On Being Pushed

On Sunday Master and I had a bit of a higher protocol day. We started off with me making a delicious breakfast of herb and garlic cheese omelets topped with a caramelized onion and bacon jam served with yummy multigrain toast and homemade pureed strawberry jam. It was so good! I don’t usually think that what i cook is that wonderful but this time i will fully admit that i hit it out of the park.

After letting our food digest for a while we headed into the bathroom for a shower. Master often pees on me as a way to mark Her property and Sunday was no different, other than when She was finished She had me “clean Her up” with my mouth.  This was hard for me, quite hard. There have been times before that when She is peeing on me that some has gotten on my face and mouth and She has ordered me to open my mouth to passively let some into my mouth if it happens but never has Master deliberately made me ingest Her pee. I was worried that Master would think i’m dirty and wouldn’t want to kiss me anymore if i obeyed. I didn’t want Her to think i was dirty (in a bad way!)I was also having a hard time with getting over the ick factor. I struggled with the order for what felt like an eternity before obeying. I still didn’t know for sure that i wanted to but Master told me to do it so i did and hoped for the best.  Afterward, we talked about it and i said to Master that I can tell by Her reaction that She will be pushing that boundary in the coming months. She didn’t come right out and agree but i think the possibility is very much on the table. I’m not 100% sure how i feel about the idea of having Her pee in my mouth or even further and have to drink it (like She mentioned reading about last week, which i personally think was Her way of testing my reaction for this most recent event as well as the future).   I’m still worried about Her thinking i am disgusting, i’m worried that i will think i’m disgusting for that matter. Though I am curious about Her peeing while i’m going down on Her. Even as I write this i am slightly concerned that friends and others that read this will now find me repulsive, i know that the BDSM community can be very split when it comes to the more fringe kinks.

After the shower I had some time to dry off and make myself presentable. The next thing that Master pushed me with was putting me in the cage and barricading me in. For those of you who don’t know, last year we bought a large dog kennel for the joint purpose of using it for me and for our cats when necessary (we occasionally have to segregate one- like when we first got our newest addition or if one of them is sick, etc.). It is a wire crate about 1.25m tall and long by about 1m wide. We keep it in the corner of our living room and use it as a side table of sorts when not being used for its intended purpose. I have spent the in it once before, although only for approx. 4 hrs, and have spent quiet time in it. I have never been locked in or had it covered while in it, both of which Master did (well, it wasn’t locked but She put an armchair, which She proceeded to sit in, in front of the door). For a long time- it felt like an eternity-i stared at the door. My mind kept rolling over the idea that i was physically caged, that my freedom had been taken from me. That is something that i struggle with in my day to day life. When things get hard my first reaction is flight. If Lee and I ever have a disagreement my first instinct is to try to run away and/or push Her away, which happened not that long ago. She knows that, which is why She made the rule that I am not allowed to leave the house during such times. Master talked with me, reassured me. I was so scared that i would be in that cage for the rest of my life. After hearing Master’s reassuring words a sense of peace overcame me. While i was in there i had no control of anything and therefore the pressure of decision making was totally removed. I felt a weight being lifted off of me. No longer did i have to choose anything. No longer did i have to think. I could just be. I started to feel like i was floating. After a while Master gave me a pre-scene checklist to fill out (it’s a new thing we are trying out) so She could plan our play time. I stayed in the cage while She was reviewing it and got to just be.

Play time is kind of blur, I don’t remember details of much. I’m sure there was kicking and/or punching, the Mother Fucker was probably in there somewhere and i’m pretty sure i had the big heavy duty clothespins on my breasts and clit. I do remember the breath play part in better detail though. Up until now most of our breath play has been Her hands over my mouth and nose, but we’ve also done some deep throating enough to block the windpipe and face sitting. But on Sunday, Master wrapped my head in plastic cling wrap leaving only a space from my nose to my eyebrows. She then would cover the open area with another strip of plastic, pressing the seams to ensure a tight seal. I could see Her through the plastic- looking into Her eyes while gasping at what little air i had was so erotic and got me very aroused. My life was in Her hands, pretty much literally. I knew that She would never intentionally hurt me but the thought “this could be my last breath” did cross my mind a few times.

