Thoughts and Realizations

I'm writing as I think so things are a bit jumbled up and erratic. I'm just writing what comes to mind as it comes to mind. Sorry if it’s a bit confusing or hard to follow.

Life has been so busy lately. Our day-to-day M/s is still going well. I’d love to be playing more but any time we have time to play it seems to be that one or both of us are tired or not feeling well. Or, I have the desire to be beaten at a bad time, like when Master’s not home or we’re out or we have other things going on that can’t be postponed. I wish I had the ability to extend the day or pause time or some such shit, that would be lovely.

Lee and I recently hosted our second presentation at our MAsT group. Hosting discussions has been really good for us, both the discussions themselves and the conversations that we have before and after. Our first presentation was on how life changes can influence your power dynamic and the most recent was on discreet D/s, how to maintain your power exchange while in (vanilla) public situations.  

Thought #1:

When I'm in full slave mode I don’t feel very sexual or romantic. This is something that I have just come to understand. Majority of the time I still enjoy providing sexual service (deep throating, being a fuckhole, providing oral sex, etc.) but things like kissing and caressing feel almost confusing. Like kissing someone you work for (I imagine, I never actually done it). When I'm in full slave mode Lee is my Master, my Owner, my Boss. The wife and lover part seems to fade into the background. I don’t feel like I'm adequately explaining how I feel but I can't seem to find the right words to describe it so on to the next thought….

Thought #2:

I really need to learn how to tell Master when there is something that I need and stop trying to ignore my needs (I’m talking mainly play/sex needs right now). I have such a hard time getting over the topping from the bottom thing that I just don’t say anything and try to either ignore my needs or try to hint at them to Lee. Neither of which work well at all. Usually I end up getting frustrated and upset and lash out somehow. There are a few reasons that I don’t say anything. The first one is I keep telling myself that I don’t know what Master has planned, just wait, be patient, maybe what I want is still to come. Along with that is the fact that I’m not in charge so I “don’t get to decide what happens” (no topping from the bottom!), which Lee and I have gone over many times and I know She doesn’t see it that way but in my head, I can’t get over it. Along the same-ish line is that I want to do things that Master wants to do. That doesn’t really make sense. What I mean is that I want to do the things that She has been thinking about doing just as much as I want to do the things that I have been hoping for since a lot of my fantasies are based on being used. Which lead to the next thought…

Thought #3

I don’t know if Master gets the urge to beat me or use me or fantasises about it. If She does, I don’t think it’s very often. And not like the urges I get to be beaten and used I'm sure. Some days I wonder if the thoughts in my head are that of a sane person though. I mean why would anybody dream of getting beaten and used until they puke and/or pass out?!? I'm sure that Master doesn’t ever think about beating me to that point, not even close. But I don’t know for sure because She doesn’t really tell me what She wants either. Very rarely does She ever say that She wants to do or have me do something (other than that She wants to gag me on Her cock, She tells me that fairly regularly!). I don’t think I could confidently say what most of Lee’s kinks even are specifically. Is that bad?!? We’ve been doing this for over 4 years now and I still don’t really know what my Master’s kinks are or what She wants to explore! Sure our relationship is Master/slave and has a huge power exchange dynamic, but I don’t consider that to be a kink, more of a lifestyle choice really. M/s is how we live our lives. Some people would say that, for them, M/s is a kink but I think that the majority of those people probably don’t live it 24/7 and they only “do” M/s during playtime. Yes, M/s is involved in our play, but it’s involved in every other aspect of our lives as well. Our kinks are what we play with. The beatings (both with Her body and implements), breath play, bondage, psychological play/mindfucks, and being used sexually. Those are my main kinks.

Thought #4:

My thoughts on each of my kinks

Being beaten:

Lying on the floor with Master’s boots landing hard on my body grounds me

Being punched on the arms and shoulders so hard/much they can't move they are so sore

Being hit on the face

Rhythmic beat of flogger, hand, mother fucker or other implement is like a drum, sets the beat for the rest of the “music”

Hard and heavy mixed with a bit of light and stingy i.e. alternating between being kicked and caned on the ass and thighs

Breath play:

The fear and panic of not being able to breathe

Loss of control over an extremely vital bodily function

The burn in my lungs as the oxygen beings to run out

Bondage:

Being unable to resist an attack or struggle/fight back-defenseless

Burn in the muscles and joints from being held tightly for a long period of time

Psychological play:

Keeps my mind engaged, bombards another sense (hearing)

Reinforces the physical domination

Being broken down to be rebuild back up in Master’s vision

Sexual use:

Being used for entertainment- made to perform activities for Master to watch (masturbation, hurting myself, etc.)

Humiliation from being exposed or forced to cum

Being owned (penetrated) and loss of rights over what happens to and in my body

Have Lee somehow kind of state the plan for the scene i.e. “I'm going to beat you until my arms can't move, then I’ll use that pretty mouth of yours to clean me up after I make myself cum.

Look at scheduling play and negotiate in advance

No Means No Unless it Means Yes

Since everyone seems to be talking about it, I thought I would sorta kinda touch on the whole Ghomeshi mess. I don't care to talk about if I think he is or is not innocent; I wasn't there so my opinion means nothing along with all those out there saying he is a scumbag or those saying he was fired without cause. He knows, the ladies know, perhaps the rest of us will know in time.

What I will say is how easily this lifestyle of ours could blow up in our faces if someone turned on us as he is claiming. I would not be innocent.

I have nice shiny combat boots I wear to kick my slave. I have paddles and other implements I use to hit her ass, thighs and arms. I have two fists that I use to punch her body. Two hands that I have wrapped around her throat. She has said no, crying when I've fucked her. I've slapped her face, tied her down, locked her in a cage. 

I have beaten her, raped her, confined her. She has consented.

She begs me to stop, then pleads for me to continue. She cries out no, then thanks me when we're spent. She struggles to escape, then melts into a bliss when she can not. 

We have talked about it endlessly. We have negotiated and renegotiated. We have written it down to hold each other accountable. We have grown and fused and become better people and better together. 

None of that would matter. Consent does not matter when the result is seen as assault and battery. Consent can be easily skewed and quickly taken away. When she says no and I keep going what argument is there in me saying, but she really meant yes. Ha! No means no...maybe means no...not now means no...we've heard it all before.

So how do we protect ourselves when even proof of consent like a contract could actually be used against you to prove that you did these things and they were premeditated. Trust and hope is all we really have. Trust that the people you do such things with will never turn on you whether the relationship lasts or not. Trust that you are not a dumbass and do know when no means yes and no means no. Hope that the relationship does keep going and you can keep doing what you love to do together. Hope that in the event of a breakup you can all remain adults, be accountable for your own shit and move on. 

I trust elle implicitly. I'm not writing this to say I have it in the back of my head that if we ever divorce she may turn on me. Not worried about that in the least. That's not the way to have a loving, nurturing relationship that you want to last forever. However, it has crossed my mind what if someone was walking by and heard her cries, what if the guy upstairs called the cops, what if someone peeked in the window and saw me kicking her. It doesn't require her being the one to press charges for things to turn bad.  

It is an awesome, scary thing that we take part in and well worth it in my life. 

