Thursday, March 31, 2011
30 Days of Kink- Day 6
Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy. i don’t know if this falls in the categories of weirdest or most interesting fantasy here's a story of an edgy story that is somewhat of a fantasy of mine. the fantasy starts with me being kidnapped, either as i’m walking home, just got home or when i’m sleeping. Sometimes there is more than one kidnapper but usually just one. He tells me that he has seen me kissing another woman and that he is going to “straighten me up”. i am beaten and raped, if at home, and a gag is secured tightly in my mouth. He drags me into a waiting cargo style van. The back of the van has chains attached to the ceiling, my wrists are locked into them and i’m made to kneel on the cold metal floor. My kidnapper plays loud heavy metal music. We drive around in what feels like circles but there are no windows for me to see where we are actually going so i quickly become disorientated. When the van stops we are in front of a rundown house on a street that i don‘t recognize. i am hauled out of the van, my knees weak from kneeling for so long, into the house. Inside there is a woman waiting for me. She is wearing all black, her hair is pulled tightly back and her eyes are so harsh i think that they are going to pierce through me. She has one hand on her hip and the other holds a crop. She and my kidnapper exchange words in a language that i don’t understand, some sort of eastern European, maybe Russian. She gives him a wad of cash, he turns around and walks out the door, spitting on my face as he passes. After the door shuts the woman orders me to my knees. She asks me if i know where i am and why i am here in her heavy accent. i start to cry while trying to tell her that my kidnapper had only said that he was going to straighten me up. At this she cackles. The woman proceeds to tell me that this is a brothel, that my kidnapper is one of the men she pays to find her new girls. The woman rings a bell and a thin timid looking girl comes in and leads me out of the room and down a dark fight of stairs. i am chained to a wall like a medieval prisoner in a dungeon for the night. i can hear others in the room with me but i cannot tell how many are there. Periodically the timid girl comes in and unchains someone and leads them up the stairs, but i stay there for what feels like the rest of the night. In the morning another girl comes down and unchains all of us. She has turned on a few lights i can see that there are about a dozen or so of us in the room, mostly women but there are two men as well. The girl puts a bucket down, hands each of us a spoon and leaves. The others dive at the bucket so i join them. The bucket contains some sort of gruel and i take a spoonful. It tastes terrible but seeing the way the others eat i wonder if this is all we are going to get to eat all day so i force myself to eat as much as i can. Once the bucket is empty i try to talk to some of the others but nobody will answer any of my questions. Soon there are footsteps on the stairs; the timid girl from last night appears. Without a word she grabs me by the wrist and pulls me to my feet. We head upstairs. Above ground again i quickly scan my surroundings for an escape but the girl must have sensed what i was doing because she tells me that there is no escape. i am lead to a room, a library, and the woman i met last night is sitting behind a desk. When she sees us in the doorway she tells the timid girl that she can go and orders me to enter the room. The woman tells me that i may address her only as Mistress. It is now that i learn my fate. My apartment is being stripped, anything of value being sold and the rest will be disposed of, my bank accounts will be emptied and closed. i am ordered to write a letter to my girlfriend telling her that i have runaway with another woman. i will be able to work my way out of the brothel, i am told. 10% what each client pays will be put towards that but first i have to pay off what Mistress paid my kidnapper. If i ever need medical care or have any other expenses that will come out of my earning too. The other 90% goes toward food, lodging, upkeep and, of course, Mistress’s cut. During the day the slaves, as i have now found out Mistress calls us, are responsible for cleaning the house, preparing food for that evening’s clients and serving any daytime clients that may stop in. Mistress explains that a client may use a slave however they choose, with the exception that condoms must always be used for intercourse. The first night i serve three clients. The first was cruel. He knew that i was a lesbian, that he was my first client; he had paid extra to be “my first man”. He used all of my holes ruthlessly and came on my face. The other two were a husband and wife. They took turns beating me with various crops, canes and paddles that seemed to be in a never ending supply from a duffle bag they brought with them. He made me go down on his wife while he fucked my ass. At dawn after the last of the clients had left the timid girl came to escort us slaves down to the dungeon to our chains to sleep. And that’s how the next five years of my life went, being beaten, fucked used in what ever way was wanted. And when not in use i was in chains. Mistress was a woman of her word and the end of my time came quickly. Mistress had me brought to the library, the same place where i learned my fate that first day. She told me that i was one of the most popular slaves she had ever had. She offered me a permanent position. i wouldn't be a slave any more, i would be an employee. i had seen a few employees in the time that i was a slave, they were treated very well. They could say no to a client and had the freedom to come and go as they pleased when they weren't working. They retained 75% of what the client paid. Most of them had rooms upstairs in the house. i told Mistress that i would be honoured to work for her but that i wanted to live on my own. She agreed and even gave me an advance so that i could get what ever i needed to get settled. When i first got out thought of looking for my old girlfriend and explaining to her what happened but i decided that she wouldn't approve so i decided that it was best to let the past stay in the past. Every weekend i return to Mistress and her brothel and enjoy every minute of being used. Will i ever stop and resume a normal life and career? Why would i when i’m doing what i love to do!?!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Tipping the Velvet
Posted March 26/11
Warning: this post may get a bit TIM. i’m going to talk about cunnilingus, eating out, going down, muff diving, tipping the velvet, what ever you want to call it so please be prepared to read some possibly graphic descriptions of Madam’s and my sex life. Well then, on with the show…
i don’t get it. Why do i have such problems with Madam diving into my muff?!?
There are times when i love and want Madam to go down on me and i really, truly enjoy it. About 99.5% of the time that is after She’s been fucking me other ways and i am extremely turned on.
i am not embarrassed about Her seeing my naked body. Although being examined is a bit humiliating but i am okay with it. (i like some humiliation in a scene, it helps put me into a more submissive head space)
i have never really enjoyed oral sex, though i have never told a partner until Lee. In the past i just tried to divert the person or fake an orgasm really quickly to get it over with if the diversion techniques didn't prove to be successful. i have a sensitive clit and often the sensation of a tongue on it tickles or just feels generally unpleasant. i guess that’s part of it. i physically don’t enjoy it. But that’s only part of it cause as i said a second ago there are times that i do enjoy it immensely.
Another bit is what i think every woman worries about, am i clean enough right now? Do i smell, do i taste bad, etc.? Also i wonder if i’m clean shaven enough or if I’m going to feel like a cactus. i have never had anyone tell me that i have any of said problems but those thoughts run through my head every time. Sometimes in a scene Madam does tell me that She can smell me and i find that to be incredibly humiliating/embarrassing.
The last part of the problem is being submissive. If i’m not 100% into the head space of my body belongs to Madam and She may do as She pleases with it then i feel very unsubmissive.
Lee and i have new rules, etc. that we decided to focus on. One thing She told me that was part of it was that She wants to train me to accept and enjoy Her going down on me because She enjoys “tasting me” as She put it. When She told me this i think my face went white. i really wasn't happy about the prospect of Her being down there more frequently but She did agree to take it slow and try to make sure that i was already aroused before heading south. So i agreed. But really what choice did i have? After all she is in charge.
