Breaking Down Walls and Getting Over Jealousy

As anyone who is close to me can attest to, i have some pretty high and thick walls that surround me.
Why do i put up walls? i guess in a sense it's a control thing. The less someone knows about me the less they have to use to hurt me. There are many reasons for the walls, there are two big ones though. The first being that i grew up with two alcoholic parents. They were not abusive in a traditional sense but let's just say that i took care of my sister a lot when we were young. The second reason is that my last girlfriend before Lee was verbally and emotionally abusive. She would call me crazy, stupid or other names, she would threaten me and used the removal of affection and emotional detachment as ways to "punish" me if i had been "bad" (not that we used those words though). my mental health struggles also make me scared to let people in. i'm scared that if someone sees the real crazy in me they will get scared off themselves. i have a huge fear of abandonment so rather than be abandoned, i have a habit of just not letting people in and/or pushing them away. i think another fear i have is doing or saying something to jeopardize the relationship Master has with Kahwaii. Another piece in the problem pie is that i have viewed needing help as a sign of weakness and that being offered help was a way of the other person telling me that they thought that i was weak.

i have a have a hard time knocking down those walls to let people in and get close to me; they end up having to climb over them instead. This is not good for anybody to do but especially in a budding D/s relationship it is really not good. But that is what i have been doing to Kahwaii. Last night, we (all three of us) had a conversation about where things between her and i are going among other things. We have decided that we are going to pursue a D/s dynamic. The details of what rules and protocols weren't discussed much other than that i will be punished if she tells me to do something and i don't (which happened last week and is part of what spurred this conversation). She also wants me to check in via text with her more often; she had said not necessarily every day but i think i will try to do it daily just to keep in the habit of it. i had already started serving her drinks and such like i do with Master and since she enjoys it i will continue to do it. She also already punishes me for biting my nails by moving stuff around in my kitchen. So there are a few things we do. i think some sort of greeting ritual could be beneficial, kind of like having the mantra i say with Master which we both find very centering. Master also mentioned that She is thinking that Kahwaii will be in charge of enforcing Master's rules for me when it's just Kahwaii and i.

So how do i go about letting Kahwaii in without making her climb over my walls? Surely now that i/we have acknowledged that they exist it should be easier to knock them down, that seems to me to be the first step in the process. So what is next? i think i need to talk to her about my past more. Maybe if i open up about the two issues that i've already mentioned plus all the other shit that has happened in my life maybe then she will understand where i come from a bit more. Plus, i need to be honest about my feelings and worries, which up till now i haven't been so great at. i believe that Kahwaii has earned my trust and i need to reciprocate by opening up. She has demonstrated to me that she doesn't plan on leaving nor will she intentionally harm me. i need to surrender myself to her.

Two weekends ago was Pride here. Kahwaii had mentioned that she didn't have anything rainbow to wear to Pride. So Master and i went to see if we could find something for her at the Pride market on the Saturday. We were unsuccessful so after the parade on Sunday we went back to look in the market again and found a bracelet that we decided to get her. After the festival we all came back to the house and long story short Master gave the bracelet to Kahwaii without me. She was under the impression that the bracelet was a gift from Her while i thought it was from us. i got upset a few days later when i saw Kahwaii wearing it. It brought out feelings of jealousy in two ways i now realize after talking to my psychologist about the situation. The first is the one that i had already considered. i was jealous of Master getting to give Kahwaii a gift and jealous of Kahwaii for getting something when i hadn't, especially because i thought that Master had gone back to get me one too when She went to get us food. i thought i had worked them out until yesterday when Master was the one to give Kahwaii the small gift we brought her back from our trip and it re-opened the flood gate of jealous feelings.

To Kahwaii: You were right last night when you said that we have to make what we have work as far as our poly dynamic goes. i think if we can make the cucking work for all of us the dynamic between you and i will grow so much stronger; our power exchange will only strengthen. i'm beyond thrilled that you have agreed to try cucking me. You will make such a beautiful cuckcake! You were also right when you said that i thrive on routine and structure. So that means i need you to enforce the rules and protocols that you decide on and to keep me in line if my "toppy" play is getting to be too much. In serving and obeying you i not only make you happy but i make myself happy too. i hate that i made you mad by disobeying what you told me to do and will take what ever punishment you decide is warranted. i am sorry. i am also sorry that i was trying to hide my feelings from you, especially jealousy about the bracelet that Master gave you.

