Adrift

i still feel adrift.

Last night Lee and i had another "mini discussion" about it. i say mini cause it was just before we went to bed so we didn't talk too long about it.

i hope that what we talked about will come to fruition, and stay. i think that's our biggest problem, we talk about things and do them for a short while but they, for what reason i'm not sure, don't seem to last. They don't become a habit. i don't understand why because they are things that we have both agreed on. i guess if they don't come from the heart of the enforcer then they won't last. They have to be things that Lee really cares about. i really hope that this time they will stick. i guess that means that i hope that they are things that Lee really cares about.

i'm such a worrier, a negative thinker. i am definitely not an optimist. Not that i don't want to be, i'd love to be an optimist actually. But i don't know how to change... i sure wish i could though. I hate thinking the worst of everything. Some days i feel like i come across as a "Chicken Little" type, thinking the sky is falling when i have only been hit on the head by an acorn.

So one thing that Lee asked me to do last night is come up with a list of things that i want Her to take more control of. So i thought that i'd do that here.

Food/beverage intake

Going to the gym

Ensuring that i wear Her collar (or ankle cuffs if my neck gets too irritated)

Making sure that chores are done

Saying please when asking for things

Serving Her (sexually, foot baths, etc.)

We have talked before that physical punishments don't necessarily work but there are times when i wish She would, on top of the "thinking punishment". Beat me hard, without any sort warm-up until i beg for mercy. i don't know why... maybe so i can feel the pain that i caused Her by not pleasing Her? so i can feel Her emotions? i'm not sure. But i know i want it.

Some days i think that i'm crazy because of the things that i want/fantasize about. i mean, who in their right mind wants their wife to beat them to tears for not doing the dishes/making dinner the way Madam wants it/wearing the wrong outfit? What sane person wants to be fisted so that their pussy hurts the next time it's fucked?

Some people may take offence to me saying that i wonder if those things make me crazy, that i'm implying that that therefore makes them crazy too. i'm not, so please don't. And i know what i'm not crazy. I just kinda wonder sometimes, ya know?

Well, that was enough randomness for today i think! :)

Moving

Every day brings us closer and closer to moving. i really don't feel prepared to do it though, financially or otherwise. i'm really concerned that we have bitten off more than we can chew at the moment.

We have started going through papers to get rid of any that we don't need (Lee has a lot of papers with writing ideas, drawings and such that she's trimming down, i have recipes mostly). We also want to go through our books, CDs and movies. i have started weeding out clothes that don't fit or that i just don't wear anymore.

The other night i looked into flying with our cats and we discovered that Air Canada has a black out period for live cargo during the time we were hoping to go so now we are thinking that we will have to ship them before we leave. i really don't want to do that, our kitties will be so scared to be in a new home with other animals (we're probably staying with my Mom and Stepdad) and not have their Mommies.

my Mom has a friend who owns a long distance moving company so i have asked her is she would find out if he could give us a deal (and what kind of price we're looking at). i know that when i moved out here my ex and i were looking at about $2000 for a moving company, which Lee and i cannot afford.

i have started the process to get my licence in Manitoba. It's costing a fortune! It's been about $350 all together to get the forms filled out by the different places, notarized copies of our marriage certificate and my birth certificate, passport photos, a criminal record check. Then i have to pay for my licence which i believe is another $450. i'd better get a job quickly to make this all worth it!

i am so worried about how our M/s is going to look when we are living with my family. We won't have any private time for playing, i won't be able to overtly serve Her, lay at Her feet or many of the things that we do now. i just hope a tiny fraction will survive long enough that we can recover it once we are back out on our own.

*~*~*~*

i confessed to Lee recently that i have been feeling somewhat lost lately. i feel like my submission has been waning, again. i just don't feel very submissive. Madam says that my behaviour has been much better than when She first made the Behaviour Modification Plan but i don't know why because it doesn't get used very much. i guess that's the biggest thing that She sees so therefore uses to judge my level of submission but to me there is so much more. Like my drive and want to serve, which is low.

i think there are a few things contributing.

The first being that i have had a terrible rash on my neck and couldn't wear my collar. i have just recently started wearing it again sporadically and hope to increase the amount that i am wearing it more and more. Hopefully that'll help with that aspect.

The next part is that with working as much as i have in the past month and a half we haven't had as much time together as we used to, therefore we aren't getting time to play or other activities that connect us. And when we do play either i and/or She feels tired and so play time is shorter, less intense or both than i would like (need) it to be.

Another big part is that Lee has been very stressed about work for reasons that i'm not going to get into. For that reason, i feel like her active domination has lessened and i feel guilty asking Her for more as i don't want to put added stress on Her.

And last but not least the stress of moving. As i mentioned earlier we are starting to go through stuff and that takes up valuable time but it is very necessary.

i fear that things are going to get worse before they get better as our time will be stretched even more as moving day gets closer and closer.

Well, with that being said i should be wrapping this up and hitting the boxes, i guess!

What i am Thankful For

Last weekend was Thanksgiving. At the time i was too busy with work and cooking to write but i thought that i'd take some time now to think about all that i'm thankful for.

