be considered kinky or play-like. Cause like She told me, She would have said yes but i took away Her opportunity to make decisions for me.

While at the bar i ran into the ex-bf whom i have told about Madam and i. i am so thankful that i had told him before cause i don’t know what i would have said if he’d seen me wearing my collar and corset with a bunch of needles in my skin. And no Lee? so whom are you here with elle? i am a terrible liar and even worse so when i have to come up with something on the spot. But i didn’t have to lie, i could be honest. And it was wonderful.

Letting Go

i am a very dominant person, submission does not come naturally for me. The reason that Lee and i chose to have a 24/7 relationship was to try to balance the power in our relationship. i am a control freak to the max. i get pushy when i want my way. When i’m asked to do something, not just by Lee, i need a reason (and because i said so doesn’t cut it for me). i am a very logical step-by-step kinda gal and if i think that what you’re telling me, asking me to do, etc is bullshit then i will call you on it. And i don’t have a very good filter so i too often say what i’m thinking before i can stop to think if it’s a good idea to do so.

i keep thinking that maybe i’m in the wrong role, that i should be the Domme. But then i start thinking about all the things that i would miss. i honestly do enjoy the service, the pleasure of seeing Lee happy to come home to a clean apartment, dinner and an eager mouth waiting to be filled with Her taste. i love making Her life easier and more enjoyable.

Most of my sexual fantasies have always been about being taken, used, forced, hard rough sex. And that’s why i first started looking into BDSM stuff. i very rarely crave soft sensual romantic sex. For me the harder, the dirtier, the more “abusive” the better. Grab me by a fist full of my hair, shove me to my knees and tell me to obey and i will wet my panties. i don’t for one second doubt that i am at the very least a sexual submissive and somewhat of a masochist.

Oh i don’t know. And worse i don’t know how find out. Lee and i have talked about trying out switching roles but i don’t know that that would give us me a good idea unless it went for a while, a month or more maybe even. We’d have to keep it up until the frenzy/newness of it wore off. I’ve contemplated the idea that i might be a masochistic/bottom Domme but then i go back to the whole service.

i think what it is that i need a strong heavy handed Domme to take my control/power/need to be right away. Someone who won’t let me get away with the things i have been doing lately, someone who’ll say you will obey or you will be sorry.

Well, i have to go finish my chores and get dinner started so i think I’m going to leave it here. If anyone has any advise they can offer to help i’d be ever so grateful

Mouthy Sub=Bad Sub

Some days i wish i still had sub frenzy. For me it wasn't just that i wanted to try everything kinky all at once, i also had way more drive to completely submit. No bratty attitude, no talking back, no excuses, i did what was expected of me and then some. But it's gone and wishing won’t bring it back. i don’t really think i want it back to be honest. i just want to be a “good sub” and loose the attitude that i have, for some unknown reason, seemed to have picked up recently.

Ok so it’s not entirely unknown. i have always been very strong willed. i am the first born and a Capricorn. my last girlfriend was very emotionally walled in and often the only way to reach her was by manipulating her and/or the situation. i am used to being in control, leading. i can be very rigid once i have decided on something. All qualities that are probably not the best for someone who wants to be a submissive. Now, i realize that there are all types, oh please, i know. But there are some general qualities that most subs possess and that i want to as well. i guess that’s it, i want to be more submissive, and not just with Lee but in life in general. i have caught myself in work and personal situations being bossy and i don’t like it one bit.

Alright, on to the problem at hand. i have been quite mouthy lately and no matter what i do to try to stop it, i just seem to be getting worse. For example, i haven't been showering with Lee as much for the last few weeks a few reasons. So the other day I did finally have a shower with her. We both were hoping that Her marking me would help put me back into the headspace. It did- until i finished washing Lee and started washed myself, thereby ridding myself of Her physical mark, so all of about two minutes!! The brattiness was back before we even got out of the shower!! L

A lot of time when i am being mouthy i’m making some sort of joke about Her dominance, which i’m sure is not helpful at all at in instilling confidence in Her or re-assuring Her that i want Her to be my Domme. It starts as a joking but i usually take it too far, i just don’t know where the line is between joking around and being a brat.

I’ve seen other subs posting on FetLife asking for help with this exact issue and the responses they get are mostly along the lines of think before you speak and/or keep a marble (or some similar object) in your mouth. I don’t know how useful the think before you speak suggestion is for me cause i tend to shoot off before i think, it’s generally not that i decide to talk back, etc (at least at first then usually i continue cause i don’t get told to stop/shut up/etc the first time and continue until Madam does tell me to do so). As for the marble idea, well, i would be worried about choking.