My Take On Stuff and Things and a Bit More On Cucking

This may be a bit short as i have a dental appointment in a a few hours that i need to get myself ready for soon but i really wanted to get my feelings out while they were fresh on my mind.

i titled this my take on stuff and things because i don't know what stuff and things means to Kahwaii, in all honesty i don't fully know what it means to Master either. i've been struggling with what stuff and things means to myself and after talking with our Leather family and Master i think i have a bit of a better understanding on what it means to me. i imagine that it will evolve and in time i might have to re-evaluate what stuff and things means but for now here's what stuff and things means to me.

i care deeply for Kahwaii. When she's not around i miss her and wish that i were with her. i think about her from time to time and wonder what she is doing. i wonder if she's thinking about me. When she is around i want to be close to her. i want to touch her, kiss her and do sexy things with her. i immensely enjoy our sex and crave feeling her hands on every inch of my body. But i also enjoy just sitting with her and talking, finding out more about her. When she laughs, it makes me happy. When she is upset or crying i just want to hold her and make her feel better how ever it may need to be done. i want to learn more about her, what makes her tick.

i wish that i knew exactly what stuff and things means to Kawhaii. Part of my mental illness struggle is that my thinking tends to be very black and white so i have a hard time the grey areas, the unknown. Our Leather family was trying to re-assure me that stuff and things doesn't necessarily mean the big L word but it has a meaning to her, if it's not the big L word then what is it? That's where my head goes at least and it's damn near impossible to stop the thoughts.

i am most definitely not ready for saying the big L word, i don't think that will happen any time soon. i'm just not there yet. Maybe one day but at this point to be honest i'm not sure that i want that to happen. So what exactly does that mean for stuff and things for me? Who the fuck knows.

i strongly believe if Master and Kahwaii were to have a "deeper" relationship than Kahwaii and i that i would be okay with that. To me i think that that is closer to the type of poly that i had envisioned, along the lines of cucking. The version of poly that Master and i had always talked about was more of a V-style relationship with Her as the fulcrum and the other woman and i having only sexual contact for Master's pleasure/entertainment and the two of them cucking me occasionally (or more). Our relationship with Kahwaii is definitely a triangle, all of us are in a relationship fully with each other. The triangle arrangement could still work for some sexual cucking but Kahwaii is incredibly scared of coming between Master and i. i don't think she realizes how much i'm into humiliation and degradation play. i think she thinks about it from her point of view of not wanting to have that done to her rather than seeing what appeals to me about it. But i like the feeling of being made to feel insignificant, it's the emotional masochist in me i guess. i also like that it reinforces our M/s dynamic by demonstrating how much power Master has to be able to say such "awful" things to me. It clearly shows me that i am owned property.

For example, last night Master and i role played last night about me being another woman, someone from our past. Role playing being the other woman is kind of the ultimate in humiliation because i have to make fun of myself. As i played the other woman, Master and i degraded her wife as being a pathetic slut that's only good as back-up holes for when the good ones (the other woman's) weren't available. That got Master off, which lately has been rare and i had a pretty good orgasm too.

Master and i both would like to experience cuckqueaning for real. We have come up with a few ideas as to how we might be able to incorporate it into our play with Kahwaii in ways that she is hopefully comfortable with, small things such as Master telling me that She likes kissing/ fucking/etc. Kahwaii while we all are having sex but avoiding things such as outright comparing Kahwaii and i (at least for now until we can hopefully get her more comfortable with that). At some point i would love it if the two of them were to have sex without me even there but i don't foresee that happening any time soon, if ever.

M, F, T...Me

What do you call a person that isn't quite a girl, but isn't a boy, and doesn't fall under trans?

Unfortunately, there is no punch line though that sounds like I'm kicking this off with a joke. Nope, this is just my life.

Growing up, people would mistake me for a boy. I never wanted to correct them out of embarrassment which only got worse when they realized and tried to apologize. Usually, I just tried to get away quickly enough that they wouldn't notice their mistake or at least I wouldn't have to hear when they did. This happened often enough that when I was a bit older and someone called me a girl, I was surprised and even made a comment to my mom along the lines of "she knows I'm a girl!"

Now that I am older, it happens on the rare occasion depending on how I'm dressed and I suppose what direction they are coming at me from and that embarrassment is still there. Yet, call me a lady or ma'am and I cringe and feel like telling them I ain't no lady! But...