What I'm basically saying though is, all you front of the slashers are probably guilty sinners that will gather together in kinky hell. All of you back of the slashers are equally guilty and sinful for allowing such nasty things to be done to you and will also be meeting us in kinky hell. We'll have a play party for eternity. I'll bring my boots. 

Play - My Want, her Need

When we started out in this kinky world, we were bedroom players. We had some fun switching roles and even went so far as to have...or attempt to have, a few interrogation scenes. It was one of those scenes that went so hilariously wrong followed by a sexual scene that resulted in a frantically snapped leg binding that lead us to the defined roles of Dom and sub in the bedroom.  It wasn't long after, day-to-day life started being infiltrated by our "kink" and soon we were living the lifestyle.

We moved into living this 24/7 with rules, protocols, the whole shebang. We have ridden a rollercoaster of highs and lows in our dynamic and throughout, play has always been one of the greatest aspects and most compatibility clashing aspects for us. Like sex for me, I don’t have a high drive that reminds me, or pushes me, or make me yearn for play on a regular basic.

I want play in our life whereas elle needs it. I want the physical connection I feel to her when my boot makes contact with her ass, my fist pummels her arm. I want the sounds of the slap as my hand strikes her and the heat in my fingers when I do it again harder. I want the gasp of her breath when the pain I am delivering winds her and the glazed look in her eyes when I gently punch her cheek. I want the high I feel when I have warmed her up enough to take it harder and she begs for more as she is cringing in pain. I want the emotional connection we feel strengthened afterwards.

I get totally high and giddy from kicking, punching, making my slave hurt and squirm. Hearing her gasp in pain or shock is thrilling. During play I am usually very happy to be doing what I am doing. When a scene is going well, my confidence is through the roof and I feed off elle's responses. Knowing that what I am doing to her is feeding her need for this connection and pain circles back into me and keeps me dishing out more.

When the scene ends, I am still thrumming when it is time for aftercare. Making sure my girl is bundled up, has some juice, a little bit of chocolate, reassuring words when needed and lots of love is my aftercare too. I need the closeness once we are done to ensure she is okay and I didn't go too far, didn't push too much. When I know it went well for us, I am excited and I admit, relieved. I stress myself out a lot when it comes to play, which definitely doesn’t help anything and I think is part of the reason this hasn't become a need for me.

As much as I love play when we are in it, it is sort of a catch 22 for me. In order for me to really get into play and leave behind the stress that is connected to it, I need to be receiving from my slave the responses that build me up and for her to be giving me those responses, I need to be built up so I can really lay into her in a way that she needs.

I'm not great when it comes to running a scene without any planning or discussion between us and elle feels like she is telling me what to do if she says too much about what she is needing and/or wanting. This has led to failed scenes that cause high emotion and frustration and low confidence in moving forward for the next time. I get to the point where I am more focussed on 'this has to go right this time!' pressure, pressure, pressure rather than 'this is going to be great, I'm going to beat her ass.' I don’t like that I can't just get excited and look forward to play because I am too worried about what if it doesn’t go well this time. We have come up with a new way to communicate to help with all this and the one time that we have done it so far worked really well, so I am hopeful.

However, I stick with saying this is a want and not a need for me. I get a lot from it during and take a lot away from it after, when it has gone well. If not for the stress, perhaps I would see all the positive from it as a need but for now it remains a want. Though in our relationship it is a need, because it is a need for elle and we know what it is like to go without. For her it is as much a necessity as air.   

Are We There Already?!?

I have been looking back at some of the old blog posts and amazed at where we've come. Obviously things will change, that’s the nature of life, I know that. I am caught up by how much they have changed. Things that we were struggling with and fantasizing about 4 years ago when we first started are second nature now. Things that i said that i’d never be interested in doing/trying are forefront in our Power Exchange and/or play. Who would have thought!

It was almost 4 years ago exactly when Lee and I first started to explore kink. I confirmed this on Friday evening when we looked back into the history of this blog to reminder ourselves about dates and timelines for things in our relationship. You see, we are hosting next month's MAsT discussion. Looking back at some of things I said in those early posts made me almost laugh. Like when i said that i don’t consider myself submissive sexually because Lee and I talk about our sex and play so that we both get what we want. Where should we start with what’s wrong about that?! ? Or that I have no interest in sexual age play- writing that just now made me literally laugh out loud! Towards the beginning i used writing prompts to help drum up topics for me to write about (I know, what a concept!) I've been mulling over the idea of going over some of my old answers  and writing a new post with my new answers, see what has changed and, if i can track it, the evolution of how we got from one point to the other.

That wasn't the point of this blog post though. The point of this post is to express my nervousness at the idea of giving a presentation. I realize that it is a small group and probably most of them in the room will be people we know but i don’t know if i feel qualified to give others suggestions for their PE, M/s, D/s, etc. Sometimes i feel like we are still actors playing roles, or even more accurately, stand-in actors playing somebody else’s role. Yes, we live our M/s 24/7 but is that enough to be, in a way giving others advice for their relationship(s).

Although we have been doing this for 4 years, it has only been within the last 5 months or so that things have been going consistently well for us. For a good portion (about a third) of that 4 years there was very little M/s in our relationship. How much time and experience does one need before they are “qualified”?-I don’t know that that can be answered. Ok yes, our MAsT meetings are not big events and hosting a discussion isn't like giving a presentation at a conference (or anything even close it for that matter) but there has to be some level of accountability and responsibility to our MAsT Winnipeg membership and meeting attendees that what we are saying is legit. Do we have enough experience and knowledge to do that? I guess we do otherwise the MAsT leaders wouldn't have agreed to have us do it. (We weren't the ones to say we wanted to do this topic, it was kind of thrust upon us when our presenters had to back out.) The topic is something we have some experience with- keeping up the Power Exchange while undergoing life changes. And luckily we have about 5 weeks to organize our thoughts. We got an outline going on Friday with the key points that highlight the changes in our relationship and how they helped/hindered us. There is much work left to be done but i don’t think it will be too hard.

Actually standing up in front a room of people and talking will be challenging. Lee is not much of a talker especially in groups and i don’t want to have to do most of the talking cause as much as this might come as a shock to those who know me i don’t particularly enjoy public speaking.

We get to do this again in November when we host the discussion that we had originally agreed to do as our first presentation (Discrete D/s). Wish us luck!

On Being Pushed

On Sunday Master and I had a bit of a higher protocol day. We started off with me making a delicious breakfast of herb and garlic cheese omelets topped with a caramelized onion and bacon jam served with yummy multigrain toast and homemade pureed strawberry jam. It was so good! I don’t usually think that what i cook is that wonderful but this time i will fully admit that i hit it out of the park.