We had been planning on playing last night for a couple of days now but the scene that Madam had been planning wasn't going to work so She had to switch to Plan B. Plan B was a game of me begging to switch activities, She was going to continue to do something until i sufficiently begged Her to switch. i had to beg
Her for a specific activity and implement. For example, She smacked my ass and thighs with a wide blade plastic spatula (that i had originally bought for flipping pancakes and other large items but i didn't end up liking so it got repurposed lol!) and i had to beg Her to switch to flogging my back with a light flogger.
Sorry i got a bit off topic there for a second. The reason that i tell you about the scene is because Madam decided that She would pick the first activity, She was going to go down on me. i was told that i could start to beg for the next thing as soon as Her tongue hit my cunt so i immediately decided what it would be even before i laid down. i really didn't want Her to be “there” because i had just gone pee ( and She knew that) but i thought that i only had to endure it a short time so i didn't protest. But as soon She started to make her way to my clit i got so overwhelmed that i couldn't remember what i was going to ask for or any other activity… all i knew was that i wanted Her to stop licking me. i managed to get out “please” but when Madam said “please what?” i was stuck. “Please anything” as the flood of tears poured down my cheeks. After She calmed me down somewhat we talked for a bit. i got myself under control and we then got to playing and ended the night well.
But that doesn't mean that i still don’t feel guilty about making Lee feel bad. i think that my dislike of cunnilingus is getting worse and i don’t know how to reverse that trend. i have already decided that if we were to play with others it would be a hard limit. i worry that it’ll become one with Madam too and i really don’t want that because i want to be as open and available for Her as she wants. i don’t want to have limits with Her.
Warning: this post may get a bit TIM. i’m going to talk about cunnilingus, eating out, going down, muff diving, tipping the velvet, what ever you want to call it so please be prepared to read some possibly graphic descriptions of Madam’s and my sex life. Well then, on with the show…
i don’t get it. Why do i have such problems with Madam diving into my muff?!?
There are times when i love and want Madam to go down on me and i really, truly enjoy it. About 99.5% of the time that is after She’s been fucking me other ways and i am extremely turned on.
i am not embarrassed about Her seeing my naked body. Although being examined is a bit humiliating but i am okay with it. (i like some humiliation in a scene, it helps put me into a more submissive head space)
i have never really enjoyed oral sex, though i have never told a partner until Lee. In the past i just tried to divert the person or fake an orgasm really quickly to get it over with if the diversion techniques didn't prove to be successful. i have a sensitive clit and often the sensation of a tongue on it tickles or just feels generally unpleasant. i guess that’s part of it. i physically don’t enjoy it. But that’s only part of it cause as i said a second ago there are times that i do enjoy it immensely.
Another bit is what i think every woman worries about, am i clean enough right now? Do i smell, do i taste bad, etc.? Also i wonder if i’m clean shaven enough or if I’m going to feel like a cactus. i have never had anyone tell me that i have any of said problems but those thoughts run through my head every time. Sometimes in a scene Madam does tell me that She can smell me and i find that to be incredibly humiliating/embarrassing.
The last part of the problem is being submissive. If i’m not 100% into the head space of my body belongs to Madam and She may do as She pleases with it then i feel very unsubmissive.
Lee and i have new rules, etc. that we decided to focus on. One thing She told me that was part of it was that She wants to train me to accept and enjoy Her going down on me because She enjoys “tasting me” as She put it. When She told me this i think my face went white. i really wasn't happy about the prospect of Her being down there more frequently but She did agree to take it slow and try to make sure that i was already aroused before heading south. So i agreed. But really what choice did i have? After all she is in charge.
We had been planning on playing last night for a couple of days now but the scene that Madam had been planning wasn't going to work so She had to switch to Plan B. Plan B was a game of me begging to switch activities, She was going to continue to do something until i sufficiently begged Her to switch. i had to beg
Her for a specific activity and implement. For example, She smacked my ass and thighs with a wide blade plastic spatula (that i had originally bought for flipping pancakes and other large items but i didn't end up liking so it got repurposed lol!) and i had to beg Her to switch to flogging my back with a light flogger.
Sorry i got a bit off topic there for a second. The reason that i tell you about the scene is because Madam decided that She would pick the first activity, She was going to go down on me. i was told that i could start to beg for the next thing as soon as Her tongue hit my cunt so i immediately decided what it would be even before i laid down. i really didn't want Her to be “there” because i had just gone pee ( and She knew that) but i thought that i only had to endure it a short time so i didn't protest. But as soon She started to make her way to my clit i got so overwhelmed that i couldn't remember what i was going to ask for or any other activity… all i knew was that i wanted Her to stop licking me. i managed to get out “please” but when Madam said “please what?” i was stuck. “Please anything” as the flood of tears poured down my cheeks. After She calmed me down somewhat we talked for a bit. i got myself under control and we then got to playing and ended the night well.
But that doesn't mean that i still don’t feel guilty about making Lee feel bad. i think that my dislike of cunnilingus is getting worse and i don’t know how to reverse that trend. i have already decided that if we were to play with others it would be a hard limit. i worry that it’ll become one with Madam too and i really don’t want that because i want to be as open and available for Her as she wants. i don’t want to have limits with Her.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Changes are happening
Lee and i have decided that we need to make some adjustments to the way we have been operating. For the last few days we even paused the D/s part of our relationship, last night was the first time i have worn Her collar since Saturday.
We jumped into 24/7 very quickly without giving ourselves and each other time to adjust to the huge changes that power exchange has on a couple, especially one that had been vanilla to start with. Neither one of us were "naturals" in our roles, as i have mentioned time and time again, so there was/is a steep learning curve involved as well.
Last night we had a really good talk about where to go from here. Lee has been busy the last few days reading and trying to come up with a "game plan" for us. We have decided to take a big step back and really focus building a stronger more stable foundation that we can build on. We are going to concentrate our efforts on things that Lee and i feel are important to our dynamic and toss the stuff that we thought was important in the beginning but turns out means little to nothing to either one of us.
For now we are going to leave the rules that we had posted on this blog up but we are not following them for the most part. In case you care to see what rituals/protocols/rules we have i am going to post an update on that page.
One thing we didn't talk about too much was how me going back to work is going to affect things like chores. When i was at work the last two days Lee did them but i would like to get into a routine of doing them myself more once i get used to working again (holy crap am i not used to it right now lol!!!). Of course i will probably need Her help once in a while but if we’re both working then those responsibilities will fall to me more so.
Getting to kneel before Madam and say my mantra this morning was such an incredible feeling, i have missed it so much and realize now how much i took what She did do for granted. i was so focused on what she/i/we weren't doing the way i wanted that i overlooked what we were doing that i enjoyed. i need to (and am going to work much harder to) keep that in mind when i feel like things aren't 100%. Just because some things aren't perfect doesn't meant that everything is terrible. i am trying to work on that attitude for not only our dynamic but in general as i have a tendency to "throw the baby out with the bath water".
So if you’re interested the update please check it out on the page that has been re-titled Rules, Rituals and Protocols.
