So about three or so months ago we were in a pretty poor situation with our D/s. It was nearly non-existent and we eventually talked and decided that drastic changes needed to be made. We actually decided to fully drop the dynamic, since it was more of a painful joke than anything else, and I would take sometime to do some research, some soul searching and figure out who I am and what I need without the pressure and stress of trying to do it in the middle of our D/s. So things stopped and I got down to reading and though we weren't doing great, at least some of the pressure I tend to put on myself to be this "Domme" person was reduced. I didn't have the constant thought that I should be in some way controlling elle right now instead of just sitting here reading. In the first week or two we didn't really talk about what was going on and I felt very distant from elle and really much of our relationship. It was very sad, but I tried to keep it in my head that this was happening because I needed some time to figure things out so that when we did try again I had more self awareness and confidence.
In this short time, I think we both realized that what we thought was a complete lack of D/s before had actually been some aspects that had just become second nature that we didn't even consciously connect them to a power exchange any more. Yet when we actually acknowledged that we were going to stop all of it, these little things became more obvious in their absence. It was only a few weeks in before elle came to me and asked if we could bring a little bit back because she was really missing even just the bit that we had. I was too. Slowly we have been building back up, we are talking more, and we are both doing our reading and thinking. I am still far off from really knowing what I want, what my vision for our future power exchange is, or what direction to lead my girl in in order to succeed this time around. Even still, things are going very well. I am taking more control and elle is following my lead more.
This leads me into what my actual topic of thought for this post is. A week or so ago, elle received her first punishment in quite sometime. If you read her post from earlier today you will know why she was punished, if you haven't, here is a brief summary. I have insomnia that is being treated relatively successfully right now with medication. Last week I saw my doctor again and it's been pretty well decided that I am just in a waiting period now until I see a sleep psychologist (this could take up to another year). I thought since a psychologist is basically just going to give me some methods of cognitive behavioural therapy that I could try to get a start on things by going through a workbook on the subject myself. I figured I would read a bit of that, read a bit of D/s and throw in a fiction novel here and there. elle saw my fractured focus as a threat to our progress and after stewing for a few hours told me what she thought. After her initial, halting question of "did I think I could focus on both books" she asked if I would like her opinion which I said yes. She explained her fear - we were going to loose our forward momentum if I let my focus turn to something else simultaneously. I hadn't considered this, so I thanked her for letting me know how she felt and for not burying her feelings for days, as she commonly does.
I was good with all the above. She is free to speak her mind and she did so very respectfully. The punishment came in, when hours later we were heading to bed and she begged for a punishment because she was feeling guilty for second guessing my decision to read the book. With this she put me in a tough spot. I didn't feel she needed to be punished for speaking her mind when there is no restriction in place. I thought she did so respectfully and I often ask for her opinion because I have an intelligent, thoughtful girl. She made a valid point, which I happened to understand and agree with. Whether I would loose my focus, I don't know, but we are doing so well I didn't want to jeopardize that when it brought up fears in elle.
She was however ignoring my side of our conversation when I thanked her for telling me her feelings and that I was not upset with her for doing so. But she felt she did wrong and took it upon herself to decide for me that she needed to be punished. Now another Domme may say that I was giving her exactly that by still punishing her, that they would not have punished her, would let her stew in her guilt, and the lack of punishment and clearing of her conscience would have been the punishment. I don't work in that way. I still gave her a hard, painful spanking. We have wooden handled, rubber...I'm not even sure what you would call it...we call it 'the mother fucker'. It's about eight inches long, one inch wide and half inch thick piece of rubber and it can mother fuckin hurt. It doesn't take much to take it from wonderful pain to painful punishment. I told her why she was actually being punished and once I felt she had, had enough I forgave her and told her it is all behind us.
She is not good at letting things go and forgiving herself. She is still feeling guilty and I don't know what to say. A writing assignment may be the way to proceed with this as she is still going against me but I know it is not a wilful rebellion. Growth involving self forgiveness and letting things go are part of what I need to focus her training on. Radical acceptance as she calls it.
elle desperately wants and needs to have control taken from her, but there is a part that fights tooth and nail against being dominated when it isn't exactly in line with her idea of what that looks like. Such as me telling her she is to make the call to order the sperm I have chosen. Her thought was that I would pick, she wouldn't know any details and when it came time to inseminate that would be the first time she had anything to do with that part of the process. My idea however is to pick the sperm, which I have done, not tell her anything about the donor and make her order this completely anonymous sperm that is going to be used to make her pregnant. Too me that puts my control over her body and the choosing of the sperm much more in her face; to her it gives her a responsibility with the sperm and access to information that can be used to find out about the donor. I think it may come down to me just flat out ordering her to call. I have listened to and considered her side; I have chosen to stay with my original plan. This is where we come down to whether free speech needs to actually be restricted. Perhaps it would help with her guilt to know that she can't just tell me what she thinks on everything hoping I will change course and she will realize that there are times when I may not even want to here her side; I just want her to do what I say.
T minus one hour seven minutes until The Walking Dead! That means time for me to get on with a few other things before the fabulous zombies return. Are your ready for the zombie apocalypse?
Showing posts with label Punishment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Punishment. Show all posts
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Journalling
Part of the reason that I haven't written since last time is that I am also keeping a paper journal. To be honest, I am not a computer kind of girl and I find it almost cold to type out my feelings on a keyboard than to pick up my favourite pen and a book and write. But upon learning last night that there are at least a few people who read my/our ramblings I thought that I'd transcribe some of what I have been writing in my journal to here.
When I started my journal, which I bought and initiated on my own, I made a list of things that I felt were the issues that are most in need of contemplation. I have left the bottom of the page blank to add topics if something comes up but so far I have: 1. Self-forgiveness and Letting Go- which I have a very hard time with; 2. Correction vs Punishment- what/why, when and how's of it; 3. Focus/Priority for Our Relationship-reflected through our rules' focus maybe, our current goals, maybe a mission statement kind of idea; 4. Importance of Growth- why being required to learn is important to me; 5. Contacts- why should we have one, what do we want in it? I've written a little bit about a few of these topics but not in any detail once I get more cohesive thoughts about something I plan to put it up here too; and 6. "Free Speech" Time- is it necessary?
Earlier in the week Lee brought home a book about insomnia from the library. She has suffered with this problem for a long time. Lately She has been working with our doctor to get it figured out and it's been quite a challenge but She is on medication now that is working much better. So for now things are not as bad as they have been.
