Orgasm Denial and Our Plans for the February long weekend

Three nights ago i had my last orgasm until the February long weekend (the 13-15^th) when Master and i will be attempting a cutting scene again. She will still be using me as Her sex toy during that time but i won’t be allowed to cum. We have set up a punishment structure for if i do go too far and not stop Lee in time. This kind of falls in line with the cuckqueaning idea that we have been fantasizing about. But since Lee doesn’t have a replacement for me and She still has “needs that need fulfilling”, She has continued to fuck me.

i’ve never fully talked about why i want to be cucked and to be honest i’m still not entirely sure why i want it. i think part of it for me is that i love to share what i love. If i am eating something delicious, i want to share it with my table mates. If i know some delightful tidbit of info i want to share it with Lee. i think cucking is kinda the same idea. i love being fucked by Lee and want to share that wonderful experience with another woman (or women, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here!!!) . i also love the humiliation and degrading aspects of being made to watch another woman get to have sex and possibly be beaten by my wife. i want to have a relationship with her too, someone that i could be close to and maybe have a bit of sexy fun together on occasion (to amuse Master, of course!). i also am torn with a love/hate feeling of fully giving up control of something so personal, control of my sexuality. One day down the line i’d love it if Master put me a chastity belt, or i had a piercing done similar to pictures i’ve seen. Don’t get me wrong, right now Master has complete control but having a device of some sort is a very real physical reminder that is hard to ignore so you are constantly reminded that your sex is owned by another person. Hot but scary all at the same time.

Lee and i have role-played me being someone else, Her cuckcake. There is a part of me that enjoys the thought of being the cuckcake too. i have had fantasy snippets of getting to be the one having sex with Lee and having another person be cucked. Co-topping in a scene (not “outside the bedroom”) with me being in a more supportive role rather than a full-fledged “Top” is what i picture, which is in line with what i just mentioned. i did enjoy parts of topping when Lee and i first started out and i topped Her but now i don’t have any desire to do those kinds of things to Her for real, despite the jokes that i might make to Master once in a while. Sometimes i do get turned on by the idea of being the top in a scene with someone other than Lee though and Lee and i have briefly talked in the past about me playing with someone else but nothing has ever been pursued.

On the topic of the cutting, those that know me or have read enough of this blog know i have a history of self-harm, primarily cutting. Lee and i want to work through this limit as it has limited our play. i really want to be able to allow my Master to do anything that She wants and right now i can’t do that. We are planning a whole weekend of events for this and chose this specific day being that we both have the time off that we can have two days after just in case i have a reaction like last time. We’ve talked about renting a nice hotel room for the night and having a staycation day on the Sunday but we haven’t planned anything quite yet. i’ll fill in the details next time i write.

Well, that’s all that’s swirling around in my head right now. Except that we just passed the sixth anniversary of our first date! That’s crazy, it feels both far too short of a time and at the same time too long ago!

Fall From Grace Weekend Review

Master and i went to Fall From Grace this past weekend. For those who don't know, it's a local kinky camping event. We had such a great time. We had a bunch wonderful new experiences and Master learned a few new tricks and got a few new toys to add to Her goodie bag!

Friday evening was busy. i don't think i retained much from the demo on asphyxiation that evening. We arrived just as things were getting started so after the demo then we had to go set up camp for the weekend. Not much exciting for me to report, i'll let Lee tell you about what She did.

Saturday was a blast- we sat around like kids at camp and had crafts time, except that we made floggers instead of the stuff kids make! Then it was the water torture demo. i'm writing a separate post about that event so if you want to know more read it. The fireside chat that evening got rained out, which was too bad cause i was interested in hearing other people's perspectives on the topic, Love and SM. Hung out in the dungeon for a bit and watched a few scenes while it rained then went back to sit by the fire again after the rain stopped and with a big group of people on a whole variety of topics.

Sunday was great too. In the afternoon we watched a stapling demo and Lee got to try that out on the demo bottom (for sterility reasons the staplers can't be shared and thus not tried on anyone else). Again, i will let Master share Her own thoughts and feelings on the experience. i think it could be a fun way to do temporary chastity piercings.