Oh and one other thing... We're going to our first play party-Domlander-this weekend! We don't plan on playing, we're just going to see the show, socialize and watch others play. (there's a fashion show and comedic competition before the actual play party) i promise to give a review of how it went ;)
And, as always, please feel free to leave comments, suggestions or questions on this or any other post. And if you like what you read here please follow or subscribe to our blog.
We jumped into 24/7 very quickly without giving ourselves and each other time to adjust to the huge changes that power exchange has on a couple, especially one that had been vanilla to start with. Neither one of us were "naturals" in our roles, as i have mentioned time and time again, so there was/is a steep learning curve involved as well.
Last night we had a really good talk about where to go from here. Lee has been busy the last few days reading and trying to come up with a "game plan" for us. We have decided to take a big step back and really focus building a stronger more stable foundation that we can build on. We are going to concentrate our efforts on things that Lee and i feel are important to our dynamic and toss the stuff that we thought was important in the beginning but turns out means little to nothing to either one of us.
For now we are going to leave the rules that we had posted on this blog up but we are not following them for the most part. In case you care to see what rituals/protocols/rules we have i am going to post an update on that page.
One thing we didn't talk about too much was how me going back to work is going to affect things like chores. When i was at work the last two days Lee did them but i would like to get into a routine of doing them myself more once i get used to working again (holy crap am i not used to it right now lol!!!). Of course i will probably need Her help once in a while but if we’re both working then those responsibilities will fall to me more so.
Getting to kneel before Madam and say my mantra this morning was such an incredible feeling, i have missed it so much and realize now how much i took what She did do for granted. i was so focused on what she/i/we weren't doing the way i wanted that i overlooked what we were doing that i enjoyed. i need to (and am going to work much harder to) keep that in mind when i feel like things aren't 100%. Just because some things aren't perfect doesn't meant that everything is terrible. i am trying to work on that attitude for not only our dynamic but in general as i have a tendency to "throw the baby out with the bath water".
So if you’re interested the update please check it out on the page that has been re-titled Rules, Rituals and Protocols.
Oh and one other thing... We're going to our first play party-Domlander-this weekend! We don't plan on playing, we're just going to see the show, socialize and watch others play. (there's a fashion show and comedic competition before the actual play party) i promise to give a review of how it went ;)
And, as always, please feel free to leave comments, suggestions or questions on this or any other post. And if you like what you read here please follow or subscribe to our blog.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Life and More Bitching
This was written on Thursday evening and i hadn't decided at the time if i would post it. Lee insisted that i do so here it is.
Oh and another thing before i do post it. i want to make something clear. i write more when i'm upset rather than when i'm happy and feeling good. i think this is common amongst journallers but because of this it appears that Lee isn't "living up to being a good Domme". i would like everyone to know right now once and for all, She most definitely is, as well as a good (future) wife and partner. She is on a very steep upward climb right now and i fail to remember that sometimes.
One final note. I haven't written much about my personal life outside of kink. This post was supposed to be about my career and it just kinda morphed into me bitching (once again :( i'm sorry) about how i feel about Madam's domination of me. i am a nurse, an LPN to be exact. i have wanted to be a nurse since i was a little girl. i was a Candystriper (youth hospital volunteer) all through high school. i dreamed of working in the busiest, most intense units, doing the most challenging gory work possible. i graduated from college in September and have been looking for a job only occasionally as i have been enjoying being a housewife/stay at home sub for Madam.
So without further ado here is the post (just a reminder it was written on Thursday late afternoon/evening):
A few hours ago i got offered a job. It’s not my dream job but it’s a nursing job so it’s a step in the right direction. So why am i sitting here with tears running down my face? Why am i not happy, relieved that i will be able to help pay our bills and otherwise lessen the burden of financially supporting us that i have been putting Madam under for the last 6 months?
But no, i sit here so unmotivated that i can’t do anything but cry. i texted Madam telling Her how i feel but Her responses didn’t help any, in fact I’d say they almost did the opposite. She told me to remember the reward of play (if i do all my chores satisfactorily three days in a row we have some sort of play) but at this moment i couldn’t care less about it. i wish i could get up off the couch and do my chores and all the other stuff i had planned for today but my body feels like lead.
Madam just phoned cause i told Her that i was crying. i could tell that She was trying to make me feel better but it didn’t really work. i apologized for saying that i didn’t care. She has relieved me of my chores for the day which makes me feel even worse cause i feel like i’ve let Her down and need to be treated like some fragile porcelain doll.
i want this job but i don’t at the same time. i want to be in a hospital, using all the skills that i learned in school. At a nursing home i will basically be giving out meds pretty much all day long. Exactly what i didn’t want to do. And now i’m going to be travelling over an hour each way on the bus to do it!! But i should be thankful that i have a job, right? i mean a nursing job. i could be working at Starbucks like so many other college/university educated folk are.
i don’t want to work in a fucking nursing home!!!! i said that about my final placement in school (acute rehab) and ended up loving it though so I’m hoping that it’ll end up that i at least like it and can tolerate it for a while for the money. i also hope that it will boost my confidence in looking for more positions.
The other day i had a thought. What about offering my nursing skills to kinksters? i don’t know how many would need real nursing services but since i am kinky as well, if someone needed home nursing i would be able to provide my services and they wouldn’t have to worry about feeling like they had to put away the toys or avoid mentioning their questions about when they can resume playing safely and such.
Madam wants me to have a bath ready for Her when She gets home from work. She wants to cuddle and be able to talk while we relax. Part of me wants that while another part of me wants Her to punish me for not doing anything today. i thirive on routine and structure, when i feel like i do today and let that all fall by the wayside it would be nice to have Her show that She cares about it too. i think that if She had told me that if i didn’t do my chores, or at least some of them that She would be disappointed, upset with me, etc. that would have made me feel guilty about flaking out enough to get my ass in gear. And if She were to punish me for not doing them when She gets home then maybe next time i’m feeling like this i’ll remember the punishment that i received and that will help motivate me then. Also, as i said i thrive on structure and routine and having Her reinforce that would help show me that She cares about what i deep down really care about. There is a part of me that had wanted Her to empathize with how I’m feeling but say something along the lines of “it’s in your and our best interest to maintain your routine. I want you to clean the litter box and sweep right now and text me in five minutes when they are done”. i know She doesn’t like to push me but sometimes i turn to Her hoping to get the push i need to get my ass moving. i don’t think i’ve ever gotten it though. Sometimes i wish She would give me some “tough love”.
i realize that if the dishes don’t get done, the litter boxes don’t get scooped out or the floors don’t get swept that the world isn’t going to crumble but now tomorrow I’m going to have extra chores (on top of daily ones i have semi weekly, weekly, biweekly and monthly ones scheduled for various days). For example, on top of the daily chores i was supposed to vacuum, blog and clean the bathroom, except the tub. Tomorrow’s extra chores are to empty the recycling, wash the hall and bathroom floors, find and recite a reading and tidy the coat/storage closet. i also need to make some lunches for the freezer and bake some muffins. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. Let’s just hope i don’t feel this way again, in fact i need to feel about the exact opposite.