...what the fuck does that make me? I don't feel like I am in the wrong body, hence not trans. However, there are certain parts of being a dude that would be pretty great. I could be bigger and stronger that I could pick elle up and carry her to bed when she falls asleep on the couch. I could have a built in cock so that in the middle of spontaneous fun times, I don't have to be like pause, hold that thought while I get strapped in, not to mention being able to feel what we are doing would be awesome. I don't actually want to be a guy though.

Being seen as a woman, or even just saying that, is just awkward and uncomfortable. I have the bits and tits which I guess makes me female and I don't exactly want to get rid of them either, but my head doesn't quite match up. It doesn't match up with anything and I don't like the feeling of not knowing 'what' I am. I don't feel like I fit in with most guys; I don't feel like I fit in with most women. If someone is attracted to me, what do they see, what am I, what do they expect me to be?

elle says that I am me and I fit with her and that's all that matters, which yes that is very true. She has accepted me as this and we work amazingly together. With her all I need to be is me, same with a few friends. Beyond that I don't know and I just feel lost, alone, alien.

This is a big part of why I am an introvert I think. If I bury my nose in a book my mind is busy with the story and not having to process the image in the mirror or worry about what others are seeing. Being social means needing to fit inside one of two holes and figuring out what side people are consciously or subconsciously expecting me to be on.

I'm sure I confuse some people, especially when I am called Sir. Which I must say, I love to hear.

I seem to be thinking about this a lot lately, maybe because we talk more and more about cucking and/or poly and it makes me so unsure of how to let others know me when I don't know me. It would be a lot easier if life had a back or undo button. I could say something, I could approach someone and if it doesn't go the way I want then I could just hit undo and not feel like a dumbass!

Orgasm Denial and Our Plans for the February long weekend

Three nights ago i had my last orgasm until the February long weekend (the 13-15^th) when Master and i will be attempting a cutting scene again. She will still be using me as Her sex toy during that time but i won’t be allowed to cum. We have set up a punishment structure for if i do go too far and not stop Lee in time. This kind of falls in line with the cuckqueaning idea that we have been fantasizing about. But since Lee doesn’t have a replacement for me and She still has “needs that need fulfilling”, She has continued to fuck me.

i’ve never fully talked about why i want to be cucked and to be honest i’m still not entirely sure why i want it. i think part of it for me is that i love to share what i love. If i am eating something delicious, i want to share it with my table mates. If i know some delightful tidbit of info i want to share it with Lee. i think cucking is kinda the same idea. i love being fucked by Lee and want to share that wonderful experience with another woman (or women, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here!!!) . i also love the humiliation and degrading aspects of being made to watch another woman get to have sex and possibly be beaten by my wife. i want to have a relationship with her too, someone that i could be close to and maybe have a bit of sexy fun together on occasion (to amuse Master, of course!). i also am torn with a love/hate feeling of fully giving up control of something so personal, control of my sexuality. One day down the line i’d love it if Master put me a chastity belt, or i had a piercing done similar to pictures i’ve seen. Don’t get me wrong, right now Master has complete control but having a device of some sort is a very real physical reminder that is hard to ignore so you are constantly reminded that your sex is owned by another person. Hot but scary all at the same time.

Lee and i have role-played me being someone else, Her cuckcake. There is a part of me that enjoys the thought of being the cuckcake too. i have had fantasy snippets of getting to be the one having sex with Lee and having another person be cucked. Co-topping in a scene (not “outside the bedroom”) with me being in a more supportive role rather than a full-fledged “Top” is what i picture, which is in line with what i just mentioned. i did enjoy parts of topping when Lee and i first started out and i topped Her but now i don’t have any desire to do those kinds of things to Her for real, despite the jokes that i might make to Master once in a while. Sometimes i do get turned on by the idea of being the top in a scene with someone other than Lee though and Lee and i have briefly talked in the past about me playing with someone else but nothing has ever been pursued.

On the topic of the cutting, those that know me or have read enough of this blog know i have a history of self-harm, primarily cutting. Lee and i want to work through this limit as it has limited our play. i really want to be able to allow my Master to do anything that She wants and right now i can’t do that. We are planning a whole weekend of events for this and chose this specific day being that we both have the time off that we can have two days after just in case i have a reaction like last time. We’ve talked about renting a nice hotel room for the night and having a staycation day on the Sunday but we haven’t planned anything quite yet. i’ll fill in the details next time i write.