Later that day a friend showed Master how to do some basic needle play. i've been curious about needle play for years. About four years ago at a fetish night at the local gay bar where we were living i had 4 needles put in my chest at a demo station. While the needles felt good it was very clinical feeling. Ever since then i have wanted Master to try so it was great for Her to finally have a chance to learn. She did a button of three on one side of my chest while our friend did the same on the other side as well as one on my sternum. He tried to do one through my breast just under my nipple but that was hurting a bit too much so that didn't happen this time. Then he walked Lee through doing some on my labia, which She did two there. i'm surprised how relaxed and comfortable i felt. Lee played with me a bit after the needles were in and it was a delicious feeling and from what i could tell it looked like Master enjoyed Herself as well. We kept half the box of needles so that's a good sign that they will be added to the play repertoire. Yay for me!!

Monday was the wrap up- the organizers of the event sat down with those people who were still around to ask their opinions of the weekend-what worked, what didn't etc. i think that was a great idea and i'm sure helps ensure that people have a good time and come back. i also engaged in some non consensual play with one of the tent pegs from our friends' tent. i caught it between my second and third toes on the right foot and ended up with a bruise on my foot and a cut between my toes. It was not pleasant but luckily it was at the end of the weekend rather than the beginning.

Master and i had two rough body play scenes over the weekend, both in the middle of the field where some of the tents were set up. The first one was on Saturday early in the night while most of the other campers were at a bastinado demo. After dinner we went for a walk to the creek that was close to us but it started to storm and the lightening was getting closer so we headed back. i'm not sure exactly what happened but just as we're getting close to the tent Master starts beating on me. She used her fists, feet, knees, and any other part of Her body that She could. The rain was spitting a bit and the cold water felt both wonderful and torturous at the same time. It also made the grass slippery so i ended up on the ground quite a bit. i don't know how long it went on for (20ish minutes?) but seemed to have ended as organically as it started.

The second one was before the needles on Sunday afternoon. Again, not too sure exactly how this one happened but i kinda think i might have egged Her on a bit. That time She went and grabbed Her toy bag and also used Thumper (it's a rope ball at the one end and the rope loops at the other-i assume for it's for throwing? It feels like a fist when Master hits me with it that's all that matters!!), The Mother Fucker (a short thick heavy rubber impact implement that is both thuddy and stingy at the same time and hurts like... a mother fucker) and a thick cane that we got at FFG from NoirLuna. Between the two scenes i ended up with some delightful bruises, mostly on my one arm but there are a few on my other arm, my shoulders, ass and thighs. A picture of the bruise on my right arm is on my fetlife profile.

i'm sure i'm forgetting stuff and maybe when Lee gets around to writing Her version of events She will fill in blanks for me. All in all we had a fantastic time and are already looking forward to next year.

Slavery Follow-up, PXS Review, and Our New Kink

There are a few things that are swirling around in my head this morning. I haven’t written any sort of follow up to my last post about struggling with the word slave, and neither Master nor I have written about our wonderful experience at the Power eXchange Summit or the new path that we have started to explore.

So to start, the slavery struggle.

I still have a hard time once in a while but I have, for the most part, gotten past thinking that I need to find a new title. Part of it was another book on WWII, The Man Who Broke Into Auschwitz by David Avey.  The author was a British POW in a camp just outside of Auschwitz who traded places with a Danish Jew twice to get a first-hand account of what was really going on inside the death camp as well as helping another Jewish man. In it he said something along the lines that the Nazis treated the prisoners as less than slaves because a slave is at least valued by their owner. I think that, for the most part, that is true. The Nazis didn’t want those people to survive and did almost everything possible to ensure that they died. Master most definitely values me and want me to live so I can continue serving Her. I am well cared for and want for very little. Hell, yesterday She gave me a foot massage and cooked me dinner.

Another thing that has continued my thoughts on this subject, though not in making me feel more at ease with the title of slave is Episode 73 of the KinkyCast, and some of the writings on the Fetlife profile of the person that they interviewed. There is some very interesting and thought provoking stuff but since I didn’t ask permission to repeat anything that was said/written I will leave it at that and highly suggest that you go listen and read for yourself.

I still don’t know if slave is quite the right word to use. I don’t fit the “true” definition; none of us in the lifestyle do because none of us can truly be owned by another person. We are not forced to obey, we can legally leave at any time and there is not a thing our Owners can legally do to stop us. We choose to obey. We in the BDSM community, and general society at large, to some extent, tend to adapt words to suit our own needs. And words evolve, I get that. But I can’t just pick any word and use it however I so choose. Like I said to Lee the other day I can’t call a road a river and expect others to have a clue what I’m talking about without clarifying and/or explaining what I mean every time I do. We label everything in our world so we can all be on the same page, imagine a world where we all made up our own names for things, it would be chaos! But within the BDSM community I don’t know if there is a better widely known title for what my position is than slave. So slave it is, for now?!?

