So this happened...

Change comes in many forms and the latest change in our life comes in a sexy package.

We have met someone, who we are going to call Kahwaii for now, and are starting to explore the possibilities. It's been just a short time, but I feel like I am on an emotional roller-coaster. elle and I have been just the two of us for our entire relationship. she has some experience in this, but not a lot, and I have none. Over the years we have talked a lot about exploring having a third in our lives in some form, but with the baby trying it just never seemed the time would be right. Now that baby trying has finished, we are working on moving beyond the pain that causes, and going forward in our lives.

There's no time like the present to see where this experience can take us. I'll be honest though, I'm scared...fucking terrified when I move aside the other thoughts in my head. I think crazy, illogical things and put all sorts of irrational what ifs to myself. What if I'm not what she pictures? What if she likes elle more? What if elle likes her more? What if I can't 'perform' (whatever the hell that thought means!) and I fuck it up? What if, what if, what if? I have no logical reason to worry about those things. That's just the lovely place my head takes me out of insecurity.

I'm worried I will turn out to be jealous and can't overcome the sabotage my head might try. I'm not just worried about me though or about elle and I. Kahwaii also has a primary partner that we don't want to harm in anyway. There is, of course, nothing secret in what we are doing. Her partner is well aware and supportive and has a voice in where boundaries may lie. There is a lot of unknowns though and with that comes potential for danger.

This could change so much for us and it's certainly not just bad changes that are scaring me. As much as this could have a bad side, it already feels to have a really good side. If anyone had asked me six years ago before meeting elle if I would be doing 75% of the things we do in our lives, I would have laughed in their face and asked if they were serious. Seriously, you think I could raise a finger let alone a fist or boot to someone I love! Seriously, you think I, introvert, nervous public speaker, hate to be center of attention, would lead a group in which I facilitate discussions sometimes! Seriously, you think I could possibly be madly in love with someone and want to bring a third person into our lives in a non-platonic way! Seriously, have you met me?!

Funny how with the right catalyst so much can change in a person. Perhaps not even change, but be brought to light. I am however still the introvert, nervous public speaker, hate to be center of attention person; I just manage to not stumble over my tongue quite as much as I used to. elle entering my life though has opened up my world beyond anything I would have thought possible.

With this change and my nervousness with it all, I have barely been able to eat and my sleep is certainly no better than usual. I force down enough food to give my body at least a bit to work with, but I just don't want to eat and everything makes me want to throw up. It's really awesome how stupid by body is being! I'm starving. I'm excited. I'm lightheaded. I'm excited. I'm exhausted. I'm excited. I'm stressed out. I'm excited. I'm emotional. I'm excited. I'm happy. Oh and did I mention, I'm a little excited. My brain really needs to shut off and shut up for a while.

Well that's my ramble for now, I'm sure I will have more irrational and possibly rational thoughts to talk about soon.