Oh and another thing before i do post it. i want to make something clear. i write more when i'm upset rather than when i'm happy and feeling good. i think this is common amongst journallers but because of this it appears that Lee isn't "living up to being a good Domme". i would like everyone to know right now once and for all, She most definitely is, as well as a good (future) wife and partner. She is on a very steep upward climb right now and i fail to remember that sometimes.
One final note. I haven't written much about my personal life outside of kink. This post was supposed to be about my career and it just kinda morphed into me bitching (once again :( i'm sorry) about how i feel about Madam's domination of me. i am a nurse, an LPN to be exact. i have wanted to be a nurse since i was a little girl. i was a Candystriper (youth hospital volunteer) all through high school. i dreamed of working in the busiest, most intense units, doing the most challenging gory work possible. i graduated from college in September and have been looking for a job only occasionally as i have been enjoying being a housewife/stay at home sub for Madam.
So without further ado here is the post (just a reminder it was written on Thursday late afternoon/evening):
A few hours ago i got offered a job. It’s not my dream job but it’s a nursing job so it’s a step in the right direction. So why am i sitting here with tears running down my face? Why am i not happy, relieved that i will be able to help pay our bills and otherwise lessen the burden of financially supporting us that i have been putting Madam under for the last 6 months?
But no, i sit here so unmotivated that i can’t do anything but cry. i texted Madam telling Her how i feel but Her responses didn’t help any, in fact I’d say they almost did the opposite. She told me to remember the reward of play (if i do all my chores satisfactorily three days in a row we have some sort of play) but at this moment i couldn’t care less about it. i wish i could get up off the couch and do my chores and all the other stuff i had planned for today but my body feels like lead.
Madam just phoned cause i told Her that i was crying. i could tell that She was trying to make me feel better but it didn’t really work. i apologized for saying that i didn’t care. She has relieved me of my chores for the day which makes me feel even worse cause i feel like i’ve let Her down and need to be treated like some fragile porcelain doll.
i want this job but i don’t at the same time. i want to be in a hospital, using all the skills that i learned in school. At a nursing home i will basically be giving out meds pretty much all day long. Exactly what i didn’t want to do. And now i’m going to be travelling over an hour each way on the bus to do it!! But i should be thankful that i have a job, right? i mean a nursing job. i could be working at Starbucks like so many other college/university educated folk are.
i don’t want to work in a fucking nursing home!!!! i said that about my final placement in school (acute rehab) and ended up loving it though so I’m hoping that it’ll end up that i at least like it and can tolerate it for a while for the money. i also hope that it will boost my confidence in looking for more positions.
The other day i had a thought. What about offering my nursing skills to kinksters? i don’t know how many would need real nursing services but since i am kinky as well, if someone needed home nursing i would be able to provide my services and they wouldn’t have to worry about feeling like they had to put away the toys or avoid mentioning their questions about when they can resume playing safely and such.
Madam wants me to have a bath ready for Her when She gets home from work. She wants to cuddle and be able to talk while we relax. Part of me wants that while another part of me wants Her to punish me for not doing anything today. i thirive on routine and structure, when i feel like i do today and let that all fall by the wayside it would be nice to have Her show that She cares about it too. i think that if She had told me that if i didn’t do my chores, or at least some of them that She would be disappointed, upset with me, etc. that would have made me feel guilty about flaking out enough to get my ass in gear. And if She were to punish me for not doing them when She gets home then maybe next time i’m feeling like this i’ll remember the punishment that i received and that will help motivate me then. Also, as i said i thrive on structure and routine and having Her reinforce that would help show me that She cares about what i deep down really care about. There is a part of me that had wanted Her to empathize with how I’m feeling but say something along the lines of “it’s in your and our best interest to maintain your routine. I want you to clean the litter box and sweep right now and text me in five minutes when they are done”. i know She doesn’t like to push me but sometimes i turn to Her hoping to get the push i need to get my ass moving. i don’t think i’ve ever gotten it though. Sometimes i wish She would give me some “tough love”.
i realize that if the dishes don’t get done, the litter boxes don’t get scooped out or the floors don’t get swept that the world isn’t going to crumble but now tomorrow I’m going to have extra chores (on top of daily ones i have semi weekly, weekly, biweekly and monthly ones scheduled for various days). For example, on top of the daily chores i was supposed to vacuum, blog and clean the bathroom, except the tub. Tomorrow’s extra chores are to empty the recycling, wash the hall and bathroom floors, find and recite a reading and tidy the coat/storage closet. i also need to make some lunches for the freezer and bake some muffins. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. Let’s just hope i don’t feel this way again, in fact i need to feel about the exact opposite.
Monday, March 14, 2011
30 Days of Kink-Day 11
Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?
Let’s start with a definition. Ethics (as defined by dictionary.com) are:
1. a system of moral principles
2. the rules of conduct recognized in respect to a particular class of human actions or a particular group, culture, etc.
So what does that mean for kinksters? To me it means that all parties involved are following the set of guidelines set out for that relationship/scene/encounter.
There are some principles that i think most people in the lifestyle would agree on, such as safer sex practices, negotiation of a scene before play (including limits), expectations for the relationship (what kind of relationship is this? a one time play, casual play partners, an Owner/pet, D/s, M/s or something else?) i’m sure there are many more that I’m just not thinking of at the moment. But those aren’t really ethics individually, put together maybe they are.
i think the biggest aspect of ethical kink would be SSC or RACK (i would imagine that all of you know what those acronyms mean but just in case someone doesn‘t they are Safe, Sane, Consensual and Risk-Aware Consensual Kink)…
In defining the acronyms SCC and RACK i think i just realized the point that i want to try to make with this whole ethics thing… both highlight the need for both/all parties being in consent of the activities taking place. Without consent much of what takes place in a D/s relationship or play would be considered abuse or even assault. Now i don’t mean that when Madam needs my consent to smack me across the face when ever She feels like it (let’s be honest, for us it’s usually when i’m being bad and deserve it anyways) or that She has to ask me every day if i am still okay with Her ordering me around. But if i had never agreed to a 24/7 relationship and She started doing said activities then, yes, She would be out of line. i give my consent every day by agreeing to wear Her collar. If i ever decided that i didn’t want this arrangement anymore then it would be up to me to talk with Madam and tell Her why i cannot wear Her collar anymore. To me this is one area that She would not be able to tell me what to do, She cannot force me to be Her sub.
i have digressed from the topic at hand…
Engaging in BDSM puts one at odds with the greater societal ethical principle of do no harm and respect each other. Because of that kinksters have to be especially careful that they are still maintaining a standard of ethics in their relationship(s) and in play. If your partner(s) and the community (if you’re involved in it) can talk about you positively then you are probably maintaining ethics.
Even though i am Madam’s sub and possibly one day Her slave She still respects me as a person. i am Hers to do with as She pleases as long as i don’t suffer unwantedly. She respects that i have needs, desires, feelings and opinions.
i guess it all comes down to consent and respect.
Well, that was a bunch of babble and i'm going to leave it there. I’m not sure if i said what i wanted to but writing this did make me think so that’s a good thing.
