What is making it "easier" to be Lee's slave lately? To be honest, I don't really have an easy answer to that question. It definitely makes it easier when Lee is being more dominant.
I think having other people that are in PE relationships around us has been a huge influence on why it's been easier for me to submit. Here's the deal. Up until recently Lee and I haven't had anyone who we have been close to that are also in a power exchange based relationship. We have met some amazing people thanks our local MAsT group. And because of MAsT and the people we have met through it, we have been so much more immersed in M/s. We have more frequent external.... reminders.... encouragement...reinforcement? i can't think of the right words to describe what I am thinking.
You know how you tidy up the house a bit extra when you're having special company or when you're at a fancy restaurant you use better table manners? It's the same kind of thing. When we are with other M/s people, and to a lesser extent kinksters, I have found that we naturally use a slightly higher protocol. Plus, it's not like we can carry out some of our rules/protocols in front of just anybody. Getting down on my knees in front of Lee when it's just the two of us doesn't feel quite as exposing as when there are other people around. I don't know, am I alone on this or do other people feel like this too? Maybe it's because it's a rather new phenomenon for us?
So I think I covered the why part, so, I guess it's on to how does it make me feel. Well, I have talked about my struggle with mental health problems before but I don't think I have much recently. In the months leading up to now I have been getting more and more depressed (fairly seriously at times). I have been scared, no terrified, of the though of having a baby. I have been worried that if there are any complications with getting or staying pregnant that it will have serious negative consequences on me, which would obviously mean problems between Lee and I. Lee had even made an appointment with the doctor for me to talk about adjusting my meds. But I have been feeling so much better that She agreed to let me pause that talk. I feel more at peace right now than I have for a while. I feel like being Lee's slave has righted something in my head. Serving Her brings my mind and body a feeling of peace that I have never had before.
Last night we had to go shopping after work. When we got home we were both tired. Luckily dinner was easy to make so Lee said She would do it. She told me to do the dishes. I wined that I was too tired and just wanted to go sit down. There weren't that many and they could wait till today was my thinking. Lee allowed me to get off with getting the coffee maker set for the morning for Her. While I did that She got dinner started. When She came back in from the bbq and I had started the dishes. She asked me why. I said that I had told myself that if there were few enough dishes to not worry about then it wouldn't take much to wash them and that since She had told me to do something, I should do it. I read on the Submissive Guide a bit ago something about obedience and how delayed obedience is still disobedience and partial obedience is complete disobedience. I have been thinking of that quite a bit lately and trying to work towards the goal of being more obedient cause I think there are times when I do fall into the delayed or partial obedience. I think that I'm doing better. Yes last night I delayed carrying out Lee's order, but I did end up doing it. It is a ongoing struggle, to be a better me, a better slave for my Sir. I am a work in progress.
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