Once Master was finished with the plastic wrap She used a……knife!!! to cut it off. If you have read early entries you will probably know that we had a bad experience with knife play a few years ago and have avoided it since. I’m not going to go into details about the past so read this post if you want more details. The knife. We talked about it before playing so I knew that it would make an appearance at the end of the breath play but i had forgotten about it. Until i saw it lying on the floor beside me when Master reached out for it. The panic in me started to rise, but by much less than i expected it to. The first time i felt the cold blade on my skin it took everything in me not to jump. But i survived and to be honest, it kind of aroused me as well. I think it was how my life was so very much in Master’s hands, again, that got me going.

We ended the evening with some wonderful times in the bedroom, the details of which i wish i remembered better. After that there was lots of cuddling and snuggling, chocolate and water. Master mentioned that i may have some subdrop in the coming days. We talked about what we enjoyed and how we felt about the various activities that we had just partaken in. Once we had relaxed for a while Master declared the high protocol part of our day to be over and we made dinner and watched some tv.

Overall, i had an amazing day! I do think i have had a bit of drop in the days since but not as much as i had kinda thought i might have. My sex drive had been on high since then and i feel almost insatiable, after sex i want more even though i am too physically used up/exhausted to do so.

Well, i have to go get ready for work so i’m going to wrap up here. Hope you all had a good weekend, we sure did. That one was definitely one for the history books, so to speak!!!

Fisting and Rape Play

Play this weekend was fantastic, though it unfortunately didn't start off that way. About ten minutes into our first scene, the leather slapper that I was using wrapped too far around My girl's inner thigh and triggered her. As on a previous occasion she was unable to get out her safe word. She just can't manage to make the word audible when needed, so it took Me about thirty seconds to a minute (I think) to clue in that her crying was not due to the physical pain I was delivering. I stopped immediately to check in and could tell things were not right. She did not move and was just frozen, though crying hard.

I cuddled her and talked to her and eventually she calmed back down. I feel so bad when something like that happens, though accidents obviously do occur. It scares Me that it is now very obvious that when she needs to safe word out she is unable to. After an hour or so of talking and cuddling she seemed free of the trigger. Thankfully no lasting effects this time around. I'm sure it helped that we both knew the next day we had all day together. Once we were calm, in that small little whisper she uses when she is confessing a desire she asked Me to fist her!

We have attempted fisting before and almost gotten there, but this time I made it all the way in and Oh My Goodness! Wow! She was so tight around My fist My fingers were going to sleep. It is quite an amazing feeling and sight to be wrist deep in a tight, wet cunt. That is definitely in the plans to be repeated again and again. Obviously it made her a little tender and say "hell no!" to giving birth, lol. There's some effective birth control for you!

The next day, again in that little whisper elle requested to be raped while she was sore and to be pushed in ways until she begged Me to stop. So later that night we played. After a pretty good struggle that landed Me with some good marks from her :) I managed to get her tied down to the bed. I used her sore hole pretty well, but didn't want to cause too much trauma. She very much does not like when I go down on her, but at the same time wants to learn to tolerate it for My enjoyment so I took this as the perfect opportunity to rape her in a more psychological way and push her limits, while still using My cock in her. It didn't take long for her body to betray her and after forcing an extended clitoral orgasm she was able to use her signal to tell Me she had enough (she was gagged so begging wasn't exactly possible.) During aftercare one of our cats laid down on her stomach and almost instantly she seemed much calmer. Kitty cuddles are very relaxing.

All in all it was a great weekend of playing and reconnecting, even with the stumble of triggering her.