After letting our food digest for a while we headed into the bathroom for a shower. Master often pees on me as a way to mark Her property and Sunday was no different, other than when She was finished She had me “clean Her up” with my mouth.  This was hard for me, quite hard. There have been times before that when She is peeing on me that some has gotten on my face and mouth and She has ordered me to open my mouth to passively let some into my mouth if it happens but never has Master deliberately made me ingest Her pee. I was worried that Master would think i’m dirty and wouldn’t want to kiss me anymore if i obeyed. I didn’t want Her to think i was dirty (in a bad way!)I was also having a hard time with getting over the ick factor. I struggled with the order for what felt like an eternity before obeying. I still didn’t know for sure that i wanted to but Master told me to do it so i did and hoped for the best.  Afterward, we talked about it and i said to Master that I can tell by Her reaction that She will be pushing that boundary in the coming months. She didn’t come right out and agree but i think the possibility is very much on the table. I’m not 100% sure how i feel about the idea of having Her pee in my mouth or even further and have to drink it (like She mentioned reading about last week, which i personally think was Her way of testing my reaction for this most recent event as well as the future).   I’m still worried about Her thinking i am disgusting, i’m worried that i will think i’m disgusting for that matter. Though I am curious about Her peeing while i’m going down on Her. Even as I write this i am slightly concerned that friends and others that read this will now find me repulsive, i know that the BDSM community can be very split when it comes to the more fringe kinks.

After the shower I had some time to dry off and make myself presentable. The next thing that Master pushed me with was putting me in the cage and barricading me in. For those of you who don’t know, last year we bought a large dog kennel for the joint purpose of using it for me and for our cats when necessary (we occasionally have to segregate one- like when we first got our newest addition or if one of them is sick, etc.). It is a wire crate about 1.25m tall and long by about 1m wide. We keep it in the corner of our living room and use it as a side table of sorts when not being used for its intended purpose. I have spent the in it once before, although only for approx. 4 hrs, and have spent quiet time in it. I have never been locked in or had it covered while in it, both of which Master did (well, it wasn’t locked but She put an armchair, which She proceeded to sit in, in front of the door). For a long time- it felt like an eternity-i stared at the door. My mind kept rolling over the idea that i was physically caged, that my freedom had been taken from me. That is something that i struggle with in my day to day life. When things get hard my first reaction is flight. If Lee and I ever have a disagreement my first instinct is to try to run away and/or push Her away, which happened not that long ago. She knows that, which is why She made the rule that I am not allowed to leave the house during such times. Master talked with me, reassured me. I was so scared that i would be in that cage for the rest of my life. After hearing Master’s reassuring words a sense of peace overcame me. While i was in there i had no control of anything and therefore the pressure of decision making was totally removed. I felt a weight being lifted off of me. No longer did i have to choose anything. No longer did i have to think. I could just be. I started to feel like i was floating. After a while Master gave me a pre-scene checklist to fill out (it’s a new thing we are trying out) so She could plan our play time. I stayed in the cage while She was reviewing it and got to just be.

Play time is kind of blur, I don’t remember details of much. I’m sure there was kicking and/or punching, the Mother Fucker was probably in there somewhere and i’m pretty sure i had the big heavy duty clothespins on my breasts and clit. I do remember the breath play part in better detail though. Up until now most of our breath play has been Her hands over my mouth and nose, but we’ve also done some deep throating enough to block the windpipe and face sitting. But on Sunday, Master wrapped my head in plastic cling wrap leaving only a space from my nose to my eyebrows. She then would cover the open area with another strip of plastic, pressing the seams to ensure a tight seal. I could see Her through the plastic- looking into Her eyes while gasping at what little air i had was so erotic and got me very aroused. My life was in Her hands, pretty much literally. I knew that She would never intentionally hurt me but the thought “this could be my last breath” did cross my mind a few times.

Once Master was finished with the plastic wrap She used a……knife!!! to cut it off. If you have read early entries you will probably know that we had a bad experience with knife play a few years ago and have avoided it since. I’m not going to go into details about the past so read this post if you want more details. The knife. We talked about it before playing so I knew that it would make an appearance at the end of the breath play but i had forgotten about it. Until i saw it lying on the floor beside me when Master reached out for it. The panic in me started to rise, but by much less than i expected it to. The first time i felt the cold blade on my skin it took everything in me not to jump. But i survived and to be honest, it kind of aroused me as well. I think it was how my life was so very much in Master’s hands, again, that got me going.

We ended the evening with some wonderful times in the bedroom, the details of which i wish i remembered better. After that there was lots of cuddling and snuggling, chocolate and water. Master mentioned that i may have some subdrop in the coming days. We talked about what we enjoyed and how we felt about the various activities that we had just partaken in. Once we had relaxed for a while Master declared the high protocol part of our day to be over and we made dinner and watched some tv.

Overall, i had an amazing day! I do think i have had a bit of drop in the days since but not as much as i had kinda thought i might have. My sex drive had been on high since then and i feel almost insatiable, after sex i want more even though i am too physically used up/exhausted to do so.

Well, i have to go get ready for work so i’m going to wrap up here. Hope you all had a good weekend, we sure did. That one was definitely one for the history books, so to speak!!!

Master's Training Wheels

I feel like I have my Master's training wheels on. I'm ready to accept that I have moved forward enough and proven to myself enough that I am on the right path with taking the power and control in our relationship, that I have earned elle calling me Master. I can think of myself as more of a Master now too. It doesn’t feel false like it would have had I used that term a few months ago. Though, elle did point out that I called myself Master before she did when I told her to change a comment she made about our 'Ds' to our 'Ms'.

We talk about our dynamic a lot more now than we used to and it usually occurs to me by the end of our discussion how far I have really come. My confidence in having the ability to own this power is miles away from where we were a little while ago. I think as Masters we need to feel a little smug in our entitlement to having our slaves consent to the power exchange and lately I have been feeling that. Sure, I see places where I really need to up the ante but I also know that when I expect myself to know everything or be further ahead than I am, I just minimize where I am and where I have come from.

I shouldn't have started in on this journey with eyes only on the destination but I think I may have and that's why we have had so many blow outs along the way. Instead of watching where I was going and knowing how far I had come, I had been too eager to just reach the point where I could say I know who I am and how this all works. I expected myself to just know it all and be able to jump right into controlling another's life that when I didn't I gave up and sabotaged any success we did have. I didn't give myself the leeway to learn so I always felt like I was failing.

Now that I am giving myself time and space to learn; now that elle and I are constantly talking and processing together; now that I am allowing myself to enjoy the journey itself, I feel we have built a much stronger foundation. With our foundation flourishing it is much easier to build onto, adding more rules, protocols, rituals, expectations and the like knowing that what I ask of my slave is within my right as her Master.

Now that I can say Master, I don’t think it will be long until the training wheels come off.

A Few Good Changes

So, change is afoot. The right or left, I'm not sure, but it's coming for us and I am excited and a little apprehensive at the same time. No, unfortunately this change isn't anything to do with a baby just yet, but will effect our M/s I think fairly significantly. Two friends that we have made through our local MAsT group are sadly leaving us. If I could tie them down and make them stay I would, but I definitely can't blame them for taking the opportunity to jump at something they have been mulling over for quite sometime. I ended up spending eight years living in Victoria because I jumped when the chance arose and I am forever thankful that I did. Not only did I get to make Victoria my home but I met the woman of my dreams there that I get to spend the rest of my life with! Change is scary, but amazing . Best of luck to you both, you'll be sorely missed.

Now this change means more than friends saying goodbye. They were executive members of our MAsT group and their shoes need filling. elle and I have been asked to join the committee and happily we agreed. It took us a year a half to really meet like-minded folk here that are living M/s. I don’t want to go without that connection again. Joining MAsT has helped us make incredible strides in our relationship and we have created and continue to build upon the strong foundation that we were struggling with for so long. Being around others in the lifestyle has really helped keep this much more of a focus for us.

