A Storm is Brewing

It has been quite a while since I have said anything here, but not for lack of things to talk about. I have stared at the blank screen on a number of occasions and have second guessed writing about any of the topics or feelings that have come to mind, but here goes...
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Life is complicated. We have run up against a number of difficult issues over the past few months and haven't really come up with any easy fixes yet. About a month ago, the three of us went to Kahwaii's parent's cabin on the lake. It was wonderful being out there with boat access only, one neighbor in the bay, and very little for modern convenience. I could really easily just live in a place like that. I was really looking forward to three days with just my girls and getting some extended time with Kahwaii without anyone having to go home at the end of the night.

We had some fantastic moments out there - we took advantage of the lack of people and had an incredible outdoor humiliation scene followed up by really hot sex and a chance to cuck elle. Sitting on the dock, watching the sun set over the water was beautiful, though it made me a bit homesick for Victoria. We snuggled on the couch in front of the fire and simply seeing Kahwaii each day made me very happy.

Unfortunately, shit hit the fan a couple of times and a decent amount of our time was spent trying to figure out hurt feelings and upset emotions. See, Kahwaii and I have a very good connection and apparently our energy is rather overpowering. We think we are being inclusive and tell elle she is always welcome to join conversations and such, but due to our connection I guess we look involved in private moments that aren't inviting. elle felt excluded and hurt by this.

The second night in, after the humiliation and cucking, I tucked elle into bed because she was falling asleep. As I did so, she encouraged me to tell Kahwaii that I love her (I confessed this to elle quite awhile ago). I did and Kahwaii said it back. It was great being able to say it to her with elle's encouragement...until things went sideways. Turns out, elle encouraged me because she knew I wanted to tell Kahwaii and thought that was what I wanted to hear. I did want her support, but I wanted it truthfully. It hurts elle to know I am loved back and this has brought out a fair bit of jealousy that she's having a hard time overcoming. We've realized that she was probably having sub drop and the emotional hurt was bigger because of it, but it's still there.

elle and Kahwaii have some difficulty connecting and their relationship label has changed a few times making emotions run like a rollercoaster. It's hard on both of them trying to figure out feelings and how best to improve their relationship and D/s dynamic. I feel very guilty to be so happy with where Kahwaii and I are at because it hurts elle; I am scared I will lose Kahwaii if they aren't able to connect more; I miss Kahwaii as soon as we are apart and always look forward to when I can see her again. The more time I spend with Kahwaii the harder I fall for her and the bigger my heart will break if it ends. I don't want this to hurt anyone but I don't want to pull back to try to keep that from happening either.

Since coming home from the cabin there has been ongoing jealousy. elle is having a hard time with Kahwaii and I saying I love you (even privately) and for a while had asked if we would refrain. It was very difficult not saying it when we'd finally started to and it felt unfair that we were stopping because the feelings weren't the same between elle and Kahwaii. They are separate relationships that grow differently and it felt like a punishment because ours grew closer faster. Alone time with Kahwaii was also nonexistent since then.

elle wants to be ok with everything and gets mad at herself for not being so. I can understand her side and don't want to hurt her but at the same time I need to be able to throw myself into this relationship with Kahwaii as well to be fair to what we have. We tried to deny it, but we knew from the start feelings were going to happen. We are not primaries but the feelings are no less valid or important. Same with the feelings between elle and Kahwaii. No one is expendable.

This past weekend was a kinky camping event with 80+ people. It was our second time going, and the place where Kahwaii's interest in us started showing last year. It was pretty awesome being there this year and not just watching her from a distance (I think I've already mentioned that I had quite a crush on her from early on in meeting her). Last year secret crush, this year in love.

Things weren't all great though. More or less the same emotions were coming out. At one point I took elle aside because I was getting really upset over the double standard that I felt was happening between what was ok to happen between her and Kahwaii compared to myself and Kahwaii. I've been getting very frustrated by this and pull back from Kahwaii each time the three of us are together in order to not upset elle, that hasn't really been making it better for anyone though.