Why do I care about a self-help book? Well, I guess the simplest way to put it is that I saw it as a threat to the work that we are putting into building our Power Exchange. Lee and I have no limits or restrictions on me speaking my mind (which maybe we should have but I'll get to that another time) so when I saw the book, I told Her how I felt. Well, actually I stewed in it for a few hours then I told Her. After I had explained why I felt that our PE was in greater need of Her attention She agreed with me. She even thanked me for telling Her, for looking after Her. I felt so guilty afterwards for second guessing Her decision (that She felt that She could split Her focus on both our PE and Her insomnia- obviously or She wouldn't have gotten the book out from the library now, would She?) and for what I felt was downplaying Her sleep problems. She didn't feel either of those things were true but I couldn't shake the guilt. Before bed that night I begged Her for a punishment spanking. She did but told me the reason that I was getting it was not for why I wanted it but because I wasn't respecting Her telling me that it was over and that I had no reason to feel guilty. It was painful, to say the least. The worst part though? I still feel guilty when I think about it.
Our PE is becoming more and more of an integrated part of our lives and relationship again. I am finding my service side re-igniting. For example, the other night Lee said She like the sound of a recipe for peanut butter choco. chip brownies I showed Her so I asked Her if She wanted me to make it right then while we waited for dinner to finish cooking. The words came out of my mouth before I even realized what I was saying. It was weird, it was almost like I was hearing someone speaking in my voice. She said yes so I made them and the entire time I was baking I was in a wonderful headspace, even when I dropped part of the cooling yumminess on the floor!
Last night after the MAsT meeting we came home and had a kind of wrap up discussion ourselves. Since it was late we didn't get too much into detail but we did talk a bit about the contract that we are I think we are) working towards writing (if I'm wrong Sir then please correct me). I'm sure it will be a long time in the making and then forever evolving. We have both been doing a lot of "research" on D/S, PE and the like as individuals. We both agreed that we need to spend a bit more time doing this together and talk more about what we are researching.
Well, I have to work this afternoon so I'm going to end this here for today. I haven't re-read this for grammar and such so I apologize if anything is wonky.
When I started my journal, which I bought and initiated on my own, I made a list of things that I felt were the issues that are most in need of contemplation. I have left the bottom of the page blank to add topics if something comes up but so far I have: 1. Self-forgiveness and Letting Go- which I have a very hard time with; 2. Correction vs Punishment- what/why, when and how's of it; 3. Focus/Priority for Our Relationship-reflected through our rules' focus maybe, our current goals, maybe a mission statement kind of idea; 4. Importance of Growth- why being required to learn is important to me; 5. Contacts- why should we have one, what do we want in it? I've written a little bit about a few of these topics but not in any detail once I get more cohesive thoughts about something I plan to put it up here too; and 6. "Free Speech" Time- is it necessary?
Earlier in the week Lee brought home a book about insomnia from the library. She has suffered with this problem for a long time. Lately She has been working with our doctor to get it figured out and it's been quite a challenge but She is on medication now that is working much better. So for now things are not as bad as they have been.
Why do I care about a self-help book? Well, I guess the simplest way to put it is that I saw it as a threat to the work that we are putting into building our Power Exchange. Lee and I have no limits or restrictions on me speaking my mind (which maybe we should have but I'll get to that another time) so when I saw the book, I told Her how I felt. Well, actually I stewed in it for a few hours then I told Her. After I had explained why I felt that our PE was in greater need of Her attention She agreed with me. She even thanked me for telling Her, for looking after Her. I felt so guilty afterwards for second guessing Her decision (that She felt that She could split Her focus on both our PE and Her insomnia- obviously or She wouldn't have gotten the book out from the library now, would She?) and for what I felt was downplaying Her sleep problems. She didn't feel either of those things were true but I couldn't shake the guilt. Before bed that night I begged Her for a punishment spanking. She did but told me the reason that I was getting it was not for why I wanted it but because I wasn't respecting Her telling me that it was over and that I had no reason to feel guilty. It was painful, to say the least. The worst part though? I still feel guilty when I think about it.
Our PE is becoming more and more of an integrated part of our lives and relationship again. I am finding my service side re-igniting. For example, the other night Lee said She like the sound of a recipe for peanut butter choco. chip brownies I showed Her so I asked Her if She wanted me to make it right then while we waited for dinner to finish cooking. The words came out of my mouth before I even realized what I was saying. It was weird, it was almost like I was hearing someone speaking in my voice. She said yes so I made them and the entire time I was baking I was in a wonderful headspace, even when I dropped part of the cooling yumminess on the floor!
Last night after the MAsT meeting we came home and had a kind of wrap up discussion ourselves. Since it was late we didn't get too much into detail but we did talk a bit about the contract that we are I think we are) working towards writing (if I'm wrong Sir then please correct me). I'm sure it will be a long time in the making and then forever evolving. We have both been doing a lot of "research" on D/S, PE and the like as individuals. We both agreed that we need to spend a bit more time doing this together and talk more about what we are researching.
Well, I have to work this afternoon so I'm going to end this here for today. I haven't re-read this for grammar and such so I apologize if anything is wonky.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Life and More Bitching
This was written on Thursday evening and i hadn't decided at the time if i would post it. Lee insisted that i do so here it is.
Oh and another thing before i do post it. i want to make something clear. i write more when i'm upset rather than when i'm happy and feeling good. i think this is common amongst journallers but because of this it appears that Lee isn't "living up to being a good Domme". i would like everyone to know right now once and for all, She most definitely is, as well as a good (future) wife and partner. She is on a very steep upward climb right now and i fail to remember that sometimes.
One final note. I haven't written much about my personal life outside of kink. This post was supposed to be about my career and it just kinda morphed into me bitching (once again :( i'm sorry) about how i feel about Madam's domination of me. i am a nurse, an LPN to be exact. i have wanted to be a nurse since i was a little girl. i was a Candystriper (youth hospital volunteer) all through high school. i dreamed of working in the busiest, most intense units, doing the most challenging gory work possible. i graduated from college in September and have been looking for a job only occasionally as i have been enjoying being a housewife/stay at home sub for Madam.
So without further ado here is the post (just a reminder it was written on Thursday late afternoon/evening):
A few hours ago i got offered a job. It’s not my dream job but it’s a nursing job so it’s a step in the right direction. So why am i sitting here with tears running down my face? Why am i not happy, relieved that i will be able to help pay our bills and otherwise lessen the burden of financially supporting us that i have been putting Madam under for the last 6 months?