So we are joining the committee and shortly will figure out what that will involve and where we can throw our heads together to continue to grow this group. The side of this that makes me apprehensive is...I may have to talk more! Unfortunately, I'm being serious. I wouldn't say that I'm shy, I'm just quiet. I have opinions but tend to keep them to myself, most of the time. The same with ideas. Small talk, forget it. I may have to work on not just keeping it all to myself with this though, if I want to be an actual useful person to have in the group, which is preferable. elle sees something in me that has led her to start calling me Master now and then, so I must have something worth offering to the group at large.

I do feel like we have been through enough trials and tribulations in setting the ground work for a lasting M/s life together that we do bring a good deal of knowledge to the table. I know of lot a ways to fail at this relationship but we are still going strong, so that must mean I have also figured out a thing or two that keeps it going. Being active members on the committee, I hope will make this lifestyle an even larger part of our daily lives. Not only will we be going to monthly meetings but we will be planning meetings and reaching out to members of the community, researching and broadening our knowledge and hopefully our friendships as well. Yeah, I'll probably have to talk more but the upside of it all makes it seems like a pretty insignificant worry.

On a different note, but something mentioned above, elle has started calling me Master. Not all the time, but here and there and I must say, it's thrilling to hear. I haven't reached the point where I fully accept that title as something that I feel comfortable calling myself, but to know that she obviously feels I have reached that point, that I have earned my Master stripes in the eyes of my slave, now that is heart thumping and mind tingling. It took us...er, me, so long to figure my shit out, I thought I would never make it as a Dom and now I am hearing Master!

I finally feel after all these years, that I may been growing and able to confidently say I own a slave without it feeling like just  a bunch of letters thrown together void any real truth behind it. I own a slave! I own a slave! I'm still pretty awful with this at times when I let the focus slip because something else is getting in the way, but now it takes only a short time to get back on track rather than before when we would have to start trying to build a new track from scratch each time. Now we just pull a couple weeds and the track is clear again.

Nothing to See Here

So I'm not too sure what I am here writing about today but since it has been over a month since either myself or Lee has published anything I though that I should attempt something.

A quick recap on the baby-makin' front- we had our first insemination last month which was unsuccessful but earlier this week we had our second, which we think will have better chances of being successful (I had 3 eggs developing this time as opposed to only 1 last time, but that also means that there's a chance of having multiples).

Other than baby stuff and work we haven't been doing too much. It was pride a few weeks ago so we went to a couple of the events and the parade but that's about it though really. Lee has been trying to get our garden growing, which after so many years of neglect from previous tenants, is taking a monumental effort! About 10 days ago I took three days and cooked and baked a whole bunch of stuff for the freezer so that I/we can have quick/easy meals that are still mostly healthy on days that I work and don't feel like cooking. That was a feat! I ran out of room in my freezers so I had to quit before I had made everything! Next time I will try to plan better, both my time and the amount of food I will make. This was the first time that I have tried to do anything on this scale before, in the past i have made a couple of casseroles or the like and froze them individually portioned but that was for work lunches mostly. I like knowing that I can still serve Sir a decent dinner after work when I'm tired or that She has things that She can pull out on the evenings that I work.

On to the kinky stuff then...

The other day Lee told me that this weekend we're going to go over the rules and if we think I am ready for Her to increase the corrective action if/when I break a rule. Most of them I would say that I am ready for the increase. There have been a few that I have struggled with though. I think the hardest ones for me are remembering to ask permission before leaving the room and asking permission before eating a sweet/treat item (especially when Lee's not around). When we had that rule a few years ago I did fairly well with it so I'm not sure why I am struggling with it now. I kind of think that having a "bigger" punishment for infractions will help me remember better.

We haven't had much for play time lately and with possibly being pregnant that puts more restrictions on what we can do. Although, when we were at The Ball last weekend we watched a few rope/suspension scenes that we both enjoyed. Neither of us have had any real desire to "learn rope" and until recently. Since we have been actively trying for a baby and trying to figure out ways that we will be able to play still while I am being an incubator the topic of rope has come up. For me, the draw is the restriction/bondage aspects of it. (I imagine it's probably the same for most bottoms?) I haven't asked Lee what it is exactly that draws Her to rope but I'm guessing that it is probably similar to me (but from the other side, obviously). Since neither of us have any experience with rope I'm not sure how to get started, a book or two and/or the internet I guess? And find some decent rope to start playing with I imagine.

The one new thing that has been coming up lately is a desire in me to "top" someone. Just in play mind you. I have had similar desires before but not to the extent or explicitness that I have been feeling lately. There have been a few occasions lately where I just want to beat on someone. The feeling goes beyond just being playful. I don't really understand where the feelings are coming from and don't know what to do about it since I don't have anybody to beat on. I really wish I had a group of subs/slaves that I could talk to about this like I did in Victoria.

I have been contemplating trying to start a submissive women's group here for that and many other reasons. I keep going back and forth about whether I have time for it, and since i am relatively unknown here I don't know if people would question if I have what it takes to be in charge of a group like that. I know how I would like the group to operate and I have come up with a list of a few topic ideas for meetings already. I have been thinking of messaging the woman who is the leader of the subby women's group that I was a part of in Victoria to see if she has any advice to offer.

Well, I think that's all for today. I'll try to write again soon.

No turning back now!

It still baffles me, how we have spent so long trying to get this lifestyle in order and running smoothly with only little successes here and there and big derailments along the way, then suddenly a month ago, it all just clicks, the pieces fall into place and it's as if we have always been like this.  elle has wholeheartedly thrown herself into her submission and everyday improves upon her obedience. She is attentive, relaxed, and eager to do as she is told . She is like a flower that has finally  been planted in fertile soil and each time she serves me she grows and sprouts new buds. She is blossoming the more she sits in submission at my feet. A very big confirmation of this came for me Friday night after one hell of a scene.

We had decided earlier in the week that we were going to have a rough scene Friday evening since there is a chance that within days she could be pregnant and some of our most loved activities will have to be put on hold for quite sometime. Kicking and punching my pregnant wife is definitely not going to happen. So come Friday we talked about what we wanted from the scene and elle did some dinner prep, since after play the last thing that either of us feels like doing is cooking. I rearranged the living room to give us plenty of space, since this scene was going to be intense  and then we got to it.

This scene was built around the idea of her being taken and brought to me, needing to be broken and trained into slavehood so that I could sell her off to someone that would be her Master. She fought back, obviously, and through mental terrorism (convincing her of her utter vulnerability and isolation, playing the nice guy when she did what I ordered, forcing her to beg for more ) physical assault (kicking, hitting with various implements, ripping her clothes off, raping her mouth, caging) and positive reinforcement of slave behaviours (calling her good slave, graduating her from the slave corset into her slave outfit so she wasn’t naked anymore, and rewarding her earnest pleas for more with more) she finally broke. At the end I locked her back in the cage and told her when I came back for her she would be ready to accept her new life as a slave. End of scene.

It was only about two minutes that I left her in there, while I sat down close by to remove my boots. When she started to softly cry I opened the door for her, wanting her to come out so we could snuggle and I could give her some chocolate and love. Her head was definitely still in the scene and it took some time to get her to lay down with her head on her slave pillow, rather than kneel on it as she originally did. We cuddled and slowly she came around. This had all been over a three hour span.

