Bits From my Brain

This is a ramble of thoughts. i am just writing thoughts out as they come so hopefully it will make at least some sense.

-i miss Kahwaii so badly it hurts all over my body. i have cried what feels like an ocean of tears. But i don't think i've had a chance to fully grieve my loss because i feel like i have to watch over Master as She isn't taking the breakup very well. i've had to remind Her that She needs to eat and to keep putting one foot in front of another. The day after Kahwaii broke up with Master and i i was very hurt. We were supposed to go to the wedding of some friends but we ended up cancelling and just hanging out the two of us. We went and saw a cute movie and went out for dinner.

-i keep trying to tell myself that nothing is permanent and that some people aren't meant to be in your life story forever but i don't feel like the story that Master and i were writing with Kahwaii was over yet. There were so many things left to experience with her. But maybe she was meant to be in our lives for a short period of time to teach us how to poly better so that if/when the next opportunity comes up i/we will be better prepared for it. i don't want that, right now i just want her back.

-i feel guilty for Master loosing Kahwaii. If it weren't for my problems, the two of them could be together. i have even gone so far as to suggest that the two of them carry on without me, which they both declined. i know i have a lot of baggage with my borderline personality disorder and have been trying to work on getting my emotions under control.

-i want so badly to hate Kahwaii. It would make this easier. i could say good riddance and move on. But i can't. She means so much to me and i can't just turn those feeling off as i have discovered.

-Master and i have been talking nonstop. There are things that we have agreed that need to be worked on, longstanding problems that we have been brushing aside lately. Things that if you went back years in the blog you'd probably find being mentioned there like my obedience and Her consistency and our differing needs for sex and play.

-Last night, for the first time in a long time Master and i danced in our kitchen without music, something we used to do regularly. As we slowly turned and twirled in silence i could feel us reconnecting. It was a beautiful moment and one that i will remember for a while. We need more of these moments.

-Master told me last night how She is proud of me for staying calm and level headed (i think those were the words She used) through all of this, especially since i have been off my meds for about a week and a half now. i think this goes back to what i said earlier about having to take care of Her and trying to remember the impermanence stuff. i am proud of myself for not shutting down and resorting to cutting to manage my sadness or getting angry and raging (both of which have crossed my mind). i am trying to stay emotionally stable and keep busy so that i can let time and distance heal my wounds. As a nurse i know that a deep wound must heal from the bottom up, it can't just close over or it will abscess. Healing from an emotional wound is similar, if i try to just seal it over then i could create bigger problems for down the road. i am learning the hard way from being with Kahwaii that i need to deal with my shit as it happens so i can fully devote myself to my present relationship rather than it rearing it's ugly head at a later date.

-i want to turn to our Leather family but i know they have a lot of their own shit to deal with right now and don't want to burden them with more problems. Who does one talk to then? i told my mom and she didn't seem to care all that much. We have a bunch of acquaintances but not a lot of close friends that i would talk to about this shit. We can only afford for me to see my psychologist once a month.

-Last night one of Kahwaii's other subs came to pick up Kahwaii's vape that she left here the day she came over to break up with us. i gave her a can of diet squirt (long story) to give to her in hopes that Kahwaii will realize that we are still thinking about her and miss her terribly.

-Kahwaii was our first and because of that there will always be a special place in my heart for her.

It Hurts to Breathe

The last few months have seen us heading into a tail spin within our marriage. We have fought almost continually over everything and nothing. My anxiety has taken up permanent residence it seems and likes to make its presence known day in and day out. There has been a lot of stress and unfortunately we allowed it to effect and pile up on Kahwaii's shoulders. She took on the blame and guilt of our issues when it is not hers to have.

Before we started dating her, she saw our relationship from the outside and what she saw was a great connection, lots of love and happiness (all true). We tried to keep our issues to ourselves as they don't need public airing. Unfortunately, this gave her the impression that the problems she was suddenly seeing were new and only started due to her presence rather than understanding that we let her see us in the raw and the raw isn't always pretty. Our 'perfect marriage' wasn't quite so perfect, however, our foundation is strong. We've let a lot pile up on it though, allowing our problems to weigh us down and feel unstable. We forgot how well we work as a team. We forgot to communicate when issues were just starting.

We have spent the past three weeks basically talking from the time I get home from work until it's time to sleep. We are talking about everything - good, bad and ugly. We are taking an honest look at ourselves, each other and our relationship. Some of it is hard to say, some hard to admit. Who wants to admit that they have made some fundamental mistakes. Which I have made.

I have been trying to keep elle in a good place throughout our relationship because I've wanted to avoid conflict and protect her. I've wanted to ease her internal struggles and her fear of abandonment. I've wanted to keep our life at peace whenever possible. I've done it in the wrong way. I've done it at the sacrifice of myself at times. I've done it and harmed her in the process. This created an environment that harmed Kahwaii as well.

Having BPD leads elle to have swinging emotions and to see the world in black and white. Rage can come on quickly and out of the blue. Instead of facing this head on most of the time, my actions or inactions gave her BPD an environment in which to grow. In essence, by avoiding conflict I only created more. I thought I was protecting elle when in reality I was harming her/us by not giving her the chance to learn to control and cope with the symptoms of BPD. I have claimed to be Master but I have not mastered my urge to 'save' her at all costs.

Kahwaii thinks she is responsible for our conflict; in part she is, but not in the negative way she thinks. Until she entered the picture and I started seeing the effect everything was having on her, I was mostly blind to the effect everything was having on elle and I. Suddenly someone else that I love and also want to protect at all costs, was being harmed by the way I have tried to protect elle. That was a really big mind fuck. It caused elle and I to fight more because I started to panic. I started to see where our life was headed; I started to admit to myself how I have been feeling; I wanted to change everything NOW.

It took a number of months of this, far too many, to get to the point where I was about to implode. I love them both, I want them both, they both add so much to my life, but I felt I was losing both of them and wasn't keeping my head above water anymore. So, just over three weeks back, the three of us got together for a discussion and I said that I wanted to take a short break from actively seeing Kahwaii so elle and I could take some time to focus on our issues, dig into them and get an idea of what we could do to fix things. Believe me, in no way did I actually want this break. Three weeks without seeing or talking to Kahwaii was not going to be easy.

elle and I started talking and talking and talking. We are never going to be perfect and we will continue to fight (hopefully a lot less) but much has been said and agreed upon, changes discussed and it seems we are taking more steps forward than steps back. Things around here feel more positive. After two weeks without Kahwaii we saw her at the bar, spent some time together, and I made a decision that hurt elle and put us back a step. It took a few days but we recovered, talked more and were exited for the third week to end so we could get back to seeing Kahwaii.

Sadly, Kahwaii came to the conclusion that she was doing us harm and could not stay with us only to break us apart. Her feelings are valid because that is truly how she feels, but she is mistaken in thinking she is the cause of our problems. In truth, she has helped our marriage tremendously, she has done amazing things for my confidence and self worth, and she has filled needs for elle that I was doing poorly with.

I have a connection with Kahwaii that I can't explain. elle says that we have intense energy between us and when we are together the rest of the world disappears; I would have to agree to some extent. The scary part of that is when elle has seen this, is when Kahwaii and I have pulled back from each other to try to minimize this effect. I don't want to lose that with her.

I want her to understand she was NEVER the problem and see that when you shake elle and I to the core, our foundation is standing strong. I want her to see that she has opened our eyes and pushed us to face our problems head on because of how they have started affecting those around us. I want her to recognize all the wonderful things she brought to both elle and I and focus on that rather than the negative. I want her to know that we have not stopped missing her, thinking about her or wanting her back. elle and I have work to do and always will, but things are changing. I intend to keep it that way.
Will I have a chance to feel that energy with Kahwaii again? I certainly hope so. I don't feel like our story is over yet. I love both of them with all my heart.

"Maybe it won't work out. But maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever."

