What It Feels Like to Fall - My Top Drop

elle has asked me to write about Top drop for her submissive's group, so I figured I would try to get my thoughts out here since I had some this week.

We had a great weekend and ended up having an amazing, intense, unplanned scene with Kahwaii. Our first time playing with her and it was like we'd been doing so for ages. It was kind of weird how in tune we were with our energy, rhythm, highs and lows opposite to keep the intensity up and that we could communicate without a word spoken. We pushed each other to give more and in turn pushed elle to take more. elle came out of it with bruises nearly everywhere and a lot more floaty than I've managed to get her in sometime.

I came out of it pretty high myself. Then I crashed. Sunday afternoon we didn't really have time to process because we were busy seeing family - bowling for our nephew's birthday and dinner with grandparents in the middle of which a huge ball of anxiety filled my belly. Sitting at the dinner table, half way through eating, and my stomach was suddenly in my throat, heart pounding, body shaking (luckily only noticeable to me). I've been getting this feeling a lot lately though, so it's definitely not all drop.

Usually my drop revolves more around feeling guilty for beating on my wife...it's my wife, not slave, that is covered in bruises while I am feeling guilty. I start to worry that I went too far, or let it go too far with someone else. Did I miss a look, a sound, a twitch that meant she was done but I kept going? Did her cries of no more, actually mean no more this time even though no doesn't mean no? Did I let my high interfere with keeping her safe? Did I harm rather than hurt her? And on and on and on. My brain can't just see the bruises, see the smile and accept that it's all good. Not for a day or two at least.

Maybe that's why I like the fight back. If I end up hurting in someway then I'm reminded that it was consensual. I can move my arm and feel the ache of bruises and be brought out of my head enough to at least briefly see the smile and remember the glazed, floaty look she had. I can poke the bruises, hear the sharp intake of breath (good they still hurt) and be asked 'what was that for?' I almost always answer 'love' and it reminds me that it really was for love.

I don't get drop every time or even most times. It really depends on what was done to her, what marks she has after, how intense it was and where my head already is in it's cycle of self doubt and insecurity. Like I said, I am having a lot of anxiety lately (or at least what I am calling anxiety because I don't have a better word), so this week drop is combined with that to become overwhelming and nauseating. Monday I could barely get through work with the sick feeling of my stomach in my throat, really bad internal shakes, heart pounding like it was going to bust through my chest and an inability to eat until dinner.

Tuesday was when all the stuff in my head started to make noise. Guilt, doubt, insecurity, 'proof' of all that I was telling myself. It got to the point where I was nearly making myself cry at my desk and I felt like I could barely breathe. It was really hard getting out of my head, even when Kahwaii was here. I just kept falling back in.

When I am dropping, I need to be reassured that everything was enjoyed, it didn't go too far, the pain is a wonderful reminder of a great time, and the marks are desired and loved. I need to be cuddled and snuggled, to be close and see that my touches aren't going to make her flinch and cower in just regular togetherness. I need to be checked in on/with and told, without asking, that she enjoyed it and is looking forward to more. Basically, I just need to be reassured that I'm not an awful person for hurting her and getting off on it.

Chocolate helps too!

After a few days, I come out of it and can see the beauty in the bruises, remember the sounds of enjoyment as it was happening, and hear the pleasure in her voice when I poke at the marks.

Not many people seem to admit they've experienced Top drop. Whether they really haven't or it's to keep up the tough Domly Dominess, I don't know. Maybe they just need to handle it on their own, in their own way. If that works for them, great. I already keep too much bottled up and away from most people that I know I need to lean on elle, for both our sakes. Working through drop together, mine and hers, keeps us connected and communicating during a time where it's really easy to get lost inside yourself and spiral down.

Fall From Grace Weekend Review

Master and i went to Fall From Grace this past weekend. For those who don't know, it's a local kinky camping event. We had such a great time. We had a bunch wonderful new experiences and Master learned a few new tricks and got a few new toys to add to Her goodie bag!

Friday evening was busy. i don't think i retained much from the demo on asphyxiation that evening. We arrived just as things were getting started so after the demo then we had to go set up camp for the weekend. Not much exciting for me to report, i'll let Lee tell you about what She did.