Where I say that confirmation of her submission came was, following all of this it was 9:30 and the pre-play snack we had was long used up. Dinner was prepped but needed cooking and I was not at all keen to do so. When food was mentioned my head was saying "Toast? Ya I could manage to make us some toast" when she said, once she was up she could manage to cook and then off she went and cooked up a delicious meal, while I sat in the living room doing a few things on my phone. I was thrilled. Usually after play she is either very sleepy and out of it(not that I blame her, she takes a lot from me!) that I get food, hence the toast, or she turns bratty as if she is rebelling against having just submitted. Just getting up to make dinner without a word of protest, or even having  me say to do it, showed just how far she has come, how deep she has gotten into her slave mindset.

We talked later, or maybe it was before, and elle said that she feels like she has just been floating on a cloud for the past month. I would have to agree. Not just for her but for myself as well. I feel like I have finally grabbed a hold of what dominance means to me. Not what I have read of others and tried to measure myself against, but of what I can envision this life looking like for us in the long run and where my niceness can live in unison with my dominance. I don’t have to be a cold, hard ass domme to make this work but I'm not just a passive domme either. I could definitely get used to this!

I must say that was probably the best scene that we have had. Maybe at some point I will actually write out all that took place, it would make a pretty hot story for you I'm sure, but for now you will just have live with the morsel I put in this post. Gotta keep you coming back for more!

Our newest rules have now been posted.

Ready, Set, Go!

Ok. Let's get one thing straight. I don't want this blog to turn into a mommy blog. But we are trying to have a baby. Having a baby for any couple is a big deal. Now add the fact that we are a same sex couple that are also in a power exchange relationship to all of the "vanilla" worries and the situation gets much more involved. Trying to get pregnant and having a baby are big events going on, they are going to influence and be influenced by the uniqueness our situation. It is going to inevitably become the topic of some blog posts, when it is relevant to our M/s.

The "active" phase of baby making started a few days ago with me taking a medication that will help increases the chance of me ovulating more. I had been warned that I could have side effects that are kind of PMS and menopause at the same time, hello emotional roller-coaster!, plus other more physical side effects. But for me the worry was (and still is) that this medication will fuck me up and send me on a downward spiral again. So far so good, actually the opposite almost. This morning while texting with Sir, I was overwhelmed with my love and desire to serve Her, in the good kind of way. That same feeling of peace that I have talked about before. I'm thinking it's a subspace kind of thing but quite in the same way as when we play.

I'm going on record right now, fertility treatment is not romantic! All of the tests that I've done, the surgery that I had and problems related to that, the clinic and counselling appointments, the pills, the paperwork, all of it is not hot! I wish that we could have gotten pregnant "the old fashioned" way even though I know that was never an option. A night of passion... and poof! A baby! 

Last night was, in my opinion, one of the hottest moments that Lee and I have had in our whole baby making journey. Lee was getting my pills out for me last night. I took my regular ones but when She got to my fertility ones I knelt down in front of Her. She had me say my mantra before putting the pills in my mouth. It may not seem like much to some but that is one of the first things that we have been able to do as a couple other than signing consent forms and going to counselling. The first private thing. To be able to have a moment, just a moment, where this very medicalized process could be private and romantic was so wonderful. Reflecting on that moment right now is bringing tears to my eyes. Lee told me that She also enjoyed it. I have to work this evening so Lee will be in bed asleep when I get home so we won't get the chance to do that again tonight but I hope that we will be able to resume it Thursday night.

Well, that's all I have time for. Even though I didn't really end up writing much about the topic I had planned on focusing on I've got stuff to do before I go to work so I've got to do that. 

Work in Progress

I have been instructed to write this post.... I don't really have much to say on any particular topic... Lee suggested I write about what I think is bringing out my slavery more and how it feels to be in that mindset more. So I guess that's where I'll start. 

What is making it "easier" to be Lee's slave lately? To be honest, I don't really have an easy answer to that question. It definitely makes it easier when Lee is being more dominant. 

I think having other people that are in PE relationships around us has been a huge influence on why it's been easier for me to submit. Here's the deal. Up until recently Lee and I haven't had anyone who we have been close to that are also in a power exchange based relationship. We have met some amazing people thanks our local MAsT group. And because of MAsT and the people we have met through it, we have been so much more immersed in M/s. We have more frequent external.... reminders.... encouragement...reinforcement? i can't think of the right words to describe what I am thinking.  

You know how you tidy up the house a bit extra when you're having special company or when you're at a fancy restaurant you use better table manners? It's the same kind of thing. When we are with other M/s people, and to a lesser extent kinksters, I have found that we naturally use a slightly higher protocol. Plus, it's not like we can carry out some of our rules/protocols in front of just anybody. Getting down on my knees in front of Lee when it's just the two of us doesn't feel quite as exposing as when there are other people around. I don't know, am I alone on this or do other people feel like this too? Maybe it's because it's a rather new phenomenon for us?

So I think I covered the why part, so, I guess it's on to how does it make me feel. Well, I have talked about my struggle with mental health problems before but I don't think I have much recently. In the months leading up to now I have been getting more and more depressed (fairly seriously at times). I have been scared, no terrified, of the though of having a baby. I have been worried that if there are any complications with getting or staying pregnant that it will have serious negative consequences on me, which would obviously mean problems between Lee and I. Lee had even made an appointment with the doctor for me to talk about adjusting my meds. But I have been feeling so much better that She agreed to let me pause that talk. I feel more at peace right now than I have for a while. I feel like being Lee's slave has righted something in my head. Serving Her brings my mind and body a feeling of peace that I have never had before. 

Last night we had to go shopping after work. When we got home we were both tired. Luckily dinner was easy to make so Lee said She would do it. She told me to do the dishes. I wined that I was too tired and just wanted to go sit down. There weren't that many and they could wait till today was my thinking. Lee allowed me to get off with getting the coffee maker set for the morning for Her. While I did that She got dinner started. When She came back in from the bbq and I had started the dishes. She asked me why. I said that I had told myself that if there were few enough dishes to not worry about then it wouldn't take much to wash them and that since She had told me to do something, I should do it. I read on the Submissive Guide a bit ago something about obedience and how delayed obedience is still disobedience and partial obedience is complete disobedience. I have been thinking of that quite a bit lately and trying to work towards the goal of being more obedient cause I think there are times when I do fall into the delayed or partial obedience. I think that I'm doing better. Yes last night I delayed carrying out Lee's order, but I did end up doing it. It is a ongoing struggle, to be a better me, a better slave for my Sir. I am a work in progress.

Nature Need Nurture

So I was going to write a post about reactive and proactive service but since book study the other night I've been thinking about the whole nature versus nurture when it comes to this lifestyle. Am I born dominant or is our life together creating this person? I have read many times other Doms' thoughts on this topic and each time they say you MUST be born a Dom or you aren't a REAL Dom I fight against it; I get frustrated and angry and unfortunately start to question my realness.