Obedience

“Obedience is a form of social influence where an individual acts in response to a direct order from another individual, who is usually an authority figure. It is assumed that without such an order the person would not have acted in this way. Obedience occurs when you are told to do something (authority), whereas conformity happens through social pressure (the norms of the majority). Obedience involves a hierarchy of power / status. Therefore, the person giving the order has a higher status than the person receiving the order.” (copied from simplypsychology.org/obedience.html)

Obedience in a M/s context means that the slave is consciously choosing to submit his/her mind and body to the will of their Master, their rules, rituals and protocols. For most slaves this is a learned behavior that must be practiced and slowly expanded upon. For me it most certainly has been learned. It’s something that i have been working on it since we started down this path over six years ago. i have been, up till now, very strong willed and can be disobedient at times if I'm not in the right headspace. Obedience has to become a state of being almost, a complete acquiescence to the slave’s chosen authority figure, in my case, to Master. It is usually a foundational ingredient in most M/s relationships, whether casual or 24/7 or anywhere in between. It’s one of those relationship make it or break it kind of tenants in my relationship with Master. Declaring my obedience to Her is part of the mantra that i say.

For a Power Exchange to work smoothly the slave must be obedient. This way the Master knows what kind of reaction to expect. It can make the difference between a successful and unsuccessful M/s relationship. In a TPE the Master should be able to expect that what He/She says will be followed with a minimum of questioning.

No slave can be 100% obedient all the time. i struggle with my obedience at times. It can be very challenging mentally to obey sometimes, especially when i strongly disagree.

At the core of obedience is respect and humility. Respect for your Master and your dynamic. Respect for the trust that you have placed in your Master. And humility in that you need to remember your place in your relationship as slave.

How do you demonstrate your obedience, beyond just following their rules?

-Pay close attention to your Master, especially when around others. Stop what you are doing and look at them while they are speaking. Making eye contact is also a good way to show you are paying attention. This makes them feel special, respected, appreciated, honoured, and proud of their slave.

-Don’t roll your eyes or back talk when they ask you to do something. This is just passive aggressive behavior and will generally not get you the desired outcome. If you have them, present your opposing viewpoint (if you’re allowed to do so) politely and in keeping with your dynamic. Being obedient doesn’t mean that you will always agree with your Master but it does mean that you may not have the final decision. Also remember to try to pick a good time and place for you to share your disagreement.

-Be polite all the time. Ask for their permission for things and use your please and thank you’s.

-Do things the first time you are asked, the way you were asked. Don’t make your Master have to ask you a second time and do exactly what they have asked of you and nothing less. Delaying something that your Master has asked of you is like saying that whatever you are doing is more important than what they asked you to do. It is frustrating and annoying to your Master and makes them feel unimportant and possibly taken for granted i once heard a saying that goes something like delayed obedience becomes immediate disobedience; partial obedience is complete disobedience.

-Do things that they haven’t asked that you know they like. i like to ask Master if She needs anything when i am up so i can get/do something for Her.

-If you disagree with your Master, consider the reasons that they have told you to do something/denied you something/etc. before getting upset.

Now for my personal experience. Part of the reason that i chose to “research” this topic was because Master and i have agreed that we need to be working on our relationship more actively and this was one of the areas that we thought i needed to work on to improve our M/s. i’d say that my biggest challenge is not so much with not responding immediately to orders, but with begrudging Master for making me do something that i’m not wanting to do at the moment. This comes out in poor attitude and slower service. Some Masters say that they don’t care about whether the slave is enjoying the ordered task as long as they do it but i think that to put your whole heart into it means that you are happily providing the requested service. i believe that part of my problem comes from my mental illness. i have very black and white thinking so i either love or hate something so if i’m asked to do something that i don’t like i have a hard time forcing myself to enjoy it to put all of myself into the ordered task. i am also forgetful and a bit absent minded at times; i forget what exactly Master told me to do or to perform a ritualized order. So what am i doing to correct my problems with obedience? Well, first of all i am writing this blog which forced me to take a look at my own obedience and decided that obedience will be the topic for discussion at the next submissives group get together. So i am gathering ideas on how to be more obedient and seeking support. i have also made a commitment to myself to be more immediately obedient and try to serve Master more happily in remembering that making Her happy makes me happy. i have also decided that i need to work on getting my borderline personality disorder under better control and need to brush up on my mindfulness skills. In choosing to obey i am setting myself free of the constraints of having to make choices for myself and us.

Through my travels on the interwebs i found this little quote that i will leave you with: “They may not always be right but they will always be Master.”

What's in a Name?

I was reminded earlier this week as to why my mother and I have a very superficial relationship and why I don't tell her anything. She came in for her annual visit and I knew leading up to this week that I was going to tell her about Kawhaii and that I go by Lee. I wish I had done neither. 

The second day she was here, she and I went out taking pictures while elle was at work. All day I was trying to push myself to say that I wanted to talk to her. I couldn't do it. I was worried over her reaction and just couldn't get the words out. At dinner, I continued trying and elle finally leaned over and said that I needed to do it. With a deep breath, I spat it out. I had a few things to tell her that weren't really phone conversations.

I told her first that we have a girlfriend. She was rather taken aback and didn't understand why or how. I explained a little bit and I could see in her face she didn't approve but was able to say something to the effect of if that's our preference then hopefully our marriage is strong enough to handle a third. 

She asked what else I had to tell her and I said that elle and our friends call me Lee. She was immediately upset, eyes welling with tears, looking away from me, and not saying anything. I moved over to sit beside her and asked what she was thinking. She said that I will always be Kim to her, I told her I wasn't asking her to change that; she said that she felt rejected because she gave me my name (had she said we, as in her and my dad that died 32 years ago, I may have felt guilt rather than anger), I told her this is still part of my name (Kimberlee) it's just more neutral and I feel more comfortable with it; she said that she knows I'm a good person and don't mean to hurt anyone, but she still feels rejected, I just bit my tongue, let a few tears fall before I could swallow my feelings and fought very hard to stay in my seat. I was so close to telling elle that I was sorry but I had to leave. The only reason I didn't was because I wasn't going to leave elle alone with my crying mother and make her deal with it.

That was all that was said and I'm sure all that will ever be said. Lee will never exist to her and I will have a stroke if she ever asks about Kawhaii. The rest of that night and the following days, it was as if that conversation never happened. I've been switching between anger, hurt, rejection, and resignation since then but buried all of it because I just couldn't deal with it while she was here. elle asked if I wanted to talk about it that night, but I told her no I needed to stay angry so I could keep it in better. That's the second time she has rejected me for finally telling her the truth of who I am - first she told me it was like I had died when I came out as gay and now because I 'reject' her name she rejects my identity. 

I am very good at keeping thoughts and feelings to myself (right girls?) because it is a lot harder for someone to discard me for being who I am if they don't know me. 

Right now I just what to surround myself with the people that love me for who I am...unfortunately I can't do much of that. elle has been great of course and understands my hurt. Last week though, I made the decision that elle and I needed to take a three week break from contacting Kawhaii in order to focus on trying to figure out where our issues are coming from and make a plan to fix things. I wanted to be in both their arms, feeling love from both of them, and I couldn't even tell Kawhaii what was going on let alone see her. 

We did see her at an event last night and so I filled her in. It wasn't a great place for talking though so not much was able to be said. It's really hard not talking to her or seeing her, though I stand by my decision and reason behind it. I miss her a lot, and I'm sure that will increase with mom gone and knowing that we could be seeing her. I feel like I'm missing part of me and worry that she'll realize the opposite. We bring a lot of stress into her life; maybe she will be happier to have that gone how ever much great feelings are involved.

elle and I are struggling with our relationship and I'm scared to think what will happen if we don't get things straightened out. I'm not going to get into our issues and still need to do some soul searching to really get down to what the problems are, but I am really hoping that with a few weeks of a bit more time together we can at least open up better communication and see more clearly what we can do to move forward. I have not taken the break from Kawhaii because I feel she is causing the issues, not in the least, but just as a way to make us focus more on the two of us and making us strong again without dragging Kawhaii into the stress of it. Two more weeks.   

On Shaky Ground

Things haven't been going so great lately. Our relationship between Master and i as well as with Kahwaii has taken a few major hits lately and we are all suffering because of them. Master has a few ideas on how She wants to fix them. One of the ideas i disagree with and the other i agree with but am embarrassed by it. i'm not going to share them until after we have a chance to talk to Kahwaii about them, which we are planning on doing this evening.

