Before we started dating her, she saw our relationship from the outside and what she saw was a great connection, lots of love and happiness (all true). We tried to keep our issues to ourselves as they don't need public airing. Unfortunately, this gave her the impression that the problems she was suddenly seeing were new and only started due to her presence rather than understanding that we let her see us in the raw and the raw isn't always pretty. Our 'perfect marriage' wasn't quite so perfect, however, our foundation is strong. We've let a lot pile up on it though, allowing our problems to weigh us down and feel unstable. We forgot how well we work as a team. We forgot to communicate when issues were just starting.
We have spent the past three weeks basically talking from the time I get home from work until it's time to sleep. We are talking about everything - good, bad and ugly. We are taking an honest look at ourselves, each other and our relationship. Some of it is hard to say, some hard to admit. Who wants to admit that they have made some fundamental mistakes. Which I have made.
I have been trying to keep elle in a good place throughout our relationship because I've wanted to avoid conflict and protect her. I've wanted to ease her internal struggles and her fear of abandonment. I've wanted to keep our life at peace whenever possible. I've done it in the wrong way. I've done it at the sacrifice of myself at times. I've done it and harmed her in the process. This created an environment that harmed Kahwaii as well.
Having BPD leads elle to have swinging emotions and to see the world in black and white. Rage can come on quickly and out of the blue. Instead of facing this head on most of the time, my actions or inactions gave her BPD an environment in which to grow. In essence, by avoiding conflict I only created more. I thought I was protecting elle when in reality I was harming her/us by not giving her the chance to learn to control and cope with the symptoms of BPD. I have claimed to be Master but I have not mastered my urge to 'save' her at all costs.
Kahwaii thinks she is responsible for our conflict; in part she is, but not in the negative way she thinks. Until she entered the picture and I started seeing the effect everything was having on her, I was mostly blind to the effect everything was having on elle and I. Suddenly someone else that I love and also want to protect at all costs, was being harmed by the way I have tried to protect elle. That was a really big mind fuck. It caused elle and I to fight more because I started to panic. I started to see where our life was headed; I started to admit to myself how I have been feeling; I wanted to change everything NOW.
It took a number of months of this, far too many, to get to the point where I was about to implode. I love them both, I want them both, they both add so much to my life, but I felt I was losing both of them and wasn't keeping my head above water anymore. So, just over three weeks back, the three of us got together for a discussion and I said that I wanted to take a short break from actively seeing Kahwaii so elle and I could take some time to focus on our issues, dig into them and get an idea of what we could do to fix things. Believe me, in no way did I actually want this break. Three weeks without seeing or talking to Kahwaii was not going to be easy.
elle and I started talking and talking and talking. We are never going to be perfect and we will continue to fight (hopefully a lot less) but much has been said and agreed upon, changes discussed and it seems we are taking more steps forward than steps back. Things around here feel more positive. After two weeks without Kahwaii we saw her at the bar, spent some time together, and I made a decision that hurt elle and put us back a step. It took a few days but we recovered, talked more and were exited for the third week to end so we could get back to seeing Kahwaii.
Sadly, Kahwaii came to the conclusion that she was doing us harm and could not stay with us only to break us apart. Her feelings are valid because that is truly how she feels, but she is mistaken in thinking she is the cause of our problems. In truth, she has helped our marriage tremendously, she has done amazing things for my confidence and self worth, and she has filled needs for elle that I was doing poorly with.
I have a connection with Kahwaii that I can't explain. elle says that we have intense energy between us and when we are together the rest of the world disappears; I would have to agree to some extent. The scary part of that is when elle has seen this, is when Kahwaii and I have pulled back from each other to try to minimize this effect. I don't want to lose that with her.
I want her to understand she was NEVER the problem and see that when you shake elle and I to the core, our foundation is standing strong. I want her to see that she has opened our eyes and pushed us to face our problems head on because of how they have started affecting those around us. I want her to recognize all the wonderful things she brought to both elle and I and focus on that rather than the negative. I want her to know that we have not stopped missing her, thinking about her or wanting her back. elle and I have work to do and always will, but things are changing. I intend to keep it that way.
