Fisting and Rape Play

Play this weekend was fantastic, though it unfortunately didn't start off that way. About ten minutes into our first scene, the leather slapper that I was using wrapped too far around My girl's inner thigh and triggered her. As on a previous occasion she was unable to get out her safe word. She just can't manage to make the word audible when needed, so it took Me about thirty seconds to a minute (I think) to clue in that her crying was not due to the physical pain I was delivering. I stopped immediately to check in and could tell things were not right. She did not move and was just frozen, though crying hard.

I cuddled her and talked to her and eventually she calmed back down. I feel so bad when something like that happens, though accidents obviously do occur. It scares Me that it is now very obvious that when she needs to safe word out she is unable to. After an hour or so of talking and cuddling she seemed free of the trigger. Thankfully no lasting effects this time around. I'm sure it helped that we both knew the next day we had all day together. Once we were calm, in that small little whisper she uses when she is confessing a desire she asked Me to fist her!

We have attempted fisting before and almost gotten there, but this time I made it all the way in and Oh My Goodness! Wow! She was so tight around My fist My fingers were going to sleep. It is quite an amazing feeling and sight to be wrist deep in a tight, wet cunt. That is definitely in the plans to be repeated again and again. Obviously it made her a little tender and say "hell no!" to giving birth, lol. There's some effective birth control for you!

The next day, again in that little whisper elle requested to be raped while she was sore and to be pushed in ways until she begged Me to stop. So later that night we played. After a pretty good struggle that landed Me with some good marks from her :) I managed to get her tied down to the bed. I used her sore hole pretty well, but didn't want to cause too much trauma. She very much does not like when I go down on her, but at the same time wants to learn to tolerate it for My enjoyment so I took this as the perfect opportunity to rape her in a more psychological way and push her limits, while still using My cock in her. It didn't take long for her body to betray her and after forcing an extended clitoral orgasm she was able to use her signal to tell Me she had enough (she was gagged so begging wasn't exactly possible.) During aftercare one of our cats laid down on her stomach and almost instantly she seemed much calmer. Kitty cuddles are very relaxing.

All in all it was a great weekend of playing and reconnecting, even with the stumble of triggering her.

On another note, I seem to be sleeping better. The last few nights, I've had a sleep CD playing during the night. It apparently activates the brainwaves that are supposed to help you fall asleep and stay asleep. So far I think it is going all right and yesterday the wall of exhaustion did not make an appearance, even after hours of housework, today it's still to be seen. I'm feeling very good after the weekend.

Non-consent and makin' love

I am Master, she is slave.

Sometimes it takes her goading and fighting back for My full Master tendencies to appear. I feel I am at the stage in our dynamic where I am fully aware of who I am, but sometimes I need an "excuse" to release My full potential. Such as last night. I intended to use her holes as soon as I decided to start touching her, but I didn't have any plans of a non-consent scene until she started fighting back. She wouldn't stop and instead of ordering her to stop, I decided showing her, her place would be much more fun and effective  in controlling her.

This was the first such scene where I felt the struggle for power in earnest. I know she started fighting just to have a little fun and to get Me going. she wanted Me to take before she would give, though she admitted after she had no idea it would go that far. After a while though, I feel like the struggle was much more real for both of us. My brain switched from "oh, you wanna fight do ya" to "that bitch is gonna get it!" Lol, while being safe and fully aware of her reactions and such, of course.

When we first started on this kinky path, I read about Domme space and never really believed it because it didn't seem like I got anything close to what others described. Lately though, especially with some of our more intense play that really has elle begging and pleading, I've been feeling more and more giddy-like with power, and afterwards I find that it feels quite like a dream when I think back on what happened. It's kind of tunnel vision-esk. I think about last night and I can see it happening and remember that while it was, nothing else existed. I was in it %100 and I just knew that I had to conquer her, knew that I could, and had every right to.

That's right, I said "I had every right to rape My wife." she was misbehaving, even if just playing, and didn't just spread her legs for Me, so after a struggle I forced My fingers into her holes to show they were mine. It wasn't just because I felt like fucking her anymore, it was to make her feel completely owned by Me. Owned and loved to the point that it was in both our best interest for Me to follow through to such an extent and remind her of her place.

