Hello Again! Maybe Baby?!?

I had a choice. Once upon a time I had a choice. Now I don’t, I don’t have any say at all in fact. And that’s the way She and I both want it.

Here’s some background info that will help clear things up. Lee and I have been in the process of jumping through all of the hoops of trying to have a baby! It all started officially last spring with a visit to our doctor for a referral to a fertility clinic since we can’t do things the old fashioned way. Since then we (well, mostly me since I will be carrying out baby) have had to have a variety of tests and I had minor surgery but we have finally have gotten to the point where we are ready to order our donor sperm and start actively trying.

Now, back to the topic at hand, my lack of choice. In the beginning of the baby process it was assumed that we would choose a donor together. After the first time we looked we decided that I wasn’t going to be involved in the initial selection. To me it didn’t matter. The way I explain it to friends and family is like this: when you are choosing a mating partner you don’t choose someone that has the qualities that you want your future children to have. So it really doesn’t matter, to me, what colour hair the person has, what they do for a living or anything else. But it does to Lee. She had read a book of short stories, one of which talked about the “other mother” choosing the donor. So we decided we would do that too, Lee would narrow it down to a few choices and we would pick one from those together. This was the plan for many months until recently when I asked Her to take away that choice.

More background info. Lee and I have been really focusing on getting our D/s running more smoothly lately. Since moving we have had a lot of good intentions and a few good attempts but for one reason or another we always “fell off the bandwagon". Lately we have been going well. Also, we have come to the realization that we feel more closely relating to the Daddy/girl labels than Domme/sub one. I almost exclusively call Lee Daddy in private and at kink-friendly events so I am going to use that here instead of Madam, which we have all but abandoned (we have talked about trying out Sir for more formal and /or play situations).

In our relationship, Lee owns me entirely. She is not required to, but often does, consult me about what is done with Her property, anything from my body or our home. I trust Her to make safe, sound choices for us and i have chosen to follow Her. So because of our renewed effort in our D/s I have had a substantial increase in my feelings of submission (obviously!).

And back to the main event again. I imagine that is what spurred my decision to give over the donor choice entirely to Daddy about two weeks ago. I had thought about it for days and the more I thought about it, the more I thought it showed my commitment to our dynamic and relationship.

Telling Lee that I didn’t want to be involved in choosing the donor has been a source of a huge emotional conflict for me though. When I told Her that I felt very submissive giving up this choice She told me that, for Her, it had nothing to do with ownership. For Lee, having exclusive choice of the donor was more about contributing what She could to the making of our baby. Hearing Her say that took away the feeling of being owned immediately. It was so devastating to hear Her say that. For the past few days I had been walking around in a bubble of submission and service to Lee and that bubble popped. One cannot be owned without someone owning them, right? Daddy wasn’t claiming ownership over my body and reproductive rights so that means I still have control over it? I can still say no to whomever She chooses? I struggled with feeling like I had just been abandoned.  During that time I felt very unsure of how I was going to be able to fully submit to someone who I felt like didn’t want total control of my body. We played and during that scene Lee landed a pretty hard boot kick in a not nice hurt kind of way. The next day I had a huge black/purple bruise, and I don’t bruise easily. Daddy was so excited that She had finally marked me but at the same time sad that she wouldn’t be able to reproduce it since it was a bad hurt. I didn’t think much of it and we went about our day. I can’t remember exactly how long after (the next evening maybe?) She was admiring it again. I, out of nowhere, blurted out that I would let Her do it again any time to see that look on Her face. At that exact moment I had that same owned feeling wash over me again. I am coming to the realization that I am the kind of submissive that really requires the “active” Dominant type. I have known that I need it but I am realizing that I really function best as a submissive/slave when Daddy’s presence is felt strongly in my soul. Again after the pain realization I was in my submissive bubble as I am now coming to understand it as.

On a semi-related topic, we have been to two meetings of the local MAsT group. Which is nice because we have both been feeling isolated and I think we might be able to make some good friends through this group.

Yes I know I ignored the fact that it's been months since either one of us have posted anything. I hope to get back into writing here on our little blog, though I’m sure there is nobody actually reading this, it helps to write out my thoughts and organize them into something semi-coherent.