Mental Health, MAsT, Service and PXS All In One

This is elle writing, i couldn't get the internet on my account to work so i'm using Sir's- hence this post being authored under Her name.

I'm home from work today with some sort of stomach bug so i thought i'd try to write a post even though it's only been a couple of days since the last one.

i seem to get sick a lot, like almost monthly there seems to be something going on. i've read before that people with mental health problems, especially during 'flare-ups', get physically sick more often as well. I would definitely say that i'm having a flare-up now. About two months ago Master and i went to our doctor and asked him to reduce my anti-depressant medication as it seemed like i was feeling very anxious and agitated/on edge all the time. He agreed and also gave me a script for an adjuvant med to try if i found i was getting more depressed. But, i can't take it. It's not recommended if you're pregnant or trying to become pregnant.
For the first couple of weeks after the reduction i was doing okay, more than that i felt emotionally and mentally stable for the first time in a long time. Then i hit the edge of the cliff and for the past six weeks or so i have been more and more depressed. i have begged Sir to let me die more days than not i think and have gone for weeks without having a day that i didn't cry. We have added zinc and magnesium to the concoction of 'happy' pills that i take on a daily basis; omegas, vitamin D, iron and Wellbutrin.
Are they helping? i haven't seen a big change but maybe the frequency of crying has decreased slightly in the last 10 days or so. i don't know how long it would take before either of them are helping. And, yes, i know i should have probably only started one at a time to see which one (if it is only one) that is working but with the way i have been feeling i didn't have the time to do med trials properly, i just need results. Maybe once i have things stabilized again i will remove one and see if there are any changes.

Last night i asked Sir about seeing if some of the T.V. shows that we can't get might be available on iTunes, for example Orange is the New Black. i've heard a lot of talk about this show but i've never seen it. And we can't change our cable because it is provided through our landlord. At one point in the discussion Sir got all excited about seeing all the ladies in their inmate uniforms, and i responded that yes that would be nice but i was interested in seeing the guards. i pointed out how stereotypical of us it is to pick the side we did and we had a good laugh over it.

Last weekend was our monthly MAsT discussion on service. It was supposed to be presented by Master and myself as well as two of the other organizers but one was sick so a friend stepped in at the last moment to help us out. The discussion went well, there was some great conversations. The research and private discussions that Master and i had prior to the group discussion really have made me think about the service i provide Master in our dynamic. We have been reading Real Service by Raven and Joshua which has made me think a lot about the whys and hows of my service. One thing that i've been contemplating is why i enjoy service. In Real Service, it is mentioned that people are drawn to service either for the service itself but more often for the control.  i believe that i enjoy being of service because of both but being under Master's control is usually what attracts me. I do also very much enjoy serving just to see Her happy; i think for most people it's not one or the other which is what i felt they were saying in the book.

We've talked briefly about the level of protocol, rules, etc that Master is expecting for Power eXchange Summit. There will be many more conversations about PXS, especially if we drive. i'm getting so excited and nervous about the whole idea!

Are We There Already?!?

I have been looking back at some of the old blog posts and amazed at where we've come. Obviously things will change, that’s the nature of life, I know that. I am caught up by how much they have changed. Things that we were struggling with and fantasizing about 4 years ago when we first started are second nature now. Things that i said that i’d never be interested in doing/trying are forefront in our Power Exchange and/or play. Who would have thought!

It was almost 4 years ago exactly when Lee and I first started to explore kink. I confirmed this on Friday evening when we looked back into the history of this blog to reminder ourselves about dates and timelines for things in our relationship. You see, we are hosting next month's MAsT discussion. Looking back at some of things I said in those early posts made me almost laugh. Like when i said that i don’t consider myself submissive sexually because Lee and I talk about our sex and play so that we both get what we want. Where should we start with what’s wrong about that?! ? Or that I have no interest in sexual age play- writing that just now made me literally laugh out loud! Towards the beginning i used writing prompts to help drum up topics for me to write about (I know, what a concept!) I've been mulling over the idea of going over some of my old answers  and writing a new post with my new answers, see what has changed and, if i can track it, the evolution of how we got from one point to the other.

That wasn't the point of this blog post though. The point of this post is to express my nervousness at the idea of giving a presentation. I realize that it is a small group and probably most of them in the room will be people we know but i don’t know if i feel qualified to give others suggestions for their PE, M/s, D/s, etc. Sometimes i feel like we are still actors playing roles, or even more accurately, stand-in actors playing somebody else’s role. Yes, we live our M/s 24/7 but is that enough to be, in a way giving others advice for their relationship(s).