And then...and then, when it was all said and done, and she was coming down, she asked me in a very timid voice to make love to her! How wonderful is that. I rape My wife and not ten minutes later does she ask Me to hold her in My arms and make love to her. Getting deeper and deeper into this dynamic just shows the scope of our relationship and how close it brings us. I know this is not for everyone, but for those of us that are in the lifestyle, I feel we have a profound advantage for relationship success when so many raw emotions and actions can be expressed and shared. Nothing is left inside to fester when feelings can be released in such a way.

elle, I don't remember ever thanking you for taking the brave step of broaching the subject of BDSM with Me a year ago, but thank you so much for doing so. It is taking Me some time to come into My own on this, but I feel like I am finally starting to really feel My place here and I truly think it has made our relationship ten time better than I ever though possible with anyone. I love you so much, sometimes only actions can speak so deeply.  

i am Her slave

i think last night Madam was teaching me what it means to be Her slave. I think She pretty much succeeded.

Last night was supposed to be a play night, we were going to have a high protocol scene. I met Madam at work, dressed in a short black skirt , a pink lacy camisole-style top with my pink and orange high heels. We talked and got caught up a bit since we hadn't seen each other since Thursday. Madam asked me if i wanted to or if I'd just prefer we just hang out on the couch and snuggle since it was our only night together this week due to work schedules. i told Her that i'd like to just snuggle and maybe have some "fun in the bedroom" (hint, hint!!). After dinner I served us some coffee and the last of the peach blueberry crisp that i had made on Thursday (that didn't take long to go through, next time i'll have to make a double!!).

Not long after we finished dessert Madam started grabbing at me, my ass, my boobies, what ever She could get Her hands on really. Since my skirt was so short, it made it pretty easy for Her to see and grab at my neither regions. i kept jokingly pushing Her away and telling Her "No!". We played like this for a while the intensity kept building, She started holding my hands back and i kept egging Her on. At some point i managed to sneak free and ran into the kitchen, grabbed a spatula and started swinging. She met my spatula with a whisk and we had a "sword fight" with our kitchen utensils. Eventually She wrestled the spatula away from me and managed to pin me to the ground on my hands and knees. She started spanking me, i crawled away and got up but She followed. We played cat and mouse for a few minutes then somehow i ended up back on my hands and knees pinned to the ground.

She asked me who i was, i replied with my full name. "No! you are slave elle, sometimes just slave" i believe was Her answer. She asked again, and again i replied with my full name. i was being a defiant little slave, i wasn't going to give in without a fight. We went back and forth a few times like this until She announced that She was going to teach me my place and yanked up my skirt and pulled my pink lace panties down to my ankles. She shoved Her fingers ruthlessly into my pussy while telling me who i was to Her. my no's fell on deaf ears. i managed to break free again but not for long and soon i was back on the ground on my knees and face. Her fingers violently entered first my pussy again then as Madam put it "to teach me that both my holes are for Her to use when and how She wants" my ass. She only stopped when She heard the reply She wanted "i am slave elle and you are Master Lee". My pussy was sore but my clit was throbbing…. and soaking wet!!As i lay on the floor of the living room quivering and coming down, my loving Master covered me with a blanket, fed me chocolate and laid with me until i was okay again.

Then i asked Her something that i think surprised Her…"will You make love to me?" and of course She agreed. We moved into our bedroom and She held me in Her strong arms while we made love and i climaxed over and over again. I felt so close to Her, so loved, so wanted.

We talked for a bit about what happened. Lee admitted that non-consent has become much easier for Her, that She no longer feels guilty for forcing Herself upon me, which i'm glad to hear. i apologized for trying to get Her to "rape" me when we started this thing we do, when She wasn't comfortable.