In my opinion, it was all starting to brew just below the surface for a while before we went to Kahwaii's cabin at the beginning of last month but things happened while we were there that i believe never got fully resolved which compounded the earlier problems and they've all been escalating ever since. The security of our relationship feels like it is resting on a very thin line.

my jealousy over the connection that Master and Kahwaii have is my biggest problem i believe. i'm not sure why i am jealous now because in the beginning i was not at all jealous. In fact, it was quite the opposite, i craved to see them develop a bond together and i was concerned that Master would have a hard time seeing me with someone else. i don't know what made the switch flip. i think it's because Kahwaii and i don't connect the same way that she does with Master. We connect sexually but because of the nature of our relationship we have sex very infrequently. i really wish that it was more often because i feel so much closer to her afterwards, even if its not sex per say even when she and i make out and definitely after she has beat on me.

i have been having some fairly wild emotional mood swings and have been changing my opinion/view on topics (because of the swinging emotions) a lot lately. My BPD (borderline personality disorder) seems to be rearing it's ugly head more as of late. This morning i even suggested that i try re-upping my one medication that we had reduced a few months ago to see if that will help. Master and i even briefly talked about going to talk to someone together but we decided that we don't feel like teaching someone about our style of relationship and even then the person may not understand enough to be effective in helping us navigate some fairly unique relationship problems. And since i already have more than maxed out my portion of my insurance coverage for psych we cant really afford it anyways. So we are going to try to work things out on our own.

What do we need to work on exactly? i need to work on being more obedient and less headstrong. i am a very strong willed person and when i believe in something i will fight for it tooth and nail. i also need to work on getting my BPD under control again and try to see the grey areas in between the black and white that i tend to see. For example, to me, you either love or hate, nothing more, nothing less, simple as that. My mental health being unstable creates and exacerbates so many problems. i believe it is at the root of my jealousy issues and if i can figure out just what would be causing it maybe i can work with my psychologist to correct it. In my opinion Master needs to work on Her consistency with enforcing the rules and slowly but steadily upping Her authority in more and more of my life.

Life is about to get busy. Next week Master's Mom will be here for 5 days plus one of my stepsisters is getting married just after Mom leaves. As well, i have just started a new casual job, i haven't even had my first shift yet but once i do i imagine i will get a bit busier with that too. i'm not sure when Master and i are going to find time to work on our relationship but we need to make it a priority, much more so than we have been in the last while.

A Storm is Brewing

It has been quite a while since I have said anything here, but not for lack of things to talk about. I have stared at the blank screen on a number of occasions and have second guessed writing about any of the topics or feelings that have come to mind, but here goes...
___________

Life is complicated. We have run up against a number of difficult issues over the past few months and haven't really come up with any easy fixes yet. About a month ago, the three of us went to Kahwaii's parent's cabin on the lake. It was wonderful being out there with boat access only, one neighbor in the bay, and very little for modern convenience. I could really easily just live in a place like that. I was really looking forward to three days with just my girls and getting some extended time with Kahwaii without anyone having to go home at the end of the night.

We had some fantastic moments out there - we took advantage of the lack of people and had an incredible outdoor humiliation scene followed up by really hot sex and a chance to cuck elle. Sitting on the dock, watching the sun set over the water was beautiful, though it made me a bit homesick for Victoria. We snuggled on the couch in front of the fire and simply seeing Kahwaii each day made me very happy.

Unfortunately, shit hit the fan a couple of times and a decent amount of our time was spent trying to figure out hurt feelings and upset emotions. See, Kahwaii and I have a very good connection and apparently our energy is rather overpowering. We think we are being inclusive and tell elle she is always welcome to join conversations and such, but due to our connection I guess we look involved in private moments that aren't inviting. elle felt excluded and hurt by this.

The second night in, after the humiliation and cucking, I tucked elle into bed because she was falling asleep. As I did so, she encouraged me to tell Kahwaii that I love her (I confessed this to elle quite awhile ago). I did and Kahwaii said it back. It was great being able to say it to her with elle's encouragement...until things went sideways. Turns out, elle encouraged me because she knew I wanted to tell Kahwaii and thought that was what I wanted to hear. I did want her support, but I wanted it truthfully. It hurts elle to know I am loved back and this has brought out a fair bit of jealousy that she's having a hard time overcoming. We've realized that she was probably having sub drop and the emotional hurt was bigger because of it, but it's still there.

elle and Kahwaii have some difficulty connecting and their relationship label has changed a few times making emotions run like a rollercoaster. It's hard on both of them trying to figure out feelings and how best to improve their relationship and D/s dynamic. I feel very guilty to be so happy with where Kahwaii and I are at because it hurts elle; I am scared I will lose Kahwaii if they aren't able to connect more; I miss Kahwaii as soon as we are apart and always look forward to when I can see her again. The more time I spend with Kahwaii the harder I fall for her and the bigger my heart will break if it ends. I don't want this to hurt anyone but I don't want to pull back to try to keep that from happening either.

Since coming home from the cabin there has been ongoing jealousy. elle is having a hard time with Kahwaii and I saying I love you (even privately) and for a while had asked if we would refrain. It was very difficult not saying it when we'd finally started to and it felt unfair that we were stopping because the feelings weren't the same between elle and Kahwaii. They are separate relationships that grow differently and it felt like a punishment because ours grew closer faster. Alone time with Kahwaii was also nonexistent since then.

elle wants to be ok with everything and gets mad at herself for not being so. I can understand her side and don't want to hurt her but at the same time I need to be able to throw myself into this relationship with Kahwaii as well to be fair to what we have. We tried to deny it, but we knew from the start feelings were going to happen. We are not primaries but the feelings are no less valid or important. Same with the feelings between elle and Kahwaii. No one is expendable.

This past weekend was a kinky camping event with 80+ people. It was our second time going, and the place where Kahwaii's interest in us started showing last year. It was pretty awesome being there this year and not just watching her from a distance (I think I've already mentioned that I had quite a crush on her from early on in meeting her). Last year secret crush, this year in love.

Things weren't all great though. More or less the same emotions were coming out. At one point I took elle aside because I was getting really upset over the double standard that I felt was happening between what was ok to happen between her and Kahwaii compared to myself and Kahwaii. I've been getting very frustrated by this and pull back from Kahwaii each time the three of us are together in order to not upset elle, that hasn't really been making it better for anyone though.

I don't know how to help them learn each other's language so they can communicate better. I've tried 'translating' for them but I'm worried it's not enough. What I worry is that they are too different everywhere except in their individual levels of dominance in which I think they could be on par if elle was on the top side. It leads to head butting as an unconscious struggle for power. The dynamic is Kahwaii dominant and elle submissive, but I think her brain tells her to push back because it feels there is a chance to gain control. elle can submit to J because he is more dominant and she won't get the control - he intimidates her; she can submit to me because if she doesn't it would royally fuck our shit up; she has a hard time fully submitting to Kahwaii because if she fights enough maybe she can wrest the control away. I'm not saying this is through conscious choice at all, and I know elle doesn't see where she is doing said pushing back, but it is there and I believe is a big reason they have a more difficult time connecting.

(I wrote this a few weeks ago and was going to add more, but am leaving it at this to move on to more recent events.)

Our Fifth Anniversary

Five years today! It has been five years that Master and i have been married. It seems like it happened both just yesterday and forever ago. The day we got married was one of the happiest days of my life! i have been looking back at where we have come in the past five years and i can't believe some of the leaps and bounds that we have made in our lives both kink/M/s-wise and personally. We have been through a lot and come out much stronger as individuals and as a couple.

In our personal lives, moving and trying to have a baby were probably our two biggest challenges. Moving was huge for us because we were leaving behind the life we knew together. The planning was stressful, we had to get our shit and ourselves as well as our four cats half way across the country. Lee was moving to a city She had never even been to. i  was doing something i told myself that i'd never do, move back to the city i grew up in. For me, moving was, in a way, like admitting defeat; i was returning to a place that i had told myself i'd never live in again. If i thought moving was hard, going through trying to have a baby was even more tough. We spent so much time and money on trying to have a baby and in the end, almost exactly a year ago now, we decided not to continue pursuing that path. That decision was hard and i still struggle with it sometimes. Just yesterday i had a few moments where i started second guessing if we had made the right decision, first when i saw a cute little girl and the second time was when i was going through baby clothes that we had in storage. (we took them to a consignment store) It hurts and i don't think many people realize that i still struggle with that decision. Sometimes it feels like we failed or like we lost our dream.

