Story Excerpt

Here is an excerpt from a story that I have been writing and going back to now and then over the past year. I wrote this part today after much time of not writing. I hope you enjoy it and I figure you can probably come up with your own idea as to how one could find themselves in this position without My giving the full story:)

****
My body has grown stiff from the cold floor and laying unmoving for an unknown amount of time. I have no idea how long I have been locked in this room, the only sign I have of much time passed is the growing pressure I feel in my bladder for release.

A battle rages in my head as I try to decide how it would best please Madam to find me upon her return. Her heel in my back, pressing me to the floor indicated I was not to rise at the time, but was it her intention for me to stay sprawled on the hard floor or would she approve if I were to return to the position I was meant to be in, in the bedroom. I am already to be punished for such a grave disobedience of her command that I fear to make another mistake, but perhaps she would see my changing positions as an attempt to reassert the respect I have for my Madam.

Willing to take on whatever punishment that may come of my decision, I feel in my submissive  self that I must try to show my grief for displeasing her, by once again taking up the wait position for however long she leaves me in this small, lonely room. Moving my stiff body into position, I feel immediately the hardness of the cement pressing into my knees and know that my choice will turn out to be a self punishment and a test of my resolve if she is to ignore me for much longer. I am determined to show my submission.

It doesn't take long for the pain in my knees to grow exponentially. My thigh and calf muscles constrict and tremble as I fight my body on its need to move. My pain is for Madam. I clench my hands to the back of my neck and stare blindly at a spot on the wall as my vision blurs with silent tears that trickle down my cheeks.

I think briefly to distract myself from the fire in my knees by counting, but realize I would then not be fully experiencing my position. I am Madam's property; I have given control of my being to Madam; I am not playing a game, I am living life; to live this life I must be willing to give my all to Madam and do everything that she expects of me. I am nothing; I am no one; I am only what and who she says I am. I choose to feel entirely the pain in my knees, the quivering in my muscles, the ache in my back, the heaviness of my arms, because that is what Madam choses for me.

Instead of counting, I focus all my attention on feeling everything this position causes in my body. It is excruciating for a long time as I slowly scroll through my body, feeling each part, describing out loud how each area is doing, and telling myself the pain is not yet sufficient for the penance I owe Madam.

"Thank you Madam for this lesson; I will learn; I will do better; I want to be your slave and do everything you tell me. Thank you Madam for letting me feel this pain; I want to hurt for your pleasure; I need to suffer for your forgiveness; I beg you to punish me for my insolence. Thank you Madam for allowing this hurt to teach me my place; I am yours; I submit to you; I give you full control; I am yours."

I ramble on until only unintelligible sounds escape and I reach a plateau in my pain where I am kind of floating in a euphoric high based on exhaustion, intense pain, and complete acceptance of what is to come. The way something incredibly hot feels cold to the touch, the feelings coursing through my body have so over stimulated my nerves and pain receptors that I am nearly unaware of my physical discomfort. Not wanting this experience to turn pleasant for me, I slightly alter my position to reawaken my body and fresh tears spill forth as this body that Madam owns once again feels the intensity of pain on a level higher than I have experienced before. I know I am now ready for Madam's punishment.

Not long after, or maybe it is still quite some time later, it is so hard to tell, when my bladder is near bursting, I hear the key in the lock and prepare for Madam's entrance. Not daring to look to the door, with my eyes still fixed to the wall, I hear the click of Madam's heels as she takes the few steps into the room to be directly within my line of sight. I stare at her shoes and realize there is a pair of heavy, black combat boots within my peripheral vision.

Madam has not come back alone.   

Ramblings

I feel lost. I'm half way through My leave of absence and I feel I have done nothing with My time. Sure I've been keeping up with the cleaning and transferring old writing onto the computer, but really I have done nothing. I had plans to write during this time, I haven't written a word. I was going to take photos during these months, I have taken a handful of our cats. I was going to rev up My cooking skills, I put in minimal effort in the beginning. I was going to learn all about D/s and fine tune our dynamic, it's a slow work in progress. I just feel trapped in this perpetual cycle of housework and I'm doing it to Myself.