First and foremost i'm thankful to have Lee. my wife, my Master and my best friend. She is the sun which my little world revolves around. Without Her i'd be a lost soul. She makes happier than i ever thought was possible. She has the best lips for kissing, the best ears for listening and the best arms for squeeze-hugs.

i am also thankful for:

• Good mental health. i have been "depression free" for over 2 1/2 years now, which, knock on wood, is longer than i have ever gone before. Even though there have been a few times that i have thought that i was starting to go down that road again for some reason i seem to be able to get out of it before it becomes unmanageable by myself (and with Lee's help).

• Having the career that i have wanted since i was a child. Even though i may not be doing the exact job that i want, i am on the path to finding my dream job. Having a career that makes me feel like i'm making a difference in peoples' lives is important to me, it helps me feel important and useful. (i guess one could say that as Lee's slave i have two careers that make a difference in peoples' lives!!) Next week i am starting to take a continuing education class so hopefully that'll help me land a "better" job once we've moved. i'm very excited to start that class.

• Friends and family. From them i have received support and love that has been important to my survival, both presently and in the past.

• Living in a country that allows same sex couples to get married

• Sexy shoes!! Oh, and boots LOL i love shoes :)

• The ability to express my submission/servitude/slavery...whatever you want to call it. That part of me that repressed for many, many years and i am so grateful that i can let it out and have it acknowledged positively. The absolute joy and fulfillment that i receive from knowing that i've done something to make Madam happy or that makes Her life better is inexplicable.

i'm sure that i've missed something but i need to wrap up cause i'm going out with some of the women i went to school with tonight and i need to get some chores done before i leave so if i think of anything else i'll add it later!

Embarrassed

Have you ever been embarrassed by any of your kinks, ashamed even? i am. i can't even bring myself to say what it is at the moment, that's how embarrassed i am. Maybe one day i will tell you. Who am i kidding, i'm sure that i will once i can accept it more.

Part of my problem is that it is something that i have been very clear in the past that i am not interested in. i don't know why i am interested in it now but for the past week or so i have been thinking about it. When i catch myself i try to stop myself, but that hasn't been proving very successful and it has been on my mind for at least a few minutes every day in one form or another.

i haven't figured out why all the sudden i am interested in something that i was so vehemently against in the recent past. i haven't been able to pinpoint a cause. There is nothing that i can say "oh yes, it was that that sparked these thoughts".

i confessed to Lee about this last night. She suggested that it isn't the actual activity that i'm drawn to but more the feeling that i would get from it. That's probably true, probably very true. She is always so good at reading me. Telling Lee and having Her not get squicked out by it did help to relieve my anxiety a huge amount. But it still doesn't make me feel like less of a hypocrite.

And yes, i know there have been other things that started out as a limit that we now (regularly) engage in, piss being one of them. i guess, to me, this is different. It is something that many people get hot from so it's not "unusual", i just can't seem to wrap my head around it for myself.

i told Lee that this isn't something that i want to jump into right away. But, our dynamic dictates that i am open with my thoughts and feelings, though, so i had to tell Her.

Sorry that i'm being vague but i'm not quiet ready to out my "new kink" yet. I imagine that it has made this post hard to follow.

Help?!?

i'm Back!

i'm not entirely sure what to write about today but for some reason I have the urge to write. Maybe cause it's been so long since i have and/or i finally have had enough time to catch up on *most * of the household stuff that i wouldn’t feel guilty for writing.

Well, in case you care to know what i have been doing these last few weeks i've been working more than usual. Anywhere between 3-5 (and a few weeks ago 6) days a week. Now i know to many of you that's probably the norm but not for me and because of it i have been tired and sore.

The other think that i have been doing is birthday shopping for Lee. Tuesday is a big birthday, a milestone, you could say, so i have been hunting for the perfect gift. This proved to be an almost impossible task. What kind of gift adequately represents my love and devotion to my wife/Master? I can't say what i ended up with right now cause then Lee would read it so you all will have to wait until after Tuesday yourselves to find out just like She does. But i think i did good...i hope!

*~*~*~*~*

Last Tuesday (or was it Wednesday? i think it was Wednesday... i can't remember!!) Madam decided that for the day i needed to ask permission to leave Her presence. Any time i wanted to do anything, even if it was something that She told me to do i had to ask. She's never required this of me before so when She told me about this i was worried that i'd forget, which i did a few times but overall i did pretty well with remembering.

Then on Thursday, She made me text Her to ask permission to go to the bathroom. The rule was that i had to wait 10 minutes for a reply and if She was busy and couldn't in that time then after the 10 minutes i was allowed to go. i remembered to text Her both times!

After She got home from work She we talked about how i felt about having to ask permission to go to the bathroom. i told Her that it is somewhat embarrassing to have to ask but that since i was fairly certain that She'd say yes that i wasn't really concerned. So She told me that next time maybe She won't say yes so quickly….next time?!? i'm not sure if this is leading up to always having to ask permission but if it is i'm not entirely sure that i like the idea. It's not the asking in and of itself that worries me but more that She will say no when i really need to go and then i will have to beg to go. i think that would be supremely humiliating.

And i also worry that this is going to lead to no bathroom privacy. i already pee with the door open and don’t care if Madam is in the bathroom when i'm doing so but the thought of having to go number 2 openly is not something that i even want to think about. i know many slaves have no bathroom privacy but i don't know if i'm okay with that.

i'm probably reading more into the two days of asking permission than i should be but i am a worrier (as i'm sure i've mentioned before).