Why do i think She was trying to teach me what it means to be Her slave? i can't really explain it, it's just a feeling i have but i'll try. i think it helped me surrender not only my body but my heart and soul to her. The resistance to giving up total control that i feel sometimes seems to have shed another layer and i am getting that much closer to being a better slave for my Master. She held my very life in Her hands and used that power to reinforce how much She loves me by showing that She wants to control me. She wants to control me because She wants to make sure that i am making the right choices, that i am safe and that i am well taken care of. By controlling me She shows me that She loves me, in a similar way that a parent does with a young child.Does any of this make sense? i hope so cause i don't know if i can explain it any better! lol

Well, i've got to go start getting ready for work.

Thank you Ma'am for a night i will never forget! i love You!!!

My Love/Hate Relationship

i’m not sure if I’ve talked about this before so if i have i apologize but i’ve been thinking about it since it happened (again!) on Friday.

On Friday evening, Madam and i had a shower together. We shower together quite often and i love it. i get to shampoo and wash her and if i’m lucky Madam washes her toy too. We have one of the wand shower heads that has the massage setting on it. Once in a while Madam gets the brilliant idea to give me a massage “down there” which i love to hate.

Well, Friday night was one of those times. i tried to cover myself and turn away but i was told to be a good girl and move my hands and stand still against the wall. my clit is very sensitive and the pressure of the water is usually torture as was the case this time. i begged her to stop over and over but my pleas fell on deaf ears. Up till this point Madam had been “going easy” on me, my outer lips were protecting my clit somewhat. Then She told me to open myself up for Her. Again in vain, i pleaded with Her but i was met with the same command to open up. Realizing that my resistance was futile, i relented and pulled back my protective lips to expose my clit completely to the hard stream.

i screamed as the assault began again. my body bucked and thrashed against the torture. And even though i was imploring Madam to stop i could feel something stirring inside me and my pussy getting wet. “i want you to cum slut” Madam commanded and i could tell that i would soon even though i was saying no. i was deep in sub space by that point.


i could feel the wave of orgasm building stronger every second. As the wave engulfed me i started crying. my body had betrayed my mind, again, as it always ends up doing when Madam uses the water on me.

Madam returned the water to the regular shower setting and put it back in the holder on the wall, wrapped Her arms around me and held me under the stream letting me cry on Her shoulder.

Once i calmed down a bit, the water was shut off and Madam wrapped me in a towel.
Later, laying in bed i asked Madam how it makes Her feel when i say no and beg Her not to “massage” my clit. She told me that for a second She still second guess Herself but quickly realizes that if i actually meant no that i would use my safe word and that then She almost gets giddy with the feeling of power and control that She gets from being able to make me cum even though i “want” Her to stop.

She asked me how it makes me feel. It makes me feel exposed, vulnerable, open, violated (in a good way), controlled, owned. But to sum it up in one word, i feel very submissive.

i love/hate you shower head massager!!!

i love You Madam!!! and i can't wait for next Monday!!!

A Word of Caution.... :)

i am so excited!! Madam and i have been talking about wanting to try another rape scene! Am i a happy little sub?? Yes Ma'am, i am!! Oh!, the thought of being used against my will.... Back to the post ;)

She said that She is feeling more confident about being able to use the force necessary to control me and physically top me even if/when i'm fighting back. Why? Well a couple of reasons really... for instance, our sex in general has become rougher which means She knows how far She can push me. When we first tried to have a rape scene we had not even broached some of the edgier play that i would now consider to be part of our regular play. Also, She now believes me that i want and enjoy when it hurts, physically and emotionally... apparently smiling like an idiot when talking about it later is a good indicator that one enjoyed the activity being mentioned and i've been doing a lot of smiling after some fun stuff that's been going on in the bedroom lol!

But can i just put out a quick suggestion to fellow subs and say that it's never in your best interest to say anything along the lines of the following... "Either i have gotten used to Your spankings, Madam or You aren't hitting as hard as You used to." Not in your best interest, i do not suggest that one ever say that their Domme is not hitting "hard enough"... Especially when the answer you get is " No slut, i'm hitting you harder than before" accented with a look that tells me that was not the best i could have said. But those who know me will know that i do not have a filter at times. That, i believe is why got a spanking that had tears welling up in my eyes a bit last night. :) As well as other delicious things!


The only thing worse a sub could do would be to say they want to be used without being allowed to orgasm themselves for days possibly.... but we won't say that!