But no, i sit here so unmotivated that i can’t do anything but cry. i texted Madam telling Her how i feel but Her responses didn’t help any, in fact I’d say they almost did the opposite. She told me to remember the reward of play (if i do all my chores satisfactorily three days in a row we have some sort of play) but at this moment i couldn’t care less about it. i wish i could get up off the couch and do my chores and all the other stuff i had planned for today but my body feels like lead.
Madam just phoned cause i told Her that i was crying. i could tell that She was trying to make me feel better but it didn’t really work. i apologized for saying that i didn’t care. She has relieved me of my chores for the day which makes me feel even worse cause i feel like i’ve let Her down and need to be treated like some fragile porcelain doll.
i want this job but i don’t at the same time. i want to be in a hospital, using all the skills that i learned in school. At a nursing home i will basically be giving out meds pretty much all day long. Exactly what i didn’t want to do. And now i’m going to be travelling over an hour each way on the bus to do it!! But i should be thankful that i have a job, right? i mean a nursing job. i could be working at Starbucks like so many other college/university educated folk are.
i don’t want to work in a fucking nursing home!!!! i said that about my final placement in school (acute rehab) and ended up loving it though so I’m hoping that it’ll end up that i at least like it and can tolerate it for a while for the money. i also hope that it will boost my confidence in looking for more positions.
The other day i had a thought. What about offering my nursing skills to kinksters? i don’t know how many would need real nursing services but since i am kinky as well, if someone needed home nursing i would be able to provide my services and they wouldn’t have to worry about feeling like they had to put away the toys or avoid mentioning their questions about when they can resume playing safely and such.
Madam wants me to have a bath ready for Her when She gets home from work. She wants to cuddle and be able to talk while we relax. Part of me wants that while another part of me wants Her to punish me for not doing anything today. i thirive on routine and structure, when i feel like i do today and let that all fall by the wayside it would be nice to have Her show that She cares about it too. i think that if She had told me that if i didn’t do my chores, or at least some of them that She would be disappointed, upset with me, etc. that would have made me feel guilty about flaking out enough to get my ass in gear. And if She were to punish me for not doing them when She gets home then maybe next time i’m feeling like this i’ll remember the punishment that i received and that will help motivate me then. Also, as i said i thrive on structure and routine and having Her reinforce that would help show me that She cares about what i deep down really care about. There is a part of me that had wanted Her to empathize with how I’m feeling but say something along the lines of “it’s in your and our best interest to maintain your routine. I want you to clean the litter box and sweep right now and text me in five minutes when they are done”. i know She doesn’t like to push me but sometimes i turn to Her hoping to get the push i need to get my ass moving. i don’t think i’ve ever gotten it though. Sometimes i wish She would give me some “tough love”.
i realize that if the dishes don’t get done, the litter boxes don’t get scooped out or the floors don’t get swept that the world isn’t going to crumble but now tomorrow I’m going to have extra chores (on top of daily ones i have semi weekly, weekly, biweekly and monthly ones scheduled for various days). For example, on top of the daily chores i was supposed to vacuum, blog and clean the bathroom, except the tub. Tomorrow’s extra chores are to empty the recycling, wash the hall and bathroom floors, find and recite a reading and tidy the coat/storage closet. i also need to make some lunches for the freezer and bake some muffins. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. Let’s just hope i don’t feel this way again, in fact i need to feel about the exact opposite.
Oh and another thing before i do post it. i want to make something clear. i write more when i'm upset rather than when i'm happy and feeling good. i think this is common amongst journallers but because of this it appears that Lee isn't "living up to being a good Domme". i would like everyone to know right now once and for all, She most definitely is, as well as a good (future) wife and partner. She is on a very steep upward climb right now and i fail to remember that sometimes.
One final note. I haven't written much about my personal life outside of kink. This post was supposed to be about my career and it just kinda morphed into me bitching (once again :( i'm sorry) about how i feel about Madam's domination of me. i am a nurse, an LPN to be exact. i have wanted to be a nurse since i was a little girl. i was a Candystriper (youth hospital volunteer) all through high school. i dreamed of working in the busiest, most intense units, doing the most challenging gory work possible. i graduated from college in September and have been looking for a job only occasionally as i have been enjoying being a housewife/stay at home sub for Madam.
So without further ado here is the post (just a reminder it was written on Thursday late afternoon/evening):
A few hours ago i got offered a job. It’s not my dream job but it’s a nursing job so it’s a step in the right direction. So why am i sitting here with tears running down my face? Why am i not happy, relieved that i will be able to help pay our bills and otherwise lessen the burden of financially supporting us that i have been putting Madam under for the last 6 months?
But no, i sit here so unmotivated that i can’t do anything but cry. i texted Madam telling Her how i feel but Her responses didn’t help any, in fact I’d say they almost did the opposite. She told me to remember the reward of play (if i do all my chores satisfactorily three days in a row we have some sort of play) but at this moment i couldn’t care less about it. i wish i could get up off the couch and do my chores and all the other stuff i had planned for today but my body feels like lead.
Madam just phoned cause i told Her that i was crying. i could tell that She was trying to make me feel better but it didn’t really work. i apologized for saying that i didn’t care. She has relieved me of my chores for the day which makes me feel even worse cause i feel like i’ve let Her down and need to be treated like some fragile porcelain doll.
i want this job but i don’t at the same time. i want to be in a hospital, using all the skills that i learned in school. At a nursing home i will basically be giving out meds pretty much all day long. Exactly what i didn’t want to do. And now i’m going to be travelling over an hour each way on the bus to do it!! But i should be thankful that i have a job, right? i mean a nursing job. i could be working at Starbucks like so many other college/university educated folk are.
i don’t want to work in a fucking nursing home!!!! i said that about my final placement in school (acute rehab) and ended up loving it though so I’m hoping that it’ll end up that i at least like it and can tolerate it for a while for the money. i also hope that it will boost my confidence in looking for more positions.
The other day i had a thought. What about offering my nursing skills to kinksters? i don’t know how many would need real nursing services but since i am kinky as well, if someone needed home nursing i would be able to provide my services and they wouldn’t have to worry about feeling like they had to put away the toys or avoid mentioning their questions about when they can resume playing safely and such.