In addition to those changes i have also applied to go back to school, which was a bit stressful and will be even more so when it actually happens. Also my mental health continues to be a struggle, some times more so than others. Just recently i had a pretty huge emotional/angry outburst in front of both Master and Kahwaii that we have now decided was brought on by the down swing of some great humiliation play.

In our kink/M/s lives revamping our M/s, going to Power eXchange Summit and meeting our family were the biggest events. When we got married, our M/s was at the peak of where it was when we were living in Victoria, in my opinion. It really fell off for a while while we were getting shit together to move and for about the first oh, six to nine or so months after we moved. After we started attending MAsT, and in particular the protocol dinner that MAsT hosted, our dynamic took off and we have been only getting stronger and stronger as the months and now years pass. We have more structure and protocols now, which i thrive under because i like things to be organized and in order. We never really figured out what happened to make it all click and stay together finally but i am so glad that it did! Power eXchange Summit was THE highlight of 2015 in my opinion. We were just so lucky to be immersed in the TPE/M/s energy that was flowing at the conference. It gave us a few new perspectives/insights on our relationship and it opened Master's eyes to cuckqeaning. Meeting Sir J and d has given Master and i something that i think every TPE and/or M/s couple needs, more than just best friends, they are our Leather family. If shit were to ever really hit the fan i know without a doubt they would be there for us in an instant just as we would for them. Master and i are able to be completely honest with them about any aspect of our lives. We also have Kahwaii, who may not be part of our Leather family but i do consider her to be family none the less. She is a joy and a blessing that i never would have thought was possible. Because of her Master and i can explore some sexual activities that are impossible to do alone. But more importantly it has proven to us that love is not divided but multiplies when another partner is added. i now have the honour and privileged of loving and serving two wonderful women. i feel more loved by Master now than before we had Kahwaii in our lives.

Five years. How can it feel like both just an instant and forever? Sometimes i feel like i know so much about Master that it is impossible that it has only been five years. But as they say time flies when you're having fun and these past five years have definitely been a blast! i can't wait for the next five and how ever many more after that....

Breaking Down Walls and Getting Over Jealousy

As anyone who is close to me can attest to, i have some pretty high and thick walls that surround me.
Why do i put up walls? i guess in a sense it's a control thing. The less someone knows about me the less they have to use to hurt me. There are many reasons for the walls, there are two big ones though. The first being that i grew up with two alcoholic parents. They were not abusive in a traditional sense but let's just say that i took care of my sister a lot when we were young. The second reason is that my last girlfriend before Lee was verbally and emotionally abusive. She would call me crazy, stupid or other names, she would threaten me and used the removal of affection and emotional detachment as ways to "punish" me if i had been "bad" (not that we used those words though). my mental health struggles also make me scared to let people in. i'm scared that if someone sees the real crazy in me they will get scared off themselves. i have a huge fear of abandonment so rather than be abandoned, i have a habit of just not letting people in and/or pushing them away. i think another fear i have is doing or saying something to jeopardize the relationship Master has with Kahwaii. Another piece in the problem pie is that i have viewed needing help as a sign of weakness and that being offered help was a way of the other person telling me that they thought that i was weak.

i have a have a hard time knocking down those walls to let people in and get close to me; they end up having to climb over them instead. This is not good for anybody to do but especially in a budding D/s relationship it is really not good. But that is what i have been doing to Kahwaii. Last night, we (all three of us) had a conversation about where things between her and i are going among other things. We have decided that we are going to pursue a D/s dynamic. The details of what rules and protocols weren't discussed much other than that i will be punished if she tells me to do something and i don't (which happened last week and is part of what spurred this conversation). She also wants me to check in via text with her more often; she had said not necessarily every day but i think i will try to do it daily just to keep in the habit of it. i had already started serving her drinks and such like i do with Master and since she enjoys it i will continue to do it. She also already punishes me for biting my nails by moving stuff around in my kitchen. So there are a few things we do. i think some sort of greeting ritual could be beneficial, kind of like having the mantra i say with Master which we both find very centering. Master also mentioned that She is thinking that Kahwaii will be in charge of enforcing Master's rules for me when it's just Kahwaii and i.

So how do i go about letting Kahwaii in without making her climb over my walls? Surely now that i/we have acknowledged that they exist it should be easier to knock them down, that seems to me to be the first step in the process. So what is next? i think i need to talk to her about my past more. Maybe if i open up about the two issues that i've already mentioned plus all the other shit that has happened in my life maybe then she will understand where i come from a bit more. Plus, i need to be honest about my feelings and worries, which up till now i haven't been so great at. i believe that Kahwaii has earned my trust and i need to reciprocate by opening up. She has demonstrated to me that she doesn't plan on leaving nor will she intentionally harm me. i need to surrender myself to her.

Two weekends ago was Pride here. Kahwaii had mentioned that she didn't have anything rainbow to wear to Pride. So Master and i went to see if we could find something for her at the Pride market on the Saturday. We were unsuccessful so after the parade on Sunday we went back to look in the market again and found a bracelet that we decided to get her. After the festival we all came back to the house and long story short Master gave the bracelet to Kahwaii without me. She was under the impression that the bracelet was a gift from Her while i thought it was from us. i got upset a few days later when i saw Kahwaii wearing it. It brought out feelings of jealousy in two ways i now realize after talking to my psychologist about the situation. The first is the one that i had already considered. i was jealous of Master getting to give Kahwaii a gift and jealous of Kahwaii for getting something when i hadn't, especially because i thought that Master had gone back to get me one too when She went to get us food. i thought i had worked them out until yesterday when Master was the one to give Kahwaii the small gift we brought her back from our trip and it re-opened the flood gate of jealous feelings.

To Kahwaii: You were right last night when you said that we have to make what we have work as far as our poly dynamic goes. i think if we can make the cucking work for all of us the dynamic between you and i will grow so much stronger; our power exchange will only strengthen. i'm beyond thrilled that you have agreed to try cucking me. You will make such a beautiful cuckcake! You were also right when you said that i thrive on routine and structure. So that means i need you to enforce the rules and protocols that you decide on and to keep me in line if my "toppy" play is getting to be too much. In serving and obeying you i not only make you happy but i make myself happy too. i hate that i made you mad by disobeying what you told me to do and will take what ever punishment you decide is warranted. i am sorry. i am also sorry that i was trying to hide my feelings from you, especially jealousy about the bracelet that Master gave you.

My Take On Stuff and Things and a Bit More On Cucking

This may be a bit short as i have a dental appointment in a a few hours that i need to get myself ready for soon but i really wanted to get my feelings out while they were fresh on my mind.

i titled this my take on stuff and things because i don't know what stuff and things means to Kahwaii, in all honesty i don't fully know what it means to Master either. i've been struggling with what stuff and things means to myself and after talking with our Leather family and Master i think i have a bit of a better understanding on what it means to me. i imagine that it will evolve and in time i might have to re-evaluate what stuff and things means but for now here's what stuff and things means to me.

i care deeply for Kahwaii. When she's not around i miss her and wish that i were with her. i think about her from time to time and wonder what she is doing. i wonder if she's thinking about me. When she is around i want to be close to her. i want to touch her, kiss her and do sexy things with her. i immensely enjoy our sex and crave feeling her hands on every inch of my body. But i also enjoy just sitting with her and talking, finding out more about her. When she laughs, it makes me happy. When she is upset or crying i just want to hold her and make her feel better how ever it may need to be done. i want to learn more about her, what makes her tick.

i wish that i knew exactly what stuff and things means to Kawhaii. Part of my mental illness struggle is that my thinking tends to be very black and white so i have a hard time the grey areas, the unknown. Our Leather family was trying to re-assure me that stuff and things doesn't necessarily mean the big L word but it has a meaning to her, if it's not the big L word then what is it? That's where my head goes at least and it's damn near impossible to stop the thoughts.

i am most definitely not ready for saying the big L word, i don't think that will happen any time soon. i'm just not there yet. Maybe one day but at this point to be honest i'm not sure that i want that to happen. So what exactly does that mean for stuff and things for me? Who the fuck knows.

i strongly believe if Master and Kahwaii were to have a "deeper" relationship than Kahwaii and i that i would be okay with that. To me i think that that is closer to the type of poly that i had envisioned, along the lines of cucking. The version of poly that Master and i had always talked about was more of a V-style relationship with Her as the fulcrum and the other woman and i having only sexual contact for Master's pleasure/entertainment and the two of them cucking me occasionally (or more). Our relationship with Kahwaii is definitely a triangle, all of us are in a relationship fully with each other. The triangle arrangement could still work for some sexual cucking but Kahwaii is incredibly scared of coming between Master and i. i don't think she realizes how much i'm into humiliation and degradation play. i think she thinks about it from her point of view of not wanting to have that done to her rather than seeing what appeals to me about it. But i like the feeling of being made to feel insignificant, it's the emotional masochist in me i guess. i also like that it reinforces our M/s dynamic by demonstrating how much power Master has to be able to say such "awful" things to me. It clearly shows me that i am owned property.