Saturday was a blast- we sat around like kids at camp and had crafts time, except that we made floggers instead of the stuff kids make! Then it was the water torture demo. i'm writing a separate post about that event so if you want to know more read it. The fireside chat that evening got rained out, which was too bad cause i was interested in hearing other people's perspectives on the topic, Love and SM. Hung out in the dungeon for a bit and watched a few scenes while it rained then went back to sit by the fire again after the rain stopped and with a big group of people on a whole variety of topics.

Sunday was great too. In the afternoon we watched a stapling demo and Lee got to try that out on the demo bottom (for sterility reasons the staplers can't be shared and thus not tried on anyone else). Again, i will let Master share Her own thoughts and feelings on the experience. i think it could be a fun way to do temporary chastity piercings.

Later that day a friend showed Master how to do some basic needle play. i've been curious about needle play for years. About four years ago at a fetish night at the local gay bar where we were living i had 4 needles put in my chest at a demo station. While the needles felt good it was very clinical feeling. Ever since then i have wanted Master to try so it was great for Her to finally have a chance to learn. She did a button of three on one side of my chest while our friend did the same on the other side as well as one on my sternum. He tried to do one through my breast just under my nipple but that was hurting a bit too much so that didn't happen this time. Then he walked Lee through doing some on my labia, which She did two there. i'm surprised how relaxed and comfortable i felt. Lee played with me a bit after the needles were in and it was a delicious feeling and from what i could tell it looked like Master enjoyed Herself as well. We kept half the box of needles so that's a good sign that they will be added to the play repertoire. Yay for me!!

Monday was the wrap up- the organizers of the event sat down with those people who were still around to ask their opinions of the weekend-what worked, what didn't etc. i think that was a great idea and i'm sure helps ensure that people have a good time and come back. i also engaged in some non consensual play with one of the tent pegs from our friends' tent. i caught it between my second and third toes on the right foot and ended up with a bruise on my foot and a cut between my toes. It was not pleasant but luckily it was at the end of the weekend rather than the beginning.

Master and i had two rough body play scenes over the weekend, both in the middle of the field where some of the tents were set up. The first one was on Saturday early in the night while most of the other campers were at a bastinado demo. After dinner we went for a walk to the creek that was close to us but it started to storm and the lightening was getting closer so we headed back. i'm not sure exactly what happened but just as we're getting close to the tent Master starts beating on me. She used her fists, feet, knees, and any other part of Her body that She could. The rain was spitting a bit and the cold water felt both wonderful and torturous at the same time. It also made the grass slippery so i ended up on the ground quite a bit. i don't know how long it went on for (20ish minutes?) but seemed to have ended as organically as it started.

The second one was before the needles on Sunday afternoon. Again, not too sure exactly how this one happened but i kinda think i might have egged Her on a bit. That time She went and grabbed Her toy bag and also used Thumper (it's a rope ball at the one end and the rope loops at the other-i assume for it's for throwing? It feels like a fist when Master hits me with it that's all that matters!!), The Mother Fucker (a short thick heavy rubber impact implement that is both thuddy and stingy at the same time and hurts like... a mother fucker) and a thick cane that we got at FFG from NoirLuna. Between the two scenes i ended up with some delightful bruises, mostly on my one arm but there are a few on my other arm, my shoulders, ass and thighs. A picture of the bruise on my right arm is on my fetlife profile.

i'm sure i'm forgetting stuff and maybe when Lee gets around to writing Her version of events She will fill in blanks for me. All in all we had a fantastic time and are already looking forward to next year.

Play - My Want, her Need

When we started out in this kinky world, we were bedroom players. We had some fun switching roles and even went so far as to have...or attempt to have, a few interrogation scenes. It was one of those scenes that went so hilariously wrong followed by a sexual scene that resulted in a frantically snapped leg binding that lead us to the defined roles of Dom and sub in the bedroom.  It wasn't long after, day-to-day life started being infiltrated by our "kink" and soon we were living the lifestyle.

We moved into living this 24/7 with rules, protocols, the whole shebang. We have ridden a rollercoaster of highs and lows in our dynamic and throughout, play has always been one of the greatest aspects and most compatibility clashing aspects for us. Like sex for me, I don’t have a high drive that reminds me, or pushes me, or make me yearn for play on a regular basic.