I barely leave the house other than for a trip to the library or grocery store because I know if I go to a coffee shop, or for a walk, or whatever then when I get home I'll be even less inclined to do what I should be doing around here. If I clean first with plans to go out after, by the time I'm done I don't have the energy or inclination to go anywhere, and it's getting dark.

I fool Myself into thinking, today is the day I will write a story, when I don't even have any ideas swirling around in My head. I type up old writing and I'm impressed with the ideas I had growing up, some are quite good and make Me want to pick up writing them but then I tell Myself I can't. I need to just get this stuff on the computer and I can write later. I have a feeling 'later' is really never. In a month and a half I go back to work full time, then two and a half months later we move. The stressful struggle to find a job, any job, will then start up, followed by more full time work, followed by a lifetime of being someone's lackey at some job I end up hating after a time because it's not what I want to be doing, but I don't know what I want to be doing, because when I have the time to do what I think I want to do I don't do it because I feel like I don't have the time and if I feel like I don't have the time now, then I most certainly will never have the time because I am obviously not ambitious enough to just take whatever time I do have and do something with it!

I have never had the motivation to actually put in hard work for the career I've wanted and I'm scared to do any kind of more schooling because I know from the past that it just puts Me (and now My wife) in debt and isn't actually put to use. I'm worried I will be a lifetime retail worker and I hate that thought, but I don't know how to motivate Myself to make something of Myself.

A few steps I am going to try to turn the next half of this time off, around:

1. Change cleaning schedule to open up some time.
2. Schedule in writing/coffee shop, walks/photography (I work better following a schedule, hence blogging regularly now, it's on the schedule).
3. Plan rewards for elle and I to show My appreciation for her working so hard for us, and Me for adding some motivation to the career side of life.
4. Schedule in play times.
5. Schedule in moving prep.

I can't wait for elle to get home in an hour+, I need a hug.

Time for a Tweak

I've said this before but I'll say it again, being a Domme doesn't come easily to Me. There are probably plenty out there that would say I'm not a 'real' Domme because I'm not a natural, the habits and actions of a Domme aren't characteristics that are ingrained in Me. No, I'm not dominant by nature. I have to work at it, and quite often I fail at it. If fact, elle and I have taken on the roles in our dynamic that are opposite to both our natures. elle is a very independent, strong willed, organized person. All attributes that I love about My girl. All attributes that make it a bit more difficult for her to be slave to Me.

Why then, you might wonder, am I not the slave? Well for good reason, we both want and need to be in this dynamic the way it is. elle needs freedom from making decisions, she needs to not be responsible for getting us through life unscathed, she needs to be able to just breathe and follow My lead. For myself, I need to be pushed with decisions and allow Myself to say 'no', I need to feel the weight on My shoulders of navigating through life safely, and I need to feel the love and devotion of My slave.

See, leading up to our relationship, I had always been very passive, gullible and pretty well, a doormat. I did everything in My power to please other people, that I am now faced with a sizeable debt, and lots of resentment inside. There is pretty much a daily fight I have with Myself about how I could have let that happen, how did I not see what was happening, how could I be so stupid, blind, naive, yadda yadda?? Unfortunately now I am not the only one that is paying for what I allowed happen with previous people. My mother is affected (talk about huge guilt), My wife is affected (diddo on the guilt), and our quality of life is affected.

Being Domme has made Me feel more secure in the fact that the past can't repeat itself and elle can be secure in knowing that she can't get to the point of steam rollering through our relationship. I can say 'no' and she can relinquish control. Where we come along it being difficult is that neither, as I said, was really in our nature. Sometimes I still say 'yes' too often, and elle takes too much control, but we are a work in progress and I feel we always will be.

We talked this weekend about where we are lately falling off the D/s wagon and have come upon a few changes that I think will make this better. When we started, our dynamic was more of a physical service slavery formula. elle wasn't working, I was, so she was able to take care of the home and I felt better about having her do things for Me. However, over the past month and a half that I haven't been working but she is, I have been taking care of the home and feel bad about wanting to get her to do something for Me because she's been at work all day. So we have talked, and decided more of a mental D/s is what we are looking at right now. Going back to making sure she wears My collar when possible, having her sit at My feet, inviting her to eat, inviting her into bed, making sure she asks permission for things (still need to flesh this one out), and overall just making sure I make the decisions for her. I need to start doing the leading a whole lot better around here, as each time she sees a weakness coming out of Me the natural control that is in her, latches on and pushes.

