Three nights ago i had my last orgasm until the February
long weekend (the 13-15th) when Master and i will be attempting a cutting
scene again. She will still be using me as Her sex toy during that time but i
won’t be allowed to cum. We have set up a punishment structure for if i do go
too far and not stop Lee in time. This kind of falls in line with the cuckqueaning idea
that we have been fantasizing about. But since Lee doesn’t have a replacement
for me and She still has “needs that need fulfilling”, She has continued to
fuck me.
i’ve never fully talked about why i want to be cucked and to
be honest i’m still not entirely sure why i want it. i think part of it for me is
that i love to share what i love. If i am eating something delicious, i want to
share it with my table mates. If i know some delightful tidbit of info i want to
share it with Lee. i think cucking is kinda the same idea. i love being fucked
by Lee and want to share that wonderful experience with another woman (or
women, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here!!!) . i also love the
humiliation and degrading aspects of being made to watch another woman get to
have sex and possibly be beaten by my wife. i want to have a relationship with
her too, someone that i could be close to and maybe have a bit of sexy fun
together on occasion (to amuse Master, of course!). i also am torn with a
love/hate feeling of fully giving up control of something so personal, control
of my sexuality. One day down the line i’d love it if Master put me a chastity
belt, or i had a piercing done similar to pictures i’ve seen. Don’t get me
wrong, right now Master has complete control but having a device of some sort
is a very real physical reminder that is hard to ignore so you are constantly
reminded that your sex is owned by another person. Hot but scary all at the
same time.
Lee and i have role-played me being someone else, Her
cuckcake. There is a part of me that enjoys the thought of being the cuckcake
too. i have had fantasy snippets of getting to be the one having sex with Lee
and having another person be cucked. Co-topping in a scene (not “outside the
bedroom”) with me being in a more supportive role rather than a full-fledged
“Top” is what i picture, which is in line with what i just mentioned. i did
enjoy parts of topping when Lee and i first started out and i topped Her but
now i don’t have any desire to do those kinds of things to Her for real,
despite the jokes that i might make to Master once in a while. Sometimes i do
get turned on by the idea of being the top in a scene with someone other than
Lee though and Lee and i have briefly talked in the past about me playing with
someone else but nothing has ever been pursued.
On the topic of the cutting, those that know me or have read
enough of this blog know i have a history of self-harm, primarily cutting. Lee
and i want to work through this limit as it has limited our play. i really want
to be able to allow my Master to do anything that She wants and right now i
can’t do that. We are planning a whole weekend of events for this and chose
this specific day being that we both have the time off that we can have two
days after just in case i have a reaction like last time. We’ve talked about
renting a nice hotel room for the night and having a staycation day on the
Sunday but we haven’t planned anything quite yet. i’ll fill in the details next
time i write.
Well, that’s all that’s swirling around in my head right
now. Except that we just passed the sixth anniversary of our first date! That’s
crazy, it feels both far too short of a time and at the same time too long ago!
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