In doing a bit of research i came across an essay by David Stein, the man who coined the phrase “Safe Sane Consensual”. i found it on the Sagacity website http://sagacitygroup.net/main/knowledge/thoughts/principles i thought it made some really good points so i thought i'd add it to my post.
Some Principles of Ethical BDSM
Aim at excellence in all that you do
Otherwise, why bother? There are much easier ways to get off. Everyone who comes under your hand, or whom you submit to or serve, should be better off for the experience. Does this mean humiliation or degradation have no place in ethical BDSM? As training tools, they do; as goals, no.
Be honest
Withhold no necessary information. Never promise what you can't deliver. Acknowledged roles and fantasies aside, don't pretend to be what or who you're not.
Do no harm
Giving (or accepting) pain is okay. Marks may be okay, even permanent ones. Temporary disabilities may be okay if complete healing is to be expected. Even helping someone die who's irreparably damaged and ready to go might be okay. But inflicting permanent harm that diminishes the quality of life or the ability to function in society and to earn a living is not okay. If you break your toys, you can't play with them anymore. And if you're a bottom, submissive or slave, if you demoralize your tops or Masters, no one will want to play with, control, or own you anymore.
Neither inflict nor accept pain unintentionally
Causing indiscriminate, unintentional pain is the mark of a bully or a dolt, while accepting pain as simply one's lot in life is a victim mentality. Sadism and Mastery are about control and the ethical dimension requires control of the sadist or Master's own impulsive behavior. But the same goes for bottoms, submissives, and slaves, who can inflict enormous pain on their partners - or themselves without meaning to, simply by acting without thinking first. And they should also take care not to accept pain they don't want, especially without a context that makes it meaningful (such as serving a beloved Dominant or Master). Pain in BDSM ought to be a deliberate transaction, not an accident or a byproduct.
Take responsibility for assessing and reducing risk
Risk-reduction is not the exclusive responsibility of the top or Master. Everyone needs to become informed about the risks involved in whatever kind of scene is in the offing and decide whether they're worth running, as well as how to reduce them as much as reasonably possible. Being careless or stupid isn't "hot"...it's just careless or stupid.
BDSM is not covert therapy
Don't trap an s/m partner, let alone a D/s partner into filling a therapist's role. Unless you discuss it with your partner ahead of time, keep your personal shit out of the dungeon. If you have specific psychic or emotional trigger points, make sure your partner knows about them beforehand and make sure he or she can be trusted to avoid triggering them.
Everyone should feel good about it when it's over
With few exceptions, unless you leave your partner(s) wanting to do it again, the session wasn't right. Ideally, the same should be true of a relationship when it's over (this is much harder, but even more important).
Right is better than "right now"
Learn to wait for the right moment, the right partner, the right time to present itself. Don't be afraid to say, "Thank you, no," or "Not now." Learn to listen to your gut the right way not the part that screams, "Feed me!" but the part that whispers, "No, there's something wrong here" or "Yes, this is it. Go for it!"
Kinky people are still people
Even when we're puppies or ponies, Masters or Goddesses, slaves or toys, no one is invulnerable, unfeeling, or unworthy of the presumption of respect.
Treat others better than yourself
Don't shortchange them the way you often do yourself. Treat others the way you'd treat yourself if you had time for it...if you weren't feeling so guilty...if you didn't have all these deadline pressures...if you didn't have higher priorities...if you weren't a closet masochist...
Finish what you start
Don't take control of a bottom's mind unless you know how to return it again when you're finished. Don't break a bottom or a slave you're not prepared to put back together again. Don't enter training without intending to complete it, come what may (barring only the most extreme circumstances). Don't walk out of a scene partway through; if there's provocation that can't be ignored, step aside and calm down, then come back and finish it. If you enter a contractual D/s or M/s relationship, fulfill your end of the bargain no matter what; even though you can walk away without legal consequences, you forfeit your honor. (Caveat: Don't enter such a contract unless there are provisions for honorable release if either party comes to find the terms intolerable.)
Don't mess with someone's livelihood or family
Unless someone explicitly invites you into the parts of her or his life that concern family or making a living, it's best to assume these are off limits. Therefore, nothing should occur during a session that might threaten those areas unless consent is secured in advance, before any action starts. For instance: shaving the head or eyebrows, piercings, tattooing, preventing someone from reporting in to work or calling family members. The same goes for a bottom, sub or slave encroaching on a partner's private space, like calling a number you were told not to use or interacting with his/her work colleagues or family members even though you haven't been introduced.
Don't take your partner(s) for granted
Depend on them, count on them, lean on them as needed and appropriate, but never, ever lose the awareness that their presence in your life is a gift and a grace, not an entitlement, not even a quid pro quo. This is so whether you are a top or a bottom, a Master or a slave, a Dominant or a submissive, or even a switch. Having one or more partners you can count on, whether for a scene or a lifetime, is an incalculable gift. Don't devalue it by taking it for granted.
David Stein
(Copyright hereby waived. Contents may be reprinted or reposted without charge or permission, but please do give credit where due! Everyone is further encouraged to adapt and build on this starting point.)
Let’s start with a definition. Ethics (as defined by dictionary.com) are:
1. a system of moral principles
2. the rules of conduct recognized in respect to a particular class of human actions or a particular group, culture, etc.
So what does that mean for kinksters? To me it means that all parties involved are following the set of guidelines set out for that relationship/scene/encounter.
There are some principles that i think most people in the lifestyle would agree on, such as safer sex practices, negotiation of a scene before play (including limits), expectations for the relationship (what kind of relationship is this? a one time play, casual play partners, an Owner/pet, D/s, M/s or something else?) i’m sure there are many more that I’m just not thinking of at the moment. But those aren’t really ethics individually, put together maybe they are.
i think the biggest aspect of ethical kink would be SSC or RACK (i would imagine that all of you know what those acronyms mean but just in case someone doesn‘t they are Safe, Sane, Consensual and Risk-Aware Consensual Kink)…
In defining the acronyms SCC and RACK i think i just realized the point that i want to try to make with this whole ethics thing… both highlight the need for both/all parties being in consent of the activities taking place. Without consent much of what takes place in a D/s relationship or play would be considered abuse or even assault. Now i don’t mean that when Madam needs my consent to smack me across the face when ever She feels like it (let’s be honest, for us it’s usually when i’m being bad and deserve it anyways) or that She has to ask me every day if i am still okay with Her ordering me around. But if i had never agreed to a 24/7 relationship and She started doing said activities then, yes, She would be out of line. i give my consent every day by agreeing to wear Her collar. If i ever decided that i didn’t want this arrangement anymore then it would be up to me to talk with Madam and tell Her why i cannot wear Her collar anymore. To me this is one area that She would not be able to tell me what to do, She cannot force me to be Her sub.
i have digressed from the topic at hand…
Engaging in BDSM puts one at odds with the greater societal ethical principle of do no harm and respect each other. Because of that kinksters have to be especially careful that they are still maintaining a standard of ethics in their relationship(s) and in play. If your partner(s) and the community (if you’re involved in it) can talk about you positively then you are probably maintaining ethics.