When we were making up my rules Madam was adamant about not having a rule to prevent me from speaking freely, She wanted me to be able to say what i wanted when i wanted, except when directly in service. I’m starting to wonder if that’s the best choice right now. I don’t want to dictate the rules to Her (to me that screams topping from the bottom, even though Madam and i made the majority of the original rules together) but i think i may need tighter rules on my ability to speak. Maybe rules, enforced rules with serious punishments for infractions will help train me to stop saying things that i shouldn’t. i understand that the reason that the rule wasn’t put in place was because Lee didn’t want me to become a different person all together or feel like i couldn‘t say something that i thought needed to be said. I get that and i don’t want to change who i am fundamentally, i just want to change this aspect.

Sometimes i feel like She just expects me to train myself. i want to be what She wants me to be but so far i have very little idea what that actually entails. i want to be the sub She moulds me into being. Everything about my submission right now is generic, i feel like it has come out of a one size fits all submissive kit. Maybe that’s a bit exaggerated but i don’t really feel like i’m Lee’s sub any more than a sub, except that we had/have a romantic relationship aside from the D/s. If it weren’t for our history i think that i probably would have gotten even more frustrated at the lack of control. i would start to wonder why i was even there, why does She have a sub if She isn’t wanting to make me into Her sub. i'm feeling a lack of HER ownership. Does She want me to be Her sub or a sub? Shall i continue to be a generic, out of the box, no personalizations sub indefinitely? How can one feel like their Madam/Master/etc’s sub when they haven’t received any real guidance as to what that should look like? Maybe i’m being overly dramatic, overly demanding, it was my idea to do this in the first place. i should accept that this is a process, she is learning Herself. How can She teach me what to be when She doesn’t even know what She wants?



But She is the one who is supposedly in charge. i need Her to stop allowing me to dish out the shit that i have been and start demanding that i comply. i need consequences for my actions.

Or maybe, just maybe i need to stop being so needy. i need to think more about what Madam needs and less about what i need. Maybe that’ll solve the problem.

Naughty sub and Our Anniversary

Last night Madam had to punish me. i broke the rule about asking for a treat, twice. i ate a Rice Krispy Square and drank a Coke, both without asking. i knew what i was doing was breaking the rule when i did it but basically chose to ignore it. After my corner time, i begged Madam to give me a spanking but She decided that She wasn't going to. Not as a punishment as least. Instead She upped the intensity of my maintenance spanking quite a bit.

Usually i lay over Her lap and She bare hand spanks me but last night She had me stand and bend over onto the bed. She warmed my ass up with Her hand then used the cane. After She finished we talked for a few minutes and decided that from now on the maintenance spanking were going to be more along that line, that neither one of us were finding that the current intensity to be sufficient. i asked Her to hit me harder. She bent me back over the bed and went and got her belt. Now, last time She used Her belt it hurt like hell but last night it didn't feel that bad at all, in fact She was spanking me harder with Her hand so She got the cane back out. She beat my ass until it was red and covered in welts and i was crying. Finally, the release that i had been longing for. Even though there were no tears my body heaved with my heavy sobs. It was so cathartic.

i don't understand why i need that physical punishment to forgive myself but i just don't feel like i have atoned for my sin(s) until i have. i think that sometimes i act out to get the punishments because i don't know how to ask for them. Madam told me last night that if i feel i need a spanking, that i can ask for one but to me that feels like i'm telling Her what to do. i realize that if She were to punish me when i act out for attention that She is only reinforcing the bad behavior so for that reason i need to learn to ask. But still....

Afterwards, Madam fucked my pussy with her cock until i came four times. She put Her hand around my throat, making it slightly hard to breath which i found incredibly arousing. The thought that my very life was in Her hand was soooo erotic! The struggle to breath, to swallow...i think i want to experiment more with breath play!! Safely though, i don't want to go the extreme where i would be in danger of passing out.

Switching gears....

Today is our anniversary! It was one year ago today that we went on our first date. One year ago my whole life changed and i have never been happier. i met my best friend. Though it has only been one year that we have been together, She knows me better than anyone else has. She knows my deepest secrets, my loftiest dreams and everything in between. She is my eternity mate, the woman i will spend the rest of this lifetime and each lifetime to come with and that still wouldn't be enough time with Her. We are having dinner at home (steak and crab legs if you care to know) and then going to the gay bar to dance. We haven't been dancing since Halloween, except if you count when i make Lee dance with me in the kitchen lol.

Well Madam is leaving work early so i had better go and get back at the housework so it's all done when She gets home.

i love You so much Lee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Happy anniversary!!!!!!!