On another note, I seem to be sleeping better. The last few nights, I've had a sleep CD playing during the night. It apparently activates the brainwaves that are supposed to help you fall asleep and stay asleep. So far I think it is going all right and yesterday the wall of exhaustion did not make an appearance, even after hours of housework, today it's still to be seen. I'm feeling very good after the weekend.

Embarrassed

Have you ever been embarrassed by any of your kinks, ashamed even? i am. i can't even bring myself to say what it is at the moment, that's how embarrassed i am. Maybe one day i will tell you. Who am i kidding, i'm sure that i will once i can accept it more.

Part of my problem is that it is something that i have been very clear in the past that i am not interested in. i don't know why i am interested in it now but for the past week or so i have been thinking about it. When i catch myself i try to stop myself, but that hasn't been proving very successful and it has been on my mind for at least a few minutes every day in one form or another.

i haven't figured out why all the sudden i am interested in something that i was so vehemently against in the recent past. i haven't been able to pinpoint a cause. There is nothing that i can say "oh yes, it was that that sparked these thoughts".

i confessed to Lee about this last night. She suggested that it isn't the actual activity that i'm drawn to but more the feeling that i would get from it. That's probably true, probably very true. She is always so good at reading me. Telling Lee and having Her not get squicked out by it did help to relieve my anxiety a huge amount. But it still doesn't make me feel like less of a hypocrite.

And yes, i know there have been other things that started out as a limit that we now (regularly) engage in, piss being one of them. i guess, to me, this is different. It is something that many people get hot from so it's not "unusual", i just can't seem to wrap my head around it for myself.

i told Lee that this isn't something that i want to jump into right away. But, our dynamic dictates that i am open with my thoughts and feelings, though, so i had to tell Her.

Sorry that i'm being vague but i'm not quiet ready to out my "new kink" yet. I imagine that it has made this post hard to follow.

Help?!?

30 Days of Kink- Days 8&10

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

i found this picture on the internet and thought it was hot hot hot!! i love the bows on her stockings ;)

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

• Though i have never actually had an experience with insects, they are high on the list. Madam and i saw a photo of someone playing with them on Fetlife recently and i almost started to cry at the thought of that being done to me (i can’t remember what exactly the insect was doing or any details, i think my mind has blocked it out lol!!)

• Anybody/thing that cannot/has not consented, including (willing) minors, animals and play involving people who have not given their OK to be involved in the scene, kinky or vanilla. i have a little inside of me. She is about 8 yrs old. SHE IS NOT SEXUAL. When i am little i have absolutely no desire for sexual intimacies, quite the opposite actually, sex scares little ellie. Sexual age play is a very hard limit.
  i would not wear diapers for any reason.
  

• Scat and vomit. I just don’t get it!!! There is nothing hot about either of those things, they smell bad!! Urine was at one point included but honestly i think that was more Madam than me that wanted it there. She still says no to it being used sexually (She pisses on me to mark me, that’s the extent of our piss play) but if She ever changed that i think i’d be OK with it.
  

• Purposely drawing blood. Not really sure why… i think it’s another one that’s more Madam’s limit than mine… but since She’s the one to decide play Her limits are mine. It does stain though so I’d hate to have to worry about getting it on stuff.
  

• Needle play. I don’t think it’s a hard limit for me but not something that i want to try right now so i guess that means that it’s not a hard limit really now does it?!?
  

• Medical play is one role play i don’t think will ever appeal to me. Being a nurse myself it’s just too similar to work that i think i’d be criticizing the way Madam “played nurse”. That includes enemas.

Knife Play-a hard limit maybe?

i was supposed to "job hunting" today but instead in am sitting in a coffee shop. Let me give you a bit of a "history of elle" lesson and you will see why.

i have a history of mental health issues; depression, suicide attempts, cutting, just to name a few. i've bee in and out of psych units, seeing psychiatrists/therapists and on various medications since i was 15 years old. The last time i was in the hospital was almost three years ago. i was cutting my thighs and cut too deep. i called a friend and he rushed me to emergency where they stitched me up and sent me along to the psych ward for observation. but in the last three years i have made leaps and bounds in my recovery. It's been over a year since i've had to take antidepressants, let alone the heavier meds i've taken in the past, and even longer since my latest therapist "released" me. i have never gone a year without having some sort of depressive episode before now.