Madam wants me to have a bath ready for Her when She gets home from work. She wants to cuddle and be able to talk while we relax. Part of me wants that while another part of me wants Her to punish me for not doing anything today. i thirive on routine and structure, when i feel like i do today and let that all fall by the wayside it would be nice to have Her show that She cares about it too. i think that if She had told me that if i didn’t do my chores, or at least some of them that She would be disappointed, upset with me, etc. that would have made me feel guilty about flaking out enough to get my ass in gear. And if She were to punish me for not doing them when She gets home then maybe next time i’m feeling like this i’ll remember the punishment that i received and that will help motivate me then. Also, as i said i thrive on structure and routine and having Her reinforce that would help show me that She cares about what i deep down really care about. There is a part of me that had wanted Her to empathize with how I’m feeling but say something along the lines of “it’s in your and our best interest to maintain your routine. I want you to clean the litter box and sweep right now and text me in five minutes when they are done”. i know She doesn’t like to push me but sometimes i turn to Her hoping to get the push i need to get my ass moving. i don’t think i’ve ever gotten it though. Sometimes i wish She would give me some “tough love”.
i realize that if the dishes don’t get done, the litter boxes don’t get scooped out or the floors don’t get swept that the world isn’t going to crumble but now tomorrow I’m going to have extra chores (on top of daily ones i have semi weekly, weekly, biweekly and monthly ones scheduled for various days). For example, on top of the daily chores i was supposed to vacuum, blog and clean the bathroom, except the tub. Tomorrow’s extra chores are to empty the recycling, wash the hall and bathroom floors, find and recite a reading and tidy the coat/storage closet. i also need to make some lunches for the freezer and bake some muffins. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. Let’s just hope i don’t feel this way again, in fact i need to feel about the exact opposite.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Naughty sub and Our Anniversary
Last night Madam had to punish me. i broke the rule about asking for a treat, twice. i ate a Rice Krispy Square and drank a Coke, both without asking. i knew what i was doing was breaking the rule when i did it but basically chose to ignore it. After my corner time, i begged Madam to give me a spanking but She decided that She wasn't going to. Not as a punishment as least. Instead She upped the intensity of my maintenance spanking quite a bit.
Usually i lay over Her lap and She bare hand spanks me but last night She had me stand and bend over onto the bed. She warmed my ass up with Her hand then used the cane. After She finished we talked for a few minutes and decided that from now on the maintenance spanking were going to be more along that line, that neither one of us were finding that the current intensity to be sufficient. i asked Her to hit me harder. She bent me back over the bed and went and got her belt. Now, last time She used Her belt it hurt like hell but last night it didn't feel that bad at all, in fact She was spanking me harder with Her hand so She got the cane back out. She beat my ass until it was red and covered in welts and i was crying. Finally, the release that i had been longing for. Even though there were no tears my body heaved with my heavy sobs. It was so cathartic.
i don't understand why i need that physical punishment to forgive myself but i just don't feel like i have atoned for my sin(s) until i have. i think that sometimes i act out to get the punishments because i don't know how to ask for them. Madam told me last night that if i feel i need a spanking, that i can ask for one but to me that feels like i'm telling Her what to do. i realize that if She were to punish me when i act out for attention that She is only reinforcing the bad behavior so for that reason i need to learn to ask. But still....
Afterwards, Madam fucked my pussy with her cock until i came four times. She put Her hand around my throat, making it slightly hard to breath which i found incredibly arousing. The thought that my very life was in Her hand was soooo erotic! The struggle to breath, to swallow...i think i want to experiment more with breath play!! Safely though, i don't want to go the extreme where i would be in danger of passing out.
Switching gears....
Today is our anniversary! It was one year ago today that we went on our first date. One year ago my whole life changed and i have never been happier. i met my best friend. Though it has only been one year that we have been together, She knows me better than anyone else has. She knows my deepest secrets, my loftiest dreams and everything in between. She is my eternity mate, the woman i will spend the rest of this lifetime and each lifetime to come with and that still wouldn't be enough time with Her. We are having dinner at home (steak and crab legs if you care to know) and then going to the gay bar to dance. We haven't been dancing since Halloween, except if you count when i make Lee dance with me in the kitchen lol.
Well Madam is leaving work early so i had better go and get back at the housework so it's all done when She gets home.
i love You so much Lee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Happy anniversary!!!!!!!
Usually i lay over Her lap and She bare hand spanks me but last night She had me stand and bend over onto the bed. She warmed my ass up with Her hand then used the cane. After She finished we talked for a few minutes and decided that from now on the maintenance spanking were going to be more along that line, that neither one of us were finding that the current intensity to be sufficient. i asked Her to hit me harder. She bent me back over the bed and went and got her belt. Now, last time She used Her belt it hurt like hell but last night it didn't feel that bad at all, in fact She was spanking me harder with Her hand so She got the cane back out. She beat my ass until it was red and covered in welts and i was crying. Finally, the release that i had been longing for. Even though there were no tears my body heaved with my heavy sobs. It was so cathartic.
i don't understand why i need that physical punishment to forgive myself but i just don't feel like i have atoned for my sin(s) until i have. i think that sometimes i act out to get the punishments because i don't know how to ask for them. Madam told me last night that if i feel i need a spanking, that i can ask for one but to me that feels like i'm telling Her what to do. i realize that if She were to punish me when i act out for attention that She is only reinforcing the bad behavior so for that reason i need to learn to ask. But still....
Afterwards, Madam fucked my pussy with her cock until i came four times. She put Her hand around my throat, making it slightly hard to breath which i found incredibly arousing. The thought that my very life was in Her hand was soooo erotic! The struggle to breath, to swallow...i think i want to experiment more with breath play!! Safely though, i don't want to go the extreme where i would be in danger of passing out.
Switching gears....
Today is our anniversary! It was one year ago today that we went on our first date. One year ago my whole life changed and i have never been happier. i met my best friend. Though it has only been one year that we have been together, She knows me better than anyone else has. She knows my deepest secrets, my loftiest dreams and everything in between. She is my eternity mate, the woman i will spend the rest of this lifetime and each lifetime to come with and that still wouldn't be enough time with Her. We are having dinner at home (steak and crab legs if you care to know) and then going to the gay bar to dance. We haven't been dancing since Halloween, except if you count when i make Lee dance with me in the kitchen lol.