I don’t feel I was born with a dominant personality. Growing up, I always put the happiness of others first, going even back to the days when my siblings and I (I'm the youngest) were young enough to get excited over the silly little prizes that come in cereal boxes. My mom would put them away until there were enough for us to choose between. If I wanted one that either of them wanted, I would let them have it. I've always shied away from conflict by giving others what they wanted, even when I didn’t want to or really didn't have the money to, I would give in. I'd buy them the ridiculous guitar they were never going to play, or take them on a weekend getaway though they weren't working and the bills were barely getting paid. I'm pretty sure for many years I had a welcome sign taped to my back that people used to wipe their muddy shoes on. 

My mom raised us on her own since I was two, when my dad was killed in a trucking accident. I don’t think she ever fully dealt with her grief and suddenly having three kids under 7 to raise alone must have been terrifying to say the least. She was a strong mother in that she managed with the cards she was dealt and raised us on her own and we all turned out to be pretty good people, with a few minor hiccups along the way. However, she is nervous, self conscious, and lacking in independence - odd since she has lived either with us or alone for the passed...holy fuck! thirty years this June! - you would think some independence would grow from that. 

I think I fashioned myself after my mother in that way, and until four years and four months ago when I met elle those traits were the ones that were nurtured along either from unconscious copying as a child to ex-partners using them for their benefit. It wasn’t until my relationship with elle that other buried traits were slowly but surely identified. Her love, trust and belief in me have slowly watered long dormant seeds of strength I didn't know were there. Instead of taking advantage of my long history of putting others first, she has asked of me to put myself first and to decide what is best for us. She has told me in many ways that I deserve to and it's ok to say no. She has shown me, especially in the last two weeks, that I can be more decisive and I can ask much more of her without my expectations of her to comply leading to conflict, quite the opposite actually. Having her thank me for making her stand back up or come back to the room because she has not had permission to sit or leave, gives me a bit of a heady, giddy feeling.

I feel myself becoming more confident and questioning less the more elle helps nurture these seeds of power and control by responding more quickly and eagerly to my needs and wants. I feel her committing more to her submission each time I take more and expect her to give more. In this, her submission is being nurtured too. She has a dominant personality but has very strong submissive traits that need nurturing as much as my dominance needs it.

So do I believe dominance is nature or nurture? Both actually. I am coming to the realization dominance is in me but I am not a dominant person without it being nurtured. We are born with many traits I think, but unless they are nurtured they aren't going to blossom. They will just remain unfertilized seeds hidden in the muck of our souls.

A Contract You Say?!?

We had a great talk last evening. We talked about the rules and I think that everything that I mentioned in yesterday's post will continue to happen (and restart for the ones that have fallen away). I will let Lee finish writing them up then post them. We didn't fully talk about the "if you don't follow the rule this is what will happen" part, that's more Her job than something we do together really.

After dinner we listened to a podcast together. We have been talking about doing this for quite a while now, Lee had even written into our rules that we would read/listen to M/s and PE stuff and talk about it last time She/we updated them. So we listened to the Approaching D/s as a Lifestyle episode from Erotic Awakening. The majority of what they were saying was more basic/beginner than where we are at but towards the end they talked about contracts. So our post podcast talk revolved around contracts. We have started talking about writing a contract recently. To be honest, in the beginning of our relationship I didn't see the need for one but the longer we are at this the more that I see how having a contract could be such a blessing to our M/s (oh and as a side note, Lee told me yesterday to use M/s instead of D/s because She thinks that it more accurately reflects our dynamic even though She doesn't call Herself a Master... More on that later...)

We aren't planning on writing up a contract any time soon. It's something that we both agree needs to have time to develop naturally without the pressure of time constraints. We made a list of some things we thought are important to include. Obviously other things may/will come up between the time the contract actually gets written and now but so far here's what we want to include. Our responsibilities to each other and our dynamic, a mission statement of sorts-something that will not only outline our M/s commitment and values but, also, if we have a child, our family values (I firmly believe that we are a family already, we don't need a child to be one. However, our M/s values are our current family values and if we don't end up having a child they will remain that way. But if we do have a child I'm sure that there are things that we will need to incorporate.) We also want to have a clearly defined renewal time. We will also include our rules and protocols that are already in place.

The biggest thing that we need to work on for the contract is to learn what are true needs and wants are. Although we didn't discuss that topic in too much detail I imagine that that will include both personal and relationship needs and wants. Lee had mentioned about including a goal but I said that I thought that the goal would be to have our needs and wants met and thinking about it now, a mission statement is a kind of a goal, isn't it?

Why do we want a contract? We didn't get much time to discuss this but the first and main reason is for the structure. I have come to view signing a contract as almost synonymous as signing a marriage license. It will be a monumentous  (sp?) occasion for us. At one point I asked Sir why if She felt it was important for us to have one for our M/s then why don't we have a marriage contract? Her reply was "Our marriage is M/s". Don't know why but hearing Her say that struck me pretty hard. Not that I had ever viewed our marriage as a separate entity from our M/s but hearing those words come from Her mouth made me realize that She believes that too I guess was part of why it hit me. I don't know why since our wedding vows have hints of our PE laced throughout them. Heck we even used our "scene names" during the wedding (which is what we use with each other and are, in truth, derived from our "real" names) except for the legal mumbo jumbo part.

While we were talking I was in tears a few times. Those who know me know that I am a bit of a waterworks case, so the fact that I was tearing up last night comes at no surprise. We both commented that we feel like we have such renewed hope for our future. I feel like Sir has changed. For a long time I could feel Her struggle with a role that She was not fully comfortable in. I don't see Her "playing" a role any more, She has really blossomed, for lack of a better word, into being a great Daddy Dom. She is now (at least from where I'm sitting) seems confident and sure in Her position as our leader in our PE. When I told Her that she seemed very happy. I also apologized for not telling Her how great She was this weekend, She kept telling me that I was being good but I never praised Her. So I told Sir that She had been a good girl too, which got a bit of a chuckle.

I feel like there is something else that I wanted to say but for the life of me I can't remember what that is now so I think I'm going to end this here. I have stuff I want to get done around the house so I'm off to do that now. 

Before I do leave though I want to ask, if you're reading this and have any tips for writing a contact please either leave us a note in the comments section or you could PM Lee or I on Fetlife (my profile)

A Turning Point

I think that Lee and I have turned a corner in re-establishing our D/s and even taking it to a whole new level. On Saturday we went tot he protocol dinner that our local MAsT group put on. We usually operate at a relatively low protocol and for fun wanted to amp it up for the dinner. To get into it even more Lee decided that we would start the higher protocol on Friday. The dinner was wonderful and getting to have a whole evening surrounded by others who are all not just kinky but into power exchange made the evening so special. On Sunday we talked about how we each thought the evening had gone. It was decided that since we both enjoyed the more formal protocol that we would keep it going. Sunday evening we had Easter dinner with the family so obviously it was much less overt but we still managed to keep it going. While getting ready for bed last night we decided that we are going to keep this level of protocol up.

We are going to talk more about it tonight once Lee gets home from work. I imagine we will institute a trial period then re-evaluate and either scrap them or make them part of our permanent set of rules. This could be/is a big moment for us. I am hopeful that this will make lasting changes in our relationship. I don't think that our rules page has been updated with our most current set of rules (I just checked and nope it sure isn't, I'll have to fix that or get Lee to since they are on Her computer) but what i foresee being added is the following: I must ask permission to leave Sir's presence, tell Her where I am going and ask if She wants anything while I'm away; Ask permission to sit when I am with Sir and; As much as possible I have to kneel in front of Her to present things (not sure if it's going to be just food like we have been doing so far or anything I give Her).