Although we have been doing this for 4 years, it has only been within the last 5 months or so that things have been going consistently well for us. For a good portion (about a third) of that 4 years there was very little M/s in our relationship. How much time and experience does one need before they are “qualified”?-I don’t know that that can be answered. Ok yes, our MAsT meetings are not big events and hosting a discussion isn't like giving a presentation at a conference (or anything even close it for that matter) but there has to be some level of accountability and responsibility to our MAsT Winnipeg membership and meeting attendees that what we are saying is legit. Do we have enough experience and knowledge to do that? I guess we do otherwise the MAsT leaders wouldn't have agreed to have us do it. (We weren't the ones to say we wanted to do this topic, it was kind of thrust upon us when our presenters had to back out.) The topic is something we have some experience with- keeping up the Power Exchange while undergoing life changes. And luckily we have about 5 weeks to organize our thoughts. We got an outline going on Friday with the key points that highlight the changes in our relationship and how they helped/hindered us. There is much work left to be done but i don’t think it will be too hard.

Actually standing up in front a room of people and talking will be challenging. Lee is not much of a talker especially in groups and i don’t want to have to do most of the talking cause as much as this might come as a shock to those who know me i don’t particularly enjoy public speaking.

We get to do this again in November when we host the discussion that we had originally agreed to do as our first presentation (Discrete D/s). Wish us luck!

A Few Good Changes

So, change is afoot. The right or left, I'm not sure, but it's coming for us and I am excited and a little apprehensive at the same time. No, unfortunately this change isn't anything to do with a baby just yet, but will effect our M/s I think fairly significantly. Two friends that we have made through our local MAsT group are sadly leaving us. If I could tie them down and make them stay I would, but I definitely can't blame them for taking the opportunity to jump at something they have been mulling over for quite sometime. I ended up spending eight years living in Victoria because I jumped when the chance arose and I am forever thankful that I did. Not only did I get to make Victoria my home but I met the woman of my dreams there that I get to spend the rest of my life with! Change is scary, but amazing . Best of luck to you both, you'll be sorely missed.

Now this change means more than friends saying goodbye. They were executive members of our MAsT group and their shoes need filling. elle and I have been asked to join the committee and happily we agreed. It took us a year a half to really meet like-minded folk here that are living M/s. I don’t want to go without that connection again. Joining MAsT has helped us make incredible strides in our relationship and we have created and continue to build upon the strong foundation that we were struggling with for so long. Being around others in the lifestyle has really helped keep this much more of a focus for us.

So we are joining the committee and shortly will figure out what that will involve and where we can throw our heads together to continue to grow this group. The side of this that makes me apprehensive is...I may have to talk more! Unfortunately, I'm being serious. I wouldn't say that I'm shy, I'm just quiet. I have opinions but tend to keep them to myself, most of the time. The same with ideas. Small talk, forget it. I may have to work on not just keeping it all to myself with this though, if I want to be an actual useful person to have in the group, which is preferable. elle sees something in me that has led her to start calling me Master now and then, so I must have something worth offering to the group at large.

I do feel like we have been through enough trials and tribulations in setting the ground work for a lasting M/s life together that we do bring a good deal of knowledge to the table. I know of lot a ways to fail at this relationship but we are still going strong, so that must mean I have also figured out a thing or two that keeps it going. Being active members on the committee, I hope will make this lifestyle an even larger part of our daily lives. Not only will we be going to monthly meetings but we will be planning meetings and reaching out to members of the community, researching and broadening our knowledge and hopefully our friendships as well. Yeah, I'll probably have to talk more but the upside of it all makes it seems like a pretty insignificant worry.

On a different note, but something mentioned above, elle has started calling me Master. Not all the time, but here and there and I must say, it's thrilling to hear. I haven't reached the point where I fully accept that title as something that I feel comfortable calling myself, but to know that she obviously feels I have reached that point, that I have earned my Master stripes in the eyes of my slave, now that is heart thumping and mind tingling. It took us...er, me, so long to figure my shit out, I thought I would never make it as a Dom and now I am hearing Master!

I finally feel after all these years, that I may been growing and able to confidently say I own a slave without it feeling like just  a bunch of letters thrown together void any real truth behind it. I own a slave! I own a slave! I'm still pretty awful with this at times when I let the focus slip because something else is getting in the way, but now it takes only a short time to get back on track rather than before when we would have to start trying to build a new track from scratch each time. Now we just pull a couple weeds and the track is clear again.