Well Madam is leaving work early so i had better go and get back at the housework so it's all done when She gets home.
i love You so much Lee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Happy anniversary!!!!!!!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Finding Our Way
Before i start the actual post for today i just want to say thank you to the person who posted a comment on my last entry. And to anyone else who is reading, i know i don't really ask for advice or suggestions but Madam and i are more than happy to receive any and all. Please follow and/or comment if you like a post or the blog in general.
These last few days have been better. i still don't feel quite as submissive as in the beginning but we're working on things.
i was out of the house on Wednesday and Thursday nights and that gave Lee some time alone, which is a good thing since she hasn't had any in months really. And it was nice to do my own thing. We decided that until i am working that i am going to try to give Her a night each week to Herself while i go to the local rec center, go for coffee with a friend, etc. Maybe this alone time will give her time to focus on all the things She wants to get done that She puts off when i'm around like Her writing, reading and blogging.
After reading my last post Madam and i tried to have a conversation about what i had written but it didn't go well and by the time we went to bed i was very close to calling the whole D/s aspect of our relationship off. That night i didn't remove my clothes the way i'm supposed to and Madam made me put them back on and do it properly, which i fought against but did end up doing. Rather than laying across her lap for my nightly maintenance spanking i just climbed into bed, making Madam demand that i get across her lap and when i refused she physically moved me into position. The worst thing i did though was after the spanking She always asks me who owns me and i told Her nobody and i wouldn't say my mantra when She took off my collar. i got a good beating with the cane for my actions that night but even during that i refused to submit and let her keep hitting me, i couldn't stop myself from being defiant and stubborn.
The next day i was still acting distant but by the time we went to bed i had started to turn around a bit. Madam apologised for punishing me in anger and explained why She thought it was necessary to do it at that moment rather than waiting (waiting would have only made me think that i was right about Her not being dominating and would have weakened our Dom/sub bond to a potentially dangerous level). i agree with Her reason and even though i feel like it isn't usually best to punish when you're angry, i think for Madam She need to or She will be too soft on me.
After i gave Madam Her nightly pleasure on Thursday night She decided She wanted to taste me, which is something that i need to be either extremely horny to enjoy or extremely submissive to feel comfortable having Her do. i was neither but i did want to show Lee that i was trying to make things better too. i think She knew that and was trying to see how far She could push me. She also ordered me to masturbate to orgasm 5 times before stopping. i was in a small panic, i can't orgasm more than once on my clit without a break and i have never been able to make myself cum from penetration. i told her that that was basically impossible. She revised the order to me being filled by Her cock for at least an hour to get myself worked up and minimum one orgasm but that i was to try for more. She told me not to panic, that we will work on me being able to have multiple clit orgasms but for now not to worry about it too much. i only managed one; it took me almost an hour.
i realize now that my acting out was most likely a call to Madam to be more dominating. I still have my reservations about submitting fully again cause i don't want to give up everything if She isn't ready to have it. It was a fairly major blow to me and i don't want to even think about what would happen if Lee dropped the ball again.
i felt very little yesterday and again today. Lee and i talked about what age we think i am when i'm little the other day and we've decided it's around 8 or so (just as an fyi). It's interesting, i've felt little for short periods of time, a couple hours max, but all day yesterday and so far all day today. Normally Lee and i sleep naked but She recognized how little i was feeling and suggested i sleep in a nightie and She sleep in her boxers and an undershirt which i was very grateful for. i also slept with Francine (my Cabbage Patch doll that i have had since i was like 3). After my spanking i had big girl feelings "down there" which Poppi was very good at helping me understand. i am so lucky to have such a caring and supportive Poppi.
i admitted to Madam on Thursday night that i think She is going to have to force me back into deeper submission. i asked Her to rape me. i want Her to beat me until i beg to be Her slave. i want to scream, cry, be humiliated, have my pussy used until it's raw and sore. i need to hurt during and after. i need to really know that She is in control, that She owns my life, my breath. i didn't tell her the last bits but She will know after reading this i guess. She said that She wants to. i don't know when exactly it will happen but i hope soon. And i hope it works.
i realize that this wasn't quite in chronological order but it's just how thoughts came out so i apologize for the scattered-ness of the post!
These last few days have been better. i still don't feel quite as submissive as in the beginning but we're working on things.
i was out of the house on Wednesday and Thursday nights and that gave Lee some time alone, which is a good thing since she hasn't had any in months really. And it was nice to do my own thing. We decided that until i am working that i am going to try to give Her a night each week to Herself while i go to the local rec center, go for coffee with a friend, etc. Maybe this alone time will give her time to focus on all the things She wants to get done that She puts off when i'm around like Her writing, reading and blogging.
After reading my last post Madam and i tried to have a conversation about what i had written but it didn't go well and by the time we went to bed i was very close to calling the whole D/s aspect of our relationship off. That night i didn't remove my clothes the way i'm supposed to and Madam made me put them back on and do it properly, which i fought against but did end up doing. Rather than laying across her lap for my nightly maintenance spanking i just climbed into bed, making Madam demand that i get across her lap and when i refused she physically moved me into position. The worst thing i did though was after the spanking She always asks me who owns me and i told Her nobody and i wouldn't say my mantra when She took off my collar. i got a good beating with the cane for my actions that night but even during that i refused to submit and let her keep hitting me, i couldn't stop myself from being defiant and stubborn.
The next day i was still acting distant but by the time we went to bed i had started to turn around a bit. Madam apologised for punishing me in anger and explained why She thought it was necessary to do it at that moment rather than waiting (waiting would have only made me think that i was right about Her not being dominating and would have weakened our Dom/sub bond to a potentially dangerous level). i agree with Her reason and even though i feel like it isn't usually best to punish when you're angry, i think for Madam She need to or She will be too soft on me.