Well, that’s all that’s swirling around in my head right now. Except that we just passed the sixth anniversary of our first date! That’s crazy, it feels both far too short of a time and at the same time too long ago!

Let's Cuck

Just a few quick thoughts since I have been very silent here for months!

My sleep deprivation/daytime exhaustion is pretty horrendous again. I am tired all the time and have absolutely no energy and very little interest in doing anything, unfortunately that rather gets in the way of play and sex and life. We have been making a bigger effort to stay focused on day-to-day activities and both of us being more accountable, but I know there are needs of elle's that I am not filling right now. It has gotten to the point where I am feeling a bit more willing to allow her to play with others in order to get what I'm not giving, at the same time though I'm not thrilled with the idea of her having to get her needs filled elsewhere. If it was just about having some fun, it might be a little easier. We haven't actually gone down that road yet, but if this continue as is it will have to become more seriously considered.

We are both leaning more and more towards the idea of cucking. Since coming back from PXS in May and the cucking class they had, we have become much more interested in the idea and more of our sex has involved such fantasy scenarios. How we move from fantasy to reality though, I have no clue. I see the conversation going something like this...

Me: I've been creeping you from that dark corner all night. How about you come back to my place, I tie you up and we have some fun...
Her: Sure that sounds like a great time! (obviously she's had a drink or two, I just told her I've been creeping on her from a dark fucking corner)
Me: Really!? I mean, that's right, it will be a great time. Once I have you helpless, I'll throw you across the bed, wrap my hand around your throat and fuck you to next Monday.
Her: Wow, you're so hot just take me right here. (hmm pliable, drunk girl that wants to do it in the middle of Walmart during a power outage, awesome)
Me: Oh, one thing though, my slave will be locked in her cage in the corner watching everything we do, we will be humiliating and degrading her throughout and if she's been really good, I might let her out to clean up the 'mess.' Sound cool?

So, yeah, I figure I can't fail with how smooth and suave I am with the ladies!

Ok, back to reality.

There's a lot more in my head to write about, but I have come to the end of my available concentration. I'll hopefully be back a lot sooner next time to say more.

Slavery Follow-up, PXS Review, and Our New Kink

There are a few things that are swirling around in my head this morning. I haven’t written any sort of follow up to my last post about struggling with the word slave, and neither Master nor I have written about our wonderful experience at the Power eXchange Summit or the new path that we have started to explore.

So to start, the slavery struggle.

I still have a hard time once in a while but I have, for the most part, gotten past thinking that I need to find a new title. Part of it was another book on WWII, The Man Who Broke Into Auschwitz by David Avey.  The author was a British POW in a camp just outside of Auschwitz who traded places with a Danish Jew twice to get a first-hand account of what was really going on inside the death camp as well as helping another Jewish man. In it he said something along the lines that the Nazis treated the prisoners as less than slaves because a slave is at least valued by their owner. I think that, for the most part, that is true. The Nazis didn’t want those people to survive and did almost everything possible to ensure that they died. Master most definitely values me and want me to live so I can continue serving Her. I am well cared for and want for very little. Hell, yesterday She gave me a foot massage and cooked me dinner.

Another thing that has continued my thoughts on this subject, though not in making me feel more at ease with the title of slave is Episode 73 of the KinkyCast, and some of the writings on the Fetlife profile of the person that they interviewed. There is some very interesting and thought provoking stuff but since I didn’t ask permission to repeat anything that was said/written I will leave it at that and highly suggest that you go listen and read for yourself.

I still don’t know if slave is quite the right word to use. I don’t fit the “true” definition; none of us in the lifestyle do because none of us can truly be owned by another person. We are not forced to obey, we can legally leave at any time and there is not a thing our Owners can legally do to stop us. We choose to obey. We in the BDSM community, and general society at large, to some extent, tend to adapt words to suit our own needs. And words evolve, I get that. But I can’t just pick any word and use it however I so choose. Like I said to Lee the other day I can’t call a road a river and expect others to have a clue what I’m talking about without clarifying and/or explaining what I mean every time I do. We label everything in our world so we can all be on the same page, imagine a world where we all made up our own names for things, it would be chaos! But within the BDSM community I don’t know if there is a better widely known title for what my position is than slave. So slave it is, for now?!?