I’m just starting to repeat what I said in my last post so I will stop here on this topic except to say that there are a few other titles that I have been tossing around (indentured servant and vassal are two) but Master said that She wants me as Her slave so the struggle continues.  More to come on this topic in the future I’m sure.

On to the Power eXchange Summit (PXS) recap.

I know I can speak for both myself and Master when I say we had a great time. We met some wonderful people, participated in many inspiring workshops and roundtables and overall came away with a better, stronger power exchange. We even won a prize for travelling so far to attend (we were the only ones who came from Canada, or anywhere other than the USA , for that matter I'm pretty sure). We arrived in Columbus the day before the Summit started so we had a bit of time to go exploring, which was nice. Once PXS actually started it was a very busy weekend. I started off Saturday by going to a workshop on chronic pain and kink while Lee went to one on needs wants and desires. Then we went to the cuckqueaning one. After lunch it was the Executive PE workshop then one on empowerment. We ended the workshop day by going to a roundtable on sexual orientation and gender in PE which was interesting. Saturday evening was the roaring ‘20s casino night where we had our photo taken (which, I realized just the other day was the first professional photo taken of us in the five and a half years of being together!) and played a game and hung out with some of the people that we had met. We also won a very yummy smelling bison leather flogger in the silent auction.

Sunday we went to a workshop on polyamory and PE and ended the Summit with a workshop a workshop that had been wrongly titled on the website and in the run book as honor, service and devotion but was actually about the architypes/models of M/s relationships by Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny. After the closing ceremonies we had a pizza lunch and headed back to our hotel room. We had planned to go out a bit but we were both spent and decided to just lay low for the evening and spend time decompressing and packing for our early flight the next morning. The two workshops that stood out for me the most were Executive Power Exchange by Kevin and katie and Cuckqueaning by Doug and slave lori. The Executive Power Exchange one gave us some new information to use but more so gave us words that help us describe our style of PE. The cuckqueaning workshop on the other hand has helped us start down a new path in our relationship, more on that in a bit.

Overall, I would say that going to PS was one of best things (if not the best thing) we have done for our relationship. The event drop, which didn’t really start until we got home on the Tuesday evening and lasted through the weekend, was so worth it. I would go again in a heartbeat. I have actually already looked at the calendar for next year trying to figure out which weekend it will be!

Lee and I have agreed that we need to make going to these kinds of events more of a priority and therefore plan our vacation time around them as much as possible and be more prepared financially for them. For a brief moment we were looking at going to the M/s con in DC in September but we just cannot afford to go without putting a strain on ourselves.

Next up is our new kink, cuckqueaning.

I guess in the strictest fashion of the word we aren’t quite looking at cuckqueaning since Lee is a woman and cuckqueaning is typically with a dominant man and a submissive woman but I don’t know if there is a term for cucking with only female participants.

Since we haven’t yet started to look for a third woman to join we are more in the fantasizing stages of exploring this kink. Master has been mostly denying me sexual release/orgasm. She has been using me to get Herself off, which She had done many times before PXS but before She would usually allow me to masturbate afterwards, now I can’t. She has taken away permission to ask for sex and orgasm. I can still tell Her that I'm horny though. She has also been edging me, getting me very close to cumming then backing off so that I will learn that sexual stimulation doesn’t always lead to me orgasming. There have been a few sexual encounters where She has humiliated me by telling me how much better it will be once we/She finds another woman to fuck while I am made to just watch and possibly use my mouth to clean them after they are finished fucking. I get so turned on just thinking about all of this. Why do I get so horny thinking about my wife fucking other women? Why do I get so turned on by the idea of being used and not allowed to orgasm? Master has told me that She isn’t going to stop allowing me to orgasm entirely but in the three weeks since we have started this, there have only been two or three times we have had sex that I’ve been given permission to cum. Before this, it wouldn’t have been uncommon for me to orgasm (and usually multiple) about four times a week, including the times I would masturbate for Master. I just texted Master to tell Her that I’m so horny. She told me to go fill my ass with the plug so I will be even more wet and horny for when She gets home so I can put on a show for Her. Now I am aching I am so horny, which in turn makes me feel very submissive, which is why we are doing this. Being sexually aroused makes me want to serve Her so much more. I love it! I want to feel like this all the time. I hope that we start our search for a cuckcake soon.

I was going to write about coming out kinky, a topic that has been on my mind a lot lately as that is what we are going to talk about at MAsT this weekend but I’ve run out of time so I will leave it for another day.