After i gave Madam Her nightly pleasure on Thursday night She decided She wanted to taste me, which is something that i need to be either extremely horny to enjoy or extremely submissive to feel comfortable having Her do. i was neither but i did want to show Lee that i was trying to make things better too. i think She knew that and was trying to see how far She could push me. She also ordered me to masturbate to orgasm 5 times before stopping. i was in a small panic, i can't orgasm more than once on my clit without a break and i have never been able to make myself cum from penetration. i told her that that was basically impossible. She revised the order to me being filled by Her cock for at least an hour to get myself worked up and minimum one orgasm but that i was to try for more. She told me not to panic, that we will work on me being able to have multiple clit orgasms but for now not to worry about it too much. i only managed one; it took me almost an hour.
i realize now that my acting out was most likely a call to Madam to be more dominating. I still have my reservations about submitting fully again cause i don't want to give up everything if She isn't ready to have it. It was a fairly major blow to me and i don't want to even think about what would happen if Lee dropped the ball again.
i felt very little yesterday and again today. Lee and i talked about what age we think i am when i'm little the other day and we've decided it's around 8 or so (just as an fyi). It's interesting, i've felt little for short periods of time, a couple hours max, but all day yesterday and so far all day today. Normally Lee and i sleep naked but She recognized how little i was feeling and suggested i sleep in a nightie and She sleep in her boxers and an undershirt which i was very grateful for. i also slept with Francine (my Cabbage Patch doll that i have had since i was like 3). After my spanking i had big girl feelings "down there" which Poppi was very good at helping me understand. i am so lucky to have such a caring and supportive Poppi.
i admitted to Madam on Thursday night that i think She is going to have to force me back into deeper submission. i asked Her to rape me. i want Her to beat me until i beg to be Her slave. i want to scream, cry, be humiliated, have my pussy used until it's raw and sore. i need to hurt during and after. i need to really know that She is in control, that She owns my life, my breath. i didn't tell her the last bits but She will know after reading this i guess. She said that She wants to. i don't know when exactly it will happen but i hope soon. And i hope it works.
i realize that this wasn't quite in chronological order but it's just how thoughts came out so i apologize for the scattered-ness of the post!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Acceptence of Her decisions is going to be hard
This post was actually written before we had the blog set up (Dec 13/10). Sorry if it's kind of repeats stuff from Our Kinky Story.
I consider myself to be a good sub. i tried to do everything right, especially not top from the bottom even though i “knew more” than Lee and was trying to help Her navigate through all of the information out there. With Her working and me at home i have more time to learn and i am always hungry to learn. i have always said that if i won the lottery i would be a professional student. And besides that, it was me that first brought up the idea of BDSM to Her.
i’ll give you a bit of insight into elle so you know where i’m coming from. i have always been a control freak. my mom told me that when i was a little girl my parents called me their little drill sergeant cause i bossed my sister around so much. i have been told that i should be a lawyer/on a debate team cause i can argue a point till i’m blue in the face. In my past relationships, i have steamrolled my partners. Pretty much tried to control every aspect of our relationship and clearly that hasn’t worked as i’m not with any one of them (which i am very happy/grateful for as i love Lee more than anything in this universe). Lee, on the other hand, has been the pushover in Her past relationships. It wasn’t until after we started getting into the D/s dynamic more that i realized that it could help curb my controlling ways and prevent this relationship from heading down the same path as the previous ones.
We started out just playing in the bedroom as i’m sure many couples do, both of us saying that we just wanted to add some new fun to the usual (not that our sex life was going stale but it’s always fun to try new things!!). In the beginning i even dommed her a couple times. It became clear to me fairly quickly though that wasn’t “just in the bedroom” that i wanted, nor was i interested in domming her except to please her. i love hearing Lee call me Her girl (good girl, baby girl, you get the idea).
Slowly, i tried to act more demurely outside of the bedroom, little things like getting Her something to drink rather than She getting up to get the drink Herself. I have always been the main cook and with me not working it was only fair that I did it all but rather than calling Lee to dish up her own dinner i would dish it up and bring it to her. my acts of service became more overt and I made it clear that I wanted to serve her. She started to leave me a list of things She wanted me to do around our home while she was at work. One night she had me strip for and She enjoyed the way i removed my panties so now i am to do it that way each night for Her. One day i asked Her if She would like me to start to orally pleasure Her after She got home from work; She said She would so now i give her “nightly pleasure” on work nights automatically and She can demand it on non-work nights. She has mandated how i am to be dressed to greet her when She comes home from work; sexy, revealing clothing with no bra or panties if possible (some shirts look better with a bra on to hoist the girls into place, if ya know what i mean). Last week we added that i am wash and shampoo Her in the shower in the mornings. She has also added nightly maintenance spankings to our bedtime routine (thank you my Lady!!!) to help us each remember our places in our dynamic. We have defiantly move away from just playing in the bedroom.
In the last few days Lee has started to do more online reading. She has joined fetlife and decided to start the blog. i think that Her becoming more involved in learning will be a tremendous benefit to Her so that She can find out more concretely what She likes/hopes to get from our D/s dynamic. i think it has also overwhelmed Her.
She has said that she doesn’t want a 24/7 D/s relationship. i think that She doesn’t understand that just because we are 24/7 doesn’t mean that we cant still be open to expressing our love and affection toward each other. i don’t think she really understands the difference between a Domme and a Master or that we can create our own dynamic to suit us. i had asked her to come up with rules for our relationship so that i could find out what She is interested in pursuing, when to call Her by Her formal name and generally find out where She’s at.
i’m stalling… the reason that i am writing this post is because i was a bad girl. Yesterday afternoon we went to see a Christmas tree exhibit. On the bus on the way there, i mentioned to Lee that i wanted to play later once we got home. She told me that there was a good possibility for that to happen. It had been over a week since we have played and i was craving a beating. i was excited to say the least. Once we got back home from looking at the beautiful trees we both went on our computers for a while. Lee had offered to make dinner that night but I knew that she was involved in her reading and i didn’t want her be interrupted so i did the prep work for Her. i suggested to Lee that She read the rules set out on a slave’s blog that i have been reading as they are clearly ogranized and quite thorough. i didn’t mean for them to be applied to our dynamic as is (firstly, she is a slave and i don’t consider myself to be one and secondly, she is a mother so they have rules that just wouldn’t apply to us as we don’t have children-yet). So after dinner She read them. I think that Lee was struck by how strict their dynamic is and thought that (maybe, i‘m just guessing here) that was how i wanted ours to be. She started getting emotional saying that she didn’t want to loose the true us and have a cold, distant relationship. I think that we hadn’t been communicating very well on what each of us had been thinking our dynamic means for each of us individually and as a couple. i don’t want to sit in a corner waiting to be used for Her fancy. i don’t want to ask permission to kiss Her, touch Her, tell Her that i love Her. After we resolved the issue (i think it is one that is going to take more than one discussion to work out, part of the reason that i wanted Her to write up the rules in the first place was to open up that discussion) we went back to our computers. About an hour later i asked her if we were still going to play (it was getting late and if we were i figured we should get started). i knew there was a high probability that She was going to say no but i had wanted to so bad that i had to ask. i felt bad for asking, like i was ignoring what had happened. She said she didn’t feel like it anymore (i’m sure that if i was in Her shoes i would have felt the same way) but i couldn’t help but be disappointed. i had been looking forward to playing all afternoon, i wanted it so bad. i tried my best not to be a poutey, sulkey, brat. i got up and puttered around the apartment so Lee wouldn’t see my disappointment and feel guilty about saying no (She’s still learning how to say no don’t forget). i kept telling myself that it is Her choice, Her decision, this is what i want (Her making decisions for us). i just couldn’t shake it. Just after 10 (about an hour and a half later) she told me that it was time to get ready for bed, that She was wanted to read for a while in bed before sleeping. We got ready for bed (i got my spanking-thank you my Lady!!) but She could tell once we were settled that i was in a funk. She asked what was wrong and at first i told Her it was nothing but i decided i needed to be truthful and admitted how disappointed i had been with Her decision. She was obviously upset that She had disappointed me. We talked for a while, She reminded me that She makes decisions for a reasons and that i need to respect them (the decisions and reasons). i told her that i feel bad about disrespecting her authority and that i wish that i could control my thoughts better so that i would accept Her decisions without hesitation. She told me that i am to be patient with myself in my learning just as i am with Her in Her learning. We decided that writing about how i feel about being unable to control my thoughts would be my punishment for having “contrary thoughts”. i just want to be the best sub for Her and make her learning easier so she doesn’t have to worry about dealing with a brat.