For example, last night Master and i role played last night about me being another woman, someone from our past. Role playing being the other woman is kind of the ultimate in humiliation because i have to make fun of myself. As i played the other woman, Master and i degraded her wife as being a pathetic slut that's only good as back-up holes for when the good ones (the other woman's) weren't available. That got Master off, which lately has been rare and i had a pretty good orgasm too.

Master and i both would like to experience cuckqueaning for real. We have come up with a few ideas as to how we might be able to incorporate it into our play with Kahwaii in ways that she is hopefully comfortable with, small things such as Master telling me that She likes kissing/ fucking/etc. Kahwaii while we all are having sex but avoiding things such as outright comparing Kahwaii and i (at least for now until we can hopefully get her more comfortable with that). At some point i would love it if the two of them were to have sex without me even there but i don't foresee that happening any time soon, if ever.

Stuff and Things

Near the end of my last relationship, my then girlfriend asked (basically told me) if we could open our relationship. She was young; I was her first serious, long term girlfriend; she wasn't ready to be so serious; blah, blah, blah. The answer in my head was no, but the answer I reluctantly gave was yes - with a few conditions. One being, sex was off limits. She went on a date and didn't come home that night. According to her, "they lost track of time because they were talking so she just slept at her place, but nothing happened." I was an insecure doormat that wanted to believe her and didn't want to lose her.

Well, she dumped me shortly after and not long into dating elle, the ex decided it was unfair for me to not know she had been cheating on me throughout the two years and 'just slept at her place' was really 'we fucked'. Basically, opening the relationship was so she could keep cheating on me without feeling guilty for cheating on me, because well, we were open after all, right! So wrong.

Fast forward to now and I feel like I am betraying elle by having feelings for Kahwaii. elle is completely aware of these feelings, supports them, is happy about them, and reassures me of such, but do you think that penetrates through my fear of hurting her? Nope! I ask her over and over if she is sure she is ok and she tells me over and over that she is. I can see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice that she is telling me the truth, yet I'm scared of doing something that will shake her trust and unconditional love.

Growing up, poly wasn't something that crossed my mind. At the time, it was enough if I could find one person. Small town + dyke = ya fucking right, why do you think I moved away! Plus, all I saw was monogamy. My dad died when I was two and he was, still is, the ONLY man my mom was ever with. My grandparents are still married, when according to mom, they should have divorced long, long ago. Poly didn't exist in my world...then again neither did M/s or kink.

I'm not so much the doormat that I used to be, but that's more to do with being with people that actually care about me and don't want to just use me to wipe their feet on. I am still that insecure person though. I have a hard time opening up to people and let very few people really get inside. I have to be pushed to say what's on my mind and talk about how I am feeling. elle, obviously knows me inside and out better than anyone ever has. Our leather family is more aware of what I keep inside than any friends or bio family have known.

Kahwaii...she figured me out pretty quickly I think and knows that if she wants to get me talking she needs to push and not let me brush it off. She's learned to read me fairly accurately and it is both great (I need the people closest to me to know when I have to open up because I have a hard time just doing so on my own) and not so great (cause the people closest to me know when I have to open up and that I wouldn't do it on my own, lol). Two of them now that won't let me hide my crap, bury my feelings, or drink caffeine in the evenings! What have a I gotten myself into.

elle, you are more incredible in every way than I feel I deserve. You have loved me in a way I never imagined I could/would be loved. I look at you and I am home, I am safe, I am seen. 'I love you' are three words that say everything yet not nearly enough. I didn't know love until you and I can't remember what life was like before you. I ask you where you belong and you give your answer; where I am with you, is where I belong.

Kahwaii, you have accepted me, my insecurities, my challenges, my questioning without hesitation. I feel you saw 'me' before any of this started and you've made me feel safe, awkward and nervous, but safe. We've talked at length about bigger, deeper in head things, but I want to know the little things about you too - favorite color and food, what music you like, ect.. You are a wonderful, beautiful, smart woman that has become very special and important to me.

Thank you both for being who you are and for readily embracing who I am.    

Rituals, Protocols and an Update

Prepping for the Winnipeg Submissives Network (WSN) meeting got me thinking. The topic is on protocols and rituals. We were supposed to do it this month but we had a bit of lower turn-out so we decided to wait for next month. Then, as Master and i were getting into bed we had a discussion about our rules, rituals and protocols. We decided that we need to be spending a bit more of our free time focusing on our M/s rather than doing other things as it has been pushed aside a bit as of late with vanilla life creeping in more and more.

Master and i have many protocols and rituals that we use on a day to day basis that turn the more mundane aspects of our lives into special events. These interactions really help us reconnect. They are sacred moments in time when we stop and focus on each other. The interaction reaffirms our commitment towards each other and reinforces our Master/slave Power Exchange. Each ritual and/or protocol fulfills a purpose be it control of how i look or to make Master’s life easier and more enjoyable.

The rules that work, why do they work? Because we care about them. We have spent years refining how they work; when life changes we alter them as needed. In fact, we are planning on looking at our rules and protocols again this upcoming weekend because of the changes that have happened over the past while in our lives and we haven’t re-evaluated our rules in a while. The protocols and rituals we have now have become a natural part of our lives and we miss them when we don’t do them. It’s so easy to slip out of them if you start to let them slide so we need to remind each other when something is missed. They also work because our rules, rituals and protocols as i said earlier serve a purpose in our relationship, be it enhancing Sir’s quality or enjoyment of life, practical reasons or reinforcing our M/s dynamic, to name a few.  The rules that don’t work are either changed or removed.

Why do i like to have them? The obvious answer is that i want the connection that our rituals offer.  Beyond that though, having protocols gives my life structure which gives me freedom to not have to make choices which is a huge stress relief for me. i like to know how exactly She wants her food presented and how exactly to hold my arms and head while waiting for Her to take whatever it is that i am offering. i like knowing exactly what is expected of me and how to best please my Master.

Kahawii was here outside with Master during the meeting so after the WSN get together was finished they came inside. i was so horny by the time she left from her pulling my hair and poking at my bruises from the weekend that i wanted to be filled and fucked so badly it almost hurt more than the poking and hair puling! Having both Kahawii and Master gang up on me to punch me and such also didn’t help any. But alas, she went home and left me suffering. Master offered to assist me but by the time our conversation was over it was very late so we just went to sleep.

Another thing that Master and i have been talking about is having me try to use a safeword so She feels more comfortable with beating me harder. That way She knows where my limits really are and doesn’t have to guess if i’ve had enough. It was my idea to try to see if it will help Her be able to unleash Her sadism more freely.