I’m just starting to repeat what I said in my last post so I will stop here on this topic except to say that there are a few other titles that I have been tossing around (indentured servant and vassal are two) but Master said that She wants me as Her slave so the struggle continues.  More to come on this topic in the future I’m sure.

On to the Power eXchange Summit (PXS) recap.

I know I can speak for both myself and Master when I say we had a great time. We met some wonderful people, participated in many inspiring workshops and roundtables and overall came away with a better, stronger power exchange. We even won a prize for travelling so far to attend (we were the only ones who came from Canada, or anywhere other than the USA , for that matter I'm pretty sure). We arrived in Columbus the day before the Summit started so we had a bit of time to go exploring, which was nice. Once PXS actually started it was a very busy weekend. I started off Saturday by going to a workshop on chronic pain and kink while Lee went to one on needs wants and desires. Then we went to the cuckqueaning one. After lunch it was the Executive PE workshop then one on empowerment. We ended the workshop day by going to a roundtable on sexual orientation and gender in PE which was interesting. Saturday evening was the roaring ‘20s casino night where we had our photo taken (which, I realized just the other day was the first professional photo taken of us in the five and a half years of being together!) and played a game and hung out with some of the people that we had met. We also won a very yummy smelling bison leather flogger in the silent auction.

Sunday we went to a workshop on polyamory and PE and ended the Summit with a workshop a workshop that had been wrongly titled on the website and in the run book as honor, service and devotion but was actually about the architypes/models of M/s relationships by Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny. After the closing ceremonies we had a pizza lunch and headed back to our hotel room. We had planned to go out a bit but we were both spent and decided to just lay low for the evening and spend time decompressing and packing for our early flight the next morning. The two workshops that stood out for me the most were Executive Power Exchange by Kevin and katie and Cuckqueaning by Doug and slave lori. The Executive Power Exchange one gave us some new information to use but more so gave us words that help us describe our style of PE. The cuckqueaning workshop on the other hand has helped us start down a new path in our relationship, more on that in a bit.

Overall, I would say that going to PS was one of best things (if not the best thing) we have done for our relationship. The event drop, which didn’t really start until we got home on the Tuesday evening and lasted through the weekend, was so worth it. I would go again in a heartbeat. I have actually already looked at the calendar for next year trying to figure out which weekend it will be!

Lee and I have agreed that we need to make going to these kinds of events more of a priority and therefore plan our vacation time around them as much as possible and be more prepared financially for them. For a brief moment we were looking at going to the M/s con in DC in September but we just cannot afford to go without putting a strain on ourselves.

Next up is our new kink, cuckqueaning.

I guess in the strictest fashion of the word we aren’t quite looking at cuckqueaning since Lee is a woman and cuckqueaning is typically with a dominant man and a submissive woman but I don’t know if there is a term for cucking with only female participants.

Since we haven’t yet started to look for a third woman to join we are more in the fantasizing stages of exploring this kink. Master has been mostly denying me sexual release/orgasm. She has been using me to get Herself off, which She had done many times before PXS but before She would usually allow me to masturbate afterwards, now I can’t. She has taken away permission to ask for sex and orgasm. I can still tell Her that I'm horny though. She has also been edging me, getting me very close to cumming then backing off so that I will learn that sexual stimulation doesn’t always lead to me orgasming. There have been a few sexual encounters where She has humiliated me by telling me how much better it will be once we/She finds another woman to fuck while I am made to just watch and possibly use my mouth to clean them after they are finished fucking. I get so turned on just thinking about all of this. Why do I get so horny thinking about my wife fucking other women? Why do I get so turned on by the idea of being used and not allowed to orgasm? Master has told me that She isn’t going to stop allowing me to orgasm entirely but in the three weeks since we have started this, there have only been two or three times we have had sex that I’ve been given permission to cum. Before this, it wouldn’t have been uncommon for me to orgasm (and usually multiple) about four times a week, including the times I would masturbate for Master. I just texted Master to tell Her that I’m so horny. She told me to go fill my ass with the plug so I will be even more wet and horny for when She gets home so I can put on a show for Her. Now I am aching I am so horny, which in turn makes me feel very submissive, which is why we are doing this. Being sexually aroused makes me want to serve Her so much more. I love it! I want to feel like this all the time. I hope that we start our search for a cuckcake soon.

I was going to write about coming out kinky, a topic that has been on my mind a lot lately as that is what we are going to talk about at MAsT this weekend but I’ve run out of time so I will leave it for another day.