M, F, T...Me

What do you call a person that isn't quite a girl, but isn't a boy, and doesn't fall under trans?

Unfortunately, there is no punch line though that sounds like I'm kicking this off with a joke. Nope, this is just my life.

Growing up, people would mistake me for a boy. I never wanted to correct them out of embarrassment which only got worse when they realized and tried to apologize. Usually, I just tried to get away quickly enough that they wouldn't notice their mistake or at least I wouldn't have to hear when they did. This happened often enough that when I was a bit older and someone called me a girl, I was surprised and even made a comment to my mom along the lines of "she knows I'm a girl!"

Now that I am older, it happens on the rare occasion depending on how I'm dressed and I suppose what direction they are coming at me from and that embarrassment is still there. Yet, call me a lady or ma'am and I cringe and feel like telling them I ain't no lady! But...

...what the fuck does that make me? I don't feel like I am in the wrong body, hence not trans. However, there are certain parts of being a dude that would be pretty great. I could be bigger and stronger that I could pick elle up and carry her to bed when she falls asleep on the couch. I could have a built in cock so that in the middle of spontaneous fun times, I don't have to be like pause, hold that thought while I get strapped in, not to mention being able to feel what we are doing would be awesome. I don't actually want to be a guy though.

Being seen as a woman, or even just saying that, is just awkward and uncomfortable. I have the bits and tits which I guess makes me female and I don't exactly want to get rid of them either, but my head doesn't quite match up. It doesn't match up with anything and I don't like the feeling of not knowing 'what' I am. I don't feel like I fit in with most guys; I don't feel like I fit in with most women. If someone is attracted to me, what do they see, what am I, what do they expect me to be?

elle says that I am me and I fit with her and that's all that matters, which yes that is very true. She has accepted me as this and we work amazingly together. With her all I need to be is me, same with a few friends. Beyond that I don't know and I just feel lost, alone, alien.

This is a big part of why I am an introvert I think. If I bury my nose in a book my mind is busy with the story and not having to process the image in the mirror or worry about what others are seeing. Being social means needing to fit inside one of two holes and figuring out what side people are consciously or subconsciously expecting me to be on.

I'm sure I confuse some people, especially when I am called Sir. Which I must say, I love to hear.

I seem to be thinking about this a lot lately, maybe because we talk more and more about cucking and/or poly and it makes me so unsure of how to let others know me when I don't know me. It would be a lot easier if life had a back or undo button. I could say something, I could approach someone and if it doesn't go the way I want then I could just hit undo and not feel like a dumbass!

Orgasm Denial and Our Plans for the February long weekend

Three nights ago i had my last orgasm until the February long weekend (the 13-15^th) when Master and i will be attempting a cutting scene again. She will still be using me as Her sex toy during that time but i won’t be allowed to cum. We have set up a punishment structure for if i do go too far and not stop Lee in time. This kind of falls in line with the cuckqueaning idea that we have been fantasizing about. But since Lee doesn’t have a replacement for me and She still has “needs that need fulfilling”, She has continued to fuck me.

i’ve never fully talked about why i want to be cucked and to be honest i’m still not entirely sure why i want it. i think part of it for me is that i love to share what i love. If i am eating something delicious, i want to share it with my table mates. If i know some delightful tidbit of info i want to share it with Lee. i think cucking is kinda the same idea. i love being fucked by Lee and want to share that wonderful experience with another woman (or women, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here!!!) . i also love the humiliation and degrading aspects of being made to watch another woman get to have sex and possibly be beaten by my wife. i want to have a relationship with her too, someone that i could be close to and maybe have a bit of sexy fun together on occasion (to amuse Master, of course!). i also am torn with a love/hate feeling of fully giving up control of something so personal, control of my sexuality. One day down the line i’d love it if Master put me a chastity belt, or i had a piercing done similar to pictures i’ve seen. Don’t get me wrong, right now Master has complete control but having a device of some sort is a very real physical reminder that is hard to ignore so you are constantly reminded that your sex is owned by another person. Hot but scary all at the same time.

Lee and i have role-played me being someone else, Her cuckcake. There is a part of me that enjoys the thought of being the cuckcake too. i have had fantasy snippets of getting to be the one having sex with Lee and having another person be cucked. Co-topping in a scene (not “outside the bedroom”) with me being in a more supportive role rather than a full-fledged “Top” is what i picture, which is in line with what i just mentioned. i did enjoy parts of topping when Lee and i first started out and i topped Her but now i don’t have any desire to do those kinds of things to Her for real, despite the jokes that i might make to Master once in a while. Sometimes i do get turned on by the idea of being the top in a scene with someone other than Lee though and Lee and i have briefly talked in the past about me playing with someone else but nothing has ever been pursued.

On the topic of the cutting, those that know me or have read enough of this blog know i have a history of self-harm, primarily cutting. Lee and i want to work through this limit as it has limited our play. i really want to be able to allow my Master to do anything that She wants and right now i can’t do that. We are planning a whole weekend of events for this and chose this specific day being that we both have the time off that we can have two days after just in case i have a reaction like last time. We’ve talked about renting a nice hotel room for the night and having a staycation day on the Sunday but we haven’t planned anything quite yet. i’ll fill in the details next time i write.

Well, that’s all that’s swirling around in my head right now. Except that we just passed the sixth anniversary of our first date! That’s crazy, it feels both far too short of a time and at the same time too long ago!