This post isn’t going to be about kink so much. It’s going to be more about me and my state of mind as of late.
As i have mentioned before, i have a history of mental health issues. i was first diagnosed with depression almost half a life time ago and have been very suicidal at times during the last 14 years. i have taken more than half a dozen different medications over the years and have seen a few different psychiatrists and therapists.
The past two and a half years are probably the best i have been since i was 15 years old. That is, until recently. In the last month or so i have felt myself starting to slide back into that dark place. Lee and i have talked a bit about it but to be honest i hold back the true depth of my feelings most of the time cause i’m scared that She will worry about me. She knows enough that She suggested that i talk to my doctor about going back on meds for a while, which i really don’t want to do for a few reasons.
Antidepressants do two things to me that i hate. Neither of which will help with the depression. The first being that they kill one’s sex drive. If that were to happen i don’t want to even think about how long Lee and i may go without having sex then since Her drive is naturally lower than mine and i’m the one who (nine times out of ten) initiates sex. The second reason is that they make me gain weight. i’m already heavier than i want to be so i think if i gained any more weight i’d just be even more upset and disgusted with how my body looks (bye-bye to any self esteem that i have left!). Those may sound like superficial reasons but as i said i think that both of those side effects would only make me feel worse about myself
The problem is that my depression is affecting our dynamic. When i have a “bad day” i don’t want to do anything. i don’t want to cook, do chores or dress in the manner that i’m supposed to. Lee has tried to push me but it only made things even worse and now She‘s gun shy about trying to push me anymore.
So i don’t know what to do about the situation. i want to be the best slave that i can be for Lee, She deserves nothing less but it’s impossible when i can’t even get up off the couch or out of bed.
Another thing is that as much as Lee and i go to local munches and such i still don’t feel like i/we have made any solid connections so i don’t feel like i have anyone that i can talk to about this. i wish i had a friend or the like that would understand.
As i have mentioned before, i have a history of mental health issues. i was first diagnosed with depression almost half a life time ago and have been very suicidal at times during the last 14 years. i have taken more than half a dozen different medications over the years and have seen a few different psychiatrists and therapists.
The past two and a half years are probably the best i have been since i was 15 years old. That is, until recently. In the last month or so i have felt myself starting to slide back into that dark place. Lee and i have talked a bit about it but to be honest i hold back the true depth of my feelings most of the time cause i’m scared that She will worry about me. She knows enough that She suggested that i talk to my doctor about going back on meds for a while, which i really don’t want to do for a few reasons.
Antidepressants do two things to me that i hate. Neither of which will help with the depression. The first being that they kill one’s sex drive. If that were to happen i don’t want to even think about how long Lee and i may go without having sex then since Her drive is naturally lower than mine and i’m the one who (nine times out of ten) initiates sex. The second reason is that they make me gain weight. i’m already heavier than i want to be so i think if i gained any more weight i’d just be even more upset and disgusted with how my body looks (bye-bye to any self esteem that i have left!). Those may sound like superficial reasons but as i said i think that both of those side effects would only make me feel worse about myself
The problem is that my depression is affecting our dynamic. When i have a “bad day” i don’t want to do anything. i don’t want to cook, do chores or dress in the manner that i’m supposed to. Lee has tried to push me but it only made things even worse and now She‘s gun shy about trying to push me anymore.
So i don’t know what to do about the situation. i want to be the best slave that i can be for Lee, She deserves nothing less but it’s impossible when i can’t even get up off the couch or out of bed.
Another thing is that as much as Lee and i go to local munches and such i still don’t feel like i/we have made any solid connections so i don’t feel like i have anyone that i can talk to about this. i wish i had a friend or the like that would understand.
Reading this I feel like an ass that I didn't catch it a few days ago when you published it.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand that you'd be afraid to medicate for fear of those side effects. I also see how important not hurting your connection with your Madame is in the priorities there too. It's a troubling situation and I wouldn't know what I would do in the same slave shoes, or any for that matter.
I think as a friend and wellwisher the only thing I could possibly suggest is to talk to a doctor about alternatives, and keep on talking to your Madame about it. Probably your safest bet.
I hope that the connections you forge strengthen over time. Both of you are great people and deserve to have true friendships.