Finding Our Way

Before i start the actual post for today i just want to say thank you to the person who posted a comment on my last entry. And to anyone else who is reading, i know i don't really ask for advice or suggestions but Madam and i are more than happy to receive any and all. Please follow and/or comment if you like a post or the blog in general.

These last few days have been better. i still don't feel quite as submissive as in the beginning but we're working on things.

i was out of the house on Wednesday and Thursday nights and that gave Lee some time alone, which is a good thing since she hasn't had any in months really. And it was nice to do my own thing. We decided that until i am working that i am going to try to give Her a night each week to Herself while i go to the local rec center, go for coffee with a friend, etc. Maybe this alone time will give her time to focus on all the things She wants to get done that She puts off when i'm around like Her writing, reading and blogging.

After reading my last post Madam and i tried to have a conversation about what i had written but it didn't go well and by the time we went to bed i was very close to calling the whole D/s aspect of our relationship off. That night i didn't remove my clothes the way i'm supposed to and Madam made me put them back on and do it properly, which i fought against but did end up doing. Rather than laying across her lap for my nightly maintenance spanking i just climbed into bed, making Madam demand that i get across her lap and when i refused she physically moved me into position. The worst thing i did though was after the spanking She always asks me who owns me and i told Her nobody and i wouldn't say my mantra when She took off my collar. i got a good beating with the cane for my actions that night but even during that i refused to submit and let her keep hitting me, i couldn't stop myself from being defiant and stubborn.

The next day i was still acting distant but by the time we went to bed i had started to turn around a bit. Madam apologised for punishing me in anger and explained why She thought it was necessary to do it at that moment rather than waiting (waiting would have only made me think that i was right about Her not being dominating and would have weakened our Dom/sub bond to a potentially dangerous level). i agree with Her reason and even though i feel like it isn't usually best to punish when you're angry, i think for Madam She need to or She will be too soft on me.

After i gave Madam Her nightly pleasure on Thursday night She decided She wanted to taste me, which is something that i need to be either extremely horny to enjoy or extremely submissive to feel comfortable having Her do. i was neither but i did want to show Lee that i was trying to make things better too. i think She knew that and was trying to see how far She could push me. She also ordered me to masturbate to orgasm 5 times before stopping. i was in a small panic, i can't orgasm more than once on my clit without a break and i have never been able to make myself cum from penetration. i told her that that was basically impossible. She revised the order to me being filled by Her cock for at least an hour to get myself worked up and minimum one orgasm but that i was to try for more. She told me not to panic, that we will work on me being able to have multiple clit orgasms but for now not to worry about it too much. i only managed one; it took me almost an hour.

i realize now that my acting out was most likely a call to Madam to be more dominating. I still have my reservations about submitting fully again cause i don't want to give up everything if She isn't ready to have it. It was a fairly major blow to me and i don't want to even think about what would happen if Lee dropped the ball again.

i felt very little yesterday and again today. Lee and i talked about what age we think i am when i'm little the other day and we've decided it's around 8 or so (just as an fyi). It's interesting, i've felt little for short periods of time, a couple hours max, but all day yesterday and so far all day today. Normally Lee and i sleep naked but She recognized how little i was feeling and suggested i sleep in a nightie and She sleep in her boxers and an undershirt which i was very grateful for. i also slept with Francine (my Cabbage Patch doll that i have had since i was like 3). After my spanking i had big girl feelings "down there" which Poppi was very good at helping me understand. i am so lucky to have such a caring and supportive Poppi.

i admitted to Madam on Thursday night that i think She is going to have to force me back into deeper submission. i asked Her to rape me. i want Her to beat me until i beg to be Her slave. i want to scream, cry, be humiliated, have my pussy used until it's raw and sore. i need to hurt during and after. i need to really know that She is in control, that She owns my life, my breath. i didn't tell her the last bits but She will know after reading this i guess. She said that She wants to. i don't know when exactly it will happen but i hope soon. And i hope it works.

i realize that this wasn't quite in chronological order but it's just how thoughts came out so i apologize for the scattered-ness of the post!