Weekend Update with a Bit Extra

The last few weekends have been great. Let me share with you…

This weekend that just passed was a blast! There is a monthly event at a local bar that Master and i pretty much always go to with our leather family, Sir J and d. This time Kahwaii and her fiancée, as well as Sir J and d’s date joined us and we met others at the bar. We started out pre-drinking and hanging out at our place. We came back here after the bar and shortly afterwards started to play. Both Lee and Sir J topping myself, d and their date (well, Lee didn’t really play with Sir J and d’s date, just d and i). All three of us ended up with some pretty colours. My colours are mostly on my arms because i made the huge mistake of calling the 30+ punches per arm punishment/funishment i received for sitting on the couch (for less than half a minute i might add) “small” instead of “sufficient” by accident and then panicked and couldn’t think of the right word (i will also add that it was determined that even if i had said sufficient after saying small i still wouldn’t have mattered at that point i had already said small). So the two sadists decided i needed another 30 punches on each arm. i received over 60 hard punches on each arm. They (my arms, not the sadists, let’s make that very clear!!) are so weak from being sore right now that i decided that i will be skipping yoga today. They are turning all kinds of shades of red and purple. i might have to get Master to take a pic or two so we can upload them to Fetlife. Sir J has this toy that is about 15 cm long and has sharp metal rivets running along the edges of it. It hurts quite a bit and leaves beautiful marks. Sir and i had looked at it before and contemplated getting it ourselves. “The Riveter”, as i called it, left its mark on my ass and thighs that has made sitting slightly uncomfortable. Sir J also bit me on the back of each of my shoulders and those spots are quite tender as well. But my arms definitely got the worst of it. As well as play, we got to spend Sunday afternoon hanging out with Sir J and d, which is always a treat. i love being able to just hang out with other people and be us. We don’t have to be concerned about what the people around think about our M/s or S/m. Just be our authentic selves and live our M/s.

The weekend before last we took Kahwaii out on a date to a restaurant that Master and i like. i broke the awkwardness right away by knocking silverware on the floor. The food was good and it felt fairly natural to be out on a date with my wife and our girlfriend. We came back here and we had some fun sexy times, including them trying to hold hands inside of me. Which, oh my god! It felt so good and painful at the same time i wanted to cry and cum at the same time. i hope they are going to try again. i asked Master if She would help me practice prior to make it more likely to be successful. Entirely only for practice though, there will be no enjoyment in it i promise! Having them both inside of me at the same time is so hot, either double penetration or double fisting, just thinking about it right now is getting my girly bits going.

It’s been a little over two months now since we first had Kahwaii over for coffee. It feels just like yesterday and yet it also seems like she’s been a part of our lives for so much longer as well because things seem to be working out smoothly for the most part. She and Master have come to see me at work a few evenings now even, once by semi-surprise. We’ve hung out one on one her and i once and her and Master a few times. i’ve had one moment of jealousy and that was when i thought that Kahwaii was about to make Master cum. i have worked my way through that now; i know why it triggered me and have come to the conclusion that i am happy if Kahwaii can make Master cum. Master was very good at supporting me through my jealousy, She even suggested we make a rule that other partners cannot make Her cum. But i want Her to enjoy Herself when we are having sex and if Kahwaii can make that happen then i don’t want to stop it. In fact i am hoping it happens now because i know how much Sir does enjoy cumming, when She does.

Otherwise, i have been feeling good about how our relationship is going. Last night while we were getting our garden ready for the summer Master and i were talking about how we are feeling about Kahwaii. We have a check-in every week, which is very helpful when new things are happening in your lives but also when things are more settled as a reminder to keep the communication going. We strongly believe that open honest communication is the cornerstone of a solid relationship. We are mostly on the same page when it comes to the feeling we have for Kahwaii and what we hope to see happen in the future since our original idea of poly was with someone who was unattached to have a closed triad with so we’ve had to re-envision our poly future.

On a semi-related note, this situation has got me thinking. Master and i have freely talked about the possibility of us moving away one day but that decision is getting harder and harder with having people who are important to us. Our leather family is so important to us i couldn’t imagine not being close to them- having them 2 hours away is too far! And in the minimum of 5 or so years it will be before we would/will move that bond will so much stronger. Plus who knows where things with Kahwaii will be, if we are still together then it will be excruciating to have to say good-bye. If it’s not her it could be someone else. i fully realize that in the future we may part ways from our leather family and/or Kahwaii. But should we stop ourselves from making these connections just because in 5 or more years we may decide that we want to move back to Victoria or somewhere else? At this point it seems like our life is here. At this point i would have an extremely hard time leaving our people.

I Love Her More Than Zombies

This warm weather and melting snow makes me want to get back out on the trails and head into the woods! I don't care if we would be hiking through two inches of mud and by the end of the day we were covered up to our knees with muck. I want to feel the exhausting weight of the pack on my back after six/eight hours on the move; I want to finish the night with the smoke of a campfire billowing around us and the flames lighting up only a small circle of the black, black night. I want to crawl into our little tent, shimmy into our sleeping bags and barely sleep because there is a rock jabbing me in the small of my back and 'fuck what was that noise' thoughts sending paranoid delusions through my head.

I want to wake up in the small hours of the morning just as the sun is coming up with the birds quietly chirping around us and open the tent to a chill morning and the utter peace and contentment that, that moment brings. Those mornings are amazing. We sit around in silence together, sipping our coffee and just breathe. No one else around, no traffic, no digital distractions; just nature, each other, and that feeling of my soul being revived.

Can we just live out there forever?

Hiking on the Mantario Trail is pretty good, but sadly it just doesn't compare to the trail we were on near Victoria. Looking out over the ocean and hearing the crash of the waves and the call of the seagulls as we pushed forward is just beyond describing. I'm sad we didn't get out there much at all before moving and even after nearly four years here, I am still homesick for Victoria. I want to go back to visit (the place more than the people, is that bad?!) but I'm afraid of how much more I will miss it once we have to leave again. I didn't think I could love a place and miss a place this much.

We moved here for very good reasons though and I would not change that decision now even if I could. To not move here would mean to not meet the incredible people that we have. There are people here that have changed our lives and I can't imagine not knowing them. I can't picture where we would be without having attended MAsT that first time, without putting ourselves out there to co-lead MAsT, and without meeting the people through MAsT that are now friends and family.

I am not the person I was when we moved here (and I don't mean that in the way I did in my last post). Life is different. We are different. I would absolutely love to move back to Victoria someday. We have talked about it many times and our ultimate plan was to always move back. Moving back now though would mean leaving people we love rather than just a place we love. Heartsick versus homesick.

Even if we were to move back, it is many, many years from now. elle will hopefully be starting school in the fall and then there would be a long time from there before moving would make sense. Perhaps by then the homesickness will have been replaced completely by the people that have made such a lasting mark on us...or perhaps they could all move there with us ;)

Our M/s is stronger and our love is stronger due to the challenges and experiences we have faced together since moving here. There can never be regret for this move, only a longing to have all that we have here in the place that we also love.

However, in the middle of the woods, in the beauty of Victoria, in the frigid colds of Winnipeg, with elle at my side I know I am always home. Looking at her asleep beside me, watching her chest rise with each breath and seeing the beat of her heart in the pulse at her throat just puts me in awe of how much I am in love with her and how lucky I am to spend my life with her.

I would miss a new episode of The Walking Dead for you elle, but with you I know I would never have to and that is true love!

The Stranger Inside

I feel like I am becoming a stranger. I used to be pretty laid back, very slow to anger and quick to forgive and move on. I felt fairly stable emotionally and like I could remain strong to support elle. Of course, I had my bad days when I just wanted to hide out in a dark room, let the day pass and probably feel better tomorrow. These days, I want that dark room more and more and I know tomorrow will be more of the same.

Ever have a rough night of sleep where you wake up feeling just as tired as when you went to bed? You drag your ass around all day trying to get through work and life so you can fall into your bed as soon as possible and let the sandman take you. Ever have two nights in a row? What about a few weeks? Couple months? Years? Sleep starts to feel pretty pointless when it does nothing to rejuvenate your mind and body for the next day.

I've been doing this for years now. Trying different medications to see what will work but in the end nothing has helped with my awake hours. Sure pills make me fall asleep, even sleep mostly through the night sometimes, but I still wake up feeling as if I had laid down for only five minutes. I feel physically exhausted all the time. My body feels so heavy. It takes so much effort to put one foot in front of the other, to eat, to coordinate my hands to work. It takes effort to breath because I feel like a weight is on my chest, to keep my head held up, to keep my eyes open.

Mentally, I am not myself. I am often on the verge of tears (and fight them off because I am generally at work); I can not concentrate or focus and I know I am making mistakes; my memory is pretty terrible and I forget words a fair bit. I am quite quick to anger and try really hard not to let it out because I know I am also overreacting. I have lost my patience and get frustrated very easily. I have murderous thoughts of jumping over my cubicle wall and smashing the guy sitting there with his keyboard if he tap, tap, taps it one more time! I think the last month is the worst that this has been so far.

