Work kills the Domme in Me

Sometimes I find it very hard to feel Dommely when other areas of My life seem so out of My control that I am frustrated, depressed, or just plain tired. Take My work for example. I sell shoes. My wage is commission based and so there is a lot of pressure I put on Myself to sell, sell, sell, without being one of those super annoying, pushy sales people...I don't really have the personality for that anyway. When I first started, My mom didn't think I would do very well because I am quiet and not really a social person, but she was wrong and nearly every month I have ranked second for sales in the company, which is quite impressive considering the number one position has been held by a guy that has been working for this company for twelve years!
But I hate My job.  A job that has Me judging My self worth based on My daily sales is not enjoyable. I know there is a lot more to My worth than how I do during those eight hours, five days a week, but when those hours dictate My income and whether bills will be easy to pay or debt will just continue hanging over our heads it's hard to separate and not see Myself as a failure when those days go poorly. And when they go poorly so, it seems, does My control over elle. If she fights against My control when I'm in a mood, then I more often than not just drop it rather than pushing through like I do other times. I'm not sure how to separate My work irritation from My ability to control My slave.

On the bad work days, I just want to come home and curl up in My girls arms and have her take it all away. But usually our bad days over lap and I brush aside what I'm feeling to try to comfort her. It makes Me temporarily better to be able to make her feel better, but then I never fully deal with what I'm feeling. It just builds and builds until I am so frustrated at work that I just want to start beating My wishy-washy, time wasting, "you are my servant" thinking customers with the shoes I'm desperately needing to sell them! Going postal? No. Going commissioned sales clerk, more like. If only we sold stilettoes!

I would love to be a writer or photographer instead, but that's not practical. Maybe once elle is working full time as a nurse, I can just work part time somewhere and write part time, but that would have to be like five years down the road once debt was cleared and all we needed to worry about where current bills and not crap left behind by exes and My doormat days. Oh ain't life grand.

I'm not really sure what My point for this post really was. I know I bitch and complain in My posts far more than I want to be. I want to just write about how amazing our D/s is and it really is getting better and better, with a step back now and then, but I'm back to work tomorrow and I'm already dreading another week there. If I knew what to take, I would go back to school if I really felt a draw to something that I knew I would follow through with. I look into the trades ever few months thinking I should just be  a plumber or electrician, but  really would I be any happier doing anything like that. I couldn't say. I'll be thirty in three weeks, I've gone through college twice, and still I'm working a job that I could have gotten fresh out of high school.

I do have an amazing wife that willingly submits her heart, body, mind and soul to Me which I am eternally thankful and grateful for. She is My slave and even just last night, pushed My head down to perform oral on her when she felt that was what I wanted to do but knew I wouldn't do because it is more or less a limit for her. She happily suffered through such an act because it was for My pleasure and I know that was a huge move of submission for her. Obviously life isn't all bad, when I have a girl like My slave elle!

I lost the step-by-step guide to being a Domme

Hello friendly readers, remember Me? I’m the D in the D/s with elle...at least I’m supposed to be. I haven’t been doing a very bang up job of it for the last while. Seems ever since we took a few days break, months back, I haven’t been able to get into the groove of it on a regular basis and in so failing have not given elle any reason to put her best foot forward either. We used to play quite often and now there are more frustrated tears from not playing and discussions about not having played than there are scenes in recent memory.

Is it ALL My fault? Being the D, I’m supposed to be the one deciding everything and ensuring everything is done the way I plan, so I guess it is. Bad behaviour in a sub is a reflection of bad leadership from the Domme. Why should she sub if I flop in My role more times than I succeed? It’s tiring. Taking the lead, making her do things she doesn’t want to do and fights Me on, remembering to tell her something instead of asking and if I get another argument from it standing My ground. Because I said so, because I want you to, because of blah de blah de blah, isn’t reason enough if she has it in her head to fight.

Am I the D? Yes.

Is she stubborn, strong willed, knowing of what she wants and if she doesn’t get it ready to fight to create an excuse for not getting it? Yes.

elle is a sub that needs clear cut reasons. I know this. Am I good at supplying this? Not so much.

elle is a sub that needs to see that she is getting something out of what she puts in. Am I good at positive reinforcement and rewards? Um, well I guess not so much when play is a main point she needs. I think I’m good at positive reinforcement.

I know this is all about working together and Me deciding what is best for us and doing it whether she agrees in the moment or not, but it is hard to keep pushing through when I get such resistance that I just start to feel like a big asshole. I need the positive reinforcement too.

I feel like switching lines of thoughts now. The beginning of this post was written yesterday, and I don't remember exactly where I was going with it so...

It is four sleeps now until we say “I do!” I’m excited, nervous, scared and a little pukey if I think too long on it, lol. More than anything though, I can’t wait to be standing there in front of our witnesses to put a ring on the finger of the woman I am going to spend the rest of My life with. It seems like I have already spent a lifetime with elle and I want a million more. There are certainly things that aren’t going the best with us at the moment (see above) but there is so much more that is just incredible that I know there has not been another decision I‘ve made that has been better for Me, than being with and marrying elle. I love you My girl!!

