So about three or so months ago we were in a pretty poor situation with our D/s. It was nearly non-existent and we eventually talked and decided that drastic changes needed to be made. We actually decided to fully drop the dynamic, since it was more of a painful joke than anything else, and I would take sometime to do some research, some soul searching and figure out who I am and what I need without the pressure and stress of trying to do it in the middle of our D/s. So things stopped and I got down to reading and though we weren't doing great, at least some of the pressure I tend to put on myself to be this "Domme" person was reduced. I didn't have the constant thought that I should be in some way controlling elle right now instead of just sitting here reading. In the first week or two we didn't really talk about what was going on and I felt very distant from elle and really much of our relationship. It was very sad, but I tried to keep it in my head that this was happening because I needed some time to figure things out so that when we did try again I had more self awareness and confidence.
In this short time, I think we both realized that what we thought was a complete lack of D/s before had actually been some aspects that had just become second nature that we didn't even consciously connect them to a power exchange any more. Yet when we actually acknowledged that we were going to stop all of it, these little things became more obvious in their absence. It was only a few weeks in before elle came to me and asked if we could bring a little bit back because she was really missing even just the bit that we had. I was too. Slowly we have been building back up, we are talking more, and we are both doing our reading and thinking. I am still far off from really knowing what I want, what my vision for our future power exchange is, or what direction to lead my girl in in order to succeed this time around. Even still, things are going very well. I am taking more control and elle is following my lead more.
This leads me into what my actual topic of thought for this post is. A week or so ago, elle received her first punishment in quite sometime. If you read her post from earlier today you will know why she was punished, if you haven't, here is a brief summary. I have insomnia that is being treated relatively successfully right now with medication. Last week I saw my doctor again and it's been pretty well decided that I am just in a waiting period now until I see a sleep psychologist (this could take up to another year). I thought since a psychologist is basically just going to give me some methods of cognitive behavioural therapy that I could try to get a start on things by going through a workbook on the subject myself. I figured I would read a bit of that, read a bit of D/s and throw in a fiction novel here and there. elle saw my fractured focus as a threat to our progress and after stewing for a few hours told me what she thought. After her initial, halting question of "did I think I could focus on both books" she asked if I would like her opinion which I said yes. She explained her fear - we were going to loose our forward momentum if I let my focus turn to something else simultaneously. I hadn't considered this, so I thanked her for letting me know how she felt and for not burying her feelings for days, as she commonly does.
I was good with all the above. She is free to speak her mind and she did so very respectfully. The punishment came in, when hours later we were heading to bed and she begged for a punishment because she was feeling guilty for second guessing my decision to read the book. With this she put me in a tough spot. I didn't feel she needed to be punished for speaking her mind when there is no restriction in place. I thought she did so respectfully and I often ask for her opinion because I have an intelligent, thoughtful girl. She made a valid point, which I happened to understand and agree with. Whether I would loose my focus, I don't know, but we are doing so well I didn't want to jeopardize that when it brought up fears in elle.
She was however ignoring my side of our conversation when I thanked her for telling me her feelings and that I was not upset with her for doing so. But she felt she did wrong and took it upon herself to decide for me that she needed to be punished. Now another Domme may say that I was giving her exactly that by still punishing her, that they would not have punished her, would let her stew in her guilt, and the lack of punishment and clearing of her conscience would have been the punishment. I don't work in that way. I still gave her a hard, painful spanking. We have wooden handled, rubber...I'm not even sure what you would call it...we call it 'the mother fucker'. It's about eight inches long, one inch wide and half inch thick piece of rubber and it can mother fuckin hurt. It doesn't take much to take it from wonderful pain to painful punishment. I told her why she was actually being punished and once I felt she had, had enough I forgave her and told her it is all behind us.
She is not good at letting things go and forgiving herself. She is still feeling guilty and I don't know what to say. A writing assignment may be the way to proceed with this as she is still going against me but I know it is not a wilful rebellion. Growth involving self forgiveness and letting things go are part of what I need to focus her training on. Radical acceptance as she calls it.
elle desperately wants and needs to have control taken from her, but there is a part that fights tooth and nail against being dominated when it isn't exactly in line with her idea of what that looks like. Such as me telling her she is to make the call to order the sperm I have chosen. Her thought was that I would pick, she wouldn't know any details and when it came time to inseminate that would be the first time she had anything to do with that part of the process. My idea however is to pick the sperm, which I have done, not tell her anything about the donor and make her order this completely anonymous sperm that is going to be used to make her pregnant. Too me that puts my control over her body and the choosing of the sperm much more in her face; to her it gives her a responsibility with the sperm and access to information that can be used to find out about the donor. I think it may come down to me just flat out ordering her to call. I have listened to and considered her side; I have chosen to stay with my original plan. This is where we come down to whether free speech needs to actually be restricted. Perhaps it would help with her guilt to know that she can't just tell me what she thinks on everything hoping I will change course and she will realize that there are times when I may not even want to here her side; I just want her to do what I say.
T minus one hour seven minutes until The Walking Dead! That means time for me to get on with a few other things before the fabulous zombies return. Are your ready for the zombie apocalypse?
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Journalling
Part of the reason that I haven't written since last time is that I am also keeping a paper journal. To be honest, I am not a computer kind of girl and I find it almost cold to type out my feelings on a keyboard than to pick up my favourite pen and a book and write. But upon learning last night that there are at least a few people who read my/our ramblings I thought that I'd transcribe some of what I have been writing in my journal to here.