Even though i am Madam’s sub and possibly one day Her slave She still respects me as a person. i am Hers to do with as She pleases as long as i don’t suffer unwantedly. She respects that i have needs, desires, feelings and opinions.
i guess it all comes down to consent and respect.
Well, that was a bunch of babble and i'm going to leave it there. I’m not sure if i said what i wanted to but writing this did make me think so that’s a good thing.
In doing a bit of research i came across an essay by David Stein, the man who coined the phrase “Safe Sane Consensual”. i found it on the Sagacity website http://sagacitygroup.net/main/knowledge/thoughts/principles i thought it made some really good points so i thought i'd add it to my post.
Some Principles of Ethical BDSM
Aim at excellence in all that you do
Otherwise, why bother? There are much easier ways to get off. Everyone who comes under your hand, or whom you submit to or serve, should be better off for the experience. Does this mean humiliation or degradation have no place in ethical BDSM? As training tools, they do; as goals, no.
Be honest
Withhold no necessary information. Never promise what you can't deliver. Acknowledged roles and fantasies aside, don't pretend to be what or who you're not.
Do no harm
Giving (or accepting) pain is okay. Marks may be okay, even permanent ones. Temporary disabilities may be okay if complete healing is to be expected. Even helping someone die who's irreparably damaged and ready to go might be okay. But inflicting permanent harm that diminishes the quality of life or the ability to function in society and to earn a living is not okay. If you break your toys, you can't play with them anymore. And if you're a bottom, submissive or slave, if you demoralize your tops or Masters, no one will want to play with, control, or own you anymore.
Neither inflict nor accept pain unintentionally
Causing indiscriminate, unintentional pain is the mark of a bully or a dolt, while accepting pain as simply one's lot in life is a victim mentality. Sadism and Mastery are about control and the ethical dimension requires control of the sadist or Master's own impulsive behavior. But the same goes for bottoms, submissives, and slaves, who can inflict enormous pain on their partners - or themselves without meaning to, simply by acting without thinking first. And they should also take care not to accept pain they don't want, especially without a context that makes it meaningful (such as serving a beloved Dominant or Master). Pain in BDSM ought to be a deliberate transaction, not an accident or a byproduct.
Take responsibility for assessing and reducing risk
Risk-reduction is not the exclusive responsibility of the top or Master. Everyone needs to become informed about the risks involved in whatever kind of scene is in the offing and decide whether they're worth running, as well as how to reduce them as much as reasonably possible. Being careless or stupid isn't "hot"...it's just careless or stupid.
BDSM is not covert therapy
Don't trap an s/m partner, let alone a D/s partner into filling a therapist's role. Unless you discuss it with your partner ahead of time, keep your personal shit out of the dungeon. If you have specific psychic or emotional trigger points, make sure your partner knows about them beforehand and make sure he or she can be trusted to avoid triggering them.
Everyone should feel good about it when it's over
With few exceptions, unless you leave your partner(s) wanting to do it again, the session wasn't right. Ideally, the same should be true of a relationship when it's over (this is much harder, but even more important).
Right is better than "right now"
Learn to wait for the right moment, the right partner, the right time to present itself. Don't be afraid to say, "Thank you, no," or "Not now." Learn to listen to your gut the right way not the part that screams, "Feed me!" but the part that whispers, "No, there's something wrong here" or "Yes, this is it. Go for it!"
Kinky people are still people
Even when we're puppies or ponies, Masters or Goddesses, slaves or toys, no one is invulnerable, unfeeling, or unworthy of the presumption of respect.
Treat others better than yourself
Don't shortchange them the way you often do yourself. Treat others the way you'd treat yourself if you had time for it...if you weren't feeling so guilty...if you didn't have all these deadline pressures...if you didn't have higher priorities...if you weren't a closet masochist...
Finish what you start
Don't take control of a bottom's mind unless you know how to return it again when you're finished. Don't break a bottom or a slave you're not prepared to put back together again. Don't enter training without intending to complete it, come what may (barring only the most extreme circumstances). Don't walk out of a scene partway through; if there's provocation that can't be ignored, step aside and calm down, then come back and finish it. If you enter a contractual D/s or M/s relationship, fulfill your end of the bargain no matter what; even though you can walk away without legal consequences, you forfeit your honor. (Caveat: Don't enter such a contract unless there are provisions for honorable release if either party comes to find the terms intolerable.)
Don't mess with someone's livelihood or family
Unless someone explicitly invites you into the parts of her or his life that concern family or making a living, it's best to assume these are off limits. Therefore, nothing should occur during a session that might threaten those areas unless consent is secured in advance, before any action starts. For instance: shaving the head or eyebrows, piercings, tattooing, preventing someone from reporting in to work or calling family members. The same goes for a bottom, sub or slave encroaching on a partner's private space, like calling a number you were told not to use or interacting with his/her work colleagues or family members even though you haven't been introduced.
Don't take your partner(s) for granted
Depend on them, count on them, lean on them as needed and appropriate, but never, ever lose the awareness that their presence in your life is a gift and a grace, not an entitlement, not even a quid pro quo. This is so whether you are a top or a bottom, a Master or a slave, a Dominant or a submissive, or even a switch. Having one or more partners you can count on, whether for a scene or a lifetime, is an incalculable gift. Don't devalue it by taking it for granted.
David Stein
(Copyright hereby waived. Contents may be reprinted or reposted without charge or permission, but please do give credit where due! Everyone is further encouraged to adapt and build on this starting point.)
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Stuck in a Rut
Lee and i have had a couple of conversations about Her being unsure about what to do in a scene in the last few days (when we have played recently She seems to get fixated on one activity and focuses the entire scene around it). We were talking about why this is happening and She told me that She feels like She has to come up with new things every time or at least new ways of doing things we have done before. She admitted that She gets overwhelmed with the idea of coming up with new ideas which makes it even harder for Her to come with ideas.
i told Her that i don’t expect things to be new each time we play, that eventually we’ll run out of things to do if that were the case. For me the problem that i see is that, as i mentioned She does one thing to the exclusion of everything else. For example, the other day i told Her that i had been craving a hard beating and the play that ensued was me laying face down and Her paddling my ass.
i feel like i am sounding ungrateful for what She does give me but i do think that i have the right to say when our play is not “meeting my needs” so to speak.
In trying to help Her i started listing off scene ideas and i can’t remember them all but i thought I’d list them again here so we have a written list that we can go back to and say “oh yeah, we had mentioned trying that”. So the list that follows is some of the suggestions for playing that i/we came up with and any other that i think of as i write.
- interrogation-one of us write a number (or something else) on a slip of paper. Madam has X amount of time to get me to say what it is... more of a mindfuck if She was the one to write the secret
- "the numbers game"-roll a die/dice of in some other way choose a number. Do that number of activities for that number of minutes each (ie: rolled a 5 so do 5 activities; tickle with a feather, cane, make me give oral sex, ice play, bare hand spank)
- Roleplay
- Theme scene-pick one type of activity and do it in many variations (ie: sensation play-tickle, ice, warm/hot wax, scratching, sandpaper) (ie: impact play-laying and standing, bound and free, hard and soft with various implements)
- Training- go through the positions, giving a few seconds to get into it 100% correctly or "punish". If feet are not correct, cane them, ass not sticking up quite high enough, spank it, etc
- Set up stations/activities around the apartment, have each room be a subscene
This next list is some things that we have done before that i enjoyed/want to try again
- Figging
- Fisting
- Rape/resistance play-the more i think about it the more i think it's the struggle/resistance/fight that i love, running away and being "caught", that kind of thing
- Knife play/cutting
- Orgasm denial, both extended and in a scene
- Puppy play
- Face slapping
She also posted a question on the ask a Dominant board on Fetlife seeing if She could get any suggestions on keeping the idea wheel running. Hopefully She'll get some good ideas there.