Lost and confused

For the past two weeks we have been living in a minimized 24/7 D/s dynamic to give us a chance to focus on a few rituals and rules. The idea was to take a step back so we could work slowly into this way of living over jumping in with both feet first as we did initially.

The relaxed dynamic has both been good, and not so good. When we decided on this route, I knew I had a lot of learning and personal growth do to before I could realistically take on the full responsibility of being elle's Domme. I need to work on My assertiveness, My leadership skills, and My ability to influence elle to name a few. I have been reading books to help Me on My journey and they are quite interesting, but I wouldn't say I have truly learned anything of use in the short term. I know it all takes time, but the longer it takes the less I feel I have any control over elle. At least while we were going full board she did try to be on the journey with Me, now I feel more like I am running a three-legged race alone.

I know a big issue with our dynamic comes from My lack of assertiveness and really showing her I'm in control, hence the books, etc., but elle also has a hard time giving up power, giving up control, and being a perfectionist. I don't feel she is trying to improve upon herself. Instead I feel she is just leaving it up to Me to figure out how to take the power and control and make...MAKE...her submit. she tells Me over and over that she really wants to submit to Me and I do believe her, yet in general lately I don't see signs of this. There is one place where elle is really a great submissive and that is at the weekly munch. Sadly though she isn't submissive at these meetings because of My dominance. No, she is submissive at these meeting so she won't embarrass Me or have anyone think that I can't control her. To me that pretty much shows how little I do control her. People there see this and see her proudly wearing her collar but I feel it isn't really us and anyone who was a fly on the wall for a day would see just how Domme-less I really am.

At home she is sarcastically mouthy, bratty with playfulness, and listening less and less to any attempt I make at dominance. It is so frustrating because as her partner I love her "attitude" but as her Domme it's like a big neon sign that flashes in front of My face that says "You can't control me!" I'm at a loss for what to do. She won't submit without My making her with My dominance and I can't dominate without her giving Me submission. We were supposed to talk about all this on My work weekend, but we haven't had a chance to yet and now that I'm here thinking this over I'm just not sure what the next step is. I do know, we won't be adding any new rules or rituals yet as we had hoped to be able to do this week. We can't even manage the few that we have.

elle I love you so much and I really do want this dynamic to work and just flow freely from each of us, but it is not quite headed in the right direction yet. I know we will get there. Each day though that I feel my control become less I grow more paranoid that the next upset is right around the corner and you won't want me ever again as your Domme. What do I need to do?

This could take years

I thought I had been learning how to domme my girl and though maybe not doing great, I figured I was doing alright considering how new I am to all this and how little time I unfortunately have to focus on D/s. Turns out I was pretty off track. I was doing a pretty poor job of taking responsibility of elle's life and showing her any real reason to submit herself completely too me. I didn't nurture her submission by complementing it with my own domination of her other than on rare occassions.

I fully understand that I need to take responsibility for leading her, which I know I wasn't doing, but I do have plans to take action and change that right away. It is just rather difficult to fully direct her as she needs me to do right now, with her home alone all day while I'm at work. I know there are people that manage this quite successfully, but being into this for only a few months I have much, much to learn. I wish I could just know it all and be able to give her everything in this way that she needs from me, but I don't have the skills - yet - for what she needs. I'm still struggling with the point that I'm not taking advantage of her or hurting her through this lifestyle, we have both consented and at anytime she can use her safeword and I'll stop in my tracks.

But how do I manage to suck up all the information that I need with so little time and the need to be so much further ahead with this right now! By the time I get home and we finish dinner there is about three or so hours in which to spend quality time together, read every bit of BDSM info online that I can find, read up on how to be a strong leader, take nightly pleasure, give maintenance spankings, have sex, play in a scene, cuddle our cats, read books that I have on the go, write more of the story I have started, ect. I need to be able to focus on D/s a lot more than I have been so far in order to do my girl any justice and regain the submission from her I have lost and the bit of love that I feel I have lost as well.

I fully intend on doing this and giving elle every reason to be proud to wear my mark about her neck, and to feel proud myself at the accomplishment I will feel for taking control of not just her life, but my own as well. I have needed a push to get my life in order and I am hoping that as I gain confidence in this part of life, it will positively affect the rest. I just need elle to be patient with me because the last thing I want is to loose her because I'm not able to give her everything she needs to be happy.

elle I know you are not feeling dommed right now and you now have your guard up to resist rather than submit as much as you were before, but I truly hope you will see me really trying this time and accept that I may still be slow in fully growing my wings but that it will be enough to see there is growth. Anything I have read has said it takes years of living D/s to really have a handle on it completely, that concept is really daunting but together I know we can get there.

I love you with all my heart, mind, body and soul elle, little one.