When I started my journal, which I bought and initiated on my own, I made a list of things that I felt were the issues that are most in need of contemplation. I have left the bottom of the page blank to add topics if something comes up but so far I have: 1. Self-forgiveness and Letting Go- which I have a very hard time with; 2. Correction vs Punishment- what/why, when and how's of it; 3. Focus/Priority for Our Relationship-reflected through our rules' focus maybe, our current goals, maybe a mission statement kind of idea; 4. Importance of Growth- why being required to learn is important to me; 5. Contacts- why should we have one, what do we want in it? I've written a little bit about a few of these topics but not in any detail once I get more cohesive thoughts about something I plan to put it up here too; and 6. "Free Speech" Time- is it necessary?
Earlier in the week Lee brought home a book about insomnia from the library. She has suffered with this problem for a long time. Lately She has been working with our doctor to get it figured out and it's been quite a challenge but She is on medication now that is working much better. So for now things are not as bad as they have been.
Why do I care about a self-help book? Well, I guess the simplest way to put it is that I saw it as a threat to the work that we are putting into building our Power Exchange. Lee and I have no limits or restrictions on me speaking my mind (which maybe we should have but I'll get to that another time) so when I saw the book, I told Her how I felt. Well, actually I stewed in it for a few hours then I told Her. After I had explained why I felt that our PE was in greater need of Her attention She agreed with me. She even thanked me for telling Her, for looking after Her. I felt so guilty afterwards for second guessing Her decision (that She felt that She could split Her focus on both our PE and Her insomnia- obviously or She wouldn't have gotten the book out from the library now, would She?) and for what I felt was downplaying Her sleep problems. She didn't feel either of those things were true but I couldn't shake the guilt. Before bed that night I begged Her for a punishment spanking. She did but told me the reason that I was getting it was not for why I wanted it but because I wasn't respecting Her telling me that it was over and that I had no reason to feel guilty. It was painful, to say the least. The worst part though? I still feel guilty when I think about it.
Our PE is becoming more and more of an integrated part of our lives and relationship again. I am finding my service side re-igniting. For example, the other night Lee said She like the sound of a recipe for peanut butter choco. chip brownies I showed Her so I asked Her if She wanted me to make it right then while we waited for dinner to finish cooking. The words came out of my mouth before I even realized what I was saying. It was weird, it was almost like I was hearing someone speaking in my voice. She said yes so I made them and the entire time I was baking I was in a wonderful headspace, even when I dropped part of the cooling yumminess on the floor!
Last night after the MAsT meeting we came home and had a kind of wrap up discussion ourselves. Since it was late we didn't get too much into detail but we did talk a bit about the contract that we are I think we are) working towards writing (if I'm wrong Sir then please correct me). I'm sure it will be a long time in the making and then forever evolving. We have both been doing a lot of "research" on D/S, PE and the like as individuals. We both agreed that we need to spend a bit more time doing this together and talk more about what we are researching.
Well, I have to work this afternoon so I'm going to end this here for today. I haven't re-read this for grammar and such so I apologize if anything is wonky.
When I started my journal, which I bought and initiated on my own, I made a list of things that I felt were the issues that are most in need of contemplation. I have left the bottom of the page blank to add topics if something comes up but so far I have: 1. Self-forgiveness and Letting Go- which I have a very hard time with; 2. Correction vs Punishment- what/why, when and how's of it; 3. Focus/Priority for Our Relationship-reflected through our rules' focus maybe, our current goals, maybe a mission statement kind of idea; 4. Importance of Growth- why being required to learn is important to me; 5. Contacts- why should we have one, what do we want in it? I've written a little bit about a few of these topics but not in any detail once I get more cohesive thoughts about something I plan to put it up here too; and 6. "Free Speech" Time- is it necessary?
Earlier in the week Lee brought home a book about insomnia from the library. She has suffered with this problem for a long time. Lately She has been working with our doctor to get it figured out and it's been quite a challenge but She is on medication now that is working much better. So for now things are not as bad as they have been.
Why do I care about a self-help book? Well, I guess the simplest way to put it is that I saw it as a threat to the work that we are putting into building our Power Exchange. Lee and I have no limits or restrictions on me speaking my mind (which maybe we should have but I'll get to that another time) so when I saw the book, I told Her how I felt. Well, actually I stewed in it for a few hours then I told Her. After I had explained why I felt that our PE was in greater need of Her attention She agreed with me. She even thanked me for telling Her, for looking after Her. I felt so guilty afterwards for second guessing Her decision (that She felt that She could split Her focus on both our PE and Her insomnia- obviously or She wouldn't have gotten the book out from the library now, would She?) and for what I felt was downplaying Her sleep problems. She didn't feel either of those things were true but I couldn't shake the guilt. Before bed that night I begged Her for a punishment spanking. She did but told me the reason that I was getting it was not for why I wanted it but because I wasn't respecting Her telling me that it was over and that I had no reason to feel guilty. It was painful, to say the least. The worst part though? I still feel guilty when I think about it.
Our PE is becoming more and more of an integrated part of our lives and relationship again. I am finding my service side re-igniting. For example, the other night Lee said She like the sound of a recipe for peanut butter choco. chip brownies I showed Her so I asked Her if She wanted me to make it right then while we waited for dinner to finish cooking. The words came out of my mouth before I even realized what I was saying. It was weird, it was almost like I was hearing someone speaking in my voice. She said yes so I made them and the entire time I was baking I was in a wonderful headspace, even when I dropped part of the cooling yumminess on the floor!
Last night after the MAsT meeting we came home and had a kind of wrap up discussion ourselves. Since it was late we didn't get too much into detail but we did talk a bit about the contract that we are I think we are) working towards writing (if I'm wrong Sir then please correct me). I'm sure it will be a long time in the making and then forever evolving. We have both been doing a lot of "research" on D/S, PE and the like as individuals. We both agreed that we need to spend a bit more time doing this together and talk more about what we are researching.
Well, I have to work this afternoon so I'm going to end this here for today. I haven't re-read this for grammar and such so I apologize if anything is wonky.
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