I want play in our life whereas elle needs it. I want the physical connection I feel to her when my boot makes contact with her ass, my fist pummels her arm. I want the sounds of the slap as my hand strikes her and the heat in my fingers when I do it again harder. I want the gasp of her breath when the pain I am delivering winds her and the glazed look in her eyes when I gently punch her cheek. I want the high I feel when I have warmed her up enough to take it harder and she begs for more as she is cringing in pain. I want the emotional connection we feel strengthened afterwards.

I get totally high and giddy from kicking, punching, making my slave hurt and squirm. Hearing her gasp in pain or shock is thrilling. During play I am usually very happy to be doing what I am doing. When a scene is going well, my confidence is through the roof and I feed off elle's responses. Knowing that what I am doing to her is feeding her need for this connection and pain circles back into me and keeps me dishing out more.

When the scene ends, I am still thrumming when it is time for aftercare. Making sure my girl is bundled up, has some juice, a little bit of chocolate, reassuring words when needed and lots of love is my aftercare too. I need the closeness once we are done to ensure she is okay and I didn't go too far, didn't push too much. When I know it went well for us, I am excited and I admit, relieved. I stress myself out a lot when it comes to play, which definitely doesn’t help anything and I think is part of the reason this hasn't become a need for me.

As much as I love play when we are in it, it is sort of a catch 22 for me. In order for me to really get into play and leave behind the stress that is connected to it, I need to be receiving from my slave the responses that build me up and for her to be giving me those responses, I need to be built up so I can really lay into her in a way that she needs.

I'm not great when it comes to running a scene without any planning or discussion between us and elle feels like she is telling me what to do if she says too much about what she is needing and/or wanting. This has led to failed scenes that cause high emotion and frustration and low confidence in moving forward for the next time. I get to the point where I am more focussed on 'this has to go right this time!' pressure, pressure, pressure rather than 'this is going to be great, I'm going to beat her ass.' I don’t like that I can't just get excited and look forward to play because I am too worried about what if it doesn’t go well this time. We have come up with a new way to communicate to help with all this and the one time that we have done it so far worked really well, so I am hopeful.

However, I stick with saying this is a want and not a need for me. I get a lot from it during and take a lot away from it after, when it has gone well. If not for the stress, perhaps I would see all the positive from it as a need but for now it remains a want. Though in our relationship it is a need, because it is a need for elle and we know what it is like to go without. For her it is as much a necessity as air.   

No turning back now!

It still baffles me, how we have spent so long trying to get this lifestyle in order and running smoothly with only little successes here and there and big derailments along the way, then suddenly a month ago, it all just clicks, the pieces fall into place and it's as if we have always been like this.  elle has wholeheartedly thrown herself into her submission and everyday improves upon her obedience. She is attentive, relaxed, and eager to do as she is told . She is like a flower that has finally  been planted in fertile soil and each time she serves me she grows and sprouts new buds. She is blossoming the more she sits in submission at my feet. A very big confirmation of this came for me Friday night after one hell of a scene.

We had decided earlier in the week that we were going to have a rough scene Friday evening since there is a chance that within days she could be pregnant and some of our most loved activities will have to be put on hold for quite sometime. Kicking and punching my pregnant wife is definitely not going to happen. So come Friday we talked about what we wanted from the scene and elle did some dinner prep, since after play the last thing that either of us feels like doing is cooking. I rearranged the living room to give us plenty of space, since this scene was going to be intense  and then we got to it.

This scene was built around the idea of her being taken and brought to me, needing to be broken and trained into slavehood so that I could sell her off to someone that would be her Master. She fought back, obviously, and through mental terrorism (convincing her of her utter vulnerability and isolation, playing the nice guy when she did what I ordered, forcing her to beg for more ) physical assault (kicking, hitting with various implements, ripping her clothes off, raping her mouth, caging) and positive reinforcement of slave behaviours (calling her good slave, graduating her from the slave corset into her slave outfit so she wasn’t naked anymore, and rewarding her earnest pleas for more with more) she finally broke. At the end I locked her back in the cage and told her when I came back for her she would be ready to accept her new life as a slave. End of scene.

