I'm writing as I think so things are a bit jumbled up and
erratic. I'm just writing what comes to mind as it comes to mind. Sorry if it’s
a bit confusing or hard to follow.
Life has been so busy lately. Our day-to-day M/s is still
going well. I’d love to be playing more but any time we have time to play it
seems to be that one or both of us are tired or not feeling well. Or, I have the
desire to be beaten at a bad time, like when Master’s not home or we’re out or
we have other things going on that can’t be postponed. I wish I had the ability
to extend the day or pause time or some such shit, that would be lovely.
Lee and I recently hosted our second presentation at our MAsT
group. Hosting discussions has been really good for us, both the discussions themselves
and the conversations that we have before and after. Our first presentation was
on how life changes can influence your power dynamic and the most recent was on
discreet D/s, how to maintain your power exchange while in (vanilla) public
situations.
Thought #1:
When I'm in full slave mode I don’t feel very sexual or
romantic. This is something that I have just come to understand. Majority of
the time I still enjoy providing sexual service (deep throating, being a
fuckhole, providing oral sex, etc.) but things like kissing and caressing feel
almost confusing. Like kissing someone you work for (I imagine, I never
actually done it). When I'm in full slave mode Lee is my Master, my Owner, my
Boss. The wife and lover part seems to fade into the background. I don’t feel
like I'm adequately explaining how I feel but I can't seem to find the right
words to describe it so on to the next thought….
Thought #2:
I really need to learn how to tell Master when there is
something that I need and stop trying to ignore my needs (I’m talking mainly
play/sex needs right now). I have such a hard time getting over the topping
from the bottom thing that I just don’t say anything and try to either ignore
my needs or try to hint at them to Lee. Neither of which work well at all.
Usually I end up getting frustrated and upset and lash out somehow. There are a
few reasons that I don’t say anything. The first one is I keep telling myself
that I don’t know what Master has planned, just wait, be patient, maybe what I want
is still to come. Along with that is the fact that I’m not in charge so I “don’t
get to decide what happens” (no topping from the bottom!), which Lee and I have
gone over many times and I know She doesn’t see it that way but in my head, I can’t
get over it. Along the same-ish line is that I want to do things that Master
wants to do. That doesn’t really make sense. What I mean is that I want to do
the things that She has been thinking about doing just as much as I want to do
the things that I have been hoping for since a lot of my fantasies are based on
being used. Which lead to the next thought…
Thought #3
I don’t know if Master gets the urge to beat me or use me or
fantasises about it. If She does, I don’t think it’s very often. And not like
the urges I get to be beaten and used I'm sure. Some days I wonder if the
thoughts in my head are that of a sane person though. I mean why would anybody
dream of getting beaten and used until they puke and/or pass out?!? I'm sure
that Master doesn’t ever think about beating me to that point, not even close.
But I don’t know for sure because She doesn’t really tell me what She wants
either. Very rarely does She ever say that She wants to do or have me do
something (other than that She wants to gag me on Her cock, She tells me that
fairly regularly!). I don’t think I could confidently say what most of Lee’s
kinks even are specifically. Is that bad?!? We’ve been doing this for over 4
years now and I still don’t really know what my Master’s kinks are or what She
wants to explore! Sure our relationship is Master/slave and has a huge power
exchange dynamic, but I don’t consider that to be a kink, more of a lifestyle
choice really. M/s is how we live our lives. Some people would say that, for
them, M/s is a kink but I think that the majority of those people probably don’t
live it 24/7 and they only “do” M/s during playtime. Yes, M/s is involved in
our play, but it’s involved in every other aspect of our lives as well. Our
kinks are what we play with. The beatings (both with Her body and implements),
breath play, bondage, psychological play/mindfucks, and being used sexually. Those
are my main kinks.
Thought #4:
My thoughts on each of my kinks
Being beaten:
Lying on the floor with Master’s boots landing hard on my
body grounds me
Being punched on the arms and shoulders so hard/much they can't
move they are so sore
Being hit on the face
Rhythmic beat of flogger, hand, mother fucker or other
implement is like a drum, sets the beat for the rest of the “music”
Hard and heavy mixed with a bit of light and stingy i.e. alternating
between being kicked and caned on the ass and thighs
Breath play:
The fear and panic of not being able to breathe
Loss of control over an extremely vital bodily function
The burn in my lungs as the oxygen beings to run out
Bondage:
Being unable to resist an attack or struggle/fight
back-defenseless
Burn in the muscles and joints from being held tightly for a
long period of time
Psychological play:
Keeps my mind engaged, bombards another sense (hearing)
Reinforces the physical domination
Being broken down to be rebuild back up in Master’s vision
Sexual use:
Being used for entertainment- made to perform activities for
Master to watch (masturbation, hurting myself, etc.)
Humiliation from being exposed or forced to cum
Being owned (penetrated) and loss of rights over what
happens to and in my body
Have Lee somehow kind of state the plan for the scene i.e. “I'm
going to beat you until my arms can't move, then I’ll use that pretty mouth of
yours to clean me up after I make myself cum.
Look at scheduling play and negotiate in advance