I don't know how to help them learn each other's language so they can communicate better. I've tried 'translating' for them but I'm worried it's not enough. What I worry is that they are too different everywhere except in their individual levels of dominance in which I think they could be on par if elle was on the top side. It leads to head butting as an unconscious struggle for power. The dynamic is Kahwaii dominant and elle submissive, but I think her brain tells her to push back because it feels there is a chance to gain control. elle can submit to J because he is more dominant and she won't get the control - he intimidates her; she can submit to me because if she doesn't it would royally fuck our shit up; she has a hard time fully submitting to Kahwaii because if she fights enough maybe she can wrest the control away. I'm not saying this is through conscious choice at all, and I know elle doesn't see where she is doing said pushing back, but it is there and I believe is a big reason they have a more difficult time connecting.

(I wrote this a few weeks ago and was going to add more, but am leaving it at this to move on to more recent events.)

Waterboarding may have just save my life....

NOTE:  i wrote this right after the last post but never published it. i'm not going to reread it or i will start editing it and i want it to remain my original feelings so i apologize if it's not the easiest to read.

So on with the show: Waterboarding may have just save my life....

....And, well, our car breaking down probably contributed too.

That is about the craziest thing that i have ever said and may ever say. Hear me out though.

Backstory...
If you've read much of the blog you know i have chronic depression as well as other stuff. i've talked about it before but short story is i've had depression and borderline personality disorder for over half my life now. i've attempted suicide more than once and been hospitalized about half a dozen times (mostly just short stays). i haven't been actively suicidal for many years now but i still often have days where i wish i would just disappear. i've have told Master before that i were to become ill in a way that could kill me (for example, cancer) i would just let it run it's course and take me though.

Onwards...
Our fourth wedding anniversary was two weekends ago now. We went camping at a provincial park in Ontario about 3 hours from home and had a great time. About an hour and a bit outside the city on our way home the fuel pump in our car suddenly died while i was driving. We were very lucky that it happened where it did because i lost power, which meant no steering or brakes once the engine stopped getting fuel. Had it died about 15-20 minutes earlier the highway that we were on would have been much more dangerous (cliffs and lakes= dangerous place not to be able to stop or direct your car) and rather than a tow truck it could have been an ambulance or hearse picking us up.

Car fixed and off we go to Fall from Grace Friday evening. Saturday afternoon we watched a water torture demo. Afterwards we were talking to the guy who did the demo and i mentioned that i was really interested in trying waterboarding so he offered to do it with Lee. He already had two other people that he was going to do so i had a bit of time to stew in my thoughts. i missed the first one as i went for a walk but watched the person before me, i was nervous but not too scared.

When it was my turn my hands were handcuffed i was tied to a coffee table with my arms overhead one end and my bound feet at the other end. A third person straddled across my midsection to hold me down. The the demo guy held one of Lee's shirts over my face and Master poured a bucket of ice cold water, quarter of a bucket at a time, over my face. She'd pour some, the shirt would be removed, they'd give me a few breaths then do it again. It was one of the scariest feeling that i think i've ever had. immediately after i was probably "suffering from" some sub space energy but i felt happy and grateful to be alive and i felt so full of love for both Her and life in general.  After the subspace wore off and i thought a bit about it i wasn't too sure if i liked it. It's dangerous and kinda scared me. Sunday i watched someone else have it done and at that moment i realized that i loved it cause i was envious of the guy that was being waterboarded.

i have told Mater before that there have been times in our play that She stops just before it gets really intense, that i wish She would push a bit further and make me go to that uncomfortable and sometimes scary place and that's exactly what it felt like and more being waterboarded. The last time they put the cloth back over my head, the guy who was holding it down stood in a way in which i couldn't easily clap (which was my "safeword") and that terrified me almost more than the fear of drowning itself.

In the days following i have had more time to process my thoughts and feelings. Add the close call with the car to the waterboarding and you get one very introspective elle. As i explained to Master, doing the waterboarding made me realize something very valuable. i fought to live, i struggled with every ounce of energy i had to LIVE.With my depression there have been many times where i hoped i would die, begged to die and have actively tried to end my own life so for me struggling and fighting to live has made me really think. i half jokingly told Master that if my depression starts to get bad again to waterboard me and i will feel better instantly.

i'm still processing all of my feeling and we have other big things going on in our lives right now that i don't think i will talk about today

i ended up with a fairly large bruise on my forearm from banging my arms on the table trying to get free and the handcuffs bruised my wrists a bit too. We have documented the bruise as i am considering seeing about getting a tattoo done of it as a lasting reminder that there was a moment where i fought to live, once i can figure out how i would explain that to the vanilla folks in my life.