I know this is hard on elle because she wants to help, but can't, and I'm sure she is seeing the stranger than I am feeling. This isn't who she married and this isn't who I want Kahwaii to know.

What if this is me now though?

Getting my Tattoo Done

In less than 48 hours i will be getting my tattoo done of the bruise on my forearm from being waterboarded at Fall From Grace last summer. i have been waiting for this day to come for many months now. i am slightly concerned about how i will explain it to the vanilla folk, especially my parents as i’m sure that at least my mother will ask prying questions and simple vague answers will not suffice. i plan on telling people that it’s my version of the semicolon, i’m bruised but not broken kind of idea. So far the few vanilla people that i told that i’m getting it done and explained why have taken my explanation without question so maybe it will work. If it looks real enough maybe people won’t even think to ask as they will just think that i have a bruise. i have been going back and forth about where exactly on my arm to get it done. If i get it up a bit from where it was actually when it was a real bruise then i will be able to cover it with a ¾ length shirt if/when needed. The whole point of getting it though is to replicate the exact bruise that i received and i don’t know if moving it will change how i feel about it. i think that i will end up getting it in the same place as it was originally and just wear full length shirts when it needs to be covered up.

Short and sweet today, just wanted to quickly touch base and say hi!

What It Feels Like to Fall - My Top Drop

elle has asked me to write about Top drop for her submissive's group, so I figured I would try to get my thoughts out here since I had some this week.

We had a great weekend and ended up having an amazing, intense, unplanned scene with Kahwaii. Our first time playing with her and it was like we'd been doing so for ages. It was kind of weird how in tune we were with our energy, rhythm, highs and lows opposite to keep the intensity up and that we could communicate without a word spoken. We pushed each other to give more and in turn pushed elle to take more. elle came out of it with bruises nearly everywhere and a lot more floaty than I've managed to get her in sometime.

I came out of it pretty high myself. Then I crashed. Sunday afternoon we didn't really have time to process because we were busy seeing family - bowling for our nephew's birthday and dinner with grandparents in the middle of which a huge ball of anxiety filled my belly. Sitting at the dinner table, half way through eating, and my stomach was suddenly in my throat, heart pounding, body shaking (luckily only noticeable to me). I've been getting this feeling a lot lately though, so it's definitely not all drop.

Usually my drop revolves more around feeling guilty for beating on my wife...it's my wife, not slave, that is covered in bruises while I am feeling guilty. I start to worry that I went too far, or let it go too far with someone else. Did I miss a look, a sound, a twitch that meant she was done but I kept going? Did her cries of no more, actually mean no more this time even though no doesn't mean no? Did I let my high interfere with keeping her safe? Did I harm rather than hurt her? And on and on and on. My brain can't just see the bruises, see the smile and accept that it's all good. Not for a day or two at least.

Maybe that's why I like the fight back. If I end up hurting in someway then I'm reminded that it was consensual. I can move my arm and feel the ache of bruises and be brought out of my head enough to at least briefly see the smile and remember the glazed, floaty look she had. I can poke the bruises, hear the sharp intake of breath (good they still hurt) and be asked 'what was that for?' I almost always answer 'love' and it reminds me that it really was for love.

I don't get drop every time or even most times. It really depends on what was done to her, what marks she has after, how intense it was and where my head already is in it's cycle of self doubt and insecurity. Like I said, I am having a lot of anxiety lately (or at least what I am calling anxiety because I don't have a better word), so this week drop is combined with that to become overwhelming and nauseating. Monday I could barely get through work with the sick feeling of my stomach in my throat, really bad internal shakes, heart pounding like it was going to bust through my chest and an inability to eat until dinner.

Tuesday was when all the stuff in my head started to make noise. Guilt, doubt, insecurity, 'proof' of all that I was telling myself. It got to the point where I was nearly making myself cry at my desk and I felt like I could barely breathe. It was really hard getting out of my head, even when Kahwaii was here. I just kept falling back in.

When I am dropping, I need to be reassured that everything was enjoyed, it didn't go too far, the pain is a wonderful reminder of a great time, and the marks are desired and loved. I need to be cuddled and snuggled, to be close and see that my touches aren't going to make her flinch and cower in just regular togetherness. I need to be checked in on/with and told, without asking, that she enjoyed it and is looking forward to more. Basically, I just need to be reassured that I'm not an awful person for hurting her and getting off on it.

Chocolate helps too!

After a few days, I come out of it and can see the beauty in the bruises, remember the sounds of enjoyment as it was happening, and hear the pleasure in her voice when I poke at the marks.

Not many people seem to admit they've experienced Top drop. Whether they really haven't or it's to keep up the tough Domly Dominess, I don't know. Maybe they just need to handle it on their own, in their own way. If that works for them, great. I already keep too much bottled up and away from most people that I know I need to lean on elle, for both our sakes. Working through drop together, mine and hers, keeps us connected and communicating during a time where it's really easy to get lost inside yourself and spiral down.

So this happened...

Change comes in many forms and the latest change in our life comes in a sexy package.

We have met someone, who we are going to call Kahwaii for now, and are starting to explore the possibilities. It's been just a short time, but I feel like I am on an emotional roller-coaster. elle and I have been just the two of us for our entire relationship. she has some experience in this, but not a lot, and I have none. Over the years we have talked a lot about exploring having a third in our lives in some form, but with the baby trying it just never seemed the time would be right. Now that baby trying has finished, we are working on moving beyond the pain that causes, and going forward in our lives.

There's no time like the present to see where this experience can take us. I'll be honest though, I'm scared...fucking terrified when I move aside the other thoughts in my head. I think crazy, illogical things and put all sorts of irrational what ifs to myself. What if I'm not what she pictures? What if she likes elle more? What if elle likes her more? What if I can't 'perform' (whatever the hell that thought means!) and I fuck it up? What if, what if, what if? I have no logical reason to worry about those things. That's just the lovely place my head takes me out of insecurity.

I'm worried I will turn out to be jealous and can't overcome the sabotage my head might try. I'm not just worried about me though or about elle and I. Kahwaii also has a primary partner that we don't want to harm in anyway. There is, of course, nothing secret in what we are doing. Her partner is well aware and supportive and has a voice in where boundaries may lie. There is a lot of unknowns though and with that comes potential for danger.

This could change so much for us and it's certainly not just bad changes that are scaring me. As much as this could have a bad side, it already feels to have a really good side. If anyone had asked me six years ago before meeting elle if I would be doing 75% of the things we do in our lives, I would have laughed in their face and asked if they were serious. Seriously, you think I could raise a finger let alone a fist or boot to someone I love! Seriously, you think I, introvert, nervous public speaker, hate to be center of attention, would lead a group in which I facilitate discussions sometimes! Seriously, you think I could possibly be madly in love with someone and want to bring a third person into our lives in a non-platonic way! Seriously, have you met me?!

Funny how with the right catalyst so much can change in a person. Perhaps not even change, but be brought to light. I am however still the introvert, nervous public speaker, hate to be center of attention person; I just manage to not stumble over my tongue quite as much as I used to. elle entering my life though has opened up my world beyond anything I would have thought possible.

With this change and my nervousness with it all, I have barely been able to eat and my sleep is certainly no better than usual. I force down enough food to give my body at least a bit to work with, but I just don't want to eat and everything makes me want to throw up. It's really awesome how stupid by body is being! I'm starving. I'm excited. I'm lightheaded. I'm excited. I'm exhausted. I'm excited. I'm stressed out. I'm excited. I'm emotional. I'm excited. I'm happy. Oh and did I mention, I'm a little excited. My brain really needs to shut off and shut up for a while.

Well that's my ramble for now, I'm sure I will have more irrational and possibly rational thoughts to talk about soon.

Marking

For the past week i haven’t been feeling well. Let’s just say that i have been having problems with my lady bits and on medications for it. The pills gave me some nasty side effects that i won’t get into but they were bad enough that i left work a bit early on Saturday and called in sick for Sunday and was almost glad that good friends of our had cancelled our weekend plans. Since i haven’t been feeling well, not much has been happening on the kink front in our house. i have been feeling distant from Master and my slavery because of all of this. By Sunday evening, i thought i was feeling better.