Have you got a suggestion as to how we can keep Lee from feeling stuck in a rut? Please leave a comment, we'd be more than grateful for the help ;)
Monday, March 7, 2011
i'm a bad sub...again :(
The other night i went to my first kink event. It was at a local gay bar that i have been to many times before so i was in familiar ground at least. i went with some of the women in the submissive womens’ group that i attend.
i was kind of disappointed though. i thought there would have been more kink/fetish stuff going on but it was pretty tame. There was a guy doing suspension bondage and another doing temporary piercings off in the back corner and there was a St. Andrew’s cross for a while on the middle of the dance floor. Two women did a 20ish minute fire play show which i personally thought was not very exciting, it just seemed so acted out, too showey or scripted or something. i didn't stay till the end of the night and i think there was another show but i'm not exactly sure what it was about.
The reason that i’m telling you this is because i got some temporary piercings done. i had three 22-gauge needles on each side of my collar bone. i was curious as to what it would feel like and someone that i was with was interested in doing it but was kind of nervous so i said that i’d do it first so they could watch. (when i was in nursing school i had practiced giving injections with needles about that size on myself so i knew that it wouldn’t be too bad) It felt good in a way, a bit of an endorphin rush but not at all kinky. In fact it felt very clinical, akin to getting real piercings done but with loud music and a whole bunch of people around. Apparently i was supposed to have them removed before i left but buddy wasn’t at the station and i didn’t want to make the woman who was giving me a ride home wait so i wore them home.
Well, Madam was not happy with me at all to say the least. At first She thought i had been part of a scene. Once i had explained that it was definitely not a scene she was still upset that i had done something like that without asking. Which, looking back at it now, if the roles were reversed i’d be pretty pissed too. She owns my body and i violated that ownership. AARRRGGH… how do i think that i’m ever going to be “good enough” to be a slave, i can’t even be a good obedient sub.
In my own defence, i know that needle/piercing play is something that Madam is not interested in doing, heck it’s a hard limit for Her. i didn’t think she would care very much since i’m not doing something that’s between us. But like She pointed out, there have been other things on the hard limits list that have been removed and that we do now so that could also happen to needle/piercing play. And the biggest thing was that i took away Her control and ownership of me.
Maybe one day She and i will try it. i think it’s something that i could really enjoy in a scene. i enjoyed the sharp bit of pain of the needle entering my flesh and i always love the “reminders” from play with Madam and i do have a couple small bruises so it would be fun to know that She was the one who had left them rather than some random dude at the bar. i think She might too, if She looks at it as a new way of penetrating me ;) and giving me pleasurable pain. And if Her back keeps bugging Her it's something that doesn't require Her to put too much oomph into it like flogging.
i promised Her that i would try very hard to be more respectful toward Her. i will ask before doing anything that would be considered kinky or play-like. Cause like She told me, She would have said yes but i took away Her opportunity to make decisions for me.
While at the bar i ran into the ex-bf whom i have told about Madam and i. i am so thankful that i had told him before cause i don’t know what i would have said if he’d seen me wearing my collar and corset with a bunch of needles in my skin. And no Lee? so whom are you here with elle? i am a terrible liar and even worse so when i have to come up with something on the spot. But i didn’t have to lie, i could be honest. And it was wonderful.
i was kind of disappointed though. i thought there would have been more kink/fetish stuff going on but it was pretty tame. There was a guy doing suspension bondage and another doing temporary piercings off in the back corner and there was a St. Andrew’s cross for a while on the middle of the dance floor. Two women did a 20ish minute fire play show which i personally thought was not very exciting, it just seemed so acted out, too showey or scripted or something. i didn't stay till the end of the night and i think there was another show but i'm not exactly sure what it was about.
The reason that i’m telling you this is because i got some temporary piercings done. i had three 22-gauge needles on each side of my collar bone. i was curious as to what it would feel like and someone that i was with was interested in doing it but was kind of nervous so i said that i’d do it first so they could watch. (when i was in nursing school i had practiced giving injections with needles about that size on myself so i knew that it wouldn’t be too bad) It felt good in a way, a bit of an endorphin rush but not at all kinky. In fact it felt very clinical, akin to getting real piercings done but with loud music and a whole bunch of people around. Apparently i was supposed to have them removed before i left but buddy wasn’t at the station and i didn’t want to make the woman who was giving me a ride home wait so i wore them home.
Well, Madam was not happy with me at all to say the least. At first She thought i had been part of a scene. Once i had explained that it was definitely not a scene she was still upset that i had done something like that without asking. Which, looking back at it now, if the roles were reversed i’d be pretty pissed too. She owns my body and i violated that ownership. AARRRGGH… how do i think that i’m ever going to be “good enough” to be a slave, i can’t even be a good obedient sub.
In my own defence, i know that needle/piercing play is something that Madam is not interested in doing, heck it’s a hard limit for Her. i didn’t think she would care very much since i’m not doing something that’s between us. But like She pointed out, there have been other things on the hard limits list that have been removed and that we do now so that could also happen to needle/piercing play. And the biggest thing was that i took away Her control and ownership of me.
Maybe one day She and i will try it. i think it’s something that i could really enjoy in a scene. i enjoyed the sharp bit of pain of the needle entering my flesh and i always love the “reminders” from play with Madam and i do have a couple small bruises so it would be fun to know that She was the one who had left them rather than some random dude at the bar. i think She might too, if She looks at it as a new way of penetrating me ;) and giving me pleasurable pain. And if Her back keeps bugging Her it's something that doesn't require Her to put too much oomph into it like flogging.
i promised Her that i would try very hard to be more respectful toward Her. i will ask before doing anything that would be considered kinky or play-like. Cause like She told me, She would have said yes but i took away Her opportunity to make decisions for me.
While at the bar i ran into the ex-bf whom i have told about Madam and i. i am so thankful that i had told him before cause i don’t know what i would have said if he’d seen me wearing my collar and corset with a bunch of needles in my skin. And no Lee? so whom are you here with elle? i am a terrible liar and even worse so when i have to come up with something on the spot. But i didn’t have to lie, i could be honest. And it was wonderful.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Letting Go
i am a very dominant person, submission does not come naturally for me. The reason that Lee and i chose to have a 24/7 relationship was to try to balance the power in our relationship. i am a control freak to the max. i get pushy when i want my way. When i’m asked to do something, not just by Lee, i need a reason (and because i said so doesn’t cut it for me). i am a very logical step-by-step kinda gal and if i think that what you’re telling me, asking me to do, etc is bullshit then i will call you on it. And i don’t have a very good filter so i too often say what i’m thinking before i can stop to think if it’s a good idea to do so.
i keep thinking that maybe i’m in the wrong role, that i should be the Domme. But then i start thinking about all the things that i would miss. i honestly do enjoy the service, the pleasure of seeing Lee happy to come home to a clean apartment, dinner and an eager mouth waiting to be filled with Her taste. i love making Her life easier and more enjoyable.
