A few quick thoughts on my mental health

I haven’t been doing well lately. my mental health has taken a drastic nose dive. Back in the spring when Master and i decided that we were going to stop trying to have a baby i was doing well. The shit scared-ness of the idea of becoming a parent and the very real threat of postpartum depression was removed, i was relieved. After a short while my mental health fluctuated as i was feeling so many conflicting feelings, guilt primarily. We ended up changing our minds and decided to try once more after a few months of discussion. Enter Fall From Grace and my life affirming experience. i even managed to make it through the news that our sperm had to be returned to the sperm bank and the decision that Lee and i made to call it quits on the baby-making front. But that life affirmed feeling FFG gave me quickly fell off and i began to circle the drain. It began to affect my job and i have gained a significant amount of weight over the summer and fall but primarily since FFG which was August long weekend. Lee and i have hardly played and when we do i can’t take nearly as much pain if it’s not cathartic.

i have taken a temporary reduction in my hours at work and my MD has started me on an another medication on top of the one i’m currently on. i have also started seeing a psychologist with whom i will be doing an intensive group therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy which is basically CBT (cognitive based therapy not cock and balls torture!) with a mindfulness component. It starts next month but the problem is that they hold the group class in a room that is used for a lot of prenatal classes and such so i’m slightly concerned that it will be triggering for me to be in there.

Master and i have been looking at tightening up some of our rules a bit more to help with structure in my life too. i mentioned to Her the other day that i’d like it if we could work on position training again. i think having the positions to work on would help ground/reconnect me on when She’s not home by incorporating it into my day.

Struggling with depression takes all of the drive out of you. You have no desire to do anything; you don’t care what happens around you. Struggling with borderline personality disorder means my emotions are unstable, i’m impulsive and my reactions can be wildly out of proportion.

Lee bears the brunt of my outbursts. She knows that when it happens there is very little that can be done and nothing She will say or do will ever be right but She stays with me and loves me and owns me in spite of all that. She is an amazing and strong woman. Sometimes i wonder if She’s not the crazy one for staying aboard the crazy ride that is elle.