Will I have a chance to feel that energy with Kahwaii again? I certainly hope so. I don't feel like our story is over yet. I love both of them with all my heart.
"Maybe it won't work out. But maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever."
We have spent the past three weeks basically talking from the time I get home from work until it's time to sleep. We are talking about everything - good, bad and ugly. We are taking an honest look at ourselves, each other and our relationship. Some of it is hard to say, some hard to admit. Who wants to admit that they have made some fundamental mistakes. Which I have made.
I have been trying to keep elle in a good place throughout our relationship because I've wanted to avoid conflict and protect her. I've wanted to ease her internal struggles and her fear of abandonment. I've wanted to keep our life at peace whenever possible. I've done it in the wrong way. I've done it at the sacrifice of myself at times. I've done it and harmed her in the process. This created an environment that harmed Kahwaii as well.
Having BPD leads elle to have swinging emotions and to see the world in black and white. Rage can come on quickly and out of the blue. Instead of facing this head on most of the time, my actions or inactions gave her BPD an environment in which to grow. In essence, by avoiding conflict I only created more. I thought I was protecting elle when in reality I was harming her/us by not giving her the chance to learn to control and cope with the symptoms of BPD. I have claimed to be Master but I have not mastered my urge to 'save' her at all costs.
Kahwaii thinks she is responsible for our conflict; in part she is, but not in the negative way she thinks. Until she entered the picture and I started seeing the effect everything was having on her, I was mostly blind to the effect everything was having on elle and I. Suddenly someone else that I love and also want to protect at all costs, was being harmed by the way I have tried to protect elle. That was a really big mind fuck. It caused elle and I to fight more because I started to panic. I started to see where our life was headed; I started to admit to myself how I have been feeling; I wanted to change everything NOW.
It took a number of months of this, far too many, to get to the point where I was about to implode. I love them both, I want them both, they both add so much to my life, but I felt I was losing both of them and wasn't keeping my head above water anymore. So, just over three weeks back, the three of us got together for a discussion and I said that I wanted to take a short break from actively seeing Kahwaii so elle and I could take some time to focus on our issues, dig into them and get an idea of what we could do to fix things. Believe me, in no way did I actually want this break. Three weeks without seeing or talking to Kahwaii was not going to be easy.
elle and I started talking and talking and talking. We are never going to be perfect and we will continue to fight (hopefully a lot less) but much has been said and agreed upon, changes discussed and it seems we are taking more steps forward than steps back. Things around here feel more positive. After two weeks without Kahwaii we saw her at the bar, spent some time together, and I made a decision that hurt elle and put us back a step. It took a few days but we recovered, talked more and were exited for the third week to end so we could get back to seeing Kahwaii.
Sadly, Kahwaii came to the conclusion that she was doing us harm and could not stay with us only to break us apart. Her feelings are valid because that is truly how she feels, but she is mistaken in thinking she is the cause of our problems. In truth, she has helped our marriage tremendously, she has done amazing things for my confidence and self worth, and she has filled needs for elle that I was doing poorly with.
I have a connection with Kahwaii that I can't explain. elle says that we have intense energy between us and when we are together the rest of the world disappears; I would have to agree to some extent. The scary part of that is when elle has seen this, is when Kahwaii and I have pulled back from each other to try to minimize this effect. I don't want to lose that with her.
I want her to understand she was NEVER the problem and see that when you shake elle and I to the core, our foundation is standing strong. I want her to see that she has opened our eyes and pushed us to face our problems head on because of how they have started affecting those around us. I want her to recognize all the wonderful things she brought to both elle and I and focus on that rather than the negative. I want her to know that we have not stopped missing her, thinking about her or wanting her back. elle and I have work to do and always will, but things are changing. I intend to keep it that way.
Will I have a chance to feel that energy with Kahwaii again? I certainly hope so. I don't feel like our story is over yet. I love both of them with all my heart.
"Maybe it won't work out. But maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever."
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