There are a few things that are swirling around in my head
this morning. I haven’t written any sort of follow up to my last post about
struggling with the word slave, and neither Master nor I have written about our
wonderful experience at the Power eXchange Summit or the new path that we have
started to explore.
So to start, the slavery struggle.
I still have a hard time once in a while but I have, for the
most part, gotten past thinking that I need to find a new title. Part of it was
another book on WWII, The Man Who Broke Into Auschwitz by David Avey. The author was a British POW in a camp just
outside of Auschwitz who traded places with a Danish Jew twice to get a
first-hand account of what was really going on inside the death camp as well as
helping another Jewish man. In it he said something along the lines that the
Nazis treated the prisoners as less than slaves because a slave is at least valued
by their owner. I think that, for the most part, that is true. The Nazis didn’t
want those people to survive and did almost everything possible to ensure that
they died. Master most definitely values me and want me to live so I can
continue serving Her. I am well cared for and want for very little. Hell,
yesterday She gave me a foot massage and cooked me dinner.
Another thing that has continued my thoughts on this
subject, though not in making me feel more at ease with the title of slave is
Episode 73 of the KinkyCast, and some of the writings on the Fetlife profile of
the person that they interviewed. There is some very interesting and thought
provoking stuff but since I didn’t ask permission to repeat anything that was
said/written I will leave it at that and highly suggest that you go listen and
read for yourself.
I still don’t know if slave is quite the right word to use.
I don’t fit the “true” definition; none of us in the lifestyle do because none
of us can truly be owned by another person. We are not forced to obey, we can
legally leave at any time and there is not a thing our Owners can legally do to
stop us. We choose to obey. We in the BDSM community, and general society at
large, to some extent, tend to adapt words to suit our own needs. And words evolve,
I get that. But I can’t just pick any word and use it however I so choose. Like
I said to Lee the other day I can’t call a road a river and expect others to
have a clue what I’m talking about without clarifying and/or explaining what I
mean every time I do. We label everything in our world so we can all be on the
same page, imagine a world where we all made up our own names for things, it
would be chaos! But within the BDSM community I don’t know if there is a better
widely known title for what my position is than slave. So slave it is, for
now?!?
I’m just starting to repeat what I said in my last post so I
will stop here on this topic except to say that there are a few other titles
that I have been tossing around (indentured servant and vassal are two) but
Master said that She wants me as Her slave so the struggle continues. More to come on this topic in the future I’m
sure.
On to the Power eXchange Summit (PXS) recap.
I know I can speak for both myself and Master when I say we
had a great time. We met some wonderful people, participated in many inspiring
workshops and roundtables and overall came away with a better, stronger power
exchange. We even won a prize for travelling so far to attend (we were the only
ones who came from Canada, or anywhere other than the USA , for that matter I'm
pretty sure). We arrived in Columbus the day before the Summit started so we
had a bit of time to go exploring, which was nice. Once PXS actually started it
was a very busy weekend. I started off Saturday by going to a workshop on
chronic pain and kink while Lee went to one on needs wants and desires. Then we
went to the cuckqueaning one. After lunch it was the Executive PE workshop then
one on empowerment. We ended the workshop day by going to a roundtable on
sexual orientation and gender in PE which was interesting. Saturday evening was
the roaring ‘20s casino night where we had our photo taken (which, I realized
just the other day was the first professional photo taken of us in the five and
a half years of being together!) and played a game and hung out with some of
the people that we had met. We also won a very yummy smelling bison leather
flogger in the silent auction.
Sunday we went to a workshop on polyamory and PE and ended
the Summit with a workshop a workshop that had been wrongly titled on the
website and in the run book as honor, service and devotion but was actually
about the architypes/models of M/s relationships by Raven Kaldera and Joshua
Tenpenny. After the closing ceremonies we had a pizza lunch and headed back to
our hotel room. We had planned to go out a bit but we were both spent and
decided to just lay low for the evening and spend time decompressing and
packing for our early flight the next morning. The two workshops that stood out
for me the most were Executive Power Exchange by Kevin and katie and
Cuckqueaning by Doug and slave lori. The Executive Power Exchange one gave us
some new information to use but more so gave us words that help us describe our
style of PE. The cuckqueaning workshop on the other hand has helped us start
down a new path in our relationship, more on that in a bit.
Overall, I would say that going to PS was one of best things
(if not the best thing) we have done for our relationship. The event drop,
which didn’t really start until we got home on the Tuesday evening and lasted
through the weekend, was so worth it. I would go again in a heartbeat. I have
actually already looked at the calendar for next year trying to figure out
which weekend it will be!
Lee and I have agreed that we need to make going to these
kinds of events more of a priority and therefore plan our vacation time around
them as much as possible and be more prepared financially for them. For a brief
moment we were looking at going to the M/s con in DC in September but we just
cannot afford to go without putting a strain on ourselves.
Next up is our new kink, cuckqueaning.
I guess in the strictest fashion of the word we aren’t quite
looking at cuckqueaning since Lee is a woman and cuckqueaning is typically with
a dominant man and a submissive woman but I don’t know if there is a term for
cucking with only female participants.
Since we haven’t yet started to look for a third woman to
join we are more in the fantasizing stages of exploring this kink. Master has
been mostly denying me sexual release/orgasm. She has been using me to get
Herself off, which She had done many times before PXS but before She would
usually allow me to masturbate afterwards, now I can’t. She has taken away
permission to ask for sex and orgasm. I can still tell Her that I'm horny
though. She has also been edging me, getting me very close to cumming then
backing off so that I will learn that sexual stimulation doesn’t always lead to
me orgasming. There have been a few sexual encounters where She has humiliated
me by telling me how much better it will be once we/She finds another woman to
fuck while I am made to just watch and possibly use my mouth to clean them
after they are finished fucking. I get so turned on just thinking about all of
this. Why do I get so horny thinking about my wife fucking other women? Why do
I get so turned on by the idea of being used and not allowed to orgasm? Master
has told me that She isn’t going to stop allowing me to orgasm entirely but in
the three weeks since we have started this, there have only been two or three
times we have had sex that I’ve been given permission to cum. Before this, it
wouldn’t have been uncommon for me to orgasm (and usually multiple) about four
times a week, including the times I would masturbate for Master. I just texted
Master to tell Her that I’m so horny. She told me to go fill my ass with the
plug so I will be even more wet and horny for when She gets home so I can put
on a show for Her. Now I am aching I am so horny, which in turn makes me feel
very submissive, which is why we are doing this. Being sexually aroused makes
me want to serve Her so much more. I love it! I want to feel like this all the
time. I hope that we start our search for a cuckcake soon.
I was going to write about coming out kinky, a topic that
has been on my mind a lot lately as that is what we are going to talk about at
MAsT this weekend but I’ve run out of time so I will leave it for another day.
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