To Lee,
i am so sorry that i made you feel guilty about your decision. i don’t want you to ever feel guilty about a decision you make again (unless it has serious negative consequences, but i don’t think You would do that, especially on purpose). Please accept this humble little girl’s deepest apologies. i swear to you that i will do everything i can to learn to accept your decisions without disappointment/resentment.
i also wanted to clarify what i want from our dynamic, how i see it running. Hopefully this will prevent another incident like last night. i think that the concept of a parent/child relationship is the best analogy i can think of to describe what i want. Your discipline, rules and domination are there because You love Your little girl and want to protect her, not micromanage her. A parent doesn’t tell their child when or how to use the toilet but may suggest before they go out for an extended time that they do before they leave home. A parent doesn’t tell their child what to wear on a day to day basis but on special occasions may. A parent doesn’t tell their child that they may not touch, kiss, hug, love their parent and also gives these things freely as well. A parent assigns chores/duties for their child to create structure and to teach skills not to avoid doing the tasks themselves. Punishment/disclipine given for breaking rules/not doing chores/not following commands is to reinforce structure and to show that disobedience is not tolerated at home so that this will be carried into the child’s broader life. i do not want to call You mommy, wear diapers, drink from bottles or anything infantile, please don’t get me wrong. i crave structure, order, expectations, lists and rules.
i expect that punishing me will be difficult for You. i don`t think that you are a “natural” sadist. It will not be something that either of us will enjoy or look forward to, but something that i think is necessary. As i mentioned last night, i think that for me a mix of physical punishment and a thought provoking task would be the best choice but i leave it up to you to ultimately decide what you think will help me learn the best.
i have been thinking a lot today, Lee, my Love, my Lady. As You will be able to tell as my other chores have been somewhat neglected so that i can fully reflect and describe how i feel. If you punish me for not doing my chores (which in a way I hope you will, not for my pleasure but to firmly establish that you won`t accept excuses), i will willingly accept it but i thought that it was important to spend my energy on writing this.
I consider myself to be a good sub. i tried to do everything right, especially not top from the bottom even though i “knew more” than Lee and was trying to help Her navigate through all of the information out there. With Her working and me at home i have more time to learn and i am always hungry to learn. i have always said that if i won the lottery i would be a professional student. And besides that, it was me that first brought up the idea of BDSM to Her.
i’ll give you a bit of insight into elle so you know where i’m coming from. i have always been a control freak. my mom told me that when i was a little girl my parents called me their little drill sergeant cause i bossed my sister around so much. i have been told that i should be a lawyer/on a debate team cause i can argue a point till i’m blue in the face. In my past relationships, i have steamrolled my partners. Pretty much tried to control every aspect of our relationship and clearly that hasn’t worked as i’m not with any one of them (which i am very happy/grateful for as i love Lee more than anything in this universe). Lee, on the other hand, has been the pushover in Her past relationships. It wasn’t until after we started getting into the D/s dynamic more that i realized that it could help curb my controlling ways and prevent this relationship from heading down the same path as the previous ones.
We started out just playing in the bedroom as i’m sure many couples do, both of us saying that we just wanted to add some new fun to the usual (not that our sex life was going stale but it’s always fun to try new things!!). In the beginning i even dommed her a couple times. It became clear to me fairly quickly though that wasn’t “just in the bedroom” that i wanted, nor was i interested in domming her except to please her. i love hearing Lee call me Her girl (good girl, baby girl, you get the idea).
Slowly, i tried to act more demurely outside of the bedroom, little things like getting Her something to drink rather than She getting up to get the drink Herself. I have always been the main cook and with me not working it was only fair that I did it all but rather than calling Lee to dish up her own dinner i would dish it up and bring it to her. my acts of service became more overt and I made it clear that I wanted to serve her. She started to leave me a list of things She wanted me to do around our home while she was at work. One night she had me strip for and She enjoyed the way i removed my panties so now i am to do it that way each night for Her. One day i asked Her if She would like me to start to orally pleasure Her after She got home from work; She said She would so now i give her “nightly pleasure” on work nights automatically and She can demand it on non-work nights. She has mandated how i am to be dressed to greet her when She comes home from work; sexy, revealing clothing with no bra or panties if possible (some shirts look better with a bra on to hoist the girls into place, if ya know what i mean). Last week we added that i am wash and shampoo Her in the shower in the mornings. She has also added nightly maintenance spankings to our bedtime routine (thank you my Lady!!!) to help us each remember our places in our dynamic. We have defiantly move away from just playing in the bedroom.
In the last few days Lee has started to do more online reading. She has joined fetlife and decided to start the blog. i think that Her becoming more involved in learning will be a tremendous benefit to Her so that She can find out more concretely what She likes/hopes to get from our D/s dynamic. i think it has also overwhelmed Her.