Also, Lee said last night that while I don't need specific permission to use the washroom right now I will in the future. I have been thinking (uh oh!) and have come up with a few modifications: I want to add a piece that limits my use of furniture while Lee is around and change the waiting for permission to eat rule to include that Sir should start the meal then invite me to eat with Her. I think we should also reinstate the sweets/treats and water consumption rules that we have let fall by the wayside because one of our current focuses is supposed to be on eating healthier.Neither of us have been the best with this one so those two rules would help meet that goal. But to be honest we haven't been doing so hot with any of our focuses for this month (they are speaking restrictions, eating healthier and morning text message). To be fair though we haven't had a situation come up recently that would require my to have my speech restricted, which is a good thing since that means that we haven't had any disagreements! I don't have an excuse for the eating healthier one though.

I have always thought that I would do better in a highly structured rules-based relationship. I don't think that Lee fully believed me until yesterday. She kept telling me, both yesterday and today, that I'm being such a good girl and remembering all of our new rules quite well. I can't even tell you how much I loved that. I don't think that there is much better on a slave's ears than praise for pleasing their Dom.

Daddy has called me Her slave for some time now. In the beginning of our D/s relationship I did not think of myself as a slave. I don't really have the time right now to get into my opinion of sub vs. slave except to say that my opinion is mostly based around 24/7 power exchange and is very different than what I thought when we first started this kinky ride. I've been thinking about my role a lot lately and have decided that I feel that slave represents my position in our relationship. I changed my D/s relationship status today on Fet so that makes it legit and shit, right?!?

Radical Acceptance and Freedom of Speech

So about three or so months ago we were in a pretty poor situation with our D/s. It was nearly non-existent and we eventually talked and decided that drastic changes needed to be made. We actually decided to fully drop the dynamic, since it was more of a painful joke than anything else, and I would take sometime to do some research, some soul searching and figure out who I am and what I need without the pressure and stress of trying to do it in the middle of our D/s. So things stopped and I got down to reading and though we weren't doing great, at least some of the pressure I tend to put on myself to be this "Domme" person was reduced. I didn't have the constant thought that I should be in some way controlling elle right now instead of just sitting here reading. In the first week or two we didn't really talk about what was going on and I felt very distant from elle and really much of our relationship. It was very sad, but I tried to keep it in my head that this was happening because I needed some time to figure things out so that when we did try again I had more self awareness and confidence.

In this short time, I think we both realized that what we thought was a complete lack of D/s before had actually been some aspects that had just become second nature that we didn't even consciously connect them to a power exchange any more. Yet when we actually acknowledged that we were going to stop all of it, these little things became more obvious in their absence. It was only a few weeks in before elle came to me and asked if we could bring a little bit back because she was really missing even just the bit that we had. I was too. Slowly we have been building back up, we are talking more, and we are both doing our reading and thinking. I am still far off from really knowing what I want, what my vision for our future power exchange is, or what direction to lead my girl in in order to succeed this time around. Even still, things are going very well. I am taking more control and elle is following my lead more.

This leads me into what my actual topic of thought for this post is. A week or so ago, elle received her first punishment in quite sometime. If you read her post from earlier today you will know why she was punished, if you haven't, here is a brief summary. I have insomnia that is being treated relatively successfully right now with medication. Last week I saw my doctor again and it's been pretty well decided that I am just in a waiting period now until I see a sleep psychologist (this could take up to another year). I thought since a psychologist is basically just going to give me some methods of cognitive behavioural therapy that I could try to get a start on things by going through a workbook on the subject myself. I figured I would read a bit of that, read a bit of D/s and throw in a fiction novel here and there. elle saw my fractured focus as a threat to our progress and after stewing for a few hours told me what she thought. After her initial, halting question of "did I think I could focus on both books" she asked if I would like her opinion which I said yes. She explained her fear - we were going to loose our forward momentum if I let my focus turn to something else simultaneously. I hadn't considered this, so I thanked her for letting me know how she felt and for not burying her feelings for days, as she commonly does.

I was good with all the above. She is free to speak her mind and she did so very respectfully. The punishment came in, when hours later we were heading to bed and she begged for a punishment because she was feeling guilty for second guessing my decision to read the book. With this she put me in a tough spot. I didn't feel she needed to be punished for speaking her mind when there is no restriction in place. I thought she did so respectfully and I often ask for her opinion because I have an intelligent, thoughtful girl. She made a valid point, which I happened to understand and agree with. Whether I would loose my focus, I don't know, but we are doing so well I didn't want to jeopardize that when it brought up fears in elle.

She was however ignoring my side of our conversation when I thanked her for telling me her feelings and that I was not upset with her for doing so. But she felt she did wrong and took it upon herself to decide for me that she needed to be punished. Now another Domme may say that I was giving her exactly that by still punishing her, that they would not have punished her, would let her stew in her guilt, and the lack of punishment and clearing of her conscience would have been the punishment. I don't work in that way. I still gave her a hard, painful spanking. We have wooden handled, rubber...I'm not even sure what you would call it...we call it 'the mother fucker'. It's about eight inches long, one inch wide and half inch thick piece of rubber and it can mother fuckin hurt. It doesn't take much to take it from wonderful pain to painful punishment. I told her why she was actually being punished and once I felt she had, had enough I forgave her and told her it is all behind us.

She is not good at letting things go and forgiving herself. She is still feeling guilty and I don't know what to say. A writing assignment may be the way to proceed with this as she is still going against me but I know it is not a wilful rebellion. Growth involving self forgiveness and letting things go are part of what I need to focus her training on. Radical acceptance as she calls it.

elle desperately wants and needs to have control taken from her, but there is a part that fights tooth and nail against being dominated when it isn't exactly in line with her idea of what that looks like. Such as me telling her she is to make the call to order the sperm I have chosen. Her thought was that I would pick, she wouldn't know any details and when it came time to inseminate that would be the first time she had anything to do with that part of the process. My idea however is to pick the sperm, which I have done, not tell her anything about the donor and make her order this completely anonymous sperm that is going to be used to make her pregnant. Too me that puts my control over her body and the choosing of the sperm much more in her face; to her it gives her a responsibility with the sperm and access to information that can be used to find out about the donor. I think it may come down to me just flat out ordering her to call. I have listened to and considered her side; I have chosen to stay with my original plan. This is where we come down to whether free speech needs to actually be restricted. Perhaps it would help with her guilt to know that she can't just tell me what she thinks on everything hoping I will change course and she will realize that there are times when I may not even want to here her side; I just want her to do what I say.

T minus one hour seven minutes until The Walking Dead! That means time for me to get on with a few other things before the fabulous zombies return. Are your ready for the zombie apocalypse?

Journalling

Part of the reason that I haven't written since last time is that I am also keeping a paper journal. To be honest, I am not a computer kind of girl and I find it almost cold to type out my feelings on a keyboard than to pick up my favourite pen and a book and write. But upon learning last night that there are at least a few people who read my/our ramblings I thought that I'd transcribe some of what I have been writing in my journal to here.