Sunday evening Master decided to mark me by peeing on me before showering as She occasionally does. She mentioned that She planned on doing so while we were having our weekly check-in and in my infinite wisdom i made a comment about how we should talk for another hour. That was when She mentioned that She planned on marking my face (which i found out last night was a spur of the moment decision). i thought She was joking. She was not.

Master has me sit in the tub, slouched forward so She can mark me on the top/back of my head usually. This time She made me lean back while She held me by my hair. She stood right in front of me, almost over me a bit. The way we always start the ritual is by Her asking me where i belong and me replying on my knees at Your feet Sir. There is typically a pause before She starts peeing on me but this time because She had been holding it there wasn’t. This meant there wasn’t enough time for me to take a breath. This had the dire consequence of having to take a breath while being marked but she was peeing on my face. The sensation was similar to when i was waterboarded this past summer. Finally when i couldn’t hold it any longer, i turned my head away as much as i could, opened my mouth a bit and took a breath. This meant though that i got some of Master’s pee in my mouth. This is not entirely new but the quantity was more than ever before.

As Master’s pee was pouring down on me i felt a sense of calm come to me, a feeling of being fully owned and loved. i love when She does it because it centers me in a way very little else does. On the surface it may seem like a degrading thing but i feel so wanted and cherished after She does it that to me it’s not at all degrading. After She was finished, She started the shower and allowed me to rinse off then kissed my face and praised me for being Her good girl.

i asked Master last night why She likes to mark me in this way. She told me it’s like claiming what is Hers, like a dog marking its territory. For Her (and i for that matter) it has nothing to do with piss play; it’s all about the power and control of being able to perform such an intimate act together. Everything that woman does goes back to having authority over me!

i asked Her last night How far She plans on pushing the peeing. She couldn’t give me an answer except to say that it probably won’t go back to the way it was before, which means that my face will now be the default location for marking. i’m going to need to grow some gills i guess!

On a semi related note two weekends ago our good friends were in the city for our monthly MAsT meeting and stayed with Master and i. Master made some popcorn for us (cause She makes it way better than i can). Lee, the Master of the couple (J) and i were in the kitchen while his slave (d) was in the bathroom. i don’t remember how exactly it happened but J was holding the bowl of popcorn, i was being bratty and trying to reach it from him and ended up spilling it all over the floor. Master made me get down on hands and knees and eat the popcorn straight off the floor. d came out of the bathroom while this was going on so i had all three of them watching me as i ate like an animal off the floor. And to top it all off Master was recording it. Both Master and J were using their feet to push the popcorn towards me (i hate feet!!!) i never really understood the whole public humiliation kink until then but now i think i do. It was kind of like a gangbang without the sex.

Speaking of sex, we are about half way through my orgasm denial/restriction. Since i wasn’t feeling well down there, this past week hasn’t been any action other than Master getting Herself off on me the other night which made me very horny. i can’t wait for this to be over, but to be honest, it’s not quite as bad as i thought it would be.

Well, i realize this is short but i have an appointment in an hour that i need to get ready for. Have a great day!

M, F, T...Me

What do you call a person that isn't quite a girl, but isn't a boy, and doesn't fall under trans?

Unfortunately, there is no punch line though that sounds like I'm kicking this off with a joke. Nope, this is just my life.

Growing up, people would mistake me for a boy. I never wanted to correct them out of embarrassment which only got worse when they realized and tried to apologize. Usually, I just tried to get away quickly enough that they wouldn't notice their mistake or at least I wouldn't have to hear when they did. This happened often enough that when I was a bit older and someone called me a girl, I was surprised and even made a comment to my mom along the lines of "she knows I'm a girl!"

Now that I am older, it happens on the rare occasion depending on how I'm dressed and I suppose what direction they are coming at me from and that embarrassment is still there. Yet, call me a lady or ma'am and I cringe and feel like telling them I ain't no lady! But...

...what the fuck does that make me? I don't feel like I am in the wrong body, hence not trans. However, there are certain parts of being a dude that would be pretty great. I could be bigger and stronger that I could pick elle up and carry her to bed when she falls asleep on the couch. I could have a built in cock so that in the middle of spontaneous fun times, I don't have to be like pause, hold that thought while I get strapped in, not to mention being able to feel what we are doing would be awesome. I don't actually want to be a guy though.

Being seen as a woman, or even just saying that, is just awkward and uncomfortable. I have the bits and tits which I guess makes me female and I don't exactly want to get rid of them either, but my head doesn't quite match up. It doesn't match up with anything and I don't like the feeling of not knowing 'what' I am. I don't feel like I fit in with most guys; I don't feel like I fit in with most women. If someone is attracted to me, what do they see, what am I, what do they expect me to be?

elle says that I am me and I fit with her and that's all that matters, which yes that is very true. She has accepted me as this and we work amazingly together. With her all I need to be is me, same with a few friends. Beyond that I don't know and I just feel lost, alone, alien.

This is a big part of why I am an introvert I think. If I bury my nose in a book my mind is busy with the story and not having to process the image in the mirror or worry about what others are seeing. Being social means needing to fit inside one of two holes and figuring out what side people are consciously or subconsciously expecting me to be on.

I'm sure I confuse some people, especially when I am called Sir. Which I must say, I love to hear.

I seem to be thinking about this a lot lately, maybe because we talk more and more about cucking and/or poly and it makes me so unsure of how to let others know me when I don't know me. It would be a lot easier if life had a back or undo button. I could say something, I could approach someone and if it doesn't go the way I want then I could just hit undo and not feel like a dumbass!

Orgasm Denial and Our Plans for the February long weekend

Three nights ago i had my last orgasm until the February long weekend (the 13-15^th) when Master and i will be attempting a cutting scene again. She will still be using me as Her sex toy during that time but i won’t be allowed to cum. We have set up a punishment structure for if i do go too far and not stop Lee in time. This kind of falls in line with the cuckqueaning idea that we have been fantasizing about. But since Lee doesn’t have a replacement for me and She still has “needs that need fulfilling”, She has continued to fuck me.

i’ve never fully talked about why i want to be cucked and to be honest i’m still not entirely sure why i want it. i think part of it for me is that i love to share what i love. If i am eating something delicious, i want to share it with my table mates. If i know some delightful tidbit of info i want to share it with Lee. i think cucking is kinda the same idea. i love being fucked by Lee and want to share that wonderful experience with another woman (or women, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here!!!) . i also love the humiliation and degrading aspects of being made to watch another woman get to have sex and possibly be beaten by my wife. i want to have a relationship with her too, someone that i could be close to and maybe have a bit of sexy fun together on occasion (to amuse Master, of course!). i also am torn with a love/hate feeling of fully giving up control of something so personal, control of my sexuality. One day down the line i’d love it if Master put me a chastity belt, or i had a piercing done similar to pictures i’ve seen. Don’t get me wrong, right now Master has complete control but having a device of some sort is a very real physical reminder that is hard to ignore so you are constantly reminded that your sex is owned by another person. Hot but scary all at the same time.

Lee and i have role-played me being someone else, Her cuckcake. There is a part of me that enjoys the thought of being the cuckcake too. i have had fantasy snippets of getting to be the one having sex with Lee and having another person be cucked. Co-topping in a scene (not “outside the bedroom”) with me being in a more supportive role rather than a full-fledged “Top” is what i picture, which is in line with what i just mentioned. i did enjoy parts of topping when Lee and i first started out and i topped Her but now i don’t have any desire to do those kinds of things to Her for real, despite the jokes that i might make to Master once in a while. Sometimes i do get turned on by the idea of being the top in a scene with someone other than Lee though and Lee and i have briefly talked in the past about me playing with someone else but nothing has ever been pursued.

On the topic of the cutting, those that know me or have read enough of this blog know i have a history of self-harm, primarily cutting. Lee and i want to work through this limit as it has limited our play. i really want to be able to allow my Master to do anything that She wants and right now i can’t do that. We are planning a whole weekend of events for this and chose this specific day being that we both have the time off that we can have two days after just in case i have a reaction like last time. We’ve talked about renting a nice hotel room for the night and having a staycation day on the Sunday but we haven’t planned anything quite yet. i’ll fill in the details next time i write.

Well, that’s all that’s swirling around in my head right now. Except that we just passed the sixth anniversary of our first date! That’s crazy, it feels both far too short of a time and at the same time too long ago!