Let's Cuck

Just a few quick thoughts since I have been very silent here for months!

My sleep deprivation/daytime exhaustion is pretty horrendous again. I am tired all the time and have absolutely no energy and very little interest in doing anything, unfortunately that rather gets in the way of play and sex and life. We have been making a bigger effort to stay focused on day-to-day activities and both of us being more accountable, but I know there are needs of elle's that I am not filling right now. It has gotten to the point where I am feeling a bit more willing to allow her to play with others in order to get what I'm not giving, at the same time though I'm not thrilled with the idea of her having to get her needs filled elsewhere. If it was just about having some fun, it might be a little easier. We haven't actually gone down that road yet, but if this continue as is it will have to become more seriously considered.

We are both leaning more and more towards the idea of cucking. Since coming back from PXS in May and the cucking class they had, we have become much more interested in the idea and more of our sex has involved such fantasy scenarios. How we move from fantasy to reality though, I have no clue. I see the conversation going something like this...

Me: I've been creeping you from that dark corner all night. How about you come back to my place, I tie you up and we have some fun...
Her: Sure that sounds like a great time! (obviously she's had a drink or two, I just told her I've been creeping on her from a dark fucking corner)
Me: Really!? I mean, that's right, it will be a great time. Once I have you helpless, I'll throw you across the bed, wrap my hand around your throat and fuck you to next Monday.
Her: Wow, you're so hot just take me right here. (hmm pliable, drunk girl that wants to do it in the middle of Walmart during a power outage, awesome)
Me: Oh, one thing though, my slave will be locked in her cage in the corner watching everything we do, we will be humiliating and degrading her throughout and if she's been really good, I might let her out to clean up the 'mess.' Sound cool?

So, yeah, I figure I can't fail with how smooth and suave I am with the ladies!

Ok, back to reality.

There's a lot more in my head to write about, but I have come to the end of my available concentration. I'll hopefully be back a lot sooner next time to say more.

Am i Leather?

This is a question that has been swirling around in my head for some time now. But how does one “figure out” if they are Leather? Read books, listen to other people talk about why they identify as Leather and look inwards are the main suggestions i’ve always heard.

To be honest, i have not read any books specifically about the Leather lifestyle/culture but i have read quite a bit online on Fetlife and other websites such as Leatherati.com as well as personal blogs. i did read a book that was the journal of a Leather Woman early in my kink exploration days. At the time though, Leather wasn’t even on the radar so maybe i should re-read it.

i don’t know a lot of people who identify as Leather that i can talk to about why they have chosen to identify as Leather. i have listened to a number of podcasts about Leather identity, culture, etc. which has been only marginally helpful at best. The reading that i’ve done i think is a bit of a substitute for the face to face that i’m missing but i would love to have more of it. Talking about Leather, the small amount that i have done, has been enjoyable and enlightening.

A lot of the big ideas in Leather, honor, respect, service, obedience, community, living truthfully/authentically and striving for growth are all things that Lee and i have been including in the contract that we have been writing. Looking inwards, i truly enjoy the structure and protocol associated with Leather. This is how i live my life and the basis of my relationship with Lee rather than just some simple kinky sexy fun times. We practice what we preach and live our M/s authentically. When we give a talk for MAsT, it is our true selves we are sharing with our community. That is another quality that i love about Leather lifestyle- the community idea- having a family of Leather kin that you could turn to for help with nearly anything, kinky or vanilla. Service is a big part of Leather, which i also agree with. Both Lee and i agree that giving back to the community is important both for the greater good and for our relationship.

This past weekend we were fortunate enough to host friends of ours who are also an M/s couple and identify as Leather. They are so similar to Lee and i it is almost scary. Having them here gave me a small glimpse of what i imagine having a family could be like. It felt good to be able to express our M/s openly and freely and know that they not only accepted it but embrace it and in a way encourage it. Kind of like when company’s around, you’re on your best behavior. Not that we were faking, just operating at a slightly higher level of protocol for some things than we typically do when we are at home i guess is what i mean.

i think what i waiting for is a lightbulb moment. i’m waiting for something to happen that will definitively tell me that yes i am Leather or no i’m not. Not sure what that would be.  

i’m sure there will be more thoughts on the subject but that is all for now!

A few thoughts on TPE that are swirling around in my head

TPE, total power exchange, is the foundation of my relationship with Lee. Master and slave are our chosen positions within our relationship. Lee is always in charge no matter what the situation. She has final say in all aspects of our relationship. This includes our “vanilla” life stuff too. We planned it that way because i am impulsive; i tend to act or speak first then think after, especially when i’m tired, stressed/under pressure or mentally unwell. It works for us.

i like our relationship like this. i love the structure that having rules gives. i love the feeling of caring that i get from Master when She pushes me on things. i know that my Master can make decisions for me/us and i am safe, unlike if i were calling the shots. When i call the shots, i do things like eat too much, yell at strangers and hurt myself. i feel a sense of comfort knowing that Lee is in charge. Her decisions may not always be 100% right but they are at least as good as or better than whatever i would have done.

Lee and i have been talking about the concept of putting aside your roles to work out a problem. We both agree that the idea is not for us. When we have a big problem that needs to be worked out we do not step out of our M/s roles and become egalitarian. Why would we do that, when i/we’d have to face the consequences once we are “back in our roles?” We live our M/s 24/7 and i consider stepping out of our dynamic to go against the idea of that, just in the simple fact that it then means you’re not 24/7; you’re 24/7 minus the time outs. i can respectfully tell Lee that something is wrong any time i need to, so long as i’m respectful and it’s not an inappropriate time.