Evaluation of Life

First of all i want to say that i am a very lucky girl. Yesterday Madam gave me a Easter egg hunt!! A few weeks ago i had mentioned in passing that i wanted one, only half seriously and not thinking that She would but She did! Thank you Madam, you are the greatest!!!

Now on to more serious talk.
The last month or so i have been working, which has changed a few things in our relationship: we don’t have as much time together, my hip and knee hurts more often so it’s harder to serve/play and chores are being neglected and i’m asking for Lee’s help with them more than i used to.

How have these changes affected us?
Well, i think that having time apart is a good thing, it hasn't increased my alone time any (except bus rides but i don’t really count those) but it has increased Lee’s alone time which i think is great for Her. She needs time to do Her own things.

my hip and knee hurting has impacted service and play. i can’t kneel for nearly as long or as often as i’d like. And getting up is anything but graceful. i've also been suffering from very itchy skin in the last couple of weeks. The play itself doesn't tend to aggravate my sore areas or itchiness but i do find i’m distracted by the pain and/or itching and therefore not fully “with” Madam when we do play. Because of mostly these two things we haven’t really had a full “scene” in i think close to a month, maybe even a bit longer. i miss playing desperately and even though we still cuddle and are close in other ways i don’t feel like i have that connection that we get after a good scene. i know, i know, some of you may be thinking, a month, she’s complaining that she hasn't played in a month?!? Yes, yes i am. We have both said in the past that regular play is important to us to keep us connected and close.

Our home isn't in the condition that i would like it to be. That isn't only because of work though, i have been feeling a tab bit lazy and unmotivated as of late but i’m not entirely sure why. i try to pre-plan when i’m going to do my non-daily chores but it always seems to get screwed up with calls from work. Then the chore(s) that were supposed to be done that day aren't so then i have to do them the next day which back up the next group of stuff and creates a domino effect affecting the whole rest of the schedule. And on my days off i feel overwhelmed with the prospect of trying to catch up and usually avoid doing much of anything.

And i would like to be working more to try to bring in more money so we can work at paying down our debts and start saving to one day buy a house and maybe have a child. But the thought of that makes me worry about how i’d ever keep up. When i was single i never worried about how working full time kept me from getting my house work or anything else done. But i guess then i didn't have to factor in down time with my partner, play time, and the extra chores that having another person makes (you wouldn't think it’s much but it is-the bathroom gets dirty twice as fast, there’s almost double the laundry and dishes, etc.)

i think i need to get better at managing my time, i think i’m wasting too much of my time being unproductive (especially in the mornings). i need to use the time i have more efficiently.

i kind of feel like most of the D/s and kink has disappeared from our relationship and lives as of late. i’m mad that i have let it drift away. i want it back. i want to feel Lee’s influence in my actions. i want Her rules and punishment for infractions. i crave Her hand around my neck and Her eyes staring into mine demanding my obedience and submission.

30 Days of Kink-Day 12

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you've had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny. i’m not sure if i have talked about this scene before, i think i have but it was funny and it fits here so i’m going to tell it again. It was near the beginning of our D/s relationship. i was topping Madam in an interrogation scene. i went to sit on the desk but it wasn't meant for my weight i guess and it literally broke in two sending me as well as the glass of water, desk lamp and a few other various props crashing to the floor. i picked myself up off the floor, unplugged the lamp and untied Madam. We cleaned up the broken glass, water and props while laughing our asses off. After clean up was finished we both agreed that the mood had changed too much and trying to pick up the scene just wouldn't work so we left the rest of the mess and went to cuddle, talk and laugh about what happened. Madam was able to repair her desk and it sits in our living room, reminding us about that night. To this day, we still laugh about what happened.

Finally, time to write!!!

