Journalling

Part of the reason that I haven't written since last time is that I am also keeping a paper journal. To be honest, I am not a computer kind of girl and I find it almost cold to type out my feelings on a keyboard than to pick up my favourite pen and a book and write. But upon learning last night that there are at least a few people who read my/our ramblings I thought that I'd transcribe some of what I have been writing in my journal to here.

When I started my journal, which I bought and initiated on my own, I made a list of things that I felt were the issues that are most in need of contemplation. I have left the bottom of the page blank to add topics if something comes up but so far I have: 1. Self-forgiveness and Letting Go- which I have a very hard time with; 2. Correction vs Punishment- what/why, when and how's of it; 3. Focus/Priority for Our Relationship-reflected through our rules' focus maybe, our current goals, maybe a mission statement kind of idea; 4. Importance of Growth- why being required to learn is important to me; 5. Contacts- why should we have one, what do we want in it? I've written a little bit about a few of these topics but not in any detail once I get more cohesive thoughts about something I plan to put it up here too; and 6. "Free Speech" Time- is it necessary?

Earlier in the week Lee brought home a book about insomnia from the library. She has suffered with this problem for a long time. Lately She has been working with our doctor to get it figured out and  it's been quite a challenge but She is on medication now that is working much better. So for now things are not as bad as they have been.

Why do I care about a self-help book? Well, I guess the simplest way to put it is that I saw it as a threat to the work that we are putting into building our Power Exchange. Lee and I have no limits or restrictions on me speaking my mind (which maybe we should have but I'll get to that another time) so when I saw the book, I told Her how I felt. Well, actually I stewed in it for a few hours then I told Her. After I had explained why I felt that our PE was in greater need of Her attention She agreed with me. She even thanked me for telling Her, for looking after Her. I felt so guilty afterwards for second guessing Her decision (that She felt that She could split Her focus on both our PE and Her insomnia- obviously or She wouldn't have gotten the book out from the library now, would She?) and for what I felt was downplaying Her sleep problems. She didn't feel either of those things were true but I couldn't shake the guilt. Before bed that night I begged Her for a punishment spanking. She did but told me the reason that I was getting it was not for why I wanted it but because I wasn't respecting Her telling me that it was over and that I had no reason to feel guilty. It was painful, to say the least. The worst part though? I still feel guilty when I think about it.

Our PE is becoming more and more of an integrated part of our lives and relationship again. I am finding my service side re-igniting. For example, the other night Lee said She like the sound of a recipe for peanut butter choco. chip brownies I showed Her so I asked Her if She wanted me to make it right then while we waited for dinner to finish cooking. The words came out of my mouth before I even realized what I was saying. It was weird, it was almost like I was hearing someone speaking in my voice. She said yes so I made them and the entire time I was baking I was in a wonderful headspace, even when I dropped part of the cooling yumminess on the floor!

Last night after the MAsT meeting we came home and had a kind of wrap up discussion ourselves. Since it was late we didn't get too much into detail but we did talk a bit about the contract that we are I think we are) working towards writing (if I'm wrong Sir then please correct me). I'm sure it will be a long time in the making and then forever evolving. We have both been doing a lot of "research" on D/S, PE and the like as individuals. We both agreed that we need to spend a bit more time doing this together and talk more about what we are researching.

Well, I have to work this afternoon so I'm going to end this here for today. I haven't re-read this for grammar  and such so I apologize if anything is wonky.