Fall From Grace Weekend Review

Master and i went to Fall From Grace this past weekend. For those who don't know, it's a local kinky camping event. We had such a great time. We had a bunch wonderful new experiences and Master learned a few new tricks and got a few new toys to add to Her goodie bag!

Friday evening was busy. i don't think i retained much from the demo on asphyxiation that evening. We arrived just as things were getting started so after the demo then we had to go set up camp for the weekend. Not much exciting for me to report, i'll let Lee tell you about what She did.

Saturday was a blast- we sat around like kids at camp and had crafts time, except that we made floggers instead of the stuff kids make! Then it was the water torture demo. i'm writing a separate post about that event so if you want to know more read it. The fireside chat that evening got rained out, which was too bad cause i was interested in hearing other people's perspectives on the topic, Love and SM. Hung out in the dungeon for a bit and watched a few scenes while it rained then went back to sit by the fire again after the rain stopped and with a big group of people on a whole variety of topics.

Sunday was great too. In the afternoon we watched a stapling demo and Lee got to try that out on the demo bottom (for sterility reasons the staplers can't be shared and thus not tried on anyone else). Again, i will let Master share Her own thoughts and feelings on the experience. i think it could be a fun way to do temporary chastity piercings.

Later that day a friend showed Master how to do some basic needle play. i've been curious about needle play for years. About four years ago at a fetish night at the local gay bar where we were living i had 4 needles put in my chest at a demo station. While the needles felt good it was very clinical feeling. Ever since then i have wanted Master to try so it was great for Her to finally have a chance to learn. She did a button of three on one side of my chest while our friend did the same on the other side as well as one on my sternum. He tried to do one through my breast just under my nipple but that was hurting a bit too much so that didn't happen this time. Then he walked Lee through doing some on my labia, which She did two there. i'm surprised how relaxed and comfortable i felt. Lee played with me a bit after the needles were in and it was a delicious feeling and from what i could tell it looked like Master enjoyed Herself as well. We kept half the box of needles so that's a good sign that they will be added to the play repertoire. Yay for me!!

Monday was the wrap up- the organizers of the event sat down with those people who were still around to ask their opinions of the weekend-what worked, what didn't etc. i think that was a great idea and i'm sure helps ensure that people have a good time and come back. i also engaged in some non consensual play with one of the tent pegs from our friends' tent. i caught it between my second and third toes on the right foot and ended up with a bruise on my foot and a cut between my toes. It was not pleasant but luckily it was at the end of the weekend rather than the beginning.

Master and i had two rough body play scenes over the weekend, both in the middle of the field where some of the tents were set up. The first one was on Saturday early in the night while most of the other campers were at a bastinado demo. After dinner we went for a walk to the creek that was close to us but it started to storm and the lightening was getting closer so we headed back. i'm not sure exactly what happened but just as we're getting close to the tent Master starts beating on me. She used her fists, feet, knees, and any other part of Her body that She could. The rain was spitting a bit and the cold water felt both wonderful and torturous at the same time. It also made the grass slippery so i ended up on the ground quite a bit. i don't know how long it went on for (20ish minutes?) but seemed to have ended as organically as it started.

The second one was before the needles on Sunday afternoon. Again, not too sure exactly how this one happened but i kinda think i might have egged Her on a bit. That time She went and grabbed Her toy bag and also used Thumper (it's a rope ball at the one end and the rope loops at the other-i assume for it's for throwing? It feels like a fist when Master hits me with it that's all that matters!!), The Mother Fucker (a short thick heavy rubber impact implement that is both thuddy and stingy at the same time and hurts like... a mother fucker) and a thick cane that we got at FFG from NoirLuna. Between the two scenes i ended up with some delightful bruises, mostly on my one arm but there are a few on my other arm, my shoulders, ass and thighs. A picture of the bruise on my right arm is on my fetlife profile.

i'm sure i'm forgetting stuff and maybe when Lee gets around to writing Her version of events She will fill in blanks for me. All in all we had a fantastic time and are already looking forward to next year.