Thoughts and Realizations

I'm writing as I think so things are a bit jumbled up and erratic. I'm just writing what comes to mind as it comes to mind. Sorry if it’s a bit confusing or hard to follow.

Life has been so busy lately. Our day-to-day M/s is still going well. I’d love to be playing more but any time we have time to play it seems to be that one or both of us are tired or not feeling well. Or, I have the desire to be beaten at a bad time, like when Master’s not home or we’re out or we have other things going on that can’t be postponed. I wish I had the ability to extend the day or pause time or some such shit, that would be lovely.

Lee and I recently hosted our second presentation at our MAsT group. Hosting discussions has been really good for us, both the discussions themselves and the conversations that we have before and after. Our first presentation was on how life changes can influence your power dynamic and the most recent was on discreet D/s, how to maintain your power exchange while in (vanilla) public situations.  

Thought #1:

When I'm in full slave mode I don’t feel very sexual or romantic. This is something that I have just come to understand. Majority of the time I still enjoy providing sexual service (deep throating, being a fuckhole, providing oral sex, etc.) but things like kissing and caressing feel almost confusing. Like kissing someone you work for (I imagine, I never actually done it). When I'm in full slave mode Lee is my Master, my Owner, my Boss. The wife and lover part seems to fade into the background. I don’t feel like I'm adequately explaining how I feel but I can't seem to find the right words to describe it so on to the next thought….

Thought #2:

I really need to learn how to tell Master when there is something that I need and stop trying to ignore my needs (I’m talking mainly play/sex needs right now). I have such a hard time getting over the topping from the bottom thing that I just don’t say anything and try to either ignore my needs or try to hint at them to Lee. Neither of which work well at all. Usually I end up getting frustrated and upset and lash out somehow. There are a few reasons that I don’t say anything. The first one is I keep telling myself that I don’t know what Master has planned, just wait, be patient, maybe what I want is still to come. Along with that is the fact that I’m not in charge so I “don’t get to decide what happens” (no topping from the bottom!), which Lee and I have gone over many times and I know She doesn’t see it that way but in my head, I can’t get over it. Along the same-ish line is that I want to do things that Master wants to do. That doesn’t really make sense. What I mean is that I want to do the things that She has been thinking about doing just as much as I want to do the things that I have been hoping for since a lot of my fantasies are based on being used. Which lead to the next thought…

Thought #3

I don’t know if Master gets the urge to beat me or use me or fantasises about it. If She does, I don’t think it’s very often. And not like the urges I get to be beaten and used I'm sure. Some days I wonder if the thoughts in my head are that of a sane person though. I mean why would anybody dream of getting beaten and used until they puke and/or pass out?!? I'm sure that Master doesn’t ever think about beating me to that point, not even close. But I don’t know for sure because She doesn’t really tell me what She wants either. Very rarely does She ever say that She wants to do or have me do something (other than that She wants to gag me on Her cock, She tells me that fairly regularly!). I don’t think I could confidently say what most of Lee’s kinks even are specifically. Is that bad?!? We’ve been doing this for over 4 years now and I still don’t really know what my Master’s kinks are or what She wants to explore! Sure our relationship is Master/slave and has a huge power exchange dynamic, but I don’t consider that to be a kink, more of a lifestyle choice really. M/s is how we live our lives. Some people would say that, for them, M/s is a kink but I think that the majority of those people probably don’t live it 24/7 and they only “do” M/s during playtime. Yes, M/s is involved in our play, but it’s involved in every other aspect of our lives as well. Our kinks are what we play with. The beatings (both with Her body and implements), breath play, bondage, psychological play/mindfucks, and being used sexually. Those are my main kinks.

Thought #4:

My thoughts on each of my kinks

Being beaten:

Lying on the floor with Master’s boots landing hard on my body grounds me

Being punched on the arms and shoulders so hard/much they can't move they are so sore

Being hit on the face

Rhythmic beat of flogger, hand, mother fucker or other implement is like a drum, sets the beat for the rest of the “music”

Hard and heavy mixed with a bit of light and stingy i.e. alternating between being kicked and caned on the ass and thighs

Breath play:

The fear and panic of not being able to breathe

Loss of control over an extremely vital bodily function

The burn in my lungs as the oxygen beings to run out

Bondage:

Being unable to resist an attack or struggle/fight back-defenseless

Burn in the muscles and joints from being held tightly for a long period of time

Psychological play:

Keeps my mind engaged, bombards another sense (hearing)

Reinforces the physical domination

Being broken down to be rebuild back up in Master’s vision

Sexual use:

Being used for entertainment- made to perform activities for Master to watch (masturbation, hurting myself, etc.)

Humiliation from being exposed or forced to cum

Being owned (penetrated) and loss of rights over what happens to and in my body

Have Lee somehow kind of state the plan for the scene i.e. “I'm going to beat you until my arms can't move, then I’ll use that pretty mouth of yours to clean me up after I make myself cum.

Look at scheduling play and negotiate in advance