It was only about two minutes that I left her in there, while I sat down close by to remove my boots. When she started to softly cry I opened the door for her, wanting her to come out so we could snuggle and I could give her some chocolate and love. Her head was definitely still in the scene and it took some time to get her to lay down with her head on her slave pillow, rather than kneel on it as she originally did. We cuddled and slowly she came around. This had all been over a three hour span.

Where I say that confirmation of her submission came was, following all of this it was 9:30 and the pre-play snack we had was long used up. Dinner was prepped but needed cooking and I was not at all keen to do so. When food was mentioned my head was saying "Toast? Ya I could manage to make us some toast" when she said, once she was up she could manage to cook and then off she went and cooked up a delicious meal, while I sat in the living room doing a few things on my phone. I was thrilled. Usually after play she is either very sleepy and out of it(not that I blame her, she takes a lot from me!) that I get food, hence the toast, or she turns bratty as if she is rebelling against having just submitted. Just getting up to make dinner without a word of protest, or even having  me say to do it, showed just how far she has come, how deep she has gotten into her slave mindset.

We talked later, or maybe it was before, and elle said that she feels like she has just been floating on a cloud for the past month. I would have to agree. Not just for her but for myself as well. I feel like I have finally grabbed a hold of what dominance means to me. Not what I have read of others and tried to measure myself against, but of what I can envision this life looking like for us in the long run and where my niceness can live in unison with my dominance. I don’t have to be a cold, hard ass domme to make this work but I'm not just a passive domme either. I could definitely get used to this!

I must say that was probably the best scene that we have had. Maybe at some point I will actually write out all that took place, it would make a pretty hot story for you I'm sure, but for now you will just have live with the morsel I put in this post. Gotta keep you coming back for more!

Our newest rules have now been posted.

Moving Plans

There is only six weeks until we move.

We are doing well for savings. The more the better though, right?
Our flights are booked.
We only need to get one more kennel for the cats.
We are going to keep our sleeping bags unpacked and just sleep here on the floor the last night rather than going to a hotel as we had first planned so that will save us a bit of money.
It looks like i  should be getting my new licence any day now so then i can start applying for jobs. i guess i need to work on my resume.
We are going to take all of the cats to the vet when Lee's mom is here for a visit in a few weeks so we don't have to take them on the bus.
We have started to look at places online and my mom has agreed to go look at a place if we find one we really think we might like. Lee really wants to find a house or a duplex with a basement.
i have packed a few boxes, just books, but i have started.

There are a few things we want to do/see here before we move so we need to make a plan of action for that.

The time is going to fly and i need to get more organized or soon things are really going  to pile upon me. i am also taking an online class right now so that needs my attention too.

Oh yeah, and there's that interrogation scene that we are planning. It's happening next week.

Getting Beaten

Yesterday afternoon Madam went to a couple of workshops about topping. Last night Lee played with me using some of the techniques She learned. Instead of using toys, She used Her body to give me pain.  The feelings that it evoked were amazing. It's almost indescribable. Such a juxtaposition of feelings. i felt safe  by the woman who was kicking me, loved by the woman punching me, cherished by the woman who was pulling my hair. She had ordered me to keep my eyes closed, which She praised me for doing so well, and that had a two-fold effect on me. The first being that i was very on edge about what was going to happen. The second thing was that i really noticed Her perfume on Her wrists when She had Her hands on my throat, my sense of smell was heightened a bit i guess.

Once She was done beating me, we laid on the floor for a while and it took me a while to process what we had done. After a bit i noticed the stirring in my loins, i was very turned on. While we were actively playing i was too wrapped up in the feelings of pain to notice but now that i had "come down" they were front and center. Madam started to kiss me and we ended up having hot sex right there on the floor where we had collapsed to after playing.

We moved into our bed as it was late and had a short post-play chat about how we each felt about the new techniques and such.  When i started to get sleepy Madam turned the lights off and i snuggled up behind my protector and drifted to sleep with a big smile on my face.

 It has been a while since we have had a "good scene" (that doesn't sound right but i can't think of how to word it differently). I think it had a very positive effect on me, today i feel more submissive than in the recent past. And that's definitely a good thing.