So i finally have a few minutes to write so i thought i'd better take advantage of them seeing as how my supervisor already called me and asked if i could potentially work tomorrow and Saturday evenings. The job is going ok, i still don't really enjoy what i'm doing but the staff and residents are pretty cool so that kinda makes up for it i guess. i went out with some of the women i went to school with last week, most of them are working in the two main hospitals and it sounds like they are doing much more interesting stuff than i am but the money is nice to have no matter where it's coming from. Chores have definitely been suffering though, which i feel bad about but i worked 4 shifts in eight days and with a commute time of almost an hour and a half each way i have much less time to get stuff done. For example, if i work the 0700-1500 (3pm) shift, i leave the house at 0545 and get home at the earliest at 1630 (4:30pm), usually closer to 1700 (5pm). And when i do get home i’m tired. Yes, for the most part all i do is hand out medications but that isn't quite all. i am on the move pretty much all day. Of an eight hour shift i maybe spend only 1-1.5 hours either standing still or sitting, including my break. i’m still not used to that, it’s been six months since i have had to do that. For the last couple of days i have been trying to learn some Spanish since one of the residents only speaks Spanish, and she’s blind so i can’t even gesture and point, and i feel really bad that i cannot communicate with her. Okay, enough about work, on to more interesting stuff! Lee presented me with Her behaviour modification plan for me last night. She says it still needs a bit of fine tuning before it’s instituted it but i’m glad that She has gotten this far on it and it sounds very promising. Lee is planning on making a page here about the plan She has written so watch for that coming soon and when She does please send Her a comment telling Her what a great job She did! (help me out with some positive reinforcement guys LOL) We also took a look at the list of rules that were made in the beginning of our D/s journey and did some serious revisions to them. More than half of them have been cut out. Things that we felt we didn't need rules for, for example that i could tell Madam that i love Her when ever i want to got cut. We also realized that the first rule (that i submit to Madam’s will) addressed a lot of the other rules, making the vast majority of them redundant so we only left the ones that addressed specific things that She/we felt were important enough to reiterate. There were also a couple of rules that got the axe because She had originally thought they were something that we wanted but now realize that they don’t work for us, for example the rule about me saying i love You when ever i leave Madam’s presence was starting to make the phrase loose some weight (both of us felt this way and obviously neither of us obviously want) and the rule about me encouraging Madam to write, well that never happened even once. Once the rules are fine tuned i will post them and you can let us know what you think of the update! i am happy to see that Madam has been putting so much effort into becoming more of the leader around here. i know that i have work to do on being more submissive. i’m hoping that with the new behaviour plan and revamping the rules so that they are more “Her/us” that i will be directed down that path. The biggest thing i need to work on is my control issues. i am such a control freak and when things don’t go the way i want or expect i can get very upset. i don’t want to turn my issue into Her problem but i do suspect that part of the reason that i have a hard time giving up control is that i didn't think She could manage it very well which is why i’m so excited to see that She has taken this step, it shows me that She can take charge of a situation. Now i just need Her to stop asking for my opinion so often. Give it time elle, lol! It takes time to develop new habits and that is exactly what this is for both of us. Oh the journey, gotta love it!!

Hello!

Sorry that i haven't been posting much lately. i have been working and plagued by headaches that keep me from doing much of anything. Because of that when i have time and am feeling well i have to get caught up on chores and such cause our place is definitely looking a bit neglected! i promise to try to get something up here in the next few days... and i'm trying to convince Madam to post more often too.

Lost and confused

For the past two weeks we have been living in a minimized 24/7 D/s dynamic to give us a chance to focus on a few rituals and rules. The idea was to take a step back so we could work slowly into this way of living over jumping in with both feet first as we did initially.

The relaxed dynamic has both been good, and not so good. When we decided on this route, I knew I had a lot of learning and personal growth do to before I could realistically take on the full responsibility of being elle's Domme. I need to work on My assertiveness, My leadership skills, and My ability to influence elle to name a few. I have been reading books to help Me on My journey and they are quite interesting, but I wouldn't say I have truly learned anything of use in the short term. I know it all takes time, but the longer it takes the less I feel I have any control over elle. At least while we were going full board she did try to be on the journey with Me, now I feel more like I am running a three-legged race alone.

I know a big issue with our dynamic comes from My lack of assertiveness and really showing her I'm in control, hence the books, etc., but elle also has a hard time giving up power, giving up control, and being a perfectionist. I don't feel she is trying to improve upon herself. Instead I feel she is just leaving it up to Me to figure out how to take the power and control and make...MAKE...her submit. she tells Me over and over that she really wants to submit to Me and I do believe her, yet in general lately I don't see signs of this. There is one place where elle is really a great submissive and that is at the weekly munch. Sadly though she isn't submissive at these meetings because of My dominance. No, she is submissive at these meeting so she won't embarrass Me or have anyone think that I can't control her. To me that pretty much shows how little I do control her. People there see this and see her proudly wearing her collar but I feel it isn't really us and anyone who was a fly on the wall for a day would see just how Domme-less I really am.

At home she is sarcastically mouthy, bratty with playfulness, and listening less and less to any attempt I make at dominance. It is so frustrating because as her partner I love her "attitude" but as her Domme it's like a big neon sign that flashes in front of My face that says "You can't control me!" I'm at a loss for what to do. She won't submit without My making her with My dominance and I can't dominate without her giving Me submission. We were supposed to talk about all this on My work weekend, but we haven't had a chance to yet and now that I'm here thinking this over I'm just not sure what the next step is. I do know, we won't be adding any new rules or rituals yet as we had hoped to be able to do this week. We can't even manage the few that we have.

elle I love you so much and I really do want this dynamic to work and just flow freely from each of us, but it is not quite headed in the right direction yet. I know we will get there. Each day though that I feel my control become less I grow more paranoid that the next upset is right around the corner and you won't want me ever again as your Domme. What do I need to do?