I am very hopeful we can get ourselves back on track, because when we're doing well in our dynamic it is really good.    

Fisting and Rape Play

Play this weekend was fantastic, though it unfortunately didn't start off that way. About ten minutes into our first scene, the leather slapper that I was using wrapped too far around My girl's inner thigh and triggered her. As on a previous occasion she was unable to get out her safe word. She just can't manage to make the word audible when needed, so it took Me about thirty seconds to a minute (I think) to clue in that her crying was not due to the physical pain I was delivering. I stopped immediately to check in and could tell things were not right. She did not move and was just frozen, though crying hard.

I cuddled her and talked to her and eventually she calmed back down. I feel so bad when something like that happens, though accidents obviously do occur. It scares Me that it is now very obvious that when she needs to safe word out she is unable to. After an hour or so of talking and cuddling she seemed free of the trigger. Thankfully no lasting effects this time around. I'm sure it helped that we both knew the next day we had all day together. Once we were calm, in that small little whisper she uses when she is confessing a desire she asked Me to fist her!

We have attempted fisting before and almost gotten there, but this time I made it all the way in and Oh My Goodness! Wow! She was so tight around My fist My fingers were going to sleep. It is quite an amazing feeling and sight to be wrist deep in a tight, wet cunt. That is definitely in the plans to be repeated again and again. Obviously it made her a little tender and say "hell no!" to giving birth, lol. There's some effective birth control for you!

The next day, again in that little whisper elle requested to be raped while she was sore and to be pushed in ways until she begged Me to stop. So later that night we played. After a pretty good struggle that landed Me with some good marks from her :) I managed to get her tied down to the bed. I used her sore hole pretty well, but didn't want to cause too much trauma. She very much does not like when I go down on her, but at the same time wants to learn to tolerate it for My enjoyment so I took this as the perfect opportunity to rape her in a more psychological way and push her limits, while still using My cock in her. It didn't take long for her body to betray her and after forcing an extended clitoral orgasm she was able to use her signal to tell Me she had enough (she was gagged so begging wasn't exactly possible.) During aftercare one of our cats laid down on her stomach and almost instantly she seemed much calmer. Kitty cuddles are very relaxing.

All in all it was a great weekend of playing and reconnecting, even with the stumble of triggering her.

On another note, I seem to be sleeping better. The last few nights, I've had a sleep CD playing during the night. It apparently activates the brainwaves that are supposed to help you fall asleep and stay asleep. So far I think it is going all right and yesterday the wall of exhaustion did not make an appearance, even after hours of housework, today it's still to be seen. I'm feeling very good after the weekend.

Sleep Deprived

I am a terrible sleeper. I have a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep. I rarely wake up feeling rested and usually at some point during the day I hit a wall of utter exhaustion where I just want to close My eyes, and if I do it is very difficult to find the strength to open them again or get up off the couch. If I give in and take a planned half hour nap it turns into two hours where I am still sluggish and groggy; it takes much force to make Myself get up during any of this. I feel I am close to that wall right now. I take pills every night to help, which is not good. The only good thing, they aren't addictive sleep aids. I choose between melatonin pills and a prescribed anti depressant (for sleep). Both seem to help minimally, at best, and long term use of anything just ends up making the issue worse. I don't know what I can do to finally get a good nights sleep every night, but it is affecting our playtime.

Last Friday we were supposed to play, to get into a routine of playing again, but I was so tired that we didn't and still haven't. I was really wanting to just push through and play anyway, but for the safety of My girl obviously I can't do that. It wasn't the first time my tiredness has gotten in the way, but it really upset Me. elle was very good of course, told Me it was all right and held Me in her arms as I cried in frustration. I don't want to get her hopes up by scheduling playtimes only to cancel them, but I don't want a month to go by before we play again either. Maybe tomorrow will be our chance...except elle is possibly having a root canal and I don't imagine that pain will get her going. Hopefully she won't actually need to have it done.

I have been sleep deprived for years. Anyone have any good tricks for falling asleep?