She has said that she doesn’t want a 24/7 D/s relationship. i think that She doesn’t understand that just because we are 24/7 doesn’t mean that we cant still be open to expressing our love and affection toward each other. i don’t think she really understands the difference between a Domme and a Master or that we can create our own dynamic to suit us. i had asked her to come up with rules for our relationship so that i could find out what She is interested in pursuing, when to call Her by Her formal name and generally find out where She’s at.
i’m stalling… the reason that i am writing this post is because i was a bad girl. Yesterday afternoon we went to see a Christmas tree exhibit. On the bus on the way there, i mentioned to Lee that i wanted to play later once we got home. She told me that there was a good possibility for that to happen. It had been over a week since we have played and i was craving a beating. i was excited to say the least. Once we got back home from looking at the beautiful trees we both went on our computers for a while. Lee had offered to make dinner that night but I knew that she was involved in her reading and i didn’t want her be interrupted so i did the prep work for Her. i suggested to Lee that She read the rules set out on a slave’s blog that i have been reading as they are clearly ogranized and quite thorough. i didn’t mean for them to be applied to our dynamic as is (firstly, she is a slave and i don’t consider myself to be one and secondly, she is a mother so they have rules that just wouldn’t apply to us as we don’t have children-yet). So after dinner She read them. I think that Lee was struck by how strict their dynamic is and thought that (maybe, i‘m just guessing here) that was how i wanted ours to be. She started getting emotional saying that she didn’t want to loose the true us and have a cold, distant relationship. I think that we hadn’t been communicating very well on what each of us had been thinking our dynamic means for each of us individually and as a couple. i don’t want to sit in a corner waiting to be used for Her fancy. i don’t want to ask permission to kiss Her, touch Her, tell Her that i love Her. After we resolved the issue (i think it is one that is going to take more than one discussion to work out, part of the reason that i wanted Her to write up the rules in the first place was to open up that discussion) we went back to our computers. About an hour later i asked her if we were still going to play (it was getting late and if we were i figured we should get started). i knew there was a high probability that She was going to say no but i had wanted to so bad that i had to ask. i felt bad for asking, like i was ignoring what had happened. She said she didn’t feel like it anymore (i’m sure that if i was in Her shoes i would have felt the same way) but i couldn’t help but be disappointed. i had been looking forward to playing all afternoon, i wanted it so bad. i tried my best not to be a poutey, sulkey, brat. i got up and puttered around the apartment so Lee wouldn’t see my disappointment and feel guilty about saying no (She’s still learning how to say no don’t forget). i kept telling myself that it is Her choice, Her decision, this is what i want (Her making decisions for us). i just couldn’t shake it. Just after 10 (about an hour and a half later) she told me that it was time to get ready for bed, that She was wanted to read for a while in bed before sleeping. We got ready for bed (i got my spanking-thank you my Lady!!) but She could tell once we were settled that i was in a funk. She asked what was wrong and at first i told Her it was nothing but i decided i needed to be truthful and admitted how disappointed i had been with Her decision. She was obviously upset that She had disappointed me. We talked for a while, She reminded me that She makes decisions for a reasons and that i need to respect them (the decisions and reasons). i told her that i feel bad about disrespecting her authority and that i wish that i could control my thoughts better so that i would accept Her decisions without hesitation. She told me that i am to be patient with myself in my learning just as i am with Her in Her learning. We decided that writing about how i feel about being unable to control my thoughts would be my punishment for having “contrary thoughts”. i just want to be the best sub for Her and make her learning easier so she doesn’t have to worry about dealing with a brat.
To Lee,
i am so sorry that i made you feel guilty about your decision. i don’t want you to ever feel guilty about a decision you make again (unless it has serious negative consequences, but i don’t think You would do that, especially on purpose). Please accept this humble little girl’s deepest apologies. i swear to you that i will do everything i can to learn to accept your decisions without disappointment/resentment.
i also wanted to clarify what i want from our dynamic, how i see it running. Hopefully this will prevent another incident like last night. i think that the concept of a parent/child relationship is the best analogy i can think of to describe what i want. Your discipline, rules and domination are there because You love Your little girl and want to protect her, not micromanage her. A parent doesn’t tell their child when or how to use the toilet but may suggest before they go out for an extended time that they do before they leave home. A parent doesn’t tell their child what to wear on a day to day basis but on special occasions may. A parent doesn’t tell their child that they may not touch, kiss, hug, love their parent and also gives these things freely as well. A parent assigns chores/duties for their child to create structure and to teach skills not to avoid doing the tasks themselves. Punishment/disclipine given for breaking rules/not doing chores/not following commands is to reinforce structure and to show that disobedience is not tolerated at home so that this will be carried into the child’s broader life. i do not want to call You mommy, wear diapers, drink from bottles or anything infantile, please don’t get me wrong. i crave structure, order, expectations, lists and rules.
i expect that punishing me will be difficult for You. i don`t think that you are a “natural” sadist. It will not be something that either of us will enjoy or look forward to, but something that i think is necessary. As i mentioned last night, i think that for me a mix of physical punishment and a thought provoking task would be the best choice but i leave it up to you to ultimately decide what you think will help me learn the best.
i have been thinking a lot today, Lee, my Love, my Lady. As You will be able to tell as my other chores have been somewhat neglected so that i can fully reflect and describe how i feel. If you punish me for not doing my chores (which in a way I hope you will, not for my pleasure but to firmly establish that you won`t accept excuses), i will willingly accept it but i thought that it was important to spend my energy on writing this.
Friday, December 17, 2010
50 Lines for Tone of Voice
01. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
02. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
03. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
04. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
05. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
06. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
07. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
08. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
09. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
10. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
11. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
12. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
13. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
14. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
15. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
16. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
17. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
18. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
19. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
20. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
21. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
22. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
23. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
24. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
25. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
26. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
27. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
28. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
29. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
30. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
31. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
32. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
33. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
34. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
35. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
36. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
37. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
38. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
39. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
40. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
41. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
42. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
43. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
44. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
45. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
46. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
47. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
48. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
49. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
50. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
02. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
03. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
04. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
05. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
06. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
07. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
08. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
09. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
10. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
11. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
12. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
13. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
14. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
15. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
16. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
17. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
18. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
19. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
20. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
21. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
22. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
23. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
24. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
25. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
26. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
27. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
28. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
29. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
30. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
31. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
32. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
33. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
34. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
35. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
36. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
37. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
38. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
39. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
40. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
41. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
42. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
43. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
44. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
45. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
46. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
47. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
48. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
49. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
50. i will not use a demanding tone when trying to help Madam Lee
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