What's changed? Well, i think a big part is that i finally went back to school to do what i've always wanted. And the other part is Lee. She is amazing!! i ♥ Her more than life itself. Our relationship is stable, mature and i feel more secure and loved than i ever have before.

OK, so on to last night...Madam and i had a bit of a play session last night, nothing too hard cause i'm still recovering from an intense physical scene we had on Saturday. It was mostly just Her writing on me, a bit of light paddling and caning and scratching. At one point She mentioned about going to get a knife and actually cutting me rather than just the scratches She had been doing (we've talked about it before and i told Her that i was interested in trying). After She came back with a knife, She told me that She had only planned to mindfuck me and use a butter knife but if i thought i was ready that She would do it for real. i assured Her that i was ready and wanted Her to. The feeling of the knife on my skin was all at once terrifying and exhilarating. I quickly realized though that i was feeling many of the same feeling that i had when i was cutting before. i decided that i wasn't as ready as i'd thought i was and tried to call red (our safeword). But it only came out in squeaks, i couldn't form the word as much as i tried. Madam moved on from the knife play soon after, moving on to other things. i didn't say anything about it to Madam once the scene ended, i drifted off to sleep soon after.

This morning i woke up feeling not quite right, kinda down and anxious. At first i thought it was just the jitters about going on the "job hunt" but while we were getting ready i started to feel more and more depressed. Finally i told Lee that i felt like i was about to cry which of course opened the flood gates and the tears spilled down my cheeks. i told Her that last night had brought up memories of my past. i also told Her about trying to use my safeword and not being able to. (which thinking about it now kind of scares me, what if it had been some sort of medical emergency? would i have been able to then or was it just because of the type of play we were engaging in?)

Lee called work to tell them that She was going to be a bit late and we talked for a while. She feels bad that She didn't realize that i was trying to safeword but as i told Her, i was facing away from Her, my hands were out of sight and She was focused on what She was doing (which i'm glad for-i wouldn't want Her focus to be wandering while She had a knife to my back). i admitted that i wished that She didn't have to go to work, that i wanted to be with Her. She suggested that i leave the job hunt until tomorrow and come with Her to work so that i wouldn't be home alone. So now i sit here waiting for Lee to have Her dinner break to visit for a bit then wait again until She's done work and we can go home together.



i'm glad i'm not home alone. As much as Madam says She trusts me, i don't know how much i trust myself. When i told Her that She told me that i'm a good girl and wouldn't do anything that doesn't please Her and doing that wouldn't please Her so i wouldn't. i'd like to believe that but i don't, not right now.



i'm not depressed but with only one income life is stressful. i have an urge to cut now to release some of that stress. The feel of the blade opening up my skin and spilling my blood is cleansing, a release. The release is addictive. The pain (that's not the right word but i cannot think of the word i want right now) gives me something else to focus on, a distraction. i had forgotten how cathartic cutting can be. If you've never been a cutter, you probably don't understand. All i can say to explain it is that it's like an anorexic, the more stressed life gets the less they eat cause it's the one thing that they can control.

I do want to try knife play again but only when Lee will be home the next day in case i have a similar reaction. i want to work through this issue, i don't want it to control me or what Madam and i do in play. i guess it's like a person who has been in an abusive relationship having problems with certain aspects of play and wanting to work through them. Or is it more like an addiction and i should just leave well enough alone? i'm not sure, only time will tell i think. If we do knife play again and i have the same reaction over and over then we may have to add it to the hard limits, or soft limits with extreme amounts of aftercare. Who knows?



Have you ever had a similar experience? i'd love to hear about it and how you manage it.