When we started out
in this kinky world, we were bedroom players. We had some fun switching roles
and even went so far as to have...or attempt to have, a few interrogation
scenes. It was one of those scenes that went so hilariously wrong followed by a
sexual scene that resulted in a frantically snapped leg binding that lead us to
the defined roles of Dom and sub in the bedroom. It wasn't long after, day-to-day life started
being infiltrated by our "kink" and soon we were living the
lifestyle.
We moved into living
this 24/7 with rules, protocols, the whole shebang. We have ridden a
rollercoaster of highs and lows in our dynamic and throughout, play has always
been one of the greatest aspects and most compatibility clashing aspects for
us. Like sex for me, I don’t have a high drive that reminds me, or pushes me,
or make me yearn for play on a regular basic.
I want play in our
life whereas elle needs it. I want the physical connection I feel to her when
my boot makes contact with her ass, my fist pummels her arm. I want the sounds
of the slap as my hand strikes her and the heat in my fingers when I do it again
harder. I want the gasp of her breath when the pain I am delivering winds her
and the glazed look in her eyes when I gently punch her cheek. I want the high
I feel when I have warmed her up enough to take it harder and she begs for more
as she is cringing in pain. I want the emotional connection we feel
strengthened afterwards.
I get totally high
and giddy from kicking, punching, making my slave hurt and squirm. Hearing her
gasp in pain or shock is thrilling. During play I am usually very happy to be
doing what I am doing. When a scene is going well, my confidence is through the
roof and I feed off elle's responses. Knowing that what I am doing to her is
feeding her need for this connection and pain circles back into me and keeps me
dishing out more.
When the scene ends,
I am still thrumming when it is time for aftercare. Making sure my girl is
bundled up, has some juice, a little bit of chocolate, reassuring words when
needed and lots of love is my aftercare too. I need the closeness once we are
done to ensure she is okay and I didn't go too far, didn't push too much. When
I know it went well for us, I am excited and I admit, relieved. I stress myself
out a lot when it comes to play, which definitely doesn’t help anything and I
think is part of the reason this hasn't become a need for me.
As much as I love
play when we are in it, it is sort of a catch 22 for me. In order for me to
really get into play and leave behind the stress that is connected to it, I
need to be receiving from my slave the responses that build me up and for her
to be giving me those responses, I need to be built up so I can really lay into
her in a way that she needs.
I'm not great when
it comes to running a scene without any planning or discussion between us and
elle feels like she is telling me what to do if she says too much about what
she is needing and/or wanting. This has led to failed scenes that cause high
emotion and frustration and low confidence in moving forward for the next time.
I get to the point where I am more focussed on 'this has to go right this
time!' pressure, pressure, pressure rather than 'this is going to be great, I'm
going to beat her ass.' I don’t like that I can't just get excited and look
forward to play because I am too worried about what if it doesn’t go well this
time. We have come up with a new way to communicate to help with all this and
the one time that we have done it so far worked really well, so I am hopeful.
However, I stick
with saying this is a want and not a need for me. I get a lot from it during
and take a lot away from it after, when it has gone well. If not for the
stress, perhaps I would see all the positive from it as a need but for now it
remains a want. Though in our relationship it is a need, because it is a need
for elle and we know what it is like to go without. For her it is as much a
necessity as air.
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