When I started my journal, which I bought and initiated on my own, I made a list of things that I felt were the issues that are most in need of contemplation. I have left the bottom of the page blank to add topics if something comes up but so far I have: 1. Self-forgiveness and Letting Go- which I have a very hard time with; 2. Correction vs Punishment- what/why, when and how's of it; 3. Focus/Priority for Our Relationship-reflected through our rules' focus maybe, our current goals, maybe a mission statement kind of idea; 4. Importance of Growth- why being required to learn is important to me; 5. Contacts- why should we have one, what do we want in it? I've written a little bit about a few of these topics but not in any detail once I get more cohesive thoughts about something I plan to put it up here too; and 6. "Free Speech" Time- is it necessary?

Earlier in the week Lee brought home a book about insomnia from the library. She has suffered with this problem for a long time. Lately She has been working with our doctor to get it figured out and  it's been quite a challenge but She is on medication now that is working much better. So for now things are not as bad as they have been.

Why do I care about a self-help book? Well, I guess the simplest way to put it is that I saw it as a threat to the work that we are putting into building our Power Exchange. Lee and I have no limits or restrictions on me speaking my mind (which maybe we should have but I'll get to that another time) so when I saw the book, I told Her how I felt. Well, actually I stewed in it for a few hours then I told Her. After I had explained why I felt that our PE was in greater need of Her attention She agreed with me. She even thanked me for telling Her, for looking after Her. I felt so guilty afterwards for second guessing Her decision (that She felt that She could split Her focus on both our PE and Her insomnia- obviously or She wouldn't have gotten the book out from the library now, would She?) and for what I felt was downplaying Her sleep problems. She didn't feel either of those things were true but I couldn't shake the guilt. Before bed that night I begged Her for a punishment spanking. She did but told me the reason that I was getting it was not for why I wanted it but because I wasn't respecting Her telling me that it was over and that I had no reason to feel guilty. It was painful, to say the least. The worst part though? I still feel guilty when I think about it.

Our PE is becoming more and more of an integrated part of our lives and relationship again. I am finding my service side re-igniting. For example, the other night Lee said She like the sound of a recipe for peanut butter choco. chip brownies I showed Her so I asked Her if She wanted me to make it right then while we waited for dinner to finish cooking. The words came out of my mouth before I even realized what I was saying. It was weird, it was almost like I was hearing someone speaking in my voice. She said yes so I made them and the entire time I was baking I was in a wonderful headspace, even when I dropped part of the cooling yumminess on the floor!

Last night after the MAsT meeting we came home and had a kind of wrap up discussion ourselves. Since it was late we didn't get too much into detail but we did talk a bit about the contract that we are I think we are) working towards writing (if I'm wrong Sir then please correct me). I'm sure it will be a long time in the making and then forever evolving. We have both been doing a lot of "research" on D/S, PE and the like as individuals. We both agreed that we need to spend a bit more time doing this together and talk more about what we are researching.

Well, I have to work this afternoon so I'm going to end this here for today. I haven't re-read this for grammar  and such so I apologize if anything is wonky.

Hello Again! Maybe Baby?!?

I had a choice. Once upon a time I had a choice. Now I don’t, I don’t have any say at all in fact. And that’s the way She and I both want it.

Here’s some background info that will help clear things up. Lee and I have been in the process of jumping through all of the hoops of trying to have a baby! It all started officially last spring with a visit to our doctor for a referral to a fertility clinic since we can’t do things the old fashioned way. Since then we (well, mostly me since I will be carrying out baby) have had to have a variety of tests and I had minor surgery but we have finally have gotten to the point where we are ready to order our donor sperm and start actively trying.

Now, back to the topic at hand, my lack of choice. In the beginning of the baby process it was assumed that we would choose a donor together. After the first time we looked we decided that I wasn’t going to be involved in the initial selection. To me it didn’t matter. The way I explain it to friends and family is like this: when you are choosing a mating partner you don’t choose someone that has the qualities that you want your future children to have. So it really doesn’t matter, to me, what colour hair the person has, what they do for a living or anything else. But it does to Lee. She had read a book of short stories, one of which talked about the “other mother” choosing the donor. So we decided we would do that too, Lee would narrow it down to a few choices and we would pick one from those together. This was the plan for many months until recently when I asked Her to take away that choice.

More background info. Lee and I have been really focusing on getting our D/s running more smoothly lately. Since moving we have had a lot of good intentions and a few good attempts but for one reason or another we always “fell off the bandwagon". Lately we have been going well. Also, we have come to the realization that we feel more closely relating to the Daddy/girl labels than Domme/sub one. I almost exclusively call Lee Daddy in private and at kink-friendly events so I am going to use that here instead of Madam, which we have all but abandoned (we have talked about trying out Sir for more formal and /or play situations).

In our relationship, Lee owns me entirely. She is not required to, but often does, consult me about what is done with Her property, anything from my body or our home. I trust Her to make safe, sound choices for us and i have chosen to follow Her. So because of our renewed effort in our D/s I have had a substantial increase in my feelings of submission (obviously!).

And back to the main event again. I imagine that is what spurred my decision to give over the donor choice entirely to Daddy about two weeks ago. I had thought about it for days and the more I thought about it, the more I thought it showed my commitment to our dynamic and relationship.

Telling Lee that I didn’t want to be involved in choosing the donor has been a source of a huge emotional conflict for me though. When I told Her that I felt very submissive giving up this choice She told me that, for Her, it had nothing to do with ownership. For Lee, having exclusive choice of the donor was more about contributing what She could to the making of our baby. Hearing Her say that took away the feeling of being owned immediately. It was so devastating to hear Her say that. For the past few days I had been walking around in a bubble of submission and service to Lee and that bubble popped. One cannot be owned without someone owning them, right? Daddy wasn’t claiming ownership over my body and reproductive rights so that means I still have control over it? I can still say no to whomever She chooses? I struggled with feeling like I had just been abandoned.  During that time I felt very unsure of how I was going to be able to fully submit to someone who I felt like didn’t want total control of my body. We played and during that scene Lee landed a pretty hard boot kick in a not nice hurt kind of way. The next day I had a huge black/purple bruise, and I don’t bruise easily. Daddy was so excited that She had finally marked me but at the same time sad that she wouldn’t be able to reproduce it since it was a bad hurt. I didn’t think much of it and we went about our day. I can’t remember exactly how long after (the next evening maybe?) She was admiring it again. I, out of nowhere, blurted out that I would let Her do it again any time to see that look on Her face. At that exact moment I had that same owned feeling wash over me again. I am coming to the realization that I am the kind of submissive that really requires the “active” Dominant type. I have known that I need it but I am realizing that I really function best as a submissive/slave when Daddy’s presence is felt strongly in my soul. Again after the pain realization I was in my submissive bubble as I am now coming to understand it as.

On a semi-related topic, we have been to two meetings of the local MAsT group. Which is nice because we have both been feeling isolated and I think we might be able to make some good friends through this group.

Yes I know I ignored the fact that it's been months since either one of us have posted anything. I hope to get back into writing here on our little blog, though I’m sure there is nobody actually reading this, it helps to write out my thoughts and organize them into something semi-coherent.