Changes are coming in spades at the moment it seems. Earlier this week a rather monumental decision was made. As you all know, we have been trying for the past two years to have a baby. There has been a lot of hope attached to the process and a lot of stress, frustration and fear. Stress of will this be the month to try? If we try will it work? Frustration with the clinic wasting so much of our time as we wait for appointments that they are an hour late for and again the planets not aligning to allow us to try. And fear of what happens if it works. What will change? What will we lose? How much will we struggle financially? How will mental health be affected?
PXS was an amazing experience for us. (Don't worry I'm not actually changing the topic.) We had never been on a real holiday together and having nearly a week where the full focus was pretty much on our Power Exchange was quite an eye opener. The workshops were great, the people wonderful, the realization that we have come so far in the last year and half a high note and then the drop came with the realization it could be many, many years before we are able to go to such a thing again if in the next year we have a baby.
If we have a baby the spontaneous evening of play, pain, fuck, dinner, play, pain, fuck, cake would not be able to happen like that again. We can't ignore our child for hours on end as I make my slave scream in delicious pain and not expect Child and Family Servies to come knocking. Hell it was enough to realize right before the end of a great, kind of loud scene and about ten seconds away from elle orgasming that a police car was sitting in front of our house, lights flashing. Luckily they hadn't come to take me away for beating my slave, but it was still a mood killer. Change that to a baby screaming while elle is screaming and CFS pounding on the door. Play would be out and since a lot of our sex is pretty rough that would be limited too.
Our dynamic has become the foundation for our marriage and we both fear how the addition of a child would affect and change that. Neither of us want the strain on our relationship that would come with very limited ability to continue the rules and protocols that we have while little eyes and ears were around, very limited play, inability to attend conferences out of town, and even just a strain to continue our commitment and dedication to MAsT: Winnipeg.
Not only is the affect to our dynamic of concern because of the fun times but it really helps balance elle's mental health. I'm not just saying we don't want to sacrifice some playtime or change how elle serves me coffee, but it is the structure and release that our dynamic gives to elle that really helps her. After coming back from PXS we both had drop, elle's was quite difficult and took some time to fully come out of. It seemed to be so hard for her in part because she was scared that with daily life and responsibilities back in the picture we would lose some of what we had gained while away. Even just the thought sent her spinning.
We have learned pretty well over the years what makes her mental health worse and what helps. Lack of sleep is not good. One day is manageable but if they start stacking up we both know where that road leads, so we do our best to not let that happen. She has a doctor's note at work so they can't mandate her and really fuck up her sleep; she has a bedtime that we are fairly good at sticking with; I don't have her get up with me in the morning when I think sleep would be more important. It helps. A good sleep for her is probably one of the most effective ways to keep her in a good place. How then would a baby that doesn't sleep through the night for what could be years affect her night after night.
I know sometimes that elle just needs me to back off and give her space; I know that when she is in that place there are sometimes hurtful words and actions that she is not in control of; I know that at that time she needs to see that I'm not going to abandon her; and, I know when she comes back down she needs me more than ever to tell her how much I love her and her home is always with me. Yep, I know all of this. A baby, knows none. A toddler, knows none. A teenager, well that's when we would send them off to boarding school or sell them for medical experiments because they think they know everything.
elle needs peace, structure and to give up control to stay balanced. I need peace, structure and to have control to keep our life balanced. Having a baby would be like adding a ten pound weight to a scale that has feathers on the other side.
If you haven't figured it out yet, we have decided to stop trying to have a baby. Since this decision was made we have both said how much lighter we feel.
Don't get me wrong, before and throughout the process we have both very much wanted a child. I'm sure there will always be a bit of that want left in us. We were trying because we had the best of intentions and had it happened a year ago when we were just starting to really get our M/s feet under us then we would have been thrilled. Now that our M/s is so strong we feel we can't have both. We had to choose and M/s with all of the things that that encompasses for us, is the choice we've made. If we felt we could have both we would. I know this is the right decision for us though.
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