Most of my sexual fantasies have always been about being taken, used, forced, hard rough sex. And that’s why i first started looking into BDSM stuff. i very rarely crave soft sensual romantic sex. For me the harder, the dirtier, the more “abusive” the better. Grab me by a fist full of my hair, shove me to my knees and tell me to obey and i will wet my panties. i don’t for one second doubt that i am at the very least a sexual submissive and somewhat of a masochist.
Oh i don’t know. And worse i don’t know how find out. Lee and i have talked about trying out switching roles but i don’t know that that would give us me a good idea unless it went for a while, a month or more maybe even. We’d have to keep it up until the frenzy/newness of it wore off. I’ve contemplated the idea that i might be a masochistic/bottom Domme but then i go back to the whole service.
i think what it is that i need a strong heavy handed Domme to take my control/power/need to be right away. Someone who won’t let me get away with the things i have been doing lately, someone who’ll say you will obey or you will be sorry.
Well, i have to go finish my chores and get dinner started so i think I’m going to leave it here. If anyone has any advise they can offer to help i’d be ever so grateful
i keep thinking that maybe i’m in the wrong role, that i should be the Domme. But then i start thinking about all the things that i would miss. i honestly do enjoy the service, the pleasure of seeing Lee happy to come home to a clean apartment, dinner and an eager mouth waiting to be filled with Her taste. i love making Her life easier and more enjoyable.
Most of my sexual fantasies have always been about being taken, used, forced, hard rough sex. And that’s why i first started looking into BDSM stuff. i very rarely crave soft sensual romantic sex. For me the harder, the dirtier, the more “abusive” the better. Grab me by a fist full of my hair, shove me to my knees and tell me to obey and i will wet my panties. i don’t for one second doubt that i am at the very least a sexual submissive and somewhat of a masochist.
Oh i don’t know. And worse i don’t know how find out. Lee and i have talked about trying out switching roles but i don’t know that that would give us me a good idea unless it went for a while, a month or more maybe even. We’d have to keep it up until the frenzy/newness of it wore off. I’ve contemplated the idea that i might be a masochistic/bottom Domme but then i go back to the whole service.
i think what it is that i need a strong heavy handed Domme to take my control/power/need to be right away. Someone who won’t let me get away with the things i have been doing lately, someone who’ll say you will obey or you will be sorry.
Well, i have to go finish my chores and get dinner started so i think I’m going to leave it here. If anyone has any advise they can offer to help i’d be ever so grateful
On Perfection and Procrastination
How does one stay motivated? Some days i feel like just saying fuck it all and not do anything.
My problem is that i start off full of steam and put all my effort into a task, project, etc. Then something happens, things get tough, i hit a rough patch, i wear myself out, or some other thing gets in the way. And i loose it and it all starts to fall apart. i feel like if i cannot maintain that initial level of intensity that i’ve failed and begin to loose interest which only makes it harder to continue cause then i have to fight my way through the self-attacking of being a failure and/or force myself to do something i‘m not truly interested in doing. i give up, get stagnant, and for some reason that’s completely beyond me i start to sabotage the work on the task, project, etc. that i have done. This isn’t just in my relationship with Lee, it happens in my life in other ways, i’m pretty sure that’s why I’m still without a job for example.
The part i have the hardest time understanding is that i still want these things; i still want 24/7 with Lee and i want a job. But any time i have an opportunity to work on these things i make excuses as to why i can’t. i say that i want fewer days that i’m excused from doing my chores then when it comes down to doing the chores i find excuses as to why i didn’t get them done. Same with applying for jobs, going to the gym/yoga/pool and pretty much anything else that involves some degree of difficulty that doesn’t have an almost immediate pay-off. Last night i even made an excuse to get out of my punishment for not doing my chores!!
i know that many people would just say well suck it up and just do it but i’m not Nike.
i read a little while ago that procrastination is a symptom of perfectionism. i would say that i am very much a perfectionist. i always want things done a certain way, i even have a particular ways that most things get stored, towels, silverwear, dishes, clothing, ellie’s pencil crayons, books, movies…. you get the point. i now realize that the reason that i put things off is because i want them to be done just so and if they can’t be then i don’t want to do them until i can do it perfectly. i need to learn how to accept that i may not be able to get things exactly the way i had envisioned it but it still has to be done then.
i think i’m starting to make progress in that. Last week i did some of the mending that has been piling up. i had been waiting for a time that i could do it all but finally Lee said that She wanted me to at least hem one pair of pants so i did, and i did a few other small things that were in the pile. i only felt a bit guilty that i left some to do at a later date but that feeling was mixed with the feeling of accomplishment that i had gotten some of it done.
My problem is that i start off full of steam and put all my effort into a task, project, etc. Then something happens, things get tough, i hit a rough patch, i wear myself out, or some other thing gets in the way. And i loose it and it all starts to fall apart. i feel like if i cannot maintain that initial level of intensity that i’ve failed and begin to loose interest which only makes it harder to continue cause then i have to fight my way through the self-attacking of being a failure and/or force myself to do something i‘m not truly interested in doing. i give up, get stagnant, and for some reason that’s completely beyond me i start to sabotage the work on the task, project, etc. that i have done. This isn’t just in my relationship with Lee, it happens in my life in other ways, i’m pretty sure that’s why I’m still without a job for example.
The part i have the hardest time understanding is that i still want these things; i still want 24/7 with Lee and i want a job. But any time i have an opportunity to work on these things i make excuses as to why i can’t. i say that i want fewer days that i’m excused from doing my chores then when it comes down to doing the chores i find excuses as to why i didn’t get them done. Same with applying for jobs, going to the gym/yoga/pool and pretty much anything else that involves some degree of difficulty that doesn’t have an almost immediate pay-off. Last night i even made an excuse to get out of my punishment for not doing my chores!!
i know that many people would just say well suck it up and just do it but i’m not Nike.
i read a little while ago that procrastination is a symptom of perfectionism. i would say that i am very much a perfectionist. i always want things done a certain way, i even have a particular ways that most things get stored, towels, silverwear, dishes, clothing, ellie’s pencil crayons, books, movies…. you get the point. i now realize that the reason that i put things off is because i want them to be done just so and if they can’t be then i don’t want to do them until i can do it perfectly. i need to learn how to accept that i may not be able to get things exactly the way i had envisioned it but it still has to be done then.
i think i’m starting to make progress in that. Last week i did some of the mending that has been piling up. i had been waiting for a time that i could do it all but finally Lee said that She wanted me to at least hem one pair of pants so i did, and i did a few other small things that were in the pile. i only felt a bit guilty that i left some to do at a later date but that feeling was mixed with the feeling of accomplishment that i had gotten some of it done.
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